Chapter 46 - How to Become Bulletproof: 7 Principles to Live By

How to Become Bulletproof: 7 Principles to Live By

What makes some people able to get knocked down by life, get back up, and keep moving forward—while others feel completely overwhelmed by the same challenges?

In this episode of Burn It Down and Begin Again, Erica explores psychological resilience and why becoming mentally stronger isn't something you're simply born with. Resilience is a skill—and like a muscle, it can be strengthened.

Drawing from psychology, neuroscience, Taoist philosophy, and her own journey through addiction, divorce, recovery, changing friendships, and rebuilding her life, Erica breaks down how we can train ourselves to face difficult situations instead of avoiding them.

She explores learned helplessness, emotional regulation, victim mentality, letting go of resentment, handling rejection, setting boundaries, and why constantly “protecting your peace” can sometimes prevent you from developing the very resilience you need.

Erica also shares practical ways to strengthen your mental toughness: choosing hard things on purpose, focusing on what you can control, becoming more flexible when life doesn't go according to plan, building multiple pillars of meaning in your life, and learning when to rest versus when it's time to get back up and keep going.

Plus, she shares seven Taoist-inspired practices for creating a stronger, calmer mind: presence, releasing thoughts, acceptance, non-judgment, solitude, gratitude, and intentional action.

If you're navigating adversity, changing relationships, emotional setbacks, or simply want to become stronger in the face of life's inevitable challenges, this episode is a reminder that being bulletproof doesn't mean nothing ever breaks you. It means you've learned how to rebuild yourself when it does.

Your resilience isn't fixed.

It's a muscle.

And every hard thing you survive is another rep.

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Transcript

Erica 0:00

Today we're talking about what it takes to become bulletproof. This episode is about psychological resilience. That means even in the face of real difficulty, you're able to pick yourself up and move forward. You can tackle the hard things even when they're uncomfortable. You've probably looked at someone and wondered, why can they do that and I can't? And here's the answer: it is not a personality trait and it's not learned. It is a muscle, and muscles can be developed. Let's talk about it. Welcome to Burn It Down and Begin Again, because sometimes the only way out is through the fire. I'm Erica, and this is my story told one chapter at a time. Not to relive the pain, but to reclaim the power that was buried beneath it. I share it boldly because I know I'm not the only one. Too many of us carry stories like mine of trauma, silence, survival, and shame alone. But healing isn't just about surviving what hurt us. It's about becoming the people we were meant to be, how we can transform pain into purpose and rebuild life on our own terms to show what is possible when we rise to the strongest version of ourselves. If you hear yourself in my words, know this. You're not crazy, you're not broken, and you're definitely not alone. This podcast is part of Chicology. Real women, real stories, and real transformation. We're here to break cycles, rise higher, and create lives that radiate power, purpose, and passion. So if you've walked through hell and you're ready to grow, evolve, and rebuild, then stay with me. There's hope here, there's healing here, and there's an army of us rising with you. Now, let's begin. Hello, guys, and welcome to yet another episode, the 46th one, actually. I'm approaching 50 of burn it down and begin again. This is Erica. First of all, thank you so much for being here and a quick apology. I am well aware of the fact that I missed last week and I'm I'm really sorry. I try not to do that, you guys. I am I should be one of those people that have episodes stored up and I don't. I'm always flying by the seat of my pants. Life is busy, I'm always juggling a lot. And last week I was in Zion with one of my sons, and we had an amazing two-day adventure out in Zion National Park where we piped the narrows and we did the Emerald Pools, and it was just fantastic. It was a great getaway. We even went out off-roading at 11 o'clock at night to see the uh meteor showers that were going on and caught a glimpse of that. Uh, just like hung out in the back of his truck and like got some snacks and hot cocoa way up in this mountaintop, and it was beautiful. It was it was an amazing time. But anyway, that's my excuse as to why I did not get that episode done. First thing I want to do, if you are listening, take a moment to go ahead and leave a rating, a comment, some stars. It really does help people find the algorithm. And we are approaching 50 episodes, so we're getting picked up more. It makes a difference now more than ever. If you haven't done that, it helps other people that might really benefit from this podcast find it. So if you could, I'd really appreciate it. So, quick catch up. Like I said, I was in Zion last week. I had an amazing time. Business with my friend Elise, uh, who you met uh several episodes ago, is going great. It's just growing by leaps and bounds. Uh, I'm super busy. I'm actually on PTO from my