Off Stage and On Duty
Welcome to Off Stage and On Duty! We’re so glad you’re here. This podcast is a safe, and supportive space for women navigating life behind the scenes, especially those whose partners work in the music or touring industry.
Off Stage and On Duty
Q&A with Sam Beretta: Real Talk from the STAGE Wives Facebook Group
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In this episode of Offstage and On Duty, we’re sitting down with our in-house therapist, Sam Beretta, to answer real questions submitted by women inside the private Stage Wives Facebook group — and wow… this conversation is GOOD.
Sam brings such a grounded, practical perspective while also offering genuine encouragement and tools you can actually use in everyday life. This episode feels like sitting in on an honest counseling session with friends who truly get it.
Whether you’re struggling, growing, healing, or just trying to navigate this unique lifestyle with grace, we hope this conversation reminds you that you’re not alone.
If you’d like to be part of future Q&A episodes, join the private STAGE Wives Facebook group and submit your questions there!
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SPEAKER_06Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Offstage and On Duty. We are brought to you by Stagewives, a community group for women whose husbands or boyfriends or partners or whatever you want to call them. All of the above. All of the above are on the road in any capacity. We're talking tour managers, band leaders, lighting techs, catering, audio engineers, merch guys, bus drivers. If they tour and you are at home keeping things in check, including your sanity, then this podcast is for you. Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So today, Ray and I are just so excited because we have Sam Baretta back on the podcast again. She is our incredibly gorgeous, wonderful in-house therapist for stagewives. If you're in the private Facebook group, you know that she is a group expert and she is uh labeled that for a very good reason. Sam is a licensed therapist and she is also a stagewife herself. So you just bring so much value to the group and to the podcast every time you're on. I just adore you. Thank you. And also, by the way, guys, uh, I'm your host Ray. And I'm your host Ray. And we are the founders of Stagewives. We're just, we're ready to dive in. Okay. So like I almost missed the intros, but we're here. And we're just so excited. We're just so excited, yeah. Because today we have taken questions directly from the private Facebook group that you all agreed to, by the way. We're not just, you know, ripping them off, not to scare anyone away from the group. Yep. Um, but we posed the questions of like things that, you know, maybe questions you want answered on the podcast. And these are the ones that we thought would be perfect for Sam because she just brings such a like next level wisdom on these topics. Great insight. I just like I was talking off mic, but I love editing these because Ray and I are just dead silent. And we're just like soaking it all in and just letting her talk and like, yes.
SPEAKER_01Again, this is just another therapy session that you guys are sitting in on for Ryan and I. Yeah, seriously.
SPEAKER_06So if it's beneficial for us, we hope and pray it will be beneficial for you as well. Sam, do you feel gassed up enough? Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_07Oh wow, I'm feeling good. Let's dive in. Let's get it started.
SPEAKER_01Oh, this is so good. Uh okay, so let's just dive right in because I'm just I'm so so pumped for this. But uh, one of the questions, and I know that we have touched on a few of these before in past episodes and like we've addressed some of it on social media, but I just am so grateful for you guys for posing your questions because it's something that we all feel and it's something that is always in our heads. But the whole concept of keeping the connection alive on the road. So the stage wife asked for habits that you do to keep the connection alive with all the physical distance. For example, they this person makes sure to call every single day, even if it's just 15 seconds. I love you goodnight. And then learning to they want to know more about learning to readapt to the moments that you have together when you literally have a different daily lives. Not in a vacation sense, but in a I've developed these hobbies in this time and have obligations when you're home kind of way. So I think we're all, we all feel this the struggle to connect on the road, the struggle to meet each other where we are when we had lived such different lives. How do we maintain that emotional connection while living these separate lives?
SPEAKER_07I love thinking about the ways that we connect with our partner when they're here, and then thinking, how do we just do something as similar as possible with them when they're away? Because each relationship has their own things that make them feel close to each other. So if it's like, are we sending memes back and forth on the couch at night when we're next to each other? Sure. Let's do that when we're away. Let's giggle about the things that we're seeing on our Instagram feed. Let's send pictures of the dog and pictures of the kids and let's watch the TV show that we always watch. Maybe we're watching it separately, but then we talk about it at some point during the week when we both watched it. Um, just like trying to as much as possible keep your relationship flowing as your relationship does. Of course, it's gonna feel different when we're away from each other, but you're still the same people in the same relationships, and the same things can make you laugh, and the same things can make you feel close. You can have deep conversations, you can have light conversations, those are all the things we do when we're together, and we can just continue to do them when we're apart. Understanding it might feel different, but the flexibility of being able to say, This is how things feel when you're away, and this is how things feel when you're home, and this is what our relationship does. We sort of go through these experiences of being together and being apart, and the flexibility is what we're good at.
SPEAKER_06That is one thing I love about our stage wives is the tenacity that it takes. And I've never like I haven't met one I think I've said this before on a podcast, but I haven't met a stage wife where I'm just like you're not good out for this. You know what I mean? Like, there's just you guys are all so strong and you're doing such great work. And even that is such a like brilliant concept. Like, of course, it is interesting that we go into survival mode when they're on the road and we're just it we're really good at compartmentalizing, I feel like, to where it's like, okay, they're gone, I'm alone, I got this. Yeah. And you forget to, you know, send those funny memes, or you forget to be like, hey, you have a day off. Do you want to keep watching that show that we're binge watching right now? Or yeah, yeah, I I mean, I forget to do that.
SPEAKER_01I forget to do that all the time. I definitely, I definitely find myself doing the hard flip into I am mom, I am dad, I am cook, cleaner, everything. And I just it is funny because we were just, Hunter and I were just talking about this recently about as stressed as I get with like having to maintain everything at home, you know, a lot of times I get so in the zone that I don't text him either. And so I'll look at my phone to text him something and realize that he has sent me like three messages, and I'm like, oh crap. Like I was so into into what I was doing here to keep it running. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you I feel like you have to do that.
