45. Love to Nourish: Nourishing Our Love

On this episode hosts Alexis and Sangodare ask listeners to notice what experiences sustain versus deplete. A story about an upgraded all-inclusive resort in St. Lucia comically illustrates how what looks valuable may not be nourishing. They offer journaling prompts, share three “North Stars” about nourishment, and announce Sangodare’s wedding officiating plus the September Chrysalis Experience retreat and virtual cohort.

• Nourishment In Love
• Discerning what depletes vs. replenishes
• Connection over extraction

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hi, I'm Alexis Pauline Gums. And I'm Shango Dari Wallace. And this is September, a podcast for love ships.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

We're two lovebirds who decided to intentionally create a love ship and share the insights we gather with the world.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

For the past 17 years, we've been relating to our love ship as a sacred space for spiritual practice.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

This podcast is our space to reflect on the insights we've found and been given with you.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, okay, situationships, every bond has the potential to become an offering to a higher vibration for the world. One choice, one act of care, one repair at a time.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

So, if you're ready to think expansively about love, community, and spirit, you're in the right place. So glad you're here. Hello, sweet and spicy Shango Dare, who makes the best sweet potato pie in the world. It's like the ancestors speak to you through your hands.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Hello, yummy Lexi, who I blink, and suddenly you're feeding me a full and balanced, delicious meal.

SPEAKER_02 1:16

And speaking of balance, to keep it in balance, I'm also the one who wants French fries all the time, more than almost any other form of food in the world, except fried plantain. The potato theme, huh?

SPEAKER_01 1:30

My starch tastic sweeba baba. And I'm the one who takes so long to cook that you have to eat at least one meal while I'm still cooking.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

So, once again, we are two culinarily talented and also sometimes very hungry people. And we are exactly as lovable as you. Today we dedicate to Savannah and Kenshada, who are out here nourishing generations and saving lives. We praise and celebrate your revolutionary lives and your revolutionary love.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Savannah is a leader in her field as a black feminist educator and anthropologist of education. I'm mesmerized by how schooled I am when I get to hear her present. And Kinshada is a doctor saving lives as a pediatric emergency specialist. Fashion specialist, too, if you ask me.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Y'all are literally out here saving the babies in the schools and in the hospital. And I'll never forget when we visited y'all when Kinshada was in med school in that super new modern but tiny kitchen, and Savannah made the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

And they were vegan. A proprietary recipe that we still don't know. And don't get us started on them doubles.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

Now we live on opposite coasts, but we so deeply admire the way your spiritual diligence sources your relationship and your parenting with so much intentionality, so many peaceful decisions, so much love.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Savannah, you electrify every space with the sharpest, most brilliant humor, and even an ever-present opportunity to dance.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

And Kinsada, you brighten every experience with that billion watt smile. Savannah and Kinsada, we love you. All right, listeners, this is your opportunity to dedicate your listening to this podcast to someone who you love and admire. Maybe somebody who can bake, maybe somebody who's out here saving lives, or a dance partner, or a laugh buddy. Okay, dedication launched. Ready to get into the heart of it?

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Let's grow. And guess what? It's still September. Every week we have a technology for you from our journey and our teachers with North Stars that can guide you as you navigate your own vegan chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup, or I guess you could say, veggie noodle soup. Well, that's soda on the show. That's right, that's right, that's right. Dance of relationship as spiritual practice. And on today, we just dropped by to remind you love nourishes us when we nourish love. Mm-hmm. Today we want to talk about nourishment. And not just because we are trying to attract one or three of y'all to be our in-home chefs, but also because we believe that love is sustaining and nourishing, or it could be, really, really could be. And we get to practice refining what is and is not nourishing for us in relationships, just like we do in our food choices. It's not static. It's an evolutionary dance.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

It really is. And our sacred text for today comes from Zoranil Hurston in her autobiography, Dust Tracks on a Road, where she says, I have been in Sorrow's Kitchen and licked out all the pots.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows with a harp and a sword in my hands.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Licked out all the pots, honey. And of course, that second sentence that mentions being wrapped in rainbows is the source for the title of Valerie Boyd's crucial biography of Zora Neil Hurston. It's called Wrapped in Rainbows. You need to read it. Love and gratitude forever to my mentor, Valerie Boyd, who's now an ancestor.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yay. And congrats to you, love. Wasn't your biography of Audrey Lord just recently listed on the Power25 list of biographies alongside Wrapped in Rainbows? Oh, thank you, baby.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

I am so honored. So, this sacred text describes such a duality. Being in sorrow's kitchen and then literally being on top of the world. With a heart and a sword. These contrasts and feelings can be our teachers for what we say yes to and no to in our lives and our relationships. You would think that it would be obvious to tell the difference between sorrow's kitchen and the mountaintop.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

But why come, listeners, if sorrow's kitchen is so awful, why did our good sister ancestor Zora Neil Hurston lick out all the pots? Why? Why, Sway?

