Chapter 44 - I am the tree of life, deep roots, changing and adapting with every season.

Chapter 44 - I am the tree of life, deep roots, changing and adapting with every season. 

The Tree of Life: Why Every Ending Is Really the Beginning of Something New

What happens when life asks you to let go of something you desperately want to hold onto?

In this deeply personal episode of Burn It Down and Begin Again, Erica reflects on one of life's greatest truths: every season brings change. Whether it's children growing up, relationships evolving, careers shifting, or chapters quietly coming to an end, learning to embrace change is one of the greatest acts of personal growth.

After facing the possibility of her daughter moving out, Erica shares the emotional journey that followed—and how it reminded her of the powerful symbolism behind the Tree of Life, a symbol she carries both in her heart and as a tattoo honoring the four children who helped save her life during her darkest battle with addiction and depression.

Drawing from ancient traditions, spirituality, and her own remarkable story of rebuilding, Erica explores how our deepest roots are formed through hardship, why letting go is a necessary part of growth, and how every season of life prepares us for the next.

If you're struggling with an empty nest, a changing relationship, a career transition, grief, or simply wondering what's next, this episode is a reminder that the leaves falling from your tree are not a sign that life is ending—they're making room for something new to grow.

Because strength isn't found in holding on forever.

It's found in trusting your roots, embracing the season you're in, and believing that every ending carries the promise of another beginning. 

