Oscar Peña: Growing Up Girl Dad - From Breadwinner To Present Father

What if the toughest thing about being a dad isn’t discipline or providing, but slowing down long enough to be truly present? That question sits at the heart of our conversation with Oscar Peña, host of The Daughtered Podcast, a “girl dad” whose military career, COVID lockdowns, and three daughters pushed him to rethink masculinity, leadership at home, and the real meaning of strength.

We talk about the quiet force that kept him distant for years: fear. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of big emotions. Fear disguised as productivity and the breadwinner role. Oscar shares how journaling during lockdown uncovered the weight of missed moments with his older girls, and how simple rituals—phones down, eyes up, listening without fixing—helped him repair trust and rebuild connection. He gets practical on shutting down the classic “ask Dad after Mom says no” pattern with nightly alignment, and how a united front preserves safety without power games.

This isn’t theory. It’s dinner, diapers, and deep listening. Oscar describes healthy masculinity as the capacity to carry your emotions and hold space for others, to protect while empowering independence, to cook the meal and set boundaries in the same breath. We explore how daughters challenge and stretch fathers in every direction—emotionally, mentally, physically—and why that stretch can make men better humans. We also go behind the scenes of starting The Daughtered Podcast: the stumbles, the unexpected community of creators, and the aim to leave a living record of growth for his kids.

You can find Oscar's amazing podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-daughtered-podcast/id1740582127

If you’ve ever wondered how to be more present when life is loud, or how to repair bonds you regret missing, this conversation offers clear steps and honest hope. Listen, share it with a dad who needs it, and if it resonates, subscribe and leave a review so m

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Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Oscar Peña And The Premise
• 1:25 The Mindset Shift: Daughters And EI
• 2:54 Breaking The Breadwinner Trap
• 4:39 COVID Forces Presence And Reflection
• 7:29 Facing The Impact And Naming Fear
• 11:35 Father’s Day Clichés And Intentionality
• 13:29 The Sleepless Turning Point And Journaling
• 16:23 Wife’s Experience And Postpartum Realities
• 19:25 Preventing “Ask Dad” Manipulation
• 22:20 Why Start The Daughtered Podcast
• 25:25 Podcasting Challenges And Community
• 27:27 Protection Versus Independence
• 29:19 Practicing Healthy Masculinity At Home
• 31:25 Repairing Bonds And Being Present
• 34:35 Practical Presence: Phones Down, Eyes Up
• 37:00 Community, Raising Girls, And Growth
• 39:15 Closing Message: Presence Over Everything

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:37

Welcome back to one on one with Mr. U. Of course, I'm your host, Mr. U, in studio with us, the host of the Daughter Podcast, our friend Oscar Penny is in the house, man. Oscar, how you doing, brother?

SPEAKER_01: 0:48

What's uh Yusuf? I'm doing amazing, dude. I I appreciate you having me on. I'm I'm honored and stoked to be here.

SPEAKER_00: 0:56

Same here, man. We had some awesome convos, man. I'm excited for the audience to hear more about you, your show, and your life as a girl that we're gonna get into all that stuff, man. But if you if you can, tell me what's the biggest mindset shift that brought you from your childhood as a young Oscar to the man that you are today. What do you think is the biggest mindset shift that happened that kind of brought you from that place to where you are now? Immature.

SPEAKER_01: 1:20

Oh brother, I think the mindset shift, if any, I could pinpoint is the birth of my daughters. Period. Um, you know, growing up, knucklehead kid, getting in trouble, doing the you know, the atypical boy stuff. Um, never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd I'd have any daughters. And um the shift has been getting out of that mindset of, you know, you you can call it old school mindset, you can call it a uh stereotypical mindset of a boy and a man, you know, in this day and age, but having to learn uh emotional intelligence uh in a different uh facet than I ever thought I would have to. And and I'm I've been married for 22 years, brother, so I've learned some of it. Thank you, thank you. Um, so you know, I haven't gotten fired, so I've obviously learned a little bit there, but when my daughter got to us, man, I it just became apparent that I was I was behind the curve. So that's probably been the biggest shift since I was uh you know knucklehead kid growing up.

SPEAKER_00: 2:27

Behind the curve, huh?

SPEAKER_01: 2:29

Yeah, brother.

