#28: Caregiver Fatigue: Taking Care of Aging Parents While Raising Kids

Many millennial moms are going through something that past generations never had to do:

Raise young children while also caring for aging parents.

It’s overwhelming, emotional, and (somehow) completely unexpected.

In this episode of The Next Phase Podcast, Stacey Hutson sits down with elder care clinician Debra Kooser to talk about what really happens when the roles begin to reverse—and why so many women feel unprepared for this stage.

Together, they explore:

• what it looks like when aging parents begin to need more support
• the emotional impact of role reversal between parent and child
• why so many families wait until a crisis to make decisions
• and the very real toll of caregiver fatigue and burnout

Debra explains why caregiver fatigue is more than just stress—it’s a serious, often unrecognized experience that affects both mental and physical health.

This conversation also highlights something many women don’t expect:

The guilt, emotional exhaustion, and mental load that comes with trying to balance it all.

For listeners who are starting to notice changes in their parents—or already feel overwhelmed by the responsibility—this episode offers both validation and a starting point.

About Debra: 

Debra Kooser has a Masters Degree in counseling with over 30 years in healthcare, the last 18 years in hospice as a Medical Social Worker and Bereavement Coodinator.  Additionally, she has worked as a Geriatric Care Manager for an estate planning lawfirm. She has a specialty in consulting with adult children navigating their aging parents needs. She coordinates senior living placement from a clinical perspective, as well as offering ongoing case management for busy adult children/relatives who benefit from support and oversight for their family members.

Resources & Next Steps:

Debra Kooser helps families navigate caregiver fatigue, planning, and next steps.
You can reach her here: debra.eldersolutions@gmail.com

Local to Colorado?
Stacey is speaking at the Golden Women in Business Founder’s Day event next week—an evening celebrating women making real impact in the community.
Join us in Golden on April 29th:
🔗 https://www.goldenwomeninbusiness.com/upcoming-events/founders-day-2026

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I want to start this episode with a question. Have you ever felt like you have nothing left to give but people still need you? Your kids need you, your partner needs you, and now here's the twist. Your parents need you too. And you love them, and you want to help, and you are helping, but at the end of the day, you feel completely drained. Like you're just on your edge. You're shorter with everybody, you're less patient, you're just trying to get through the day. And then comes the guilt because you think you should be handling it better. And there is actually a name for this. And most women don't even realize they're in it. Welcome to the Next Phase Podcast, the show for millennial moms entering parametopause, ready to stop fixing themselves and start listening to themselves. I'm your host, Stacey Hudson, and today we're talking about something that so many of us are going through, and we're not really talking about it. Taking care of our parents while still raising our young kids. I am joined by Deborah Cooser, who has over 30 years of experience in health care, including nearly two decades working in hospice as a medical social worker and bereavement coordinator. She's also worked as a geriatric care manager and now specializes in supporting adult children, that's us, as they navigate their aging parents' needs. In this conversation, we talk about what caregiver fatigue actually feels like and why so many women are missing it, why you feel like you can never fully relax anymore, the guilt that comes with being overwhelmed by the people you love the most, and what has to change before you completely burn out. Caregiver fatigue. Let's talk about it. Welcome, Deborah, to the Next Phase podcast. I am so excited to have you here.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Thank you so much for inviting me into this space. I feel very passionate about the issues I think we're going to address today. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Oh, you're so welcome. I met Deborah at a networking event for Golden Women in Business. And I talked to a lot of women that day, all wonderful business owners, but Deborah brought me something that I hadn't considered as a very important topic that all of us millennials need to really understand. And that's taking care of our aging parents. I think a lot of us at this point have heard sandwich generation because we are the generation that still is taking care of young children while also taking care of our aging parents. And it is a lot. And I can speak from experience because my mother moved into my home about a year ago, and I have two young kids. Deborah, can you explain to us how you got to where you are now helping adult children with their aging parents?