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Transcript

Erica 0:00

There's a reason that trees have always been one of my favorite ways to think about a human life. It's the seasons. A tree comes back to life every spring. By summer it's in full bloom, green and thriving. Then fall comes and it starts letting go. And then winter it just stands there looking bare, almost dead, if you didn't know any better, quietly doing the work of surviving until it's time to come back again. That's the whole cycle of human life. That's every version of starting over any of us have ever had to do, and it's the reason that this show exists. And that is exactly the lens I want to look through this week. This week I found out that I might be losing something that means a lot to me. I want to talk about my reaction, how it played out in my head, and how I feel now. Today we're going to talk about seasons. My season currently, the season of life, your season, and about the leaves that we lose so we can grow new ones. And we're going to talk about a symbol that's become a really important part of who I am. Welcome to Burn It Down and Begin Again, because sometimes the only way out is through the fire. I'm Erica, and this is my story told one chapter at a time. Not to relive the pain, but to reclaim the power that was buried beneath it. I share it boldly because I know I'm not the only one. Too many of us carry stories like mine of trauma, silence, survival, and shame alone. But healing isn't just about surviving what hurt us. It's about becoming the people we were meant to be, how we can transform pain into purpose, rebuild life on our own terms, and show what is possible when we rise to the strongest version of ourselves. If you hear yourself in my words, know this. You're not crazy, you're not broken, and you're definitely not alone. This podcast is part of Czechology. Real women, real stories, and real transformation. We're here to break cycles, rise higher, and create lives that radiate power, purpose, and passion. So if you've walked through hell and you're ready to grow, evolve, and rebuild, then stay with me. There's hope here, there's healing here, and there's an army of us rising with you. Now, let's begin. So hello everyone, it's Erica and welcome to this week's edition of Burn It Down and Begin Again. If you're new here, what this show actually is is about renewal. It is about coming back from the things in life that you were not sure you were going to be able to survive, the things you thought were going to take you out, and finding a better version of your life on the other side of that. So, real rebuilding, real hope, told as honestly as I know how. And if you're one of my regulars, welcome back. Thank you genuinely for showing up every single week. I don't take that for granted and I appreciate you. Again, the show exists because I really believe that renewal and uh rebirth is possible, even when you think your whole life is telling you otherwise. It doesn't matter how old you are, it doesn't matter what road you've walked down, what addiction you've faced, what things you have faced in your life. If you believe it can be so, it can be so. And the whole thing is you got to get in that mindset of believing. And that's really hard to do when you are on the down and out. Uh I have been there. I literally I can't even imagine it now, but there was a time in my life when even though I had four beautiful children and everything to live for, I just didn't think I could find my way out. I was that far down in the grips of depression and addiction. And I really thought that there was nothing left in life for me. And of course, today I am so grateful that I made it through that time in my life. And I promise you, if I can come out of the darkest place I think a person can come out of, if you want to hear more, listen to my earlier episodes. But I've come into a life that I truly love. And at 56 years old, guys, I feel like I'm starting over. I feel like I'm starting out. I do not feel old and tired and irrelevant. I feel stronger and better than ever. So do me a favor, if today's episode lands for you, leave a comment and a star rating. That is not me fishing for numbers, by the way. That is literally how the algorithm decides who gets to find the show next. And the more of you that just take a couple minutes and do that, it's gonna help another woman, another person out there right now who needs to find a friend on the other end of this microphone, who needs to hear a voice, uh, maybe just needs to hear some of the stuff I have to say. And that's how she's gonna find it. So help me out with that. I always have a challenge of the week. And this week, a couple of things. I wanted to talk about what this episode, of course, is actually about. Before I get to that challenge of the week and give you a little background on that, I want to talk about basically my life right now, which is I am trying and I am achieving, but I am balancing. And I have gotten to this place where I am now running a fully successful business along with my partner that has taken off and grown so quickly in ways that I couldn't have manifested alone. And I truly believe this was a growth manifestation concept. When I was sick, she came up with this idea and it was inspired, and it gave me something not only to really kind of live for or dream about and plan, which is really important, right? We all need that motivational nudge sometimes if we just are feeling down. And I was feeling pretty down when I was sick. I am good at processing and and going inside and keeping a good attitude, but I noticed a lot of stuff when I was sick. Like, for example, when I'm busy, I don't notice that my kids are gone a lot, but they are. I was alone most of the time, me and my dog. And then also I realized how quickly my life got super small. Now, my my life is relatively small by choice, but it's very, very full. And I felt like I kind of got the wind knocked out of me in that time because work and I mean, there was