# 33 - Why Is Everything a Meeting? AuDHD, Workplace Culture, and Breaking the “We’ve Always Done It This Way” Cycle

In this episode of Quietly Autistic at Last, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a question so many people think but rarely say out loud: why is everything a meeting?

Through a psychological lens, this episode unpacks how neurotypical systems rely on meetings for connection, visibility, and structure, and why those same environments can feel overwhelming, draining, and inequitable for autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD individuals. From cognitive overload and masking to the hidden energy cost before, during, and after meetings, this conversation validates an experience many quietly endure.

You’ll also explore the deeper psychology behind “we’ve always done it this way,” including cognitive ease, groupthink, and status quo bias, and how these patterns keep inefficient systems in place.

This episode offers not only insight, but gentle, realistic shifts toward more inclusive communication, reminding you that struggling in these environments is not a personal failure, it’s information about the system itself.

If you’ve ever felt drained before the day even begins, or wondered why something so “normal” feels so difficult, this episode is for you.

Support & Resource Guide

Autism Resources

• Autistic Self Advocacy Network
  Resources created by and for autistic individuals, focusing on self-advocacy, rights, and community.
• Autism Society
  Offers education, local support networks, and resource referrals.
• Autism Speaks
  Provides toolkits and information, though perspectives on this organization may vary within the autistic community.

ADHD Resources

• CHADD
  Evidence-based education, support groups, and tools for managing ADHD.
• ADDitude Magazine
  Articles, webinars, and practical strategies for ADHD across the lifespan.

AuDHD & Neurodivergent-Affirming Resources

• NeuroClastic
  A platform centering autistic voices, including lived experiences of overlapping identities like AuDHD.
• The Neurodivergent Collective
  Education, advocacy, and affirming resources for multiple neurotypes.

Mental Health & Crisis Support

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
  Call or text 988 (U.S.) for free, confidential support 24/7. You can also chat via 988lifeline.org.
  If you're outside the U.S., consider looking up local crisis lines in your country.

Gentle Reminder

These resources are here to support, not define you. Every autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD experience is different. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and trust your own understanding of yourself.