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Yeah, sure. So I have a master's in counseling and I worked for over 30 years in healthcare. More specifically, the last I would say 18 years in hospice as a medical social worker and a bereavement coordinator. I also worked for an estate planning attorney, assist geriatric care manager, and then I started my own consulting firm about two and a half years ago. So at this point in my career, I've worked well over a couple thousand families and patients and the aging journey. So I feel like I'm really well versed in all of the complicated, often psychosocial dynamics that go on, all of the resources.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

I didn't know you existed. And I think I told you that when I first met you. I didn't know you existed, and I'm so glad that you do. So let's talk about the moment that people realize oh my goodness, my parents are no longer young anymore, and I am responsible for them in a way that I never had to be before. What does that actually look like in your experience?

SPEAKER_01 4:22

It can look a couple of different ways. Oftentimes it can be starting to notice subtle changes, increased calls or requests from the parent, a growing awareness that the relationship dynamic is changing and that there's beginning a role reversal where the adult child is assuming more of a parental role than before. So that's one scenario. Another scenario would be that there would be a sudden event that would happen, and typically it's a health crisis that would happen. It snowballs from there, and they're suddenly realizing that again, they're in more of that parental role than they were previously.

unknown 5:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And it's such an odd switch, right? Your whole life, you were the child, they were the parent. You always saw them as very capable being, you know, depending on your parents. Most of the time, your parents are in charge, they are capable, and then all of a sudden you look at them one day and it feels like they've aged overnight. And you're yeah, oh no, I need to help you now.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

And along with that comes the emotional issues that come for the adult child and the parent. The adult child having grieving the loss of being in that place where they were the child and could look to their parent, oftentimes as that stabilizing force in their life, and they grieve the loss of that. And then the parent, from their perspective, they're grieving the loss of being the one that's that go-to person and the person in charge and lending their wisdom and knowledge to the child, and they're feeling more dependent on their child, and that feels really vulnerable. They can be as well grieving that role change. That makes a lot of sense.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

I didn't think about it from their perspective.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Yeah. Yeah. And both of them are very real from both sides. If you stop and think about it, you can imagine what that's like for the parent to feel like they have to reach out and ask their children for help. That's not what they've lived their whole life doing typically, if it's a relatively healthy relationship. And then to suddenly be in that role where you're asking your children and the guilt that comes with it, and maybe some embarrassment and shame around it. There's that.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Let's go back to the moment again that you are taken aback that your parent now needs your help. And I think a lot of us enter this phase completely unprepared because we did not see it coming. It's like everything, right? Motherhood, you don't really get it until you're in it. Aging, it feels like a shock. And then your parents' aging is just something that you, I don't know why, but you don't compute it. You just don't consider it until it happens. So why do you think that we all enter unprepared?

SPEAKER_01 7:07

I think there's a couple of things. You don't go to school, you don't have a class in school that's like how to navigate your aging parents' journey. You're not prepared for that. And then I think society, we're a death-denying, we're an aging-denying society. I think there's a lot more conversations about becoming parents, being a parent, but there isn't around this very thing that we're talking about. And I feel like in a lot of ways, it's a taboo. It's often something people don't want to think about, they don't want to talk about. So then you've got an adult child in that situation and they aren't prepared for it and they don't know where to go or what to do. And I will tell you that oftentimes as I sit with adult children in consultation, deer in the headlights is what I'm looking at. Deer in the headlights.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

And can you speak to the people who come to you who are raising young kids and also now having to help their parents, like how overwhelming that can feel, and how you work help them through that?

