21. The Freedom of Letting People Be Where They Are

In this episode we go speak right to the heart of anyone who has or does struggle with people pleasing or the pain of feeling like they aren’t understood. Being okay with discomfort and pain is a skill, and that means it’s something you can learn and practice. Let’s talk about it! 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to the round table of Creator Putty. My name is Chloe, and I'm glad that you pulled your seat up today. I am really looking forward to today's topic. We're going to be talking about one of the most loving things that we can learn to do is leave people where they are. We'll talk about what that means, what it does not mean, and how to go about it because it's one of those things that is maybe easier said than done. So without further ado, let's get into it. Welcome to Creator Putty, a space where the invitation is always open to call upon the higher power that breathes you and remember that there is strength in surrender. Now let's go explore the expanses of consciousness. This is not a surprise to my husband, but you know, I think that we sometimes think that we have things under control. And then we just have this moment of clarity where we're like, yeah, I'm gonna be honest with myself. That was my moment last night, and I was like, look, my time management definitely could use um a little bit of an upgrade. And he just went to a business conference for business growth and expansion last week. And so he's all lit up and inspired, and it's rubbing off on me in all the right ways. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna follow his lead. I'm gonna go get a planner, I'm gonna figure out a more organized and constructed flow. And so yeah, uh, I'm working on it. Always a work in progress and happy to be such. But anyway, um, so today we are talking about how one of the most loving things we can do is learn to leave people where they are. This is something that, as an eldest daughter, firstborn um overachiever, recovering people pleaser has been hard-earned for me. And so what I don't want this episode to come off as is that I have it all figured out. Like I said, work in progress, happy to be such. Um, but these are definitely some things that I have learned and started applying. It does get easier as you go. So, you know, you do something one time and then it kind of teaches yourself, puts it in the catalog of your brain. Oh yeah, I can do that. And then it gets easier the next time. So let's dive into it. So, what if the most loving thing you could do for someone is leave them where they are? Right? Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is stop trying to fix someone. And that's hard, especially when you love someone, care about someone, you see what you think is best for them, and maybe they have other plans, or they're just not in a place to make those kind of decisions. What do you do? Right. So we'll be talking about things like personal responsibility, releasing the need for approval when making your own choices. And this is not about abandoning people, it's about emotional maturity at the end of the day. So back in November of 2023 is when I first took my Reiki level one course. And one of the things that really stood out to me about my teacher Stephanie when she was presenting is that she gave us this idea. She talked about not taking on the suffering of another person. And she kind of explained it as if like we're all carrying suitcases, one in each hand. And in each suitcase is the collection of whatever we're carrying from the past, from the present. And she was just saying that essentially our hands are always full. So when you sit with someone that you care about, a complete stranger, anybody, and they're opening up their suitcase and showing you what's inside, it's not going to be beneficial to you or to them for you to take that off of their hands because now you've got more than you can carry, and their load became lighter, but it also kind of stopped them from being able to figure it out on their own. And that's something that just completely blew my mind wide open in the best way. So, what does it really mean to leave people where they are? And why might that be one of the most loving things you ever do? I think a hard truth is that waiting to be rescued keeps you powerless. And I kind of touched on this in a few episodes back. I was talking a little bit about like my religious deconstruction and realizing that the idea of salvation ultimately still came down to a person's choice to be saved, right? If we're talking about like Christianity. But again, it all comes down to a choice, this um power that we hold to make the choice to be saved or to do the right thing. It belongs to us. And blaming other people is another thing that can also keep you stuck. It's another way of giving away your power because you're blaming somebody else instead of taking responsibility for the way that you respond to whatever circumstances are in front of you. So I'll speak for myself in saying that the moment I stopped waiting for someone to show up differently, my whole world changed. And while maintaining the privacy of certain circumstances and people in my life, I realized eventually that if I just set aside this ideal view of the way that this person might show up for me, or the way that this person might change their perspective and finally see things the way that I did, everything would be okay. And instead realized things are the way they are, and I can either accept that or I can continue on in my suffering in wishing it was any other way. So that leads me to the savior complex. And this works in both ways, both in the giving and the receiving of saviorhood. Um so when we love and care for people, like I said, it's natural to want to wake them up or have them see things the way that you do. And this can show up in a lot of different ways. So giving advice when maybe it wasn't asked for. And I think in a lot of cases that can come across as uh for on the receiving end, that maybe the person giving that unsolicited advice perceives a lack in you that whether or not is an accurate um assessment can still feel kind of like a ding. So giving advice that wasn't asked for, kind of distasteful, trying to speed