Episode 19- Having Fun Storming the Castle

The group decides to break into the King's Palace before the ball, and begins executing their plan... chaos ensues rather quickly...

This episode contains: Violence, Profanity, Sexual Content, Crude Humor, Reference to Drug/Alcohol Use

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Caverns and Critters is a podcast about little guys made for big guys. As in adults, content warnings can be found in the episode description.

SPEAKER_08 0:34

Welcome to Caverns and Critters, a mouse redder real play podcast that tells the story of a group of recently heartbroken and newly single young adults finding themselves cast into another dimension where they've been turned into little critters. Critter report, critter report! Uh my critter report for the day is that the spiders that live with us don't like me. Because they were gone forever. And then Megan gets home, and now they're all over the place. I see them every day. So they're there for Megan, they don't like me. Which it's fine. You know, I get it. I accidentally kicked that one, but you know, I just think that's that's worth throwing out there that they live in my house rent-free and get to eat my bugs.

SPEAKER_09 1:12

Get teacher bugs if I'm working for you.

SPEAKER_08 1:15

And they don't even come out to say hi. They work hard for you, shut the hell.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Maybe you should charge them.

SPEAKER_08 1:22

See, I want them to like me still though, so it's in this awkward situation where I'm like, I'm trying to play it cool.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yeah, never owe money to your friends or whatever they say.

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Yeah. I don't really know if this is a critter report and more of like just a situational report. Okay. Animals Situational report, situational report, situational report. I was out in the garage with my girlfriend's mom, and there was like this little board that's sticking up, and it's like a laminate countertop, and we like were looking through some of the cabinets, right? And I picked this thing up, and I kid you not, a block of solid concrete laminate hits me right on my two toes, and it hurt like a bitch.

SPEAKER_08 2:08

Yeah, no, that sounds painful, and I am glad that that didn't happen to me.

SPEAKER_04 2:13

Also, there's a thing called Blue 52 that is in the ocean that somehow. Oh my god, I did see that and we have never found it, and it is it eats whales, it uh it may be eating whales, and it may be using the frequency to disguise itself as a whale to trick other whales to go down there. What?

SPEAKER_08 2:32

We'd never see it, but we hear it almost every day, and we cannot find it.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

Because by the time that it reaches our ears, it's already gone.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

That's that's like super awesome, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06 2:43

But how how do we know it's a creature though?

SPEAKER_08 2:46

It is I don't remember exactly how it is. I just know that they know it is consistently making noises similar to whale noises, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

As terrifying as that prospect is, I do think there's something to be said about the like super cool nature of us not knowing everything. True, true. But it is how little we know.

SPEAKER_04 3:05

It scares me on a Lovecraftian level. Oh, yeah, it's a lot of things. That's a plug for our that's a a plug for our Lovecraft versus an uh Ace Unit episode of Content Machine.

SPEAKER_08 3:17

Look up Content Machine 2 on Ransfens animation for more.

SPEAKER_04 3:20

I am shameless plug. Apparently we can hear the 52 hertz noise, but then by the time we track where it is, the thing's already gone. That sounds awesome.

SPEAKER_08 3:32

Their guess is that it's some type of blue whale, is what they say, but we've never seen it.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

That's so cool to me.

SPEAKER_08 3:38

It's the coolest thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

I'm never gonna find it. Like, personally, I'm not gonna go look for it.

SPEAKER_08 3:43

Please go. Anybody who's interested, go look for it. What is it, 52 hertz whale? Blue 52, 52 hertz whale top shit. Okay. Tap shit. Look into it, guys.

SPEAKER_03 3:54

Okay. Does anyone else have a critter report before we move on? I have a sad one. There was a dead bird in front of my uh my post office door this morning. I was so sad about it.

SPEAKER_08 4:02

Did you clean it up and give it a burial or did you just kind of let him be?

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Uh I gently picked him up and just kind of moved him over into the like little where the trees are at right there. I didn't want to bury it or anything because I had to get ready for work and I was sad, but I was letting nature take the course with this one.

SPEAKER_08 4:17

You were returning him to the to the to Mother Nature. Yep, and that's beautiful. Uh does anybody else have a credit report?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Uh there's a black cat on campus lately. That's fun.

SPEAKER_06 4:27

Nice. I was in the kitchen at work, and my coworker was like, ah, there's a spider, there's a spider, go kill it. And then somebody stepped up to kill it, and I was like, No, let me handle this. And I went in there and I picked him up and I took him outside, and they all freaked out at me for touching the spider. But I had to pretend that I was gonna kill him because they were all like, No, you must die! And I was like, I will take up the burden.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

You're like, yeah, I'll I'll take him out back. Don't worry, guys.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

I'll take him out back and set him free with a kiss. I'm gonna give him a kiss and send him on his way. Did you give him a kiss? That's what I did. It was nice.

SPEAKER_04 5:03

I say that it affects me on a deep level, but then when I see a spider, it's just like human nature to be like, and then I feel bad after I kill it.

SPEAKER_08 5:11

You listen, at one time I was there, Candon. But the more you interact with spiders and realize that they are not a threat at all to you, your brain stops perceiving them as a threat outside of the first like one second you see them. But okay. For everybody at home, just wanting to let everybody know as often as I can remember too, we are working on a new homebrew uh combat TTRPG system to replace the fact that we're currently using Mouse Ritter. We're gonna keep a lot of some of the stuff the same, like the spirit the same, uh, but we are making a lot of changes as well. Um just want to let everybody know about that, so you're not surprised when it eventually happens. Uh it'll be a little bit yet, but it will be soon. Ish. I've been putting lots of hours into it. And then guys, as you know, we have a Patreon and uh nobody nobody has submitted a question for a little bit, which is fine. It's fine. I I forgive you, I guess. Uh, but if you're hearing us, please immediately go in the comments and leave a question. What is the worst health your character has ever been in? We're gonna go ahead and start with Catherine.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Hi, I'm Catherine. I play Roz Schumann, Kill Deer, Small Bird, maybe the sexiest person in the group. Whoa. Not true. Just gonna Not true. That's a hot take to challenge everyone else in the group because now I know it's it's a thing. But the worst health Roz has ever been in, probably having seasonal allergies and mono at the same time.