Transcript

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Welcome back to Quietly Autistic at Last, where we explore the psychology, lived experience, and quiet realizations that come with discovering autism and ADHD later in life. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli. And today's episode is one that so many people feel but don't always speak up about or have the right words for in the moment. And it starts with a simple but loaded thought. Why is everything a meeting? And please note every autistic and Aud experience is unique, and this episode reflects general patterns and perspectives, but your experience may look and feel different, and that is valid. And if something resonates, take it with you. If something doesn't, that does not make your experience any less real. And if you've ever sat in a meeting thinking this could have been an email, or felt your energy drain before the meeting even started, or found yourself overwhelmed trying to track multiple conversations while also figuring out when you're supposed to speak, sometimes because other performative people won't stop talking and you can feel your soul draining from your body, this conversation is for you. So today we're unpacking why neurotypical systems rely so heavily on meetings and what that feels like for autistic, ADHD, or Aud individuals. That's me, and how we can begin to challenge the deeply ingrained mindset of we've always done it this way. And this is not about blaming people, this is about understanding systems, because once we understand systems, we can start to question them. And once we question them, we can begin to change them. So let's start with the question itself: why are there so many meetings? From a psychological and cultural perspective, meetings serve several functions in neurotypical dominant environments. First, they provide social reinforcement. Meetings are not just about exchanging information, they are about connection. And they create shared attention, real-time interaction, and a sense of being collectively engaged. For many neurotypical individuals, processing is external. They think out loud, they clarify through conversation, and they feel more confident when ideas are discussed in real time. So meetings become a space where thinking happens collaboratively and visibly. And if you're lucky, your attendance gets rewarded with a donut and a small cup of coffee. Second, meetings reinforce the idea that visibility equals value. In many workplaces, being seen contributing verbally, offering input, and participating in discussions is unconsciously equated with being productive or competent. It kind of becomes a performance of engagement. We all know who the performative coworkers are. The person, or I can think of several examples, guaranteed to speak at length or at inappropriate times, or just as the meeting is getting dismissed. They usually contribute just to contribute, often repeating something that was already said, and sometimes, just sometimes, if we're lucky, this person was also late and the first to leave at the end of the day. And now they are taking up our time by repeating the first part of the meeting conversation that they missed, or they were engaged in a side conversation while the boss was speaking, and the rest of us are supposed to listen to their performative nonsense? How am I the only person seeing this? Or the only person upset about this? Upset at having my time wasted when I could have been doing a hundred other productive things and kept some of my energy to get through the day. Oh, and this person, the performative one, usually has an easier schedule than the rest of us. They don't have to stay as late and they arrive late, so of course they are energized to give their performance in the meeting. But back to the functions of meetings in neurotypical dominant environments. The third is that meetings offer a sense of control and predictability. There is structure in knowing there's a weekly check-in or a standing meeting. Even if it's not the most efficient method, it feels organized, and that feeling of organization can be psychologically reassuring. But talk to your autistic ADHD and Audes. It most likely does not feel this way. It's like starting the day or week being asked to walk through a minefield that you've walked through a hundred times, detonated several bombs, and the discharge bombs have been replenished with new bombs, and the sisopian task goes on week after week, year after year, until you end up so fed up, drained, discouraged, angry, and harmed that two hots in a cot, your weekend or day off, don't even put a chip in the damage and healing from what constantly drains you can never begin. Remember, you can't heal in a place that keeps asking you to pretend you weren't hurt. And finally, when it comes to these neurotypical meetings, there's the underlying force of tradition. The phrase we've always done it this way is less about logic and more about comfort. Systems repeat what feels familiar, even when it no longer serves the people within them. Now let's shift perspectives because what feels normal or even helpful in these environments can feel completely different for autistic ADHD and AwDHD individuals. Meetings are not neutral experiences. For many AwDHD brains, meetings can create cognitive overload. And my staff meetings are a hellscape for people like me. I do know, in fact, there are several of us, and certainly more who haven't spoken up. And there's usually music playing, which is cool. I love a good vibe, but it's a trick. I'm always early so I can settle in. That's just part of my stuff, and may not be the same for everyone. Then slowly people will trickle in and the volume in the room starts to go up, and the people are talking over the music, and then there's more people who show up and they start talking over the people, talking over the people who are talking over the music, and then the performative people show up. They're the loudest of all, because they want everyone to know that they've arrived, even though they usually don't have anything interesting or meaningful to contribute. So naturally they begin talking about other people in the room and lack the understanding that voices carry, even over the music and the people talking over the music, and the people talking over the people who are talking over the music. And you're not just listening, you're processing multiple speakers, filtering background noise, tracking the flow of conversation, interpreting tone, reading social cues, and trying to understand when it's your turn to speak all at the same time. And we're surprised