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Yeah. So I have two words caregiver fatigue or caregiver burnout. It's a huge thing. And I think people hear the words and they don't fully comprehend what that means or what that looks like. It's a real phenomenon. I don't want to get too far into statistic weeds, but I would like to present a few statistics for you and your audience so that you understand how serious it is. So I took this from the Family Caregiver Alliance. Roughly 40 to 70% of caregivers experience clinically significant symptoms of depression. Another study found 36% of caregivers experience anxiety or depression, which is 114% higher than non-caregivers. 50% of caregivers report increased emotional stress. 39% report they rarely or never feel relaxed. And so this leads into what I call firefighter dynamic. Because when you're in a caregiving role, it's like going to work as a firefighter where the alarm can go off at any time. And so the sense of you're always on deck, you can never relax. It's not like going to a job where you come home and disengage. When you're in a caregiving role, your whole body, your whole system is on deck and ready for the alarm to go off. And then you have to drop and run. And the accumulated stress over time in that role is huge, leading to, like I said, depression, anxiety, health issues. There's a pretty high statistic of caregivers, especially somebody who's caregiving for somebody with dementia, that they would predecease the one they're taking care of. It's that significant in terms of the impact on not only your physical health, but your psychological health. So caregiver fatigue is a really serious thing. And so one of the things that I'm doing is I'm not only working with the identified person, but I'm working with the families because we have to figure out and create a plan to try and offset some of that caregiver stress and fatigue that really is a huge issue.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Can you just tell us how you would work with a family in that situation?

SPEAKER_01 10:26

It would be figuring out what exactly is going on and looking at things like how do we build in respite for that? Does that look like day programs? Does that look like hiring private caregivers for a period of time? And at some point, does that look like alternative placement so that the family can return to being the family instead of the caregivers? And then just really stressing the need for self-care, if you're in that role and what does that look like and supporting that? Yeah. Yeah, it's huge. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

And when you said a different placement, you're saying that if the parent is living with the family and it's really taking a toll, that you would actually consider let's find another place for mom or dad to live.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Yeah. And we can maybe stop on that for a minute because one of the barriers that I often encounter with families is a sense that moving to some senior living option is a negative and that somehow it's going to diminish the person's life. And actually, there's a lot of ways it expands someone's life.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

I I absolutely understand what you mean by it is perceived as a negative. My mom is the kind of person who always feels like she doesn't feel as old as she is, or she doesn't feel her age. And so going to an older living facility is an insult. I'm not I'm not old, right? Yeah. And so there's this huge block when it comes to that. And I'm I'm sure that there are many people who feel the same way.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Absolutely. There are. We talk about that. I set up tours and have them go and match them up to a facility that might be a good fit for them. And they get to experience that. And some of those preconceived ideas then vanish because they see what the options are and how it could potentially enhance their life as opposed to just making these assumptions about what that living situation looks like.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

Okay. So what are some of the early signs that we can look for that it's time to step in more with a parent before it becomes like a full-blown crisis?

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Yeah. So I I had somebody ask me recently how many of your clients come to you in a crisis versus proactively? And I would say 80% of my clients come to me in a crisis, about 20% of them come proactively. Of course, I always prefer that somebody comes to me proactively because none of us react well in a crisis. And if we can be proactive and sit down together before it becomes a crisis, we've got more options. But I would say most of the people come to me in crisis. And how to avoid a crisis is the moment you see any sort of a change in your parents, like if you've got an aging parent that's over the age of 60 or 65, I think that's the time to sit down with a professional.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Okay. So after we recorded, I followed up with Deborah on this question because I wanted a little bit more information on the actual signs that we need to look for in our parents. And what she shared with me was so helpful that I wanted to walk you through it now. So it's usually not one big dramatic moment, like when you realize your parents are going to need more help. It's a pattern. So you want to start looking at everyday life. Are they keeping up with basic things like bills, medications, food, hygiene? Are you seeing unopen mail piling up, expired food, missed appointments? And then start looking at their memory. They're not just forgetting little things here and there, but it's repeated confusion. They're asking the same questions over and over. They're getting lost in places that they know really well. For physical stuff, look for falls, weight loss, not going to the doctor, not taking care of themselves the way they used to take care of themselves. And then this one was the hardest one: emotional changes. And I think this is the one a lot of us ignore because if our mom or dad is acting particularly grumpy, we just kind of chalk it up to, you know, aging and they're just in a bad mood. But really, if they seem like they're pulling back a lot, they're more anxious, they're more irritable. Sometimes they are irritable because they're embarrassed about what's going on with them and the changes that are happening. They don't feel like themselves. And then she said safety. Safety is a big one. Leaving the stove on, unsafe driving, things like that. And her last point was trust yourself. If something feels off and you keep noticing it, you're probably not wrong. Follow your gut instinct, do something about it. None of this is big stuff, it's the little stuff that adds up. And I think these are really important signs to keep in mind. So let's keep this conversation going.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