nothing left. I was literally sitting on my ass watching TV or sleeping for like weeks and my like over what two months? I mean, I think I was out of work for 49 days. It was crazy. But it taught me a lesson, and I really believe that everything in life is there, if we can look at that way, to teach us a lesson. So I did walk out of that. Like, what can it teach me? And one of the things I'm trying to do, as we've talked about, is build a financial life for myself. Now, this podcast does not make me any money. It never will. It's a labor of love. Sometimes it's, I'm like, oh my God, I've got to do a podcast this week. But then I always come back to the fact that I'm grateful because I got so much going on, it's just hard to juggle. But this business, at any rate, is taking off. And I've been talking a long time about manifesting a life for myself where I could retire well. My ex-husband, he has a great job, a lot of money saved up. And even though I got alimony, and I, you know, I certainly I will not pretend that I walked out of that marriage destitute. I did not, um, that money's gone. It went into the house, and now my alimony is coming to a close, and I have to live completely on my own. And I can do that, but I'm gonna need to, if I'm gonna continue to save and plan for a future in a short period of time, because pretty much I don't have any retirement except for what I saved, I have to make that happen for myself. So this business has literally been the answer to that, that manifestation project that my best friend and I uh came, where she came up with the idea, and I'm I ran with it. And now we have very clearly defined paths and goals and and roles in this business. She's handling the Amazon side, and I'm handling the social media promotional side, and both are important to one another, but they also serve very different functions. It's something that there's a lot of stuff that we're doing that's not been done before, and I'm very excited about it. And as it unfolds, I'll tell you more about it. But so far we are extremely successful in what we've been doing, and I'm grateful for that. Not a lot of money flow that we can count on personally yet, but we were able to hire a personal assistant that is gonna be starting. We're interviewing now, or I should say Elise is interviewing now, but uh we are gonna be putting into play in the next month or so, and that's gonna help us a lot. We've also expanded our international Amazon channels to a total of 12 international channels, and we're gonna be actively on YouTube and uploading our videos there. I mean, we're just tackling every area that can be tackled. So I have been overwhelmed with the amount of work that it takes to do these things that we need to do. And that has been my biggest challenge this week is just how do I find time to be normal and to live and to organize my schedule in such a way that I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. That's my challenge of the week for me personally. But then the other challenge of the week is going to go into uh what this episode is about. So, in a nutshell, essentially, I've got two of my adult kids living with me and they help me with my mortgage. Not a lot, but they definitely help me. I charge each of them like 400 bucks uh a month, and that includes food, utilities, their room, uh anything that they need, all the social media stuff. It basically it's just a place to stay. And these kids are older, so it's fair, but my daughter is going to be going full-time into nursing school. And I went to the movies the other day with my ex-husband and my sons, and he just kind of dropped a bombshell on me. He's like, hey, by the way, I've offered to live at my home for free. So she doesn't have to pay any rent. She'd have a larger workspace on the back and all that. How do you feel about that? And I I know that the way he delivered it was fine, but it was the way that I took it. I'm like, well, wow, that that's a lot to throw on me right before this movie starts. I had no idea. I had no idea that she was even considering this. And it made sense because I noticed that she had been kind of removed or a little bit more like she's thinking about something for the past week or so. And she was thinking about this because, of course, she doesn't want to like leave me without income and she uh doesn't want to move. I know that this home has been a spiritual home for her, but there are some real benefits to her living in her dad's house. He's got a huge property. Not only would she have a room, but she'd have a two guest bedrooms and the whole basically other side of the house, for including a big living room of her own. Why wouldn't she want that? Huge property for her dog to run around, including a pool, and her dad is gone three to four days a week. So she basically all she has to do is kind of keep the house clean. And that's easy to do when you've got he's neat and tidy and you've got her there. So pretty much it's a no-brainer, right? But I know she was worried about the the taking away the income for me and then also like leaving me. Like she knows that she's been a spiritual source of comfort and strength for me because she's a daughter. Not that my sons aren't, they are, but boys are boys, girls are girls, very, very different. So, at any rate, it it did hit me hard. And I, of course, I have many different parts of my brain that started to work, but I was kind of just shocked because I had no idea she hadn't mentioned it to me. And I went home after the movie and it all kind of hit me. And so I decided to talk with her about it. And my main goal was to make sure that she knew that she could make any decision that she wanted to make that was best for her. And I did do that. Uh I brought it up and she was emotional, and she, I think she was glad that I brought it up because she had been, obviously, it'd been weighing on her mind. And she went through the pros and cons and I listened, and and my other daughter came in. And basically, we both said, hey, you have to