19. Liking Yourself (and Why it Matters)

In this episode we discuss the importance of liking one’s self and how doing so can support our overall health. Chloe will walk you through a few points to assess where you stand in relationship with yourself currently, and then provide practices you can adopt to begin improving that relationship.

To check out the article mentioned in the episode about studies on the benefits of self-love, visit https://health.clevelandclinic.org/self-love 

Be sure to follow me on Instagram @chloe.being.human for updates and fun between episodes! 

Transcript

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Hello, welcome back to Creator Putty. My name is Chloe, and I'm glad to have you back at the round table. I feel like this podcast has turned into like a little Scooby snack that I just drop in your feed every now and then rather than like a consistent schedule. And honestly, I kind of love that because I'm following the intuitive and creative and inspirational flow when it meets me and not really forcing it to be anything outside of that. It's a creative outlet. That's part of why it's named Creator Putty. Um, and so yeah, I love sharing those little things as we go because part of this space for me is just to be open about mental health and to destigmatize the conversation around that. And so today we are going to be talking about a little bit of mental health, a little bit of spiritual health. And the topic is that one of the most spiritual things that you can do is learn to like yourself. And we're going to talk about some of the really grounded and realistic ways that you can learn to like yourself. So let's get into it. Welcome to Creator Putty, a space where the invitation is always open to call upon the higher power that breathes you and remember that there is strength in surrender. Now let's go explore the expanses of consciousness. Done a lot of self-education on my own, but do with that information what you will. As I said in the beginning of the episode, I treat this podcast like a round table. So everything that I present is really food for thought. And I highly recommend carving out a little bit of time and space for you to reflect and chew on this information so that you can really kind of figure out uh what fits and what resonates for you. So, first things first, I want to talk about why it is even important to like yourself. I think that there are the obvious reasons, like, yeah, that's good, but can we go deeper than skin level on that? I was looking at Clevelandclinic.org and I read this whole article. I'll link that in the show notes if you are interested in learning more. But it cites two different studies that essentially show how practicing self-compassion actually improves not only our physical health, but it can decrease our psychological distress as well. Now, I feel that those two things go completely hand in hand. If our psychological distress is lower, then we have more capacity to find resonance and harmony within our bodies and increase our physical health. Now, again, I'll link that if you want to go and check out more on that. And as you know, I love the intersection of science and spirituality. So why is it spiritual to like yourself? There are so many spiritual traditions that speak on self-love, but just to name a few: Christianity, Buddhism, Sufism, New Age ideas. And I love to find, especially after stepping outside of religion, what I love is looking at for the through line that runs through all of these things because I find that that's kind of where the truth lies. There are so many different interpretations. But essentially the through line in all of these faith traditions is that uh we recognize that each human life has inherent meaning and value simply due to its existence. So if you are here, if you are alive, if you are living and breathing, you have equal inherent value and worthiness as the people you love, as complete strangers, all of that. Okay, so a couple of quotes from some prominent religious figures or faith figures. Jesus is quoted saying, Love thy neighbor as thyself. Buddha says, You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Love and affection, both the feeling of love and the action of affection. And the Dalai Lama is quoted saying, Happy people build their inner world, unhappy people blame their outer world. That one I love, but essentially a rich inner world radiates, it radiates out. You can see it on a person's energy, on a person's face, in the feeling of their presence when you're around them. They speak about the things that they're excited about, the blessings that have come in for them, the positive attributes that they notice in circumstances and people around them. And on the flip side of that coin, a scarce inner world creates a vacuum. Now, what I mean by that is if you've ever been around somebody that, not just someone that's like normally chilling, but they're having a bad day, but somebody that is constantly just stuck and fixated and focused on the negative and blaming, again, like Dalai Lama says, the outer world, victimizing themselves within their human experience, it creates a little bit of a vortex. And if you are sensitive or empathetic to other people's energy, it's easy to get sucked into that. Aristotle has been quoted saying, nature abores a vacuum because in nature, empty space is immediately filled with new material. And what's cool about being human is that we are an intelligent and sentient race, and we are able to use our awareness to dictate and um co-create with the powers that be the reality that we are living in. And that's pretty exciting. So I think that it starts with if we're able to like ourselves, wonderful things are going to radiate out from us and we're going to bless other people because we're going to be a shining light, an example. So, what are some of the ways that we can start to assess where our relationship lies with ourselves? Here is a list that I kind of came up with on my own. The first thing I thought of was hygiene. How often are we tending to our hygienic care? Our hair, our skin, our teeth, our cleanliness of our clothes, our bedding, cleaning up the environment that we live in to make sure that our standard of living is hygienic and supportive of our mental and physical health. Next up would be our habits. So are we intentional and mindful as we move through our day and consume food and drink and media, or are we kind of on autopilot and a little bit mindless and just going through motions because they are familiar? Another one is relationships and boundaries. Obviously, this is a heavier hitting one and the most complex that I've brought up so far. How we speak to and about others can be a reflection of our relationship to self. A quote that I heard, I don't even know when, that always stands out in my mind is that when we notice something in somebody else, it's because some version of that exists within