Off Stage and On Duty
Welcome to Off Stage and On Duty! We’re so glad you’re here. This podcast is a safe, and supportive space for women navigating life behind the scenes, especially those whose partners work in the music or touring industry.
Off Stage and On Duty
The 10-Minute Marriage: Part One
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What happens when you love your spouse deeply, but their tour schedule leaves you with about ten minutes a day to actually talk?
In Part One of The 10-Minute Marriage, we’re getting into the difference between conversation and connection—and why talking to your spouse isn’t always the same thing as building intimacy.
We talk about making a marriage last in the middle of touring, packed schedules, exhaustion, kids, distance, and real life, especially when meaningful time together feels almost impossible to find. How do you stay connected when time is limited? How do you make ten minutes actually count? And how do you keep your marriage from becoming one more thing you’re simply trying to manage?
It’s funny, a little cheeky, incredibly honest, and packed with practical nuggets you can take into your own marriage—whether your spouse is on the road or simply life is moving a little too fast.
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Where's my husband? What is taking him so long to get home? Cause I'm never hello and welcome back to the Offstage and On-Duty podcast. I'm your host, Ray. And I'm your host, Ray.
SPEAKER_02And today we are singing very crappy renditions of Ray, our favorite singer. We love you, Ray. If you see this by our children's book for your crew.
SPEAKER_01Anyways, um, this episode is called the 10-minute marriage. And y'all can all probably guess where this is going because road life.
SPEAKER_02It's not a marriage that lasts 10 minutes because you guys decide leaving the Vegas chapel.
SPEAKER_01That's yeah, that's the wrong kind of 10 minutes. Not that's not what we're talking about. But it's those moments where you are literally trying to keep a marriage together, a relationship healthy with 10 minutes at a time per day, usually. And like at a time, I feel like is a stretch. It's usually like 10 minutes is generous. Yeah, it's like three minutes here, two minutes here. Hey, where's the diaper cream 24 hours later? It's in the left drawer. Thanks so much. You know what I mean? Like it's those moments of how do we keep a marriage together on the road?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's actually really funny. I'm like Hunter's in the middle of a 10-day, 12-day run, somewhere around there. And uh both of us are feeling that right now because I think I've probably gotten total 10 minutes of talk time with him over the last four days. So yeah.
SPEAKER_0110 minute marriage, man. And like literally, Benji's not even he's not doing a show. He's just in LA working. And it's the same. We've had like we talk at night, and he's like, Okay, baby, I'll talk to you later. And I'm always asleep before I remember to call him back. And like he talks to my our son more than you know, me, which I'm not mad about priorities, right?
SPEAKER_02But also, you know, Hunter with our daughter too on Marco Polo. Like, I get to chime in at the end. I'm like, hey, love you. Good night. Like I'm here too. Okay, bye. Okay, I gotta go to bed now, but cool, cool talking.
SPEAKER_01Bye. Like, it's just well, dude, it's weird because like we have texted, right? And we have FaceTimed and we've sent pictures and we've done the Marco Polo thing, but it still feels like we haven't actually talked. Like there's not actual connection happening. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02Even if you do get an extended amount of time with them on the phone, like some like it's very not to say shallow. Shallow doesn't feel like the right word, but it's it's just like so surface level because it has to be. Because like a lot of times I've talked to him, he has he's has his walkie going off at the same time. Yeah, you're hearing all of Loden happening, you're hearing all of soundcheck, like you just you don't get one-on-one time usually.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I mean it's like you said, surface level earlier, but it's even just like covering the basics. You alive, good, you alive, good. You all right? Yes, you all right, yes. Cool, like you know what I mean? Pulse check, pulse check. And of course, for those of you guys who are new to the podcast, Offstage and on duty is a wing of stagewives, a community group for women whose husbands are on the road, whether they be truck drivers or musicians or crew guys, audio engineers, lighting techs, band managers, tour bus drivers. If they tour and you are at home, this podcast is for you. So if you've just started listening and you're like, what the heck is going on? Now you know. What do you mean? Are they only get 10 minutes to talk to their husband a day? Yeah, why am I listening to a podcast about abused women right now? What is what is happening? A lot to us. We low-key volunteered for this, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02I knew what I signed up for. Yeah, I chose us. We did.
