Episode 6: Why "Just Leave" Isn't the Answer—and What Employers Should Know

“Why doesn’t she just leave?” sounds like common sense until you understand what leaving can trigger. We sit with the reality that separation is often the most dangerous phase of domestic violence, and we unpack why a survivor might stay, return, or delay leaving while still doing everything possible to protect herself and her kids. 

In this episode, I share some of my own story, translating lived experience into clear guidance for HR professionals, managers, and business leaders.

We talk through the biggest barriers that keep people trapped: 

• safety risks and escalation 
• child custody threats 
• financial abuse 
• isolation and gaslighting
• legal and housing hurdles 

Your workplace matters more than you might know!  A job can be the one stable lifeline: income, healthcare, structure, and the only safe place to breathe for a domestic violence victim.  Quiet, confidential support like flexible leave, visible resources, and Employee Assistance Program access, without forced disclosure, can help someone safety plan and exit on a timeline that reduces risk.

If you want stronger domestic violence workplace policies, a more trauma-informed HR approach, and practical steps that balance compassion with compliance, listen now. 

Subscribe, share with someone in your network, and leave a review so more leaders learn how to respond with safety first.

Transcript

Welcome And The Core Question

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Welcome to the Safe Work Advantage Podcast, where we help HR professionals, managers, and business leaders create safer, more supportive workplaces for employees facing domestic violence. This is episode six, why just leave isn't the answer, and what employers should know. And I'm April Hardy, survivor, advocate, and founder of In Case I Murdered LLC. The Safe Work Advantage podcast is where compassion meets compliance and safety meets strategy. Let's get into it. It's one of the most common and dangerous questions asked when domestic violence comes to light. Why doesn't she just leave? For employers and HR professionals, understanding the answers to that question can mean the difference between supporting a survivor and unintentionally putting them in greater danger. Leaving an abusive relationship is not a single event. It's a complex, risky process. There can be one to several very valid reasons why a victim doesn't leave or leaves and then goes back to their abuser. And it often involves many failed attempts before it becomes final. Here's why just leaving isn't simple. 1. Safety risks spike during and after leaving. Statistically, the most dangerous time for a victim is when she tries to leave and for the 12 months after she leaves. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 75% of intimate partner homicides happen after the victim attempts to leave or has recently left. Abusers often escalate when they feel they're losing control. 2. Children and Custody Fears. Abusers often weaponize children. When the children are theirs too, they do this by threatening custody battles or using the kids to manipulate the victim. On the other hand, when the children are from a previous partner, their lives are often in danger, as well as their moms. This is one of the biggest reasons that victims stay. 3. Financial dependence. Many survivors have been cut off from money, job opportunities, credit, and all other financial assets. They may have no resources to start over, and they may have had their earning power diminished on purpose. That situation becomes even more difficult when they have children to support financially. 4. Isolation and psychological abuse. Years of gaslighting, fear, and social isolation can convince survivors they have no options, or that no one will believe them. They may have been told repeatedly that they're incapable of surviving on their own. They have also likely been stripped of their support systems. 5. Legal and housing barriers. Some victims fear homelessness, retaliation, or navigating a confusing legal system that feels more like another abuser than a protective asset. Finding emergency shelter or legal aid can be difficult and extremely shameful. People almost never asked me why I didn't leave. They just looked at me with judgmental eyes. I left my ex-husband, before he was my husband, after I felt uneasy with him and he had threatened to slice my tires if I ever tried to leave. But he was the father of my unborn child, and you're supposed to fight for your family, so I went back. The next time I really left, I wasn't able to make enough for us to live on, and I couldn't get government assistance because we were married and he made too much money, even though I wasn't getting any of that money. I took a job that allowed me to bring my toddler and my baby with me. But when my mom lost her job, we all lost our home. He said he would provide for me and our children. I didn't see a different way to provide for us, so I went back. The last time that I left him, I had been hiding some of the money I made from tips during the couple of weeks that he let me have a job. After he put me through a trellis wall and choked our roommate unconscious, and a police officer told me that I was going to get us killed if I stayed. I used that money for gas and a phone, and I made the trip from Texas to Nebraska with my one and three-year-old kids. A year later, he moved back to Nebraska and tried to get back with me again. But by that time, I had gotten a little more stable. He still threatened to take our kids, though, when I