SPEAKER_00: 2:30

How good you you probably are doing right now, man. I love it. I want to get into all this stuff as much as we can today. It's an awesome uh got an awesome life, brother. Uh, if you could pinpoint this, how do you believe you overcame the whole breadwinner mentality? Yeah, and got intentional about investing in your family. We got uh podcast, I'm sure you guys already heard about it. I know I know you heard about it, called the Men's Roundtable Series Podcast. Uh to save space for men. We do it once a month and we talk about stuff on air live that men normally don't touch, they don't talk about. It's one of those things. That idea of being a breadwinner and not taking the time to intentionally invest in your family because you think oh, it makes you weak or it slows you down. Yeah, when did you overcome the whole breadwinner mentality?

SPEAKER_01: 3:20

You think, brother? I wish I could tell you it was quickly after my daughter got to me, but um my first daughter was born in 2012, and I was in the midst of it, literal middle, like middle of a military career, and I was busy and I was out, and I was, you know, um just not at home, and then it was easy to be not physically or not mentally present when I was home because I was thinking of the next mission, the next thing that we're doing, and and and that, and and I think part of that was me a little bit escaping from like, holy crap, I've got this little human that I gotta like figure out, you know. Um and I wish it would have just hit me then. And my second daughter got to us in 2015, and I you know, I think I got better. I hope I got a little bit better for her, but still I I don't, you know, hindsight's 2020, right? Like looking back, I don't think I was as present as I as I could have been. It wasn't until COVID, right? My my youngest daughter was born August of 2020. And because she was born at that time, as you know, everything kind of closed down March, April-ish time frame. I and don't quote me on that because it that was a wild time. Um very wild, right? Very wild. So she got to us then. I'm I'm like there. I've kind of for lack of better terms, I'm forced to be home and I'm forced to be present. I'm there. Like, what else am I gonna do? And so then I just started to realize all of a sudden, like this weight hit me. It first started as kind of selfish, like, oh man, I missed this with my other two. Like, I missed this real presence with my other two. It was about almost like about me. And then I couldn't tell you when exactly, but it hit me even more heavy that it became apparent to me that I I took that away from them too. I took away a present father from them early on because I just wasn't intentional in what I was doing, and so it wasn't until my third daughter got to us that I really realized like, man, I I owe them so much more than just a house and the food and the warrants. Like, I owe them everything, and and that really is the genesis ultimately. It was quite a while ago, but the genesis of how we have a uh podcast today.

SPEAKER_00: 5:54

Definitely no, I love a little deep stories like this because they teach, they teach those that have gone through it, have not yet, or may go through it later on. I love the what do you think the impact was? I know your daughter's not on screen with us right now, but what do you think the impact was on the daughter for the time that you weren't there, for the time that you weren't committed or were you focused on cultivating that kind of relationship with them? What do you think the impact was? They told you if you heard them kind of say it indirectly. What do you think the impact was?

SPEAKER_01: 6:25

No, man, I I I don't I cannot recall a conversation where they were like, hey, you weren't there for us. Um, and I think that's probably one of those heavy things that you carry around. Like, what what will be the impact of that? Right? Um, they may not even realize it at the at this moment that I wasn't as present as I could have been until they really see me being present with my youngest. And in in those conversations we've had, like, oh I don't ever remember you doing that with us. And and then I get real honest and say, I I didn't, baby. I I didn't do this with you. One because we weren't in COVID or we weren't, you know, um, we weren't in the specific context of a situation, but two, because I wasn't as present as I should have been, and I learned that too late.

SPEAKER_00: 7:14

How'd you how'd you answer that when they inevitably ask, so why weren't you what was your answer for that?

SPEAKER_01: 7:22

Man, I I don't think I've ever gotten asked that question as far as like why weren't you present? But the only thing I can think of for me, and this is kind of interesting because we've gotten some comments on I think a couple of videos I've made for the podcast, and I think it's fear, dude. I think it's I think it's fear of screwing it up, right? It's like if you look at the bare minimum or the stereotypical uh uh providing, you're looking at do they have a roof over their head, do they have food on their table? Do is everything warm? Like, are we good? All right, I'm doing good. And so when I look at that, I start thinking, man, I I think the only other thing that I could that I could put in place of that is fear. What if I don't do this correctly? What if I'm here and I lose my emotions? So maybe I'll just you know step over there. Um, you kind of get that like stereotypical feeling of that, you know, that dad in the sitcoms, it's like we're hanging out in the garage because the daughters are all inside and the mom's all inside, and it's like the garage is a safe space, right?