up someone's healing. And that can be about anything big or small, trying to rush people out of their healing process or their discomfort, whatever that may look like for them. It can show up in overfunctioning for other people, or another way to say that would be overcompensating, right? Carrying a heavier load than what is sustainable for you long term to lighten the load on someone else to make it easier for them to love you or to show up for you instead of just letting them love you as you are. And this kind of goes hand in hand with the last one. But another way that I came up with that can show up is overexplaining yourself or your growth. Again, wanting people so badly to see you that you're trying to explain it to them and maybe they're just not getting it. So you try to explain it another way, and ultimately that doesn't do anything but lead to frustration, probably on both parties, but definitely on your own. So I guess I just kind of had again this realization through therapy, through time, that people change when they are ready, not necessarily when we are ready for them to. And that is a hard truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. I think it's important to dive a little bit deeper into the why we do this, because I think everyone does it or has done it. And sometimes it's like despite yourself. It's like, why can't I stop myself from doing this? And if we're stuck in, like I said before, that blame shifting where it's always somebody else's fault or you're always reacting to whatever somebody else put on you, then we're avoiding the responsibility that we carry. So why do we do this? I think part of it in trying to save other people makes us feel needed. And as a human, that can feel really good. It can also help us avoid our own discomfort. There's a saying that goes, people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. That's another one of those things that like shifted, altered my brain chemistry when I heard that. Because how can I expect someone to hold space for me on something that's really difficult if I have observed a pattern in them where they deflect, suppress, or avoid their own discomfort? And lastly, it creates control. And I'm not necessarily talking talking about like the white knuckling kind of control. I mean, yes, that too, trying to control an outcome, but control also means predictability and comfort. So, again, another way to avoid the icky stuff. When you try to save someone from their lesson, honestly, what we're really doing is delaying their growth. So let's talk more about like the shift, right? How do we shift from trying to save other people and being in the savior complex or giving away our own power, waiting for somebody else to save us, to supporting other people and allowing us to be supported. There's a really big felt difference between supporting and saving. And that's what I want to highlight here. So, first, let's talk about what the shift is not about. Okay. What I'm not suggesting is abandoning people and avoiding people, block, delete, get out of my hair kind of thing. I'm not talking about dismissing the pain that we see in other people. And I'm not talking about avoiding accountability for harm that you have caused. Now, side note caveat to that is intention versus impact. It's come up a couple of times in podcasts I've listened to in the last week, and it's been food for thought for me, where sometimes best intentions can still lead to hurt feelings in other people. So, again, we're not looking to avoid accountability for the harm that we've caused. And we need to be able to have that discernment of our intention versus our impact. Now, what does it mean to shift from saving to supporting or being saved to allowing ourselves to be supported? This means allowing people the right to their own timeline and allowing yourself to your right to your own timeline. There's uh something that I heard someone say, I wish I could remember who it was, that I have used in conversation with someone in my life is don't rush my healing. You know, I'm not someone that's gonna try and sit and milk it forever and ever. But when I'm in my junk, when I'm in my feelings, I definitely want to take the time to feel it all the way to the end, to let it express itself all the way out. Because that's another thing that I learned when I took those Reiki courses is imagine your body, your physical vessel, like a can of soda. And the pressure is just gonna continue to build, right? So you have an argument with a sibling, right? The can gets dropped. Well, what happens to a can when it gets dropped and you open it up? It's gonna explode, right? But let's not stop there. You have this disagreement with your sibling, you go to work, you miss a deadline or an email or whatever that was supposed to happen that day, and all of a sudden that can that was dropped now gets kicked across the floor. The pressure is building. How do we actually release that pressure if we never take the time to open the pressure relief valve? So, again, it does mean allowing people and yourself the right to your own or their own timeline. It also means not forcing awareness on someone. So I have kind of a story on this. My five-year-old, this last week when my husband was at the business conference, I took him with my mom and her husband to the science center. And I was really excited. I was looking forward to it. And we got there, and it was just overwhelming for a handful of different reasons for my son. And the first exhibit that we walked up to was the human body. And they've got this giant, like full-sized wall display of what the layers of skin look like beneath the skin, right? Like from the hair to the skin to the cells that lie beneath. And it's just this giant display, and it looks very scientific. And it scared him. And I realized in that moment, I told my mom, he's never been this aware of what's going on inside of his own body. It was like too much awareness all at once. So we're not looking to force awareness on someone before they have the capacity to hold that awareness. And finally, it does mean not managing other people's emotions. Remember how earlier I said that I was a recovering people pleaser, eldest daughter, firstborn child, all the things, right? This perfect little