wouldn't give in to his wishes. When I reported him for sexually abusing our daughter during her visits, he stalked our house. I later heard from his girlfriend at that time that they would drive by my house and he would talk about killing me. But I already knew it because I knew him. I would come home from work every day expecting to find my kids slaughtered. I couldn't let them in, emotionally, because I knew that if I did and he killed them, I wouldn't survive it. I do remember one questioning incident really well. I had broken up with a boyfriend who concerned me when we were together and then scared me during and after the breakup. A woman in my Bible study group asked me if I really thought he would hurt me. I was sitting there on a couch, a visibly exhausted shell of a human being who had been fairly vocal about what was going on in my life, and I was astounded at her question. No, of course I don't really think he'd hurt me. That's why I took my kids and went into hiding. Why I don't sleep? Why I hide my car at work? Because I don't really think he'd hurt me. That one stalked my house for years. He stalked my social media as I tried to build up a community of victims and advocates. He attacked my business online. He came to my church. He hung out by my kids' school during drop-off time. He used the legal system to harass me. And someone he knew warned me that he had talked to them about killing me, but they were adamant that it had to stay anonymous because they were worried for theirs and their family's safety as well. Here's what I need employers to understand. Your employee isn't choosing to stay or even to go back necessarily. She's calculating survival odds every single day. She's weighing homelessness against violence. She's protecting her children. She's trying to save enough money to make it across state lines or one month on her own. She's waiting for the right moment when leaving won't get her killed. And she's showing up to work because that job might be the only stable thing in her life. It might be her only source of income, her only social connection, or her only reason to leave the house. When you ask, why doesn't she just leave? What you're really asking is, why doesn't she risk everything? Her safety, her income, her children, her life, on the hope that the system will protect her? And the honest answer is because the system often doesn't. Let's look at a couple of mini case studies. A hotel front desk clerk named Jasmine was admired for her cheerful attitude and professionalism. But after her hours were cut, she quietly returned to living with an abusive partner to avoid eviction. HR didn't know. When she no-called, no showed for a shift due to a hospital visit and a police report, they assumed she was unreliable, and they fired her. Two weeks later, her ex assaulted her again, and this time she had no job or insurance to help her recover. Second case study. At a large nonprofit, an HR director noticed an employee, Tanya, frequently used her break to make whispered phone calls. Instead of confronting her, the director quietly provided printed materials about EAP services and community resources, and reassured staff in a team meeting that support was confidential and judgment-free. Months later, Tanya disclosed her situation. She had used those very resources to safely exit a violent marriage, with workplace support the entire way. Quick facts segment. It takes an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive partner, according to the Oregon Health and Science University. As I said earlier, the majority of intimate partner homicides happen during separation or shortly after. That fact is cited by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. What you can do. 1. Avoid judgmental language. Why don't you leave? can sound like blame. Instead, say, what support would be helpful right now? 2. Offer flexible leave options for employees navigating legal or safety matters. 3. Encourage use of employee assistance programs or third-party resources without requiring disclosure. Safe Work Advantage gives survivors access to risk assessment, safety planning tools, emotional clarity, and education, all without requiring them to tell anyone at work. It also gives HR leaders peace of mind knowing support is available without requiring disclosure from the employees or extra work for HR. 4. Create policies that protect, not pressure. Ensure HR guidelines don't make assumptions about how or when someone should leave an abusive partner. 5. Audit your current leave policies for domestic violence flexibility. 6. Identify local shelters or hotlines and make resources visible. 7. Schedule a 15-minute internal team discussion about your domestic violence response protocols. Common misconceptions to avoid. 1. If she stays, it must not be that bad. Many victims are surviving the only way they know how. In fact, it's often true that the more danger they're in, the less likely they are to talk about it. 2. Helping her leave solves the problem. It's only the beginning, and often the riskiest part. Abuse victims benefit from sustained support, not a quick fix action. If you don't already have one, you can get a free domestic violence policy template at resources.aprilhardy.com slash employer-hr dash resources and start building policies that truly protect. Thanks for listening to the Safework Advantage podcast. If you found this helpful, be sure to subscribe and share it with someone in your network. For free tools, templates, and workplace resources, visit Incasimurdered.com slash safe work. Until next time, stay safe and help others do the same.