regular job right now, going back on the 24th, I think, something like that. And just really appreciative for this time to do a couple fun things, but mostly to just get caught up with life around here in my home. I have so many different things that I need to tackle. Uh, you know how it is, you're owning a home and there are things that need to get fixed and projects that you forget about doing or you put them on the list and they never get crossed off because there's always the priority stuff that you got to get done. So I'm trying to tackle that stuff and taking some time to be good to myself. I make myself some good meals, exercise, get out with my dog, some self-care going on, which is really important too. So, as always, we start out with a challenge of the week. And I think my big challenge of the week this week is my ever-changing life and how that um evolving is affecting certain friendships and things in my life. And I've told you guys this many times before, but I know that I'm 56, but I feel like I'm 56 going on 30. Well, I have never felt more like myself. I have never felt stronger. I have never felt better or more centered or more powerful or more sure of who I am. Um, it's just a strange phenomenon. I mean, you think that this is how you're going to feel in your early life. And I think most of us don't. I think we spent most of our early life, you know, raising kids, being busy, or being insecure because I think it takes a certain amount of work and time to get to this place. And as that is happening, I am noticing that certain friendships and relationships are stronger and truer, and certain ones are falling to the wayside. And there's one friendship in particular, and you know, I'm kind of mourning it, even though it's not really gone. But this is a person that was in my life when I was very active in the AA community back. This is like in 2018 when I was really struggling to get sober. I met this particular person, and we have just outgrown each other, to be honest. I mean, I feel like uh that person's life has taken a certain trajectory, mine is taking a certain trajectory. And there are certain ties that bind that I think that hold friendships together, shared values, common interests. We literally have none of those things anymore. This person's life has taken a direction that is so opposite of mine. And, you know, not to say that I couldn't, of course, have a friendship with somebody that has a very different life than me. I do. I have friends that are very different than me. But literally, this person and I just struggle for things to even talk about anymore. We are so opposite in in so many different ways. And it's just happened slowly. It's one of those things that have, you know, kind of crept up over time. And this is a person I used to see every couple of weeks. We'd get together, we'd have dinner, we always found common ground. But lately, this person has canceled on me several times in a row. And I believe it is because they are uncomfortable getting together with me because they don't know what to say to me anymore. Their life has taken a direction that is so different than mine. And I think they're very consumed with that. And I think all the things that I'm doing, they can't relate to at all. And we've just lost that common ground. We had so much in the beginning. And so I'm kind of mourning that friendship. And of course, I'm I'm giving it some growth and some um ability to breathe. I'm not forcing the phone calls, I'm not trying to make plans anymore. In fact, I refuse to make plans anymore because, you know, once you get canceled on a few times in a row, you realize that, you know, either you're not a priority for them, which I don't know if that's entirely the case, or if they just have run out of things to say to you. And I I feel the same. I have run out of things to say to this person. We just are so, so completely different. So I'm just giving it some breathing room. But I think again, like several friendships in my life that have just fallen by the wayside. As I'm growing and becoming more of who I am, there are certain relationships that just aren't aligning with me anymore. I I've got to say. It's not like they're holding me back or stifling me, but I just find there's no growth or no energy to them, if you know what I mean. So I've been struggling with that a little bit this week. And my other challenge is just this always being busy and trying to balance life. Uh, one of the things I struggle with this week is getting this podcast done. This is like the third time I've started it this morning. And it's not that I don't want to do the podcast, it's just that literally my mind is in so many different places right now. I'm struggling with the discipline that it takes to sit down, record something, go back and edit it, get it out there. Really, it's not that big of a deal, but right now I just keep fumbling and dropping the ball and having to re-record and losing my train of thought. And it's so frustrating. So I took a moment, I called my best friend, and she's out shopping for this. I'm I'm actually really excited, I gotta tell you, Elise, who you guys know. She's so fun, right? She's just so fun. She is gonna turn 40, right? And she and her husband, both turning 40, decided to throw this like themed party where everybody dresses up, and it's gonna be like the old