SPEAKER_06Well, I feel like it's any relationship as well, because you get in the zone, you're keeping the house together, and then you send them a text to remind them of something, but forgot the sweet connection part first. You know what I mean? Like you and I do that from time to time where it's like, hey, you have this paperwork, okay, great. And then five minutes later, I'll be like, Wait, how are you? Yeah, are you okay?
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, sorry, I'll I also love you. And right, yeah. We're so business, business, business that we forget that you married this person.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, right. And that you're like best friends at the end of the day, and the things that I want to share with them, I can still share with them. I think that as stage wives, we think we need to be in this mentality of I am taking care of all the things, I need to stay focused, I maybe need to guard my heart a little bit because I don't want to start building resentments or I don't want to start getting angry, and we forget that we have this like really cool partnership that we love, and we can nourish it in different ways than if they were just here every day.
SPEAKER_06I love this already. Okay, so the next question that we got, and this is gonna be a doozy, I feel like, but um, I'm just gonna quote the question that she posed. It says, uh, you may have done this topic on an episode I have not listened to yet, but would love to hear more on navigating different family opinions and thoughts about life on the road. Myself and my husband, to be honest, have come to a point where we feel like we can't be honest with our families about schedules, how long he will be gone, how we are doing uh with life on the road, etc. He's been doing this for almost 10 years, so you think we would be better at navigating family opinions. Girl, same. We are to the point of avoidance the past few years. We got more support and less judgment from the family we have. Quote unquote family. Yeah, quote unquote family we have here. You are not alone, first of all. Just want to throw that out there before Sam, you know, gives her wisdom. But this is actually a question that is posed a lot and an issue that we see quite often.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Because it is, it is so niche. It's part of the reason why we started Stagewives, is because it is you don't get it till you get it. Yeah. And you don't understand it till you're in it. And yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking and let Sam answer. So wisdom, Sam, and go.
SPEAKER_07It makes a lot of sense to me that this beautiful stage wife and her spouse are feeling like those are conversations we have been avoiding with our family because after time and time again of feeling vulnerable and sharing that our life looks different and we have to make different choices, and then you're met with misunderstanding or judgment, it makes a lot of sense that we would take a few steps back, which is painful in and of itself. We don't want to feel like we're apart from our family specifically, but sometimes it can also be a healthy boundary-setting conversation. The other idea I'm having is like our family members or people that maybe in more traditional relationships or lifestyles measure like relationship health in a different way than we measure relationship health. A lot of the time people are saying to us, like, Well, how are you guys okay if you spend so much time apart? Or how is this sustainable, or when are things gonna calm down and you can finally be a family? When in our minds are like, when in our relationships we measure the health of our relationship in such a different way, things like teamwork, flexibility, emotional safety, um, communication, shared experience, all that kind of stuff, it just doesn't look the same. The measuring stick is not the same, and it's hard to explain that to family members who are just waiting for it to be over so that family stuff can get started. When emotionally, as stage wives and like tour families, we work so hard to make things feel as stable as possible. That to have the people we love the most being like, Well, you just gotta get through all this instability before you can be all good, it's painful.
SPEAKER_01And not being able to find the joy and stability and in the midst of it is like like saying saying that to a stage wife, like, hey, you just have to get through this terrible time because this is crap, and like you know, the future might look different, but like the light at the end of the tunnel is him being off of the road, that's not helpful, right? And that's not like because you can have a family in the midst of this, you can have joy, you can have connection, you can have a good marriage, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Would you suggest avoiding the conversation or maybe setting boundaries with the family? If they're wanting to, you know, reconnect with their family and not have as much avoidance, like is it worth them having that conversation of like, hey, this is actually a good thing? We're fine. Please stop.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I absolutely think that this is like a boundaries conversation. If setting a boundary means having that like really honest, clear conversation with your family members, then yes, absolutely. Then it's like a touchstone every time it comes back around. Remember, we talked about it like this. This is how we choose to see our family. This is how we have to set different boundaries around our time or our travel or our engagement in family stuff that's going on. If we can have a positive conversation about it, and if you can hear me, I would love to talk to you about it. Like, yeah, this life is hard. What questions do you have? I know it's different. Let's have an open mind in this open conversation. And if that's really difficult for family members to do, again, we go back to the idea that setting boundaries are really for ourselves. We do them to help us feel a certain way. And if we have negative pushback from that, that is something for us to tolerate. I'm gonna set a boundary about how we have these conversations or what these conversations include. And if the family member is upset about that, then I just have to tolerate them being upset. It doesn't mean that I have to change my thoughts or my behavior just because they're having a reaction to it.
SPEAKER_06That's really good.
SPEAKER_07Which is again, it's really hard. It's just like wrapped up in so much grief when it comes to family. Because we want to be close, we want people to understand us. It hurts a little more when our family members misunderstand us than friends or co-workers or things like that.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and I'm sure it's easier, you know, for this stage wife to find that support in your, you know, found family here in Nashville. Because again, we get it. I think it's much easier, you know, for you to find that here, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your family at home is bad. Right. They just don't understand.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And what do you say for like, you know, we do have stagewives who aren't in the Nashville area and then, you know, are in the same position of either either they're only around family that don't understand, or they're not around family at all. At all. And they're not in an area where it's chock full of people who understand the lifestyle. So what do you say to them when they're feeling that isolation and just don't know what to do with themselves?
SPEAKER_07I think there are many places that we as people, and especially as women, can feel seen and heard, right? Like all moms are having a hard time. Yeah. Like being a being a parent is not easy. So whether it's like you join an exercise class with women that are your age and they have small kids, that you can feel seen and heard in that community or a church group or a hobby group. If you start playing mahjong, you know, you get your sweet little mahjong friends and they can like really see you and hear you. I think that those types of friendships or that chosen family, if it's not as accessible to have it be like all of our friends are musicians and they understand tour life. It can simply be I have a group of close friends that I know accepts me unconditionally and non-judgmentally. They can walk into my messy house, they can hold my messy feelings, and I can be seen and heard in those relationships too.
