Survivor's Guilt

Cancer survivorship is often celebrated as a victory and it is. But, many cancer survivors know that living beyond diagnosis brings more than relief. It can also carry a quiet, heavy burden known as survivor’s guilt.

This is the hidden side of life after cancer that doesn’t always get talked about. You may find yourself asking:

• Why did I survive when others didn’t?
• How do I celebrate my healing when someone else’s story ended differently?
• Do I even deserve this second chance?

These questions are painful, but they are also deeply human.

This week on the Living to Thrive with Cancer podcast, I’m diving deeper into this tender subject in my new episode: Survivor’s Guilt. I’ll share insights and practices to help you move from guilt toward meaning, healing, and joy.

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Transcript

Episode 5.3
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[00:00:00] Kathryn White: Hello and welcome back to The Living to Thrive with Cancer Podcast. I am your host, Kathryn White, cancer Coach, cancer Thriver, and your guide to Living Well through and Beyond Cancer. Today we are talking about something that often lives in the quiet corners of survivorship, something people don't always have words for, but feel very deeply, and that is survivors.

[00:00:24] Guilt. Maybe you've heard of it. Maybe you've felt it. It's that lingering heaviness that says, why did I survive when others didn't? Why am I doing okay when someone else is still struggling? And even the thought of, do I even deserve to feel good to move forward to thrive? Now, this is a big topic and it's a heavy topic, so I want you to just get really grounded where you're listening.

[00:00:51] Really settle in, take a nice deep breath. Maybe if this isn't the best time for you to be listening to it, just put it on pause and come back to it. This is something that might resonate very deeply with you, and if it does, I just want you to know that you're not alone, that this episode is going to help you to understand that other people are going through the same thing, and that there are things that you can do to navigate survivor's guilt.

[00:01:19] So we're going to talk about what survivor's guilt. Is and how it can lead to comparisons with other people in their situations, how it can hold you back and how we can move forward with this not so talked about topic. So let's dive right into what is survivor's guilt, and we're just gonna start with the basics here.

[00:01:43] Survivor's guilt is a very real emotional response that can come up after a traumatic or life altering event like cancer. And it shows up when someone lives through an experience that other people don't necessarily, or when they perceive that they maybe have it worse than they actually do. So in the cancer community, this can sound like she passed away and we had the same diagnosis.

[00:02:13] He's still in treatment and I'm in remission. How is that fair? I didn't even need chemo. Does that make me a real survivor? Like these are thoughts that I hear coming up in my cancer coaching program with my clients that they really question and I have even questioned, you know, how is it that I am here when other people aren't?

[00:02:38] And you know, maybe other people had it worse than I do. I hear that a lot where clients will say, well, you know, I have this type of cancer, but other people have it worse. And then they feel shame around that. And I just want you to pause here and just take a little breath and remember that there is no comparison and that's why we're gonna talk about this because there is no comparison, these thoughts.

[00:03:04] Can lead to feelings of unworthiness, shame, and even isolation, especially when people around you are celebrating your good news, but inside you are feeling conflicted, which is also a very normal feeling. So survivor's guilt in comparison is one. One of the things that we need to talk about here today, survivor's guilt often partners with that tricky concept of comparing ourselves to other people or other people's situations, and it's really easy to look at someone else's cancer story and question your own.

[00:03:43] So maybe someone else healed faster than you did, or maybe someone has gone back to work and you aren't, or you can't, maybe someone is exercising more or even running a marathon or you know, going on big trips and you are not doing that. Whether you can do it or you choose to do it, it doesn't matter.

[00:04:04] It's that you're not doing it, and it's the feelings that come up around that. Maybe someone is, you know, launching a new project or a new activity and you're wondering, well, how are they able to do that? But I don't feel like I can, I'm just trying to make it through every single day and look at them.

[00:04:23] That's the comparison piece. That's really tricky and it's really sneaky. Because it is going to have you question yourself. It's going to bring up big questions around whether you did it right, did you do it enough? Like how is this even happening? How come it went that way for one person and that way for another person?

[00:04:44] Should you be doing more? Are you doing enough? There's all of these questions that come up. When we compare ourselves to other people. And so it's really important that you do these check-ins with yourself of what are you hearing yourself say and why are you saying it? And one of the things that can really stir up guilt is this concept of better.

[00:05:08] There is no better in this conversation. It's just different. And that's a really big reminder for you is that it's different for everyone and we cannot draw on comparisons. So the truth that I want to to give you today is that cancer is not a competition and it's not a performance, and no two people walk the exact same path.

