Welcome to Off Stage and On Duty! We’re so glad you’re here. This podcast is a safe, and supportive space for women navigating life behind the scenes, especially those whose partners work in the music or touring industry.
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This week’s Backstage Huddle starts with a deleted podcast episode…and the four-day spiral of negative self-talk that followed.
When you’re the one holding down the house, the kids, the schedules, the emergencies, and a hundred decisions while your spouse is on the road, making a mistake can quickly turn from “I messed up” into “I am a mess.”
In this huddle, Rhyan gets practical about breaking that cycle: separating facts from the verdicts we place on ourselves, recognizing when accountability has turned into self-punishment, challenging the dreaded “I should have known better,” and learning how to move your brain out of the courtroom and back into problem-solving mode.
Plus, there’s a simple exercise to try this week the next time your inner voice starts turning against you.
Because you can take responsibility for a mistake without making the mistake your identity.
Hello everyone and welcome back to the Backstage Huddle. I'm your host, Rai. And ladies, what a week. This is how mine has been going. It started off with Ray and I recording an amazing offstage and on-duty podcast. We were both excited about it. We were both really proud of it. And then I deleted it along with a bunch of other files on my computer. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep. And I wish I could tell you that I handled that situation with grace, but I did not. I really, really struggled with negative self-talk over the next few days. And it wasn't just like, dang it, Ryan, you made a stupid mistake. It very quickly escalated into what's wrong with you? Why can't you do anything right? How could you be so stupid? And eventually the conversation wasn't even about me making a mistake, it was just about me. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. There's a difference between accountability and self-punishment. This is something I'm learning. Accountability says, I made a mistake, what needs to change? And self-punishment says, I made a mistake, what does this say about me? Those are completely different conversations. One produces information and the other produces shame. And sometimes we convince ourselves that being hard on ourselves makes sure that we don't make that same mistake again. But think about this. If your boss responded to every single mistake by calling you incompetent, irresponsible, stupid, do you think that would actually make you perform better? Probably not. You'd become anxious, you'd second guess yourself, you would hide mistakes, you'd stop taking risks, and you would constantly wait for the next thing to go wrong. And yet sometimes that's how we manage ourselves. And I think this can get particularly bad when you're the one holding everything. And this is definitely where touring life adds another layer. When your husband is gone and something goes wrong at home, there's not another adult to stand there and say, oh, babe, I got that. And when you've been functioning as the only adult physically present for a while, competence starts to feel like survival. So when you mess something up, your brain doesn't always register, oops, human error. Sometimes it registers, oh no, the person responsible for keeping this all together cannot be trusted. And suddenly a small mistake feels enormous. So here are a few things that I've been working on that might help you too. Number one, separate the event from the verdict. Here's a really simple exercise. Ask yourself what actually happened. Not what it means, not what it says about you, just the facts. For me, I accidentally deleted a lot of important documents off of my computer. That's the event. I'm irresponsible is a verdict. I always screw things up is a verdict. I should have known better, also a verdict. When you're spiraling, physically separate those two categories. Your brain can learn from facts, but it can't do anything useful with character assassination. Number two, cross-examine the word should. One phrase I caught myself using constantly was I should have. I should have backed it up. I should have checked. I should have known. I had a therapist one time tell me that you have to stop using the word should or else you'll get should all over the place. Sometimes should contains legitimate information, but sometimes we're judging our past selves using information that only became obvious after the mistake happened. So when you hear yourself say, I should have known, ask yourself, did I actually know then what I know now? If yes, okay, then own it. Maybe there's something gonna change. But if the answer is no, then you're demanding clairvoyance from yourself. That's not accountability. That's hindsight dressed up as wisdom. Number three, ask what is the next useful thought. This one helped me because sometimes replacing I'm such an idiot with I'm amazing and capable and everything is wonderful feels ridiculous. I don't believe that in the moment. So don't force yourself into positivity. Go for usefulness instead. Ask what is the next useful thought? Instead of spiraling, maybe it's I need to go to bed before I make this bigger than it is. I don't know how to solve this yet, but I can make a phone call. The goal isn't to make yourself feel wonderful. The goal is to get your brain out of the courtroom and into problem solving mode. Number four, give the mistake a job. Instead of asking, how could I have done this? Try, what is the mistake here to teach my system? Not me as a human being, my system. Maybe you need a checklist or to stop scheduling things when you're exhausted. Maybe you need to ask for help earlier or have a plan B. And that's a huge distinction. Sometimes we're trying to fix our character when what we actually need are just better systems. Number five, don't let one data point become an identity. Watch for words like always, never, everything, nothing. I always do this. But do you? I never get anything right. Really never. Everything is falling apart. Everything? Our brains love taking one painful data point and creating an all or nothing mindset around it. So make yourself provide evidence. If your brain says, I can't handle this, slow down and ask yourself, what have I handled in the last six months? And actually answer it. Because chances are, especially if you're living tour life, you've handled an unbelievable number of things that nobody has applauded you for. That doesn't mean you have to pretend and not be overwhelmed. It means overwhelmed isn't evidence of incapability. Number six, try third-person coaching. I do this one a lot. And it might feel strange, but there's research behind the general idea of creating psychological distance from our thoughts. Instead of what am I going to do? Use your own name. For me, it would be, okay, Ryan, what happened? Ryan, what part of this can you control? What does Ryan do next? It creates just enough distance between you and the emotion you're experiencing. You're no longer drowning inside the thought, you are looking at the situation. And sometimes that tiny bit of distance is enough to get your rational brain back online. Number seven, I need to practice this one more. Create a 24-hour rule for identity statements. Don't make conclusions about yourself while you're dysregulated. If you've just messed something up, if you're exhausted, if the kids are screaming, if he's a few states away, if you're embarrassed, if you're panicking, you're allowed to solve the problem. You are not allowed to decide who you are because of it. Handle the situation, sleep, eat something, drink some water, get your nervous system settled. Emergency meetings about your identity are canceled until further notice. Now, homework for this week. I want you to catch one sentence you say about yourself regularly when something goes wrong. Just one. Write it down exactly as your brain says it. Then underneath it, write three things. The fact, what objectively happened, the verdict, what am I making this mean about me? Three, the useful response. What actually needs to happen now? That's it. We're not pretending the mistake didn't matter. We're not letting ourselves off the hook. We're learning how to hold ourselves accountable without being cruel to ourselves. Because, ladies, some of us would never allow another person to speak to our best friend the way that we speak to ourselves. And if you're already carrying the house, the kids, the calendar, the decisions, the emergencies, the loneliness, and everything else that comes with this lifestyle. You cannot also be the bully living inside your own head. It's time to fight that voice. It's time to trade tear stains for bloodstains. You know what I'm saying? That was a little dark, but hopefully you get it. Put some gloves on, girl. Fight, fight back with love and facts. So this week, facts, not verdicts. Find the problem, take responsibility for what's yours, fix the systems where you can, then keep moving. Be kind to yourself this week. Take a deep breath. Take the time to evaluate your thought life and your situation and have grace for yourself. Love you dearly, Stagewife, and I will see you next time on the Backstage Huddle.
