Ex-tras: How to handle change when you both move on

How do you navigate things with your ex when new partners come into the picture? 

In this bitesize ex-tras episode, Kate shares practical tips for managing your relationship as you both move on, from acknowledging change to setting clear boundaries.

Only have a few minutes? This is a short, focused listen designed to fit into a busy day. Available exclusively for amicable space members.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to Amicable Extras, the bonus feed from the team behind the Divorce Podcast. This is your space for deeper dives, extra stories, and honest answers to questions you didn't know you could ask. Each episode features behind-the-scenes insights, extended interviews, and expert answers to your most burning questions about separation, co-parenting, dating after divorce, and everything in between. Because sometimes it's the extras that matter most. Today in this exclusive extras bite-sized episode, I'll share practical tips for navigating your relationship with your ex as you move into new relationships. Here are some tips to get you started. First of all, acknowledge the change. It's important not to gloss over changes in new relationships. Change is normal and inevitably one or both of you will move on and meet new partners. So keeping the communication flowing and not having to tell your partner every time you go out on a date, but once a relationship becomes a little bit established, just letting your partner know that you're seeing somebody who's important can really help to seed the change and normalize that behavior. You don't really want to be in a situation where your kids or somebody else in your family or friends group is telling your partner that they've seen you out several times with a new man or woman. So make sure you acknowledge that change and you address it directly head on. Linking to that is setting some boundaries. So agreeing with your ex on how and when you'll communicate changes. Now, if you're doing this at the time when you're separating or divorcing and neither of you have got new partners, that is going to be a lot easier. So one of the things we always say to people is try and have these conversations when they're not in the moment happening now and pressing. So if you can talk about how you're going to communicate to each other, what the rules are going to be when you meet a new partner, if you can do that before it's happened, then that's great. It will help the conversation no end. But if you can't and you need to do it whilst that's in flight and it's actually happening, then picking a special time to go out on your own or to have a separate conversation on your own with your ex is a good way to set some boundaries, tell them what's happening, and agree how you want to communicate about it in future. It's really important to respect new partners. And it's really important that you have to manage that. You can't expect your new partner just to seamlessly fit in and then build a relationship with your ex or their new partner. So you've got to be the person who is showing and modeling respect towards the new person. So you're trying here to strike the balance. You don't need to be best friends with them, you don't need to be involved with them, but you're trying to build a courteous and respectful relationship where possible. It's inevitable that there's going to be some confusion, they won't get everything right, but try not to judge too harshly. Try and take that, okay, it didn't work well, that wasn't what I wanted you to say, or that's not how I wanted you to behave around my kids. But try to be open to the fact that people will inevitably make mistakes. You can reframe your perspective too. So emphasize the positives over the threats. This person is never going to replace you as the parent. And if you can get that firmly established in your own sort of hearts and minds, then that will help. But perhaps it's a great thing that somebody else is coming into your child's life who's going to support and love them, or who will bring a different skill set, or will have different hobbies or ideas to share with your child. So if you can reframe it in that way, in a positive way, then that will help the transition. And remember, the biggest thing is always self-care. So allow yourself to feel discombobulated or upset or whatever. Don't try and brush it under the carpet. You have every right to feel how you feel. And you can seek support if you think you're going to feel stuck in those emotions for a longer period of time. So look after yourself and make sure you can acknowledge what's going on, even if it's not a really clear story yet in your own mind of how you feel or want to behave around this person. Don't forget, divorce and separation are a really modelled time. You don't need a perfect narrative. You don't need to know exactly how you're going to feel. It's enough just to be feeling the feelings. If you've got kids, remember to try and prioritize their well-being. Kids will pick up on tension even if they don't have the words for it. So aim for calm and positive interactions. Don't call out the other partner in front of the kids. Keep difficult conversations away from their ears and try and pick a time when you can meet separately to discuss how you want things to be. You need to communicate these changes to your children, but it's better if you have a chat with your ex first about how and when to tell kids about new partners or if there are going to be new additions to the families, like a new baby. Trying to keep routines steady is also a good way because that makes kids feel safe. So stability and schedules help kids adjust. So trying to keep those things in place when you're introducing a new partner will have a very positive impact. And don't forget this point about positive role modeling. So showing respect for the new partner is really key. You want to teach healthy relationships, and you don't want to give kids the impression that you feel threatened by the new partner. Support emotional expression, let kids ask questions, let them express their feelings and reassure them. And remember, with kids, you obviously have to have these conversations time and time and again. They're not one-off conversations. It's not like one and done. You have to keep going back and keep picking up on the points that they raise. I hope those tips are useful to you. Don't forget we're here to answer your burning questions. So please ask away via the forum. And me and my expert guests will do our very best to get the answers to you. Thank you everyone for listening. See you next time.