SPEAKER_01We did. We're so proud of our men.
SPEAKER_02I am very proud of it.
SPEAKER_01They're doing great. They're doing great. Proud of us too. Yeah. Hell yeah. Because we crush. Yeah. You know. We you know, you know, we do. We crush the game.
SPEAKER_02We do. I think I think in in getting to know the members of this group, it's been so eye-opening to see just how many different ways women can succeed in this role.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Because, like, you know, I have a very narrow, I mean all of us have a very narrow-minded view of what success looks like based on our experiences, our specific husband, our specific family, and to see that there's lots of different ways, like the amount of things that I've learned and like coping techniques, ways to communicate with your husband. Like when we talk to uh Sarah, Sarah Nino, yeah, look up that episode so good. Her dipping out of the house the minute husband gets home thing. I'm like, I need to try that. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like that was really great advice.
SPEAKER_02I know. So, so just welcome to the podcast. Welcome to Stagewives. If you are here and if this sounds similar to your lifestyle, we are here to help. Uh, we have a private Facebook group called We Are Stagewives. We are here on the podcast, and we also have Instagram and Facebook and TikTok at Stagewives. Woo!
SPEAKER_01Speaking of coping techniques, who cope? Well, I love a good cope. I love we love a good cope, but I feel like the big difference if you've read Atomic Habits, which I'm obsessed with that book, um, two degrees of change can completely change a flight pattern from LA to New York. And if a plane is flying at two degrees the wrong way, they're gonna land in not even the same state as they're supposed to be. And it's kind of the same way with our thought processes as well. Like, if you can change your thought processes of how you are thinking of your husband being gone, like I feel like a lot of us confuse communication with connection. And sometimes it's not the same thing. You know, especially when you are doing like the two seconds at a time pulse checks or, you know, the days where they're in a completely different time zone. They're touring in Australia and they're like a day and a half ahead or behind or whatever that is, and you can't even really talk because your 3 a.m. is there 9 a.m. and whatever. You know, it's just well, like you only have like a passing moment.
SPEAKER_02You're like two ships in the night, and so it feels like every ounce of communication that you do have is just like what's the Wi-Fi password? Or can you send me that uh one-time verification code? Um gets me every single time the amount of times I have to send those codes because it's not on his schedule. Or did you pay this bill? Like, yeah, the dog threw up. Yeah, the dog peed in the bed again. Yeah. But like, I feel like that is the majority of what we talk about though, because so much of it is just like, oh, I need this really quick. Let me just pop this in here. And it's so short and quick and task-oriented, you know? Like it's just it's like administration. Like, I know and I hate that. Yeah, like I feel like a secretary and trying to like manage the household and hate it. I do too. I don't like that.
SPEAKER_01We just need more, we just need more nudes in our life. You know what I mean? More n that yeah I said what I said. Nudes. Yeah. Oh, like nudes, okay. It like spice up, spice up your secretary life and just send your husband. I am the sexy secretary. I am the sexy secretary. Again, those little shifts in your mindset. Wasn't that helpful? More nudes. You went from being angry to being like, oh, oh, I can do this now. More nudes, everybody. I think that's great advice. I think so too. I and I think our husbands would agree that that's great advice.
SPEAKER_02Probably.
SPEAKER_01Just make sure we understand the cloud before we do that.
SPEAKER_02And where they'll be opening up those images, like if your husband's connected to a shared screen. Um or if they use their work computer to answer text messages.
SPEAKER_01That's happened to me before. Whoops.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, or if they're in monitor world and people can definitely see their phone behind like audience members are recording. That one's, I don't definitely saw a picture of my husband on side stage of the band. You couldn't see what was on, it was just a text thread, and I'm pretty sure it was probably my text thread. Yeah. But like it was, it was like you could see the messages back and forth, and I'm like, if I put a big old pick up there, like they're gonna see it. All those audience members that were recording would have definitely gotten a good view.