game clue. We all have a color and we all have a role, and there are people flying in from different parts of the country for this event, which is so cool. It's gonna be a small group of people, her closest friends, my two daughters are going. We all have a character. And she did this amazing job of putting together these dossiers of everything that we need to know about our character. We have our color. We're having so much fun shopping for dresses. And and I that's what I did to kind of break the monotony and trying to do the podcast. I picked up the phone and called her. I'm like, oh my God, I'm struggling, like, you know, and she's been struggling with some stuff lately too, because we both are in the same place. We've got so much going on. And she's out shopping with her mom for a dress. And so it was really cool to talk to them. They're gonna go have lunch. I think she found a dress. We were kind of bouncing some pictures back and forth. I made myself a little pot of tea and had a little snack. And so now I'm feeling like maybe I have the energy or the bandwidth to come back and do this. So I appreciate you guys bearing with me. I do plan on getting out uh weekly episodes. I just need to get a few in the bank, you know what I mean? But at any rate, that challenge of the week always goes back to balance, right? I'm always trying to find a way to balance my life. It's easier now that I'm not actually working my full-time job because I do have time. But in this time, I have so many different things that I want to accomplish. I had my little mini vacation. I'm not doing anything else. And then all the stuff that's around my house that, you know, I need to build a desk, I need to clean up my backyard, I need to do a whole bunch of videos for Amazon, all the things, you know. Uh I've got scratches on some of my door exams. I've got to fix those because my dog scratched them and my daughter's dog scratched them. Just little things, right? Gotta get all that stuff done. So it's all on my list, and I'm trying to balance all those things in my life. Had lunch with a few friends, have done a few things, but where I'm at right now in my head, I am just all about taking it to the next level with business. Very excited to see where that takes me. So many wonderful things happening in the future. And I'm just so blessed and grateful that my life is so full. But that being said, I did want to talk about resilience and the whole concept of resilience because I think that this is really important. It's not just a personality trait, you guys, it is a trained skill. And I wanted to explain where that skill comes from and how to build it. And I will tell you from my own personal experience, there was a time in my life, especially when I was drinking, I was in that circle, uh, that vicious cycle, you know, where I would drink because I was overwhelmed and sad. And that would make me want to drink more. But then, of course, the drinking would make me more overwhelmed and sad. And I was at a place in my life where the smallest things were just sending me into hiding. And basically, I was just in bed all the time. I couldn't get out of bed. It was just an effort for me to even take a shower. I was handling nothing. And this was, of course, you know, years ago. But since then, I have spent a lot of time and energy understanding the human brain, understanding how things work and exercising that muscle of resilience. When I genuinely can't do something and I need a break, and I say to myself, okay, you need to take this break. Let's try again tomorrow. Or am I just putting off doing the hard things that need to be done? And it's interesting because I used to hide from the things that scared me, and now I run to the things that scare me. It's part of my personality trait now. The harder it is, the more it scares me, the more I run towards it and try and tackle it so it can be done, cross off, and finished in my mind. And that is something that was absolutely learned over time. There were two psychologists back in 1967, and they ran this experiment. And basically, animals were exposed to a stressor that they couldn't escape, you know, a sound, something physical. Later, when escape became possible, the animals didn't even try to escape. And the psychologists called this learned helplessness. So for 50 years, that was the accepted theory. And the idea was enough hardship teaches you that nothing you do matters, so why try anyway? So, what's interesting though is in 2016, the same two researchers published a new paper, same guys. They said that they had it backwards. After studying neuroplasticity and all the different advancements made in the field, they said that shutting down is not learned. It's actually automatic. It happens in the brainstem to every human being and mammals. So what actually had to be learned was not the automatic shutdown, which happens. That happens to us naturally. What had to be learned was control. There's a part of the brain behind your forehead that checks whether you have influence over what's happening. And when it detects control, it switches the shutdown off. And that part of the brain works just like a muscle. It gets stronger through repetition. So you push against something difficult and it moves. That's like a rep, just like your muscles, right? And that reps and the muscle gets strong. And modern