Are We Rewarding the Wrong Behaviour? | Stephan Speaks - Ep 23

What happens when the behaviour we say we don't want is the behaviour we keep rewarding?

In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, Alicia Mullings sits down with **Stephan Speaks** for a conversation that goes far beyond relationships.

They explore masculinity, modern dating, social media, discipline, accountability, ambition, purpose, vulnerability, faith, healing and the uncomfortable ways our environment can shape the behaviour we eventually complain about.

Stephan challenges us to look beyond the surface.

Why are some men withdrawing from traditional ideas of courtship?

Why aren't conversations in places like the barbershop what they once were?

Are men and women being influenced by what they see rewarded online?

Why can two people face the same temptation but experience completely different levels of difficulty?

Is discipline really just about willpower or are our circumstances shaping us more than we realise?

And what happens when ambitious women struggle to find partners who can genuinely align with their purpose?

Alicia also puts herself in the hot seat, asking Stephan for honest advice about relationships, ambition and what it means to make yourself approachable when you're living a purpose-driven life.

Stephan shares practical advice on giving clearer signals of interest, approaching relationships differently, letting go of unrealistic checklists — and why sometimes you simply need to bring uncertainty to resolution.

But the conversation ultimately goes somewhere deeper.

Healing.

Fear.

Disappointment.

Faith.

And the decision to actually LIVE rather than spend your life trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Stephan's message is simple but challenging:

We cannot control everything that happens to us. We cannot guarantee that people won't disappoint us. And we cannot avoid every painful experience.

So perhaps the question isn't:

“How do I avoid getting hurt?”

Perhaps it's:

“How do I live fully anyway?”

This is a conversation about taking responsibility for the culture we create, the behaviour we reward, the choices we make and the life we are brave enough to live.

💭 **What part of this conversation challenged your thinking most?**

Tell us in the comments.

And if this conversation made you think differently about relationships, masculinity, femininity, purpose, discipline or healing, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

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00:00 — Are We Rewarding the Wrong Behaviour?
01:00 — The Barbershop, Masculinity & Community
03:00 — Why Men's Spaces Have Changed
05:30 — Social Media & The Reward System
08:00 — Are We Rewarding Bad Behaviour?
10:30 — Why Discipline Is Circumstantial
13:00 — Stop Judging People You Don't Understand
15:00 — The Chocolate Analogy: What Discipline Really Means
17:00 — Ambitious Women & Finding the Right Partner
20:00 — The Trade-Offs of Purpose & Relationships
22:00 — Why Some Men Compete With Ambitious Women
24:00 — Where Are The "Regular Guys"?
25:00 — Why High-Achieving Men Value Availability
26:30 — Why Men Aren't Approaching Women Anymore
27:30 — How Women Can Give Clearer Signals
29:00 — Four Ways To Show You're Interested
30:00 — Stop Letting Crushes Drag On
31:00 — Healing, Fear & Actually Living
33:00 — You Can't Avoid Being Hurt
34:00 — Everyone Is Capable Of Disappointing You
35:00 — Don't Let 1% Define The Other 99%
36:00 — Live Your Life To The Fullest
36:30 — Final Thoughts

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🎙️ **ABOUT SENSE ONLY**

Sense Only is a podcast for people who are tired of noise, distraction and disconnection.

We have conversations with people who are questioning the status quo, identifying problems and doing something about them.

Because change begins within and then shows up in how we live, serve, lead and contribute.

If you're ready to think deeper, question more and make sense of the world around you...

**Welcome to Sense Only.**

Subscribe and join the conversation.

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🎙️ **GUEST**

Stephan Speaks
Relationship & Personal Development Creator

Find Stefan: stephanspeakshop.com

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⚠️ This conversation contains opinions and perspectives intended to encourage discussion and reflection. You don't have to agree with everything you hear to find something worth thinking about.

#SenseOnly #StephanSpeaks #Relationships

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I went through a process where I felt like I was God's bitch. Oh. Okay? It's hard to learn how to walk with God while in your masculine. And it's not something that's being taught. Right. The church doesn't raise up masculine men. My thing is, would you rather have $10 million for the next 10 years, but then you're going to lose it after those 10 years, or just be broke the whole time? That's how people are living their lives. They're so afraid of love and being hurt and all these different things that they're staying broke. I've seen a woman, let's say online, and I'll pray and ask God, should I say something? And I felt like God told me to say something, not because this was gonna lead anywhere, just to basically bring it to an end. We are unwilling to have very difficult conversations. And the minute anyone attempts to do so, they are attacked, they are ashamed, they are called all kinds of names, they are canceled, all these things. So a lot of things go unsaid that need to be said. Not you coming to your conclusions or whatever. We don't live this world to avoid hurt or disappointment. We live this world to walk out our purpose and to experience things, right? And God wants you to live your life to the fullest.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Greetings and salutations. I'm Alicia Mullings, and this is the sense-only podcast. This podcast is for those who are tired of the noise, distraction, and disconnection in the world. It's for those who know that we need to be the change that we want to see in the world. Today, my guest is actually a trailblazer making amazing moves in terms of the relationship space. I'm so honored to be interviewing my next guest. As you all know, I've traveled to Atlanta, so we're here on the ground, and he's made a special trip just to come and see me, and I'm totally honored. I am over the moon to introduce to you Mr. Stefan Speaks.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Hey, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 2:11

I'm good. Um, thank you for coming uh once again. Uh would you mind introducing yourself to those who may not know you and what it is that you do?

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Yeah, so um Stefan Speaks. Well, my real name is Stefan Labossier, known as Stefan Speaks. I'm a certified life relationship coach. Been doing this for like, I don't know, 17 years now. It's a long time. And I'm just all about helping people with their relationships, healing is a big part of my message, connecting with your spirit, you know, and just having a living a better overall quality of life.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

What call did you receive that has actually put you in this space now? What what was the day, what was the moment that something happened that says, this is what I need to do?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

It wasn't like a day that I knew I was gonna do all of this. It was more so me going through a spiritual journey and on that journey just asking God, okay, what am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do next? And so then it was write a book, right? So I write the book. Then I just kept praying, but okay, what's next? Then it was doing a blog. Then it got certified as a coach. So it was kind of just a step-by-step thing, but I never knew what exactly I was walking towards, so to speak. You know? Like people would ask me, like, how much money I remember getting asked that all the time, how much money do you want to make with this? I'm like, I have no idea. I'm just doing what God told me to do, and I guess we'll see what happens. So yeah, and it brought me all the way here.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Yeah, amazing. No, it's I I love that because there's so many people who get, I guess, a version of a call, but they don't respond to it. So obviously we're grateful that you did because, as you said, it's it's brought you on such an amazing journey the past 17 years to the point where you fast forward, we're sitting here now. Thanks. What would you say to people who because this is an ongoing conversation that I see in terms of people scared um and reluctant to just take action? Do you have any words of advice in terms of people who have a reluctancy to actually step into what God's telling them to do?

SPEAKER_00 4:21

I think, you know, going back to how my situation played out, take it one step at a time. I think sometimes people are trying to get the big answer, the big picture to the situation. And it's like you're not ready for that yet. And if you heard the big picture, you may not do it. Like if God told me at that time it would be all of this, I don't know if I would have accepted that. Because all of these things were contrary to what I who I thought I was or what I thought my gifts were and things of that nature. So step by step is is the first thing. And you know, focus on progress. Again, you're not, it's a long journey. It's not a race, it's a marathon. So you're just trying to make progress, move in the right direction, and trust the process because it's gonna be it's gonna be a while for most people.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

It's interesting you said that in terms of what you thought was your original calling. What was that?

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Because obviously this is a tip from that. I didn't know what my calling was. I just knew, like, I was a what is it called? Jack of all trades. So I was doing all types of different stuff. So I was a manager at a call center, I was doing real estate investment, I had a computer repair company because my degree was in IT. I was just, I was throwing parties, like I was just all over the place. I was all about just making moves and making things happen, but I never had a concise, very specific idea of what my purpose was until this.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

That must have been a major shift to go from doing so many things to now being so focused.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

How was that?

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Rough, it was tough for me. You know, I I wasn't I wasn't used to it, especially since the first four years of doing this, I was dead broke. You know, so it was a struggle. I thought, I almost quit several times. Wow. Um, and every time I would pray about it, God would be like, no, don't go anywhere. Just keep going, keep going. And thankfully I didn't give up. And, you know, I was able to push through. But yeah, those first four years were rough.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

That's powerful that you're saying that. So outside of obviously your conversations with God, we're pushing through. We're still hearing the tangible.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

What else helped you to actually push through other than that was the only thing that helped me push through because there was a lot of things coming against me. Um, people saying, just get go back to getting a real job and all this stuff. Again, the financial issues. Like I pretty much sacrificed those whole four years. I wasn't going out anywhere, I wasn't buying myself anything. I had friends taking trips. I wasn't going on those trips. I was just going in, I lived in this house that had a basement. That's where my office was. I was just in the basement working all the time, all the time. So yeah, I mean, if not for the God part, I wouldn't have made it through. There's no way.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

So you've fully done the grinds then. Yeah. You officially deserve everything that's happening for you now. That's amazing. Yeah. I love that for you. So, because you're now in this relationship space, how was that when you first stepped into that and it was obviously on familiar ground? What did that feel like? What did that look like? And what did that feel like?

