Dr. Melanie Gray - How To Stop Glorifying Exhaustion and Start Valuing Yourself

The grind finally meets its match! We sit down with Dr. Melanie Gray—registered nurse, educator, and workplace wellness strategist—to pull apart the myth that exhaustion equals excellence and to rebuild a healthier vision of leadership from the inside out. If you’ve been praised for being “always on,” this conversation will feel like permission to choose a different path.

We trace how early conditioning links self-worth to job titles and output, then unpack why so many professionals wear burnout like a badge. Dr. Gray explains trauma-informed leadership in clear, relatable terms, showing how historical and multi-generational stressors, family dynamics, and social drivers of health shape how people show up at work. We explore epigenetics and why prolonged stress can alter gene expression, influence health outcomes, and quietly drive workplace behavior. The takeaway: people don’t leave life at the door, and leaders who recognize that build safer, more effective teams.

From there, we get tactical. You’ll learn how to spot the early signs of depletion—sleep issues, gut trouble, irritability, and snap reactions—and how to reset your nervous system daily with short, sustainable practices. Dr. Gray introduces her STOP IT method, a direct, compassionate approach to ending what isn’t working and pivoting toward habits that restore energy and integrity. We walk through boundary-setting that actually holds, the art of saying no without guilt, and a 72-hour reboot plan: leave on time, power down devices, eat well, sleep early, cancel nonessential plans, and protect a calm weekend to reset your baseline.

Leaders across generations will find empathy and practical tools here—whether you’re managing anxiety early in your career or recalibrating in your 40s, 50s, and beyond. Expect a blend of science, story, and simple rituals you can start today to protect your health and lead with clarity, compassion, and consistency.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a colleague who needs a reset, and leave a quick review. Your support helps more people find a healthier way to work and live.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Welcome back to one-on-one with Mr. U. Of course, I'm your host, Mr. U. If you join us for the first time, upper right hand corner of your screen, the QR code, where you can grab all of our shows from past to present and catch up on how we do our interviews and who we're talking to around the world. Like our guest today. Our guest today is an expert in trauma-informed leadership, burnout prevention, and workplace wellness. Registered nurse, educator, and wellness strategist with more than 20 years of expertise in healthcare leadership and higher education, founder of the Melanie Gray Solutions and her signature stop it method. Let's welcome to the show, Dr. Melanie Gray. Dr. Gray, how are you today?

SPEAKER_00 1:00

I am wonderful, Mr. Mustafa. You it is such a pleasure to be here with you and your fine and wonderful audience. We're gonna have a great conversation.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

We got a lot to talk about. I want to try to get into as much as we can with the time framing we have today. So let's try to it's not gonna be in any kind of order or anything. I just got a lot of my mind.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

But hey, get it out.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Yeah, we talk a lot about now. I've been somebody who's been a long timer in the workplace. I would say that I am learning how to reframe that time and see it for what it was and not actually have it felt to me in the moment. But you talked about when we having our pre-interview, you talk you're talking about valuing yourself as much as your work. Why are professionals struggling to do that?

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Because no one ever you don't wake up as a kid. When you're a kid, your parents teach you one day you're gonna have a job, one day you're gonna have to take care of yourself. People ask you when you're two, what do you want to be when you grow up?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Oh, brother.

Why We Tie Worth To Work

SPEAKER_00 2:02

No one asks you about your character, no one tells you what impact you want to make. It's what do you want to do? So this mindset of job and and my value is associated with what I do and become in the workplace, it is ingrained into us so early that it's what we actually live, breathe, and think through from from uh kindergarten, pre-preschool through uh college and beyond.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Wow. So here's something that I see, I see this in uh the workplace arena, in the workplace culture, but I also see it in ministry, areas where I travel, uh, ministry, coaching, uh, even in some somewhere in the podcasting where I hear some friends send me messages. I'm not gonna bring them out and share their story, that's for them to share. But I see people normalizing exhaustion as some kind of badge of honor. I'm exhausted, so that means that validates what I do. How do we stop glorifying burnout? Help us out with that because that's not a good situation.

