33. Love to Hold It Down

In a live episode at North Star Church of the Arts in Durham, Sangodare and Alexis use a seafaring metaphor to explore what it means to be “anchored in love”. They unpack how preparation, resourcing and kindness can keep a “love ship” steady through change. They discuss identifying resilience strategies before you need them, discerning when to move versus be still, and remind us that being able to access our tools matters as much as the tools themselves.

• Anchoring in Love and Forgiveness
• Stress Responses and Resourcing
• What’s Shared and What’s Kept Sacred

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Hi, I'm Alexis Pauline Gums. And I'm Shango Dari Wallace. And this is September, a podcast for love ships.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

We're two lovebirds who decided to intentionally create a love ship and share the insights we gather with the world.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

For the past 17 years, we've been relating to our love ship as a sacred space for spiritual practice.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

This podcast is our space to reflect on the insights we've found and been given with you.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, okay, situationships, every bond has the potential to become an offering to a higher vibration for the world. One choice, one act of care, one repair at a time.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

So, if you're ready to think expansively about love, community, and spirit, you're in the right place. So glad you're here. Hello, Shango Dare. My champion who keeps me clothed and in my right mind, literally. Thank you for doing all our laundry and supporting my spirit and creating boundaries that help keep me from overworking.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

Hello, Alexis, my sweetheart, who keeps me in this earthly realm literally by keeping me fed and homeful. And then sometimes even reminding me to eat the food that you made already.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

And to keep it in balance, I'm also the one who sometimes stresses about our mortgage and has trouble sometimes trusting the universe to provide.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

And I'm the one who trusts the universe so much that I sometimes terrify you. I haven't read this yet so much. I wrote that.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

So once again, we are two passionate committed people with one foot on earth and one in the sky, and we are exactly as lovable as you. Today we are dedicating this episode to Tulla, dear friend, sister, boat builder, radical sailor, and Tulla and I were kayaking partners on an ocean kayaking voyage. Ocean. Ocean. Not a river, not a lake.

SPEAKER_03 2:30

Not a lake.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

The ocean.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

Not a stream. Not a creek. The ocean. Yeah, I can't get over it.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

And Tella was the person rowing in the back. So you know that's the person who decides are we gonna go the right direction or not? And so I feel very grateful for Tella's pathfinding brilliance.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

I'm grateful for Tella keeping you safe on the ocean. I'm also grateful for the way that Tella has been a part of our dreaming house for a decade.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

Yeah. And just that calm, sweet spirit that she has. It's a gift.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

Yes. And Tella's a person who taught us about boat feel. So how do if you're navigating without, you know, GPS and maybe not even being able to see the stars, and maybe you can't even see the sky, and maybe you can't where you are in the ocean, see any land, how do you sense direction? Which feels sometimes like what it's like to find your way in a relationship in the shifting oceans of our reality.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

Tella, we love you.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

And you all get to practice dedication too. So we're gonna take a moment, invite you to dedicate your time here with us today to someone who, maybe someone who you really appreciate, maybe somebody who has impacted your internal navigation systems. So we're just gonna take two minutes, just turn to someone close to you, let them know your name if they don't know your name, and who you're gonna dedicate to today.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

Go.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Okay, so when you get to a pausing point, please thank your partners. Yay!

SPEAKER_02 4:43

All right, ready to get into the heart of it? Let's grow. And guess what?

SPEAKER_03 4:49

It's still September. Every week we have a technology for you from our journey and our teachers with North Stars that can guide you as you navigate your own ancestral Obatala Bimbe dance of relationship as spiritual practice. And on today, we just dropped by to remind you to be anchored in love. Hold it down.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Anchored.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

So we generally know what an anchor is in nautical or seafaring context, right? A ship's anchor is a big heavy piece of metal that holds a vessel in a specific position. The anchor is connected to the ship or a vessel on water by what? A chain.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Or a rope.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Or a rope. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

The winds come, the currents come, all kinds of things happen on the sea that could move a ship, but what does it mean to still decide to be rooted in a particular place at a particular moment? So for us as a love ship, this is a useful metaphor and symbol to explore the strategies that maintain the sort of equilibrium and sometimes equanimity that we want to have in our love ship.