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Again, I you know, back then it was a lot simpler because this was kind of the start of social media really taking off. Um, so back then, you know, there was Facebook, Twitter, Instagram wasn't here yet, uh, TikTok wasn't here yet. So, you know, for me, it was just really learning how to operate on social media. I think the hardest part, well, it wasn't hard initially because I'm not I'm a very introverted person. So, me having to put myself out there, that's not easy. So, in the beginning, I kind of ran away from doing video and YouTube. Okay. I had uh a company I was working with, a management company, they was like media training me and trying to get me to do the YouTube videos, and I was not sticking to the plan with the YouTube videos. Uh anything that put me out there, I was just like, I just kind of like posting the quotes, writing articles. You know, I don't have to put my face out there like that. I don't like, I'm a very private person. Um, as social media has evolved, it's actually become more difficult for someone like me. I don't vibe with the way social media works now, and it's very based on being sensational and saying polarizing things. And I'm not, I'm not someone who's searching for a viral clip. You know, I just want to do what I do. That's it. And let the rest take care of itself. But yeah, but first getting into it, it was just really learning how to operate on the internet, to be honest with you, uh, in order to grow and to put myself out there. And then eventually it did become I had to do YouTube speaking in front of audiences. And honestly, it was just again, it was really just, I'll put it to you like this. When I would go on stage, I could literally be having the worst day. My energy is horrible, I don't want to be here. I go on stage, it's almost like a switch flips and I'm in a zone and I'm just letting the spirit flow. Yeah. Then once I come off stage, I'm back to feeling depressed and tired and don't want to be there. And so I almost feel like I've just zone, I've just zoned out throughout the process to just do what I'm supposed to do. Um, so I don't even like I when I think about the question, I almost feel like I'm not fully aware of how everything was because I was just zoned out to doing what I had to do.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

And I and I I think I'm I semi-started to um experience that definitely over the past few days. Because like yourself, I have uh a level of being introvert. I'm no, I won't say introvert, I said I'm very much a private person, I'm painfully private person. Um and the same thing that kind of delayed me in doing everything I'm doing now was literally not wanting to just put myself out in the world and have people all up in my business and all up in my face. However, like yourself, stepping into what work you know you need to do, you obviously have to be in a space where you get out of your own way, but I can definitely say, in terms of encouraging people who have a message or have a have work to do who are stopping themselves for these reasons, I can definitely say on the other side of actually just stepping out your faith, as we could say, it's totally worth it.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Because I'm like the way that I can speak for myself in a space of flow right now, the it feels like all the doors have just opened and I'm just and got and got the most high is carrying me through. I don't the blessings that are happening right this conversation is happening right now. I got off the plane on Saturday and I'm here talking to you. You know, I I would never have known. Well, this is only happening because I've got out of my own way, so I'd use this as encouragement for those to just do it. Yeah, absolutely. Just as a side note. So, in terms of what would you say is your your main message that you're putting out into the world right now?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

I think the need to heal is the main message. Healing and connecting with your spirit to me is the two big ones. Um, I think people really overlook how impactful a lack of healing is in their life, not just romantically, but in all aspects of their life, their health, their career, their family relationships, friendships, you name it. All of those things are affected by lack of healing. So, and I I know when I first got into this, healing wasn't a part of the message. When I it was always a part of my message, it wasn't a big part of the dating uh landscape message. Like other people weren't really talking about it. It is good to see that now it's a lot more prominent. Mental health issues have become a much more discussed issue. Um, so it's definitely good to see the shift that has occurred, but there's still a lot of work that needs to be done when it comes to people healing, and like I said, connecting with your spirit because I feel that people are trying to navigate this world too much leaning on their eyes, their ears, their logic rather than what their spirit is telling them, what their spirit knows, what God knows. And a lot of mistakes are made because of that. And it's like if they would just and and I do honestly believe the world has been set up in a way to detach us from our spirit. So if you can conquer that and get back in tune, things get a lot better for you.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

I love that. So, in terms of the healing, what would you say you do specifically to obviously I know, but for you to tell the people what you specifically do to actually facilitate and help people with their healing? What's your framework?

SPEAKER_00 13:24

I mean, so it's it's a lot to discuss. Um, so the the overview of it essentially is that the pillars is acknowledging or recognizing the hurt, releasing the hurt, or what I call the emotional detox, forgiveness, not just of what they did, but forgiveness of self, because a lot of people struggle with forgiving themselves, and then a shifting of your mindset because there's a lot of negative thoughts and perceptions that we hold on to because of what we went through. And if we don't conquer that, we're gonna just create self-fulfilling prophecies and you know keep ourselves in these negative cycles. So it's walking people through those processes to get them to a place where they can truly be healed. And, you know, I want people to understand, because some people will say, Oh, well, you're never fully healed, healing is a never-ending journey. I don't agree with that. Okay. I believe you can fully heal from things. There will always be things that can hurt you. There will always be new things that maybe you have to heal from, but you can heal from specific things, experiences, issues if you're willing to put in the work.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

And I guess it's also um a mindset as well, because it's them actually accepting that, like what am I trying to say? Mindset shift. Um also there needs to be a belief that the yeah that that is possible.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

I'll definitely say otherwise you're just fighting with yourself.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

In terms of being in this space, um, and as you say, for a very long time, did you have some original views that I guess over time have now adapted or changed?

SPEAKER_00 15:01

There's one view that comes to mind that has kind of changed. So when I came into this, for example, we talk about emotional awareness and emotional maturity and talking to men, because I have channels, a channel for men and a channel for women. So when I talk to the men, you know, and even when I speak to the women, holding the men to a standard of how they need to point to women emotionally and things of that nature, which I still stand by. However, as time has gone on, what I realize, and I and I don't want people to take this the wrong way, I had to come to the realization that the average man is wired with a handicap emotionally. Okay? They're not the average man is not going to be as naturally in tune or aware as the average woman is, so to speak. All right? That's just not the strength of most men. Now, can he improve? Yes, but he may have a limit to how much he he can thrive in that area. I didn't realize it at first because that's not a problem for me. But I'm wired differently. So, for example, I look into like the personality types. There's the Myers-Briggs personality types, and so I'm an INFJ. INFJ is the rarest personality type in the world. Okay. And one of the reasons, it's the rarest in general, because only 2% of people are INFJ. And then it's the rarest for men, only 1% of men are INFJ. And a big reason why it's so rare amongst men is because INFJs are highly intuitive. The average man is not highly intuitive. Does he have intuition? Yes, same way a woman has intuition. But women's intuition is naturally stronger than the man's is. And I has somehow was wired with this higher intuition that it took me a while to understand. I'm expecting, like, I'll put it to you like this. I would have friends before I was even into this whole relationship space. I would have friends and they would be in these relationships or situations for like years. And I'm like, why are y'all dragging this on? Like, I know you're not gonna marry this woman, you're not serious about this woman. And and I always hear this argument, oh, well, you need time, you need, you gotta figure it out. I'm like, what do you mean you got to figure it out? Like, I know like this, right? So I always thought they were just full of it.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Right. But then I came to realize, no, they actually need more time to figure this out because they're just wired differently than I am. What I see, they don't see. So it got me realizing, you know, back in the days, so much of men were not required so much to be as emotionally in tune. Right. Back in the days, as long as he was providing for the house, protecting, providing, all those things, that was his role, right? It's kind of more of a recent thing that now a woman requires more from that man emotionally. And I'm like, you know what? Maybe we're asking a little too much from them. Now, on the flip side, it's the same way where I think, and again, there will be people who disagree with this or don't like me saying this, but I'm just gonna be honest.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

CQ tree.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

So the same way we're requiring too much of men emotionally to a certain degree. I think we're requiring too much of women financially, okay? Speak on it. So again, there's a difference between capable and what is best or where you thrive most, okay? So is the woman capable of working? Absolutely, of course she is, right? But there's a study that shows as more women have entered the workspace, mental health issues have skyrocketed amongst women.

SPEAKER_02 18:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Okay? They're having way more health issues. Because my belief, based off my research and the studying that I've done, is that this is additional stress that once upon a time the woman did not have to deal with. Right. And that stress, her body is, you know, it's one thing to handle the stress of a moment, but when it's a constant thing that you have to deal with, it starts to wear you down, starts to break your body down. And so I believe a lot of these health issues we're seeing amongst women is because we're putting too much on their plate. Okay? Now, there are women who are wired to work, right? They love it. They they they thrive in those environments, they want to achieve, they want to do things. So I always say, if you're that woman, do it, right? But then there's women who that's not their thing. But society has pushed them to it, and they're not happy, they're not thriving, and they're more wired for the home, for nurturing, for family, for all these other things. Yeah, they can have a side job, but again, putting too much um financial expectation or requirement on them, I believe in the long run can cause a lot of problems. And there's a huge difference between someone having to work and someone choosing to work.