You're looking at their legal documents, their financial resources, because if you don't have the necessary documentation, I can promise you it's going to lead to a crisis. What is the long-term plan? And that is really important to have a sense of where you're going. It relieves a lot of stress.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

So I am not the most organized person, right? Not naturally organized. I have ADHD. I'm really working on getting like basic life management together. This is a priority of mine. And it's stuff like this that I think we avoid because A, it's sad, depressing, it's also boring. It feels like something you can do later. It's right up there with write your will, right? Nobody wants to face it. But what I found is that actually tackling this stuff is the best nervous system regulation that you can do because even though you're avoiding it, it's hanging there. It's right over your head. It's not that it doesn't exist. It's not that it's not affecting you, it's just that you're not facing it. And I needed to hear this. And I think a lot of people listening also need to hear this is important. Do this before it gets bad.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

It's like a huge weight off to have that information and knowledge and to have a plan. And maybe there's some things you have to follow up on, but you can take that in small chunks here and there. But to have an understanding of what that journey might look like and to have that conversation with your family members so that you're all on the same page and work together to create a roadmap.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

All right. So for the woman listening who feels like you're talking to her, she's hearing it, something is a little off. I need to be proactive. What is her first step?

SPEAKER_01 17:17

It can be one of two things, depending on the relationship they have with their parent, mother, or father, or both. They can sit down with their parent and say, hey, I'm starting to notice some changes. I wanted an opportunity to sit down and talk about it. If the parent is reticent for that, which is actually fairly frequent, unfortunately, then I think it would be sitting down with a professional to talk about what is the presenting issue, what are your concerns, what are the barriers to hear their concerns, just to ask questions and get some support around building a roadmap for what might be advisable moving forward would be really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Can that get hairy, like for you? Because if they're hesitant when the adult child approaches the parent and now they're bringing in a third party, can it be difficult?

SPEAKER_01 18:10

It can be a little bit uncomfortable. I think part of that's in the presentation that we want to honor your wishes, we want to know what you want. I met with a actually I started out meeting with the daughter-in-law and the son initially, and then we schedule a time with their father. And when we sat down together, he was reticent, but I think he saw that we were there to help him and support him. He started crying. He was taking care of his wife who has dementia, and he felt really protective of her. And he had some trauma with his parent being in a nursing home, and he had all these preconceived ideas about what it was going to look like if at some point he had to place her. And so just providing him that support, acknowledging his caregiver fatigue, ensuring him that nobody was there to tell him what to do or to force him into anything, but that we just really wanted to support him and help him, he loosened up. And I think so, providing empathy and kindness and support and education and respecting their autonomy, I think can sometimes break down some of those barriers.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

What are the most common issues that families will bring to you?

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I think it's their parent needing extra help and being in a fair bit of denial around it, not having the legal documents in place or being reticent to share that with them, or their parent living alone in an unsafe home and digging in their heels and saying, I'm gonna die in this home and I don't care what. And I actually have I have a consultation this afternoon. I have one of those situations this afternoon where I'm meeting with the adult child around his parents being not being in a safe situation and he's really stressed. And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Wow, yeah, I see a lot. That's a lot for you to hold as well. You have to be very strong to do what you do. There's so much emotion tied up into all of this. There is guilt and the roles reversing. How do you hold space for that? When I first met you, I was like trying to wrap my head around what it is that you do. And this is gonna sound strange, but like a hairdresser you go to for hair, except for you end up telling her your whole life story in the two hours that you're with her. And so you have the legal background and you have all of this knowledge, but you also have to hold space for all this emotion. What is that like for you?

