Military Wellness Collective

EP-10: How we learned to ask, listen, and pray each other toward Jesus

• Military Wellness Collective • Episode 10

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What if the best way to grow your spouse’s faith is to stop fixing and start asking? We sit down as two couples—Brittany and Joshua, Kelly and Brian—to share the questions, rhythms, and stories that shifted our marriages from pressure to prayer, from assumptions to honest encouragement. No clichés here—just real moments: a five-year-old soccer team coached like Marines, the difference between productive silence and the silent treatment, and the humbling realization that “help” lands only when it fits who your spouse actually is.

We dig into the power of gentle questions—Have you prayed about it? What’s underneath that?—and why nagging always backfires. Brian unpacks how a “helper suitable,” respectful feedback, and steady prayer formed his leadership. Kelly shares how seeing Brian’s love for Scripture stirred her own hunger for the Word. Brittany and Joshua talk about anger met with a gentle answer, burnout from over-stacked spiritual routines, and learning to time hard conversations so truth can be heard. Along the way, we explore complementarian dynamics without caricature, showing how covenant security creates the safety to be fully honest and actually change.

Military families and anyone navigating distance will find a surprising invitation: let separation sharpen connection. Use deployments and busy seasons to discuss desires, discouragements, and your walk with God—beyond chores and calendars. You’ll leave with two simple questions to use weekly, a better way to name what helps and what hurts, and a renewed vision for marriage as a discipleship partnership shaped by Scripture, patience, and prayer.

If this conversation served you, follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a review with the one question you’ll ask your spouse this week.


SHOW NOTES: 

1. Take a listen to our episode to the WIVES.

2. Take a listen to our episode to the HUSBANDS. 


http://instagram.com/militarywellnesscollective


SPEAKER_05:

Hey y'all, super excited to be here with you. I'm here with my amazing husband Joshua and our friends Kelly and Brian.

SPEAKER_02:

All right. My amazing boyfriend. We have so many adjectives. We don't get adjectives, babe.

SPEAKER_05:

That's right. Fabulous, friends. Our fabulous.

SPEAKER_02:

We are present.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes. And today we're going to talk about encouraging your spouse on their faith journey, through their faith journey and what that looks like. And so we're just going to kick off. I want to ask my husband. This could be loaded, babe. How have I encouraged you on your through your faith journey and what that looks like?

SPEAKER_01:

How have you encouraged me?

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah. Is that the question? All right. Here we go, y'all.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. It feels like a very a question that would take a long time to answer, but to try to keep it brief because I want to ask Brian and Kelly that too.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm going to try to hit the rooftops.

SPEAKER_01:

You have encouraged me through your actions and your words and and your love for our family so much. You have helped me through explaining some of the the mother and woman side of things to me that I don't understand as a guy. You've helped me understand scripture at a deeper level by seeing some of the emotions filled in some of the texts. When we bounce off different scenarios with one another, you've encouraged me through just so much. So as we talk with our kids and we dive into the word together, like you've helped walk through a lot of those things with me. You've encouraged me by supporting the things that we've done, the places we've gone. You've just been there. Instead of shying away, you've always been one to press in. And I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_05:

Thank you, babe. So I want to ask Brian and Kelly the same question. I know this might sound a little crazy to y'all, but we want to share with you how this has played out in our lives, how we've encouraged each other in our faith journeys. Thanks, babe. That was really sweet.