cocktail of wanting to be little misput together, got it all under control, and I can help you control you too. Yeah. That part of me has really struggled with this journey, but also it makes the reward or like the payoff as I start to see these things in action in my own life that much sweeter. Um, because there's like a piece inside of me that I never knew I was missing until I found that. And once you feel that kind of peace that you never knew you were missing, you never want to let go of it. So actionable items in terms of how do we actually support someone instead of trying to save someone. First of all, listening and holding space. I've talked a lot about that, um, like even in the chakra episodes. Just listening to someone and not trying to force the right words for them. Reflecting back to them what they're saying to show that you're listening. Letting them choose their path, even if it's messy, right? Like sometimes a friend, a family member, whoever will be talking to you and they're like, I'm thinking about doing this thing. And you can just see it playing out in your head, like, oh gosh, that's gonna be a disaster. Doesn't matter. If they didn't ask, let them choose their own path, even if it's messy. Because again, if we are keeping them from learning their lesson, we're delaying their growth. So maybe that is supposed to be part of their journey for reasons unbeknownst to you. Finally, supporting can look like saying, affirming or reinforcing things to the person in front of you that help them build trust in themselves and points it back to themselves. Like, I trust that you're gonna figure this out. I can see that you're already putting the pieces together to figure out the next right step. And something that I say to the people that are close to me, even when they do ask me for advice on something that I maybe recognize is a very personal decision, I've started just telling them for matters of the heart, I will always point you back to your own heart. I'm happy to listen, but let's hear what's in your head and on your heart, and then we'll put those pieces together. In contrast, here are some things that you can kind of look out for in yourself or even in other people when they're trying to save you. And saving can look like trying to solve someone's problem so they don't have to. Taking emotional responsibility for their well-being, kind of like a I can't rest until they're okay, because if I can make them okay, then I have saved them and I am good. Trying to change their perspective. Again, bringing awareness to something that maybe someone is not ready to have the capacity of that awareness for. And another aspect of saving looks like making their well-being your mission. Again, I will not rest until they are better, because if they are better and I fixed it, then I am the savior. And guess what? That is a little codependent. I know. So all of this to say that you can love someone, you can love someone so deeply and still let them struggle. How do we actually practically go about being okay with not being okay, both in ourselves and in other people? Again, people can only meet us as deeply as they've met themselves, and the same is true. We can only meet other people as deeply as we've met ourselves. For example, before my grandma passed in 2022, and if you want to hear more about that story, go back to episode 18. It's called Let the Light In, My Grandma and Me. I was very avoidant. I did not know how to talk about grief or hard things. I kind of would rather isolate myself. And if other people were talking about hard things in front of me, I could hold space for them, but I feel like it was a tight space. Like there wasn't a lot of room to dive as deeply as maybe they needed to in that moment. So, how do you become okay with not being okay within yourself so that then you can be that supportive person when there's someone coming to you? I think it starts with recognizing that not everyone is going to understand you. So don't force it. These are all lessons that I've learned, especially since stepping into working as a medium. Again, that's in stark contrast to the religious beliefs that I grew up with. And while I still have a very close relationship with Christ and I call in the Christ light every time that I work, there are people in my circle who feel that it's demonic or dark or evil. And instead of having those conversations, there is avoidance there. And that really bothered me for a long time because I didn't understand why we couldn't just talk about it. But eventually I had to recognize not everyone is going to understand. And that's okay. Like it's not, but it is, you know. Number two, not everyone will approve of your choices. Again, same thing. You can go and you can make a choice that's right for you, and everybody else thinks it's wrong for you, and it might end up being kind of messy in the end, but maybe again, you needed that for your own soul growth or development. And then another pillar of being okay with not being okay. Understand that not everyone is going to come with you as you go through the dark times. Not everyone is gonna follow after you as you're on the upswing to figuring things out. They'll remember the version of you that was messy or um making poor choices or still not quite there yet. But again, they don't, if they're not gonna be along for the journey, they're not gonna understand you. And that's just what it is. Learn to just be okay with that and be okay with yourself, regardless of the opinions that other people hold. So for me, I know that I really struggled with making life decisions big and small without making them a consensus of other living people. Now, it's something I wanna talk about soon on the podcast is my spiritual navigation system. I believe we all have a spiritual team throughout my life. I've always seen this as what I call the panel. And it's kind of an interchangeable panel of people, loved ones, guides, angels, whatever you want to call them, that I kind of look to to like energetically run decisions past, you know, morally, logically, all the things. But when we're talking about people, you don't need to run every decision through someone else in order to make it okay. So even if you're, you know, trying out a new hairstyle, trying