44. Love to Work It Out

On this episode hosts Alexis and Sangodare discuss how grace, generosity, clear communication of needs, and non-judgment help them stay on the same team when neurodivergence, grief, or overwhelm makes tasks hard. They share an Audre Lorde excerpt about labor, love, fun, and purpose. They offer three “North Stars” and announce registration for the September Chrysalis Experience cohort during their 18th anniversary weekend.

• Household roles and nonjudgement
• Grace and Generosity
• Naming Needs

When Sangodare says “God is the source of our supply,” they are quoting Rev. Edwene Gaines an author and minister who spoke at Agape Spiritual Center. 

When Sangodare says “even my errors are correct” they are referencing Nikki Giovanni’s poem “Ego Tripping.”

When Alexis says “inherently valuable” she is always referencing the 1977 Combahee River Collective Statement. 

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Because love is living with purpose, join us for our second Chrysalis Cohort this September! More info here:https://www.blackfeministfilmschool.com/offers/oKhBLdfo

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RESOURCES 

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alexispauline.com 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi, I'm Alexis Pauline Gums. And I'm Shango Dari Wallace. And this is September, a podcast for love ships.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

We're two lovebirds who decided to intentionally create a love ship and share the insights we gather with the world.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

For the past 17 years, we've been relating to our love ship as a sacred space for spiritual practice.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

This podcast is our space to reflect on the insights we've found and been given with you.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, okay, situationships, every bond has the potential to become an offering to a higher vibration for the world. One choice, one act of care, one repair at a time.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

So, if you're ready to think expansively about love, community, and spirit, you're in the right place. So glad you're here. Hello, Shango Dare, dazzling duster getting the detailed nooks and crannies of clean here and there around our house.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Hello, Alexis, wrangling receptionist who makes the phone calls. I crawl under the covers and hide from.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

And to keep it in balance, I'm also the one who doesn't want anybody to tell me what to do or expect me to do anything at all, if I'm honest. Just learned it's called demand avoidance.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Oh. And I'm the one that won't usually clean anything that's too, too dirty. I gotta call husband Alexis for that. Or professionals, I suppose.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Yeah, usually me. So once again, we are two administrative and domestic partners, inconsistently supporting what needs to get done, but consistently in love. And we are exactly as lovable as you. Today we dedicate this podcast to Beth and Aileen. Your love story is such an inspiration to us. We could hear it again and again, and we plan to have you on a future season of this podcast to tell everyone. Please.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

We love the way you support each other's creativity and how you made a home together that feels like walking into your love story.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Murals and everything. And I love that you two have an ongoing sweet argument over who is the luckiest one to be with the other one. No, I'm the lucky one. Also, we love your porch. We aspire to do life with the joy and sweetness that we see in you. Beth and A-Ling, we love you. And listeners, this is your reminder to dedicate your listening of this podcast to someone who inspires you. Maybe someone who you aspire to be more like. More sweet with. Or who makes you feel super lucky.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Okay, dedication launched. Ready to get into the heart of it?

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Let's grow.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

And guess what? It's still September.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

Every week, we have a technology for you from our journey and our teachers with North Stars that can guide you as you navigate your own wipe me down dance of relationship and spiritual practice. And on today, we just dropped by to remind you love can work it out. Work it out? Work it out. Anyway, love can work it out, y'all. Well, we try to work it out.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Love can work it out. Beloveds, Alexis and I have different relationships to work. Also, we come in and out of being in balance and out of balance in relationship to work. True, true, true.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

But what we have learned over the years and what we've witnessed in our elders is that grace, generosity, and getting clear on what you need, what is true for you in the moment makes all the difference in the world when it comes to them different relationships to work.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

In other words, having access to love and peace in the moment makes the difference.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Like I juggle a lot of complex things at home and work.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Multiple things in the air, juggling. Then I manage discrete tasks on a very specific schedule.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Yeah, if it has to be done by a certain time or consistently, it's a bit of a struggle for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

And if it has a lot of business-y technology or expensive moving parts, I'd rather not.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