when autistic burnout follows this. Such a setting, and there are many, can feel like trying to follow five conversations at once while translating each one in real time. Not to mention the filtering of side conversations distracting from the main speaker. Before, my description was before the actual meeting even started. And there's also the issue of processing speed and style. Many Audivals process internally and often after the moment has passed. Meetings, however, demand immediate responses. They reward quick thinking and spontaneous verbal contributions. So you might sit there knowing you have something meaningful to say, but your brain needs time to organize it. Or the moment gets usurped by the same performer over and over. Then two hours later, for you, the perfect response shows up long after the meeting has ended. And don't forget about the energy component, which is often invisible to others. Meetings don't just take energy while they're happening. There's the anticipation beforehand where your nervous system might already be bracing. And I probably mentioned in another episode that I tried to explain to another neurotypical coworker about the music and loud talking and how awful that additional extraneous load was. And she just laughed at me. It was one of those moments where you think, wow, this person really doesn't get it. And no matter how much I try to explain it, they still aren't going to get it. And this is the point where you kind of decide that it's easier just to keep quiet. It's not right, but spinning my wheels is just going to further drain my energy, and I'm going to end up drowning before the meeting is even over. And that brings us back to the effort during the meeting, when you're focusing, masking, and managing input. And then there's the aftermath where you might feel drained, foggy, or even irritable. Meetings often occur at the beginning of the day, thus draining you for the remainder, which is significant if you're a teacher. We still have the entire rest of the day left, and it is unpredictable. And this isn't just about being introverted, it's about the combination of sensory input, social processing, and executive function demands all hitting at once. And layered on top of that is masking. Meetings often come with unspoken expectations around eye contact, body language, tone, timing, and engagement. And don't even get me started on the icebreaker games, scavenger hunts for adults, or other activities whose sole purpose is to burn the clock for the presenter and give the performers another stage. For the rest of us, this is hell, but we're treated with a one-size-fits-all mentality, which you don't see being applied to students or customers. And for many Audivals, these meaning behaviors are not automatic. They require conscious effort. So instead of simply participating in a discussion, you're performing a version of yourself that fits the environment, and that performance has a cost. And then we zoom out, this becomes more than just a personal discomfort. It becomes an issue of equity. When systems prioritize real-time verbal processing and frequent meetings, they unintentionally disadvantage people who think differently, who need time to process, or who communicate more effectively and writing. And that would be me. So the question shifts from why do I struggle with meetings? to why are systems built in a way that only supports one style of thinking? Teachers, we certainly wouldn't do this to our students. And that brings us back to the phrase, we've always done it this way. Psychologically, this phrase is rooted in cognitive ease, groupthink, and status quo bias. So quick review cognitive ease refers to the brain's preference for what feels familiar and effortless. When something is repeated over time, it requires less mental energy to continue doing it than to question or change it. And even if a system is inefficient, it can still feel right simply because it's known. Change, on the other hand, requires effort, uncertainty, and new learning, which the brain naturally resists. And groupthink happens when people in a group prioritize harmony and agreement over critical thinking. Instead of questioning whether something is effective, individuals go along with the collective norm to avoid conflict or standing out. Over time, this reinforces existing practices, not because they are the best choice, but because they are the accepted one. And status quo bias is the tendency to prefer things to stay the same even when better options exist. There's a psychological comfort in maintaining current conditions because change introduces risk and unpredictability. So even if a new approach, like fewer meetings or more asynchronous communication, might be more effective, people often default to what already exists simply because it feels safer. And together these patterns create systems that repeat themselves, not necessarily because they work best, but because they feel easiest, most accepted, and least disruptive to maintain. And familiar systems require less effort. People tend to conform to what the group accepts, and there's a natural preference for maintaining what already exists, even if it's flawed. And change introduces uncertainty, and uncertainty can feel uncomfortable. So meetings continue not always because they are effective, but because they are familiar and accepted. But the good news is that change doesn't require tearing everything down. It can start with small intentional shifts. One of the simplest changes is asking whether a meeting is actually necessary. Can this information be shared in an email? Could a shared document accomplish the same goal more efficiently? And written communication allows for clarity, reduces pressure, and gives people time to process. However, while shifting from meetings to written communication can be helpful, it can also backfire for all DHD individuals in ways that aren't always immediately visible. What is often framed as simpler or more efficient can actually introduce a different kind of cognitive and emotional load. Written communication removes the pressure of responding in real time, but it often replaces it with the pressure to organize thoughts clearly, choose the right wording, anticipate how the message will be interpreted, and edit for tone and completeness. For an ADHD brain, this can quickly turn a short email into something that feels mentally overwhelming, filled with second guessing and overthinking. Instead of thinking, I'll just send this quickly, it can become, did I explain this right? Is this too much? Am I being misunderstood? And executive functioning can also play