SPEAKER_01Sometimes for the plot though, you know?
SPEAKER_02I mean, it could it could help the band go more viral.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, risk it for the biscuit.
SPEAKER_02He's risking it for these biscuits.
SPEAKER_01Well, dude, speaking of intimacy, like, do you think that you've ever mistaken like frequent communication for intimacy? Very often. Well, dude, and that kind of makes sense for why we get so frustrated and feel like there's something wrong with us. Because if we think like intimacy is happening all the time, but it's actually just communication, then we're just like, why do I feel so separated from him? We talk all the time, there must be something wrong, and then you can't pinpoint why and blah blah blah blah blah.
SPEAKER_02Well, I think too, one of the things that I've noticed with Hunter and I is that him and I do feel very differently about what intimacy and quality time in general is, and that's something that we've like love languages, baby. Oh, yeah, gotta love the love languages. But like my love language is physical touch, uh, always has been probably words of affirmation. I knew it was coming, I was like, that's my baby. But in all reality, like his has always been quality time, has been really up there. But for him, quality time is defined differently for him than it is for me. And interesting, yeah. And so, like for him, and this used to be a big fight of ours back in the day because he would like, oh well, I just want to sit in the same room as you and we do our own stuff, and that's quality time. That's quality time for him, just being in the same room. For me, that's not quality time with you for me. I'm like, I have to have one-on-one conversation, it has to be like you and I actually like going on a date together, playing a game together, doing like we could be playing video games cuddling together. That would be that would count as quality time. That's fun. That one's good. I love playing Mario Kart with him. Like, that's fun. That's very fun. But like, but again, you're doing something together, but like, so so when both of us are bogged down in work and we're both doing our own work on the couch together or at the kitchen table together, but not really communicating, that does not count for quality time for me. Awesome that it does for him, but I think the same thing happens on the road because for him it's funny because it's the opposite. He wants to have actual full-out conversations and not like the checking in kind of touch bases when we're on the road. And then I get into more of a I pull away a little bit and I have more of a okay, here's the status update on this. Well, yeah, you're in survival mode. I'm in survival mode here, and so for me, like communication and remaining like intimate, not even like just sexual intimacy, but like just intimacy in terms of communication is really tough for me when he's on the road because I get into such a mode. I mean, I've I've been experiencing that even this weekend with you because my daughter's been sick. The house is a mess. I've got a million things going on. And so, like, I put blinders on. I'm like, okay, I have got five brain cells. I have one brain cell that needs to be dedicated to this task, one to this, and vice versa. And so I have to put the blinders on for my own mental clarity. But that gets tough when you're when you're balancing a relationship on the road.
SPEAKER_01Oh, well, and like one of our our points in in this podcast is like, what are some signs that you're emotionally drifting, even if you're talking every day? And that it's a weird differentiation for me because I'm like, am I emotionally drifting or am I in survival mode? Like, I don't know. I guess okay. Yeah, well, survival mode is okay, emotionally drifting is not, and I think that comes with time, at least it does for me. So, like, the longer that Benja's gone, the more I'm just like, okay, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks. And then you come to a point where you're like in survival mode, and then it is easier to just avoid talking because it's easier to just do the thing, have a task. I have done so many projects in my house while he's been gone. Like I've been sending a bunch of pictures to Ray of like furniture that I've rearranged or like things that I've built, and just like, ooh, what do we think about this? What do we think about this? I just started redoing our guest room for reasons, but also for no reason. Like it just there, why am I doing that? Because I'm trying to fill my time whenever he's gone. How you cope, I guess, differs from situation to situation and length of tour and all that stuff.
