37. Urgent versus Important

On this episode hosts Sangodare and Alexis distinguish what is urgent (time-based) from what is important (value-based) amid capitalist pressures. Using experiences around Black Feminist Film School production and podcast scheduling, they emphasize that clarity about the important attracts community support, while urgency can undermine rest and presence. They invite listeners to a virtual Juneteenth Patreon date night and take a listener question on addressing a loved one dating someone potentially harmful.

• Urgent vs Important Explained
• Scarcity and Stolen Time
• Rest, Boundaries and ‘Passing It On’

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hi, I'm Alexis Pauline Gums. And I'm Shango Dari Wallace. And this is September, a podcast for love ships.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

We're two lovebirds who decided to intentionally create a love ship and share the insights we gather with the world.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

For the past 17 years, we've been relating to our love ship as a sacred space for spiritual practice.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

This podcast is our space to reflect on the insights we've found and been given with you.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, okay, situationships, every bond has the potential to become an offering to a higher vibration for the world. One choice, one act of care, one repair at a time.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

So, if you're ready to think expansively about love, community, and spirit, you're in the right place. So glad you're here. Hello, my mighty Libra with Capricorn Rising, who can see the way to do all the things from every angle at all times.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Hello, sweet cancer rising Tinderoni, who so loves and cherishes the people and their growth that you cry a full cry at every graduation, championship, sports ball game, culminating milestone. And if we don't hold you down or hold on to you, you may also scream yourself hoarse.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

And to keep it in balance, I'm also the one who wakes up with a cortisol spike if we watch something too drama-filled close to bedtime, or if I'm in a low estrogen part of my cycle, I just learned.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

And I'm the one who may not get to some of the important matters of the day because I am working on how to facilitate sustainability for my entire community in the moment. All the things with urgency.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

So once again, we are two sensitive and caring people still learning to let our love and sensitivity serve us and you and not sabotage us. And we are exactly as lovable as you. Today we dedicate this episode to Courtney and Ken, a couple that have loved and supported us for over 10 years, really closer to 20 years, right here in Durham. And their love has nourished this community for decades, even before we got here.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

They are the sweetest.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Artist and curator that she is, she finds the most precious objects, beautiful wonders of the world, and shares them with us. Ken is, what would you say, strong and silent type? Definitely strong. Not silent, more quiet, but you haven't been hugged until you get a Ken Eaton hug. We see Ken running, riding his bike around the city, coming back from tennis and yoga, or up on a ladder, painting a house, building a shed, growing a garden. Ken retired from teaching and coaching here in Durham and is the type of educator that we all hope for. And my favorite thing about Ken might be how he wonderfully and sweetly supports and cherishes Courtney. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Courtney is an artist, curator, and healer, and is founder of the Black Center for Documentary Studies. Black Center? Among many, many, many other things. She spent decades as director of exhibitions at the Center for Documentary Studies at Duke, where she made space for many black and brown folks, queer folks, underrepresented artists and documentarians.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

That's right. She brings curatorial magic to everything she does, whether it is her outfit or the black feminist bookmobile float in the pride parade, which is why we call her Queen Fairy Emeritus. Ken and Courtney have showed up to support us in so many ways.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Including just a couple weeks ago, when I called them for vases, like, y'all got any vases? I can come pick them up. And don't you know, they came right over and dropped off uh some vases for the plethora, the cornucopia of flowers that we had gotten for our Chrysalis retreat and revival, revival Sunday service at North Star.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

That's right. Courtney is the reason that Black Feminist Film School had a space to ground and hold many of our screenings, workshops, and especially our first Black Feminist Film School production intensive.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

So much to be grateful for in that love shit. For us and for all of Durham. And the world.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Courtney and Ken, we love you. Okay, listeners. This is your reminder that as you're listening, you can dedicate your participation in this episode to anyone. Maybe someone who inspires you, curates brilliance, offers you wonderful gifts, inspires you with their strength and dedication.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

That's right. Okay, dedication launched.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Ready to get into the heart of it?

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Let's grow.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

And guess what? It's still September.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Every week we have a technology for you from our journey and our teachers with North Stars that can guide you as you navigate your own hokey pokey dance. Turn yourself around of relationship as spiritual practice. And on today, we just drop by to remind you to do the first things first. Mm-hmm. I am someone who is very motivated by a due date. The problem is most of that motivation only gets fully turned on and accessible to me when the due date is, let's just say, imminent.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Pressing. To our listeners with ADHD, can you relate?

