Stop Setting Goals

Healing and thriving with cancer isn’t just about treatments and checkups, it’s about nurturing the whole you. In this episode, we dive into goals versus intentions and why you need to stop setting goals when you have cancer.

Tune in to learn how changing goal setting to setting intentions can feel softer, kinder and create less stressful when you are living with cancer.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Speaker: Welcome to the Living to Thrive with Cancer podcast. I'm Kathryn White, holistic cancer coach and author. This is the place where we trade fear for hope, confusion for clarity, and overwhelm for empowered action. Whether you are newly diagnosed, living with cancer, or navigating life beyond it, each episode I'll share tools, insights, and real life inspiration to help you create a life that feels good to live right now in the middle of it all.

[00:00:29] Let's thrive together.

[00:00:35] Welcome to episode 5.9 of the Living to Thrive with Cancer Podcast. I'm Kathryn White, your podcast host and cancer coach. Today we are talking about something I see in my work all of the time, the difference between setting goals and setting intentions while you are living with a cancer diagnosis. If you've ever felt like.

[00:00:56] You are failing at staying strong or being positive or sticking to wellness plans. On top of all of the other things that you have to do, I want you to know that you are not alone. This episode is for you. In this episode, we're going to talk about traditional goals versus intentions, the positives and negatives of both, and how you can start setting intentions to move yourself forward in your walk with cancer.

[00:01:20] So let's get started. You may have heard of smart goals, specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. This, that's the acronym, and that's a great plan for helping you when you have a very specific goal that you want to meet. It can be helpful in some areas of your life, but in my opinion, during cancer, this can become really harsh and can make you feel like you absolutely have to get things done at a time when there are so many other pieces happening in your world.

[00:01:53] So common examples that I hear from clients are things like, I'm going to walk 30 minutes a day. I'm going to stop being scared about my scans. I'm going to eat perfectly clean. I'm going to stay positive for my family. These are all great things to want to achieve, but when you set them as a goal, they can often create pressure where every day becomes a test.

[00:02:17] Did I pass or did I fail? They can actually create shame because on a high symptom day, for example, or a low energy day when that goal is impossible. Your inner voice might say to you, you're not trying hard enough. You set goals. You need to meet them, and that's a lot of pressure to live with, and they can cause this disconnect from your actual body because goals set an ideal for a past version of yourself, and they ignore the reality of the fatigue or the pain, or the side effects or the appointments that you are living with.

[00:02:54] I want to be very clear. You are not failing. It's the framework of goal setting that is failing you. So instead, I like to talk about intentions. An intention is not a target to hit. It's a direction, a posture, a quality that you can choose to experience in your life. Intentions are more present focused.

[00:03:20] How do I wanna show up in this moment? They're rooted in values of kindness and honesty, dignity, rest, connection, courage and intentions can be flexible. They can adapt when your body and your circumstances change, which you know, and I know when you have cancer, can be day to day or even hour to hour. So the intentions that you could potentially bring into your life, some examples for you to try are I intend to speak to myself as I would a dear friend.

[00:03:57] I intend to move at the pace that my body asks for. I intend to allow my feelings to exist even if they're uncomfortable. There's no pass or fail here. Like just sit in that for a moment and just notice the difference in the language between I will and I intend to. It's just a different energy, an energy that is more respectful of the space that you are living in right now.

[00:04:28] It's about noticing. Am I moving closer to or farther from this intention right now without judgment? And if you drift away, you can just gently come back. There's no scorecard. There's no checklist, there's no absolutes when it comes to intentions. They are things that you want for yourself that you can do when it feels good for you.

[00:04:53] Now admittedly, there are positive and negative sides to both goals and intentions, and I think that that's important to address. So goals on the upside when they're used carefully can help to create some structure in your life. They can bring a sense of agency in small, realistic ways of you being in control.

[00:05:15] So examples of supportive goals include I will write down one question for my oncologist before my next appointment. I will drink one extra glass of water today. Those are great goals. They're concrete and they're doable, and they aren't A moral test of your fortitude and your ability. Now the downside of goals, especially during cancer, is that they can become rigid and almost punishing because they don't give you wiggle room.

[00:05:48] They are shoulds, and as I've talked about before, we don't want to have shoulds in our life. We wanna get rid of those shoulds so that we can just be present with ourself. And goals they can often ignore. Those unpredictable symptoms, those things that come up when you least expect it, and they just don't take that into consideration because goals aren't aware of what cancer looks like, and they tie your self-worth to performance and we know.