do what's right for you. Of course, we don't want you to leave. Your room will always be here. We love you. But if this is what's best for you, it's closer to school, it's closer to your friend who you're going to school with, and you guys are study partners, it's closer to the place that you'll eventually intern at. There's a lot of benefits, a lot, a lot of benefits versus staying here. It makes sense. Please do what's right for you. And so I could tell that alleviate, and I meant that, alleviated her a lot of her worries that she could make a decision freely based on what was good for her. I made that very clear. But of course, for me, there was emotional fallout. I'm not as worried about the financial because the thing is I'm always covered. I mean, that was like definitely something that popped into my head, but literally, this is the way my life works. I'm like, okay, I let it go. Something's gonna come to me, and something did come to me within a very short period of time. Uh, I knew exactly how I was gonna make that money up. And it was just like a gift from the heavens. You know, just landed in my lap. And I looked into it and I'm gonna be able to do it. So it's great. I will be able to make up that money. And if she stays, I'm still gonna do it and I'll have some extra money that will help me save and all that good stuff. But I think it was mostly the emotional thing because I really realized, and I've always known it and I've always articulated it and spoken it out loud, but how important my kids are to me and having them here and knowing in my mind full well that it's not gonna last forever, that my son and my daughter who live with me, and even my daughter who's renting a house, a couple down the uh houses down the street, two houses down, that is going to end one day and I'm gonna be on my own. And even though I'm mentally able to be on my own, I think I just appreciate and have really been shielded by a lot of that empty nesting that people have for a long time. And it might be my time to let that up. And then my son has also considered getting his own place and moving out within the next year or so, maybe even sooner. And that's something that I'm gonna have to deal with as well. I think the daughter hits differently because it is a daughter, is the person that's like, let me feed your dog, let me take the trash out. I remember trash days on Tuesday. How was your day at work? Mom, what can I do for you? Can I do anything for you? I'm at the store, can I buy anything for you? Girls do that. Boys don't do that so much. So I was also losing like a house partner too, right? I mean, she cleans up and all that good stuff. But when you get past all of that, it really is just the emotional support system, the network that I've had. And I realized that I was going to be going into a season of change, whether it be not immediately, it's gonna be sooner or later, and I'm gonna have to prepare for that. And that is the reason that this week, and I'll get into that right now, which is the episode, which is about the tree of life. So if you followed me for a while, you already know that I have the tree of life, or you may not know, but I do. I have it tattooed on my shoulder, and my kids' names are written around it in a beautiful script. It's the only tattoo I have, the only tattoo I'll ever have. And I have a necklace that my kids gave me that I wear around my neck with the tree of life. I have jewelry, a lot of Trioblife jewelry, it's all over my house. Because the thing is, when, and the reason I have it tattooed, they my kids gave me that necklace, I believe it was on my 50th birthday. And I am the tree of life. I am the tree, right? My roots were made from walking through hell. I got some deep ass roots, and then I'm the tree. I'm gonna change with the seasons, and that's natural and beautiful, right? Spring, summer, fall, winter. And this is a season of change. And so the tree of life, I'm gonna get into what it actually means, but it's always been a symbol for me and it's been my talisman of sorts. And the reason that I put it on my right shoulder, because my kids were literally my angels when I was walking through the darkest time in my life. My kids literally were the reason that I was able to make it through because I knew that I had to be there for them. I knew that I could create a happy story or I could create a horrible ending by my actions. And so that kept me going in the darkest moments of my life. And that is why it's tattooed on my shoulder because my kids were literally my angels, right? So this episode is about growth and healing and renewal, rebuilding hope. Uh, that's basically the whole point of the show, anyway. But it's wrapped around that whole thing that I just shared with you. And that's where it came from. That's where this concept came from, is that I am that tree of life. I'm that tree of life for my children, and I am an important entity to my children, and I need to be okay no matter what life throws at me or them. I've got to be able to be that uh strong tree of life for them. So let's start with a tattoo. Uh, that's the backstory. When I was in the worst of my drinking, like I said, there was a stretch of time where most of the people that I loved and who loved me had basically run out of road. And I don't blame them for that. Some of them stepped back and kind of watched what would happen, but they definitely pulled back, or they flat out just left my life, or they basically said, I don't think you're gonna make it. You know, and I don't blame them for that. I was not easy to love in that season, but I was fighting. It's not like I had given into it either. But my kids, they did not quit on me. All four of them. They watched me disappear a little more every single month. Not one of them wrote me off. They did not hold it over my head later. And guys, they could have. They weren't performing forgiveness while quietly keeping score. Guys, they kept loving me through it like it was the most obvious and the only thing in the