SPEAKER_00:

And as we were talking about it, we were like, you know, I could list these are the ways that I encourage my husband in his faith, but only he can answer what is actually encouraging. So I can try a lot of things, but I don't know what sticks. But I can answer for what Brian, how Brian has encouraged me. I think one of the biggest things is his own faith journey has encouraged me in my faith journey. Seeing his love for the word of God and how he talks about it and is excited about it and shares things with me that he has learned, or questions that he thought of as he was reading, or whatever, that has made me want to read my Bible more and get, you know, just more into it. Also, I think his patience with me in when I am in sin. And just his it's never been like you're wrong. You need to, you know, coming from a heart like that, it's it's been gentle and patient. And I know he has prayed for me. Because, you know, do you ever have those times where you're like, I know I'm wrong, but I'm not willing to. It's pride, you know. Like I don't want to admit it right now. Like I'm mad. I haven't done it. You know, maybe we're having a disagreement, or maybe I'm talking about something that doesn't even, but I really know deep down that I'm wrong. But I just feel like so many times Brian hasn't said probably what was really on his mind. He probably prayed for me first and asked questions. He's really good at asking questions instead of, you know, so he'll say things like, Have you talked to that person about this? Or have you prayed about it? So I think that's been just really good for me. Cause I think any if if there had been, well, you need to do this, my own just rebellious whatever that is would be like, don't tell me what I need. So I've just like really appreciated that. I don't know. I don't even know how to word it really. Maybe you can word it better.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I think there's there's like this no, like the wisdom is when to leave you alone and when to pursue you. And there's really like I mean, both of those are needed because you mentioned patience, and that's me like, uh I can't be the Holy Spirit in her life. I need to allow space for the Holy Spirit to be the Holy Spirit in her life, and so that's the patience, but then also okay, what's really going on? Because you're really good at showing me what the surface is, and so that's why I have to ask questions. Like, okay, what's underneath all this? Yeah, that what's underneath all this?

SPEAKER_00:

So asking questions, I think, is really Brian. How's Kelly encouraged you?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so man, Kelly's an excellent wife. I I wanted an excellent wife, and I didn't know what that meant, and I didn't know how to go about getting one or anything else. I one of the passages that always comes to mind, and I apologize, I don't have the address right now, but he who finds a wife finds a good thing. And Kelly's just been a beautiful example of that. So the first role that the Lord introduces the wife as having is a suitable helper, helpmate suitable, whatever the translation is in Genesis chapter two. And Kelly has really epitomized that role. When she sees me doing something that's unwise, unhelpful, whatever the case is, she is able to speak into that in a helpful way. On the on the whole, she, you know, there's times that it's not perfect. I would mess that up for sure. And sometimes it's it's so many, and it's usually a sentence or two at a time. Like, could you calm down for a second? Could you Yeah?

SPEAKER_00:

I think in parenting, we've definitely had to be right. Parenting's a big one.

SPEAKER_02:

I think that was Hey, when you say that, it has this effect on hey, you know, one just funny example. In hindsight, it was not funny at the time. I I had been back from a combat zone for like three days, and I was coaching like five-year-old youth soccer.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm sorry, that was my fault. I thought Kelly had signed me up for it.

SPEAKER_02:

But anyway, I was very intense, hopefully, hopefully, just very intense and not further than that. But Kelly was like coaching me as I was coaching the team. Like, hey, they're five. Like you could calm down, they're not Marines, like calm down. But anyway, so yeah, helper suitable. Kelly is also from Ephesians 5. She is submissive to me, a very imperfect person. And there are you being the imperfect person. I'm the imperfect person. Yes. She has submitted to me, and I'm very imperfect. Um, and so that has helped me learn, right? So, like, how do you learn how to lead? Well, you're put in leadership positions. I there's some like tricks of the trade of leadership, but really the best way to learn how to lead is to lead. And her allowing me to lead has helped me learn how to lead. And her, like, it's so weird. Like, she's coaching me through how to lead her and love her well. Sometimes, like, even the helper suitable, like, hey, when you when you do this, that makes me feel this way. When you do this, that makes me feel that way, whatever the case is. And then the third big thing. So the first one was helper suitable, submissive is second. And then the third big thing is she's prayed for me. I especially and uniquely felt this on my first two deployments that she was actively praying for me. And that's just grown over the years. That was just kind of the origin of all of it. And I wasn't in a great place, those first two deployments, in my faith and in my walk with the Lord, even though I was a Christian. And she probably knew that, and she determined to pray for me instead of nag me and bug me and pester me and all those types of things. And so that's really, really helpful. Praying instead of nagging. So maybe on the contrary, is like she's not a nager usually, and that's a really good thing. A nagging wife is really condemned in the scriptures, especially in proverbs, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Like it continue on dripping.