[00:05:36] So be really gentle with your cancer story and how you're moving through it. Your healing is valid, however it looks, and you don't have to carry guilt for surviving your life. Your continued life is a gift, and it's okay to embrace that. So again, if these feelings are coming up for you, just pause. Ask yourself, why is this coming up?

[00:06:04] Take a breath and remember that you are here and that is a beautiful gift. So survivor's guilt in itself can really hold you back. And that's something we want to be careful of. We've already had our life hit pause. A cancer diagnosis kind of makes you stop. And so when you are in a place where you can now start creating some momentum moving forward, you don't wanna be held back.

[00:06:34] It's, it's a place where. The guilt can hold you back from truly healing. And I mean like the emotional healing, that deep spiritual and emotional healing can really get into a place of, of stuck or not moving forward when you're lingering in these thoughts. Around guilt and shame and, and not even understanding.

[00:07:00] I'd go, I don't understand what just happened. I don't understand what's happening. Those are normal thoughts and it's really important that we recognize that those are, are normal thoughts. It's about not staying stuck in them. So these, these little voices, these little whispers that can come through that might hold you back.

[00:07:20] Are things like, Hmm, don't enjoy this too much because you know, or No, you don't wanna move on because other people aren't moving on. Like you don't wanna be disrespectful to other people who are still going through this, or, well, you didn't do anything special to survive. You just did what you had to do.

[00:07:39] Those are all very self-limiting thoughts. Those are real thoughts that people have. There are thoughts that I've experienced myself. Well, I, I didn't do anything special. I just did what I had to do, and here I am. So how come that person who's just doing what they had to do isn't here anymore, or their story is going differently?

[00:08:00] Self-limiting thoughts, but real thoughts. And what these thoughts can do is they can actually hold you back from celebrating your milestones. Your cancer story is your personal story, and there's going to be milestones along the way that are your very own and that are going to allow you to keep moving forward into the future.

[00:08:24] So we don't wanna hold that back. We wanna light that up and celebrate every single m. It's really important, and if you are having those thoughts that are holding you back well, it can, it can make you hesitate to share your joy and your successes. Well, I don't, I don't wanna share that with other people because I don't want them to feel bad that they're not doing as well as I am.

[00:08:49] Or that they're not as far into the healing process as I am, or that their healing is going differently than mine, or their whole experience is going differently than mine. So I'm just gonna keep all of that inside of me and not share and celebrate. 'cause I don't want other people to feel bad. But here's the truth around that.

[00:09:08] Other people who are going through cancer need to hear. Uh, your successes. They need to hear your milestones. They need to hear your wins. That is what keeps other people going. It is not shameful to be doing well. It is a celebration. And other people, we hear people talk about, you know, looking for hope and they need inspiration.

[00:09:32] You get to be another person's inspiration. When you say I am three months past my, you know, treatments, or I'm two years out, I, I, I felt it initially when, when I was sharing, you know, oh yeah. Like I'm one year out from my diagnosis. I'm two years out from my diagnosis and feeling like other people who were just starting would be like, I thought they would be like, oh, well, you know, great for you.

[00:09:57] But here I am stuck at the beginning. But really what I started to hear. From clients and in feedback from people on, on social media was like, thank you for sharing where you are. I needed to hear that you have been through this, that you've gone through these things so that I can envision myself being you, being that success story down the road.

[00:10:20] So don't be afraid to share. Don't be afraid to celebrate. You have earned the right to celebrate. And the thing is, is that you moving forward. It doesn't diminish anyone else's struggles or challenges. It honors your life and your life is worth honoring. And when you live fully and with compassion, like I said, you become that light for other people and a reminder of what's possible.

[00:10:50] So when we can move past those self-limiting thoughts, we can now move into this place of starting to heal that guilt. I'm starting to heal from survivor's guilt and it's a real thing. Having to try to figure out how do I manage these feelings that I'm having while being grateful that I'm here and alive while feeling shame for other people not being in the same place?

[00:11:14] How do I heal these feelings that I'm having inside of myself? So I wanna give you some, some starting points here that you can perhaps work through. The first is to acknowledge it. Let yourself name what you're feeling. Say, say it out loud. Say it in your head. I feel guilty for surviving. If that's what you're feeling, say it.

[00:11:39] I feel guilty for surviving. I felt that feeling and it's heavy, but speaking it out loud takes the power from the statement and the thought. We wanna disempower that self-limiting thought. So say it and acknowledge it. I feel guilty for surviving. And then the next is to release the comparison. Your story isn't meant to be measured against someone else's.