The Culture Of Glorified Burnout

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Well, first, you have well, burnout means you just never stop, right? You just you're a match on fire, you never stop burning. And so, how do you change that? You have to make a decision, you have to put the same effort into valuing yourself, putting yourself on your calendar, setting healthy priorities, the same effort that you use to get a degree, to get a promotion, to get a home, you have to have that same value for yourself. And it's effort. And if you think about it, you attained those goals by setting, having a plan and sticking to it. And generally, those goals weren't achieved overnight. Yeah, it took years, it took years to save money to get a home, years to finish your degree, years to become acclimated in your profession, and on and on. So we have to understand that with dedicated, consistent effort into ourselves, we can change. But you have to realize one that you can, and that you do not have to burn out. You do not have to buy the lie that everyone places on social media, everyone at work, that you're getting all your messages from the outside and not listening to yourself. You can stop.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

I got that. So we're definitely going to talk about burnout and chronic stress and recovering from these things because I think it's gonna be a very important part of what you bring to the table without the grave. I want to ask you a question about trauma. Tell me, in your estimation, what trauma looks like in the places where you've been able to work and help people because trauma means different things, different people.

Defining Trauma And Its Ripple Effects

Epigenetics And Chronic Stress

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Yes, what's that mean for you? So, from the perspective of trauma-informed care, I want to help people understand the impact of historical and multi-generational trauma on who people become, how they show up. We're in uh February, African American History Month. I can use that as an example. The historical and multi-generational trauma of African Americans from slavery through Jim Crow, uh, coming across through civil rights, segregation, affirmative action, affirmative action being now taken down, uh you know, illegal made illegitimate by the government, all of these are traumatic impacts that impact how we show up as a people, and it has an impact on our stress levels, and it has has it had an impact on stress levels. When you also add the impact of the social drivers of health being uh disuh, being uh as black people not having the same access, we are then having more stress when we cannot have access to good food, access to healthcare, access to education, good jobs. We're being marginalized. That ongoing stress has an impact on how people show up. So then when you think about why do people and some the impact of that affects our health, affects our behaviors, affects our uh sensitivity to emotional uh safety and being safe, it impacts how we show up at work because maybe we are don't know how to respond in certain situations because we're the first one. So we have to think about historical and multi-generational trauma, and those traumas can also be not only the historical impact, not only the fact that we're marginalized often by through the social drivers of health, but then you also add the family dynamics, and then you add what the impact of chronic stress has done on our bodies. There's a field of study, um, Mr. Moustayu, that talks about epigenetics. And epigenetics is a study of how the genes uh change due to stress. Stress does not change the DNA sequence, but it does change how the DNA responds to life, health. So, therefore, when you look at certain populations, and I'll use African Americans, if you you see a tendency toward greater weight, toward hypertension, toward diabetes in some family groups, there the study, the research is indicating that potentially that is because of the uh the impact of the stress and the trauma. And when we're defining traumas, we're talking about community violence, uh the social drivers of health, divorce, uh uh family uh divorce, um, and just on and on. It's not just an accident. Yeah, trauma comes in many forms.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

Definitely, definitely. What great point there. What one thing that I also seem to see, it's not even really about us so much. I think it's it's this is really universal, but it feels like people are not just physically but emotionally depleted, and they have no idea that this is happening. They they feel certain things, but they don't know how to compartmentalize what they're feeling and why they're feeling it. Can you kind of share some signs of somebody depleted? What do you what do you see as signs?

Signs You’re Depleted

SPEAKER_00 8:52

People have to listen to their bodies now. If you're having gut pain, you're bloated, you're constipated, you're having muscle aches, you're not sleeping, you see yourself gaining weight, your hair is your is falling out, uh, you're snapping at people, you're you don't even understand why you're responding certain ways. It's because potentially you are at a point of breaking, of burnout, but you're so used to pushing through because that's that's what many of us have been taught to do, just push through. I know myself, I got so used to pushing through, I thought my exhaustion was just how it was for me until I started getting rest, and I'm like, oh, this is what it feels like to be normal. I'm gonna keep this up.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

I love that I love that. So, from your standpoint, because of your expertise, what's some strategies that you can kind of have healthy boundaries that you know you're not getting too uh overinvested in doing things for other people so much, whether it be people in your family or in industry in corporations, and make sure you take care of yourself. That's really important. I think it's really important in 2026, to be real with you.

Boundaries, Saying No, And Self-Priority

SPEAKER_00 10:06

Absolutely, yeah. So I you know, I love to sing. So, can I just tell you you gotta wanna, you gotta wanna, you gotta wanna invest in yourself, you gotta wanna, you gotta wanna, you gotta wanna invest in yourself. So you just gotta wanna, sir, and then like you wanna do other things in life, you have to make you a priority, you gotta put the brakes on, right? And you have to all also realize sometimes we get roped into things because our friends and our family get used to us saying yes all the time, and we're kind of like an easy mark, and then we kind of like having this super S syndrome, super soldier, super sister, super saint, super worker, super cousin, and we kind of get these secondary gains from everybody saying, Oh, you know, you can always get it done. We can always go to her. We have to stop that and say, Okay, I don't need that, this is wearing me out because you teach people how to treat you, and you have you want people to treat you like a gift, and you want to live better, you got to treat yourself first like the gift that God made you to be.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