SPEAKER_08 6:31

Ooh. Tough month. Remind me what mono is again. The kissing disease. It's like a respiratory thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Deadass, just like being sick.

SPEAKER_06 6:39

Turns into hella liberal. But for like a really long time. It's like it can be really like latent, and then when it activates, it takes a really long time to get over. I I had it, that's what I had the most recent time.

SPEAKER_04 6:51

I got mine at an unclean swimming pool.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Wow, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 6:55

When I was in second grade.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

No, I've never had mono, but I remember someone in my high school got it. She said from a water bottle.

SPEAKER_04 7:03

That's terrifying. You can get it from anything. It it really just and you d and it just feels like a cold, and then it turns out it's the most contagious thing ever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 7:12

And also you can literally have it for like months and not know it because it won't show any symptoms, and then it's there. Horrifying.

SPEAKER_04 7:20

I was in second grade and I remember going to the doctor after summer camp, and the doctor was like, Yeah, you've got mono real bad. And I was like, What? And they were like, You probably you probably got it from an unclean swim pool. And I was like, Huh? And then when I got to school, when I got back from school, everybody thought I had died of the kissing disease. They're like, Cannon's got so much play that he bout died.

SPEAKER_08 7:46

He bout died. I believe part of that story for sure, Cannon.

SPEAKER_07 7:51

No, no, no. I'm saying that the children is Isaiah.

SPEAKER_06 7:56

I feel that the worst health that Gail has ever been in is probably just grief. Just like I think she's just gone through a lot of grief in her life, and that's that puts her at the worst. Sickness? She's a girl boss, you know. She kind of powers through that shit. She never really worries about that.

SPEAKER_08 8:14

She's never asked for a day off when she had the flu. Never.

SPEAKER_06 8:17

She's a capitalist through and through.

SPEAKER_08 8:19

Truly the most American, hardworking character.

SPEAKER_06 8:24

She's also Dominican. Bet you guys didn't know that.

SPEAKER_08 8:27

What?

SPEAKER_06 8:28

No, I'm making I'm making that up. That is not true. She's Caucasian. Emphasis on the cock.

SPEAKER_08 8:35

Emphasis on the cock is crazy. Wait, I feel like I need to point this out. Fantastic. Fantastic dating profile caption right there for all of our listeners at home if you're in the in the market. Caucasian emphasis on the cock is really well. Well done. That's how I bags my lady. It works. It works, man. Test it and prove it. That's great to hear. Alright, D, are you ready?

SPEAKER_03 9:00

I am ready, I think.

SPEAKER_08 9:01

Well, ready or not? Here you come, buddy. Let me have it. Oh, whoa.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

Hi, I'm D. I play the sexiest bird to ever do it, Dan. Tonsil.

SPEAKER_09 9:12

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

And the the worst health he has ever been in was the time he had accidentally gave himself tonsillitis and then proceeded to get a cold right on top of it. And he had to take steroids for it and nearly fucking died. True story.

SPEAKER_08 9:28

Remind me, what is tonsillitis?

SPEAKER_03 9:30

Uh you see your tonsils just ain't doing it no more. What do tonsils do, actually?

SPEAKER_00 9:34

It's inflammation of the tonsils.

SPEAKER_08 9:38

I'm slowly revealing that I'm fucking stupid. I don't think it's been a slow reveal, but well, I like to think it's been a slow reveal personally, but you know, agree to disagree.

SPEAKER_06 9:51

You're warming up to it.

SPEAKER_08 9:52

Yeah, exactly. It's been a slow reveal to myself. That's the worst kind of deal. That's so sad.

SPEAKER_06 9:58

That's so sad. Hearing that though.

SPEAKER_04 10:01

Candon, are you ready? Yes, I am, Janethy. My name's Candon Johnson, writer, director, filmmaker. Oh. And I play Jack the Lizard. I didn't I don't know why I turned this into a dating profile, but you know.

SPEAKER_08 10:20

Yeah, I'm Candon. I guess you could say I'm a quirky guy. I like going on adventures and watching the offer.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

I'm looking for the Pam to my gym.

SPEAKER_04 10:32

I fucking hate what you made me into, John. Anyway. Jack's worst sick moment is when he caught COVID after a music festival. Was it Coachella? Yes, it was Coachella. Topical. Jacob!

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Your turn.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Hi, I'm Jacob. I play Samuel. Hi Samuel.

SPEAKER_03 10:53

Hi Samuel.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Hi, Samuel.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Hi guys, Samuel. I think the worst thing that Samuel has gone had to go through is having asthma.

SPEAKER_08 11:03

Damn.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

And uh no other complicated other than like being picked last in like gym class.

SPEAKER_08 11:10

I'm familiar. Could not have been me. Hello, I'm John Ransom. I'll be your DM this evening. Uh thanks, John. Uh not trying to brag or anything.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Oh god, this was just a way for I had a tumor.

SPEAKER_08 11:23

He likes to bring it in. I genuinely was like, alright, what question? John was thinking of this. He's like, an opportunity. Do I want to answer? Yeah. Do I want to make the audience feel bad for me? When I was 10 years old, I had a tumor. In my noggin, it almost got me, guys. Came close. Uh, but I beat it. Easy. Hail to the little victors, bitch. U of M. Let's go. Foot net tumor for real. Let's see. Uh, yeah, so I dropped down to a very small weight. And after surgery, I was also picked last every time in gym class because I was very small and had no muscle anymore.

SPEAKER_06 11:59

Don't let that distract you from the fact that he was picked last before the tumor, too.

SPEAKER_09 12:03

No.

SPEAKER_08 12:03

Hey, listen, some information is omitted because then put it if you put it in a certain order, then it sounds a little bit. Because it makes me look bad, right? Yeah, exactly. God damn it. Alright, cool.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

John John had a great group of friends who always picked him first to do everything. Don't let him fool you. Until, you know, that fateful day.