SPEAKER_00: 8:34

Wow, you you stand a lot there, brother. That's a lot, it's a lot.

SPEAKER_01: 8:37

But you see what I'm saying? Like, yeah, it's almost that feeling of like, well, if I'm not here, maybe I don't screw it up as bad. And and we don't even know what screwing up means because we don't know if the impact is years later, if it's right now. Um, but I can tell you that having changed that mindset, having the privilege of talking to people, learning from people, and then implementing that learning right away has made me able to confront those little fears a lot better. Right. And I can actually have a conversation with my daughter, sit down and be like, listen, I'm this is kind of a fear of mine, and here's why. Right. And then we can kind of talk it out. Now, I don't do that with a five-year-old. I think we've talked about fear, but not in that bigger scheme just because she's five, and we could get lost in that conversation. But with my oldest, we we've had those conversations before.

SPEAKER_00: 9:35

Yeah, man. That's that intentionality and relationship. That's the reason why that's the reason why when Father's Day comes around, why the ads on TV are what they are. That's why you get macaroni hats and and and and ties and visors for Father's Day. That's why, because we we haven't taken the time to know them and they don't know us. That's they can't give us what they think we're gonna want. We may not want a new wrench, we may want a book, yeah. We may not want a tie, we may want, you know, uh a new pair of sneakers that we really need so we can run. I mean, so it just about knowing each other, and that's what fatherhood it should be about. I wanna so when I asked you what the turning point is and why you had to show up differently, was it with the debirth of your child, or was it something else that happened that made you say, you know what, I gotta show up and I gotta show up right now?

SPEAKER_01: 11:16

I I don't I can't pinpoint it to a specific moment other than the fact that it just I started to lose sleep all of a sudden, and it was that feeling that I deprived my other two of intentionality because I was home with the other two, then I would help, right? I would do the diapers, I would, you know, I don't get me wrong, like it wasn't like I wasn't a robot. I mean, I enjoyed them. I I have memories of enjoying them, but not like my last one, right? So when you look at when you look at doing something intentionally, you tend to remember it, you tend to um kind of make a core memory of it. And when you're not intentional, I mean, how many times you know you're in a conversation and you're not really paying attention to the conversation because you're not being intentional, and then you don't remember that conversation. I mean, if you can take it all the way back to school, the professor's talking and you're like, I'm not, I don't have no clue what he said, all class, right? Because we're not being intentional, it's it's just human nature and the way that our brains work. Um, so I just remember, I think, I mean, I want to say it was like 2021, like early 2021, I started to lose sleep and I couldn't figure out why. And the more and more I started to do that, I realized I needed to figure it out. So I would start writing. All right, what's but what's bugging me today? And nothing in my day was like, I mean, it was COVID, dude. Like we were all home. So other than really worrying about the world ending because of a virus, um, I couldn't figure out what really would have been bothering me. And it and it just hit me one day. I'm like, man, I I I remember leaving my office because I had a little office there working from home. And I I looked at my oldest daughter, she was doing something with her sisters, and it just gave me like this hurt in my chest, and it and it just it dawned on me. I'm like, that's what it is. I I saw her for the first time, like I really saw her and realized maybe I haven't seen her like I should have in the past. Um, and it was a weird feeling. And I know we say the word feeling, and and some guys probably check out of this of this uh live, but it was weird, bro. Like I just realized it and I started writing that down. As soon as I started realizing it, I started writing that down, and that journal really started talking back to me. And that's what it that's ultimately that's what told me, man, you you're missing out. You're you're all in your head, or you're trying to escape into work, or you're trying to, you know, whatever. And uh man, it it felt heavy, it feels heavy because I want to make that up. You can't, as you know, can't go back in time, but but I still have time. We all have time, no matter how old your kids are. You have time, like you gotta do the best with the time that you got, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00: 13:59

Absolutely. There's a there's a real power in writing stuff down. I talk about it a lot on one of our other shows, but different podcasts, different time, real table that part. But I want to ask you a tough question. If you can't answer it, it's all good, man. Move on to the next one. It's no, it's no big deal. But I do ask tough questions on the show. It just that's what happens when you're talking about not showing up and not being fully present. Tell me the standpoint that your wife had about that. You told me about yourself. How the kids had what did you hear from her? What did you see from her? What's their reaction? Was it verbal? Was it non-verbal? How do you know? How did you know from her standpoint that you weren't showing up?