SPEAKER_03 6:28

There could be any number of reasons why we or anyone might want to be anchored in a particular moment. Like when you know hard times are coming, or you look up and realize they're already here, right? Like a busy schedule that you know is coming. You already expect it, right? Versus to up and find yourself in a situation like you ran out of gas.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

In the desert.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

In the desert, for example.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

It really happened. For example. Okay. We're not babies, nor are we children. Mostly. Well, sometimes we are children. But the thing is, our responses to challenging circumstances can sometimes put us back into fight, flight, freeze.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Fawn, is that the force?

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Yeah. Our modes of protection and reaction.

SPEAKER_03 7:24

Yeah, but there can be another way.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

If you are prepared.

SPEAKER_03 7:29

There can be.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Yeah, exactly. Prepared. So, like sometimes how as adults we prepare for the ups and downs of children's emotions and attention spans with snacks, songs, games.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

Or love and affection.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

Yes. We can also understand that in a love ship we're relating to all ages of each other and ourselves. And sometimes I need a snack. That's right. Or a song. That's right. Or love and affection.

SPEAKER_03 8:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

It's like, baby, will you could you say that line again? I just well done, well done. So today our sacred text comes from Octavia Butler's character, Lauren Olamina, in her religion that she created called Earthseed. She wrote, kindness eases change. Kindness eases change.

SPEAKER_03 8:28

I definitely relate to that. I can think back to so many times, particularly I'm thinking about like driving in the car or traveling and like having challenge and in the moment of challenge, being able to be like, well, why she couldn't say it nice? Talk to me nice. Talk to me nice. It's like the fact of the thing sometimes. It's not the issue, but you're in your feelings. So if somebody would just pour some, pour some sugar on yeah, you know, pour some sweetness on it, it just goes down so much easier, like like medicine.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

Yeah, I think that there's also a vibrational reality to that. Yeah. You know, like the breathing that it takes to be like, sweetie, is a little bit different than like maybe not taking that breath and just being like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_03 9:26

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we did we did have a situation where we ran out of gas. I don't think it was anybody's fault, you know, necessarily.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

We had a retro RV with a broken gas gauge. So that's kind of both of our faults. However, we had created this like math system to figure out how to not run out of gas because we were driving across the whole country in our 20s. And the one time I took a nap.

unknown 9:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

The one time. Okay, one of the times I took a nap. I woke up and we had run out of gas in the middle of somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

We actually don't agree about where we where we were. I feel like your memory is probably correct, but I agree. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

So I think we had to call AAA. And I mean it was fine, but yeah, we were fine. But it it was one of those moments of like, okay, what are the strategies that move us through this and don't make it a worse situation?

SPEAKER_03 10:36

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Right? Because we're already out here until somebody from AAA comes from who knows where to who knows where else we are. And it's a it's actually a choice. Yeah. You know, and I I think that this is this is the thing. I mean, I don't, I don't know. It's not really true chronologically that like all adults have a more intentional relationship to their emotions than all children.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Right.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

So it's not really that type of distinction. But when I think about it for myself, I do feel like I progressively have gotten more tools to be present with my emotions mostly more intentional than um when I didn't have those tools or I didn't have those skills. And I I felt like I was just reacting to different moments. And also without the power, you know, that that I have now, like having a AAA account that we could actually use, for example.

SPEAKER_03 11:37

Yeah. And I think when I think about the chain or the rope or the thing that connects you to the uh anchor, I think about like what it takes to have access to using those tools. Um we have to be nourished enough to access these strategies. It really is the best setup for success, whether it's being rested and nourished or self-expressed. And when I think about that, I'm thinking about like you had been holding on to something for so long that when the smallest thing happens, you no longer have access to any of those strategies, whether they're sweetness or specificity or whatever it is. So yeah, we have to be kind of resourced enough to access that anchoring practice. And all these things we talk about on this podcast, I feel like speak to those different tools that help us be nourished enough that support us to be balanced and loving in a partnership.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Yeah. Yeah, like that, like having a daily forgiveness practice, right? So that we don't hold on to stuff for so long. I mean, it's not always forgiving each other. Right. A lot of times it's forgiving ourselves, sometimes it's forgiving, you know, whatever, the random lift driver that canceled at the last minute, whatever. You know, that's sometimes there's just somebody to forgive. So it turns out every day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:03