a role in how this shift backfires. What appears to be a simple task can involve multiple steps that are difficult to initiate and complete. Starting the message, organizing thoughts, staying focused, finishing it, and actually sending it can feel like a full cognitive process rather than a quick action. And this can lead to procrastination, avoidance, or starting tasks without finishing them, creating a quiet buildup of stress over time. What was intended to reduce pressure can instead create a lingering sense of unfinished responsibility. And another layer is the lack of immediate feedback. In meetings, even if they are overwhelming, there are still real-time cues like facial expressions, tone of voice, and opportunities for clarification. Written communication removes those cues, which can increase uncertainty. After sending a message, there can be a period of waiting that allows the mind to spiral into questions like, did I say something wrong? Or are they interpreting this negatively? And for ADHD individuals who may already have a history of being misunderstood, this lack of feedback can feel especially destabilizing. Tone misinterpretation also becomes a greater risk. Without nonverbal cues, even clear and efficient communication can be perceived as too blunt, too cold, or too intense. And this often leads to increased masking in written form where individuals feel the need to overexplain, add disclaimers, or soften their language excessively to avoid being misread. Instead of reducing effort, the communication simply shifts into a different kind of performance, one that requires constant monitoring of how the message might be perceived. In addition, written communication can create its own form of information overload. Long email threads, multiple shared documents, and ongoing comment chains can become visually and cognitively overwhelming. And for individuals with ADHD, filtering, prioritizing, and organizing this information can be difficult, turning what was meant to simplify communication into a constant stream of input that is hard to manage. Instead of one concentrated moment of overwhelm in a meeting, it becomes a prolonged and dispersed form of overwhelm across different platforms. There is also the unspoken expectation of constant accessibility that often comes with written communication. And when everything is digital, there can be pressure to respond quickly, stay available, and keep up with ongoing messages. This can blur boundaries and contribute to burnout, especially for Audivals who are already using significant energy to navigate communication demands. And the reality is that written communication can be more inclusive, but only when it is implemented with flexibility and awareness. If it becomes the default or the only acceptable way to communicate, it can recreate the same kind of rigidity that made meetings difficult in the first place. And the goal is not to replace meetings with emails, but to recognize that different brains process information in different ways. The real issue is not the format itself, but when one style of processing becomes the expectation for everyone. And another shift is offering asynchronous options. Not everyone needs to engage at the same time to contribute meaningfully. Recorded updates, shared notes, and collaborative documents allow people to participate in ways that align with how they think. And when meetings are necessary, having a clear agenda can make a significant difference. And knowing the purpose, the topics, and the expected outcomes reduces uncertainty and cognitive load. And another powerful shift is normalizing delayed input. Simply saying, feel free to follow up after you've had time to think creates space for different processing styles. And perhaps most importantly, we can begin to question the default. Instead of assuming a meeting is the best approach, we can ask what is actually the most effective way to handle the situation. For those of you listening who are navigating environments where meetings are still the norm, there are ways to support yourself within that reality. Things like preparing ahead of time when possible can help you feel more grounded. Reviewing agendas or jotting down your thoughts beforehand can reduce the pressure to think on the spot. I know that's not always possible. And giving yourself permission to follow up after a meeting is also important. You do not have to perform in real time to be capable or insightful. And reducing sensory load where you can, whether that's turning off your camera if you're online, or taking notes to anchor your attention, can also help. And perhaps most importantly, honoring the impact these environments have on your nervous system matters. If meetings have you feeling drained, that is not a personal failure. That is information. Your experience is valid and your needs are real. So maybe the issue isn't that you're bad at meetings, maybe the issue is that the systems you're in were not designed with your brain and mind. And when you start to shift that perspective, something changes. You move from self-blame to awareness, from questioning yourself to questioning structure. Meetings are not inherently bad, but they are not neutral either. They are built around certain ways of thinking and communicating. And when those ways become the default, other ways get overlooked. So this is your reminder that you are not difficult for needing clarity, you are not disengaged for needing time, and you are not less capable for processing differently. You are navigating systems that were built without considering all minds. And that doesn't mean you need to change who you are. Sometimes it means the system needs to evolve. Okay, so there you have it. If this episode resonated with you, just know you're not alone in this experience. There are so many people quietly navigating the same exhaustion, the same confusion, and the same realization that maybe the issue was never their ability, but the environment itself. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for continuing to learn about yourself in a world that doesn't always make it easy. I'm Dr. Allison Sukamelli, and this is Quietly Autistic at Last, where understanding yourself isn't about becoming someone new, it's about finally seeing who you've been all along. And you can listen wherever you get your podcasts, and if this episode spoke to you, consider sharing it with someone who might need to. Hear it too. And as always, this podcast is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. And every autistic and odd DHD experience is unique. Take care, and I will see you next week.