SPEAKER_01: 14:42

Right. I absolutely will not speak for her because I'm sure she's got her own words to that, right?

SPEAKER_00: 14:49

She can come in and tell you right now. I don't matter how you want to do that, but I just don't I wanted to get her perspective for that. That's really important.

SPEAKER_01: 14:56

That is a that's such a critical question, brother, because um, you know, I talk a lot about my daughters and missing that time, right? One thing that I think we might miss, and I'll just say I know I've missed, is the fact that so I mentioned in my career at that moment of my first daughter being born, the way that it worked, she was born in one state, and two months later we traveled to the new location because as you guys know, military moves us around. So that's a lot, that's a lot in its own.

SPEAKER_00: 15:25

That's already a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 15:27

But keep in mind, both my wife and I, we were we were married for over eight and a half years by ourselves, no kids. So it's just her and I, right? She's my ride or die, we're doing all the things, right? And all of a sudden, we have this massive change in our life, which is a baby, and then we have another massive change, which is literally moving across country. And I get right into work because that's what we do. Just you get there to a new base and you start working. And one of the things that I that I know um impacted us was how my lack of intentionality and presence affected her. Because not only did she just make a human, which changes a person, right now, she's got to deal with all the back end stuff. You got hormones, you've got all these things, and all by the way, this little thing that now depends almost, I would say what 99% on the mama.

SPEAKER_00: 16:22

99.999. Yeah, the whole decimal thing.

SPEAKER_01: 16:27

Yeah, so she's she's got all this pressure on her, she doesn't know how to mom, just like I don't know how to dad. You know how many times I considered that? Probably zero, zero, right? Because I'm like in my head about this whole thing, and looking back, I think, and I'm just like that must have felt horrible. Not only was I physically gone, but then when I was home, I'm not here. I'm like thinking of something else. And it was a tough time, man. She she went through a tough time. Um, I think you know, they they call it postpartum stuff. I think I think I could have been way better in that time if had I been more present with her and my child. Um, and again, that that that took time to really realize that to realize that it wasn't just my daughter that didn't get my presence, it was my wife, this person who I admire and love so much that unintentionally I kind of left left hanging, right? And I and I I mean I'm there, right? But how much am I mentally there? Um, and this is all hindsight, dude. Like it's it sucks that we have to look back that far and be like, ah, I screwed that up. Um, but I work every day to let her know to show her how much I appreciate her and how much she means to not just me but our family, because she's the matriarch, dude. She's she's the boss around here, and um, and I wouldn't have any other way.

SPEAKER_00: 18:00

Love it, man. You're definitely a girl dad, man. Yeah, I think we discussed it. I got three daughters and two granddaughters, and it's like the whole girl dad thing, it was a ride for me, man, because I didn't understand how to navigate a lot of that kind of stuff, didn't have a father in the house, I didn't know what I was actually involved in, what I was doing. There's many times why I questioned how am I how am I gonna raise these kids? I've never seen this happen before, I don't know what to do. Yeah, at the same time, you know, I I I think about what you have experienced, what you're experiencing right now. So I asked you the really another tough question. How are you personally guarding against the relationship being manipulated? I'm asking that because in my experience, what I notice is that when you have a not every girl dad situation, it's just the one that I experience and the one that I've seen by extension. A lot of times it can be like, oh, if I ask this to start the right way, or if I do this, I'll get daddy will give me what I want. Mom says no, but daddy's gonna say yes.

SPEAKER_01: 19:06

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 19:08

The girl dad. You may not have seen that yet, or maybe you already seen it 10 times already. Yeah, how do you guard against that relationship kind of being twisted and manipulated?