life removes a lot of those reps because convenience replaced difficulty. And at the same time, we're exposed to stress that we can't control, right? We're being inundated with it. News, comments, you know, online stuff, social media for hours every single day. Work has become more stressful. It's harder to live in this world, money, all the external circumstances. So we begin to automatically shut down and we stop developing that muscle. And there are three pitfalls. Pitfall number one is protecting your peace, avoiding hard things and calling it self-care. We've all done that, right? That trains the brain to avoid difficulty instead of building the muscle. So what's the difference? I can definitely say I think I know the difference. For example, today, I could not get myself to get this podcast right. I kept making errors, kept getting frustrated, putting my head in my hands, like, what's wrong with me? And everything in me just wanted to just say, fuck it. I'm just gonna do it tomorrow. But I already did that last week, so I can't do that. So today was a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I thought, okay, I have to change my mindset, right? I have to do something different for a couple of minutes that's going to allow me to finish this task, which I do want to finish. I just am having a mental block. So, like I said, I got up, I made a little something to eat, I made myself a pot of tea, I went outside and sat in the sun for a minute, and I called my best friend and talked about her shopping trip and what they're doing and told her, Look, I'm just struggling right now. And she's like, Oh, I feel that. We kind of commiserated. And guess what, guys? Here I am recording the podcast because it's got to get done. That is what I'm talking about. I did not want to do it, but that's a muscle, right? Versus what I used to do a lot, which is the shutdown, right? Where I'm just so overwhelmed. And have you ever felt like that? So overwhelmed by circumstances, maybe a lot's hitting you, or maybe it's not even that much. Maybe you're just already at your breaking point and something hits you and you just feel like you want to just shut down. Is that something that you need to shut down for? Or is that something that you basically are doing all the time to avoid the hard things? And I think I did a lot of that in my former life. I have moments, you guys, do not get me wrong, that I'm like, oh my gosh, this is really hard for me. I had one a couple weeks ago where I was really crushed by something, something really hurt me. And I felt so sad. I felt like I just felt like I wanted to feel sorry for myself. And I knew that. I'm like, okay, you want to feel sorry for yourself. Let's do this. Let's curl up with the heating blanket under your covers with the dog. We'll close the shades, we'll put on one of your favorite shows, and we'll shut down for a while. And I did until the next day. But I told myself, tomorrow morning, you're gonna get the fuck up and you're gonna go for a run and you're gonna take the dog out and you're gonna start over. And that's exactly what I did. And that's kind of my go-to now. I will allow myself brief periods of time. And sometimes it's only moments. You know, I had something happen to me last night where I kind of lost my temper. I could feel it, and I felt frustrated by a situation. And rather than giving in to that, I kind of did. I kind of said something, I gotta be honest. But I caught myself. I'm like, okay, wait, okay, take a second, take a breather. You know, I know you don't want to deal with this right now, and you're gonna deal with it the wrong way because you're angry. So I took a moment for myself, went into the bathroom, did a couple deep breathing exercises, and then came back and I was fine and I was able to face it. So you have to know, is it one of those things you shut down for for a night, or do you need to go do some deep breathing in the bathroom and fucking pick up and go, right? That that is number one. Number two, the fairness contract. Something unfair happens. You replay it again and again in your mind. You want an apology before you'll move on, and this gives control of your timeline to the person that hurt you. Have you ever done that? I had one of these things happen to me the other day. There was something that happened that really stuck in my craw. I was so mad because I'm like, that is so unfair. How could that person treat me that way or make that comment? Like that was so unfair. And I felt like this person really owed me an apology. And of course, I know I'm not entitled to an apology. That person has a completely different set of feelings than me. And I'm sure they believe staunchly that they were right in this particular situation. And I just thought they were being a rude asshole, right? And I'm like, fuck, apologize to me. But I knew that wasn't gonna happen. So I had to kind of dissect that quickly in my brain and step into what I call the Spock mode of being, where I am not gonna allow stuff like that to affect me. I am not gonna get into, even if they were wrong, even if they were right, it doesn't matter. Two different people, two different perspectives. I was able to let it go and let it rest. And later, guess what? We were able to resolve it because I let it go. But don't get caught in that fairness contract where you allow