And even though we know that, we sometimes still don't want to play our part. Whatever has been our historically appropriate role, we're like, mm-mm, not gonna do it. Right. And even then, even then, especially then, really, we lean into our practices. I mean, who are we gonna hold space for while they're wildin' out, if not for each other? True. So it's it's my responsibility to maintain the laundry. I'm the IT department, I'm the audio and video editor, I'm the in-house junior handyman or handy person. I can't really do that much handy, but you know, I could I could do a little bit of a handy. You handy man. I'm the driver. You know, I have these historic roles in our household and our partnership.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

And I'm the cook, the receptionist, the trash and recycling team, the dishwasher, the social coordinator, the internalized human calendar, et cetera. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

And what we know is that sometimes we get to decide to help out in an area that's not our usual area of contribution. Other times, I have to just recognize that the dishes are in the sink, we're hungry, the trash needs to go out, but you know what? Let's order some food and snuggle on the couch because we're tired. You're hungry or sad or whatever might be going on, but we get to prioritize being present to love and address the task, the to-dos, the work later. If either or both of us are having a wildin' out when I'm a sleepy toddler moment, we get to hold space for that.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Uh sleepy toddler, I feel directly attached. Exactly. There may be a mountain of dirty laundry and baskets and hampers, and also a mountain of clean clothes on the bed waiting to be folded. While also the websites need to be updated, the videos need to be edited, but you are uh melting candle wax out of old candles or playing a card game on your phone. Why? Because you're tired or overwhelmed. And I can accept that because I accept you. Hmm. And I can find the request for the thing I really need if I need something and give grace, even if I feel a way about it.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah, that's right. I mean, I think sometimes, you know, our neurodivergence, our nervous systems, or just the the grief and strain of living in our current context can put us in a way. And we want to be, we choose to be on the same team when those situations come up. And I feel like it really provides a foundation for us for just peace, joy, and happiness. Like I am not wrong in how I'm feeling in this moment. And the s the sweetness and joy and support that you bring to me in those moments give me so much more access, I think, even to getting that restoration and bouncing back, bounding back into my life that I do love, the things that I am excited to be doing, you know?

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah, I think it's it's the sweetness that comes from knowing that our love ship is a space where we're not just valued for what we do or those roles that we play. Like we're inherently valued, and that can be nourishing and energizing just to remember that.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Yeah. There's a space of non-judgment, even if we have to remind each other to go to that space, like, but I can't remember. Like, right, click, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Yeah, and I mean, I think it's it's also some eye-to-eye neurodivergence. Like, we were not built for adulting. Anyway, um, our sacred text was going to come from Bayesian Queen Rihanna's song, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work. But then I read the lyrics and I realized I had no idea what that song is about. So instead, we'll go back to our most quoted, always in my heart, poet Audrey Lorde, who's also Bayesian on her daddy's side. This is from Today Is Not the Day. By this rising, some piece of our labor is already half done. The taste of loving, doing a bit of work, having some fun, riding my wheels so close to the line, my eyelashes blaze.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

That so resonates being close to the fire, close to the flame of what needs to be done, you know, but God is the source of my supply. I, oh, at least what's surprising, you know, even my errors are correct, you know. What I'm the life that I'm creating is not coming from my working and my doing. I'm manifesting and transfesting from an energy field, from an ecosystem of love and support that's embodied and in spirit. You know what I mean? Like the things that I'm speaking, it's in these, those moments of choice that I really get to practice. I really get to decide who am I and what is life? You know, I'm I'm on purpose, and in any given moment, that purposeful work can be rest, it can be play, it can be asking for help, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Could be a snuggle. Yeah, and refer back to the important versus urgent episode that's right um we offered before.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Yeah. Okay. So I got a little story for you. Storytime. Picture it. It's a hot, hot summer. Hot. The air conditioning has gone out in the house. Lord. But we don't realize until the middle of the night when we both wake up sweating. Alexis is freaking out, and I'm not, but I'm a little bit kicking myself because I feel like Spirit was giving me signs to have our um HBAC system checked, and I just wasn't being still enough to really receive, to really hear it. But as soon as it was hot, I was like, oh right.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