SPEAKER_01: 19:17

Oh man, you can answer that communication. Blake twice if you need help. No, my little one came in the room and I don't want to uh blow her off there. Um communication 100. And and and it it's not perfect, dude. It's not perfect, but my wife and I make it a point every night to have a conversation, not just about the kids, but about the day, right? And uh I was really bad about it. So the manipulation thing got real because I would kind of be the I'm I'm kind of the no guy, right? Like I like to say no first before I know what we're getting into. No, no, no, wait, wait, you know. Um mama's a little bit more of the yes person, okay. And if I'm not careful, they can play that real easily, right? And before, it'd be like no, and then they'd be like, but mama, I'm like, no, no, no, I said no, and we and we shut it down. Well, what happens when I go meet mama? She's like, Um, I already said yes to that, right? So now you have this extension in the in the ranks of the leadership, no good. And we saw we saw a little bit of play there, okay. But now I I do my best. Again, this is a work in progress, and and you and you and I talked before, like I'm in a trench with everybody else trying to figure this thing out, right? Um now if they tell me something, I'll say, What did mama say? Right? I haven't talked to her. Okay, well, now I can make a decision if if mama hasn't been talked to, right? Now I try to make it in line with what we as a as a couple would do, but I don't get it right most of the time. But nevertheless, if they haven't talked to mama, I can make the decision. If they did talk to mom, I'm like, well, what did she say? And even if I don't like it, here's what it here's the kicker. There's been many times where mama said yes to whatever, and I'm like, All right, mama said yes. Like, go do your thing. And then I come in the room, like, why would you do that? You know, like so, but that communication, man, is is been the most critical point, not just in our marriage, but absolutely in our parenting. To be able to say, no, your whatever your mama said is what's happening. Whatever I said, mama's also saying is happening. Like, this is it. We're one team. So don't be playing these games where you know he said, she said, like, it's not gonna work around here. So far, again, a work in progress. Uh, but so far, uh, they have not divided, divided the team here. So we're still we're still online.

SPEAKER_00: 21:48

Ryan ain't gonna scare you with my scary story. We can just I'm here for you if you need to be shout out to you. All right, so I want to get into two key areas before our uh broadcast ends today. One is your podcast. What inspired you to start the daughter podcast?

SPEAKER_01: 22:08

What inspired me is the realization that I just don't know what I'm doing. I mean, it you know, um you know, jokes aside, like it's realizing that I should have been more present, I should have been more mindful of how my daughters were perceiving me. And then, you know, if you read anything in our podcast, there's strong, mindful, and present, right? Strength for me before my kids just meant I could be strong, right? I could pick up weights and I can I can run and I can do these things that are strength-based. Yeah, they've taught me that it's so much more than that, it's emotional strength where I can carry not only my emotions and control them, but also be able to handle and carry my wife's emotions. And now being able to handle and carry my daughter's emotions, right? Without breaking, that's a huge strength. And so understanding that I was missing all these aspects, all these gaps in my in my ability to to father these girls. Um, I realized, well, I've got all these questions and concerns, I'm sure others do too. And as we started, I had a buddy that started that podcast with me, and we started talking a lot. And and all of a sudden, as we started talking uh about a possibility of a podcast, we would get these like signals, right? Like social media somewhere would some guy would be like, Hey, uh, is there anywhere where we can like fathers or daughters can talk about being fathers or daughters? I was like, Yeah, it's over here. We just haven't started it yet. You know, like like we started started thinking about this, and and then I realized for me, you know, if I could if I do nothing else, if you or anybody else doesn't listen to this podcast, at the bare minimum, my daughters know that I was searching for answers and searching for uh for wisdom and growth until the day I'm gone, right? That's one. But two, if only one person listens to it and it makes a difference, sitting here thinking, well, that's it right there. That kid just got a more present dad, that father just got to enjoy that child more and be present. And odds are with those two, relationship got better, right? So why not? And that was that was really the the trigger in 2024. Uh I think I think April was our first episode, March, February, March, it was kind of a workup, and then in April we hit the we hit the road. I I'd like to say we hit the road running, but um, if y'all don't know how to podcast, like it's not as easy as it looks. So we probably hit the road stumbling a couple times, but we're here and we're still going.

SPEAKER_00: 24:58

That was my next question. What was your biggest challenge in podcasting so far?

SPEAKER_01: 25:02

It's it's almost the same challenge as being a father, brother. It's literal lack of knowledge. I don't know what I don't know, I don't know what I do know, and we're gonna figure this out. And um, yeah, for me, it's you know, I I greatly enjoy the conversation. I enjoy sitting down, and I become more um fond of it the more and more I do it. These conversations that we have and and the the perspectives and everything that someone else may have gone through that I would have never thought of that that kind of stuff. Enjoy that editing, social media, like all the things, all the necessary evils for everybody enjoyed that part. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, may that makes you feel better because I thought everybody enjoyed that, and I'm just like trying to, you know, I loathe that part, yeah. So, well, you know, that's that's definitely the hardest part. I love this, yes, and but you know, I will say this the community of podcasters. Maybe I don't know if we say that word, is that is that correct? Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. The could the community I fell into, like people like you, people like the people that have been on my show and promoted my show, like, bro, the community is awesome. Like, no doubt. I wouldn't be here without yeah, I wouldn't be here without their help and their guidance to figure out like, wait, how do you do anything with the sound? Oh, this one button, cool. How do you how do you record? Oh, that one button there, cool. You know, and then and it's just it's crazy. So um, it's that's been the hardest part. The the easiest part is getting on here and and and talking to people and finding out what what perspectives everybody has.