SPEAKER_06I love what you said about it's hard. It's just hard to be a parent. It's hard. Like we are all sharing the same struggles, stage wife or not. Our situation might look different, but it's almost comes back to that mindset of like pick your hard. Like it's either going to be hard at home by yourself, or it's going to be hard outplaying mahjong or which honestly goals. Like now I want to go make some like mahjong friends because I think that would just be awesome. But yeah, or it's gonna be hard, you know, going out to coffee with your littles, you know, it's just yeah, but with community, it does take the burden off a little bit more.
SPEAKER_01That's so good, Sam. So, in in regards to like family and friends that are saying things like what we've talked about, for example, I've gotten how could he do this to you? Or the things that you said earlier, like when is he coming off the road? Things will get better once he's off the road. We talked about setting boundaries to avoid these conversations and to protect ourselves. But what do you say to them when they're actively happening? Like, what's a good rebuttal to that?
SPEAKER_07Maybe it's just about being honest in the sense of we don't really talk about it like that in our family. There isn't necessarily a finish line for us to feel better. So if people are saying that to you, we just respond honestly if we don't want to continue to have those types of conversations with people, and we just say, like, yeah, I just we don't look at it that way in our family, or those aren't conversations that my husband and I have to solve this problem. Um, just maybe being a little more open and vulnerable, which can be really hard because we're already struggling in the conversation, feeling misunderstood. Yeah. But it can actually be a bridge to say, let me let you in a little bit more and say, This is my mindset of choice. Um, and I would love it if you could meet me here instead of me having to meet you over there. Cause you know how we do, we say it all the time. We're like, oh yeah, he'll be home soon, it'll be great. For people that were like, No, I'm not trying to get into the whole thing. Um, you're well intentioned by encouraging me that he'll be home soon, but at the same time, if I am wanting to change the dynamic in this relationship, whether it's a friend or a family member, then I can step towards them with a little bit more vulnerability and honesty and see if that changes the course of the conversation. And if it does, wonderful. If it doesn't, then we know maybe unfortunately, I might need a stricter boundary with this person to say, like, I just can't have conversations like this with you every time.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Well, and even what you said earlier with uh we don't need a finish line to find fulfillment is such a good rebuttal. I like tad that in my brain of like, yeah, that's just so good.
SPEAKER_01We need to log that too, just to just to have like on deck we don't need a finish line to be fulfilled. To be fulfilled. Yeah. So here's the next question that super excited about is parenting a baby with a husband on the road. Because a lot of the stage wives in the community are parents and soon to be parents. And so we've had a lot of questions about this recently. A lot of people who actually we had at least four new joins to the group online that are uh welcome, welcome pregnant stagewives. So congratulations. Welcome to the group, welcome to the family, and uh so excited to help welcome your little stage kid soon. Sweet babies. Um, the question is what are we doing for routines to keep things as consistent as we can? My husband specifically does more weekend warrior style touring, so I'm grateful that we get to see him often, but it can feel like whiplash for everyone having him here and then gone and then back again, and also and also maybe some rhythms or routines that have helped keep marriages and communication thriving.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, that is so hard. I've never experienced that with my husband specifically. He's always been gone for longer chunks of time, so it's like I have never had to experience the in and out, in and out, and if he pops in sometimes during his tour, in my mind, I'm always like, okay, this is nice. This feels like a little vacation almost. Um, but then he's gone again. So it's not like there is a huge expectation that the family routine is gonna get completely knocked off when he's home for two days and we're doing things a little differently. But in this scenario where your husband's like gone four days, home three days, gone again, home again, that is so difficult to stay in the mindset of I, as the person that stays home, is the routine keeper. I am like the rhythm maintenance person, and it's our husband's responsibility to come home and assimilate that. It's his job to walk into what we're doing, and it's our job to hold the line. Things happen like this in traditional relationships too, right? Like mom does bedtime Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with the older kid, and then we swap it the next day. Is it just like these are the what days look like when just mom's here? These are what days look like when just when dad also joins the mix. But I think it is it takes a little bit of emotional lifting to say, even though you're here, we're still gonna do the same routine. And it's the husband's responsibility to say, let me jump into what you're already doing and have some clarity about what the expectation is for each person. So the dad or the husband knows when I come home, I do these things. It's like, oh, we got t ball on Tuesday nights, great. Dad's not here, so I do tea ball on Tuesday nights, but then it's like Friday pizza night. Dad gets the pizza, dad plans the dinner because dad's here, you know, those kinds of things. So setting some clear expectations with you and your spouse, and then doing a little bit of the emotional heavy lifting to be the one that. Maintains the rhythm because for us that it actually helps the transition over and over and over again. Our kids specifically just crave consistency, and you can make a flexible schedule or a flexible time together, still feel consistent by being the one that holds the line.
SPEAKER_01So what do you say? Because like this is something that like I haven't personally experienced, but I've actually seen in other relationships, and I've kind of noticed of like, oh, I wonder how they navigate this. Because dad comes home and he wants to do all the fun things and he wants to like, I haven't seen my kid, I haven't seen this, like I need to, I need to go take him to do this. I need like bedtimes get pushed until like 10 or 11 at night, and then like you have that desire for him to make up on time with the kids, while then you're trying to like balance this, and he just wants to do the fun and be the fun person. But then as the wife, you're like, okay, not only am I having to do everything when he's gone, but then when he is here, I'm the antagonist of the relationship dynamic.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I think that this is such an important conversation to have with your partner for them to understand when they come home and do that, they are disrupting the rhythm, and that is not as r respectful as we would like it to be. Um, uh we want our partner to understand and respect what we're doing, and then come home and support and respect what we're doing, and our kids will see that. There's room for dad to come home and do all of the fun things within the rhythm that is also already created. And when you start to feel like now it's me against my spouse when my spouse is here or when my spouse is leaving, then we have to have a conversation with our spouse to be like, we just need to make some mental emotional shifts here about how we are choosing to do this schedule or how we're choosing to exist in this time together.
