Talking to Your Deceased Loved Ones

A gentle conversation about the healing power of continuing our bond with loved ones after death. In this episode of Holding Space on the Mountain, we explore how talking to those we’ve lost can become a meaningful ritual of love, remembrance, and connection. Through personal stories, grief insights, and compassionate reflection, this episode reminds listeners that it’s okay to still speak their names, tell them about your day, and carry the relationship forward in new ways.

Transcript

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Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain. I'm your host, Amber Surstead. Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain. A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health. Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward. Even when the path gets rough. So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together. One conversation at a time. I'm so glad that you're here tonight. Wherever you're listening from, maybe you're driving through town, sitting on your porch with a cup of coffee or hot herbal tea, folding laundry, or perhaps you're taking a light walk through the woods, or maybe lying awake because grief has a way of visiting hardest in quiet moments. I just want to say that you are welcome here. This is a place where we tell the truth about grief. Not the polished version, not the everything happens for a reason version. But the version where loss changes us. The version where healing comes in strange little moments we never expected. And today I want to talk about something that people often experience after loss, but don't always talk out loud about it. And it's talking to our loved ones after they've died. Maybe you've done this too. I used to uh every Christmas I would buy my stepdad Brian. I'd go to Costco and um buy him uh one of those containers of peanut MMs. So maybe walking into walking into the store, walking into Costco and seeing a thing of MMs, and automatically you think, oh Brian, or oh, whoever your person is. Maybe you've sat in the car crying and said, I really wish you were here. Maybe something funny happened, and before you even realized it, you turned your head as if they were sitting right beside you. Maybe you still say goodnight to them. Maybe you still ask them for help. Maybe you still tell them about your day. And also maybe part of you is wondered, is this normal? Is this okay? I want to spend this episode gently exploring that. Because I think for many grieving people, talking to our loved ones is not about denial, it's about connection. It's about ritual, it's about love continuing to move somewhere after death. And honestly, I think we need to normalize this a little bit more. After my grandparents died last year, I found myself talking to them a lot. Not in some dramatic, cinematic way, but it wasn't like I was standing in a thunderstorm yelling into the sky and screaming, but it was ordinary. It was woven into daily life. I'd be going about my day, and suddenly something would remind me of grandma. Maybe I smelled a scent that reminded me of her kitchen, or maybe I saw something that she would have loved. Maybe I caught myself doing something exactly the way she used to. And I find myself tearing up and out of frustration, just oh grandma. I've said that so many times. Ah, grandma. Like almost, I like I was annoyed with her for leaving me. And honestly, maybe part of me was. And grief is strange like that. Love and frustration can coexist together. We can miss someone deeply while also feeling angry that they're gone. That's okay. Those little comments became part of how I carried my grief and how I still I still talked to grandma. It felt natural. Like kind of like continuing a conversation that death interrupted physically, but not emotionally. And over time I realized something important that talking to them made and makes me feel connected to them. Not necessarily stuck, but in this situation, but connected. There's a difference. For a long time, grief therapies or grief theories uh focused heavily on um the concept of quote unquote letting go. So moving on, finding closure, detaching. But newer grief research talks more about something called continuing bonds. And honestly, I love this concept because it acknowledges something grieving people already know that healthy grieving does not always mean ending the relationship. Sometimes healing means learning how to carry that relationship differently. We don't stop being a granddaughter because her grandma dies. We don't stop being a daughter because our parent dies. We don't stop being a spouse because our partner dies. We don't stop loving someone simply because their body is no longer here. The relationship changes, but love still exists. And talking to them can become one way we maintain that bond. Sometimes people fear this means they're going quote unquote crazy. But honestly, humans have been talking to the dead for centuries, like across cultures, across religions, across generations. People light candles, visit graves, write letters, speak names aloud, tell stories, leave flowers, set a place at the table during holidays. Ritual has always been a part of grief. Talking to them is often a part of that ritual, too. I think talking to our loved ones after death can help in several ways. First, it keeps love moving. Grief gets very, very painful when love has nowhere to go. You still have all of this care inside of you, all of this love, all of this tenderness, all these thoughts, and talking to them gives that love movement, space to shift around. Even if it's just I miss you, or you wouldn't you would have never believed what happened today, or I really wish I could call you. Those moments matter. Sometimes when grief swells up suddenly, speaking out loud helps release that emotional pressure. Instead of swallowing the feelings, you externalize it. You might say, Grandma, I really, really needed you today. And something about naming it softens that isolation. Thirdly, it creates ritual. Rituals ground us, especially after loss. Loss creates so much chaos. Ritual creates structure. Maybe your ritual is talking to them while driving. Maybe it's sitting at their grave. Maybe it's looking at their photo before bed. Maybe it's talking to the stars. Maybe it's whispering, help me get through today. Ritual reminds us that grief has a place to go. And fourthly, it allows ongoing attachment. Attachment doesn't disappear because someone dies. Your nervous system still remembers them. Your body still reaches for them emotionally. Talking to them can soothe that attachment system in gentle ways, especially during major life moments. People often talk to loved ones during weddings or graduations or illnesses or anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, all sorts of things, because part of us still wants them included. It's very common at weddings to see two chairs up front and you know have a picture of a grandfather or an uncle or an aunt or a grandma, somebody who has left, who was not a part of that day, who has died. That's very um common and very can be very healing and very, very beautiful to see that. Because many grieving people quietly worry, is this normal? Is this okay? Um, especially if they've never experienced that deep, deep grief before. And here's what I want to say about that very carefully. Talking to a deceased loved one in the context of grief is incredibly