SPEAKER_08 12:28

But yeah, I mean, who can blame him afterwards, you know? Alright, cool. Fade into theme. In the last episode, Samuel leveled up. Uh in his visit to the Soul Realm, he saw his friend Shauna, who was looking very sickly and told of how she was trapped somewhere having the magic stolen from her body. Uh, Headard found your camp, bringing Jack along with him, therefore reuniting the group, and you guys had a discussion about breaking in and stealing the device that will drag your trinkets. Uh, you guys all got folded up into a blanket and you started getting fly towards the city to attempt to do some espionage during the food shipment being brought in to the palace. So would you guys uh go ahead and take her away?

SPEAKER_03 13:14

Uh I popped my head out of the blanket. I don't know if it's like wrapped around, is there how that works, but I just kinda popped my head up and talked to Headard real quick just to just to ask him a quick question.

SPEAKER_08 13:22

So it's more that you guys are like, it's like a big blanket, okay? And it's like he has put you all in the center and folded it all up and he's grabbing all four corners, carrying you in like a like a stork.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

Okay. So I yelled to Headard. Hey, what's up? Header, can we stop at the Alchemy store? I gotta grab something. Yeah! Which alchemy store? Uh I don't know. Uh hey Roz, you guys went to an alchemy store, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Yeah, I know. Uh you know Allie, the alchemist Headard.

SPEAKER_03 13:45

Oh. Oh, Al Allie.

SPEAKER_08 13:47

Uh someone's got history with Allie. I can I mean, I can drop you guys off, but I will wait across the street, probably. Um you guys feel Headard sway right, and he lands uh you guys in an alleyway. He unfolds the blanket and he's like, we gotta be quick if you guys wanna still make it. So uh hurry. Go.

SPEAKER_03 14:09

No, that's fine, that's fine. Uh so Dan would like quickly run into the shop.

SPEAKER_08 14:13

Yeah, I would I would follow Dan. Uh you guys grab the door and it is currently locked. Motherfucker!

SPEAKER_00 14:20

What? I start knocking on the door. Roz knocks on the door.

SPEAKER_08 14:23

Okay, you knock on the door, uh, you hear footsteps approaching the door, and then uh it swings open, and you see literally the most yoked, half-naked lizard you've ever seen in your entire life. Like this dude is in the perfect form.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

He's got like this is her lover, bro.

SPEAKER_08 14:41

He just looks super hot and he's like, got a cigarette, and he's like in a loincloth, and he's like, Yeah, what's up? Why couldn't I look like that? Hey, uh, who the fucker you? Uh, I don't know, like I'm here. Okay. You got a name, stranger? My name is Frills. I don't know what you want from me, dude.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Frills. Are you do you know where Allie is?

SPEAKER_08 15:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Yeah. Can you go get her? I don't give a fuck about you. Can we speed this up?

SPEAKER_08 15:09

Alright, yeah, whatever. Grandma!

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Grandma! Grandma. Man, I thought you guys were fucking for real.

SPEAKER_08 15:16

Temptation to yell we are right there was crazy.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Yes, what is it? Oh, thank God. I thought you were having sex with this young man.

SPEAKER_08 15:24

Oh no, no, no. I know, this is my grandbaby. Well, I would come on in, guys. I was uh just about waking up. I was doing the greatest alchemy I do, which is brewing coffee.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

I'm I'm really sorry. Yeah, sorry. Sorry to interrupt you, ma'am.

SPEAKER_08 15:40

Coffee. Oh yeah, I'm making coffee. Do you want to cut?

SPEAKER_03 15:44

No, thank you. We don't have to go.

SPEAKER_08 15:45

It'll be twenty dollars.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Oh my god, why? And it's Pips here, Allie.

SPEAKER_08 15:49

Oh, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Alas? No, I'm joking. Alright, come out in, right? What can I do for you guys?

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Uh, Connor, this is Allie.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Nice to meet you, Allie.

unknown 15:59

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 15:59

Can I have your grandson's workout regiment?

SPEAKER_08 16:02

Oh, you could go talk to him, yeah, for sure. Uh go you guys could go talk over there. Uh. Okay, thank you. Uh, where right, what can I do for you, Mr. Smouse? Uh what can I what can I do for you?

SPEAKER_01 16:15

The name's Connor Smouse. It's like mouse but with an S in front of it. I am a refined detective from far away.

SPEAKER_08 16:21

Wow. Well, you you look like a mouse and I could put an S in front of it if you want.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Yes, I have women all across the world after me. Take a number, Toots.

SPEAKER_08 16:33

Well, if you'd like to be able to go on a world tour without ever leaving town, give me a ring.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Can we stop talking about this? Immediately. What kind of discount could a gentleman such as myself get here? Okay, we can talk about this.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Oh. Oh my god, that was so good.

SPEAKER_08 16:49

Alright, um. Can you rule can you roll a will save actually, please? I got an eleven. You got an eleven. That is a fail. She's like, well, I'll tell you what, when it comes to pips, I'm no uh I'm no uh cheapskate, you hear?

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yeah, that's alright. I'm not asking I'm not a cheapskate myself.

SPEAKER_08 17:08

I'm asking for for a for a pretty penny. I gotta be able to fuel my hobby of hologram creation.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Alright, alright. Well, let me look around and I'll come back and I'll talk to you, toots.

SPEAKER_08 17:18

Alright, yeah, let's please do.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Um you mind if I ask you a question? Yeah, of course, dear. What can I do? For you. Um, yeah, I I um I'm kind of familiar with with Headard, you know, the guy. Oh, Head? Yeah. Yeah, I fe I figured you knew him. Can you tell me a little bit about your relationship and its history?

SPEAKER_08 17:40

Oh, you know. Let me get a cigarette. Hang on. She walks behind the counter. She she pulls out literally like an actual like human-sized pack of Marlboro Reds, dude. Rips that bitch out, uses a human-sized lighter, and literally leaning back and does a drag of half the goddamn cigarette and breathes out the whole story filled with smoke.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

She can throw them back with the rest of them.

SPEAKER_08 18:08

Back in my heyday, back when I was uh slinging shell, as they say, I was worse.

SPEAKER_03 18:13

Respect, Grandma.

SPEAKER_08 18:14

Oh, lazy, yeah. I was, you know, back when my shell kept a little wetter, I uh I met a lot of men and I broke a lot of hearts, but nobody could tie me down until I met old old Jack the Green Gecko. My my sweet husband of 20 years. 20 critter years, not human years. Don't get that mixed up.