SPEAKER_02It also just depends on the person, too, because I'm very much a person that's very good at pressing pause on certain situations and not putting like a pause on people, but if I have to stop talking for a little while or stop texting for a little while, it is no sign that our friendship is failing. It's no sign that like I think less of you or whatever. It's just like in this moment, I'm like, hey, this is what I've got enough spoons for to be able to do. And then uh when we do have a chance to talk, everything goes right back to normal. Yeah, it's like unpause, we'll do a feeling just being an adult.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like everyone has to do that from time to time.
SPEAKER_02But I do think it's a good litmus test of like if you're emotionally drifting. So, like, if your husband comes back and you press play again, do you go back to the way things were? Or are you wanting to have that separation compartmentalization even when he is there?
SPEAKER_01Ooh, that's good.
SPEAKER_02Because like I have That's really good, not recently, but back in the back in the day, back in the dark times. Like dark times. Dark times back in the dark times. I definitely noticed that I would do that and I would compartmentalize and be like, oh, I'm in survival mode. It's okay if I don't text you, it's okay if I don't do this, whatever, blah blah blah blah blah. He comes back, and then while he's here, I'm like, this is a lot to handle right now, and I just need to, I want to be doing anything other. Like I want to stuff, yeah. Yeah, which was not healthy, but it was I got so comfortable in my compartmentalization that I then couldn't get out of that box afterwards when he came back, and I couldn't exit from that, so there was no proper play.
SPEAKER_01That's really good. Yeah, that's really good, right? That's a very good limit of sense because I feel like I probably did that, not probably, I think I did. Like it's hard to think back like 10 plus years, but with my ex, I feel like I did really fall in love with my alone time. And same, I was like, what do I do with this person who's back in my house? What do you mean I can't do whatever I want? Yeah, and that was before kids, obviously.
SPEAKER_02Well, and I think both both parties will fall into that because then it becomes a lot easier to like Yeah, that's really true. You know, I you know, the husband comes home and he's like just wants to go back out on the road again because he doesn't know what to do with himself when he is home. Yep, like he doesn't know how to talk. I don't know, I'm speaking to the the masses here, whatever your husbands do when that happens. Like if and there's a there's a healthy spot of like being able to still take time for yourself because we need breaks too. The husbands need breaks, everybody needs a break for sure.
SPEAKER_01I will say I was gonna make a joke, but then that was gonna be wildly insensitive because I've also been there as well. But if we are in that situation, ladies, of where you're emotionally drifted and he's emotionally drifted, it might be time to consider giving a call to somebody like Samboretta because I feel like I feel like for me at the time that would have helped a lot. So just for what it's worth, and you can ignore me if you want to, that's fine. That's fine. I'm just throwing out my two cents. I got two pinches. But, anyways, yeah, that's a really good limits test. I haven't thought about that before, right?
SPEAKER_02Uh I just and again, this is self-discovery in the middle of the podcast. Welcome! So, speaking of therapy, I think a common misconception of what communication looks like, like, okay, well, how do we fix this? What does this look like? What is what is communication on the road, like proper, non-just check-in, check-out communication look like? There's there's a misconception.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I feel like it'd be I feel like it would be an unrealistic expectation to solve your marital problems while he's on the road. Very good. Yeah, like and having those deep conversations is an unfair expectation on him and on you because as we know, they just physically don't have time. Like they just don't. I used to feel like that was a cop-out, but genuinely they they don't. Especially on like production side.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Too.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, production guys, techs, all of them, like they don't get a break.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I feel like the goal with that is not constant depth in your conversation. The goal is just to make sure that the relationship isn't becoming nothing but logistics, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02You don't want to be just roommates that check in, like, hey, who's got the rent this month? Hey, who's how are we splitting the utility bill? Like, that's just not like it can be helpful when you need to survive, but there does need to be some effort into trying to make sure that there's something past that.
SPEAKER_01Like you can start small with like, hey, how was your day? Did you get a chance to eat? You know, just like little questions like that. And then you can slowly drift into sexy secretary if you feel comfortable.