SPEAKER_06And I feel like that's a practiced habit too, because it took me a long time to realize, like, oh, he's not a mind reader. Like as silly as that might sound. Sometimes we get so in our schedules and routines that they come home and they're like, Hey, we love you, so glad you're here. Forget to communicate the schedule, forget to, you know, have the not necessarily unfun conversations because you know, you want them to feel free to be at home, to be relaxed, but also like they do need to know, hey, he's gotta go to bed at nine, or else tomorrow morning is gonna be hellacious. Like my son doesn't matter, he can go to bed at 11, 1 a.m. 9 p.m. Literally doesn't matter. He will be awake at 6 a.m. Which is insane. I know, yeah, it's crazy. But for my sanity, he needs to be in bed by 9 at the latest. You know what I mean? And unless you communicate that with your spouse who doesn't know, they just don't know. They don't know what they don't know. Like, then you are signing yourself up for like failure and emotional distress, I feel like, right?
SPEAKER_01Right. Maybe we should get some stagemen, some roadies on here to talk about it too, because I think that'd be fun.
SPEAKER_04I'd be fine.
SPEAKER_01I think it'd be very fun. But like they have the blessing of having someone to be at home to take care of their kid. Yes. And so there has to be some they have to meet you. And in order for the household to survive and to function while they're gone and for them to have that blessing and for things to go smoothly, they've got to also do the thing when they get back. They gotta, they gotta say, like, okay, where are we at? Like it can't all be on you as a stage wife, but we do need to be able to speak up for our needs, but like they've gotta say, like, okay, I gotta give up do being the fun dad, and I have to like get my hands dirty, I have to change a diaper, right? I have to like do the hard thing.
SPEAKER_07Yes, they are a part of the team, they are part of the team, they can't just come in, be fun, fly kite, and leave.
SPEAKER_06Like, right. So, just two follow-up questions for before we move on to the next question posed by our stage wives. A couple things like what are some signs that kids may be struggling emotionally with this lifestyle, like with the re-entry gone and how can parents help with that? But then also, what helps kids emotionally adjust to the consistent departures and re-entries? Because that is tough, especially when they're little. I mean, you know, you've got a couple of littles as well. And it's just yeah, it's it's a it's a hard one to explain when they're young.
SPEAKER_07In like one of our first podcasts that we did together, I was thinking about this idea that like we as the person that stay home are like the heartbeat of our family, right? We're like the tether, we are the consistency. So I think it's just even when our kids are little, it's just talking to them on an age-appropriate level that this is what happens in our family. This is just like we ride these emotional waves, and we have to figure out how to learn how to do it. So you tell me, beautiful child, what are you feeling? Like, what are you having a hard time with? Why is it that this experience is making you feel this way? And then we just like do that a lot with them. So it gives them an understanding, it gives them a vocabulary. Um, we are the person or the center that keeps the consistency, not just the schedules and the logistics and the routine, but the clarity of what our situation is. And we explained that to our kids. I was just driving in the car with my two sons. My husband just got home from tour, and my five-year-old was just like in a mood, and he was just like short, and he had a little temper, and that's really not his natural state of being. So I had a feeling what was going on, but at five years old, he's not gonna say, I'm just tired. I'm tired of it just being the three of us. I'm tired of mom trying to be the good cop and the bad cop. I'm tired of having to do extra things to take care of my little brother, and it's all because we're just trying to function without dad here. Things feel different. So I was just like, tell me what you're feeling, tell me what you're thinking about. And he's just like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I'm like, I wonder if you feel this kind of way because I've been feeling this kind of way. Dad's gone, things feel different. I feel like kind of grouchy that I have to do so much, or that we have to have so many conversations, or there's so many more feelings than we're used to. I wonder, do you feel the same way? Does that make sense to you? Could that be part of what you're going through? And maybe he didn't catch it the first time, but if we're doing it all the time because this is what our family does, eventually it will just become a natural conversation of what's going on in our family.
SPEAKER_06I also think that kids hang on to more than we realize. Because I feel like my four-year-old just never listens to me. Like he does, but I feel like some things just go over his head or in one ear, out the other. But then he'll tell me something that I said when he was three. And I'm like, bro, you're listening. Like, yeah, you just pretend like you're not. And yeah, that's so incredibly helpful for kids. And also it's a good reminder for stagewives that what you say will be reflected on your kids. And as long as because grief and love can exist at the same time, but there needs to be that love piece. Cause Ray and I unfortunately did have a conversation a few months back with a stage wife that it was very evident that there was bitterness and resentment, and the kids were saying these things as well. And we kind of left the conversation. Those are that's that's learned language. Like, and you just you do have to be careful of like, yes, yes, please, like feel all the things, the spectrum of grief and frustration and grouchy, but like the root has to be love at the end of the day, especially for our kids. Because, you know, like you said so beautifully, like I've just been feeling grouchy and I've been feeling all these things, and that's just normal. But we get to see dad again, he always comes home and we love him so much. He's working so hard, you know, just painting that being the the anchor and the root and the foundation of your family is such a beautiful responsibility. It's hard sometimes, but like holy wow, guys. Like we get to do that. Right. And right nine times out of ten, we do it better than we're think we're doing. You know what I mean? Because we are our own worst enemy. Like we're gonna sit in bed and maybe have like, man, I wish I did this better, wish I did this better. But nine times out of ten, Stagewife, you are doing a much better job than you think. You're doing great. Yeah. Yeah. So, next question that we've got from our private Facebook group goes as follows. I would love to either hear a story about or get advice on not getting frustrated when it feels like your husband says yes to dead end tours. Like he has a specific goal of where he wants to get in the industry, but it doesn't look like he's taking steps to get there. And I have to fight really hard with myself not to pick fights with him about the the decisions he makes for his career, especially when the camps he chooses to say yes to are genuinely so incredible. It's just not in the roles we're wanting him to take. I feel like this was a tricky question. Cause as someone who is in the music industry for I don't know, maybe seven years, I had to say yes to everything. I just said yes to everything because there is a season of life where you have to do that. Yeah. But what do you think, Sam?