SPEAKER_06 18:40

With a much bigger dick than Connor's mouse.

SPEAKER_08 18:43

Oh, you know, the big ones hurt.

SPEAKER_06 18:48

But his was perfect.

SPEAKER_08 18:49

You know, I called his dick Goldilocks, the way it was just right.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Yeah, you're talking about Jack the Green the Green Gecko.

SPEAKER_08 18:57

Yeah, Jack the Green gecko. He's upstairs sleeping right now.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Yeah, but what about Head?

SPEAKER_08 19:02

Headard, oh yeah, just listen, a name on the list, you hear?

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Oh, I see. A name on the Okay, I gotcha.

SPEAKER_08 19:09

Anyways, what do you guys what do you guys need? I am technically not open, so if you guys don't want to spend money, like afraid you gotta scoot.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

Alright, uh, right, sorry. Uh, do you have any fire resistance potions or heat resistance, I should say.

SPEAKER_08 19:21

Oh, heat resistance, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Uh that would be uh aisle six, uh shelf nine, just out of that away. Aisle six, shelf nine, huh? Yep.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

They would run and go grab that real quick.

SPEAKER_08 19:35

Uh you walk in front of the shelf, and as it normally does, a hologram appears above you, and it's it's a hologram of of Allie, and she goes, It sure is hot, but man, does this stuff help? Uh if you need to keep it cool, keep on spending that money. You hear? 20 pips for every one minute of extreme heat resistance. It's expensive, I know, but like, you know, you don't cross a a desert in in a day.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Moving on! Then she disappears. Okay, uh, let's see. I have 112, so I'm thinking maybe three minutes, I wanna say.

SPEAKER_08 20:11

Okay, so that would be 60 pips. I guess I'll just take one of those then. So you take this potion. It is a orange with red bubbles, and you walk up to the counter. She climbs up on her little stool and she stretches and finishes off her sig.

SPEAKER_03 20:24

Hi, granny, can I get on that list next, please?

unknown 20:28

Ow.

SPEAKER_08 20:29

It's been a minute since I've sailed the high seas. I I got all that time in the world, lash. Well, I'm about that booty.

SPEAKER_03 20:38

We got other things we gotta rush to, but I'll rush right back to you whenever I can.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Decent game, why?

SPEAKER_08 20:47

Okay. You pay her 60 pips. Took it out of my thing. She hands you you get the potion. Thank you. Jack, Jack, you approach uh you approach the lizard uh grandson and he like looks at you and like waves his floppy his floppy spikes out of the way of his eye, and he's like, hey yeah, what's up, dude?

SPEAKER_04 21:04

What's up, man? So listen. Oh um, how I I know I kind of look like a scrawny lizard. Yeah, you do. My normal excuse you, but my normal um my n I see I can say it, but you can't say it. Alright. My my normal body type is this, like, you know, scrawny type type shit, but I'm trying to work on it. So while I'm here, okay, I I was wondering if maybe long story short, can I have your workout register?

SPEAKER_08 21:33

Yeah, right. Uh so I have a course actually. Oh my god. He pulls out his Rocky talkie. Yeah, so I have like this course you can do you have a Rocky talkie.

SPEAKER_04 21:42

Yeah, uh I I don't because I I slept for the last like four days. All my friends do though.

SPEAKER_08 21:47

Okay, yeah, let me just uh I'll write this down for you. And he takes out like a piece of stone and he starts chiseling on into the stone like just a little bit at a time. Yeah, so for you I would focus in on like uh hard drive. Drugs as it like steroids follow my workout routine and like uh grind, fuck bitches, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_04 22:07

You know, are you are you a look smacer?

SPEAKER_08 22:09

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Look at this stone over here. See that stone in the corner? Yeah, that's my face stone over there. So yeah, uh every morning I wake up, I'm doing 50 uh face stone smashes where I am genuinely absolutely wrecking the funnel front of my face into this fucking stone. You know, the first couple times, like it was pretty bad, but like, you know, like after after a little bit, like you just kind of start to develop like that, you know, kind of like you know, like we were meant to be punched in the face over and over again.

SPEAKER_04 22:37

I take I take the ball of paper that I was gonna write on and ball it up in my hands. So I I'm glad we had this conversation, man.

SPEAKER_08 22:47

Um are you Oh by the way, actually, hang on one second. Let me just he reaches into his pocket and I mean his the pocket of his loincloth, which is he reaches into his cock. Is in front of his dick.

unknown 22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 23:00

He pulls out he pulls out this like pamphlet and he's like, Oh yeah. So if you uh you ever want to come to like this uh the Church of Marcos, like you should go.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_08 23:10

Say that I sent you because uh genuinely like they will I there's a greater chance that I'll get ascended and uh go to heaven.

SPEAKER_04 23:16

So type shit, type shit game. Also, you should like get mental health help, buddy.

SPEAKER_08 23:24

What is that?

SPEAKER_04 23:25

So it's this thing where you talk to someone and you tell them about like what you're going through that has made you a drugged up, roided up time bomb of emotion.

SPEAKER_08 23:36

Uh dude, I call that being him.

unknown 23:39

Yes. Oh.

SPEAKER_08 23:40

So you so basically I'm already actually doing mental health. I'm telling everybody that I'm him, actually, dude.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Right.

SPEAKER_08 23:48

Yeah, right on, dude. Right on mental health. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:51

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_08 23:53

See ya. Uh, yeah, bye, dude. Bye, dude. Bye. Bye. Are you guys heading straight back out?

SPEAKER_02 24:01

Right back to Headard, yep.

SPEAKER_08 24:02

Okay. You guys go to Headard. Headard's like, did she uh did she say anything about about and you know what? It's it's not it's not important. Uh everybody uh in the blanket. I headed, you dog.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Yeah, I asked her headered, but she didn't divulge too many details.