SPEAKER_01 5:59

I spent a lot of time doing the things that are most important to me, and from my perspective, most important to the world, and things that are urgent to other people, but maybe not so urgent to me. Yet I still prioritize them like they are both urgent and important to me. It's a challenge.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

It's a growing edge. Yes, listeners. And you may have come across in a workshop or a book or in an educational space a graph that shows an X and Y axis with urgent at the top and important on the side. Or maybe you haven't, but it's meant to help illustrate and make extremely clear some of the patterns we have that get in the way of the things that are most important for us to accomplish on any given day.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

See what I did there, Chrysalis, folks. Urgent means you got to address it immediately. It's about time. Important is more about the value to you, the overall value to your life and your goals. Time versus value.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Urgent versus important. It can really be a balancing act to relate with full clarity and intention in the moment with these sometimes competing voices, especially in a capitalist world where time and money are conflated and our economic deadlines are enforced with violence.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah. Feels like survival sometime.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Mm-hmm. And putting out an aspirationally weekly podcast has taught us a lot about this too. So our sacred text this week comes from someone who's not necessarily a self-identified black feminist, but who is a major hip-hop influence on this black feminist. It comes from hip-hop artist, bookstore owner Talib Kwali, also one of my dad's favorite rappers. And on the song Knowledge of Self, Determination, he says, the most important time in history is now, the present. So count your blessings, because time can't define the essence. All right. He goes on to critique the Roman calendar as a source of disconnection and stress. It's a really great song. Check it out. My other favorite line is also in instruction. Head to Philly, free mumia with that Kooji Chakalia. All right, free mumia. For us, the major imperative of the love ship practice is to be present. But there are so many urgencies in capitalism that take us out of the understanding that at every moment we are on a spiritual journey. The quality of our presence requires something different from hustling to meet other people's expectations about what we do with our time.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

I remember when I was working on When We Free, the first film production done in our community as Black Women's Film School and hosted by Courtney at CDS. Thank you, Courtney. Anyway, at the same time that I was supposed to be in the final two weeks of pre-production, we were moving. And I was completely overwhelmed trying to coordinate a film production week with over 30 people involved from around the country and all the trauma and drama of moving at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

It was a hard time. But it happens often that at the same time as major community offerings, we are also having a major lift in our family or personal lives. Again, can anyone listening relate?

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Yeah. Once we were in it, and then of course, also in hindsight, I can see how I was relating to the move like it was urgent and unaware that though it was urgent, it was not important. The film didn't feel urgent in the moment, but it was immensely important. And I didn't have the tools at the time to see that we could have planned ahead and postponed the move to give me time to settle in to pre-production. So there you go.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

With that clarity, though, we were able to relate to post-production quite differently. Our beloved Amara Perez agreed to let us contract her to organize Shango Dari's office so you could focus exclusively on editing, and multiple community members collaborated to help bring you food at the office.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

An office, I might add that I shared with my beloved chosen family, Corey Robinson, who owned an office office condo? Office suite? Anyway, yes. I would come in every day and only edit and eat and drink water, of course.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

I helped keep you focused as you recruited community like Omi and Corey to do voiceovers as you created authentic-looking period-specific newspapers. You composed the music, you did the editing, you filmed the pickups and reframes. That's what we say for what other people call reshoots, because we practice spiritual filmmaking with a practice of resonant film language, and we're pushing back against the militaristic uh use of the camera. Anyway, you were a full post-production team, which was very important, and it required a significant period of focus.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Yeah. And we did have a timeline. So time was involved because we had given a specific date for the screening, which was held at a CDS theater that we were able again to access also by the same court. Courtney Reed Eaton. When we are clear about what is important, I really truly, madly deeply, believe that it gives the universe, it gives spirit, and especially our whole community access to plugging into what we're doing. Gives them access to see the intersections with what they are most passionate about, motivated by the important things to them. The important is a magnet for the important. The important is a magnet for the important. Whereas urgent, I feel like is less so. Maybe even a little bit repelling in how we represent urgency in our community versus how we present the important.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yeah, this is really important. I think I think it's actually revolutionary. And it gets at this way that urgency and the constant idea of scarcity and urgency keeps us in this place of not being tapped into our greatest power. That's right, which is each other, right? Which is each other. And which we're understanding who we need to be to each other by trusting that instinct and impulse of what is deeply important to us in our lives.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

Right. I mean, how can the people in our lives know what's important to us if they just see us showing up for whatever the urgency is?