But making space for it kind of takes the pressure off. Like I can get used to her judging me, basically.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

In a loving way. Cause I already forgave you the first time you found out about it. Um, yeah, so we don't always have to be anchored, right? Like ships aren't always anchored. They're not always in port. Sometimes you pull the anchor up, you're going to a new destination, you know that it's gonna be different, right? There's not that same level of stability when you're moving from one place to another place in a relationship or in life or in seasons of change. So the growth and transformation is also, I think, understanding that when we need those practices, we have them there. But we can also be open to like what, yeah, what might need to move. If we need to talk about and have a conversation about forgiveness, it's not during our morning check-in session.

SPEAKER_03 14:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

Right. It's not always on that schedule or, you know, attached to those things, even though they can be supportive practices. I think that our relationships also exceed that.

SPEAKER_03 14:17

Yeah. Sometimes it's appropriate to roll with the waves or float where the current is taking you. I think about our practice of when you get a crick and then we perform a heated fight to sort of move that energy. It's like, okay, you got a crick. What is it? Well, there's something there. And I think to me, that's an example of where we understand that it's about to be rocky and we're leaning in to it, you know. Uh, and it's good to know what really holds you, holds your love ship down, or what holds down any relationship really in tumultuous times. I think it's like faith building. It's like, I know we can handle whatever comes. It's it's feels good.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

And it can be different in every relationship, you know, and in our relationships to other people, like and our relationships to ourselves, right? So especially some of our are definitely sweetness, humor, affection, playfulness. Those are things that bring us back into remembering we're in this together. Sleep. Sleep.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

Like when take a nap, we could take a nap when we're like disagreeing or heated. We can snuggle.

unknown 15:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Um, and then we have it for ourselves. Right. I mean, I think that like my my grounding practices have to do with dance, have to do with being inside my body and having that as a daily practice, right? When it comes to like what nourishes me and holds me, those then become repeated, right? Repeated practices.

SPEAKER_03 15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

And I think what's exciting for us about even sharing this idea that we experience in our relationship with our community is that we can continue to find those in all our friendships and our relationships with coworkers, and like what are those things that actually keep us present in what the relationship is about, and what would it mean to just intentionally have that be the case?

SPEAKER_03 16:10

Yeah. So speaking of navigation, our first North Star is. And we're at North Star, Church of the Arts in Durham, North Carolina. And our first North Star is you can be prepared by identifying what the resilience strategy is before you need it. Take the anchor with you on the ship. Oh, it's it's crucial.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

Do you imagine you left the anchor? Oh no.

unknown 16:37

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

And sometimes the way to find that is just like, what do I really love about this relationship? Right? Our second North Star is sometimes we need to move and grow and change, and sometimes we need to be still and remember what holds us down.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Yeah. And our third North Star is the chain is as important as the anchor. Chain or rope.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Chain or rope. Or bungee.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Does that work?

SPEAKER_02 17:04

I have no idea. Okay. Knowing what gets you.

SPEAKER_03 17:09

Knowing what gets you access to the resilience strategy is just as important as the strategy itself. Yes. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

So now we get to the question part. We are really excited about any questions that you all may have. Or testimonies. Or testimonies that you may have. It's of course completely optional. Nobody has to share.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

Yeah, and if you're feeling super shy, I didn't bring the note cards. I guess you could write it down and we could read it for you.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Yep. If you want to write something down, we can read it for you. Um, this could be about love ship in general. It could be about this idea of anchoring in practice, or it could be something that's just on your mind when you think about relationships as spiritual practice. Shall we a few moments for people to reflect?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Yeah, take your questions. Okay. Take a moment.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Okay. So I'm wondering because y'all are both public people to some degree, and you garner a lot of respect. And your relationship, I feel like, because you work together on things like the podcast and and North Star and artistic ventures, spiritual ventures, you have your relationship is somewhat public as well, which is really beautiful, and and you've kind of opened it up for, I mean, very deliberately for people to see as an example. Um I'm curious what that's like, and I'm curious with all the tools you're talking about, if there are difficulties or maybe real opportunities for your relationship, either or both that come from that public element.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