SPEAKER_01:

The same thing about Britney and the and the big thing about the nagging thing is it gets the exact opposite result of what you're trying to accomplish when you do it. So but yeah, yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_02:

So, Brittany, does Joshua have any redeemable qualities?

SPEAKER_04:

Yes, lots of them.

SPEAKER_01:

I just it was kind of weird that I had to ask you what Well, and I'm also sitting here, and as I'm listening, I'm I'm thinking of all these other things. Since I went first, I was like, No, no, it's always hard to go first. And I was like, man, I got so many other things I want to say, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_05:

One thing I appreciate about Joshua is I always think of I think it's in First Peter when he talks about communicating with a gentle and respectful spirit. And Joshua has never I know we can't say never because we're none of us are perfect to ever never do anything, but a majority of the time has not been an angry husband. He's been gentle with me and speaks in a respectful tone and just images Christ to me in that way. And it's encouraged my heart as I struggled and wrestled through anger issues early on in our marriage. I can just think of one time in particular, one of our first fights after being a believer, and I was like screaming, and he was so patient and said, if you just want to go sit down for a minute, and then we could talk, and I lost my mind. Like, I'm not a child. And then he's like, I don't understand. Do you want me to yell at you? No, you know, and then I'm like, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank God we're fast at the beginning when you're trying to figure out.

SPEAKER_05:

But even then, when we were so young, he's just had a very steady, gentle spirit. And I've appreciated that's made it easy for me to follow him. He is a good leader, he leads well, he asks good questions to lead. And I haven't always followed perfectly because I had an image in my mind and expectation of what I thought leadership would look like, and maybe didn't always appreciate the gentleness that he led with, yet firmness. I probably thought it did need to look like yelling. I don't know. Thank God he knew better. He definitely has shown me what it's like to love the Lord with all my heart and to remain on mission. He brings me back often, even within our home and raising kids, like encouraging me that this isn't wasted time, that I'm raising arrows, that their discipleship is just as important and to live in the season I'm in. There's so many ways that Joshua has encouraged me in my faith. Definitely prayer.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

What a what a great word, encouragement. That's probably all the way around is encouragement. When someone is doing something difficult and all of our roles are difficult. When somebody's doing something difficult and someone else comes alongside and says, I see that what you're doing is difficult, but you're doing a good thing, and I just want to encourage you in that. That is so life-giving. Yes. So life-giving. It's way more life-giving than like you should stop doing that, or you should escape from that, or jumping into complaining with the person about how hard it is, or whatever the case is. So encouragement is such a good word.

SPEAKER_00:

And you have to be intentional with that, because I think especially, you know, you just can see each other's sins way more than your own sometimes. And you get hyper-focused on that. And so just making that a regular practice.

SPEAKER_05:

So this is gonna be a little bit of a tougher question, or be real honest with each other. Are there any ways that were not helpful that did discourage you?

SPEAKER_00:

Brian. I'm a big girl.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, Joshua said it's hard to go first, and so I'll go first. Early in our marriage, Kelly did this thing called the silent treatment. And not, you know, our last episode was about journaling, and it wasn't a productive silent treatment. If it was nowadays, if she's not ready to talk about something, she will go and pray and journal and read scripture. And I know not to interrupt her in that. But early on, the silent treatment, like there's an unhealthy silent treatment.

SPEAKER_00:

I really did it, and I really there's a healthy version of silence.