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Because sometimes we're hungry. That's right. Sometimes our need is so strong that we double down on something that is not nourishing for our spirits or even our bodies.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

And sometimes Sorrow's Kitchen is disguised as a five-star restaurant, honey. The thing you're supposed to want because everybody's hyping it up.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

So once upon a time, on the beautiful island of St. Lucia, my baby and I took a vacation. I was kind of like tacked on to some other travel, to a big, beautiful, all-inclusive resort right on the beach. I'm talking multiple pools, many amenities, supposedly a spa, a bunch of restaurants, beach sports, concerts, and nightlife. They was doing the most.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

And we had so many hotel status points from all this work going all over the country to be with you, dear listeners, that we got upgraded.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

And then let me upgrade.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

And then upgraded from the upgrade. And then somehow upgraded on top of that, which meant that not only did we get a special suite with a beautiful view, we also got a butler. A butler, y'all.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

I was like, Jeffrey, is that your girl? What even is a butler? We asked. And then we found out. A butler is the nice person who helps facilitate you to navigate all the wonderful possible experiences at this big, complicated resort.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

The butler can answer your questions. And we had a lot of questions. The butler can order drinks for you at the pool bar. But we don't actually drink alcohol, so the butler can get you priority reservations at any of the five themed restaurants.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

None of which actually met our dietary and allergen needs. Y'all got soy? The butler can get you spa reservations. But the spa was being renovated, and there were literally sheets of plastic. Sheets of plastic separating the massage tables from each other. Okay, listeners.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

Never fear. Because we still had a good time, moonlight and memories, because we were there together, and so was the ocean.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

But we definitely discovered that even with a butler and a fancy upgraded experience, this quote unquote all-inclusive space with so many options and amenities was not actually a nourishing place for us to relax and renew. Mostly because of the food. Right. But we tell this story because just because something looks nice or is expensive or is something that a lot of other people want and enjoy does not, I repeat, does not necessarily mean it's nourishing for us. Not nourishing for us as individuals or as people in relationships. I mean, the best experiences I've had in my travels have been because the place was clean. You know, the place was clean, the food was food, I could eat, and the people treated me well and thoughtfully, you know, like hospitality. And those are all choices that don't require five stars. Those are all things I can and have accessed through love. Somebody loved me and made that space. Or through a relationship. I had it, an existing deep relationship with somebody that facilitated that experience. And that's the most nourishing thing. Love, the relationship, and knowing what it is you need to feel nourished.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

It would be nice if the default setting of our society just automatically nourished us. But as of right now today, the dominant mode of our species is extractive, dissociative. We're taught to pretend we're not in a long-term love shield with this planet and as a planet. A love ship called Earth. But we are.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

We are, y'all. And so it's part of the work of love to feel into what a nourishing relation is.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

And we know it by feeling it. We know it by feeling it, exactly. As Audrey Lloyd taught us in her essay, The Uses of the Erotic, it is revolutionary to reclaim that simple feeling, that deep knowing called that feels good to me. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

This standard of nourishment can show up in big ways and in small ways. You know? It can really be a way to think about the types of relationships we want to prioritize and the practices we want to build or let go of inside of our relationships.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

So we invite you listeners to think about these questions, maybe journal with them. Is there any part of my life that is not actually nourishing me? Or not nourishing the relationships that are important to me, or my vision for how I want to be in relationship with life itself?

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Sometimes we're providing nourishment to a place that is not something that we actually want to grow. We want it to go dormant in order to be able to move forward on our journey.

SPEAKER_02 11:52

Yeah, because sometimes what we eat in is feeding trauma or ego or fear or scarcity, some of the things we're taking in practices that we're repeating. Patterns. So ask yourself, is there a pattern in your life, a practice that you have that is no longer nourishing?