SPEAKER_00: 26:42

Yeah, I don't know if we if we've done it yet, but you definitely gotta have your wife and maybe your oldest daughter on one of your episodes and talk, it'd be a blast. Just a suggestion. We can talk about it offline. But yeah, last question about that. I want to get more into the whole idea of redefining masculinity. I think we need to spend a little time on it. We don't have a lot of time, but want to spend a little time on that because here's another tough question, I think. How do you personally tell the line between protecting your child and allowing them to be as independent as they need to be? How do you tore that line?

SPEAKER_01: 27:19

If you had asked me this when my first daughter got to me, my answer is I'm gonna go buy guns, I'm gonna put a fence around my house, right? Like I like protection mode, right? Told me that.

SPEAKER_00: 27:35

That's what I did.

SPEAKER_01: 27:36

I mean, but hey, I'm not saying that I didn't, I'm just saying the answer would have been different. To add on to that, the answer now also is combined with the knowledge that I just I won't be here or every everywhere they are to protect them at all times. And and unfortunately, at times it's a crappy world, and there's crappy people, and so with that realization, I started to work towards all right, how do I make my daughters as capable as possible, as reasoning as possible, and as compatible as possible? This world is full of people, so if you can't be around people, you have a problem. If you can't disagree civilly, you have a problem. We've seen that now, right? And so as I started to look at this from an outsider's perspective, I try to step back and I realize, well, I'm not gonna be here forever. And oh, by the way, my job takes me away, so I'm definitely not home sometimes to help protect them. So, how do we do this? I make them, I try to make them as knowledgeable as possible of the things that they need to know within the context of their age and stage, and hoping that they understand these things so that they know how to protect themselves. I know that's a soft answer, brother, but what more what what more can I do, right? Other than invest everything that I know into them so that then they can move forward and do it on their own. And that's really in my eyes, protecting them is that is how do I give them enough knowledge, not scare the heck out of them about life, but give them enough knowledge to to to be cognizant of the things that can happen and also how they can react to it.

SPEAKER_00: 29:29

Yeah, I think the power of community plays a part in that too. I wasn't asking, I think you already answered that really, really good there. Uh, let's talk about redefining masculinity. I know that masculinity is often portrayed as something that's negative. That's why I have a podcast for men. Yeah, they have to push against that kind of darkness. How does what you do in your work challenge those stereotypes? What does healthy masculinity look like to you?

SPEAKER_01: 29:59

You know, you know better than I do that it depends on who you're asking that question, right? Yeah, I'm at Brudo. I don't know, you know, I'm not very eloquent with words. Maybe redefining is not not the word to do, maybe, but when I look at it, I'm a masculine dude and I'm good with that, and I want my daughters to see that. But the stereotypical, or we're just gonna put it into quotations if you're if you're listening to this, stereotypical masculine, and almost like veering into the that those two special words people like to use is toxic masculinity, right? Is the dude that cuts the line at like only dude things, right? Oh, I'm I just I do the outside, my wife does the inside, and that's just we're that's the way we work. You could do that, I have no problem with that. What I want to show in my masculinity is the strength that I talked about, and that's emotional and uh physical and um uh mental, all the things, right? All the different types of strength. And then also I want to walk in the door and I want to make dinner for my girls, and I want to make sure that whatever needs to be done in the house just gets done. There's no like, oh, that's your mama's job. That's that's not how this works, right? And I'm teaching my daughters to do the same. Hey, do you see that needs to be done? Go get it done. If not, I'll go get it done. And that's when I look at masculinity within the home environment, at least for my daughters. I want them to see that I'm a rugged, knuckle dragging dude. I want them to see that, right? But I also want them to see that I can do everything else. And I want to do these things, these things for them. Um, at the same time, I also want them to see that the masculinity side that says, I will protect you till my life ends, it's there. You better believe that, right? And I want them to see that as well. So when I look at redefining it, I don't, I honestly don't think we're redefining. I think we're trying to show what real masculinity looks like. Toxic people are everywhere. I don't I to me, it's not toxic masculinity or femininity, that's just toxic people, right? So, I mean, I I'm a masculine dude, they're gonna see that, and I'm proud of that, and I want them to see it. And guess what? I want them to look for a dude that is also masculine in you know future future life, so that I know that that individual will care for them and take care of them in the way that I want them to be taken care of. That's just the way I am.