SPEAKER_02You know, you want to you want to know what my little small intro into communication is? What? That's always the same. Like he he knows that I'm wanting to connect more whenever I say this. Ooh, code words, that's a fun idea. Oh, that is a fun idea. Yeah. Anyways, continue. I send him an emoji of a teacup or a gif of tea spilling. Ooh. Because he knows to spill the tea. And so it it makes it fun because it feels like I'm a part of the camp. And so if there's anything going on that was interesting, or if a fan was crazy or if a fan was crazy, or if like if he had to yell at a stagehand for one reason or another, like uh he'll spill the tea and it makes me feel like I'm a part of the crew. Oh, I love that. Which is really fun.
SPEAKER_01That's a good idea. And uh and it that's a nice way to like ask him. Mm-hmm. That's cute.
SPEAKER_02More details about his day.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's really cute.
SPEAKER_02Uh yeah. And sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes it's just like sometimes he's just like, Man, I held in like the biggest poop because I couldn't poop on the bus. And so or or sometimes it's something huge of like, uh, yeah, they just had to fire our bus driver. But there's like so many different things that that could like lead into, which could be really fun. Yeah. And or like he'll send me a note emoji, like a little notepad. Oh, yeah, within just like a one-word note, and he'll like leave me little crumbs of information if something's happened. And so then it makes me excited to talk to him.
SPEAKER_01That's a you've done that with me a few times where you're just like notes for this event, polka dots, sandals, you know what I mean? And then she'll be like, oh yeah, and then it'll be cues, verbal cues for the story that she wanted to tell me. Exactly. And that's really good. Yeah, that's a good idea for everyone with ADD. That's a great idea.
SPEAKER_02But it that kind of stuff, like finding little ways to have tidbits of fun throughout there could be something that's like low-key, doesn't require a lot of effort. Yeah. Like, there's because there's a lot of times I don't have something to give. Like, I'm I'm at home taking care of my daughter, I'm cleaning up dog poop or whatever, or yeah, like doing all these other things that I'm like, I honestly don't want to talk about this because it's just gonna make me more miserable and sad or frustrated, overwhelmed.
SPEAKER_01I will say with the communication part of it, there is the teacup emoji side, and then there is at some point the pendulum, but usually we'll start here and it'll swing here, hopefully. But it's the I don't want to bother him trap of like the reason why communication feels so off is because you don't want to bother him. And I remember that I did this too because there were one too many times that they would get frustrated or they would get angry or they would get in the zone of like work talk. And like we just talked to a roadie the other day, whereas like his wife had to remind him, like, hey, crew mouth, crew mouth, bro. And he was like, Oh god, sorry. You know what I mean? Because when roadies are on the road, they are very to the point. They nine times out of ten are pretty crass, and so you know, it is hard for them also sometimes to switch that off. But there was one too many times for me where I felt like I was just too much or too much of a bother, and I would just stop texting altogether. And then that became an issue, and I'm like, well, you don't like it when I text. Well, that's not true because blah blah blah blah blah.
SPEAKER_02Yep, and then compounds, and a lot of times too. I think that trap happens if you guys are maybe not on even ground when they leave too. Yeah, because that's something I think Sam's talked about in previous episodes. You don't have to solve everything when he's on the road, but you also can talk about it still. Oh, for sure. Like you don't want to let whatever is building up shove it down, be like, oh, I don't feel like I can text about this because he's on the road. I don't feel like so. I'm gonna shove down all these emotions, and then he comes back, and then he's only here for 48 hours. And so and then I don't want to ruin the time that he's home, and so then I shove it down again, and then you just keep shoving it down, and then you're all compacted, and then you're dude.
SPEAKER_01It's so interesting because I feel like the road life is a spectrum to say the least. It almost feels like juxtaposing, but it can actually be. Something really beautiful and the spectrum of where we're at, it's like, well, sometimes she's a red, well, sometimes I'm a blue, sometimes uh Sarah is a purple, you know what I mean? Like, just depending on where you're at in your marriage, where you guys are at in your communication, and what you need in the moment is depending on how these conversations are gonna go on the road. But in the meantime, wherever you're at, that's why Stage Wives exists, is for the community and the camaraderie, and also for the communication for the women who have been there and want to talk about this and help heal in a healthy way. As we're talking about this, it's like, well, don't have therapy. Start small, be a sexy secretary, but also talk about the deep stuff. It's like, but which one? Yeah. You tell us which one? Where are you guys at? You know? I think the bottom line is to try. For sure.