SPEAKER_01 20:43

One of the things that I see over and over again with families is that sense of isolation because a lot of times it's messy, right? And like a lot of times, other family or friends, if they've not walked this journey, they have no clue. And so it ends up feeling really isolating for the adult child because I think there are solutions and you can't fix all the emotion, but you can be present with somebody and support them through that and normalize it for them. Like I will tell you over and over again, people don't even really understand caregiver fatigue and having somebody sitting down with them and acknowledging that's a real thing. It's not them being dramatic or making things up, it's a real thing, and having somebody to support them in that and try and figure out what do we need to do to support you is I think there's real power in that. It is messy, but it feels really meaningful. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

You have a gift for sure. I could not do what you do. I feel like yeah, my biggest struggle is the guilt because my parents raised me. I had a good childhood and they cared for me. And you think to yourself, of course, I want to help them. Of course, I want to do anything I can to help them. But You're also in it with your children and your work and you're overwhelmed. And it's just you get to a point where you just feel like you have no space left for it. And then you feel guilty for not having the patience and not putting in the extra effort. Or even if you're walking through the steps to do the caring, right? To help to assist to get them to surgery and back and whatnot, there's still this extra emotional component of, and I also should be really patient and also should just make conversation and check in. But it's just, I feel like I have nothing left at the end of the day for all that emotional support as well.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

And that's, I think, one of the hallmark signs of caregiver exhaustion and fatigue is the inability to be emotionally present with the person you're caring for because you're so busy dealing with all the logistics of it, there's really nothing left over. You're exhausted. You don't even feel like you have time for yourself, let alone your loved one. And people think that having boundaries or making choices that other people sometimes perceive as not respectful of your loved one, that's not always reality. So talking about what do we need to do to facilitate you as the adult child, figuring out how do we get you back to where you're feeling like a family member and that we're trying to mitigate some, if not all, of the caregiver fatigue that you're experiencing.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

I would love to touch on the social piece because we're in Colorado and I have friends whose parents have moved here, maybe not in their house like my mom, but they're coming in from a different state that they've been in their whole life, and they don't have a social life here. And I've tried to help my mom find her people and find her circle here, and she has been very resistant just because she explained to me that it's one thing to make friends in your 30s and 40s and 50s, but it's quite another to make it in your 70s and 80s.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Yeah, that's a real thing. I'm gonna go back to why one of the other reasons I like senior living communities, because that infrastructure is built in there and there's an opportunity for an individual to make other connections, to make friendships, to create community apart from just the responsibility and the pressure that comes to their adult child. Because it is hard to move into a new place and try and create those relationships. So it goes back to what I talked about is what are we doing to try and enhance somebody's life, not just diminish them, but what are the ways in which we can look to promote the adult child self-care, reduction of caregiver fatigue and burnout, and enhance their loved ones' life and expand it? And I think there's some real opportunities to do that.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Deborah, this was so helpful. If you could give one parting piece of advice to somebody who's starting this journey a little overwhelmed, what is the one thing you would say that someone should do to navigate this change with their parents?

SPEAKER_01 25:19

I think it goes back to what we touched on earlier. Just really be very self-aware of the whole idea of caregiver fatigue. Don't minimize that. And really, if you're not ready to sit down yet with a professional, just really closely monitor that because it's very sneaky and insidious, and I think it comes up and catches people unaware.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Beautiful. All right, Deborah. How can we work with you if we feel like we need your help? And does it have to be local to Colorado or can it be around the country?

SPEAKER_01 25:53

Yeah. No, I do Zoom consultation, so I can work with anybody because the issues are the same. Some of the resources obviously are different locally. In general, the framework is the same for all adult children. And so, yes, I can work not just locally but internationally. So, yeah, someone can schedule a consultation with me if they feel like that would be something that they would be interested in doing.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Absolutely. I know I'm interested. All right, Deborah. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for thank you so much this to us for me and for everybody listening who's struggling with some of the same things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:31

Thank you very much for inviting me into this space again. It was an honor.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

One more thing before you go. If you happen to be local to Colorado, I am actually speaking next week at the Golden Women in Business Founders' Day event. It's this beautiful night that celebrates women making an impact in their communities, which feels very aligned with everything we just talked about today with Deborah. And it's actually how I met her. So if you want to come, I will put the details in the show notes, and it would be really cool to see you there.