somebody else to take over your mind space, to have rent space in your head where again and again you're replaying something that very likely was unfair and wrong, and you're not able to let it go because you're not getting the apology or the resolution that you need. Sometimes it's just a resolution, and that's something else I struggle with too, is the resolution factor, not necessarily even the apology, but if I have an argument with somebody or something goes wrong, I tend to want to fix it pretty quickly because I don't like that feeling of it sitting there. And sometimes you're gonna get that, guys. And I have one person in my life that is like that. They'll be angry and they'll be angry for a while. And I want to fix it if we've had a disagreement, but they have to sit on it for a while. And that is so hard for me by nature to just not try and go in there and fix things right away. So these are all learned muscles, but that is a big one for our happiness if we can learn to control that. And then pitfall number three is fusing the hit to your identity, meaning my business failed becomes I'm a failure. Uh, this person left me versus I'm a person that gets left, right? Making things personal. That is a serious pitfall that people fall into. It basically makes us victimized. It puts us in a victim role. And I think that that is the most dangerous place that we can be. We have to remove the victim mentality. We have to stop telling ourselves stories. Why is it that the bad stuff is so much easier to believe? You've noticed that, right? You can have a friend that just compliments you all the time, and you get rather used to it. You're used to this person being kind to you. And yet they say one thing, maybe about your weight or something that you said or you did or you're wearing, and that is the thing that sticks in your head. Not all the wonderful compliments that they paid you. That's just an example. But that is a trap, it's a victimization trap that we fall into. And that again takes muscle to be able to pull back and like, hmm, okay, let's get Spock about it. Let's get emotionless, let's take a look at what is, analyze it, and let it go. And that takes a lot of practice, you guys. So there are four things that can build that muscle. One is to find the smallest thing you can do and control it right now. That's a big one for me. So when I feel like I'm out of control, like today, I just felt like I was struggling doing this podcast. I realized I'm sitting there with my head in my hands. Like, what is wrong with me? Why can't I get through just speaking, like just talking? What is wrong with me that I keep, you know, get stumbling and losing my words and I'm so frustrated, ready to rip out my hair. I'm like, okay, I'm getting nowhere after like the third or fourth attempt. So I thought, okay, what can I do? I'm gonna get up, sit in the sun, I'm gonna call my friend, make a cup of tea, and have a snack. And that allowed me to have an element of control in the moment. Those were things that I could do, and I did do, and then I was able to come back and tackle what I needed to get done. That's a big one. Two, choose hard things on purpose. So, you know, cold showers, hard conversations, sitting with boredom or tackling the hard thing that you don't want to do, that I mean, that's hard, right? We have to, it takes muscle to build up to that. But I mean, like if there's a chore that you don't want to do and you're dreading it, it's gonna be way worse, you guys, if you sit there and dread it all day long, knowing you're gonna have to do it anyway and doing it at the end of the day. You might as well knock that shit out, get it done, and then guess what? It's done, and you're not gonna think about it for the rest of the day. And that goes for all the hard stuff in life too. The hard conversation, that's a big one. The apology that you have to make that you're dreading making because you know that you were wrong. Uh, fixing that relationship with somebody that you really want to fix, but it's in a bad place. Choose the hard things, you guys. Do the hard things. That is a muscle, and you will find the more that you run to that, that's your go to, and that's pretty much my go to now. Uh, the easier your life will get. Number three, stay flexible. Ask for help sometimes, handle it alone other times. Rigid things break, remember that. Flexible things bend. That's a very tall. Idea, right? Be like water. Water is the most destructive force practically in the universe. Think about how it eroded the Grand Canyon. Um, the glaciers. Think about all of these things that are made of water. And yet, it can fill any space. It will always seek the lowest possible point of gravity. It is pliable and malleable and a fluid, right? So we have to try and think of ourselves like water and to be like water. Flexibility means everything's not always going to go your way. You're not going to necessarily have a say in what somebody else does that affects you. It's their decision, but it's going to directly affect you. Sometimes you're just going to have to suck it up and just be like, well, that's the way it goes. And the more we develop that muscle without resentment, because that's really the key, right? Especially when other people have done things, decisions that they have to make, but it's affecting you and you get resentment. That's