SPEAKER_02:

There really is, but there's also an unhealthy version of silence, and it takes wisdom to know which one you're in. But she had an unhealthy version of the silent treatment that was unhelpful because I was left guessing, and I would even ask, like, How are you doing? I'm fine, what's going on? I nothing, don't worry, you know, just and it wasn't even that harsh a tone. But I was left guessing, and guess what? I was always wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

I know when we would actually start talking, I realized he really didn't know. But I think the whole reason I was quiet was like he should know.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I should read my mind. Yeah, it doesn't work.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I it's funny. I like I think of one thing, but I think part of it is my own insecurity in this too. But I think early on, and just especially when we were both growing in our faith, maybe at a more I don't want to say rapid pace. It's not the word I'm I'm just better trajectory.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. There is no there's a season that we were there's slow growth in the Christian life, and then there's more accelerated growth in the Christian life, and we actually are desiring people to be more accelerated.

SPEAKER_00:

So as we were starting like getting more involved in ministry and then even your call to plan a church, whatever, I felt that there were times, and and again, this could have been like my own insecurity in my giftings that the Lord's given me. But there were times that like your gifts were you were encouraging me to do things that I wasn't gifted in. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03:

So true.

SPEAKER_00:

And I but I eventually figured out how to verbalize that to you. But I felt like you No, not that you ever came and said you should do this, but you were pushing me towards something that you're gifted in, like teaching and I know I teach math, but like speaking into microphones. Yes, exactly. Here we are. You should do all these leadership things because I do it. No, you know, not that you ever said that, but in my head, because I'm insecure about all that, I guess. I so I don't know how much that was me, how much that was you, but I think me talking about it helped us have a conversation where I could say, I feel like you know, you want me to do these things that you're gifted in, but God has gifted me in different areas. And just even having that conversation, like, man, what are how can I serve the Lord in ministry, you know? Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I think trying to figure out who is this woman that God has created and what of this is I need to draw out who God has created her to be, like I'm seeing some things, or is it I really want her to step into this role for some other reason? And so just really trying to differentiate that, and that's yeah, that's a real challenge.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, I I think that's a good point to know, even on the woman's side, sometimes what we think we want, we don't know what we're asking for. And we have this expectation. And then if they don't meet that expectation, but they're walking in what God created them to be, and from my perspective, lead our family, then I need to allow him to lead as God's leading him, not like what I see Sunday morning from the pulpit or what I think that should look like. So I think that's good. I'll go next. Go ahead. Since you went first last time, I would say early on, it was you would hold a lot of things. Joshua would hold a lot of things close to his chest. He wasn't as quick to communicate how he felt, and he wouldn't communicate it until it was really bothering him. And I am the exact opposite, where I am like, slay the dragon and kill it now. Like bring it out in the open, drag it out here. And that probably on the adverse was not helpful for him. But it was unhelpful for me because I just had so many thoughts in my mind of like, are we not connected? Am I not being a good enough wife? And it was it was not the silent treatment, because I was really good at giving the silent treatment too. It but it was a distance, and then it made me pull away. So I'm thankful that we've grown in that through just communicating and being able to be open with one another more. But I don't know. So that was unhelpful to me. I didn't know how he felt.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I was I don't know how to I was an internal processor, I'll say that.

SPEAKER_03:

And I'm external.

SPEAKER_01:

For for Brittany, uh this might sound like a humble brag, but it's not. She has gotten into this like very structured, she does things day in and day out, and she is like she wants to be like all of the things in the home. And so, and for the kids and like the mom and doing all the things, so all of that can become a bit much. And and I'm not I'm not saying that she's like Miss Suzy Homemaker, like perfect all the time and that kind of thing, but what I'm saying is that led to a little bit of burnout on her end, but she was the last to see it. So it would affect everything throughout the day. So trying to walk through that well to get her to slow down on a few things and just like, no, you don't need to do there was a point in time. I'll just this will be quick, but it was she was she basically like got a journal, like we talked about last time, which is great. But then she would get some information on how to journal like extensively, and then she'd get a Bible study that she would do her Bible study, but then she had a Bible reading plan, but then she also had her prayer time, but then she also had her prayer calendar, but then she also had this other like thing that somebody sent her on some blog or whatever. So instead of going, hey, I'm gonna do one of these at a time or two of these at a time, she just stacked them all up. And so she was spent and the way she was able to fit that into her day is she was like, I'll just sleep less. And and then that created, you know, a situation where she was just tired and and it was yeah, that was that was discouraging in in a whole bunch of different ways. Thankfully, we we've we we we're kind of working through that. We worked through a lot of it, but it was uh a while ago. But uh that's a tendency. She she loves to do so much, she just wants to go.