SPEAKER_08 24:18

Oh, that's probably for the standard. It doesn't, it I mean, it's it's been a long time, it's been a long time. I mean, we were both, you know, we were both young. Okay, so you guys go out and get in the blanket. Uh Headard screws you guys up, and you fly uh over towards the palace. You guys land and Heather lets you out of the blanket in an alleyway. In this area, it's a little bit more fancy. There's a ton of birch trees through this whole area. Each one is laden with golden detail and extravagant design. Every luxury your mind can imagine and more is here. The riches of all of Pine Hill and the Kingdom of Appledale is before you. At the center of this network of birch trees is the grandest of all, an unnaturally sized birch tree that is the King's Palace. On the front side of it, between the two biggest roots is a natural half circle. You currently see four wooden golems and three guards guarding this. The street is currently quiet yet, with it still being pretty early in the morning. What would you guys like to do?

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Roz recalls a memory of when they were when her and the gang were making a plan.

SPEAKER_08 25:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

And uh goes to talk to Heather.

SPEAKER_08 25:30

Hey, what's up?

SPEAKER_00 25:31

Hey, uh just I don't know. Crazy maybe a crazy ask, just offhand. Do you think that you would be able to part with your King's Crest for a little bit?

SPEAKER_08 25:44

Could you give me a uh uh a will say please?

SPEAKER_00 25:48

I got a seven.

SPEAKER_08 25:50

I need you to understand.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_08 25:52

He kind of pulls it off of his belt. It is a the a golden symbol of a fox on like what appears to be a coin, and there's some very small runes along the outside of it. He goes, I need you to understand that losing this means I don't get this anymore.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Well, obviously.

SPEAKER_08 26:09

Yeah, thanks, Connor. That's how losing things works, Jackass. You guys. If you take this, you cannot lose it. Or I am royally fucked.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

Headard, as long as I have it, I will protect it with my life.

SPEAKER_08 26:21

Is there anything else I can do to help here?

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Uh yeah, I think I think we have a plan um as to what we're gonna do. Yeah, let me hear it. Yeah, CJ. I uh can you help me out?

SPEAKER_03 26:34

I can't last hang on. I gotta pull it up because I can't fucking remember. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

I know we wrote it down somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

I just need to put up the Discord. Uh is there anybody around? I really don't want to have to do this with the pirate voice.

SPEAKER_08 26:47

Everybody make a uh a will save, please. You just have to beat a 17. Okay. I got a six.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

I beat a 17. Gonna get a 16.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

I got a 14, actually. It fell on the floor, but I'm still able to read.

SPEAKER_08 27:00

Anyone who beat a 17, this is uh what you see just almost far enough away that it's out of view. Also a terrible stealth save, just like last time you saw. Oh my god, not again three three crickets in a trench coat. Son of a bitch. Uh is watching from a distance. Seeing that you guys have seen him, he slowly walks away into the distance.

SPEAKER_03 27:22

Uh Heather, I don't know if you saw that. Did you see that? There was a there was a three crickets in a trench coat for some reason.

SPEAKER_08 27:29

I did not see Jack shit, but uh yeah. Um he rolled a natural twin. Three crickets. I don't think that crickets would know how to do that, but you're very surprised.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

You would be very unfortunately surprised.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

I'm sorry. Listen, off the out of character, three crickets in a trench coat getting like bad rolls every time, which maybe one of my favorite things ever. That is so funny to me when he's like just standing and looking at us, like, bro, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_08 28:00

Every time I roll and I think you'll be fine this time. What are the chances of two bad rolls in a row? And then it just works. Right. Uh what do you uh need from me?

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Doesn't seem anybody's around, so alright, good, because it's a pain off my throat. So what we're thinking is, is I'm gonna fly up using my armor to go up into the um the chimney. And we bought this f uh heat resistance potion so I could, you know, safely get down and through that, so I could potentially get into the uh war room. However, we need the your king's crest in order to turn off the uh to open to open the door through the war room, probably. Yes, that is correct. So I can get into the war room and find the secret uh find the password so we can get into the king's room. You wouldn't happen to know the king's password, would you?

SPEAKER_08 28:49

No. I mean, there's a chance, I guess, that it could be kept like on his part of the desk or something in the war room, but I would not know it, no.

SPEAKER_00 28:56

Do they change it often, Heather?

SPEAKER_08 28:58

I again I have no clue if it's been changed. I never knew to begin with, so. Ah, damn. Alright, it was worth a shot. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Uh so yeah. Once we make it into the war room and we leave, right? We need you to call it a meeting with the king. In the war room.

SPEAKER_08 29:14

With the king. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

In the war room. In the war room. Okay. Because then after that, we're gonna go to his room.

SPEAKER_08 29:20

Okay, so you you're gonna have him leave his room to come into the war room with me.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

After we leave the war room.

SPEAKER_08 29:27

After you guys leave. So I'm gonna need a Rocky talkie to be able to talk to you guys if that's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 29:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_08 29:32

But then, so you're gonna go into the king's chamber, and I don't know what exactly the map says about that. I've never been. And then what exactly is the goal beyond that?

SPEAKER_03 29:41

Uh, and then we gotta sneak back over to the secret room, uh, break into there, and get the possible trinket tracker and any possible dirt that we can find on him, so we might be able to get him out of you know, get him out of power and hopefully get some better rulers up in here.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

And all the all the the the the key to the secret room where the trinket tracker's being held.

SPEAKER_08 30:02

Uh, okay, a few things. Uh, you guys do not need to try to install a new leader or anything. That's I don't know how that would go. But like, you know. Uh also I have genuinely what is this secret room? Does it say anything about a secret room? It does.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

Perhaps.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Now, what it says specifically is just there is a secret room and that there's potentially something in there that we can use to track our trinkets.

SPEAKER_08 30:27

Right, and it's can I see that map to see where that secret room is? Sure. Uh I don't know who has it at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 30:34

Got the map? Does Jack tell him?

SPEAKER_01 30:36

Hmm. I think there's one man who has a map. It's his name Connor. Not this time.

SPEAKER_04 30:42

His name is Jack. Here you go. Here's the map. Why does it smell like that? I it's been places you will never imagine, son.

SPEAKER_08 30:53

That is disgusting. Okay. That is uh does anyone have any uh hand sanitizer? You guys have that here?

SPEAKER_04 31:02

Don't worry about that. It's clean, brother. Clean.