SPEAKER_03 20:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

Okay. Like I always say, listen, I believe in paying for everything. But I tell her, if I'm with a woman, I'm gonna tell her, like, okay, if you want to work, cool. But the day that place stresses you out, do not be afraid to quit. Okay, like you don't have to stay there. That's the key. Like, because once you feel like you you're stuck, yeah, that brings on a whole different type of stress and issues. And we don't want that. I'm trying to keep you away from stress as much as possible. But yeah, all that to say, I just think that we were blurring the lines too much. And you know, over time, I feel like that what one of the problems that we have in the world is we are in denial of how we are wired, right? How we are set up biologically, spiritually, everything. And if we would get back to that, yeah, we would see a lot more success.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

I 100% agree. So thank you for that. So, that being said, because there's a lot of people who unfortunately did not get that memo, they didn't get that message. What do you feel like it would take to help everybody get back on that track? Do you do you think it's possible? And if so, what would it take to do that?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

So I'm not gonna lie, we're really far gone. I'm I'm just I'm gonna be honest. Um, I think there are people who can who can transition back to that. I think it starts with making a lot of sacrifices. Um, one of those sacrifices that comes to mind automatically is, you know, again, I'm a big believer in a man being a provider. And I always get people arguing, oh, well, in today's society, you need two incomes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm not saying that's not true at times. However, if you really look at it, the bigger issue is not the need for two incomes, it's the need to change our lifestyle habits. Okay. Yeah. The way that we want to live is what requires such higher incomes. Um, you know, one Once upon a time, going on a vacation was a luxury, right? And if you went on one time a year, you were good. You had your one vacation, you were cool. Now it's like if you can't go on two, three vacations, people aren't with it anymore. They don't like that. And it's not a it's no longer a luxury, it's like a necessity now. Okay? And mind you, vacation, not in the sense of time off from work. I think everybody needs time off from work.

SPEAKER_03 22:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

But if people want to travel, they want to go places, they want to spend money, um, the houses they want to live in, the cars they want to drive. Now, again, there's nothing wrong with one of these, wanting these things, but I believe that those desires is what has contributed more to the need for this two-income household, so to speak. Like, if for example, and and I'll go to a different angle for a second, like with men, I always say, okay, if you're a guy and you decide early in your life as a child, as maybe 18, 19, whatever, that you are, you want to be a provider, you accept that role, right? Right. If from the age of, let's say, 18 to 21, you stayed living at your parents' house, but you worked and you saved up and you got yourself in order financially, yeah, by 21, you could at least have your own place and own car, right? Now, if you have your own place and own car, let's even stretch it out. We'll give you to 24, all right? So that's six years. Right. Okay. If a woman moves in with you, the mortgage and rent doesn't go up. True. It's the same. Yeah. So if you have your own, you're not having to sacrifice so much more for her coming in. Granted, food will go up. Electricity doesn't go like crazy up. Okay, let's say it's an extra hundred dollars. Yeah. Right. So what I'm trying to say is it is possible to achieve these one-income households. And even if you want her to work, I think the better, the better approach, in my opinion, is all right, if the man establishes his own first, which I believe in men should live by themselves at least for a year.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

That I think that's the best thing to do. Yes. She moves in or whatever, even if she works for the first three years or whatever, focus on not having any kids, using that second income as investment, savings, all of that stuff. Yeah. So now, by the time you guys are ready to have kids, you have the flexibility of her staying home. She doesn't have to rush back out to work, right? Again, there's so many ways we can attack this if we're willing to make sacrifices, have a plan, stick to the structure. Okay? Now, it's not everyone's cup of tea. Right. Some people are gonna still do what they want to do, right? And for some women, if you've already been working and you've established a certain lifestyle, because I always say women have a hard time going backwards, okay? Once they've established a certain lifestyle, even experience a certain type of man, to have to go back a step lower is like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Unless they are forced to, most are not feeling that whatsoever. So that's why it can be very difficult for some to make the transition at this point in their life. That's why I think it's one of those things where you want to figure out as early as possible and then set things up for that trajectory. Um but yeah, but it can be done. It can be done. But let's say you are that woman who you've been working, you have a certain lifestyle, but you do want to go to, you want to transition to being more home, nurturing, find a relationship where you can raise a family, that's an example of making a sacrifice and having to take a step back if you're willing to do that, you know. Um, downsizing. I think a lot of people, one thing I've learned being successful is that, you know, and you hear it all the time. Once you've driven certain cars, live in certain houses, it's like you realize it doesn't have the value you think it does. Yeah. You know, you can simplify your life and be a lot happier. You know, I used to want a big old house. Now, and I lived in the big old house, and now I'm like, man, put me in a condo, something real easy and simple. Yeah. I'm not gonna worry about this maintenance and extra stuff. Free up that extra money for other things I want to do. Yeah. It's so much easier. But it's hard to embrace that when you haven't lived it yet.

SPEAKER_03 26:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

You know, but either way, all that to say, I do think it can happen for people, but it you gotta start early and you gotta be willing to make certain sacrifices. And and again, also an example is where you live. Once upon a time, people move to where they could start a life.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Okay, where they can find work. Now, people move to where they want to be and try to figure out how to do life there.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

That's a problem. All right, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

And and and naturally, most people, a lot of people love living near the big cities and things like that. So it's more expensive. But there's so many outskirt areas that the housing is not expensive. But again, once upon a time, if someone had to drive an hour 45 minutes, an hour to work, that it is what it was. Yeah. Now, people, I'm not doing all that. Right? So again, we're we're just the lifestyles have changed and it makes it harder to achieve these things in the long run.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

It's right that you said that because environment is definitely everything, and I say that all the time on this this here podcast. I think that, and and I I appreciate the point that you said it needs to start younger as well. So, would it be worth certain workshops and things being set up for, as you say, for the younger people to actually really program this type of lifestyle into their brain? Because obviously, we see what's going on with social media. Social media is crazy in half of the messages that are put out, and I think that's that's played a massive part in this focus on materialism and you know superficiality. I'm like, clearly, I think we all can identify now that something needs to be put in place to reverse that or at least counter that message. But I like the point that you said in terms of, as you say, you when you use the example of somebody in their late teens, early twenties taking that action. But I guess once again, we always say it's at the same time, education starts at home. So I guess that's more so of course pushing that message out to more parents to then.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Well, so I'll be honest with you. A few things I want to say. One with the, you know, it all starts at home. I've always been frustrated with that. Really? Yeah. Talk to me. Because I feel like if we're being how many people have we seen grow up in good households and still go left, still end up in the wrong place, okay? Parents can only do so much. Now, that's not to excuse bad parenting or neglectful parenting, but it is to say that we live in a in today's world, people and children are overexposed. Yes. All right? And no matter how much you teach them at home, they're gonna jump on that internet and see some stuff, they're gonna go to school and hear some stuff. Like, there's so much they have to deal with. Unless a person is being homeschooled, it's tough. And even then, again, because you can't stop the internet. So unless you live it like the Amish, all right, like we're just we're up against so much. To me, I think because that whole it starts at home. One of the areas that it always pissed me off was whenever people made an argument against the music that we have put out there. And so the artist would give that excuse. Well, it's up to the parents. And it's to me, it's like, no, we're supposed to be a community. And we're supposed to help each other.

SPEAKER_02 29:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:51

If we all took responsibility of what we're putting out into the world, then we could actually change some stuff, right? But the problem is those people want to make, and I'm not just music artists, people in general just want to make money or they want to get clicks and views or whatever. They don't care. They don't care. So when we talk about like workshops and things like that, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't want to be pessimistic. So I'm not gonna say it shouldn't be done, right? Anything can help, right? Okay. I just I'm just very uh I'm very pessimistic of how much it'll make a difference because so again, using the example of the men um providing and you know, setting up their house, you know, living those first three, six years, whatever, grinding, getting themselves together. Unfortunately, like a lot of these young dudes are gonna jump online, whether it be Instagram or whatever, see women they want to go after, and today, now more than ever, men are required to step up with money.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

Right.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

And if you want a certain type of woman, you're gonna have to come out the pocket. At least that's the message they're receiving, right? So they're willing, so the willingness to grind in the meantime, to sacrifice, I think has gotten even harder, right? Um, then then you throw in there the porn issues that that are existing right now. You got kids 13, 14 years old growing up watching porn. And so by the time they're teenagers, it has a very negative effect on them in various different ways. So we're up against so much. So again, I'm I'm never gonna be against anything that can help. I just don't know how much of a difference it will make. But can it make a difference in somebody's life? Yeah, right. But these kids are just so distracted. You know, not even again, everybody's so distracted and pulled in so many different directions. But yeah, I definitely think the earlier we can get through to them, and I also think we have to have a shift in culture. So, one of the things that, especially in the black community, I think um needs to happen more is letting your kids stay at the house until they've gotten themselves together. Now, again, not just staying there freeloading, of course, but staying there with a plan in place of how they're gonna build their life to where now they can leave and have their own home or have their own situation and everything be good. But part of being able to accomplish that, we got to create healthier households. A lot of people don't want to stay a house because it's it's unhealthy and there's a lot going on there. This is where the healing comes in. Because there's a lot of a lack of healing in so many people's lives, that affects their family relationships. A lot of people are tolerating their family, they're not happy to deal with their family. So, again, there's just a lot that has to be addressed and corrected.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

I totally agree. And I and I try my best to stay in a space of hope. I am on the I'm on the optimistic side of life. You've got the pessimism, I'm the optimist. I just I just I just I don't want to give up, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:54

Yeah, and and we shouldn't, we shouldn't, but we do have to understand what we're up against. It's a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

It's a lot, and I'm just as you as you rightly said, in terms of the unity, if we all just get on the same page, or at least enough of us. Enough of us get on the same page, and this this is part of the mission of this podcast. Enough of us to get on the same page and to step up, and we don't want everyone doing the same thing. Everybody could, as you said, there's so much work to do, therefore, there's a there's a space for everybody. But I'm like, I'm like, do we need to find a board, put a board together with elders or something? Like, what do we need to do? I'm like, I need to do that.