SPEAKER_00: 32:31

That works. Hopefully, we got time for just a few more questions and then we get you out of here. All right, so in your mind, what are some practical ways that dads can be more present? I know you talked a lot about trying to catch up and make up for and repair the connections, and we know we kind of understand that that's probably not possible to catch up, but you can repair connections that have been broken. Yeah, that's kind of a two-part question. What are practical ways that dads can be more present when they're busy in a way like yourself with your job? And how do dads repair the connection when they kind of missed it with their daughters or with the kids?

SPEAKER_01: 33:10

I'll take the second one first, just because, in my experience, repairing to me has been actually talking about the things that I that I feel need to be repaired, first of all. So with my oldest, we'll go on a date and we'll sit down. And first and foremost, I let her just talk, and you'd be surprised we can go the whole date without me saying a word, and that's fine. Like it's like the time, right? And that's one of those practical things that I do is I have to be very purposeful to not get into that conversation if she's rifting on whatever because she's thinking that out loud, and you know, um, it's been very helpful and very practical to do that. Very hard though, because as you know, like I'm listening to something, I'm like, oh, that's dumb. Like, let's just not talk about that. But it's kind of nice to let her go through it, and a lot of times, most of the time, she just figures it out on her own if I allow it. Other than that, if I don't allow it, then we you know we start squabbles and it's it's the whole thing. Um so repairing for me, man, it's been like if I do get the chance to talk, I say, hey, listen, this is one thing that's bothering me about you know when I when you were younger, and I know you may not remember it, but here's what happened, and here's how I feel about it, and I just thought you should know. And it's crazy the conversations that arise from that, it's wild. Like, there's times where she'll remember something very uh vividly, and I'm like, you were like five, right? And that's what scares me because I'm like, oh, I screwed up a lot, dude. Like, she's gonna remember all these things, but it's okay now because we're able to talk about them. And I tell her, I make a point to tell her the special relationship that her and I have that I don't have with her siblings. She's the oldest, so she's teaching me how to be a dad every minute of every day all the time, whether she chose to or not. It's her lot in life, and it sucks for her because she's kind of getting the raw end of the deal. But that's you know, she's teaching both my wife and I how to parent because we're probably gonna do better with her siblings because of her, and voicing that out loud to her and letting her know, hey, we're human, we are, you know, I it it sounds dumb, but I try not to say, hey, I'm figuring it out as I go, because it's like I wanna I want her to know that I'm trying to that I'm doing well, but but that's what we're doing. We're figuring we're making this ship on the water, dude. Like we're just like trying to put together stuff. But I think doing that gives her a view of the real us. Oh, my parents don't have it all figured out, but they're trying. And when they screw up, they take responsibility and accountability, and and then we move forward, right? And so that's for me, that's that's what making up those mistakes has looked like, making those relationship rebonding. As far as the practical stuff, dude, I get again, I mentioned it several times. The knuckle dragon for me, it's gotta be practical. And you know, we have everything in our lives right now that wants to take our attention. Everything wants our attention. Phone, computer, TV, and then people and all work, whatever. I make it a point now. When they start talking, I make sure my phone is down. Or if if I for whatever reason I can't put it down, if I'm on a phone call or or doing something, I ask them to just give me whatever the two, three minutes to finish so that I can pay attention. Once I do that, I physically will stare at their eyes and the region of their mouth as they're talking. It sounds weird, I know, but I found that as I do that, specifically this area, I see uh they they communicate a lot that they don't say, right? Because of the facial expressions, and I'm able to catch these things. And because I'm I'm like being intentional, intentional, and uh it almost feels weird because I'm like kind of staring in, but it really keeps me it keeps me in the moment, like it keeps me right there, and I'm actually able to listen. And sometimes it detract distracts me so much that I it stops me from interrupting them and getting into the conversation, and so that to me has been very useful to be able to just be like, all right, I'm gonna zone in right here and nothing else. Her her sibling will come over, talk to me, and I'll just give her a hand for a second and she'll wait until she's done with her sentence or whatever, and then I you know I kind of address. But doing that, that has been a practical, very useful thing for me to sit with them in the moment.

