# 36 - The Inauthenticity Meter: When You Feel What Others Don’t See

In this episode of Quietly Autistic at Last, Dr. Allison Sucamele introduces the concept of the inauthenticity meter, a deeply intuitive, nervous-system-based awareness of emotional incongruence - when words, tone, and energy don’t align. While often dismissed as overthinking or sensitivity, this experience is rooted in pattern recognition, perception, and attunement that many autistic individuals navigate daily. 

This episode breaks down the psychological and social dynamics behind inauthentic communication, the disconnect between neurotypical social norms and autistic processing, and the emotional toll of sensing what others ignore. We also explore masking, internalized doubt, nervous system responses, and why direct communication often feels safer and more regulating. 

You’ll walk away with a deeper understanding of your internal signals, along with grounding strategies and reflections to help you support your nervous system, trust your perception, and seek spaces where authenticity is the norm, not the exception. 

If you’ve ever felt like you were noticing something others couldn’t name, this episode will remind you, you’re not too much, you might just be perceiving more.

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Disclaimer: Every autistic and AuDHD experience is unique. This episode is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are in the United States and need support, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, for free, confidential help.

Transcript

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Welcome back to Quietly Autistic at Last, the podcast where we explore the lived experiences, inner worlds, and the quiet truths of being autistic, especially for those who came to that understanding later in life. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli. And if you've ever walked into a room and immediately felt something was off, even when everything looked fine on the surface, this episode is for you. If you've ever listened to someone speak and thought, that doesn't match what they actually feel, or something about this interaction isn't real, this episode is for you. And if you've ever felt exhausted, confused, or even dysregulated by the dynamics that no one else seems to notice or question, you are not alone. Today we're talking about something I'm calling the inauthenticity meter. But first, a kind reminder that every autistic and Audience is unique. There is no single way to think, feel, communicate, or move through the world as a neurodivergent person. What resonates for one individual may not reflect another's reality, and that diversity matters. This content is meant to offer insight and validation, not to define or generalize the full range of autistic or awe DHD experiences. And if you're questioning, feel confused, or wondering about your experience, it can help to talk it through with a qualified professional, like a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or clinician who has experience with neurodivergence, especially in adults and women. Such a professional can offer a more nuanced and informed perspective. You might also consider seeking a second opinion if something doesn't feel right or fully understood. And it can be helpful to bring your own observations into those conversations, patterns you've noticed, sensory experiences, social dynamics, burnout masking, or anything that feels significant to you. Your lived experience matters in the diagnostic process. Trusted spaces like neurodivergent informed therapists, support groups, or communities can also provide reflection and validation along the way. You don't have to navigate the uncertainty alone. And it's okay to take your time finding clarity. I hope that helps in some way. Okay, with that said, let's get into this week's episode. So, what is the inauthenticity meter? Well, many autistic individuals describe an almost immediate visceral awareness of emotional incongruence. An emotional incongruence is when there's a mismatch between what someone is feeling internally and what they are expressing externally. In simple terms, it's when the emotion doesn't line up with the behavior, words, or tone. For example, someone says, I'm fine, but their voice is tense and their body looks shut down. Or a person smiles while talking about something that is clearly upsetting. Or someone gives a compliment that feels forced or flat rather than genuine. Or a person acts calm but there's an underlying sense of anger or anxiety. It can also happen internally, not just socially. A person might feel one emotion but try to convince themselves they feel something else, like telling themselves they're okay when they're actually hurting. From a psychological perspective, emotional incongruence creates dissonance, meaning the brain and nervous system are picking up conflicting signals. That can feel confusing, unsettling, or hard to trust, especially for people who are highly attuned to emotional consistency. For many autistic individuals, emotional incongruence can feel especially intense because the mismatch is not just noticed, it's felt. Again, not a choice. So let's step into the neurotypical social world. Here's where the disconnect often begins. In many neurotypical social environments, a certain level of inauthenticity is not only tolerated, it is expected. Okay, so when I first read this in the research as a neurodivergent person, I was shocked at the not only tolerated but expected part. Expected? What are we doing? Well, for neurotypicals, this entails white lies, polite responses, indirect communication, saying I'm fine when you're not, and agreeing to maintain harmony. These are often seen as social lubricants. They keep interaction smooth, they prevent conflict, they allow people to move through social spaces without constant emotional exposure. And from that perspective, inauthenticity is not necessarily seen as harmful, it is seen as functional. You can probably hear my personal alarm bells going off. This does not make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to you, just why? In the same token as a late diagnosed Aud woman, so much of my past social experiences make sense with that little note. So lie to be functional. So wait a second. For the autistic system, the same behaviors can land very differently. I know they do for me. When there is a mismatch between what is said and what is felt, it can create cognitive and emotional dissonance. The brain tries to reconcile what I'm hearing, what I'm seeing, what I'm feeling. And when those don't align, the system doesn't just shrug and move on. It keeps searching for coherence. This can lead to mental looping, heightened anxiety, a sense of unease that doesn't go away, difficulty trusting the interaction, and emotional exhaustion because the system is trying to resolve something that is, by design, unresolved. And I'm laughing because this sounds so puzzling to me. And there is a cost to perceiving what isn't acknowledged. This is the most challenging part of this experience. It is not just sensing inauthenticity, it is sensing it alone. When no one else names it, when others seem comfortable, when the social script continues uninterrupted, it can create a kind of internal dissonance that goes beyond the initial perception. And you may start questioning yourself: did