SPEAKER_01 12:57

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Right. And I think about Rashida Phillips, shout out, We love Black Quantum Futurism, Rashida Phillips' book, Dismantling the Master's Clock. She has done all this incredible work about how black communities in particular, in particular poor Black communities, are having their time stolen from them all the time. Right. So the urgency of having to meet this deadline, this deadline, this deadline, and then economic consequences for not showing up for the urgency have stolen our ability to actually create the long-term stability and the community goals that are our actual priorities.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Yeah. And when I think about our work with the Chrysalis experience and what comes up in that circle, it's so related to this, to this potential shift that we can make to be investing in what's important to us and what overflows from that gets to pour into the whole community. It's just such, it's such abundance. It's really such abundance. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Yeah. Yeah. So y'all can find out more about the Chrysalis. You can see it in the show notes. We would love for you to be involved. But this tool is really about bringing consciousness to this. And we can set ourselves up to have less distracting urgencies, at least over the things that we're doing voluntarily, like this podcast in our case.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

For example, right?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

A context of urgency and scarcity can be challenging when more than one thing is important at a time. Like I wish we had stacked some episodes of this podcast before our recent travel to be with loved ones out of town, so we didn't feel stressed about the weekly recording when what was important to us in that moment was being present with chosen family in real-time space. But it also felt important to show up with consistency for you, our beloved listeners. If we had a better plan and maybe had blocked out some time earlier, we could have been abundantly present in both ways. Both. Lesson learned, I hope.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Well, those who do not hear will feel.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

I mean, thank you, Jeremiah Gomes. So yeah, and sometimes reacting to urgency, this is part of this lesson that I feel like I'm in. We can trick ourselves into skipping steps. So the other day, I felt like we both worked past exhaustion because we have some important timeline access points coming up that feel urgent. But in meeting those urgencies, we neglected the basic importance of real rest and nourishment. And I'm distinguishing real rest and nourishment from those like coping mechanisms like snacks and television that keep us going, even though we're actually exhausted.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Yeah, they accompany us so we can stay awake.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

But we need it to actually probably go to sleep. Anyway, I feel like I got so tired that I wasn't my best self when I was communicating with you, mostly because I really should have been asleep. But neglecting basic important needs, important food, sleep, water, stability to meet external constructed urgencies can leave us working from a deficit, which is not the quality of presence we want to give our communities or each other. It can be hard, especially if, like me, you have a major hyperventilation level fear of disappointing other people. It can be hard not to let urgency override priority again and again. Which now that I think about it is probably why I tend to stack the things that are most important to me, my spiritual practice, my writing, at the dark beginning of the day, the early, early morning. But no one is expecting anything from me urgently.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Right. And in our partnerships, an external urgency can be a block to the clarity we need around what is important to us individually and as a love ship. But if we can tap into purpose, understand what's really important for us to accomplish, it can make all the difference in the world. I mean, even in this moment, I think about our living room or great room, whatever you call that space, and its ever-evolving function, like today, is what's in there now a representation of the things that are most important to me. You, us, like at this time. Anyway, I certainly feel like I've got access to more levity and joy, more creativity when I work from important and not urgent. So many things just fall away, so much confusion and distraction just melt, just melt. I was talking to my brilliant coach the other day, and he helped me come up with a phrase for myself. Pass it on. When someone brings me something that's urgent to them, it doesn't mean it needs to be urgent to me. I can respond by passing it on, passing it on to a resource or a somebody who can address and respond to that urgency, whether or not it's objectively important or not. There's somebody who what's important to them in the world is relating to whatever that situation is, whatever that need is. There's a who that can meet the need, and I can pass it on whenever I need to. If I care about them and it's urgent to them, I can still respond with care and love without making it urgent to me. Thank the Lord for that clarity.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you for good coaches.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

What's our first North Star? Our first North Star is there is a difference between urgent and important. Figure it out. Figure out what's important for you and your love ship and let it be your guide. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah, that's a good conversation to have in love shift. And our second North Star is what Shangodai just said, delegate. You can pass on the things that may be urgent and important to others, but aren't actually in the center of what's important to you.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Our third North Star is practice. Use this month as an example and make an actual list. I drew a calendar on my desk, for example. Make a list of all the things that are up for you and evaluate, which are most important for the life you are building, which are external urgencies that you may be able to bracket or pass on. Our third North Star is practice. So do we have a listener question? Yeah. But first, we have an invitation for you. We'll be back in one minute and one second, which you could skip, but you might miss a love connection.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

I'm really excited to see who catches that reference. Okay. Thank you so much for being with us. You are so important to us beyond the Roman calendar. But speaking of dates, for our Patreon supporters, we will be having a Juneteenth date night on June 19th. We would love to see you there. It's virtual. You can come, whatever time zone you live in. The link to join the Patreon community is in the show notes.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

You can also send us a tax-deductible donation via text to give, because maybe you don't want to be in the Patreon ecosystem. Anyway, so you can send a text to this number, 53555. That's right. Send us a text to the phone number, 5355. And what should you say in that message?