SPEAKER_08 31:06

Uh okay, so he looks at over and he's like, yeah, I guess that I've never been in that room. Uh uh, but yeah, I mean I've never seen anybody enter through there.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

So that's terrifying.

SPEAKER_08 31:18

Enter or exit. And it's super weird. I just never even thought about it, I guess. I thought it was like a closet or something. But okay, so you're gonna fly up through the chimney by yourself. I was gonna bring Jeremy. Jeremy, come here. Huh? Wait, what do you mean? What do you what what do you mean you're gonna bring Jeremy? What is what is Jeremy gonna do in there?

SPEAKER_03 31:36

No, don't no Jeremy, don't worry. I'm not bringing you because you got your armor and I don't want to risk you getting in trouble. No, no, no, no. I need that uh I need that spell tablet you got on you.

SPEAKER_08 31:44

Oh yeah, you know that's that's way easier for me. I prefer that a lot.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Here. I would hope so. Thank you. Uh so I take the spell tablet.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

And uh we're also gonna need Gail if you would be so kind to oblige Gail.

SPEAKER_06 31:57

Of course.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

So I understand that you can be invisible for a little bit.

SPEAKER_06 32:01

Mm-hmm. Ten minutes.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

So with our with our plan, we were thinking that you would go in with the food shipment, like ASAP, because the food shipment's happening very soon or right now. Um, and then you find locks of the kings for to disable all of the alarms. Like uh in the ballroom. You would have to look around for it. I don't know how well kept he is, but we're really riding on a lot of chance there too with that. But I figured maybe you would be the the girl for the job.

SPEAKER_06 32:29

I can definitely go invisible. I can't attest to my cracking skills, but I can do my best.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

Okay. Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

I believe in you, Gail.

SPEAKER_06 32:38

Thanks.

SPEAKER_08 32:40

Well, it seems we have a semblance of a plan. Uh, what is everybody else gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 32:45

I think Jack and I were gonna stay and try to create a diversion to kind of attract all of the the guards on the outside.

SPEAKER_08 32:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Um, and then now that I have the King's Crest though, uh Dan, I'm gonna have to trust you with the King's Crest.

SPEAKER_03 33:00

I uh Connor, uh Stashaka, you're too mind coming over here real quick. I mean to talk to you. Of course, my good friend. Okay. I listen, so I'm gonna need a little help with this. Anything. Do you think you can come with me? Uh we'll disguise yours, just things I can hold in my pocket, and you can sneak in with me. Just in case things get a little dicey and we can fuck some shit up. You can you can blow some shit up, Samuel uh Connor.

SPEAKER_01 33:23

You want me to go in your pocket?

SPEAKER_03 33:26

I I do.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

You want me just rustle about in your pocket until you need to.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

Listen, you can go in the prison pocket if you really want to.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Jackle me down, I'm in. This sounds like a case for a conex mouse. Stessica, everything I do is for the mission. I just want you to know that.

SPEAKER_08 33:47

Okay, well, I mean, it seems like we have a decent plan here. Uh so Jeremy, Jack, and Roz, you guys are gonna make a distraction for the guards, and Gail is gonna go find a lock of the king's fur in the ballroom, and then use that to get past the king's traps to get into his room when you guys all meet up there. I guess I'll be there and we'll be there. Okay. Okay. Yes. This sounds like a plan.

SPEAKER_04 34:14

I do have an idea for our distraction though, gang.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Yeah, we're gonna need it.

SPEAKER_04 34:18

Yeah. I go out completely dressed in homeless man garb. Already to a great start. They're gonna say naked. I didn't do it. And then and then I go out going, oop, I didn't know. You know, and then we can do it for like I sing the entire song with lyrics right now, whenever we do the distraction lyrics. And then I sing the entire song to distract them. And then when they come and they're like, hey, who the fuck are you? Then I go, You're my buddy, and then I have him vouch for me. And then everybody kind of calms out.

SPEAKER_08 34:59

That is a decent, pretty good plan. Also, I have Winston on my Rocky Talkie. If you guys need a signal, call me and I'll call Winston in, and he can do a run by really fast that normally draws a lot of eyes when he's moving that fast through town. So it'd be a good distraction if you need just a second, but he's probably fine wherever he is. I told him to go sit and read his book. He's not the greatest at stealth.

SPEAKER_04 35:25

So and also, is there anything around that I can grab to make a makeshift homeless man outfit for our distraction?

SPEAKER_08 35:32

Uh I mean, we're in an alleyway, uh, and he turns around, he's like, there's like a couple garbage cans over there.

SPEAKER_04 35:38

I grab a blanket, I grab some loose hair. Some loose hair? Hey, whatever you gotta do for it, man. So I grab I grab my stuff, I make myself into a homeless man. Can I roll for quality of homeless man outfits?

SPEAKER_08 35:52

You know, please do.

SPEAKER_04 35:54

I rolled a seven. What what does that look like?

SPEAKER_08 35:57

Okay, so the difficulty to be able to see through your disguise and recognize you is a seven.

SPEAKER_03 36:01

Okay. Alright, Jack, could you make us a feast real quick too, please? Oh yeah, that's true. To help us on our rolls so we don't fucking die or I lose my other foot.

SPEAKER_04 36:11

We'll do.

SPEAKER_08 36:11

We'll do.

SPEAKER_03 36:12

Feast!

SPEAKER_08 36:13

Okay. So you guys partake of the feast. You all gain a d4 of temporary health, so you can each roll a d4 and add that to your current health, and you each get a a d4 to add or subtract from any roll that you desire in the next 24 hours. So headard goes, well, looks like we should get started. I feel like the first order is for Dan to use the spell and turn Samuel and Stessica into little items to put in his pocket. Alright, what would you do like topping? And then Jeremy's like, uh, maybe I should actually use the spell just in case, you know, like in case the spell like bites back and hurts you. I feel like you don't need that right now. Okay. Fine. Yeah, uh, what do you what do you guys want to be turned into? Oh, I I feel like just like a pen is fine. What about you, Sam?

SPEAKER_01 37:08

He can be the cap. You could turn me into a ring.