ourselves. Whether that is something that we are actively working on, something that we are not proud of, something that we have overcome. And so we maybe judge other people that they haven't done the same thing. And how we allow ourselves to be treated, I think could be a part of this as well. So to kind of go further into the relationships and boundaries part of that, every adult still carries within them their child self. So if you think of your body, your energetic field as a container, you are still the same container that housed the five-year-old version of you, the eight-year-old version of you, the 12-year-old version of you, and so on and so forth. You've grown and continued to collect experiences and expand your horizons, but that version of you is still in there. Psychologically, children often display their quote worst behavior for the people that they feel safest around. And I'm gonna challenge that we don't really outgrow that. As I've spoken about before, I'm a mom, I have a five-year-old son. And one thing that I am realizing is that when he is what I would call under-resourced, when he is hungry and doesn't have enough fuel in the tank, when he is tired and his brain is not well rested, obviously those are the times that behavioral challenges are going to spike. And because I am his mom, he's most comfortable around me because he knows that I will receive him with grace and kindness. And that does not mean that we allow our children or our loved ones to mistreat us just because we understand what is going on with them. It's still important to set and hold those boundaries so that we begin to teach other people how to treat us. Now, obviously, if you're a parent, you're also developing the character of this little life that you brought into the world. And that's kind of a separate discussion. So I'm not going to go down the parenting rabbit hole with this, but to move on to another point on the same topic of relationships and boundaries. Sometimes a person can be incredibly kind and outgoing with strangers or like people at work and their outer circle, but then they struggle with control and emotional coldness or distance at home. And I think this is more common than we think because maybe we were raised culturally, societally, within family to put our best foot forward. We learn how to use these masks and to become likable and how to fit in. But then we go back home, where again, we kind of go back into our little turtle shell and we feel comfortable. And that's when our true feelings start to come out. Now, this isn't wrong or bad. This is actually it's biological. Again, when we feel relaxed and comfortable, that's when those emotions kind of start to surface. And if we don't have the tools to express them in a healthy way, sometimes that can splash out in ways that we later don't really feel very proud of. And that can damage our relationship to ourselves if we're not proud of the way that we behave. So the opposite can also be true. And I would say that this does usually stem from the environment that we grow up in, but maybe let's say that we didn't get out a lot. And so the outside world feels scary or unsafe or unpredictable. And so you may feel more comfortable in your bubble and be really goofy and silly behind closed doors or with people that you know, and then you get to a social function and you're like a wallflower, you don't want to communicate with anybody. So it's different for every person. So if we allow others to mistreat us, that can be an indicator of low self-worth or maybe not liking oneself because maybe we think that we deserve it. Maybe we feel like we're doing a service to the other person to let them treat us like a punching bag and we feel like we have the capacity to carry it. That can be a really slippery slope because that can really be a road to resentment in relationships. And so we can shrink our emotions or our needs to quote, keep the peace. And I don't mean to make this like a religious thing at all, but again, science, spirituality, Jesus is quoted saying, Blessed are the peacemakers, not the peacekeepers, the peacemakers. Sometimes conflict makes way for peace. Let this be a reminder to you that it's okay to uphold boundaries, to set and hold boundaries. And this is coming straight from the mouth of a people pleaser in recovery here. Hi, hello, I'm Chloe. Nice to meet you. Um, sometimes you have to stand up and be willing to go head to head, toe-to-toe with somebody. And that doesn't mean getting ugly and having a nasty knockdown, drag out fight, but just to draw a line in the sand and say, this is where I stand and I feel firmly about this, whether it's the way that somebody treats you or the things that people allow in their lives that you just don't jive with. And it's okay to set and hold those boundaries because that is actually an indicator of self-respect. And at the end of the day, I think something that's important to remember, just like I said before, you are the same container that housed the five, eight, 12, 15, 21-year-old version of yourself. You are the only person that you are going to spend your whole life with. I'm gonna say it again. You are the only person that you are going to spend your whole life with. When you're a little kid, you feel like your childhood is gonna last forever, that mom and dad are always gonna be there, that your siblings are always going to be as involved in your life as they always are. And then you grow up and you get this separation, right? You go out, you leave the house, you start whatever it is, and then you really start to miss those things that you thought were annoying, right? Or you get into a relationship and God forbid that relationship ends that you thought was going to last forever. Now you're dealing with the grief of that, but still carrying forward that experience. You are the only common denominator of all of these experiences. You are the only person that you are going to spend your whole entire life with, every waking minute of every day. And so it's important to cultivate, again, a rich inner world and a good relationship to yourself because this is the only life that you're gonna get as this person. Now, to move toward conclusion of the episode and provide what I said I would in the beginning of this episode, I want to talk about ways that we can build a practice of self-love after we've kind of assessed where we are with ourselves. So, first of all, adopt the understanding that there are going to be natural ebbs and flows and that we need both of them. It's not comfortable to be in the ebbs or the lows, but those are what catalyze change and action. If we don't have those lows, then we're gonna continue coasting on in the same mindset forever. The point is to grow and to again expand our container for joy and this life, you know, in general. So the flows or the highs, they put wins in our mental portfolio so that we can reflect on those and know what we're