SPEAKER_02To try something.
SPEAKER_01For sure.
SPEAKER_02And I think that's where where the emotional drifting happens is when you stop trying. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Well start. I'm laughing because we've been there. You know what I mean? Like it's not making light of it. It's just like we all know how that feels.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. Even even Tom Hanks talked to the volleyball. He did. Even he tried. He did. He tried. He tried. So for me, there's been a lot of times where I will kind of withhold information from him to not add stress to his day. 1000%. Um yeah. It's a something that I think a lot of us do. But one of the things that I withheld at one point was I was having like straight-up panic attacks. And he was not here. And like I was overwhelmed with work, and I was overwhelmed with my daughter, and I was overwhelmed with the dog.
SPEAKER_00Also a different dog.
SPEAKER_02Different dog than our current dog. Yeah. Um, our dog had been getting into habits of trying to attack my daughter and I. And um to the point where like I knew that Hunter couldn't do anything about it on the road.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_02And every time that I told him about it, he would stress and he would hold that in, and that would really affect his day. And but I so I ended up not sharing with him a lot of the times that that did happen because I was so worried about it ruining his day and about him not being able to do anything. And I would talk to her about it, I would talk to my parents about it, but I wouldn't talk to him. And so then when I did talk to him about it and I was sharing all these different times that it happened, he was like, Why didn't you tell me? And and so it ended up being where I shut him out of something that was very important, very crucial to our family and our family unit, unit, and safety and all of that. But I shut him out because I didn't want to hurt him. Yeah. And I knew that it was hurting him and I couldn't do anything to fix it. And so I was like, if he can't do anything to fix it and all I'm doing is hurting, then I'm just not gonna share.
SPEAKER_01Well, dude, and that's interesting because at what point do you how do you differentiate what you need to share with him now versus what can wait? But for me at least, the scale that I use is if I'm sad and I cannot let it go and it's affecting my day, I should probably tell him. But if it's like a buddy the elf thing where it's like, hey, I drew a picture of a unicorn today, butterflies, did you know that they can fly? You know what I mean? If it's like, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, love you, which I definitely do. But if it's one of those things of like something happened throughout the day and I completely forgot, which is not out of the ordinary because I forget a ton of things. If it's just, you know, I don't know, the amount of times that my dog vomited on the carpet or the amount of vomit, like our cat threw up probably seven times while he's been gone. I don't think I've told him about once. Cause I just keep it does it really matter, like it doesn't matter. I clean it up, it's over, it's done. And it's a cat, it's gonna happen. But if I'm letting it, if it bothers me or is really like weighing me down, like if I haven't heard from him, or if like something happened that just like ruined my day, you know, or like I'm having a really hard time with our son, like I'll let him know. Yeah, you know, and we'll talk about it at that point.
SPEAKER_02But and it does stink to feel like you're being a bother on them, like at least from for me, like when I text him and I say, like, hey, I'm having a really rough time right now. Like it, it like physically pains me to have to text him that because I want to put on these strong pants and say, like, I can do this. I don't, I don't need to admit how hard it is, but that's okay to do. And I think that you know, I especially back with the dog stuff, I should have been way more um upfront about the things that were happening when they were happening.