SPEAKER_07There are two ideas in the same question. I hear the first question being, how do I manage myself in these conversations with him when I'm feeling frustrated? And the second part of it is like we could get into the nitty-gritty of what moving your career forward in the music industry looks like and how it's never linear, and how saying yes to things opens doors that you don't even know about. But it's really about being present, doing your job well, being seen, being in a good camp of people that can open up opportunities for you, being a good hang so that out there when someone is looking for a person to fill this job, they'd be like, you know what? I was on tour with this guy. And he's out here all the time and he's doing his job amazingly well. And he's fun to be around and he solves problems, like, give him a call. So you just never know what kind of opportunity can open up when you're saying yes to all the things like you've experienced before. The other portion, managing our own frustration in those conversations with them, I think gives us a clue into what's coming up for us. Most likely, we're afraid. We know that we're sacrificing a lot for our husbands to be able to do this. And what does that sacrifice mean if he's not quote unquote moving forward? Or is burnout gonna happen, or is our relationship gonna make it? We are feeling something under the surface that is maybe a little bit disconnected from let's sit here and talk about your career choices. So if we can sit with ourselves for a minute and say, this is usually what comes up for me when my husband's like, should I take this opportunity or not? Then I can redirect the conversation away from is this gonna be a step forward? Are you moving your career forward? Into, well, tell me what this choice would mean to you. What would this mean to your career? Um, what would this mean for us? How do we integrate this choice that you're making to go on a different tour with the same job title? Um, because I'm feeling a little afraid. I don't know what will come of it. And I'm pretty sure that the not knowing is what I'm afraid of and not the choice that you're making one way or the other. That's such a good point.
SPEAKER_06Because that is so it's multifaceted, it's not a simple question. Yeah. Because for me, I would feel fear of being provided for if he were taking you know dead-end things or if I'm really dependent on his income. But also, I would also pose the question is it worth him taking a tour with a great title and a great paycheck? Forgive my French, if your boss or the band leaders or whoever are assholes. Right. What if he's miserable? Right. What if, like, what if it's a great paying thing with his job title, his dream position, but then the employers are just the worst. Because I've also seen that side of it where you know, your husband is coming home like exhausted because touring is so exhausting in and of itself, even if you're with great people. But then you add the emotional weight of just being bombarded with negativity and you know, maybe not aligned ways of thinking where there's things happening on the bus that would, you know, keep every stage wife up at night when where there's substances on the bus.
SPEAKER_01It's a lot to consider in this question. There's so much in this question, like so many things to kind of unpack because I feel like this is kind of this question is really a great culmination over the last like 10 years of my marriage too, because there's been such a journey where, like, when we first got married, he was working for a teeny tiny little like production company in northern Indiana and just doing some like literal like festival, like street festivals. And the town we were in is like the size of downtown Columbia, okay. Not even like great the the majority of Columbia, like downtown, just literally downtown, and that was it. And like the biggest event was a jazz festival, and it was just one stage in the middle of the street, which no hate on that, but it's just like it's been a very big journey from like where he was then to where he is now, but it was a it was a really interesting journey to try to navigate that through his career choices, and then additionally with like me being there alongside him and stuff, because I feel like in what I've seen, at least, especially on the production side versus on the artist side of things, what are you what are you actually wanting to move the career forward for? Like, I think that is kind of a crucial question. Because, like, are you just wanting more money? Are you is there like a dream job of him, his that he's trying to get to? Like, what's the what's the actual core of why you guys are wanting to move into this new job? And for my husband, it was because he wanted to do a specific thing on the road. He has had many opportunities from where he's at right now to move up and do, he does monitors, but he loves monitors, and he's had many opportunities to do front of house, which sometimes is a little bit of a glitsier position on the audio side, but he loves monitors. So for us, we had to kind of figure out that he really wanted to be in a specific position for the position because that's where his heart led him versus just chasing the money. Because when he was just chasing the money, he was accepting literally everything for the sake of just money, but he was full of unhappiness, and he was getting into crews that were not great crews for the sake of just accepting it, and then he'd come home and he's dead, and he's not happy to be there, not happy to be on the road, and just unhappy in general.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, not himself.
SPEAKER_01And one of the things as a relationship that Hunter and I figured out, I wouldn't say early on, but it did definitely was a huge turning point in our relationship, was that every time he got an opportunity for a new gig, he brought it to me and we talked about it, even if it was really obvious that he was gonna take it. I had to feel like I was a part of the equation. And then we could talk about like, okay, so why do you want to take this gig? Right, yeah. Why, why do we as a family want to commit to this together? Because it's not just him committing to it.
SPEAKER_07That's such a beautiful explanation of how, like, just shifting your mindset around the choices that they're making career-wise, it's possible that no career choice is a dead-end career choice. It's just shifting the conversation into what does what does this mean for you? What does this mean for us? What does this mean for your career? And I think that that helps us to like recalibrate back into our relationship too, because we love this person and their passion for touring or the job that they get to do on the road is also one of the things that we love about them. And so if we can figure out a way to have these conversations with our defenses down, then we can tap into like the love and care that we have for our partner, we can tap into our partnership and say we make these decisions together, which I think is such a beautiful idea. And at the end of the day, it's more about how does this choice serve serve us? Any choice in any direction, rather than like, is this the right one or is this the wrong one?
SPEAKER_01Cause who would ever know that? Yeah. Well, it's like you can think you're making the right choice in a career too, and then just discover that this was not it. Right, sure. And then I feel like there's a danger too, and like wanting just to accept gigs to climb the ladder, you know? Then like I feel like that comes out in your work. I don't know. It's it's complicated because it also I feel like depends on on the people, on what's good for you. What do you need? Do you need the stability of one band? Do you need the flexibility of having a bunch of independent gigs?