SPEAKER_00 20:45

All you have to put in your message is September. Then press send. Thank you for supporting us to love you as we are. As we are. Okay, listener question. This is a question we got off from in these relationship is spiritual practice street. Somebody asked what to do or how to approach a situation where your loved one is dating someone that is potentially harmful. The emphasis I remember was that it wasn't about disliking the person. It was about the way the person was having a negative impact on someone they cared about and on their loved ones' existing relationships. Yeah. So what do you think? Harmful, not necessarily violent, but how do you address that, deal with that if it's your loved one, your sibling, your sister friend, your cousin, your work bestie, a parent? Yeah. A child.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Oh, goodness gracious. Well, I know I've done it the wrong way. So some learning there. Oh no. I've been I've been slapped on the wrist by an elder, but only once. So at least, you know, I'm not repeating. Um, so I don't really know, but here are some options I think that that come to my mind right now. First of all, it depends on your level of intimacy with that person. Like, if y'all ain't really connected like that, you really need to keep your mouth sh shut. But if you do have a level of intimacy with that person, I think this is one one place to begin. Thinking about do you should you be answering a question that your loved one hasn't asked? Like if they haven't opened up an invitation for that conversation, maybe that's not something that you need to talk about. But I think also so so less rigid than that, is thinking about is it your business? Like, were you invited into that relationship? Do they talk about their relationship? Are you one of the people that when they, you know, first started to introduce that person to their circle, their friends, family, were you one of the people that was included in that? Um are they consistently talking about that person to you, the ups and the downs? If so, then maybe you are in that business and it could be something you could, you know, venture into with curiosity. Maybe curiosity and not opinions is a way to enter into that. I think another option is um go to an elder. Ultimately, if I had to do it all over again from when I did it wrong, I would have just gone to an elder and sort of freely vented and expressed my concern and either let the elder handle it, or maybe the elder would make some sort of suggestions about how to approach it. And again, elder, not older, not just somebody that's older than you, but somebody that it's elder that's demonstrated their wisdom. And an elder to both of you, actually. So somebody that you both love and respect and are in relationship with. So I wonder, listeners, you know, what would you do? You know, I could I could put a poll on your Instagram, Lexis, because what would it look like for us to have a culture where we create a safe enough container, a sort of culturally resonant protocol for sticky, challenging situations like this where people could just opt in, you know?

SPEAKER_00 24:23

Yeah, I think it I think it is a cultural question, right? It's hard to think about how do we respond to this as an individual. And I also think that we always have the opportunity and the power to pour love into a situation, right? So if this is one of our loved ones, we named all kinds of different ways. It could be your loved one, your bestie, your sibling, whoever. I think it's always possible to um pour love in through affirming the person, through communicating. Maybe like I'm thinking if the if this was a person who I loved and I felt like they were in a relationship that was harmful or that was isolating them in some way or whatever, I think without necessarily saying something bad about the person they're in relationship with, I could invite a conversation where we talk about relationship and what we want. I could affirm how lovable and loved they are and you know, that I just have these big wishes and dreams for them to be loved and held in a way that is liberating and expansive and open. And I want to support them in creating that. And I want their support and creating that in my life and relationships, right? So I think that sometimes for myself, I can get caught up like, well, I'm just an individual. I'm not trying to be gossipy, I'm not trying to be shady and I'm not trying to disrespect somebody else's relationship. But and I don't I don't get to control, you know, the decisions that somebody else makes in their relationship at the end of the day. And we're talking about something that we see as harmful, not straight up violence. That's different. Sometimes we may either swoop in and just, you know, um intervene, right? But I think in this case, it really is an opportunity to look at what is the love that's underneath that? What is the clarity of what I want for this person that's underneath that, which is probably connected to what I also want for myself. Right. So it could be possible for us to come together in a conversation that amplifies those things, you know, to think and strategize in ways that are about that positivity, you know, and for us to remember together what's possible, what we deserve, what we have. And then that also allows them to know that I'm a person who is there for them when it comes to relationship, right? In a positive, affirming, loving way, like I want their happiness and I'm here for it. And maybe that means that if there was something that they needed or that that they wanted to shift, or you maybe that would make it more likely that they would come to me in that sort of way or um seek my advice or respect my opinion, you know, about that. So I think that both of these things are true. Like we need to have a culture where relationships are not so privatized that people are isolated and we just over here shrugging, like, well, I guess they're gonna just be unhappy until they figure out they don't want to be with that person. And understanding that we are vessels of love. Everybody who's listening to this podcast is a vessel of love. That's why you're listening. I know. I know you. I know that's why. And we can pour love into every situation. And it's drawing from the love for ourselves, the love we want for ourselves, the love we feel for other people. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just a discernment of how to relate to that and communicate it as love.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Yeah, I love that. I'll add those to my poll.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Yeah, let's add it to the poll.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Yeah. Okay. Well, we love you so much. We always want to do the best things for you, say the most encouraging, enlightening, uplifting, careful things to you and relate in that vibration as well. Well, until next time.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Thank you so much for listening to the September podcast. If this conversation spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it. And don't forget to leave us a question to cover on an episode and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps more people find the show. Until next week, stay in the ship as an offering for yourself, your community, and our collective spirit.