SPEAKER_00 12:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Do you have an example, Alexis? Oh, why conveniently I indeed I do. Right now, as part of my Black August liberation practice, I'm fasting from TV shows. Shmoovies. And shmoobies. I realize that sitting down to watch TV has been my default mode of decompressing. But actually, as a very empathetic person, the drama in the lives of the imaginary people on the TV shows is actually stressing me out. Drama, honey. And like negatively impacting my sleep and even my energy toy too. Babe. So Oh, me? Okay. I mean, and maybe you listeners, but most immediately you. So I'm taking a break from TV, even though I do always want to watch whatever show everyone is talking about. But it doesn't actually have a regulating or restorative impact on my mental health. That's what I'm learning. And it's kind of been a default way for us to connect at the end of the day, aside from work. So I'm excited about the other forms of decompression we get to try on and see what works for us. I would rather actually talk to you than just pause sometimes and talk about these wild people on a TV and what they do.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Yeah. So that's one example. And listeners, as you journal and question what is and is not nourishing, remember, of course, you don't have to feel like you gotta vanquish whatever the thing is from your life immediately and forever. Remember the reason that Zora Neil Hurston licked out all the pots in Sorrow's Kitchen? Because sometimes it's playing a function. Like Alexis's need to just sit next to me and decompress. And we haven't quite found something to take its place. Sometimes it's playing a function and we just hadn't found something to replace it yet.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Right. But the awareness gives us more options, right? Right. Because when we were at the resort, I mean, we couldn't just swim off to some paradise filled with nourishing allergen-specific food immediately. Right. We had to just order a lot of side dishes and ask that butler guy to ask the kitchen what had secret animal products in it or soy. Never again. We tried it. But the awareness allows us to make different choices on future vacations. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Looking at our lives through a lens of nourishment is about loving ourselves and each other better. It's a practice, y'all. Not putting pressure on ourselves to have perfect practices, but just being in the practice. But just having more awareness. We can discover more options just by having that way of relating to it.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

Yes, we love you. We're not trying to make you wrong for whatever it is that you do and it's not nourishing, just like we're not wrong for whatever we're doing that's not nourishing. But with more awareness, with more compassionate space to study ourselves, we get more options.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

That's right. And life gets better and better and better and better. Amen. Anyway, first North Star. The first North Star is give yourself space to notice what feels good to you. That erotic sense Audrey Lord taught us about.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Our second North Star is just because our society values something doesn't mean that it will necessarily be nourishing for you or your relationship. Don't eat what makes you sick.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Our third North Star is remember that it is possible to build organically nourishing experiences. It just may mean slowing down, asking for support, and experiencing some trial and error. This is how we grow. This is how we do it.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

This is how we grow. This is why we grow. Any announcements? Actually, before we share about the retreat in September, right before our 18th anniversary, mind you. Yeah. I was thinking that this episode about what nourishes us reminds me of our episode a while back about creating the ceremonies we need. Mm-hmm. And you have just opened back up your practice of officiating weddings and commitment ceremonies for folks interested in going through a full process, a loveship guided process with you and us before their ceremonies. So you can learn more about that on Shangoldari's website at shangodare.com slash officiate. Or just go to shangodari.com, you'll find it. Yeah. And you can just click Shangoldare info.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

And thank you, baby. I appreciate that. Y'all, I got my whole life on our last Chrysalis check-in call. Oh, so good. My screen was full. The faces were familiar and tuned in. So, y'all, we're once again inviting you to the September cohort of the Chrysalis Experience. We've taken several circles through this process of deepening our relationship to purpose so far. And I love to see it grow. Y'all are brilliant, beautiful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

And those of y'all who've already signed up, oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I'm so excited about some of our loved ones who we'll get to see. It kicks off with a weekend retreat, and then we continue the process virtually with videos, online community, an app that Shango Daray created, plus the most sweetest check-ins. It's so fun and just affirming and faith-building in community. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Yeah. And to just like the to get to see some of the most brilliant people we know in conversation and community with one another. I'm like, what is the world going to become? Yeah. The most recent check-in, I was really excited that we were able to explore how much the Chrysalis experience allows us to create imaginal cells together and be witnessed in that creative process as well. It was like discovering another way to articulate how much this feels like prayer.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Mm-hmm. And like the imaginal cells are already there. Yeah. Thank you, Butterflies, for being our teachers and really being dad's teacher. Dear listeners, if you are in transition or you are in curiosity, this process gives each participant more access to purpose, not because you get a better, smarter to-do list, but because you tap into the power, powerful imagination, power of your creativity. We have a few spots left for the in-person retreat. And you can get more information at mobilehomecoming.org slash chrysalis. Or you don't know how to spell chrysalis, you can also see it at mobilehomecoming.org slash loveship. We have a link there and in the show notes. And you can also find out there how to join our Patreon community if you want to support the work. All right. Until next time. Farewell. Thank you so much for listening to the September podcast. If this conversation spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it. And don't forget to leave us a question to cover on an episode and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps more people find the show. Until next week, stay in the ship as an offering for yourself, your community, and our collective spirit.