There you go. No, that's good, that's good. I see, I I get that, I hear that, and to be honest with you, last year was probably one of the first times I really begin to embrace self-care. We're talking about somebody who's been around the sun more time than you might believe. And I just really figured that out last year. Is there any practical way that you can help somebody who's watching and listening right now put that into action? I mean, I I love your song, I love what you said, but how how does somebody actually get that? Because in a world that's so uh frenetic and there's so much stuff going on, and so many uh drives and pulls and influences, what can you say practically? You know what? You gotta take care of you. How do you talk to the person who's watching listening right now who may not understand how to do it? It's so busy, got so much left to light, so many irons in the fire. Can you help them?

Practical Self-Care You’ll Actually Do

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Uh-huh. You gotta stop in the name of your self-care. Self-care is the new health care. Stop in the name of your self-care. Self-care is the new health care. You gotta do it, you gotta do it. And so, how you do it? You gotta put yourself on your calendar, you've got to be intentional. First, you've gotta s scan your body, scan yourself, listen to yourself. I don't feel good, I do not like the place that I'm in right now, and then you have to be willing to tell yourself the truth. I need to make some changes in my life, and then you have to own that, you have to own your no when people are telling you or asking you you better own your no. No is a full is a full sentence, and you have to mean it. Sometimes people come to you first because they think you're an easy mind, you're an easy yes, and they can just move on, get get a get an answer, and they can move on, but it's not good for you. It's important that you set your priorities, you know. What do you want? You know, pause. So what you want you have to own your note, and then P, you have to prioritize yourself. Now, in that, you mean you cannot be a people pleaser. Because every when you start making yourself a priority, everyone's not gonna get with that game. They're not like what is wrong, I like it like it was, you was changing with you, something going on with you, you think you better, you whatever, whatever, whatever. You it doesn't matter. Everyone can't go with you the distance. So, in order to take care of yourself, you must be willing to be still and prioritize yourself. And then I, you have to be intentional. Like you're intentional about getting up, getting your coffee, getting your Starbucks, making your breakfast, combing your hair. You're intentional about many things. You can apply that same strategy to yourself. It's not like you don't know how, you just don't do it for you. And then P, you have to be willing to uh prioritize yourself and succeed. You have to be willing to transform. T, you have to be willing to transform. It's a change.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Love that. So, what was your turning point? The moment you realize, you know what, I gotta get my energy back, I gotta redirect this in the right way, look at success differently so I can avoid the whole burnout, stress, romantic type of situation that we're all experiencing. What was your turning point for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:06

My turning point was uh when I my father had a stroke, and I was on my rise to do this whole nurse exec thing. I was going up the ladder, I could see it, I could taste my next promotion. And then my father, when he got sick, I said, I cannot either I take care of him, but I was feeling tired, but I said, either I take care of him or I put all my energy into this. And I I know I can't do both. So I decided to prioritize my father, which caused me to kind of pivot in my career, stop, you know, I didn't push so hard to go up. I uh went into uh a higher education, uh, just made a whole pivot so that I had a better lifestyle. And then once I started feeling better, I'm like, oh, I don't hurt like I used to, I can sleep. I started seeing myself feel better. I was able to then, that's when I actually went back to school and was able to get my doctorate. It was after I stopped pushing so hard and really got to feel what life actually looked like.

Daily Nervous System Resets

SPEAKER_01 16:12

I like that like this. All right, so in my circles, I'm hearing so much either questions about or commentary about the nervous system. You talk about resetting it on a daily basis. Explain to those that are watching, listening who don't have a degree like you, who's not in higher education like you are, explain to where we can understand that. What does it mean to reset your nervous system and why do we need to do that?

SPEAKER_00 16:40

Yes. So if your house was burning down, you'd have to do what? What would you have to do? You'd have to put the fire out, right? Okay, yeah. So the same is true for burnout. Burnout means that you're never turning off, you're never resetting, you're never letting going into your parasympathetic nervous system where you which is your relaxation trigger. You're just always on fire. So one thing you have to do is in the moment, there are moments when you need to reset so you don't go off, so you don't snap, so you don't uh go into career, you know, turn your career upside down. And then there are times when we need to have planned resets longer term, where we're resetting at home and getting enough sleep, where we're taking pay our time off and finding time to relax on the weekend versus making the weekend another time to go and do and go and do and go and do. You have to allow your body to reset and relax. You have to breathe, you have to have time to eat well, you have to have time to you know hydrate and drink enough water. So even just to be at peace with yourself to say, hmm, what do I really prioritize? What do I really want? Because sometimes we go on autopilot and we just and our and for some of us, autopilot don't look that bad. And people think we cruising, oh you got it good, you're doing all this. You know, we look making it look smooth on the outside, and on the inside, we're dying. And so we have that truth, that that time in which we uh tell ourselves the truth is really super important.