SPEAKER_06Do you need the benefits of working with a production company if they have any? Yeah, yeah, that's so true.
SPEAKER_01So, like it's and uh, you know, it also it changes in the season of your family. Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06So much pivoting.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. Because what we what Hunter and I need now mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, is so very different than what we needed five years ago, ten years ago. Oh yeah. So I think what you're saying about like having that constant communication and the freedom to like sit down and talk about it. Even if you're you're fearful that it's gonna come across to him as being resentful, having an open conversation about it is better than not having any conversation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_07And yep. And if we think about again, we go back to like one of the first things that we talked about on our podcast together, is like, as the partner, we are responsible for our own feeling. If resentment is coming up, I would love to sit with myself for just a few minutes and say, like, what is this really about though? I am feeling a type of way that's birthing this resentment. And I would actually like to have that conversation under the surface, but I have to get there with myself first. I have to come into this conversation about his career choice or the choice that's right in front of him being vulnerable and saying, I'm scared. I'm scared about in this season of our life what this choice is gonna do to our relationship, to our finances, to our family. Can we talk about that too, alongside the choice that you're gonna make and weigh the options?
SPEAKER_06I think it's also good to, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, Sam, but I think it's also good if you're feeling so unsettled to just reevaluate what you want your life to look like and where you're at in this season of life. Cause yeah, I totally agree with you too, Ray. Like that life, what I need right now is so different than five years ago. Like I could survive off such less money, like 10 years ago, you know what I mean? Like, I can make a pack of ramen go a long way, you know what I'm saying? But now that you know, kids are in the mix and school and you know, jobs and everything else, like the income and the amount of time that I need, what I need in life is exponentially more. And so you do have to sit down and reevaluate, like, okay, what is the why and now what is the how? Like, what do we want our life to look like? Like, why do we feel this way and how can we make this happen as a family unit? You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01So I feel like if you're relying on him to be the one to make those decisions for you, that's where a lot of that resentment can creep in. Because then it's if you are unwittingly making that decision of what you think is the best decision in your head, but then not speaking it, and then he doesn't do what you're thinking, and then you're just like, Why didn't you do this?
SPEAKER_06Like, yeah, well, and just as a reminder to all of the Christians that are in Stagewives, to submit means to be under the same mission. It doesn't mean that you are a doormat letting him lead, make all the decisions, do all the things. Cause honestly, I thought that for the longest time. Where I was like, oh, he's the man, he's the leader, he's got it. And then it was just so much pressure on him, so much pressure and so many decision making. And then he was getting resentful because then he didn't feel like I was doing anything. I thought I was being a good wife. I was letting him lead, but there was no actual partnership there.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And so, just you know, as a friendly reminder, under the same mission means you're on the same team, you have the same vision, you're after the same goals, and you're doing it together. Yeah. And that's like the beauty of partnership, in my opinion. So, Sam, our last question for you goes as follows. Are you ready? Okay. I'm actually like, I'm kind of bum that this is our last question. But it's gonna be, we'll we'll do another podcast with you. There'll be more, it'll be great. I just am like I love spending time with you and hearing your wisdom. So, anyways, here we go. Uh, it says, I would love to hear about planning a wedding with someone in the touring industry and what that realistically can look like. I'm currently a tour girlfriend, hopefully being promoted to tour fiance this year. Hit, hit, nudge, nudge, real thing, guys. And these are anonymous. So uh, you know, take that as you will. And we've already discussed the reality of having a plan, uh, having to plan our wedding around tour season, inviting out-of-town guests, etc. I'm just imagining the stress of planning something a year in advance when my partner doesn't even know what his work schedule looks like for the rest of the year yet. I actually have a couple friends I would like to invite in on this question because they had to do exactly that. He he was uh or is a backline tech for like a giant country um artist, and all of his friends, including myself, are in the music industry. So it was I don't think it was stressful. I don't I mean it might have been, I don't know, but it took a lot of planning.
SPEAKER_01I think this is a good one to talk about for you too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So um, what do you what do you think about this one, Sam?
SPEAKER_07I think starting the whole wedding planning conversation to even tag off of like what we were just talking about, with having the right type of conversation right off the bat, first asking each other and deciding what actually matters to us when it comes to the wedding planning or the wedding itself. Are we just wanting it to be as stress-free as possible? Are we wanting like very specific and important people to be there? Are we just wanting it to feel a certain way? Because I think from that place we can put our hearts and our minds in the right head space.
SPEAKER_06I mean, it might even bride, it might be like it might be a Monday that you get married, because that's when most people are home. It might be Tuesday. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01And the people that are really important to you, like grandparents and parents and stuff. I mean, they'll show up when they'll show up for a Monday wedding. Like they might, they might throw some fits about it, but sure.
SPEAKER_06If you want people in town, because I mean, for your significant other man who will propose this year, take the hint, um, you know, and planning the wedding, like make sure I would say make sure that if you're a backline tech, make sure you have a backline tech friend who can fill in for you. If you're on a tour, because you don't know, a year from now, you don't know what your schedule's gonna look like, but you do know that you've got people. So make sure that you've got a fill-in for a week or two, you know, so you guys can have a wedding and go on a honeymoon. Or like, you know, there's ways to make sure that they're home. Like when I had my son, I know a lot of people have had spouses out of town when they've had their first kid, you know, or been on tours when they've, you know, like fill in the blank of you know, big life event where they have just been out of town, surgeries or like, you know. But if you have a date on the books, he should be able to be home. Yeah. And uh, you know, have a plan in place for that. There are options for sure.