SPEAKER_00 33:33

You know, honestly, I I think one thing that would help hugely is I don't want to say no phones to a child of 16, but just going back to the old phones where there's no internet and all that stuff on there. Like, if we could just limit the exposure so that during those developmental years they can get poured into the right way, yeah, I feel like that would help a lot. But again, that's just one of those things where they're not gonna give up their phones and they're not gonna give up their internet. So it's like, unless there becomes a law, like I I think in the UK or somewhere they just banned social media for kids under 16 or 14. I can't remember exactly. Yeah, so unless something like that happens, I don't know if it's gonna, you know, really take place, but I think that would help a lot.

SPEAKER_01 34:29

I totally agree. Um, and in the meantime, the parents can do it.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

No, they're not gonna do it. Because so this is the thing. This go this goes back to why I'm such a huge proponent of one-income households. Yeah. Okay? Because back in the days, you at least had somebody, typically the mother, yeah, who could be home. And that was a great buffer to make sure you're always on top of these kids, what what they're watching, listening to, all these things, right? But now when you take two parents out the household, you remove the safeguards for these children. And so now it's so much easier for them to get hit with all this different nonsense. So that's the thing. We that's that's why I really wish we could have a lot more one-income households. And again, if people want to have the husband home and the wife at work, if that's what works for them, cool. I'd just rather see one person be at the house.

SPEAKER_01 35:27

I totally agree with you, definitely. Um, I agree. But it's just like I think a lot of people have a lot of problems um coexisting. So I guess that's part of your job. This is you getting people right.

SPEAKER_00 35:45

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

We know there's a power in family, and we know as a specific, the black family has been uh attacked, you know, from I guess now over specific well, for a very long time, but we can in in a lifetime that's closer to ours, I've said probably over the past 50 plus years, more so, as a reference for us, and we have seen that outcome and the decline and the chaos that has come from that, and you're playing your part to contribute to fixing that. Where does your hope where does your are you in a space of pessimism or optimism in the families growing? But do you feel that we can get realistically get back to that?

SPEAKER_00 36:29

So, weirdly enough, um, I have this not love, okay. I'm not fond of AI.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

Okay, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:39

But there's an aspect of AI in the future that actually gives me hope when it comes to relationships. Okay. I do feel like if we get to a place where less people are working because AI is doing all these jobs, it may put, it may raise the value of family more. Right? It's gonna take people out of the workplace and put them home. It's gonna, because you know, because one of the things that has contributed to the deterioration of relationships is again, we're overly exposed, overly distracted. So that contributes to unhappiness in our relationships because people are comparing themselves to what they see online and all these different things, um, and they're not spending enough quality time with their partner, all these different things. We can go through a whole list of stuff. So if that AI does take over in that way, which I'm not fond of people being put out of work, but I am looking at, okay, if the bright side is, well, now people will have more time for each other. People will want to be more connecting with individuals in real life rather than the internet. Like there's a couple influencers who believe we're moving into a more analog place where people are gonna be getting out the house more and meeting in person more, and that's a good thing. That I like, right? So I do think there is hope in that sense. Um, but you know, speaking to the black community specifically, I am still pessimistic. I'm trying to be honest. Like, I don't uh uh I don't want to just say I'm hopeful just to be say I'm hopeful. I want to be real, right? So I pray that this is gonna get better. Right. But the problem in one of the problems, in my opinion, in the black community is we are unwilling to have very difficult conversations. And the minute anyone attempts to do so, they are attacked, they are ashamed, they are called all kinds of names, they are canceled, all these things. So a lot of things go unsaid that need to be said. Okay, and there's a lot of correction that we need, and we're we're not, we're just going backwards right now. We're not making any progress with the things that we should be making progress with. And so that's that's my concern. And again, I think healing is the big key to that. If we can get more healing in place, I because I think unfortunately, the mental health movement has been good, but in some ways, it's blinding people from the actual work that needs to be done. So, what I mean by that is there's a lot of people who go to a therapist now. Yes, that's wonderful. Yeah, but those same people will go to a therapist for years and not have healed anything.

SPEAKER_02 39:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Okay?

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

But because they go to a therapist or have gone to a therapist, like, well, I've done the work. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, I I I want to applaud you. I don't want to take it away from you. Like, bravo, you did go, but that's not exactly all of it. That you need more. You need to go deeper, right? And you gotta understand, like, this is not a knock on therapist, because I I again I believe in therapy. But whether it's a therapist, a coach, or whatever, you gotta make sure you're not just going to someone who's trying to feed their business model. I was about to say a lot of people are not with the right therapist. Exactly. You know, the the goal is to keep you coming for as long as possible because that pays the bills. Right. But nothing's been getting solved. Yes. And you got you gotta make sure you're solving the issues. Like to me, my goal is always get you in, get you out. I'm not trying, I'm not trying to see if you're still coming to me after a year, it better be because you just love to like sit down and talk and vent, but we've uh we've accomplished and achieved goals. We've gotten you past certain things, you've healed. Nothing wrong if you want to keep coming. Right. Right? But I don't think my thing is like I'm not pushing you to keep coming to me. I I want you to get to where you need to get to and go about your business, you know. But unfortunately, yeah, a lot of people aren't getting the help that they really, really need. And so, yeah, again, there's just a lot of work that has to be done.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

You mentioned that we're there's a lot of conversations that we're not having, not having. Do you have any examples?

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Oh man, what example do I want to start with and not get canceled or something? Take your time. Um I'm gonna make I'm trying to figure out which one to go that's the safest route. So I'm not gonna lie, I'm I'm just as concerned as the next person about talking about certain things.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

That's fair.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

Um, yeah, I'm not sure if I'm ready to touch on some of these topics, but we'll turn the cameras off and yeah, exactly. We'll do that. Because I I don't know if they're ready. I don't know if they're ready yet. You know, it's just it's tough. It's tough. But you know, again, I definitely think we need to. Man, this is so many, there's so many different things going on in my head right now.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

Find a light one, find a safe one. Take your time.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

None of them are safe. None of them are safe at all. None of them are safe. Everything is controversial, but it proves your point. Yes. That's the thing. And again, it's just like we're not we're not having the real discussions because it's gonna piss some people off.

SPEAKER_01 42:05

Prompt me and I'll say it then. No, I just want to have to say it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Alright, I'm gonna say one, and God forbid they come after me for this. Alright. So, one of the issues, you know, there's this whole gender war, and especially among black men and black women, they're constantly going at it, right? Right. And so one of the things you'll hear black men say about black women is um attitude, difficult, all this stuff. And immediately, you know, black women shoot against that and and things like that. And if they see those men date other women, it's like, oh, they just want to push over, somebody can walk over, things of that nature. But I I would make the argument, and this is not one, we have to understand the at the foundation of it all, black people are holding on to a lot of negative energy. They are okay in general, for various reasons. Okay, it's understandable why, but it exists. The unfortunate reality is that that negative energy doesn't make a black man as less desirable as it will make a black woman.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Okay?

SPEAKER_01 43:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

And the re and this would be true for all races, all types of women, because negative energy pulls the woman away from her feminine much more. Negative energy in a man can actually, in some cases, be masked as some kind of masculinity and be appealing until it really shows itself for what it really is deeper issues, insecurities, all these different stuff. But in the meantime, he can get by a lot longer. It doesn't necessarily pull him away from his masculine in the moment. Now, for people, people will wanna argue like, oh, that's just not true. That's not true for black women. It's like, okay, I want y'all to think about this for a second. I can't remember all the stats, I didn't come prepared with these stats. But black women are raised in one of the highest uh percentages of single parent households, right? I forgot that there was basically what I'm getting at is there's a list of statistics that I argue if you put any race of woman in those statistics, you would have the same outcome. Right. All right? The difference is so it's not that the black woman is inherently negative attitude, whatever. No, if she has had to deal with all this stuff, right? And yes, it's coming out. The problem is if we can't have that discussion because people say, oh, that's just not true, we can't get to the root of why it exists. So now we can get to yes, fathers abandoning their household. We can get to the music and how they speak about the women. We can get to all this other stuff, but we can also acknowledge healing has to happen. Yes. Right? But it's like we're not allowing ourselves to go there because it's like, how dare you say that? And again, it doesn't mean every black woman? Of course not, right? But is it more prevalent? You could argue yes. And for those who take issue with it, here's what I find fascinating. It only becomes really an argument when it's when it's within the context of what men are saying about women and their romantic preferences and things of that nature. However, if you talk to a woman about what she deals with with other women, a lot of women will tell you yes. Like, they deal with a lot of this negative energy in our community. So it's like, okay, so we know it's there. But but pride kicks in once it becomes, it's a man saying it or pointing it out. And it's like, no, we we we can't do that, right? But then again, it's not to just point out women. Yes, there are issues on the man's side that needs to be resolved and needs to be checked. So like I'm kind of going in a different direction, but it's still within this frame of thought. So recently I saw a TikTok about um women saying men in church are not masculine, okay?

SPEAKER_01 46:04

Wow, that's a statement.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

And um there's a lack of masculinity in the church and how these men don't approach women and all these different things. And of course, people are getting mad, upset, offended, whatever. Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, I agree 100%. I've been saying this for the longest, okay? We have both a masculinity and femininity issue in the church, all right? My only pushback against those TikTokers or those people saying it is that when you talk about the issue of men approaching you, what are you doing to make yourself approachable? And the problem with the world is we don't discuss things with proper context. All right. So you have to understand if you're talking about a Christian man or a spiritual man, a man of God, he's gonna be more cautious about approaching you if you don't give him a signal to approach. Right. He doesn't want to invade your space, he doesn't want to be disrespectful, he doesn't want to seem like he's at church hunting for women when he's supposed to be listening to the word. Like for him to be hesitant about. Yeah. Okay? So if you don't give him a green light, you cannot expect that to happen.