[00:06:20] We are not trying to perform for anyone, or at least you shouldn't be trying to perform for anyone when you have cancer. This is about being kind and gentle with yourself and your self-worth is directly attached to how you move through the cancer process because this is about you and how you feel and what you want.

[00:06:41] So if you link it to a performance objective, well, you're starting to set yourself up for a little bit of failure. My friends. So let's talk about intentions. Now, the upside, the positive side of intentions is that they honor your humanity, not just your productivity. These are about being human, not being a robot.

[00:07:05] That just goes through the process that the person who's just getting things done because they have to check boxes on a list. This is about your humanity, the real person going through this real experience. And intentions? Well, they allow space for fear. They allow space for anger and sadness without labeling them as failure.

[00:07:30] We don't want to feel failure when we're going through cancer. There are many, many ways that we may already be feeling failure or that we're not succeeding. If we wanna flip that on its head, you do not need more pressure to be successful. You are already doing your best and an intention is going to give you the space to do your best for yourself in that moment because they create intentions.

[00:07:58] Create emotional safety in a time where many, many things are uncertain. I think what I wanna say is that intentions actually give you grace Now, intentions. They can go wrong. This can happen. We're human. So an intention can morph into disguised goals if you're not careful. So we need to be really aware of this.

[00:08:25] We wanna not let them sneak into that realm of being a goal. We wanna keep them as an intention. So things that you might start saying that become more goal oriented or things like, I intend to stop being weak. I intend to never cry about this again. I intend to always be grateful. Well, friends, that's just perfectionism, wearing softer clothes, that's still goals.

[00:08:56] Being called intentions, but really they're not doing you any service. Supportive intentions sound more like I intend to be gentle with myself when I feel vulnerable. I intend to let tears come if they need to. I intend to notice small pockets of gratitude if they show up without forcing it. Everything about moving through cancer needs to be geared to what you need.

[00:09:27] It needs to be wrapped in love and grace and peace and calm, not pressure and heavy and weight and smart goals that just might not be attainable. This is a time for you to really look at what is good for you and how you intend to live out what you feel is good for you. So let's look at some real world comparisons.

[00:09:56] 'cause I think it's always good to, to have both sides of this so that you can understand the difference. So. Here we go. Let's start with Scanxiety. A goal around Scanxiety might be, I will not freak out about my scan, like just listen to that. I will not freak out about my scan. That's a lot of pressure. We all know that Scanxiety is real, so putting that pressure on yourself that is just unfair to you.

[00:10:26] What you can try instead is I intend to bring compassion and curiosity to whatever I feel before and after my scan that allows you to feel all the feels around scanxiety instead of just saying, I'm not gonna freak out. Maybe you don't want to freak out, but rephrase it. I'm going to be aware of my feelings.

[00:10:49] I'm going to acknowledge my feelings, I intend. To listen to what is happening in my body and my mind and my spirit and notice it and love it for what it's doesn't that feel gentler and easier and softer. Now let's try another example here around energy and movement. So a goal around energy and movement might be, I will, there's that will, that pressure word.

[00:11:17] I will exercise five times this week. No excuses. Friends, let's be honest. When you are going through cancer, when you're in treatment, when you've just had surgery, even when you are in post-cancer recovery, sometimes it's just not going to go the way you want it to. And adding that pressure of I will with no excuses is not going to serve you.

[00:11:43] Try this instead. I intend to support my body today. Whether that looks like movement, stillness, or rest. It just feels gentler with the same intention. I'm going to do these things. I'm just gonna do them in a way that feels good for me. And one more example, let's talk about relationships. 'cause those can be complicated.

[00:12:08] And we sometimes feel the pressure of being responsible for the relationships when we have cancer, when really we just need to be responsible for ourselves. So a goal around relationships could be. I will be strong and not burden my family. Oh, friend. That is not, that is not realistic. That is so heavy. I will be strong.

[00:12:30] You don't have to be strong all the time. You really, really don't and not burden my family. Even that word burden is so heavy and and not supportive. Your family does not feel like you are a burden. They love you and they want to help you, and they want to support you. So let's flip this around and, and address it as an intention.

