Climbing The Mountain of Self Compassion

This episode explores how self-compassion transforms grief and mental health, highlighting the dangers of comparison and offering clinical insights, practical tools, and real-life stories for authentic healing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain. I'm your host, Amber Surstedt. Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain. A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health. Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough. So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together. One conversation at a time. I'm your host, Amber Surstead. Today we're dedicating this episode to the transformative power of self-compassion in grief and mental health. We'll explore some of the clinical dangers of comparison and how it can sabotage healing and provide deep practical guidance for cultivating that self-compassion. Whether you're a mental health professional, someone navigating grief, or simply seeking to understand yourself better, this is your space. Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristen Neff, is a threefold construct. On one hand, you have the self-kindness, so responding to personal suffering with warmth and understanding than common humanity, recognizing that suffering and imperfection are universal. And thirdly, you have the mindfulness, so maintaining balanced awareness of painful emotions without avoidance or exaggeration. In clinical practice, self-compassion is a protective factor against depression, anxiety, and oftentimes suicidality. And it's foundational in therapies like ACT Act, so acceptance and commitment therapy or CFT compassion focused therapy. Self-compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes calm and safety. There have been studies using fMRI that show increased activity in the cortex, several in the cortex regions of the brain that are associated with the emotional regulation. So when individuals practice self-compassion. Conversely, of course, self-criticism triggers that fight or flight response. So increasing your cortisol and adrenal levels and adrenal glands or adrenaline levels, which can exacerbate symptoms of depression and anxiety. Very common. Another one is bereavement after a suicide. And a parent was mourning their child's suicide experiences. Often there's a lot of intense shame and isolation. And so group therapy emphasizes, emphasizes common humanity. So getting involved in different grief support groups. This helps reduce stigma and fostering self-compassion. The client reported after a while decreased self-criticism and their mood started to improve over time. Another one is has to do with complicated grief and comparison. So a client was comparing their grief to others in a support group, feeling that their pain was quote unquote less valid. Cognitive restructuring and mindfulness exercises helped this client to accept that they have a very unique journey and it helped reduce the maladaptive comparison. Comparison is a common what we call cognitive distortion. In clinical settings, it manifests as minimization. So my loss isn't as bad as theirs, catastrophizing. I should be coping better, or even invalidation, other people are stronger and I'm weak. Comparison can lead to maladaptive coping, such as avoidance or substance use, social withdrawal, isolation. It undermines self-esteem and perpetuates shame. Studies indicate that social comparison and bereavement is associated with increased depressive symptoms and very complicated grief. Interventions targeting comparison such as cognitive restructuring, psychoeducation, things of that nature are often effective in reducing some of these outcomes. I want to take a very, very small peek into social media, and that's obviously very big right now. And social media has a way of amplifying comparisons. Algorithms prioritize highlight reels, creating that unrealistic standard. Research from the Journal of Clinical Psychology shows that the frequent social media use is correlated with increased envy, with dissatisfaction, depressive symptoms, especially in grieving individuals. My recommendation, if this sounds familiar to you and like it fits the bill, so to speak, is to limit your exposure to triggering content, perhaps even engaging in digital detox for a little bit, and then practice mindful consumption. Therapists may use motivational interviewing. It's a type of therapy or type of intervention, type of modality to address the ambivalence about social media use. Um, you know, it's a big part of that, is it's very addicting. And um as well as, you know, people want to use that to stay connected to the outside world. And there's a lot of there's a lot of reasons why people don't want to stop it. Um, and so your therapist may be able to explore really what is at the root of that. There's a couple different uh modalities, therapeutic modalities that can support this, and that just we're gonna touch on today. And one of them is briefly already mentioned compassion-focused therapy. And this was developed by Dr. Paul Gilbert. And CFT targets shame and self-criticism through guided imagery. You have um compassionate mind training and then different behavioral experience experiments. Uh, another one is ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy. ACT encourages that acceptance of painful emotions and commitments to value-driven action. Self-compassion is embedded in mindfulness exercises and oftentimes values that clarification. Another one is mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. And this integrates mindfulness meditation with cognitive restructuring, with the goal of helping the clients to observe their thoughts non-judgmentally and cultivate that self-kindness. Clients uh reauthor their stories. This is something that comes from a narrative therapy standpoint. Emphasizing resilience and self-compassion. So externalizing the problem reduces the self-blame and oftentimes fosters that empowerment. Another thing about um self-compassion or its counterpart, self-criticism, is shame. Shame is a core emotion and grief. And it arises from unmet expectations, from perceived failures, from comparison, and self-compassion is the antidote. It interrupts that shame cycle, allowing for the adaptive coping and emotional healing to happen. Therapists use shame-resilient models, for example, Brene Brown, to teach clients about vulnerability, about empathy, about self-compassion. Group therapy is also especially effective as it normalizes suffering and reduces that isolation piece. Family dynamics oftentimes can either support or hinder self-compassion. If you have a supportive family, um, encourage emotional supportive families encourage emotional expression and validation. Unsupportive families often reinforce the self-criticism and that comparison. I want to pose a couple different questions for you just to think about. When have you compared your grief or mental health struggles to someone else? And how did it affect your healing? And what would it look like to offer yourself kindness instead? What messages about self-compassion did you receive growing up? There's a couple different exercises that you can do that can support this, and one's called guided imagery. This is where you visualize a compassionate figure that is uh offering you warmth and understanding. Uh, it could be, you know, maybe a grandparent or it could be a teacher that um really impacted your life in fifth grade, I don't know, just a lot of different possibilities, but somebody who's been compassionate in your life. Uh, another thing is doing a body scan. So noticing areas of tension in your body and breathing in that compassion and breathing out that self-judgment. And a couple practical tools that can hope that can help with that um coping for the daily life, the everyday coping, so to speak, is number one, there's the self-compassion mantras, and there's a whole study in that and the benefit behind that. Um, you know, so some other people might say it as uh positive affirmations, like using that term. Um, uh a self-compassion mantra might be may I be kind to myself in this moment? As you're feeling that that self-blame or that self-guilt or self-criticizing, just pause and may I be kind to myself in this moment. Mindful self-talk, noticing your inner critic and gently reframing that. Another practical tool is journaling, so documenting moments of self-compassion and comparison. Rituals is another thing, so creating a healing space. Some people will light a candle or will uh meditate or practice gratitude, things of that nature. And then, of course, therapy. So seek support from clinicians clinicians who are trained in grief and self-compassion. Self-compassion is like climbing a mountain. There are moments of hope, moments of despair and uncertainty, but there's also strength, there's resilience, there's community. And as we close, I invite you to hold space for yourself. Let yourself feel, let yourself grieve, and let yourself heal. One moment at a time. Thank you for joining me today. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with somebody else who you think may benefit from the content. Together, we can make space for all forms of loss, especially for those that are the hardest to name. I hope this episode has left you feeling a little less alone and a little more understood. Until next time, this is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.