SPEAKER_01And I feel like most, at least in my experience, on because like he hasn't done as much like pop or metal, but like on country, CCM, um, production company side of things, you know, um corporate, uh, they're gonna understand his wedding. So like, yeah, so you know, he has to be able to stand up for himself. Like, you gotta you gotta say, like, all right, I know that you wanna be able to just be the person to show up for this band whenever, wherever, and just be their go person, but like also you need to be able to stand up for yourself and they're gonna understand and be like, hey, dude, I'm getting married on this day. Sorry I can't make your Alabama show.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Well, and like I've got friends who tour with Billie Eilish and with um the girl, I forget her name. A B C who's that I don't remember. Anyways, her and uh people in heavy metal world, like so everywhere from pop to metal to country to Christian, there's not been a situation I've thought of where they're not gonna understand or where they're not going to allow you to like have a filler that you trust, you know, fill in for you for a few shows. You know what I mean? And if you're good at your job, like you can teach them, it's fine. Like we're every everyone's gonna be fine. We're all gonna be fine.
SPEAKER_01I feel like babies, wedding, and death, like you they're they're gonna understand. Yeah. Like what oh, oh, sorry, we have a show. Tell your wife to hold it.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like or or well, I mean, you know, the ones that I've thought of where, you know, they've been out of town, she's gone into labor super early or super late.
SPEAKER_01But then they usually will like, okay, get home, but you're you're on your way home as best as you can. They're not just like, sorry, you can't go home, you have to finish this run.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. There's there's options available, they're not stuck.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I think that that's the idea as we get into that mind space, that there are options of ways to do this differently than maybe like this Pinterest perfect wedding and wedding planning season that we see online or in movies or things. And isn't it kind of like the perfect metaphor for starting a relationship or a marriage with a touring partner? Thinking about how do we create some consistency or some stability in the middle of something that's always going to be unpredictable. We can figure out how to think about different options, brainstorm, shift expectations, have open communication with your partner. Those are all the things we're building in a relationship together long term.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and as somebody who is planning a wedding with a touring, you know, spouse, it is possible. Yeah. As I look at my maid of honor, is eventually doing all the planning. It's possible, right? It's possible. Yeah, okay, great. We're doing great, we're doing so good. But the, you know, but there's, you know, I will say I don't know where this this question is located because again, every question on here is anonymous on purpose, because you know, you submitted these questions um for this podcast, but we're keeping all your information anonymous. But for this person, if you're in Nashville, there's a lot of options, like venues that do stuff like every day of the week, photographers who are super flexible, you know, there's just there's there's lots of options. So fear not, fret not. Yeah. And and I know that can be stressful, like just the idea of planning something a year out with an unpredictable schedule, with you know, all of the things, but you know, take it one step at a time.
SPEAKER_07Take a deep breath, and so we get our own heads in the right mind space. Like the flexibility is not a failure, it doesn't mean that we're doing doing it wrong. It's actually a strength that we have as to our wives, to our families, that we just get really comfortable with being flexible and brainstorming different options. And if you start your wedding planning in this headspace rather than maybe something a little more rigid, then I think the planning process feels different, which is kind of what the question is asking. How do we do it? We do it from a different headspace, and logistically you'll be able to figure things out together.
SPEAKER_01And right now, like there's a bunch of we have a lot of flexibility with like apps and different things. Like you can have a shared Pinterest board, you can like send him pick three options and just be like, A B C, which one do you like? And then you're including him in on that, and yeah, uh like with the with the creation of like all these different wedding apps and stuff, like it actually is it's not that bad. Take a deep breath.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, there's a lot of decisions that we've made across miles. Yeah, like I'm pretty sure I was in Sweden and you were like, Hey, which one? Uh-huh. And I was like, I'll get on the app. And like I did this, and yeah, it was it's yeah, it's totally possible.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like I think there's a we have an app set up for them right now, and they're like both filling out like the guest list and contact info in there, and like all these different things, like popping in the budget here and there. Like, it's just it's there's there's lots of options, and nowadays, like you don't have to have a giant physical binder, you know, you you can have a virtual one.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, but that's such a great reminder, too. It's like because these things are so accessible now, we can more simply hand over tasks to our partner, they can do it in the moments that they have free, just like we're doing it in the moments that we have free. So you can equally share the load of the planning or as equal as possible.
SPEAKER_01And depending on what their strength is. Like my husband is a master at Excel and like that kind of stuff. And so I'm just like, hey, babe, look what I have a list. Can you put this in something for me? And so, like, and he's just like, oh yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's the bane of our existence. It is. I hate I hate lists, I hate like all the nitty-gritty don't give me Excel spreadsheets.
SPEAKER_01No, I hate them so much, but like my man just goes crazy for him. And like, um, any audio guys listening, I had a like 30-minute dissertation last night on the DAD dad system he just got and put together and like talking about all these different things. Like, find something that they're into, like tech-wise. Like for our wedding, he was in control of navigating all the audio for the wedding. He was in control of setting all that up and like organizing the lighting and the DJ. And so, like anything tech related, I was like, here you go. Yeah, have fun.