SPEAKER_01Well, dude, because at some point protecting him and his day is actually shutting him out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So that line is so thin, I just wouldn't even risk it. This is incredibly random. Have you ever seen the meme of like the old school classic film of the lady just walking in on her husband and then smacking the crap out of him? And then he wakes up and she's like, Oh my darling. I feel like that is quintessentially stage-wives, whenever we expect them to see our needs when they're not here. Does that make sense? If we're not saying them. Yeah, if we're not saying them out loud and communicating those things and like we're upset, is is almost like the that meme of just like, how dare you cheat on me in your dreams? Or like, yeah, how dare you not have empathy for my situation when we haven't communicated how hard this is, especially I feel like this is a thing for new moms because please, please keep in mind new mamas, they have never been a parent either. Yeah. So with them being on the road, they don't know, bless their hearts, how hard this is for you. They just don't know. They get to go back to their old life for a little bit while they're on the road of autonomy for like a hot minute. And you don't, and that sucks. And you're allowed to say that that sucks. It's a beautiful season, but postpartum brain does crazy things, and I'm praying that it's easy for you-ish, you know what I mean? That you're able to soak it up and be in the moment and like love on that little, but also like who after month four of you know waking up every three hours and doing the thing with this brand new human is freaking tough, especially when you're by yourself. And so, but again, they they don't know what they don't know, and if they're not there, they don't understand how hard it is. I think back in our Nikki episode, she mentioned that when Andrew would go on the road and he would be at home for a hot stint to take care of their little, that was his epiphanal moment of like, whoa, I did not realize that this was this hard. Yeah, that this was this hard.
SPEAKER_02Well, and I think too, during those times, you need to be able to say and have the comfortability to say that it's tough, but then also maybe preface it for their sake. Because I know my husband needs this of like saying, like, hey, I'm not asking you to come off the road, but I need to say that this is like super sucky right now, and this is what I'm going through because he and a lot of people that I know in the industry are fix-it men. Yes. So, like they would they hear a problem and then they're like, like multiple times I've talked about how hard it is, and he's like, Do I need to come off the road? And I'm like, No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. I just need you to listen. I just need to say it out loud to include you in my life. This is really tough. This is why, this is what I'm experiencing experiencing. I know there's nothing you can do to fix it, but please help me carry the load just a little bit. Even if it's just like emotionally for a hot second.
SPEAKER_01And I will say it does take a village. Yeah. So, ladies, if that's where we're at in life and you're listening to this and you're crying. One, we love you, we see you, but come be a part of Stagewives. If you can't communicate to him right now, communicate to us and like let's surround you. Like, I know that Ray, this was way before Stagewives was a thing, but Ray even put on Facebook one time that you know she was really struggling. That one lady brought her banana bread. Sammy. And then oh my god, Sammy! Yeah, that's why Sammy game into her life.
SPEAKER_02Love you, Sammy, if you're listening to this, miss you dearly.
SPEAKER_01Wow. Oh my gosh. And then full circle moment, because Sammy is like taking some pictures for us and she's just amazing.
SPEAKER_02She's an incredible photographer, just an awesome, awesome girl. Yeah. Um, so that's crazy. Yeah, so for that one, I was in a really tough position because my daughter was very sick for a long time. She had a very itty bitty bitty baby. And my postpartum was like insane. Both of our anxiety through the roof. Yeah. She couldn't get her son sick. My daughter was sick. I didn't know what to do. I was alone. I couldn't, couldn't really even like she was sick enough that I couldn't leave the house for some reason. I don't even remember what it was because it was a while ago. That's right. And if any of you know me, you know that that is my worst nightmare. Um so I couldn't leave the house. Yeah. And so I put it on Facebook or something of like saying, remember.
SPEAKER_01I think you just literally communicated how hard this was. And you're like, I don't know what I need. I just know I need help. Like, and so one family came and like helped brought chicken noodle soup. Yep. Chicken noodle soup. Yep, and then Sammy came over with banana bread. But just expressing your needs to other women, you'll be surprised.
SPEAKER_02And I was like one of the hardest things I've ever done, just speaking that out loud. I am so bad about asking for help.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I'm terrible. Me too. We both are. Yeah. Like you and uh Heather are mind readers, and that's the only reason why I survived like through my divorce and all that fun stuff. Because it just like, yeah, y'all would show up when I'm just like crumpled on the floor, and I'm like, how did you know?
SPEAKER_02I think that's again, that's the village needs to happen. And like if they're pleading if they're not there to talk about it or fix it, there is someone who can be there. So you just need to find your rye. Oh. Rye or die.