SPEAKER_08 37:11

Wow. A ring? Or the moving fast over here. Jeremy's like, alright, I'm not gonna touch that. Alright. He starts casting the spell and uh he uses the slide, he doesn't do any harm to himself. He casts the spell. You guys both turn into items. Uh Dan, you can scoop them up into your pocket if you'd like. I would do exactly that. I'd grab them both, put them in the same pocket.

SPEAKER_00 37:30

They should have been a lock and key.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Oh, it should have. That would have been good. I'm really glad you spoke up, Kathy.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

I purposefully kept it to myself.

SPEAKER_08 37:38

Dan, would you uh you go ahead and activate your armor of flight and you fly on up to the top of this tree? Uh, right around the time you make it all the way up there, you are running out of charge. So you it's a really big tree. It takes you almost a whole minute to fly up there. Can you roll a deck save to not be seen?

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Fuck, okay. What's my deck's 13, I believe? Alright. I'm about to quit. I rolled a 20. You rolled a 20? I'm so mad.

SPEAKER_00 38:06

John, are you gonna take a drink when we get Nat 20s?

SPEAKER_08 38:09

I'm gonna take a drink because of what this is doing. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have some Jack Daniels, and I'm gonna be taking a shot for every crit, whether crit success or crit fail. Cheers. Cheers.

SPEAKER_06 38:22

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a blueberry pomegranate brisket's tea. I will be drinking it whenever I please.

SPEAKER_08 38:28

Oh yeah. With a natural 20. Dan, uh, one of the guards looks up and sees you. He uh is gonna probably start reaching for his Rocky Talkie. Does anyone want to do anything?

SPEAKER_00 38:41

Ross is gonna pick up a rock and chuck it at the guard.

SPEAKER_08 38:43

Okay, cool. Go ahead and uh uh I would say roll a deck save for the aim.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Okay, I got an 18.

SPEAKER_08 38:51

Okay, so you miss, so you do, I mean, they do kind of like look and check, but now they've seen you standing at the edge of this alleyway. Uh Header goes, fuck. And he starts like walking kind of fast, but like trying to be quiet, and he's like, just call me when you need me.

SPEAKER_04 39:05

Okay. I I pop out. Homeless man attire. Okay. Oh baby, baby. Hold on. Would y'all like me to sing the entire lyrics? I have the sing a beat. Three miniguns sing a beat of it.

SPEAKER_08 39:22

I think we got the idea. Oh, baby, baby. Would you uh hang on, I'm gonna roll to see uh Raz. I'm guessing you did not want to be seen, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:30

No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_08 39:30

Okay, so would you go ahead and roll a deck save, please, to be be hidden, and we'll see if Candon's appearance out of the alleyway will continue. I got a two! You got a two, okay, great. Candon, would you go ahead and uh roll an advantaged will save, please, for this distraction. And A is the lowest. So they see you and they do not chase you. They do you do have their attention. What would you like to do with that? I mean, they're not gonna chase you immediately, so you can't like run off or anything, but like they do have your attention.

SPEAKER_04 40:01

They're like, hey, you! You drew a rock at us? I continue my dance. Right? Like something wasn't right, yeah. And then I continue, and then how many people can my you're my buddy affect?

SPEAKER_08 40:14

So if you upcast it, meaning if you use multiple casts, you could affect uh all three guards that are present here. Let me do that. Uh go ahead and roll three d6 and tell me each one individually. Six, one, and five. So that's two uses of your spell. You get to keep two yet. They're going to all make saves to see if they can beat a nine. Uh alright, so two of them are convinced you are their best friend. One of them is not so convinced. Could you go ahead and roll me a d6, please? And that's gonna do damage to your will stat. Let me know what you get.

SPEAKER_04 40:47

Okay. One.

SPEAKER_08 40:49

So you take one damage to your will. Uh so two of them are like, oh dude, it's homeless Bob, dude. Nah, he's fine, dude. He's chill. And the one guy's like, what are you talking about? What did you do? What did you do to my friends? Now hold on, brother. Hold on. Wooden golems, get this man! Uh, Gail?

SPEAKER_06 41:06

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_08 41:07

If there was ever a moment where you're gonna have the maximum amount of distraction to be able to sneak in, it might be now, but it's up to you.

SPEAKER_06 41:14

I'm going in.

SPEAKER_08 41:16

Okay. Are you using invisibility right off the bat? I would I would rather get closer before I do that. So if you run out, you're gonna need to make a deck safe to be able to not be seen. Let's bring out the rogue dice. It didn't help me. 15. 15. Okay, so you step out of the alleyway and you're pretty much immediately spotted. Oh, do you know, do you know homeless Bob? Are you with him? And then the other guard's like, you! Just both of you get on your knees, and he's gonna go for his Rocky Talkie to try to uh call for help out front.

SPEAKER_06 41:45

Uh I'm gonna like I'm gonna go. Who's that? Okay, give me a will save, please.

SPEAKER_08 41:53

Nine. Okay, so they all go, huh? They all look away. Invisibility. Okay, cool. Are you using your armor or the tablet?

SPEAKER_06 42:02

The tablet. Let's do the tablet.

SPEAKER_08 42:03

Okay, go ahead and roll a d6. Oh, six. Go ahead and roll a d6, please. Is six still bad? Yeah. Okay, so I got one of those. Okay, so you cast the spell and it gives you a splitting headache. The magic bites back, but you do turn invisible. So you are invisible for one hour off the tablet. So you have a lot of time on this thing. The the guards all look back and they see you're not there, and they're like, oh my gosh, man. Hang on. What Jack, what are you doing now?

SPEAKER_04 42:34

I'm seductively touching the side of the head of the man that doesn't believe me.

SPEAKER_05 42:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_08 42:40

All of the wooden golems are controlled by Headard lightly, so he can focus to try to control them. So uh I'm gonna say that Headard is kind of aware of what's going on. He's gonna use his uh influence over them to kind of make it so that they pretend to lunge at you, but you can get past them. You make it up to this guard, right? Uh are you what are you trying to do? You're just trying to caress his head to convince him that you're a f a friend?

SPEAKER_04 43:06

Hold on, lock lock in, John. I need your impressions here right now. Okay. Hey, buddy, listen. Stay back. He's holding his spear out to you. You know me. I'm homeless Bob. I'm homeless Bob. We've been through so much together, man. Do you not remember the summer of 09?