SPEAKER_02 47:07

Right.

SPEAKER_00 47:08

Right? Let's also go deeper. The way church is set up, it has become more feminine. The services are more about pouring into the women, and people there's a book called uh Why Men Hate Going to Church. Ooh. And one, I remember it pointed out how, for example, uh men aren't big fans of praise and worship. Right? Want to have a good sing song. Men typically want to go hear the word, that's it. Yeah, and if they don't get a good word, it's like, why was I even here? All right, yeah. Women could just, it can be praise and worship the whole sermon. And women like, oh my gosh, that was amazing. I this is what I needed, right? We're wired very differently. Yeah. So understand that a lot, and and I, and I admit it, like I remember when I was when I was going to church, I haven't been in a while, I'm not gonna lie. When I was going, I would literally wait outside until praise and worship was done. Really? Yeah, because I'm not so I'm not someone who likes going to concerts. I'm not like someone who I'm not into any of that. I'm very reserved. Again, I'm introverted. Your insights? Yes. Very much so. Okay? And even in my house, for me to put my hands up and all that, it's not the most natural thing, right? Okay. So I'm I'm always like, no, no, no. I just want to get the word to the point where I've stopped going to certain churches because I don't like performative stuff. Okay. So I like pastors who just they just speak. They just speak in normal. They may have a moment where they get passionate or whatever, but they're just speaking. When I see theatrics, I'm that's I'm out.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

So you're not really into black church. Yeah, a lot of them.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

Because that's the separation. A lot of them. Yeah, I hate to say it, but yeah. Now, that isn't to say I'm saying there's anything wrong with that, right? Yeah. I'm saying that's not my flavor, my taste. Yeah. But it works for other people, so go ahead and do that. But me, I like it just very straightforward. Boom, I need a good man. Like one, I love Miles Monroe. Yeah, right? I watch his sermons all the time. I think he's awesome. But yeah, so going back to the original point of the lack of masculinity, so yeah, there is a lack of masculinity for various reasons. Then if we go deeper, and again, people get offended, right? So because they get offended, we can't dive deeper into well, what may be really going on. I would argue that of course there's a lack of masculinity when you consider, again, how church service has become more feminine. When we consider that in in the general world population, male testosterone is at supreme lows, lower than they've ever been. Yeah, right? Porn, again, you may say, well, they're not supposed to be watching porn if they're in church. Let's be real for a second. Yes, many of them are still gonna watch sometimes, right? And that's still having an effect. That's not to make an excuse, that's just the reality of it. Um, but also I think people don't consider that giving yourself to God. Okay, I'm trying to find the right way to say this. I'm just gonna use myself to help phrase this. I remember when I went through my journey. Before I really came to God, I was a very F what the world thinks, F what you think. I'm gonna do what I want. I did not care, okay? I was bold, I did what I wanted, end of story. Got to God, and it felt like it completely broke me down, right? And I went through this transitional period of not knowing how to be me or what I thought who I thought I was, but still honor God. I used to think when when they said the meek would inherit the earth, that meek meant passive and quiet and docile and all these different things. So I'm like, well, I don't get it, right? And it put me in this completely conflicted place. It wasn't till someone came and saw me, an old friend of mine, he was like, What's wrong with you? What happened to you? You know, you because it wasn't just it was contributing to me not being ambitious, you know, applying myself, all these different things. And he used some choice words, but there were some words I needed to hear, right?

SPEAKER_02 51:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:20

And it finally hit me like, okay, no, no, no. I can still be bold and honest and adventurous and all these different things, but I do it with God guiding me now. There's a difference, you know what I'm saying? But I still have that same energy, so to speak, in a different way. And so I think there was a time, again, excuse my language, but I have to say the way I felt at that time. I went through a process where I felt like I was God's bitch. Oh. Okay. Like I felt so weak, right? And yes, I am a servant to God and I am humbled by God, but it was it was different, that energy, right? So I say all that to say I don't think a lot of women or people recognize that the process of going to God, again, there's a lot to reconcile in being masculine and still being godly and walking a certain path. It's the same way, this is actually the perfect way to phrase it. So I talk about how men have to learn how to love within their masculine. Because love itself is more of the feminine energy.

SPEAKER_02 52:31

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:31

Okay? Which is why, how many women have seen where you can meet a guy, he seems so tough, so strong, so masculine, then behind closed doors, he's this emotional big baby, all this stuff. And if it and if he's all supposed to be in love with you or infatuated, and let's say you want to leave him, he's crying, he's all this stuff, right? Yeah, he completely loses himself in that. Because a lot of men don't learn how to navigate that while being in their masculine. Right. And so if God is love, you can see there's a correlation there. It's hard to learn how to walk with God while in your masculine, and it's not something that's being taught.

SPEAKER_02 53:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 53:19

And so again, the the church doesn't raise up masculine men. Another example, and I'm and again, to be fair, this is my perception, my opinion, this is what I see. But I remember one time I was speaking at this event, I was on this panel, and some people might know what I'm talking about, but anyways, this young man comes up and he's been absent his whole life. So he's a virgin. Let's say he's in his mid-20s or whatever, and he's like, Well, what's he gonna do, you know, with these women? He has he's having a hard time. So, of course, the the panel breaks out and encouraging him and praying, everybody's shouting and boy, you're going crazy. And I'm just sitting there like, y'all just set him up for failure. Because none of y'all are telling him the fact that one, his energy is not masculine at all. That's not me saying you're supposed to go have sex, but as someone who has been on both sides of the equation, um, someone who's been active and someone who went absent for at least five years. I know the shift in energy that occurs. Like there's a lot of women, a lot of women have no clue how much men are. There's several men I know who are absent, who are having the hardest time dating. We're talking about good-looking guys, jobs, everything. Okay? And they are struggling, right? Because it sounds good on paper, but how it actually works out in real life, yeah, it's a lot different because I'll give one example. When a man's not trying to have sex with you, he's gonna, again, unless he learns how to navigate that, right? He's probably gonna have to be more passive. Whether you realize or not, he has to restrict himself in a lot of ways. Yeah, he has to be more cautious. So that may come across as a man showing a little less desire. So you may become frustrated because, like, I remember one girl who got mad at a guy, because she's like, Well, okay, cool, you're absent, but why can't we hug, kiss, or whatever? And he's like, yo, if I'm gonna survive this, I can't do none of that. Okay. Too much of a tease for him. Exactly. But stress him out. But with but if you're a woman who's already experienced men coming on to you that way, it it may feel difficult to deal with this guy who's not giving you that energy while still feeling desired by him. All right. So there is a, he can't be at, like I remember when I was absent, I literally, because again, when I was younger before I got to God, I could go out and just stuff could happen, okay? So I called it, I had to turn my swag off. I had to just shut it down. Like, there's no only way I'm gonna get through this. And I remember like realizing how people were looking at me or women were looking at me in a way that it wasn't actually who I am, but it's who I had to be during that time to get through this, right? And it made me less desirable. Plain and simple. All right. Again, it sounds good on paper, but it doesn't work out as simply all the time in real life. So, all that to say, to go back to the guy who was uh a virgin, it's like, yo, they're not, they're not helping him understand that, okay, yes, be a virgin, great. But the reason why you're struggling with women is not your virginity, right? And it's not simply, oh, just stay a virgin and God's gonna bless you with a woman. That's not how this works. You have other aspects of you and your energy that needs to be developed. And that masculine energy needs to come out, and it's not there right now at all. But again, the church doesn't teach that, doesn't do that. If I had to start my own church, I'd have a gym attached to the church. I'd have financial programs, I might even have a gun range, okay? Like, I or not maybe a gun range, but at least self-defense courses. Okay. Yeah. I don't even have a gun. Probably shouldn't say that on the internet, but I don't even have one. But anyways, um, but just things that can really help instill or help instill that masculine energy in a lot of men. But there's not most places, if I mean there might be some that exist out there, but it's not happening.

SPEAKER_01 57:16

Just to chime in on that, because uh I like the way that you um you're so specific in terms of when you were saying the church, um, and one of the things that I also want to encourage on this um on this podcast is that we I I get I guess that um our dominant um religion is Christianity. However, we we're into all the things so you know we have we have we have Islam, we have Hindu, we have Nation of Islam, etc. etc. So I see what you just said specifically, but I can definitely say as somebody who I love all my people, I talk to all my people, I can sit down and reason with all my people, and all my people come on this podcast, and so many more to come because it's a I'm black first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I've gotta say. And we've got so much things to sort out and fix, we cannot be fiddling with all these other nuances that are less important. Anyone who wants to come for me, come in the comments. So um I said that to say, in terms of what I know, and I'm not immersed in anything. I just as I say, I just reason with everyone. People who I definitely see who do step up as men, as our men, as black men, and I salute them is Nation of Islam.

SPEAKER_00 58:28

You see, I was just while you were talking, I wanted to make the point that you know there was a time where so many men were shifting to being Muslim, and a huge reason is because they teach more masculinity. The men are there plain and simple. Yeah, and that makes such a huge difference. And in the Christian church, it's lacking big time, and then we wonder why the men lack masculinity and all these things. Of course, that's why.