The STOP IT Method Explained

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Well, this let's get into a little bit about your stop it method, kind of how you started that. It seems to be central to what you teach. I would definitely want to hear how you uh help people with that. People who are listening to our show, majority of the time that are watching, listening, some in some kind of leadership position. Uh, you're helping them slow down, set boundaries, and begin to lead with some kind of integrity or excellence, or both, especially in high-pressure environments. So tell us how the stop it method worked, how'd it come about? How are you using it? If you got a story that way it works, that's even great.

Blending Science With Compassion

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Yeah, so it came about because I'm that person that people like to talk to, have always liked to talk to where I've worked, and I would sometimes hear people the same stories over and over again. Yeah, I'm tired, um, this is going on, I don't know what to do. And finally, I would just start saying, you know, you just gotta stop it. You have to make a decision here, and and that's really what change and overcoming burnout, resetting ourselves, our our nervous system, set making ourselves a priority. It's all about a decision to pivot. There's no magic to it, it's just a decision. So you have to be willing to stop what is not working and to find the path that does work for you. And so I began to that was my mantra. And so the story about me was became well, Melanie's really good to talk to, but if you don't want the truth, she's not one to go to you, she's not the one to go see. So I recommend her, but if you don't want the truth, because she's real direct. Now I will say I am direct, but I'm more lovingly direct than I was earlier in my career.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

That's that's kind of my my next question. I see that there's a lot of compassion that's embedded in your work. You also deal with the science as well. Tell me how you kind of bridge the gap between the two of them because most there's some people who are in the medical field, there's doctors in particular, that's they kind of they they kind of lost their compassion. It's it's it's work, it's a job, and they don't think about the the human element, I guess you could say that the impact. How are you bridging the science, neuroscience, what have you, and compassion in your work? How are you doing that?

What Trauma-Informed Leadership Looks Like

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Well, I work to help healthcare leaders, uh professional healthcare workers understand when they're at a point of being of experiencing secondary trauma and by uh uh because because of the work that they do do. Uh, compassion fatigue is real. When you're continually putting out fires and taking on the uh challenges and pain of others, sometimes it just becomes on, it builds up, and the only way to work through it is to desensitize yourself. So when people, when I'm working with healthcare workers, I want to help them understand when this is happening so that they can then tell themselves the truth, stop it, and make a different choice. Sometimes you have to pivot out for a while, or you have to reduce your hours in that work so that you can get healthy again. Some people pivot out, some people reduce their hours so they can get healthy again and become. The people, if they really want to be on the inside to reestablish that compassion.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Yeah. So why do you think trauma-informed leadership is so important? I think I understand the answer before you even say it, but can you share that with our listeners and viewers? Why is that important even now?

Culture Change And Organizational Buy-In

Coaching Across Generations At Work

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Well, trauma-informed leadership means that as a leader, you are sensitive to the impact and widespread uh trauma that is so pervasive. So the Center for Disease Control estimated even before the pandemic that over 67% of all Americans had had some type of adverse childhood experience: divorce, uh, community violence, crime, uh chronic illness, they'd had some type of trauma. So when you couple the world, the pandemic, and you couple what's happening with the world right now, a lot of people are experiencing some type of trauma. So a trauma-informed leader understands that when their team comes to work, they haven't dropped all of life at the door. And that they're bringing in their past traumas, they're navigating what's happening in the world, and it can affect how they show up. So a trauma-informed leader being responsive might say, uh, you know, this I know that this is happening in the world right now. How is everybody feeling? Does anyone have any family members in Venezuela? Uh, do any of you, there's a fire in our community the other day. Uh, does anyone have someone that's related, that's being an impact that we want to care about you? It's recognizing that life is happening so that and being sensitive in how we talk to people so we don't trigger them. Uh, one example I'll use is I had a I was working with a student once, and every time I just looked at him, he would literally break into a sweat and start shaking, trembling like I had never seen before. And so I pulled him aside one day and I said, help me understand what you see when you see me. And because I've never had anybody react like that, like like you're shaking, help me understand. I just stand there and you're freaking out. And he said, Every time I see you, I see your my father. He said, Every time I see you, and I know you're trying to teach me, I just hear my father be raping me and cursing me out and and telling me how I can't do this. And I said, Okay, well, I'm not your father, but I'm glad I understand what you're experiencing. So we have to develop a way to work together to help you work through this, and so that's what we did. So leaders have to understand how they show up can be triggering for people that they work with and to be sensitive to that. So it's it's it's very uh there's a lot more I could say about it, but it's really leaders be understanding that people have lives when they show up, they have a past and a history that you should be sensitive to. So avoid directive words like you should and no, and just because I said so, and avoid all the long emails when you really could just pick up the phone or check in with somebody on Teams, you know, very quickly, have a quick conversation. Uh, those small things are ways to reduce the stress and trauma as a leader and be trauma-informed.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