And this is happening on a night when we both have to get up at like three in the morning because I have an international flight.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Right. So I'm like, don't worry, we can just turn on the fan. We got a ceiling fan.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

And I'm like, bet, say less, turn it on.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

So we're both so tired already from a full, full day. But I know that both because you're the one that's gonna be traveling and because you don't know how to clean the ceiling van. Like I want to clean, so you know, especially when I'm asleep. And tired in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

That's right. Yeah, you really stepped up and that was really sweet.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

So it's my time to shine. I'm like, but wait, I have to clean it off. But wait, you know, thoroughly. Um, because Lord knows how much dust is up there since we don't use it. I get my little stepladder, some paper towels, of course I need a little trash bag for the little paper towels, some actual cloth towels to cover everything up that, you know, any dust from the fan might fall on. And then I gotta get my gloves.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

And I'm seeing this like between flashes of sleep and waking up, thinking, like, please don't fall off this stepladder above your head.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

So I take my time though, because I gotta be specific. And uh I can't actually see the top of the ceiling fan blade. So I'm wiping until there's no dust on any of the blades. And I double triple check each and every one of them. And then I go get the little living room air purifier because, you know, certainly there's dust in the air now at this point, and I bring it into room in the room. I take the blanket off the bed, and we just get under the sheets and finally go to sleep.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

And this is the thing it's so important to you, and you're so specific about it, and I'm allergic to dust. Likewise. But we usually don't use the ceiling fans because you don't feel like you have the capacity to climb up there and dust them and clean them consistently. Because there's so many of them, and usually the air conditioner works.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Right. Usually it works. So it's in these times when something shifts or changes or goes left that you have the opportunity to tap into that grace. So I feel like you probably had more access to grace for how long I was taking and the fact that the fans wasn't clean in the first place because you were asleep. Which kind of makes the point that we're saying of like what gives you access to sweetness, grace, ease, peace in the moment. I'm like, shoot, does that mean just go to sleep? Go lay down.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Sometimes it does. And sometimes it means adapt.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Yeah. Gotta adapt and and honor each other. Like, I feel like in that moment, even though you were in and out of sleep, at least by the next morning, you you could have the gratitude that I am the one that holds that particular space, even though I'm not doing it all the time. Because no, I do not have on my weekly or monthly agenda clean the top of the ceiling fans.

unknown 14:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Sometimes you gotta adapt. And there are certain things that you're specific about, just like I'm specific about the ceiling fans and was able to step up in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Right. When it's like, oh, actually we need to show up for this today, or we told our community we would do this. Let's make it happen.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Yeah. It's like that executive function, you can turn it on and then kind of pull or thrust me into it.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Okay, thrust. All right. So our uh three North stars are the following. First North Star is we may all have different relationships to work. And even our relationships to work may come and go. And that's okay. We can still practice peace and acceptance.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Our second North Star is in our loveships and relationships, being particular can be a gift. It can also be a gift that requires patience. Bring your patience and resilience strategies to this too. To all the gifts as they come, they go. Particular.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Our third North Star is we are all walking contradictions. It is what it is. Work it out. Or maybe what we can say instead is find the balance and tell the truth. It will make you free. All right. Do we have uh any announcements? Yes. Registration is still open for our September cohort of the Chrysalis experience. There are about 50 amazing people in the community so far, and we would love for you to join the journey. So you can find out more about the retreat, which is actually on our 18th anniversary weekend this September at the link in the show notes or at mobilehomecoming.org slash chrysalis or mobilehomecoming.org slash love ship. Yeah. Okay then. Until next time, join the Patreon and Fairwell. Thank you so much for listening to the September podcast. If this conversation spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it. And don't forget to leave us a question to cover on an episode and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps more people find the show. Until next week, stay in the ship as an offering for yourself, your community, and our collective spirit.