[00:12:09] Your path is unique and their past path is unique, and you need to trust that. So acknowledge what you're feeling, say it to yourself, and then release the comparison. Uh, this is a big one, but it's, it's about honoring those who didn't survive. And I, I have had clients who have not had the same end story, and it's hard, it's difficult to, to know people and to lose people, but we wanna honor those people and you can honor those people in your own way.

[00:12:46] Maybe it's lighting a candle or telling their story, or simply living your life. With intention in their memory. You can carry that person with you without carrying their pain and maybe even remember how hard they worked, how much they wanted this for themself, and how they would be so happy for you to be able to be in this place.

[00:13:11] There's no comparison, there's no guilt, there's no shame. It's about honoring that person in your own way. And then allowing joy to exist, to coexist with grief. They can exist in the same space. Now in, in yoga, we talk about yin and yang. In life, we talk about dark and light, black and white. We have to have opposites.

[00:13:38] We have to have contrasts for those things to exist. We cannot experience joy without experiencing grief, and we cannot experience grief without knowing what having joy feels like. Feeling joy doesn't erase the hard parts. It just means that you are choosing life. Again, and again and again. Every day you are choosing to get up and choose life because you are here and you have done this, and you are doing this, and you will continue to do this into the future.

[00:14:13] So joy can go co-exist with grief. And then the last thing, so let's just do a little recap here of, of what you can be doing. Is acknowledging it, saying it out loud, releasing comparisons to other people, honoring those people who didn't survive in your own way, allowing joy to coexist with grief and then talking about it.

[00:14:39] Whether it's with a therapist or a coach, or a support group, or a trusted friend, you deserve space to share your feelings and to work through them without shame. It's really important not to hold this inside of yourself, not to keep it in your heart, not to keep it in your mind, but to allow those feelings to go out of your body, mind, and spirit so that you can continue your healing process.

[00:15:06] Because you are allowed to thrive. There's no metal for suffering more. There's no need to shrink yourself to match someone else's pain. You are a unique and beautiful miracle, and, and your story's gonna unfold in its own way. You're allowed to thrive. You're allowed to feel good again. You are allowed to build a life you love, even with cancer and beyond cancer, and you don't need to apologize for surviving and you don't need to justify your healing.

[00:15:46] Remember the people who are going through the process that are watching you, that know you, that see you, they want that same result. They need you celebrating yourself and being grateful for what you have and expressing that because they need a light, and you can be the light for that person because you are here and you're alive, and you're healing, and you're growing, and you're learning, and you are moving forward.

[00:16:12] And that is such a beautiful gift to be able to move forward wherever you are in your cancer story right now, whether you're newly diagnosed, whether you're moving through the process, whether you are in that post-cancer part of your life, whether you're a caregiver, you get to celebrate the successes and the big moments and the milestones without having any underlying negative feelings around it.

[00:16:38] It's a beautiful gift to be a cancer survivor and a cancer thriver. And so this message here today is to remind you to be that beautiful miracle and to be that light in the world and share your gift and your story with others. Thank you for joining me in this episode. If you, um, have been feeling the weight of survivor's guilt, I hope that this has helped you to alleviate some of those feelings and has given you some tools.

[00:17:08] Go back and listen to the episode and really integrate these ideas into your body and your mind, and your spirit as part of your healing process. You are a survivor and a thriver, and that is incredible. Amazing and inspirational. Now, if you are looking for more support on this path, then I do invite you to reach out.

[00:17:31] My Thrive Cancer Coaching program is open to new clients, and I am always here for you and with you to support you along the way. And if this episode resonated with you, please consider subscribing to the podcast, liking and following it. Um, wherever you are listening. And sharing it with someone who might need to hear it.

[00:17:52] Maybe you know someone who really needs to hear this message today. So please share it with them, pass it along, and allow them to move through the same healing process that you are going through. And if you would like more support or to learn more about me, you can always find me, um, on Instagram at Kathryn White Cancer Coach on Facebook at Kathryn White Wellness.

[00:18:13] And you can always visit my website, Kathryn white.coach. And. I also have my book, living to Thrive, A Holistic Guide to Living With Cancer, which is a beautiful little guide to help you from diagnosis all the way through to becoming a cancer thriver. Until the next time, please remember to be gentle with yourself and remember that you are enough just as you are.

[00:18:37] And I hope you'll come back for the next episode of The Living to Thrive with Cancer Podcast, where we're joined by a very special guest who is going to talk about, um, some of the misunderstandings around cancer and how she has put all of her thoughts and ideas into a book so that you can learn and grow from her own experiences in the medical and in the cancer world.

[00:19:02] I'll see you next time.