SPEAKER_01 58:57

I can do that they step up because I even said I just um the episode that would be two before this one, I interviewed um brother Andrew Mohammed. Um, shout out to him, and I literally said on that episode that um other people on this podcast would know in terms of my story, you don't know, and I'm just sharing it with you now. And the nicest way I can put it is I'm a parent who's outlived their child. So when my I said, if my son hadn't had passed away, I literally said to Brother Andrew, I said, I would have been sending him to you guys. And I know some people are gonna be, what that's power, but I'm like, in terms of him being he would be a little black boy growing up in this world, and as we said, we we're not sure what's going on with men in different spaces. So the men that I can see who are stellar in what they're doing and standing up and representing, and in a deep space of discipline, etc. I says, you guys are doing what I would need for my boy right now. So I said, I would have sent him to because he has academies and things going on. I said, I would have sent him. So um I said that to say there are people doing stuff. I wish it was more publicised, hence why I'm here on my camera. Saying it because we we need we need a lot more, as you've just said. But I'm like, if people feel like there's a mist within uh a Christian realm, unfortunately, I wish I wish we had things happening there, but you've just beautifully shared. There isn't um we do have people have to just start opening up their minds and see that we have things going on, and as I say, we've got deep problems and issues going on that I think more of us need to talk actually, because as I said, we're black first, you know, and I can definitely in little pockets on the internet, seeing that we are coming together, you know. Um, I'm not gonna ramble for you. That was the point I was gonna make. So I hear what you're saying in terms of the church. Now, this this this is gonna be me, gonna be controversial now. And once again, I'm happy for people to come from me in my comments. I don't care, make my day. So I feel like traditionally the barbershops would have stepped into barbershops, were very important back in the day because, as you said, in terms of if men are not doing what they need to do in terms of congregating in a space of masculinity in the church, when they're going to get their hair done, that was traditionally the place where men do their chest out. Yeah. Now, me, I because I said I speak to all the people, I go in all sorts of places, and that the fact that I have luxe, I'm not going to that my luck is a man and he has his chair in a barbershop, a very fancy barbershop, let me know. All the footballers in the UK go to my barbershop. But I go to a barbershop nonetheless, so when I get my luxe done, I'm sitting with all the men and having a good old chit-chat. But I say that to say I'm not in a space of theory, and and that's not just one barbershop. I've been to I frequent many barbershops around London specifically. Um, and um, I guess I'm as a as a woman, I'm an up in the space, but I'm not because everyone enjoys conversations with me. But I thought to say, conversations that used to happen are not happening in the barbershop anymore. And me, because I'm just a fly on the wall, I guess, I find it really sad and disappointing because I think when I talk to certain men, a lot of men have learned certain elements and behaviors and attitudes that would, I guess, contribute to their masculinity in the barbershop. So I'm like, what's going on? The barbershop's letting us down.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:35

Well, I I think I think one uh well, the thing that came to mind, and I could be wrong, but I I feel like the the barbers have gotten younger. That part. So once upon a time, they were almost the elders. Yes. All right, or at least old enough to where there was a level of wisdom and understanding. Whereas now it's a it's a more younger man sport, I guess you could say. And so therefore there's no, you know, there's not much they're gonna pass down as far as wisdom is concerned. Yeah. Um, I also think that, you know, back in the days, you know, you had your father or somebody taking you to the barbershop. Whereas now, again, there's less fathers involved. Um, so I think that plays a role. And then I just think that unfortunately, again, we're in the Instagram world. I just feel like everything is more superficial and on the surface, right? So when I'm even when I've been in the barbershops, everyone just seems to be doing their own thing. Yeah. It's not really a community anymore. Yeah. And that's reflective of how it is outside the barbershop. We're less of a community now, you know, and more individualized. And I think that is what's also hurting the passing down of that knowledge. But then also, again, unfortunately, so here's the thing, and some women may not like me saying this, but because we are more overexposed, she so there'll there'll be women who come to me and say, Oh, you need to be telling the men such and such, right? And I'm like, Well, number one, I do, because I have, like I said, channel for men, got books for men. But what what a lot of women who make that argument don't understand is I can tell a man all the good things he should do until my face turns blue. If he turns around and constantly sees bad men being rewarded for their bad behavior, he's not gonna listen to me. And once upon a time, because we did not have the internet, even in those situations happening, they weren't as exposed or they weren't as seen as often. That's what that's one of the big shifts that occurred. I used to make the argument that once upon a time, tons of men had no problem waiting to sleep with the woman. They would court her, take her on dates, all this stuff, right? But what was happening that women don't discuss or don't want to consider is that there's millions of stories of men courting a woman only to find out she wanted to go sleep with the next guy who did one-tenth of what he did for her, okay? Who may have just showed up and she slept with him. So when men start keeping hearing those stories, they're like, well, why am I doing all this and getting destroyed and of the stick? Then you throw in the internet where everyone can share their stories and show this and videotape that, and it's created this more of the disgust or this feeling of it's a waste of our time to do these things. So why are we doing them anymore? Because again, they're constantly seeing men who don't do it get rewarded.

unknown 1:05:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:34

And so that that's a big part of the problem now, is like if if we want men to step up in certain ways, we have to show them that the good behavior is welcomed, appreciated. And I'm not saying rewarded as in go have sex with them to make them feel better. And the stop having sex with the bad ones who don't do right. That's all. Like, if you just do that, right? Like I used to, even when I was a kid, before I ever became Stefan speaks. I used to always make the argument that women do not understand the power they possess collectively. And that if women would all band together and say, we will not date or sleep with a drug dealer, you would see that profession drop, plummet, okay? Yeah. All right. Or at the very least, men would be trying to hide it. Right. Right. If they were still doing it. Right. And that's the thing. Men respond to what the women are going towards, which is why now, like, you know, a big thing now is um streamers. Right. And a lot of young kids want to become streamers. Why? Because they've seen all the women flock to there.

unknown 1:06:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:39

That's it. Yeah. If the streamers weren't getting no girls, it would have a very different impact on the youth and their willingness to be a streamer. Okay. But they're seeing that, so that's where they want to go, and that's what happens. Yeah. And in fairness, again, because it's always two ways to this. It's the same way that more and more women are gravitating towards, we'll call it city girl culture, right? In the sense of, all right, they're seeing girls who do their thing, use men, getting stuff paid for them, whatever, whereas they try to be good and be with this man, get and use themselves. And so there's there's a lot of women who just like, well, F it. I'm just gonna switch to the other side. Because this side, this way isn't working. If you keep showing them that bad behavior is rewarded, or what we claim is bad behavior being rewarded, you're gonna have a harder time keeping people from shifting to that.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:40

So basically, the all the people with the bad behavior, we need to just send them to an island to go and entertain themselves.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:47

We have to stop rewarding it. But the problem is it's again, not to not to be pessimistic. I'm not usually this pessimistic, but I'm just That's fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:58

Express yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:59

The the problem is it's in today's world where people have so much access. If a woman knows, for example, so this this is a different, this kind of goes into a different uh ideology that I have that I think is unpopular with people, but I never I don't talk about it much. Um I'm but I'm a big believer that discipline is circumstantial.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:20

Okay. And that people give themselves way too much credit for achieving things when not realizing, no, you were set up a certain kind of way. Okay. Right? And your circumstances have a lot to do with how you were able to achieve or what certain people struggle with, right? So an example is alright, if you have two women growing up and one woman wears a tight dress and goes out, and that day she gets compliments, she gets free dinner, free drinks, she gets let into a club for free or whatever, she's gonna, you're gonna have a hard time convincing that woman to not wear tight dresses more often. All right, okay. You can have another woman wear that same tight dress, but she got negatively harassed, alright? She had some unwanted attention, right? She had some other women call her Jezebel or something, right? Well, it's probably gonna be pretty easy for her not to put that dress back on. Okay?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:19

In the world that we live in, when people people are gonna experiment sometimes with different behaviors. And depending on the the response they get from it, is gonna play a huge role in if they continue in that way. And so if you again, if you have women who feel like, man, I I can just protect my feelings, because that's what a lot of them are trying to do, not be vulnerable emotionally, but still benefit financially, many are gonna do that. You know? Um, if you have a lot of men who figure, you know what, rather than putting myself out there, I'm just gonna indulge in porn or this or whatever, rather than having to deal with a woman that I don't even know if she's gonna really like me and and and be serious about me, she's gonna do that. You know, so again, it just goes back to there's a lot of external factors that we're battling against now that we didn't have to deal with before. And if we want to fix this, so I'm gonna say this it's where there's hope, but it's gonna start with us addressing these deeper things, but also understanding that, again, it goes back to how individuals are wired, what people go through. You know, that plays a huge role. I'm gonna throw one out because it's kind of hitting my spirit. So, because my thing is this, I'm someone who just views it as everybody falls short. Everybody has something they struggle with. So don't look down on other individuals, okay? Because you don't know what they've been through. You know, I'm a firm believer that, okay, I'm about to go in a different direction that I wasn't planning to, but you know, one of the things that irked my nerves is believers, we'll just say believers, insistence on judging people, right? And they'll say, Well, the Bible tells us to judge, judge righteously. Now, I don't remember how many scriptures there is, but there's several scriptures that essentially are telling us not to judge. One scripture saying, judge. My argument is always, well, God doesn't contradict himself. So they both can't be right. All right. What is more likely? The several that said don't, or the one that says does? That's off somewhere. The one that says does. Now, in my opinion, judge righteously there is probably a misinterpretation somewhere where it may be yes, judge as an evaluate the situation, be mindful of certain things, right? But not judging the person and coming to conclusions about them. And the reason why you shouldn't, why people can never be the judge is because a judge is someone who you present all the evidence to and they make a final decision.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:49