SPEAKER_05:

And the problem can be is I try to drag everybody with me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah. Like everybody be high capacity.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Like, yeah. Brittany and I, if you're not picking up on this, find comfort in our lives by structuring our lives and then trying to structure everyone around us.

SPEAKER_00:

Some people don't want all that. Kelly and Joshua I like to fly by the seat of my pants. Like, come on, let's go.

SPEAKER_02:

Kelly and Joshua are less like that. And so I just want to show when we say complementarian, the Lord so often complements our personalities of that, right? And so, like, I think it's good that we're not married to somebody exactly like us.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02:

That would be chaos. Can you imagine?

SPEAKER_00:

And through this, like as we're talking, you know, we we're as we communicate and talk about these hard things, we get to know our spouse and where they are. And you have to, yeah, take your eyes off yourself and figure out your spouse and not put your own expectations or your own desires on them. Like, who are you and how can I bring out who God's made you? I feel like you're good at that. Like I feel that when you ask questions and help me, it's like you want me to grow in the Lord and grow in my faith.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So as you learn about one another's personalities, you learn about how to address those things with the other spouse because you know how they will receive it. When when I addressed some of Brittany's like going at so many things first thing in the morning for so long that she was missing out on a lot of sleep, I realized she needed to have a an intentional space that she had some open time to actually think about what I was saying. So we I waited until we were up in a retreat in the mountains with nothing around.

SPEAKER_05:

On a seven mile hike.

SPEAKER_01:

I was like, I was like, honey, I need to talk to you about something. We're gonna walk and then I'm gonna go back because I knew she had to be away from everything else in order to process that one. Because you know her, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Getting to know her and what's best for her.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I like it.

SPEAKER_02:

So Ecclesiastes four is a passage that is quite often read in our wedding ceremonies. It says, two are better than one. And a lot of times we could boil down so many of our arguments and disagreements in marriage into this idea and this mindset of why can't you be more like me? As though I am the standard of perfection. And then her response is, why can't you be more like me, as though she's the standard of perfection? But Jesus tells us, well, not in Ecclesiastes, Jesus isn't there yet, but the the Bible tells us, and uh the preacher in Ecclesiastes tells us, no, two are better than one. And what's happening is we we actually grow better as we learn from one another and grow together and grow more like Christ.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and part of that is seeing each other's sin and confessing it to one another, I think. That's something we haven't talked about yet, but I definitely think that's part of our faith is learning how to do that hard work of confessing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

To one that's really good. Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

Another episode, confessing sin. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

Can you write that down?

SPEAKER_02:

That'd be fun. That would be fun. That would be so funny. But so important. Yeah, yeah. Confessing and forgiveness.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, for sure. I just want to do a quick shout out for this episode to a girlfriend of mine who I just had this conversation with. Her husband's deployed. Like, I'm having lots of these conversations. How do we encourage one another? And what I hope y'all are taking from this episode is ask your spouse what is encouraging to you? What is discouraging? What am I doing that maybe you feel like I am nagging you? I have had to ask Joshua that early on in our marriage when I thought he should lead a certain way. I would leave out little prompts or put the book in his chair. Like, are you gonna read this? You know? And and I had to learn from a wiser older woman that said to me, Brittany, you're probably discouraging him. He's a man who is a sinful, broken human who probably feels like he doesn't know how to lead well. He wants to lead, and all you're doing is shoving that in his face. Like, pull back. So ask your spouse if you're listening to this, if you're a wife, ask your husband if they're deployed, what would be helpful while you're deployed? If they're home, what's helpful while you're home? And then, husband, ask your wife. Like, how can you be an encouragement to her while you're gone? What is encouraging? So hopefully that's what you're taking away from this and our testimonies of that.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's such a good way to spend your time together. Yes. Doing that. I think so many times we can, I don't know. I mean, couples spend time together doing all kinds of things that maybe aren't the best, like watch binge watching shows. We do have shows that we watch. It's not like we don't watch shows, but I mean, just that intentional time asking those good questions.