common. Very, very common, especially when the person understands intellectually that their loved one has died. This is not psychosis, this is not automatically unhealthy. In grief work, we often see people talking out loud to loved ones, writing letters, dreaming vividly about them, imagining what they would say, feeling emotionally connected during significant moments. The human brain and heart do not detach instantly after loss. Love has a way of leaving very, very strong imprints. And honestly, sometimes the world pressures grieving people to sever bonds way too quickly. But healing doesn't always look like detachment. Sometimes healing looks like integration, learning how to carry them with us while still living our lives fully. I also want to return to another important topic, and it's the phrase that I used earlier. I laugh now as I'm saying it out loud, but I've said it many, many times and will probably continue to say it. But yes, there was also frustration. And I think that deserves space too. Sometimes we're angry they left us, even if logically we know obviously they didn't choose it. Sometimes grief feels like abandonment, especially when that person was safe for us. When they were comforting, when they were consistent, when they were anchoring. And then suddenly they're gone. I remember a few days before my grandma died, it was just her and I and um the family room, she was in her hospice bed, and my auntie had gone to Starbucks to get me a drink. She went to get me a coffee, and um I'm sitting with grandma and we're listening to it. Some nice classical music, and I was just talking to her, she's in and out of coma state, and um she woke up temporarily, and I I on the side the hospice bed has the um the handle, the handlebar on the side, and so I let it down so I can kind of sit in the chair but snuggle up a little bit closer to her. And I remember she she um reached up her hand and she very, very quietly whispered, Let me hold you, baby. And I remember I le I leaned my head down on her shoulder, and she put her hand on my face, and I just I cried a lot, and then I fell asleep. I was so so exhausted. I fell asleep, and then my aunt walked in a little bit later and ended up taking a picture of us, and so I have that memory that was really precious. But when that person that dies, that was so comforting, that was so anchoring, it can feel like abandonment. People often feel guilty admitting anger towards someone who died, but grief is so layered. You can love someone fiercely and still resent the emptiness their absence created. You can miss them desperately and still think, How in the world could you leave me here to do this without you? That doesn't make you bad. It makes you human. And some people may not understand, especially people uncomfortable with grief. Our culture often wants grief to be tidy and time limited. We'll give you uh 72 hours off from work, but after that, you know, you gotta learn how to function. Grief is very, very relational, and relationships don't disappear overnight. You do not need permission to love your people out loud. You don't need permission to remember them actively. You don't need permission to speak their name. And honestly, I think one of the saddest things that can happen after death is when people stop saying that person's name because they're afraid of making other people uncomfortable. Girls, say their name. Tell the story, laugh about them, talk about them, cry about them. Love doesn't become invalid because someone dies. There are so many gentle ways that people continue bonds with their loved ones. Some people, like I mentioned, write letters. Some people keep journals addressed to them. Or they visit meaningful places, they cook their favorite recipes, they listen to music they loved, they even wear their clothes, they they talk to them during hard moments, they celebrate birthdays and anniversaries still, they light candles, they continue traditions, they talk with them while they're driving alone. Some people talk constantly and some only occasionally, and there's no correct way. There's no wrong way. And when I say correct, I meant quote unquote correct. The goal isn't to stay trapped in grief forever. The goal is to build a relationship with grief that allows love and life to coexist. Another part that matters really deeply is some people think if I'm still talking to them, maybe I'm not moving forward. But connection is not the opposite of healing. Sometimes connection supports healing. You can still work, laugh, build relationships, pursue goals, experience joy, and fully live while still talking to your loved one who has died sometimes. Healing is not erasing. Healing is not healing is not erasing, it's not forgetting. Healing is adapting. And sometimes adapting includes carrying their voice internally. If you've been afraid to talk to your loved one, maybe this episode can give you a little permission. Talk to them, say the thing, tell them you miss them, tell them you're angry, tell them about the day about your day, tell them you wish they were here. Just whisper their name. Not because you're quote unquote crazy, but because love naturally reaches. Before we close today, I want you to think about someone you miss. Maybe immediately their face came to mind. Perhaps your chest tightened a little bit, maybe tears showed up. Maybe you smiled. I just want to remind you, your grief speaks the language of attachment. Attachment does not disappear simply because death occurred. If talking to them brings comfort, if it helps you feel connected, if it helps love keep breathing, that's okay. You are allowed to continue the conversation. I've often said, pretty much, if you were in my personal life, you've at least heard me say this approximately 5,000 million times, is that's almost not an exaggeration. And since she has died, I've told people I said, even if I get a new favorite person, they're still gonna be my second favorite person, because grandma will always be my favorite person. So even if you're my favorite person alive, um, you're still gonna be my second favorite person. Just a heads up. But that's that's my way of keeping that attachment, keeping that connection with my favorite person alive. She gifted me she had received uh for her inheritance from her dad a um Yamaha. black grand piano and that was my inheritance from her and every time I sit down and I play which is every s every single day that I've been home since she since I got it last year every single time I sit down I think of grandma and that helps keep that connection alive and it's important because I don't want the memory of my grandparents and I don't want the memory of my other grandma and my stepdad and many many loved ones and family members who have died and gone on before me. I don't want those their those memories to leave. I want that their names to still be something I can say and still have love and connection. I want that for you too thank you for sitting with me today on Holding Space on the mountain if this episode resonated with you I hope you'll share it with someone who is also walking through grief and wherever you are in your journey may you find gentle spaces to remember gentle spaces to ache and gentle spaces to heal until next time take care of your heart be kind to yourself I hope this episode has left you feeling a little less alone and a little more understood. Until next time this is Holding Space on the mountain and I'm your host Amber Surstead