world, even when I gave them every single reason to walk away. And like I said, that is the reason. They are the reason that I'm still here. So I got that tree of life tattooed on my shoulder with their names, and that's why. And now let's talk about the tree of life and what it actually means. This is a wonderful symbol, but maybe you don't really know exactly where it comes from. So the tree of life, it shows up in nearly every spiritual tradition on earth, which alone should tell you something, right? Celtic mythology, Norse mythology, ancient Egyptian belief, the Kabbalah, Buddhist and Hindu iconography, even in the Bible. So, in layman's terms, across all of these traditions, it represents the same thing: a single tree whose roots and branches connect every layer of existence at once. The roots that go down into the earth, into the underworld, and to a lot of these traditions, but also into everything hidden and buried and foundational. The branches, of course, reach up to the sky, into the heavens, into everything expansive and unseen above us. And the trunk stands in the middle, holding both truths at the same time. And that is what it means to me, renewal. My roots reached all the way down into hell, into the worst chapters into my life, into everything that I survived and that shaped me, and they went deep. And at the exact same time, my branches are reaching up towards the sky, towards everything that I'm still becoming, and I am still becoming every single day. I am definitely not ending up. I'm starting out, and I hold that truth. Everything good that's still ahead. Both of those things are true about me simultaneously and for yourself as well. That is not a contradiction. That's what makes a complete living being. You don't get one without the other. The tree doesn't apologize for having roots and the dirt, and it doesn't stop reaching for the sky because of where it started. It just is both all at the same time, and that's kind of the whole point, right? A tree also doesn't get to keep every leaf, and this is the important part. That is not the a flaw in the design. That is the design itself. Every single year, a healthy tree drops its leaves completely. I mean, I'm sure it would rather keep them. I would, because holding on to everything at the same time is not what keeps it alive, but letting go is what keeps it alive. The roots don't move, the roots are there and they are what the tree is rooted in, no matter what the season is, right? No matter what the tree looks like on the outside, the leaves they come and go. And the tree survives every single time and then it grows again, goes through the seasons. For my kids, especially after everything we've been through. So I am that tree. Like I said, my emotional health, I now carry the hard news, whether I fall apart in front of them and show it or don't show it or how I walk through it or stand in a hard moment, they are watching. And I think it's very important that I, and I do, I remember that with every single challenge that comes my way, my kids are watching. And I will not let them down. My strength isn't just for me, it's bearing the load for four other people that call me mom. And I, not in a martyr way, I owe that to them because they have watched me rebuild. And honestly, if I'm being really honest, I think even though it was hard, one of the best things that they probably could have witnessed is though it was hard, right? The hard things often are the best things for us. They got to watch me rebuild. They got to watch me reinvent myself and find my strength and become the person that I always should have been, right? And I think that is the point. As parents, we have to show our children life is gonna knock you the fuck down. And you gotta get up again and again and again. And you've got to create the life you want for yourself and you've got to make it a happy story. And I said this many times, guys. We are the authors, right? We are the authors of our lives. I refuse to do anything but write an amazing story for myself, no matter what happens. Something bad happens if I get sick, whatever. I am gonna find a way to create an amazing story, not only for myself, but for my kids. I think the important thing to remember is that life is going to hand us circumstances. And in the grand scheme of things, I really do believe that life is a wonderful experience that we're having in this vessel, but this vessel doesn't last very long. It is up to us to remember that the leaves are going to naturally change. I mean, I look in the mirror, I see it every day. I take care of myself, I exercise, I eat right, I take care of my skin, but I'm aging, make no mistake. That doesn't make me irrelevant, that doesn't make me any less. And I refuse to be a burden to anybody, not for anybody else only, but for myself. I have pride. I am going to not only make this life work for me, fuck that. I'm gonna conquer this life. No matter how I go out, I am going to go out with triumph, right? And I can do that. It's all decision-based. But I think the important thing we have to really embrace is that we are trees, right? Our roots, hopefully they go deep and they're rooted in something deep. I believe that mine are. Our trunk is the strength, our backbone. And then the leaves are just whatever phase of life we are in, the season of our life. So I don't know how this is gonna play out for me yet. Maybe it stays, maybe she goes, and it turns into be a significantly better move for her. I am gonna adjust. It's gonna end up fine because literally, guys, that is how my life works. When things happen, they come and they throw me. I've become kind of a master at being like, okay, I'm feeling like crap right now. I'm gonna go into myself and I'm gonna hunker down and I'm gonna acknowledge my emotions, understand where those emotions are coming from, and then process it from a higher standpoint, from the higher being in me. I go into meditation and prayer, I ask for spiritual guidance and support. I feel the love of my mom. It was