another thing that comes as part of that. With that flexibility and just accepting that there are no fixed outcomes, really is a muscle that if you develop it, your life is going to go a lot smoother. You're going to be able to let things go a lot quicker. And number four is build more than one pillar in your life. So meaning if you are nothing but the work, if you work is everything and that pillar gets knocked out, who are you? Right? My marriage was a great example. My marriage and my family were everything to me in an unhealthy way. I mean, not in a good way. I'm talking about in a codependent way with my marriage. And when that marriage failed, I had no idea who I was. Now, granted, I was shaped through years of codependent, narcissistic uh, you know, relationship patterns. But again, I did have a say in all of that. I was just so preconditioned to a lot of bad behaviors. And I put my eggs all in that one basket. Then when that failed, there was nothing left for me. So now my life is very evenly divided. I've got a great group of friends, I've got a great relationship with my kids. I have uh my work, which I love. I've got great relationships with the people at my, you know, nine to five, not really, but my regular job, my full-time job, but that is certainly not who I am. I have this business that I'm developing with my best friend, that's a big part of my life too. But I have most importantly, a very strong spiritual life and a relationship with myself. So that way, if any of those other pillars, if something were to happen, if I were to lose my job, God forbid, or you know, something were to happen with a friendship or whatever, uh, I am not going to feel that my the whole rug has been pulled out from underneath me just because that happened to me and a big portion of my life has been knocked out. It doesn't mean we don't feel things. It doesn't mean that we aren't going to be reeling from things that happen to us. Of course we will, but we have other things in our life that are holding up that foundation, right? And I think the biggest one that we should always be working on is that relationship with ourselves. I love my company. I like who I am, I love where I'm at in my life. I have great energy. I invest in myself, I take care of myself. And that is a huge part of the happiness factor, you guys, having that great relationship with yourself and making sure that you have multiple pillars of strength in your life that you can count on. The thing is, when you get harder to knock down, some people are going to naturally fall away. For example, this friendship that I was talking about earlier. This person I still love, but this was a friendship that was very much forged in lack. We were in a place of lack. We were struggling with addiction. We both had problems with family. We both were having problems, you know, getting our shit together after problematic addictive behavior. Now that that person is sober and I'm sober, our lives have changed so much. We don't have that shared commonality of the addiction. And because our lives have taken such a big trajectory, I'm not the same person that this person had made friends with. I think that they just don't feel as comfortable with me anymore. And myself, I find myself kind of dimming who I am to be around this person. That's gonna happen. That's gonna be one of those costs, you guys, as you build muscle, things that no longer align with you are they're gonna begin to fall away. The other thing is that people who used to move you by getting upset and they find out it doesn't work on you anymore, they're gonna either change tactics and then, well, they will change tactics and then they're gonna get bored. And those relationships are gonna fall away as well. Uh, I can think of one relationship in particular. I don't think he does it on purpose, but my ex-husband used to just systematically, I think part of him enjoyed getting underneath my skin and I would react. And now I just don't react anymore. There was a situation uh a few days ago where like we just were at an impasse and I do what I always do. I'm like, all right, this isn't working today. We'll talk later. Goodbye. And I hung up. I don't react anymore. And when that happens, you get so much power and control back, you guys. And I can think of several relationships in my life that have been affected by that. And those people tend to, if they can't manipulate you and control you anymore with emotional blackmail or manipulation, they're going to just naturally fall away and out of your life. And that's a good thing. Uh, one of the not so pleasant things is that people stop checking in on you as much. For example, I am the strong person, right? I am the one that never seems to need anything. I've got it covered. And that can be deceiving to people on the outside that are busy and they think to themselves, she's got it covered, she's doing good, and they maybe don't check in. Um, I noticed that a lot when I was sick. Thank God for my best friend Elise, who knew she knows me well enough to know that I was really psychologically struggling. But I'm not the kind of person, you know, as a general rule, to really let things all hang out. I did share with her. I'm like, yeah, I'm having a hard time. She knew, and she made a point to reach out and talk to me every day, sometimes for a couple of hours while I was