None of us have all the evidence on what someone has been through or what they're dealing with or what's going on. You can't properly judge them. So to me, even if there is righteous judgment, how can a human being ever righteously judge? That's impossible. The only person that can righteously judge is God, is the spirit. That's it. So if you're gonna judge, you should be asking God in prayer, what's this situation about, or what's this person about? Not you coming to your conclusions or whatever. Anyways, bringing me back to what I was gonna say. So I've seen some situations where, I'm I'll to make it a little less controversial, I've seen some men who will like talk down on other men who struggle with sexual discipline. All right. And I'm looking at the guy like, you don't get girls like that. So that's really easy for you to be high and mighty about how you don't do anything when you can't get it anyway. What you like, what are you talking about? Okay, yeah, that's a very different dynamic. Or even how, and this is not to say there aren't men who can't get them and still discipline themselves. But again, there's so many different factors and circumstances that you just don't know about that contribute to how someone is able to navigate certain situations, okay? It's almost like a simpler example or analogy I'll give is you have two women going on a diet. They both need to give up chocolate. Okay? One woman's level of liking chocolate is a level three.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:19

The other woman's level of liking chocolate is a level 10. They're naturally gonna have very different journeys and difficulties, not because one is more disciplined than the other, because one likes it less than the other. So it's not gonna be as hard for her. Then if you add another factor, let's say the one who has a level three on top of that is single, lives by herself. The level 10 lady has kids and they love them some snacks and want snacks in the house, okay? Yeah. You know how much harder now it just became for her to conquer this? Yeah. So again, and let's say in the next 30 days, yeah, the woman who by herself and barely likes chocolate ate chocolate one time. The woman who loves it at the level 10 and has the kids ate it three times. I would argue that the woman who ate it three times is more disciplined than the level woman who ate it once. Because you already have a low desire for it. You don't have any kids there. There was less reason for you to fall into it. Yes. This woman had more, she has to see it every single day. You see what I'm saying? So again, this is just an example of how on a smaller level, you just don't know what factors people are dealing with. And it goes beyond the moment. It's also how they were raised, what they've been exposed to. All these things play into how we handle situations as adults. Okay? So it's like people just do not, they need to give grace and stop judging and understand there's just a lot more to this than people think it is. Yes, a lot of levels, a lot of levels.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:54

You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna out myself and ask a question that's more in my personal realm. So I'm in a space where, as you see, my life is elevating, this thing's happening, I'm moving and shaking. And I had a gentleman say to me in real life, oh, you're perfect. However, I just need a woman who just has her nine to five, she comes home, and then she goes on holiday with the girls twice a year, and I'm like, sir, that's not me. My point is, and and that's one of our strange encounters. As females in particular, who are in their purpose and doing the thing, and it's not like and it's and it's not in the energy of I'm a bust chick. It's not that energy, we just try to live and do our do our work too. There's a very strange level in aligning with the right partner, and where am I trying to land? I think we'll and I'm I'm I've been trying to work it out for myself recently. My aesthetic doesn't match how I show up in the world in terms of action. Like, I get that. I think a lot of the time when people mencounter me, I could be wrong, but this is what I'm interpreting. I think they try to put me in a trophy space, and then I open my mouth, whoa, this girl's got fire, she's got things going on, and I'm like, I get that there's something amiss in terms of me. I'm gonna pull it out to you. Help me, what do I need to do and like to align myself, please?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:39

Well, okay. And this might be a tough pill to swallow. I will take the pill, it's fine. So, one, what we have to understand is that depending on again, once you understand who you are and the path you need to walk, you then have to understand only certain people can fit with you on that path. Okay, and with that, there are sacrifices, there's always a trade-off, everything, okay? So, what I find is that, and I'll give an example, and this may not completely apply to you, but it, you know, I think you'll understand where I'm going with this. So, let's say a woman is a very huge goal-getter, she's on it, she needs to be out there achieving all these types of things. She will more than likely have a hard time aligning with a man who's also very ambitious doing his thing and out there. Not saying it never happens, not saying it can never work, but it's very difficult. All right, because essentially he wants to go this way, she wants to go that way. Unless their ambitions line up to where it's like, if, for example, he's a music artist and she's a music producer. Okay, well, they they they they don't have to clash, right? Yeah. Or it may be easier for them to not have to clash. Or if he's an artist and she's the tour manager or the his manager. Again, easy for that to be alignment and for her to still do her thing and he does his thing. But if her purpose and path is very different from his, it's not gonna allow for that relationship to be nurtured in a way that can really be successful in the long term. So then what happens is you almost, in most cases, have to find someone who is a little bit more passive or a little less ambitious. See, and and see this the laugh happens because this is where the issue occurs. Now it is normal for the for most women, like I meet most women I meet who I know who are ambitious, who are doing their thing, whatever, they want a man who's ambitious, doing his thing, handling his business.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:32

But it's like those two things don't really fit. So you have to be willing to make the trade-off. And the trade-off is all right, someone who can handle you being out there doing your thing. That probably means he's not much. Like I know a woman, she's married now, she's go-getter, has her multiple businesses doing her thing. Her husband is the nine to five.

unknown 1:18:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:57

He goes to work, he comes home, that's it. Nice. He has no desire for all this extra stuff. And initially, I think she was trying to push him. Well, you need to go do this and do this. And I was like, listen, you gotta understand who this man is. Like, yeah, maybe you can get him to do a little bit more, but he's never gonna be that guy who's just taking initiative and boom, boom, boom, boom. You gotta be okay with that, you know? And that's how you'll be able to find greater balance. But I think that's the struggle for a lot of women, especially a lot of women who are doers and movers and shakers and stuff like that, because they don't like that trade-off. And and and and what also comes with that trade-off, I hate to say it, but this is true, if he's a more passive, less ambitious guy, he's probably not the most financially successful either. Okay? And that also becomes a very tough pill to swallow for a lot of women. Now, again, I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you really look at these situations, this is what you'll find. And where you find harmony, it's usually one is a goal getter, one is the more chill brings balance to the situation. You're not gonna have both of them being completely like that, and it usually works over the long run. So I think you have to open your horizons. Of course. You gotta be more flexible in that.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:18

And I think this is where, see, one of the things I try to encourage women of wherever you are in life, whatever you're doing with yourself, is focus less on, like I'm I'm sure you've heard it, where they used to tell women, especially women in church, make a list, write down what you want, boom, boom, boom. And I always tell the story of how I've known women who wrote the list, got exactly what they wanted, and still wasn't happy. Okay, that list is dangerous for that reason. Yeah. Stop focusing on all these, they need to have this, that, da, that. No, just meet people. Yep. If there's an attraction, explore it. If the vibe is there, if that if you guys are getting along, just go from there. I just think a lot of women trip themselves up because once they see he doesn't check certain boxes or whatever, that's that's more external or superficial stuff, yeah. They knock him off. But it's like, yo, but he actually fits you better than you could ever imagine. And I think, and I and I and I think that's true for both men and women. If they just took more of that approach, I think more people would be finding successful partners to be with.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:22

Weirdest thing that I keep finding now is that people keep trying to compete with me.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:25

Well, uh uh, so I'm just trying to live. So why are we why? Why? Well, this is where you you have to find. So I I don't know if this is always the case, all right? But I do think there's the kind of man who is comfortable in his lack of ambition or whatever. He's just he's very complacent. He has food to eat, a roof over his head, he's good. That's it. Then there's that guy who's always trying to, he's the dreamer, he always got these ideas, but he doesn't actually execute. Right. Okay?

SPEAKER_02 1:22:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:01

That dude, I believe, is the dude who's gonna compete with you all the time. Because he feels he should be further. Yeah. Thinks he's that guy, but he's not really that guy because he never applies himself properly. Right. But he can't stop having these big ideas and so thinking he's gonna find some way to meet or surpass your level. So it has to be the guy who's like, no, no, no, I'm cool with where I'm at. I'm good. You know, so again, he's not a useless person. He's just not the person that's striving for extra. He's just he's good. He might do a couple extra things here and there with your motivation or inspiration, but he's never gonna be the take initiative and make stuff happen and do all this extra stuff. That's just not who he is.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:43

So you know when people in your space are like saying more up, go outside, because the love of your life is not gonna come to your doorstep. If if a woman was to sit in the space with what you've just said, in terms of just find a regular guy, because obviously, in terms of if somebody's looking for the more ambitious guy, the guy who's in a bit more of an elite space, shall we say? So we'd be like, oh, you go to the golf course, go to the cigar lounge, blah, blah, blah. Where's the the regular Joe though? Where's he hanging out then? He's everywhere. Is he just in the supermarket?

SPEAKER_00 1:23:17

Yeah, I think women do not realize how many men they actually cross paths with in a day, in a week, or just by going outside.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:27

All right? They're everywhere. You don't have to overthink it, you know? And let me also say this: going back to the high-achieving guy, the guy who's doing all this stuff, I think one of the things that women overlook is that a man in that position, one of the things he values in a woman that he's with is availability.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:46

All right? He wants to have access to you. If you're all over the place all the time, that's the problem right there. Like he doesn't have that same access. It's almost like dating someone who has a kid and they always have to break plans because they're like they're not available because they have too much going on with their kids. Right. That for some people is too much. Now, you you know, if you meet a guy who's like, well, I don't care, I don't need that much time from you, then okay, then you might be good. But that becomes a huge problem for a lot of guys who've achieved those levels. But yeah, the regular guy, and don't even look at it as a regular guy. Just be open to any guy that you have that energy with, attraction with, all those things with. But yeah, they're everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:26

But they're everywhere, but they don't speak anymore. I have, I'm, I make eye, my eyes make fall all the time. I have I catch people staring and I don't approach, nobody says anything anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:37

Okay, you catch them staring. What do you do in return?