I imagine that? Am I misreading this? Why does this feel so uncomfortable to me when everyone else seems fine? And this is where many autistic individuals begin to disconnect from their own perceptions. Not because those perceptions are inaccurate, but because they are unsupported. And that brings us to gaslighting internalized. Over time, repeated experiences of having your perception dismissed can lead to internalized doubt. Even without explicit gaslighting, the absence of validation can function similarly. When your nervous system is signaling something is off and the environment is signaling everything is fine, you are left trying to choose which signal to trust. And many people learn, often for survival, to override their own. And here's the paradox. Many autistic individuals who have a highly sensitive inauthenticity meter also become highly skilled at masking, at performing social scripts, at matching expected responses, and smoothing over their own discomfort. In other words, they learn to participate in the very inauthenticity that dysregulates them. Not because they want to, because they need to. And this is done in order to belong, to avoid conflict, to be accepted, and to stay safe. And this creates a kind of double strain on the system. You are detecting inauthenticity externally while simultaneously suppressing authenticity internally. And an important question is: what does this do to the nervous system? When your system is repeatedly exposed to incongruence, especially without resolution, it can shift into chronic states of dysregulation. For some, this looks like hypervigilance. This would be things like constantly scanning, trying to anticipate shifts, or looking for hidden meanings. For others, it can lead to shutdown, emotional numbing, withdrawal, or detachment. And sometimes it cycles between both. Hyper awareness followed by exhaustion, engagement followed by collapse. And to be clear, this is not a personality flaw. It is a nervous system response to prolonged misalignment. And another layer of this experience is what I call holding the unspoken. You notice the tension, you feel the misalignment, you sense the underlying emotion, and yet you don't say anything. Maybe because it feels safe, maybe because it has been dismissed before, maybe because you don't have the language for it. So it stays inside, unresolved, accumulating, and over time this can create a kind of internal pressure and a buildup of unexpressed truth. And many autistic individuals prefer direct communication, not because they lack nuance, but because they are trying to reduce ambiguity. Clarity reduces the cognitive load, honesty reduces the dissonance, and transparency creates alignment. When someone says what they mean and means what they say, the system can relax. There is nothing to decode, nothing to reconcile, and nothing to hold. Unfortunately, direct communication is often misunderstood in neurotypical contexts. It may be labeled as blunt, harsh, and sensitive, or all of the above, when in reality, it is often an attempt to create coherence, to bring the internal and external into alignment, to reduce the very tension that inauthenticity creates. And part of healing, especially for late diagnosed autistic individuals, is relearning how to trust your internal signals. Not every discomfort means danger. Not every inconsistency needs to be confronted. But your perception is not something that needs to be erased. It can be understood, respected, and worked with. Hearing, listening for different sounds near and far. Smell, noticing scents in the environment, even subtle ones. And taste, paying attention to the taste in your mouth or taking a sip of something. And one common example is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you identify five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. And the goal isn't to force yourself to feel better instantly, it's to help your nervous system feel safer and more oriented, especially during anxiety, overwhelm, or dissociation. And by engaging your senses, you're reminding your brain: I'm here, I'm in this moment, I'm okay enough right now. And the last grounding technique I'm going to suggest today is giving your nervous system a signal of safety. And this technique is called sensory grounding, and its purpose is to gently pull your attention out of distressing thoughts or emotions and back into the present moment using your body. And it's kind of similar to the previous one in some ways, but take what resonates and leave the rest. When you're overwhelmed, your mind often goes into the past or future, replaying, predicting, or spiraling. Sensory grounding interrupts that by giving your brain something real, immediate, and physical to focus on. So here's how it works in simple terms. You intentionally tune into your senses, what you can see, feel, hear, smell, or taste right now, and this shifts your attention away from internal distress and toward your external environment. For example, you might look around and slowly name objects or colors you can see. Press your feet into the ground and notice the pressure. Hold something textured like fabric or a cold glass and focus on how it feels. Listen closely to sounds around you, even very subtle ones. Or take a sip of water and notice the temperature and taste. And what this does is signal to your nervous system that you are not in immediate danger, even if your thoughts or emotions feel intense. It helps reduce anxiety, bring you out of dissociation, and create a sense of stability. And the goal isn't to erase what you're feeling, it's to help your system feel more anchored, more present, and a little more regulated so you can move through the moment with more steadiness. And one of the most regulating experiences is being around people who value authenticity, where what is said matches what is felt, where honesty is not punished, where communication is clear. And in those spaces, the inauthenticity meter doesn't have to work as hard because there is less to detect, less to reconcile, and less to hold. So here's a reframe. What if your sensitivity to inauthenticity is not a flaw? What if it is a form of attunement, a way of perceiving emotional truth that others have learned to overlook? That doesn't mean it's always comfortable or easy or welcomed, but it does mean it has value. And if you've spent years feeling like you were reacting too much to things others barely noticed, it might not be that you were too much. It might be that you are noticing more. And without support, that awareness became overwhelming. You are allowed to want alignment. You are allowed to feel unsettled by inconsistency. You are allowed to seek spaces where what is said and what is felt exist in the same place. Okay, so there you have it. Remember, every autistic experience is unique. Not everyone will relate to this in the same way, and that's okay. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't. And this podcast is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you are struggling, you deserve support. In the United States, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for free confidential support. Thank you for being here, for listening, for reflecting, and for honoring your experience. And as always, this is Dr. Allison Sukamelli. You don't have to be loud to be real. You just have to be you. Take care, and I'll see you next week.