down. Like she was doing her housework after she was doing her thing with work. She would call me up and and just keep me mentally afloat. That is rare, but most people aren't going to do that. My kids didn't check up on me as much because they're busy, you know. Mom's got this, she's okay. I get that a lot with people. And I still do have needs or or things that I need to uh get out of relationships that were like that feed me, right? And so one of the things I've really learned to do, and it's been hard, is I'll reach out and I'll ask for help. Like today, I didn't need any big deal. The old me never would have done that, but I called up, you know, I'm like, oh my gosh, Elise, I'm I'm having this horrible brain spasm. I can't get this done. And like I'm struggling with like getting the podcast done. I feel so stupid. And, you know, I just needed to hear your voice for a sec. And she got me out of it, man. She talked about her lunch date with her mom and going shopping. And just by me expressing, like, I just needed to hear your voice and like kind of to jolt jolt me out of this. She was able to give me uh just some great feedback and kind of get my mind off things that would not have happened if I hadn't picked up the phone. So I think it's really important. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself if you are very strong and all of a sudden you've got your stuff together and people stop checking in on you as much. Pick up the phone and call them because they probably think you're doing really well. And that is one of the byproducts of being strong. People just stop checking on you as much. I think the bottom line is, you guys, you're still gonna get hit hard, but you're gonna recover faster if you start to develop these spiritual muscles and start to understand some of the consequences that come with them. So I want to go over seven Taoist principles. I'm really into, I think more than anything, my spiritual practice is more Taoistic now than anything else. And so these come from the Taoist tradition and the idea that, like water, we were talking about earlier, mind is like water. It takes the shape of whatever holds it. So one, presence. Give full attention to one thing at a time. That's hard. And I do try to do that, but I I my tendency is to get super sidetracked. I'm like, oh, I'm doing this, but I'm thinking about 12 other things. I try to practice mindfulness and attention where I'm at. So if I'm eating, I'm eating. If I'm with my kids, I'm with my kids. I try to put down my phone. If I'm doing a project, I try to be immersed in that project. I try to be present and not doing 50 million things at once, and it really does make a difference. Two, release thoughts. And that's very hard. So that kind of goes back to what we're talking about, playing things over and over in our head. You're allowed to notice them, but then you have to let them pass. Thoughts are not facts, they are observations. But what do we do as human beings? It's our nature. We hang on to these thoughts in our head and we mill them over and over and over and over, and they take on a life of their own. We have to learn to let them go. Three is acceptance. Acknowledge what is real instead of fighting us. So this is kind of the part of number two. We have to be able to very analytically get in that Spock mode of being, take a look at a situation that may have multiple moving parts and it may have different people's opinions or um, you know, personality traits built into whatever is going on. It may be a complex situation, but we have to be able to bring it back to us exactly what we are responsible for and what we can control and move on and let the rest go. That is a very, very hard one. Number four is non-judgment. Notice the story that you drop to events. I'm gonna give you a great example. I did it and I felt so I was very humbled by it. I felt very foolish actually. But this is what happened. I live in a neighborhood with HOA. I hate control in all forms and facets, you guys. I hate any kind of control. And so I really resent the fact that the HOA will leave notices in my mailbox. You have a weed, you know. I mean, there was a sign once that I had outside of my house that they didn't like. And so they told me I had to remove this little sign from the front of my house, uh, which was ridiculous. It had a bad word on it, but it was on my doorstep that it could be seen from the road. And there's a woman that lives across the street and down, if I'm facing out the front of my property, down to the right a little bit. And I knew for a fact she was an HOA board member. So in my mind, for the past couple of years, I have developed this image of her in my head of this nosy, bossy, you know, in everybody's business HOA lady. And every notice that I got, I'm like, well, it had to been her. She's the one that saw it. So I mean, totally not like me, but I did this. And I didn't think about it at the time. But we said it happened the other day. I was out walking my dog, and I saw there was a downed tree in the neighborhood that was actually blocking part of the road. And it's obvious for everybody to see, and I know that HOA usually handles that, and I was kind of annoyed that it's been there for quite some time. And so I saw her out there in her garden and never met her before, and I thought, well, I'm gonna go over and find