SPEAKER_01To be real, we just debated about cutting this out because we don't like it, but it's so true. So we're gonna say it out loud anyways. I know, I don't want to ew, but like, mmm, okay. This next part is called Stop Giving Your Spouse the Leftovers, which feels very anti-feminist. Um, everything in my body is like, but it is true because sometimes the kids get the patience, work gets the professionalism, friends get the enthusiasm. School gets our helpful voice, social media gets our funny version, and then when our husbands call at 10:45 at night, they get the mm-hmm. No, I'm good. Everything's fine. I'm just tired. I don't like this because I do it.
SPEAKER_02I know saying though, dude. I say I hate it though. I don't know what to say about all this because I do feel like by the end of the day, there's nothing left. Yeah. You know, a lot of times after I get my daughter to bed and get her ready for school the next day and do all the dishes and clean up and clean up dinner and try to get the house in order for the next day, by the time that comes around, I have nothing left. Yeah, seriously, same. Like I have nothing left.
SPEAKER_01And like, let's be clear like this is not about performing or like putting on a happy face for your spouse. But if marriage continually receives the whatever scraps remain, then that means that eventually our relationship is starving, which sucks. Oh, I know. I don't like that either. Iron sharpens iron dew, this is why we're here. Yeah, we are here to grow. And it's better, it's like that means hearing hard crap.
SPEAKER_02They're not here, so it's easy for them to be the last one to get a slice. Yeah. And like, I don't know what to do about that, to be honest.
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah, I mean, dude, I feel like we've already kind of covered some of the of the things of like leaving little notes, giving like the little tea emoji. Like, if you do have a funny moment that you see on social media, send it to your spouse. You know what I mean? Instead of compartmentalizing so hard that you are just existing throughout the day, and then you're like, oh yeah, I should uh call them or whatever. I feel like it's the little micro steps of including them throughout the day.
SPEAKER_02You're right, because with the real with like reels and instant and TikTok and stuff, obviously like we have TikTok time when he does come home and so TikTok time, TikTok time, and we'll like we'll we'll literally make tea and sit in bed and have TikTok time cuddling and just looking at each other's TikToks. And our TikTok saves are literally only for each other. That's pretty much it. I love it, and it's really sweet. And then, like, uh, we also I just recently it was really funny, he was getting really tired of I manage like a million social media accounts, it feels like Ryan knows this, and so I made a group chat of Hunter, and I called it Hunter and the Rays, and it's literally Hunter and all of my social media accounts. So whichever account I'm on, if I happen to be scrolling and find something that he'll like, it'll send it to that group so that he doesn't have to go through all the different group chats, and uh, but like little things like that make a difference in not giving him the scraps, giving him, you know, and including him in, including him in the conversation, including what you're going in, even if it's not pleasant.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So on that note, guys, we've covered a lot right now. Like we've covered a lot in this episode, and it's very steak-ish, you know what I mean? Like it's really heavy meats, like it's a lot to chew, it's a lot to savor, it's a lot to like break in. I'm not either. So, what we're gonna do is cut this episode into two parts, and we will see you on the next episode, which you will definitely want to tune in for. Um because we're covering sex and physical intimacy when apart. Ooh.
SPEAKER_02So let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me.
SPEAKER_01Anyways, we love you guys. Thank you so much for listening to part one of the 10-minute marriage on off stage and on duty. We love y'all so, so much. Go follow us on social media at Stagewives on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. Join our private Facebook at We Are Stagewives. And just as a reminder, everybody, uh, we have a website called www.stagewives.com. And on there you can find merch, including, not excluded to, but most importantly, our children's book. And uh she is. Yep. She's beautiful. I know, dude. It's gonna make a great holiday gift, it's gonna make a great just connection tool for your kids, and we're thrilled that it's finally out. So if you haven't gotten your copy yet, go snag one. And we will see you next time on off stage and on duty. Yeah, let's go. Woo!