The Inner Critic--Part II

In this episode of Holding Space On the Mountain, we explore the inner critic—where it comes from, why it develops, and how it shapes the way we see ourselves. Blending psychology, attachment theory, and real-life tools, this conversation offers a compassionate path toward quieting self-judgment and building a healthier, more grounded inner voice.

Transcript

Speaker 0:09

Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain. I'm your host, Amber Sirstad. Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain. A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health. Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough. So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together. One conversation at a time. I'm so glad that you're here tonight. Wherever you are, imagine the crisp mountain air, the stillness, the wide view, where you can see things clearly without being rushed. Today we're exploring a companion many of us carry, and that's the inner critic. We've talked about this before earlier on in this podcast, and we're gonna go a little bit deeper, bring in some psychology behind it. The inner critic, that's that voice that comments on every choice, every mistake, every part of who we are. Before we dive in though, I want us to take a deep breath. In and out. Let's meet this voice with curiosity rather than judgment. Psychologically, the inner critic is often framed as a protective mechanism. From a psychodynamic perspective, um Union or Freud, that's a popular name many of you guys know. This voice often internalizes parental or authority messages from childhood. It represents the superego in action, so to speak, a combination of external roles and expectations that we absorb and continue to enforce on ourselves. In attachment theory, the inner critic emerges most often in insecure attachments, especially anxious or avoidant styles, where the child learns to monitor themselves closely for threats or rejection or disapproval. And the inner critic's voice messages often sound something like, you're not enough, you're too much, you'll never get it right. And here's the subtle truth. That voice was once trying to help. It developed to protect you, maybe from rejection or shame or failure, but now it often overgeneralizes, judges too harshly, and keeps you rather stuck. So let's go a little bit deeper with this. We develop the inner critic because of our early experiences of what's called conditional acceptance or inconsistent caregiving. You may have had parents, caregivers, or peers who criticized you or ignored you, maybe environments where mistakes were punished or pressured to perform or adapt to survive emotionally or even physically. The inner critic also has a neurological footprint. Neuroscience shows that the amygdala, our emotional alarm system, can be overactivated by fear or rejection or failure, while the prefrontal cortex, our reasoning and regulation center, can be underdeveloped in stressful early environments. So when you hear your inner critic today, part of it is your brain saying, danger, you need to protect yourself, even if the danger is no longer real. In this way, the inner critic is a learned survival strategy that has outlived its usefulness. The problem is that what once protected us now often harms us. There's chronic self-criticism that is linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. It can impair decision making because you're constantly second-guessing yourself. And in relationships, it can cause projection, defensiveness, or even withdrawal. And on a neurobiological level, constant self-criticism keeps the body in that fight or flight mode, leading to stress, fatigue, and oftentimes even physical illness. There's a well-known therapist and researcher, and they termed they they coined this term psychological tyranny. And that's when a part of your mind tries to lead your life through fear rather than wisdom. But here's the key insight to this. You are not the inner critic, you're the observer. And observing is the first step towards freedom. So let's get a little practical here. Grounded in psychological theory in mindfulness and in relational insight. Number one, we're gonna name it. Label that voice. Like, okay, that's my inner critic. And if you want to actually put a name to it, make it something fun, make it really whatever you want to do. Um, be unique with it, be creative. This creates a what's called a betacognition, activating the prefrontal cortex and weakening the amygdala-driven reactivity. Number two is curiosity instead of combat. Ask yourself, what is this voice trying to protect me from? When did I first hear this message? This comes from IFS or the internal family systems theory. Every part of you, including your critic, has a positive intent. You're not trying to eliminate it, just negotiate with it a little bit. Number three, reality testing. Challenge those distorted thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT teaches us to ask ourselves: is this thought 100% true? Is it helpful? Is it evidence-based? Replaced with compassionate alternative. So instead of I always fail, try, you know what? I made a mistake and I can learn from that. Number four, activate the compassionate self. Self-compassion research shows practicing the compassionate self reduces shame or stress, depressive symptoms. And speak to yourself as you would to a friend. This is something in therapy that I work with my clients. This is something I often have people do. If your friend was going through this situation, what would you tell them? Chances are you probably wouldn't tell them you're a failure, you're doing awful. You probably would say something more along the lines of, you know what, you're doing the best you can. And it's okay to be learning. Number five, body regulation. The fight or flight triggers the inner critic. So calm the body to calm the mind. There's deep breathing exercises or box breathing. You breathe in through the nose for four seconds, you hold for four seconds, you breathe slowly or exhale slowly out through the mouth for four seconds and relax for four seconds. And then you just do this in the cycles. Another one is grounding in your senses. So there's the 5-4-3-2-1 method, and you go through all your senses. So name five things you could see, name four things you could um uh touch, and so on and so forth. Another one is outdoor movement. Go for a hike, go for a walk around the park. Um go, you know, find a big field and just go and play, have fun, throw the ball around, do whatever, you know, take your dogs out for a walk, just get some movement outside. Number six is limiting comparison. Comparison fuels the critic. So remind yourself I'm on my path and not theirs. And anchor yourself in your own growth and not theirs. Number seven, integration in relationships. Voice patterns often replay relational dynamics. So notice when the inner critic arises in interactions and respond mindfully rather than reactively. There's validation, assertive boundaries, and curiosity-based communications, all these things can reduce those triggers. At the very beginning, I had you picture the mountain and the crisp air. I want you to go back there in your mind. Picture the inner critic sitting nearby, not as an enemy, but as part that learned to protect you. You don't have to silence it. You can meet it, thank it, and lead with your compassionate self. And remember, again, you are not your inner critic. You're the one who hears it, and that is the power to choose differently. Take a deep breath, inhale, and exhale. Carry this awareness with you off the mountain today. Respond to the inner critic with curiosity and compassion one moment at a time. Thank you for joining me tonight. I hope that this podcast has helped you feel a little less alone and a little more understood. And as always, be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Until next time, this is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.