out what's going on. So I went over and I introduced myself and I had Kato with me. And you guys, she was the nicest, sweetest, most conversational, happy to talk to me woman. Nothing like I had thought of her in my mind. She was just so glad to talk to me, so glad to meet me. She was nice to Kato. I had some rosemary clippings in my hand that I had clipped on my walk from some of that rosemary that grows wild. She goes, Oh, if you ever want rosemary, you can just come and pick it from my yard. I'm she was so nice. And I walked away thinking, what an asshole I am. Here's this woman who's perfectly lovely. And for years I've thought bad things about her. I mean, not really, but I did in my mind that she was like the evil HOA lady, and she wasn't absolutely lovely. So that's a great case in point, right? But we have to remember that. Practice non-judgment, you guys, because judgment is an ugly thing. Number five is solitude. I've talked about this before, but learning to spend time alone without distraction. And I struggle this to with this to a certain extent. I like to stay busy. So if I'm alone, I'm often listening to an audiobook or a podcast. And it's very good to take time with no distractions. So sometimes in my morning walk, I won't even play music and I'll just be present with the dog and listening to nature or not on my phone, or I'll take time to sit outdoors and do some meditation, enjoy the sound of my fountain and the little birds flitting around. It's very hard for me to do that because I'm always mentally busy, but taking that time to practice solitude and presence in the solitude or meditation, which is something that I believe very, very important. Number six is gratitude. I've talked about this many times too, but you guys, gratitude is basically the most foundational thing that we can do. I wake up every day, I do it several times a day, always in the mornings and at night before I go to bed, but I do it a lot, a gratitude prayer, which is essentially just I go through everything that I'm grateful for and really feel the feelings of how grateful I am for those things. And sometimes I get teary. I get so grateful for all that I have in my life. And when I'm really trying to practice that the most is when I'm really struggling the most with feeling resentful. If something comes up or I'm feeling resentful, I will go back and purposefully say stop and think of some things that I'm maybe even about that thing or relation to that thing that I'm grateful for. You guys, it's so quick. How fast that gets you out of that bad place if you could practice that. And number seven, this is a big one, intentional action. Pause before reacting. Choose your response. We are bad at that as human beings. I certainly have been very reactionary in my life. Uh, and that is something that still happens to me from time to time. I tend to have a sense of self-righteousness and a temper. And if you piss me off and if you've pushed me multiple times, I have had a tendency to react. That is something that I purposefully work on, or quickly coming back and apologizing for something. I think that's something I actually am really good at. If I'm wrong, I'm able to go back pretty quick, like fast, and be like, oh boy, I could that I was, I could have done that a lot better, and be like, hey, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry. That is something I've gotten really good at. But try to pause before reacting. And if you can't do that, get good at self-assessing and going back and seeing how you can do better, how you can reformulate a situation, attack it from a different direction, try not to be reactionary. So again, let's go through these presents that we take from Taoism. One, presence, two, release thoughts, three, acceptance, four, non-judgment, five, solitude, six, gratitude, and seven, intentional action. Guys, start with one, make it your daily practice, and add another one every week. So that's all I've got for you today. I've made it through this podcast. I appreciate you guys listening and the patience. And I'm sorry again that I was uh a week off, but I am looking forward to doing some uh Taoist-based uh psychology uh type of tricks for some of the upcoming episodes that have really helped me. Uh, I've got some great ones I'd love to share with you, but who knows which direction we'll take because I am like the wind, I change directions all the time. I might come up with some great new idea between this week and next. But I really appreciate you guys being here so much and uh being here with me today. And thank you again for being a part of this growing family. And I appreciate you and I wish you guys a beautiful week. Remember that being bulletproof does not stop you from breaking, it just means you're gonna stop waiting for somebody else to flip that switch for you. You're gonna flip it your damn self, right? Your hand has been on it the whole time, and you and only you are in control. Thanks for being here and holding this part of my story with me. If today's episode resonated with you, please don't stay in silence. Share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you're walking through your own fire right now, know this. You are not too broken, you are not too late, and you are never ever alone. This is Burn It Down and Begin Again. I'm Erica, and I'll see you in the next chapter.