Yeah. I definitely think they're both. I think I mean one of the opportunities is that we get to like reflect on these things. Like, I don't I don't think necessarily if we weren't doing this podcast, we would just be like riffing out on the metaphor of the anchor, like at length. You know, like we might, because we I mean we do nerd out, but we there's there's a certain thing about we decided that for this year, every single week, we want to offer tools to our community. Right. It causes us to be like, okay, well, what about because we haven't talked about running out of gas. That's you don't you think it happened in a different state than I think it happened in, right? We haven't talked about it.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

It increases, I think, the frequency, not like frequency, like level, but how frequently it happens. How frequently it happens. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

But I also feel like there's a lot of vulnerability. And I mean, who knows like what the timing of our growth or, you know, like I think that we're still growing and changing in real time as we do this, right? We're not doing this because we like, we figured it out, we have the perfect relationship. We're just doing this because our elders have taught us so many things, we've learned so many things along the way. And if we wait until we have a perfect relationship, that will never happen, and then we'll never be able to share. So yeah, I think that um I think that it can be tender and kind of vulnerable to have that be the case, knowing that, you know, there are we don't know. Like we don't know what other people project onto us, we don't know exactly what people are gonna take away from it. But I do think that in our practices, like I think about what you say, you know, in your sermons, or I I think about like how I try to be in public also, is like we weren't pretending like we actually were perfect people that had it all figured out. And there's a lot of open-heartedness in the way that we engage community, and we're doing it because we want that communion, right? Um so there's alignment there, but that doesn't mean that it's that it's easy.

SPEAKER_03 21:18

Yeah. I would also say that we're modeling the sort of intimacy that we want to build with other people in love ships, people that I know y'all probably have heard us use the term lovebirds, people that aren't in a committed romantic partnership, um, but want to be in whether romantic partnership or other forms of household. We want that to be something that we have, you know, because we don't have our culture has become so dispersed, and we are not doing um extended family networks that are close to each other, like you know. Maybe whether it's true or a myth that we used to do, we still need those resources. Um and I think as much as I love my community and people that are in relationships and I want them to have what they need, and so we're doing this. I want to have what I need, and so we're doing this. And I think we definitely, not I think, we definitely have boundaries and things that we don't feel comfortable sharing, things that we're growing through in the moment, and it's like, well, this little piece of it is cool, so let's talk about that. But this rest of it, let's figure it out, and then we could talk about it later. And I think that that's important to um to have boundaries and to feel safe in the things that you're making. And I think also we relate differently to what it means to be in public and to show up. Like, I'm like, whatever this is, whether it looks presentable or it doesn't, here it is.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

And I think Alexis is more a representational avatar for multitudes and generations of my ancestors. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

Yeah. And so I think we balance each other out. Thank you for that. That was a great question. All right. Well, if all hearts and minds are clear, do we have any announcements?

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Yeah. Sunday, right here at North Star Church of the Arts, we're having a revival. Shango Dare is gonna offer a sermon. I'm gonna offer a poetic oracle.

SPEAKER_03 23:37

And we're gonna do some congregational singing. And you're all invited. Yeah, Sunday at 11 a.m. And we're really thinking that we're gonna end by 12:30. So no pressure. We're not gonna be here all day.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

We're not gonna be here all day. You might have brunch plans that you can keep. Yeah. We'd love to see you there.

SPEAKER_03 23:57

Yeah. All right. Well, until next time, farewell. We did it. Thank y'all.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Thank you so much for listening to the September podcast.

SPEAKER_03 24:19

If this conversation spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it.

SPEAKER_02 24:24

And don't forget to leave us a question to cover on an episode and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps more people find the show. Until next week, stay in the ship as an offering for yourself, your community, and our collective spirit.