capable of in the times of doubt. They give us that feeling of I did it before, so I know I can do it again. I know what I am capable of. So again, adopt that understanding that there are going to be natural ebbs and flows. There are going to be times that you feel down on yourself. And it's okay to recognize that, understand that, meet it with grace and self-compassion. And then during those highs, it's okay to celebrate yourself and to feel kind of good and not feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop or this feels too good to be true. Embrace the highs, embrace the lows, and gain that understanding that both are important for us. And in terms of practices, here are a couple that I've written down. And you can practice these, add to the list, write them down, put them in a note in your phone and come back to them, share them with a friend, send this episode to them. I would love that. Number one. Number one is to decrease stimulation. This is one of my favorite things to do when I am able to do so. I will close all the blinds and curtains in my house, make it a little bit dark, turn off the screens, the music, the noise, put my phone on focus mode. Um, decreasing screen time is a really great way to just turn off that mental noise so that you can actually start to kind of feel what's under the surface. Don't feel bad about putting your phone on do not disturb during the daytime. I think it's commonplace to do it at night when we're sleeping. But if you need a little bit of space during the day, just remember it's not urgent unless there's a pressing emergency. People can wait a little bit for your reply. Again, as a recovering people pleaser, that one has been hard for me to let sink in, but it's okay. Give yourself some time. Number two is to create and adopt a movement practice if you don't already have one. You know that I am a big proponent of going for a little walk to boost your mental health, get that blood pumping, sweat out those toxins, and it'll really help your energy body as well to just start to circulate things a little bit better, and you'll feel the benefits of that throughout the rest of your day as well. If walking isn't your bag, then maybe stretch, go play with your dog, play with your kid, do something that allows you to move your body. Number three is practice pausing. I touched on this with decreasing stimulation, but this is more to bring mindfulness into our day-to-day lives. So before you complete a task, before you engage in a habit, before you respond to somebody when you're having an interaction, just kind of pause and check in. Am I responding from a place of mindful intention, or am I just kind of on autopilot, telling the other person what they want to hear, waiting to respond rather than really listening? Number four, create. So create art, create music, cook your favorite meal or bake, write something. Anything that is going to be a creative expression is a really great way to actually process and feel our emotions without having that spotlight of having to talk or intellectualize our feelings. Number five is somatic practices, and this goes along with movement. But if moving your body is not viable for you, if you have chronic pain, if you have some sort of illness or injury that prevents you from being able to do larger movement practices, there are still things available to you, such as breath work, which I've spoken about before. You can find guided practices on YouTube, on different streaming services. You can also start working with your own energy. You don't need to be certified in Reiki or any other kind of energy practice. But if you're interested in learning more about your energy body and the seven energy centers or chakras that are mainly known, go back and listen to my seven-part series on the chakras, and I'll give you tips and tricks on how to start working with your energy. A really simple way to do this is just to sit or lie down, close your eyes, become aware of the sensations that are in your body and follow those. If you have a knot in your stomach, a lump in your throat, tension behind your eyes, take your hands and just place them there. Imagine light coming from the palms of your hands and just soaking in and dissipating whatever aches, pains, or tension you're feeling. And the more that you do this, the more that it will build on itself and you'll really begin to feel the effects of that and it'll become an intuitive practice, which is wonderful. Number six is serve or give. There are so many ways to do this, but I find that when we are feeling really low on ourselves, if we do have the energy to serve or give of ourselves, it can really be a mood booster for us because we are seeing how we can make an impact on the greater good. So give of your time, go and volunteer somewhere, give a handmade gift, reach out to somebody that you know is struggling or maybe they just have a little bit extra on their plate, someone that just had a baby, someone that just experienced a loss, or someone that you know is just a busybody all the time, reach out and ask them, how can I lighten your load today? And lastly, make a list of the things that you love. Now, this is something that you will want to reference back to. So write it down, tape it on the wall in your closet, put it in a note on your phone that's easy to reaccess at any time so that when you do find yourself feeling low, you can go back and see the That, like for me, some of the things on that list would be a good cozy blanket in a cold room, comfort shows, comedy, my favorite snacks, playing with my kid, dancing, doing something with my husband, right? So find those things that are both low effort and maybe medium and high effort so that you have resources to pull from when you yourself are feeling under-resourced. So those are my seven practices following our check-in with self to assess our relationship to ourself. I hope that this gave you some really good food for thought and applicable practices to improve that relationship to yourself, because at the end of the day, you are the only person you're going to spend the rest of your life with and you are worthy and deserving of enjoying this experience. No matter where you've been, no matter what you've done, no matter what you've come through, you can make a fresh start. You have the power to do that. So thank you for pulling up your seat at the round table this week. I look forward to chatting with you again soon. And until then, go follow me over on Instagram if you feel so inclined at Chloe.being.human. I'm just kind of figuring things out over there, sharing whatever it is that comes up. I did do a poll on Instagram stories and was surprised and delighted to see that people are actually interested in hearing more about my work with spirit. So I'll be talking a little bit more about that coming up soon. And until then, have a wonderful rest of your week. See good, be good. I'll chat with you soon.