SPEAKER_02:

How can I help you in this season? Yes. Or in this moment, and how can I pray for you? Yes. Just let's ask those two questions all the time.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, I think that's fantastic. And I also think prepare your heart to be ready to receive the answer. Maybe what you think you're doing is that's helpful. Maybe it's really not helpful. And like Brian said, yeah, you're thinking from your own perspective, this would be helpful to me. Ready for the answer. And be ready for the adverse. When you say, What are you doing? Is there anything I'm doing that's unhelpful in this moment? Be okay to receive that and know that you're asking, and he's telling you in love because and you want to love him well, or vice versa.

SPEAKER_01:

And in a military context, we're apart a lot.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

And when we're apart, we can see this as a time when it's like a drag and our relationship goes through like a lull. And that is the absolute wrong way to look at a deployment, or a wrong way to look at a time apart. This is a time when you can be so intentional about your actual like um connection.

SPEAKER_00:

Talk about things you don't usually have time to. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So your your life isn't busy with paying the bills, running the kids to and from spoccer and taking the dog for a walk or whatever the case, like all of the things that fill up your day. When you talk to each other, you can actually be intentional about your feelings, your emotions, your loves, your desires, your your sins, your discouragements, your all of the things that we were just talking about. You can actually dive into about what you really are feeling and thinking and and what your spiritual walk is looking like without all the distractions. And this is one of those things where a lot of people miss on deployments. They just try to get through it and in and they they lean on those random little things that keep them busy throughout the day instead of really leaning into each other. And a deployment is a great time to do that.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, and I mean when we talk about what's encouraging on your spiritual journey, that deployment is part of your journey and your spiritual life is gonna look different on that journey. And so how can we be helpful to one another?

SPEAKER_02:

I think we'd be remiss if we didn't mention something that we're assuming throughout this entire episode. The safety of the covenant of marriage is the place that all this can actually happen. If I'm constantly looking at the door to get out of the marriage, this doesn't work. And if I'm constantly in fear that my spouse is looking for the door and about to leave the marriage, this doesn't work. So the underlying thing for all of this is a covenant biblical marriage. And so double down on your commitment. Just don't even like close the door, brought block in the door, cement bricks. Like we don't there's let's not escape, let's not run away from this thing. Let's let's double down and figure this thing out.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, because once both. Of you realize you're both in it until death to us part. Everything you say and do within that relationship, you can be actually fully honest, and that's where you actually get to true healing and growth together. It's beautiful. You're in it to win. It's almost like God meant it to be that way.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah. So good. It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01:

And I say almost as in that's the way God meant it to be able to do that. You're being sarcastic. Yes.

SPEAKER_05:

So some quick takeaways from this episode. Ask your spouse how you can encourage them. Also, what's discouraging? And we're talking about spiritual journey. Ask your spouse how you can pray for them. Ask your spouse if you're struggling to read your Bible. Is there a way I can encourage you to read your Bible? Or tell your spouse you need help reading your Bible. Just talk with one another. And like the guys mentioned, covenant and marriage. There's so many things we could say on this topic, but we are coming to a close. Does anybody have any final thoughts they want to throw out there?

SPEAKER_00:

I would say just open your heart to what the Lord has to teach you and grow you in. That's really good.

SPEAKER_02:

Find a local church and hang around marriages that are healthier than yours.

SPEAKER_05:

Good.

SPEAKER_01:

And read your Bible together and talk about it together, especially when you're apart.

SPEAKER_05:

So, so good. Thank you all for joining us. We look forward to seeing you back here again. Bye.