That sounds like the kind of workplace that I don't think I've ever seen in over 30 years where the leader is quote unquote trauma-informed. I see people try to try to avoid tough uh topics that are probably impacting their their employees and their company, or they just try to gloss over it quickly so we can get back to work. How rare in your mind is a trauma-informed leader? Do you see a lot of them? Because I don't think I've ever met one.

A 72-Hour Reboot For Leaders

SPEAKER_00 26:09

Well, well, there are those individual leaders that read and try to be sensitive and are aware of the value. Culturally, organizations, it takes three to five years for culture to change, and it's a long-term culture change, a long-term commitment by organizations. Uh, but it's my goal to help more organizations see the value in investing in that culture, and that's part of the work that I do. But it's a big commitment, so I have only um, I haven't I get uh organizations that reach out to me, I present to them, and you know, the long-term commitment is where it counts, but that it is worth it.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

Definitely. We got room for a couple more questions. But if you guys are watching, listen for the first time, in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, the QR code, grab that so you can catch all of the episodes of one-on-one with Mr. U. So you can find out how we kind of do business out here. Upper right-hand corner of your screen, the QR code. Grab that with your phone so you can catch our previous episodes. Couple more questions for you down the grade, and we can get you out of here. So, are you dealing more with younger generations, younger audiences, or is it more middle-aged to senior audiences? Who have you found yourself helping more?

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Oh, both. Both, okay, both, because younger people want to know how to manage their anxiety and they want the encouragement that life is going to be okay. That can is it going to be, is am I gonna be okay? Uh, and having, you know, I'm uh I've been around the block a few times, and so I can give them that wisdom that yes, you will survive this. Uh, older, more mature people want to know how do I, if they're in their 40s and 50s, how do I keep going amidst everything that is changing? What how do I protect myself, manage myself to go the distance? And then there are those people that are more senior that really want to do better and leave uh are more aware of their impact and the legacy that they want to leave. Now, in some some there, in some workplace for some workplaces, excuse me, there are seven generations working together now.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

And so there is a need for with the intergenerational workforce for people to understand each other and to become more sensitive. And I do peep feel that people uh in the workplace do want to do that. People want to do well, they really do.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Absolutely, absolutely. All right, final question for you. Great answers, by the way. Thank you for putting the time in and they'd be here with us. All right, so final question for you for the leaders that are watching. I'm gonna speak to them. The leaders that are watching, listening to this show today, be feeling depleted, not sure how to make this turn that you have already made successfully. What can they do within the next uh 72, 48, 72 hours to kind of shift the internal mindset mindset they got going on and then kind of enhance their presence as leaders and be effective in that area? That's who you speak to, I think, with your work. What would you say to them today?

SPEAKER_00 29:26

So I would tell them if you only had 72 hours and you're listening right now, I would make it my business to leave work uh in the next two hours by six o'clock. And then I turn my phone and my computer off. I would go home, I would cancel any commitments I could this evening, and I would make sure that I had a good meal. And I got myself went to bed early, like eight or nine o'clock. And I give myself like got a good night's rest, and then I would make sure I clean my calendar off in the same way, Wednesday and Thursday, and leave on Friday early if I could. If you got PTO time or pay time off, vacation, whatever you call it, I would try to take it on Friday, and um I would have give myself a longer stretch, get my errands done, and enjoy the weekend, doing nothing. I would give myself a pajama weekend where you just stayed in the house and being whatever you like. You know, I like Hallmark Channel, whatever your thing is. I would and just listen to yourself. You know, if you enjoy spending time with the kids, watch a movie and just relax so that you start the next week more refreshed. And then if you once you feel you can do that, you can do it again.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Dr. Melanie Gray. Her information is in our show notes. So you can find her link there if you want to contact me uh as a coach or podcast host. My link's also in the show notes as well. Thanks again for watching and for listening. That's Dr. Melanie Gray. I'm Mr. U. Thanks again for watching us. Have a great day.