SPEAKER_00: 37:51

I love it. All right, in one sentence, describe me your ideal idea of community.

SPEAKER_01: 37:59

One sentence. Sometimes men don't like to ask for help, but an ideal community, you don't necessarily have to ask for it, but you'll hear the help in the community. And I think that's where that community comes into play. Just like your community, just like the daughter community. You may not ask me physically for the help, but it's there. You're gonna be able to go there and be like, oh, Joseph already went through this and he just talked about this. I'm gonna do that now.

SPEAKER_00: 38:34

I like it, I like it. All right. Last question, then I get you out of here and get you back to your girls. I feel like, and I never heard anybody say this. So this could be unique. Maybe it's not. I hope it's not copywritten. But it feels like people who raise boys well, men that raise boys think that they're better men because of it. I taught my boy how to get my boy know how to hunt and fish, my boy had raised a drag, drag race. And so I think there's an idea, maybe it's unspoken, but they think they are better men because they raise boys. Tell me how you think it's our last question for the day. Tell me how you think we're better men for raising girls. I ain't gonna say nothing here, even though I'm I'm a girl dad, too. I ain't gonna say a word. This is this is this is you right here.

SPEAKER_01: 39:20

We're trying to start, we we're trying to start uh start a rift there, a little battle here. Uh this is what I would say. I'm obviously biased, I only have girls, but this is what I would say. If I had to raise a boy, I would probably start the way that I was raised. I'm a boy, and it would almost feel like I already kind of know what I'm doing. And I tell you that because when I thought that we might have a boy, that's the exact thought process I had. Having girls flipped my world completely upside down and made and made me stretch in every angle that I had never imagined I would have to stretch emotionally, physically, uh, mentally, uh patiently, like all of those angles that I never would have imagined um they've been they've been stretched by them. And so I think raising a daughter, a man raising a daughter, um, is going to have to change and have to be willing to grow with that with that daughter because they're gonna they're gonna poke at every angle that you have.

SPEAKER_00: 40:40

No question. With the last 120 seconds, I want to give you that last two minutes. Speak to people whatever's on your heart, man. Whatever you want to say. Yeah, this is your time after you're done. You're closing the show out. Floor is your time.

SPEAKER_01: 40:52

I'll tell you what, people tell you all the time time goes by real quickly. And if you have any kids right now, you I know, I know you feel it. You look over and you blink, and you're like, what the hell? They're three, now they're five. Now they're 13. And all I can say is that if we missed being present, not only do I miss out, but our kids are missing out on the possibility of an intentional father that maybe some of us didn't have. And so that presence is going to make the difference going forward in the rest of this called this thing called the world and society. What our kids are getting from us, what they see from us, that is exactly what they're going to be doing. Not what we're saying, but what we're doing. And so being mindful of how they're perceiving us is just critically important. How we treat people, how we treat problems, and how we get up from failure. And they're going to look at that. And that mindfulness will allow you to be present as well. So all I could say is find a way to be present. Stare at their teeth, stare at their nose. I don't know. Get locked in a room, but be present with them. And uh you will find a whole new world when you when you do that. So that's all I got to say about that.

SPEAKER_00: 42:12

Thank you, brother. Oscar, you're an awesome man. Got an incredible family. That's pretty obvious. And the incredible podcast is where if you guys are watching and listening for the first time, you want to check out Oscar's podcast, wherever you get your podcast from, the Daughtered Podcast. It's going to be the link's going to be in the show notes. You can find that show on Apple Podcasts, I'm sure, probably Spotify, anywhere you get your podcast, YouTube channel as well. Everywhere, yep, that's right. YouTube, everywhere. I'm subscribed to your YouTube channel. I think I am too. The Daughtered Podcast. It's Oscar Pena. I'm Mr. U. Thanks again for watching and listening to the show. We're out of here. Any questions for us? Drop it in the comment section or DM us on social media. Happy to answer those questions. Have a great day. Thanks for watching one on one with Mr. U.S.