SPEAKER_01 1:24:42

I'm a smiley person.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:44

I made them with a little smile. But but are you smiling at them or are you just smiling in general? Like, but my thing is this what signal are you giving them specifically in that moment that they can come talk to you?

SPEAKER_01 1:24:59

I because I'm out I'm an um animated person, depends where we are. I might even say, you alright? Or how are you? Or if somebody or some of them, if they do verbalize, I will respond respectfully.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:12

No, no, no, forget verbalize. We didn't say verbalized. So you jump in steps here. We said, all right, you're out.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:20

You turn around. I don't give anti-energy.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:23

I am you welcome. You don't think you give anti-energy. You need to ask men's opinion on that. Okay, I will. But let's let's rewind. You're out, you see a man looking at you.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:36

You so you look at him, you see him looking at you.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:39

Now what do you do? Hold the gaze.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:41

Do you really? Depends where I am. Some I ha I have impact. Okay. I wouldn't say majority of the time, honestly, but I have.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:49

So my my thing is this. I I when I sit down with women and we really break everything down, they're not giving clear signals of interest or approachability. Okay? I can't tell, and I can say this personally. Again, I have so many stories from before I even became Stefan Speaks. Okay. I've had situations where I remember one time, um, I was at some party or something, some uh somehow ended up talking to this girl or this this a friend of mine, a female friend of mine, said, Oh, this girl's interested. Went to go talk to her. Like her energy was so cold. Okay. And then afterwards, it was like, I was like, yeah, she didn't seem like she was interested. She's like, oh my God, like she's crazy about you. I'm like, like, what do you want me to do with that? I'm so you want me to like, like you're giving me energy that says you're I'm bothering you right now. Not that you're interested. I and that might not even be the best example. The point I'm trying to make is that I have crossed paths with people who won't make proper eye contact or give any energy, only to find out afterwards or later they're super interested. It's like, I don't think women realize how how bad they are at giving signals. Okay? And so I think that would make a huge difference is learning how to give better signals so that a man will feel comfortable approaching you. Because again, in today's world, it's gotten worse.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:19

Because number one, nobody, you know, this whole thing you can get recorded, you can get shamed out of nowhere, you know, everything is just a problem. So a lot of men are just like, you know what, let me just fall back. I don't want to bother nobody. So unless you give them a clear, like, no, you can come talk to me, yeah, a lot of men are gonna struggle with that.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:38

So on that note, give me give me five clear signs of what I should have done other than just my my held gaze.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:48

Okay, so one, if if you're gonna holding the gaze is good, but throw a smile behind that gaze at the same time. Okay. Don't wink. Winking would be awesome. Winking, waving, uh any of that, because you can't get no clearer than that. Okay. I think a wave is even better. Because if you if you wink, he might be like, Man, something was in her eye. I don't know if that's really a wink. But a wave, there's no way to rationalize past a wave. Like she's actually waving at me. Okay, wait a minute. Let me go say hello. Okay. So a wave is even better. Holding the gaze with the smile, wave. Um, I do think if depending on where you are, one thing I always tell women is if you're out and you're out with your friends, create moments of separation from your friends. Okay. Men do not want to approach you in front of an audience. All right. So I know a lot of women like they go to the bathroom with their friends. If it's a safe place, go to the bathroom by yourself. Because it's in that moment that he may be able to catch you and be like, oh, you know, now is a chance to talk to you. Or the bar. Go to the bar. If you're at a lounge for those who go to the bars or whatever, go by yourself for a second. Just somehow create moments by yourself that makes it easier for someone to approach you. Of course, there's a simple give a compliment.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:09

All right, flat out say something and give a compliment. That's very uh effective in creating a conversation. I'm not sure there's a fifth one, but um. Nah, I wouldn't say but you leave. I think that's too much. That that's a more sexual signal, and yeah, unless you on, if you're not on that, then I would say don't do it. Um yeah, no, I I think those four things are are pretty effective. Okay. You know? Notice. Well, just create conversation with the person, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:42

I if anything, the last thing I would throw in there is don't be afraid to give somebody your number. I think women, women, you know, they don't understand or they they view it as, oh, well, he's supposed to pursue. Listen, you're just basically telling him, here, here's the opportunity if you want to take it. He still has to then, you know, pursue by calling, initiating, actually doing something with it. You're just making the opportunity be presented to him. That's it. Hold. Okay. Yeah, but you know what? My my thing is, so many people, especially when it's someone that you cross paths with on a regular basis, okay. I've seen people hold women hold on to crushes for years with people they work with, church with, whatever. And the thing is, the weight of the crush not being resolved is like paralyzing that woman, and she doesn't even realize it. Okay. Okay? So just for the sake of, like sometimes I I've had times where I've seen a woman, let's say online, and I'll pray and ask God, should I say something? And I felt like God told me to say something, not because this was gonna lead anywhere, just to basically bring it to an end. Meaning, because if I don't, I'm gonna be wondering, man, maybe I should reach out. It's something going, no, let's just nip this in the butt. Either there's gonna be interest or there's not, or either I'm gonna see quickly, nah, this isn't gonna go anywhere, end it or not. That's it. We're just bringing things to resolution. I think letting things drag on is a huge mistake people make.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:09

Love that. Thank you. I'm gonna do better.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:14

Yes, that's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:16

Do you have any lasting thoughts, reflections that you'd like to share with the people?

SPEAKER_00 1:31:22

Um, just healing. Healing is what needs to happen. Um, healing and living life with less fear. I think people are just too afraid of everything. And again, I think it's just a matter, how many shoot, even me, I was afraid a day to speak on certain things, right? And I have to learn to be less fearful and just speak, you know. If God wants me to speak on it, just speak on it. But I just feel like people aren't enjoying their lives as much as they need to, you know, as much as they could, because they're just too worried. Like I was speaking, I have a male friend who he got burned by a woman a long time ago. And ever since then, like he like he stays away from very attractive women or women of very high caliber, right? And it's a prote it's a defense mechanism. And so I said to him the other day, I said, you know, and I think we it it started with something about a woman cheating. And I said, listen, you know, I don't put nothing past anybody. And if it happens to me one day, it is what it is, right? My thing is, would you rather have $10 million for the next 10 years, but then you're gonna lose it after those 10 years, or just be broke the whole time? That's how people are living their lives. They're so afraid of love and being hurt and all these different things that they're staying broke. Where I'm like, no, I'd rather just enjoy the love, even if it's only gonna last me for five years, three years, ten years. Let me live it up. And then when it's gone, it's gone. Yeah, we don't take anything with us.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:50

So why are we getting so attached? Yeah. I granted, we don't want it to end. It sucks to get hurt, but guess what? I'd rather have that 10 million for 10 years. I'd rather have, I'd rather live it up. Yeah, you know, and I just feel like that's people need to just forgive themselves, be vulnerable, live it up, but be aware enough to understand. See, I think the biggest thing, and we'll leave it with this we have to understand that hurt or disappointment is inevitable. It's inevitable when we have expectations of people. See, I think I'm I become less and less disappointed because I expect less. I just flow with wherever God wants me to go, what's gonna happen is gonna happen. There's still gonna be, it's human nature to still have disappointments, but it doesn't affect me the same, right? I think we have to understand everyone is capable of hurting you. It doesn't make them a bad person. Right, they're human. Okay? I always say, even Jesus had a Judas. Everybody, no, no one's gonna have this perfect life where, like, I think putting 100% trust into anyone is unfair.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:58

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:59

Unfair and unreasonable. And what's crazy is the world, especially when it comes to relations, there's two dynamics romantic relationship and spiritual walk is the two places where you can get it right 99.9% of the time. But the minute that point one shows up where you fall short, people will define you by that point one. So in a romantic relationship, you could have done everything right, but if you mess up big enough that point one, it's oh, I can't trust you anymore. It's over, you're not worth it, you you've always been bad. You could be the most perfect believer, though that doesn't really exist, but you could be doing everything right. Let church people find out that one time you did something wrong, and now you just a heathen, you a scammer, you everything, they will this, they will discredit the 99% to define you by the one. And that's crazy. Okay? So all that to say, I just think that if people just understand, listen, man, we don't live this world to avoid hurt or disappointment. We live this world to walk out our purpose and to experience things, right? And God wants you to live your life to the fullest. So do that. Do that, enjoy yourself. Let God protect you because you can't, no matter what you do, you can't do it. You'll never be fully successful at that.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:20

Where can they find you?

SPEAKER_00 1:35:21

Stefan Speaks on all platforms, or go to my store, stephanspeakshop.com.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:27

Amazing. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:28

You're very welcome.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:29

It's been a wonderful pleasure. You got me right. Fix it or help me on my journey to fixing. There you go. Good. And once again, a wonderful, incredible episode that um, yeah, well, as usual, my head is spinning. I'm so excited I'm so excited to just fix my life. And I hope every this has been a blessing to everyone, and you take the tips that Stefan has shared with us and um take the example of stepping into your purpose, doing your work, taking action, and this is what we definitely encourage on this podcast. So, as usual, please get at me in the comments, talk to Stefan in the comments, share, subscribe, like, and as usual, say less.