SPEAKER_06Well, early congratulations to you, uh future stage fiance. Yeah, we're excited about this. Um, I'm gonna throw a random question at you. Yes, please. I'm curious, Sam, as we're closing out, is there anything that you have been learning in your season of stage wife life that you want to share before we close out?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, so my husband just came home from a tour. He was gone for basically six weeks. I saw him in between, and that was really wonderful. Um, but my kids are older now, and the experience was just different. Like there was a lot more heavy lifting as far as staying home, logistically, errands, groceries, all of that. But emotionally too with the kids. And so I kept asking myself, like, how is it that I'm coping with this? What am I doing? And people would ask me all the time, how are you doing? How are you feeling? And I'd just be like, I don't know. I don't know. And then my therapist brain is like, Are you not in touch with your emotions? Even if I sit down and talk with someone. And I think the more I let myself think on it, um, and this is just me personally, I used this coping skill of just dissociating a little bit, maybe a little bit more than a little bit, from the negative emotion or the negative feeling attached to what the season was. And for me, I think that that was really helpful because although I'm a therapist and I love to talk about feelings and do the exploration, I know what's gonna come of it when I do that with myself. I know I'm gonna be frustrated, I know I'm gonna be annoyed, I know I'm gonna be overwhelmed. And so it didn't serve me to spend a lot of time there in my mind. So I think that in this season, I have learned that I can be okay even if I'm a little bit disconnected. Um, if I'm like present for the things that are important, if I'm still connected in my relationships. I think that it's okay to just like give yourself a break from thinking about your feelings to death sometimes, and then just like circle back around. Like my husband has been home now five or six days, and I would think last, I think last night was the first time that we just like sat down. We're like, How are you? Tell me about your tour, tell me about what things were like when you were home. Like, let's really have that connection. And it took us five days to get there. He jumped right back into the household routine, but our connection just like needed a little bit of space to breathe. And I was like, Okay, I'm feeling less vigilant, I'm feeling less responsible for logistics and house things, and I am like ready and open to not just go there with him, but go there with myself. So that was new this tour, that I really like gave myself permission to just be a little bit disconnected with the intention that I'll come back around to it once things are feeling a little bit more grounded.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's a good reminder. Because it is a lot of work to like discover that in yourself and in your spouse, and you know, sometimes you're not able. Yeah, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, have grace with yourself, do the work.
SPEAKER_07My therapist, she helps me, she has helped me previously to like have some different categories of dissociating because we tend to think that that's like a negative word if we're doing that, we're doing something wrong. But she would help me like have some categories of how is it serving me? Is it like, am I really just trying to turn the lights off in my brain with this glass of wine and housewives? Yes, I am. Do I need something that's a little more rejuvenating? Like, should I sit down with my little craft or should I read the book or should I get the coffee with my friend? Um, would that rejuvenate me instead of just dissociate me? I think she's helped me put things in categories and then have some grace for whatever category it is. It's like the awareness of I'm doing this and this is why I'm doing this. Am I okay with that? Is that within the realm of my healthy behavior? Is it what I need? Um, all of it can be okay.
unknownI love.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's amazing.
SPEAKER_01I love it. That's something I I struggle with is giving myself the permission to be where I'm at, where I where I need to be in that moment. Because like there's been there there's been a lot, as you guys know, with like those of you who know the things that are happening behind the scenes, like we're getting ready to release our book soon, and there's a lot going on, and for me, my disassociating has been to pull up a game on my computer and just do some like little design stuff and like build little houses and literally just disassociate that way. But it like, but every I I've been having a hard time because I'm like, my body needs this, my body needs to just create and not have the pressure to do something outside of this little tiny thing, but I've felt guilty about it every time I do it. I need to be doing that, and then relaxation doesn't become relaxation anymore.
SPEAKER_07Right. I know once my husband comes home, I will come back to life. Like history has taught me in our relationship that when he's gone, I feel one way, and when he's here, I feel another. And so it's just those kinds of things in your mind with yourself. Like, what allows me to give myself some grace or to give myself permission to?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Um, I'm already starting to feel it like the weekend's coming, and we have some plans, and I'm just like, yes, we are back. Like we're back. I'm back, baby. Feeling more like myself, like the house hold stuff is just like running smooth, the kids are like laughing, he is finally rested, you know. It's just like, okay, I knew that this was coming, and whatever I did in the meantime was whatever I did in the meantime.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Well, we just adore you. Oh, same way about you guys. I I hate, I hate ending these podcasts with you. I just do, but it's fine. We're all fine. She'll be back, everyone saying that to myself as well. Um, but okay, Sam, so you are obviously an incredible therapist. Tell people where they can find you. Tell us about your practice, and we'll put links in the show notes.
SPEAKER_07But how can we find you? Yeah, you can go to my website, SamanthaBeretta.com, um, and all the information is on there. You can send me an email through the website. You can look me up on psychology today, Samantha Beretta. If you just type my name into Google, that's probably the simplest way to do it. Any of these things will show up. My website, my psychology today. Um, and if you reach out, just send an email. It goes directly to me. I do all my own admins. So if you want to reach out, just send an email, let me know what you're going through. Um, I love, love, love, love, love working with stage wives. I love working with touring couples. I love working with people in the music industry. Um, and as we talked about on here before, but as we all know, it can be so important to meet with someone who already knows the ins and outs of how our lives look different, how our relationships look different. And so please send me an email.
SPEAKER_06I would love to chat. Sam is also a group expert on our private Facebook group. So if you have any questions or I mean, I've done it too, where I'm just like, Sam can answer this and just like tag T. Yeah, to get her opinion. But we're just so grateful for you. Thank you. If you guys haven't yet, and this is the first time listening to this podcast, welcome. We are so, so glad you're here. But we would also love it if you would join our private Facebook group. We are Stagewives on Facebook. We also have an Instagram, a public Facebook group, and a TikTok that is just at StageWives. We also have a website if you guys want to stay connected with all the amazing things that we've got going on. It is www.stagewives.com. And there'll be a little pop-up. We will not sell you information. We will not uh be weird or creepy or spam your email. This is just to stay connected with all of the fun stuff we've got going on. Find out about when the book releases. We want you at the party that we're gonna have. So yeah, we would love to stay connected with you in that way. And we just adore you, stagewives. We cannot wait to do this again where we get to answer your questions with Sam because this has been so fruitful. At one point, I just kind of threw up my hands and was like, uh, this is just so needed. Like, yeah, we just we love hearing from you so much. And you, Sam, and also you are Stagewives, you're just amazing. You are tenacious, you are strong, you can do this even if it feels like you can't. Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And we hope that this episode and answering these questions reminded you that you're not crazy, you're experiencing the same thing as a lot of these other stagewives in the group, and you're not alone, you're not failing, and you know, it's a unique lifestyle, and it's okay to feel what you're feeling right now and just uh reach out. We're here for you. We built this for you.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and we are here always. So we love you, stage wives. Until next time on Offstage and On Duty. Bye. Bye.