funny. I went out that night and I noticed that I was hypersensitive to how I was feeling. And I went outside just to look at the moon and the stars, and that silly wind chime has become kind of this spiritual, who knows, right, if it's real or not. But to me, it seems real, a spiritual beacon for me or an answer. So I go out and came out and she's like, Are you okay? I'm like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm great. I was, but I was definitely thinking, and I went out and I started talking to my mom silently. I was looking up at the moon and the stars, and then literally there was no wind. Guys, this has happened before. I've told you this. And the wind chime made one solid gong. Now, I don't know how that happens, but I swear to God, I think it's my mom. I think she's like right there on the other side of whatever barrier in between the dimensions. And she's like, hey, I'm here and I've got you and I support you. And then I slept and had all kinds of crazy dreams. And then the next morning I woke up and I was kind of struggling emotionally, and I prayed about it. And I went to work and I got everything that I needed at work. Man, I had my amazing manager who I talked about before, my friend and manager. He just was. He just plays great music in the back, and he's just such a wonderful source of light and love. And I was able to really change the trajectory of my day by enjoying the craziness and the busyness and the people that I work with. And these people are wonderful that I work with. I'm so happy to call my coworkers, my co-workers and friends. And I was able to pick totally change my attitude. And by the time I came home, I just knew that everything was going to be okay. And by the next day, I actually had a game plan where I was going to be able to come up with that income source. And I trusted it. And that was one of the things that I did when I was looking at the stars that night and I heard the gong. I said, God, universe, I am always covered. I know that 100%. I'm not worried about the money because it's going to come to me. What I want is to do the right thing for my daughter. What I want is to be able to handle every change in my life gracefully. Please support me. Please give me everything that I need. And I trust that I will have that because literally, when I look back in retrospect, I have such faith in that. Even the darkest moments of my of my life were lessons. And I see that I have ancestral, spiritual support. My mom, those that came before me that still watch out for me and love me. There's so many signs that point to the fact that I'm not alone here. And I have walked out of this in just a couple of days. I still don't know what's going to happen. I'm kind of future projecting, but eventually it's going to happen and I'm cool with it. And I think that's the thing. I can honestly say I'm cool with it. And I not only am I cool with it, but I really feel like whatever is good for her is good for me. I'm going to gain, if she leaves, I'm going to gain a room that I can shoot my Amazon stuff in and have an office and an exercise room. So, but I want her to do what's right for her. And that's the thing. And it's the same for all my kids. I don't ever want to be a burden to my kids. I don't ever want to be that person they have to think about like, how's mom gonna react? Oh, how's her emotional health gonna be? Fuck that. My emotional health is my responsibility, not theirs. And I know that. And I don't think I ever make it about me. But sometimes, let's face it, when we're hit with something, it's about us at first, right? How we feel, like, oh, I feel whatever. And then we have to process that. That is our job as human beings, as functioning adults. And to be a beacon of light and love and hope to our children, we have to be able to walk that walk and not put their hard decisions as something that's a personal or something that's gonna be taken away from us or whatever. I think as parents, we do that, right? We let our kids go. A job leaves, we say, okay, something else is gonna come for me. Whatever it is, even health stuff. Like I told you that with my health journey, as hard as it was, it gave me this new business. There's not a thing in my life, guys, that happens that isn't shaping my life. And because of that deep root system, and because I do have a very strong, tough trunk after everything I've been through, I'm cool when with when my leaves change. I'm good with that. I'm getting older and but I feel like I'm starting out, however long I live, whatever this life throws at me, I'm gonna enjoy it, I'm gonna make the best of it. I'm not gonna live in any kind of fear. I'm gonna just process things as they come. If it hurts, I'm gonna acknowledge that. And then I'm gonna pick myself up and I'm gonna dust myself off and move on and know and trust that something better is coming. So if you're in a season of your life right now watching something that you love change, maybe a kid is moving out, a friendship is changing, a relationship might be ending, your job is not so good anymore. Any version of a leaf falling off that you would rather have kept, I want you to hear this. The falling off of the leaves does not mean the tree is dying. It is making room for something new. That is the opposite of what it's doing. It means that the tree is still doing exactly what it is supposed to do. And it is your job to process it, to move through and trust and believe that when that leaf falls off, something brand new and beautiful and fresh is going to take its place. That's all I got for this week. So I would like to thank you very much for being here and holding this part of my story with me. If today's episode resonated with you, please don't stay in silence. Share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you're walking through your own fire right now, know this you are not too broken, you are not too late, and you are never ever alone. This is Burn It Down and Begin Again. I'm Erica, and I'll see you in the next chapter.