out a new style of clothing, going to buy a new car. Choose the things that you like. Find your own style because if you're constantly asking other people what they think, then you're going to water down what you think. This also means that you're going to outgrow certain dynamics and even certain relationships, even the ones that you hold really near and dear. Again, I'll maintain privacy for circumstances and people in my own life, but there are definitely relationships that have fallen out that are painful to lose or painful to experience distance in, even if I hold space for the possibility that that might, you know, grow again into something someday. You've got to learn to be okay in the not okayness of outgrowing those certain dynamics as you learn what you like, what you don't like, what your boundaries are and holding those even when other people don't like those boundaries. And again, that comes down to just letting people misunderstand you without feeling that urge to clarify. Cause sometimes you just need a little breathing room. Like let people vent, you know, people talk. People talk to their people. So there might be conversations happening behind your back where people are venting about how they think that you're, you know, crazy or illogical or whatever the case may be. Let them talk. Maybe they need to get it off their chest so that they can hear themselves speak. And then they'll get an awareness that you couldn't have brought to them because they needed to hear it from themselves. So leave people where they are, let them have those feelings. And hopefully the right people that really value a relationship to you will come to you, not in a confrontational, let's fight about it, take your hoops off kind of way, but in like a, hey, remember that thing that you said or did? Like that really bothered me. And I just want to talk about it because I want to understand if that was your intention or if that was an unfortunate impact of something that was not your intention. The other part of this is if you hurt someone, you've got to own it. Again, having that discernment of what your intention was versus your impact. If someone does come to you and tell you that your actions, inactions, whatever the case may be, hurt them. Can you humble yourself enough to say, I'm sorry? And sometimes it's just I'm sorry without the I didn't mean that. And sometimes it's the I'm sorry with the explanation of this is what I meant. So developing that discernment. You also need to learn to repair what you can and just know that you can't force someone to move on. You can give that apology where you feel like it's warranted. You can explain what your intention was, and yet they might still decide that the impact was greater than whatever your intention was in the first place, and they might want to hold on to that hurt for a while for one reason or another. Let them. As we kind of start to wrap this up, there are some things that I, some questions that I'm gonna just pose to you, and you can put them in your back pocket and reflect on them or not. Journal, voice note, think about them in the car, in the shower, on your way to work, whatever. Ask yourself, where am I waiting for permission? Where am I waiting for permission to feel my feelings, do that thing, speak my mind, post that picture? Number two, where am I waiting for support before I move? Where am I waiting for support before I move? And why do I feel like I need that support before I can confidently move? And number three, where am I waiting for someone else to change first? Heavy hitters. I sit with this kind of stuff on the regular, and sometimes it kind of hurts because you've got to be really honest with yourself. And that goes back to the episode I did on taking um conscious accountability of your life, even the stuff that's uncomfy. So just know that sometimes leaving people where they are is also going to mean that you are shedding your skin and leaving behind the version of you that needed saving. And this is something that I can absolutely speak to because there is a version of me somewhere out there in the past that was waiting for these people to come at me correctly, to treat me properly, to see things the way that I saw them, to make room for my feelings the way that I needed to feel them. That wasn't their job. I don't need to be saved. I need to know what my boundaries are, I need to hold them. But I don't need to be saved or understood by other people. So a couple of points, and then we will wrap this thing right on up. You are not responsible for rescuing anyone. You are only responsible for how you show up. You can love without controlling, you can support without absorbing. Ooh, this one's big. I love this one. Goes back to that whole Reiki idea. Don't take on the stuff that's inside somebody else's suitcases because now you're being weighed down, and that wasn't yours to begin with. You can support without absorbing. You can grow without dragging anyone behind you. If they want to walk alongside you, they can walk alongside you, but don't be dragging anybody. It's not comfortable for them, and it's a harder workout than what you signed up for. In conclusion, reflect on those questions, go back, write them down, put them in your notes, think about them if it feels like that is going to be beneficial to you. And my last question is: who would you become if you trusted that everyone, every single person, no matter how much you love them or how distasteful they are to you, who would you become if you trusted that everyone is on their own divine timeline toward whatever life experience is written in the stars for them to have? That is all I have for you today. A little bit of a heavier topic, but all good things. Again, these are all lessons that I have come by very honestly with all the scrapes, bruises, blood, sweat, tears to prove that. Um, and I that's okay, you know, work in progress and happy to be such. So thank you again for pulling up your seat at the round table this week. Looking forward to bringing some more organization into my world so that we can chat a little bit more frequently. And in the meantime, feel free to give me a follow over on Instagram at Chloe.being.human. And we will chat again next time, my friend. See good, be good.