[00:12:56] Instead, I intend to be honest with the people I trust about what this is really like for me. It's not being a burden, it's not being strong, it's being honest with yourself and other people, and that's what's going to help you to keep moving forward. The intention, not the goal. Notice how intentions leave room for your nervous system, your body, and your actual emotional experience.

[00:13:31] Just notice how much softer it feels, how your shoulders drop, how your heartbeat slows down, how your breath comes a little easier when you take your foot off the gas pedal of goals. And lean instead into intentions. So how can you start setting intentions today? Here's a very simple practice that you can try.

[00:13:56] Start by checking in with yourself. How is my body? How is my heart feeling today? What is actually here today? A little self check-in body, mind, spirit, and then maybe name one value that matters right now. Maybe it's rest, honesty, courage, connection, gentleness, just name it. So you've checked in with yourself, you've named a value that matters to you right now.

[00:14:26] And then turn it into a sentence. Here's some sentence starters for you. Today, I intend to, or maybe you wanna try. My priority today is to, or today, for example. Today, I intend to let myself rest without guilt. I intend to ask for help at least once, even in a small way. I intend to treat myself with the same kindness I'd offer someone I love who is in my situation, and then revisit that gently during the day.

[00:15:03] If you've noticed that you've drifted, that's not failure, that's just information, and you can always say. Okay, my intention today is gentleness. What would that look like in this moment? Instead of being self-critical and hard on yourself and on days when you're completely exhausted, when you've got nothing in the gas tank and nothing to give your intentions might simply be things like, I intend to get through this day and let that be enough.

[00:15:37] That is valid and courageous intention. So just a quick review here. When you're talking about setting intentions, check in with yourself. Name a value that matters to you right now, and then turn it into an I intend two sentence, and then let it go, and just experience it. If it happens, fantastic. If a version of it happens, fantastic.

[00:16:07] If it doesn't happen, okay. So you just regroup and you try again because that's what living with cancer looks like is just regrouping. Every time you feel like you've gone off track, every time you feel like you need more, every time you feel like you can't do more, you just regrouping and getting back on track.

[00:16:28] So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I'm so tired of feeling like I'm failing at coping. I don't even know what my intentions are anymore. This is exactly the kind of work that I do with my clients. In coaching. Together we unpack the heavy shoulds and impossible goals that have been internalized, and maybe those are things that have been taught to you over your lifetime.

[00:16:53] That's a whole other conversation, but we wanna unpack those should. Notice why we're we're feeling that way and why we're putting that pressure on ourselves. We create gentle, grounded intentions that match your actual life and your day, and your body and your spirit, and we build practices for navigating skin anxiety, navigating difficult appointments, and navigating the hard conversations that you need to navigate.

[00:17:24] And then I help you connect. A sense of self that is more than patient or survivor. I help you connect with that thriver energy inside of you that is just waiting to come out, that wants to be present, that wants to help you move forward, one intention at a time. You don't have to figure this out alone.

[00:17:47] If you'd like to bring support into your life, my book, living to Thrive, A Holistic Guide to Living With Cancer will support you from Diagnosis to Thriving with Cancer. And you can find it on Amazon. The link is in the show notes. And if you want to go deeper into support and learn how to go from stressed in your daily life to calm and confident and not so stressed, I would love to invite you to join me in my Cancer Thriver Pathway coaching program.

[00:18:14] You can learn more about it on my website. Kathryn White doc, coach, or you can go ahead and in the show notes book a free 30 minute call where we talk about you, what you want for yourself, where you are in your process. It's not a sales call. It's an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and the support that's available to you.

[00:18:35] And I promise you, you will walk away with at least one piece of information that will help you to move forward whether you decide to work with me or not. Just remember, friends, this is a process living with cancer. Learning how to thrive with cancer is a process, and you get to go through it in a way that supports you, feels good in your body, mind, and spirit, and helps you to keep moving forward every single day.

[00:19:06] If you've enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to give it a five star review wherever you're listening, and I would love for you to share it with someone that you think could use this support. Also, sharing helps me to reach more people like you who are learning how to thrive with cancer. I. Thank you so much for being here today.

[00:19:26] I'll be back the next time in the next episode with a very special guest who is a well-respected researcher and works with patients around post-cancer survivorship. Until then, may your intentions for yourself be gentle and kind. Thank you so much for being here today. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day, and may you live your life to your fullest.

[00:19:49] Follow your heart and thrive in.