SPEAKER_08 43:24

Okay, if you're trying to gaslight him, give me a disadvantaged will safe because imagine you're a guard. Wait, actually, just a straight roll because both of his friends are like, dude, it's homeless Bob. You know homeless Bob. He's just pranking us. What do I roll? What do I roll? Come on. Roll just one D20 and tell me what you get. Two. I don't remember you. Bob. I don't.

SPEAKER_04 43:50

It's alright, baby. It's alright. Bob. We'll all wall this road together.

SPEAKER_07 43:54

Bob, what's happening, Bob? I'm scared.

SPEAKER_04 43:56

It's okay we'll roll this road together.

SPEAKER_07 43:58

Everybody else knows you're Bob, man. But I don't know. When I hit my head last year, do you think I forgot you?

SPEAKER_04 44:04

Hey man, maybe you would know me by this, and I plant a large kiss on this man. Whoa.

SPEAKER_07 44:14

I hit my head. I hit my head with that riot last year. I must have forgot you, Bob. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 44:20

It's all good, man. It's all good. Listen, it it water under the bridge.

SPEAKER_08 44:24

Okay, Gail. Uh, what are you trying to do now that you're invisible? You're trying to make it to the door?

SPEAKER_06 44:28

You know it.

SPEAKER_08 44:29

I'm gonna say the guard's pretty distracted. They were about halfway through kind of carrying crates inside. I would say, like, the door is kind of partially open. So you uh go ahead and you move forward inside. You make it into the grand entrance. What you see is a large square room, uh beautiful wooden architecture through the whole thing, carvings in the walls, just depicting the history of Appledale. Uh, in front of you is a big double door uh currently open to the ballroom. There is also two spiral staircases curving up alongside the wall. Actually, you know what it is? It's the ballroom from the theater scene. It's the theater from Inglorious Bastards. It's the it's that with the two you know what I'm talking about? Locked. And then it moves into the next room. That's what it is. Understood. So, and then there's a door to the bathroom on the left and a door to the bathroom on the right.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

Are they are they marked like the bathrooms? Are they marked with critter signs? Like, are you trying to ask?

SPEAKER_08 45:27

I mean, you're not there, so you you you can't you can't ask that.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

No, I'm just asking.

SPEAKER_08 45:32

Gail would have to look.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

This is this is me, Catherine, asking you, John.

SPEAKER_08 45:38

This is me, John, telling you you don't know. Okay. Alright, so Gail, uh, uh, Isaiah, can you see my screen? Isaiah? He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Alright, well, Isaiah is frozen in time, uh, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and catch back up with Dan. Dan, you've just made it to the top. You've heard a lot of commotion going down beneath you. Uh, okay, you're at the top of the chimney. Smoke is coming out uh in front of you. What would you like to do?

SPEAKER_03 46:05

Uh is there anywhere for me to land for a second?

SPEAKER_08 46:07

Just There's like uh a thin ledge around the whole outside of the top of the tree, the furnace. So you stand on that ledge pretty easily.

SPEAKER_03 46:14

Alright, so Dan would like to grab the potion, swig that bitch down. Are the other two gonna burn? Do I need to worry about them? That's a good question. Fuck. Uh it's very worrisome. Is there anywhere I can stuff the- That sounds so bad.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

Is there anywhere I can put the I guess we'll have to go in your pants.

SPEAKER_03 46:34

Listen, Connor, I don't want to have to do that, but why there's a boss of billing.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

You're forced. They're twisting your arm.

SPEAKER_08 46:40

You have no choice. Dan, just put us in your mouth or something. Alright.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

What? Put us in your mouth is great.

SPEAKER_08 46:46

Which one, baby girl?

SPEAKER_00 46:47

No, put us both in your mouth at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 46:50

Okay. Dan, can you fit a six-inch piece of rod in your mouth?

SPEAKER_03 46:54

Listen, I got a lot of bacon over here. I can fit a lot of things in here. Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

Let them cook.

unknown 47:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 47:04

Uh, so yeah, I would I would drink the entire potion and then grab Stessica and Samuel out of my pocket and just be like, I'm so sorry, and put them in my mouth. Alright, cool. They're inside your mouth. Fall back or like turn around, take a short breath just through my nostrils, and then just fall back and let it take me. Cool. You like fall- you spider-verse it? Spider-verse it, dude. One all it takes is one leap.

SPEAKER_08 47:29

Just arms out, fall. Okay. You are falling, and as your armor uh allows, you do not take fall damage. You have the feather fall condition while wearing this armor, so you fall, and as you start hitting a speed that would start to cause harm, you start to slow. And you descend slowly. You're back to where you're headed, so you don't really know where you're going, and you feel the heat pick up and pick up and pick up, and as soon as it gets to a point where it's like, this is hurting, you see this orange shield appear around you. Uh, and you see the the potion kick in and start defending you from the damage of the heat.

SPEAKER_03 48:03

Then we just kind of look at himself and think to himself, like, oh mean, okay.

SPEAKER_08 48:06

Are you gonna turn around to try to see where you're going, or are you just gonna free-fall backwards the whole way?

SPEAKER_03 48:11

No, he's gonna turn around to see where he's going.

SPEAKER_08 48:13

Okay, so you turn around and you see uh at the center of the very, very bottom, smoldering coals all along the bottom, and then just above that you see a metal railway.

SPEAKER_03 48:25

So once Dan would reach the the bottom or whatever, he would make his way to that and check to see if it's the the great thing that he needs to get into, the vent.

SPEAKER_08 48:34

You see that uh just below you, just a like a tiny bit, like not even five feet hardly, like pretty much just below and along the north wall of this furnace is a like a vent covering. So how would you like to try to get this vent off?

SPEAKER_03 48:50

Are there any like screws or anything I can maybe unscrew?

SPEAKER_08 48:54

Yes, there are.

SPEAKER_03 48:54

Okay, could I use my dagger to try and like unscrew it with like the the tip of it or not?

SPEAKER_08 48:59

Yeah, absolutely. Would you give me a deck save to try to uh reach down and unscrew these? I rolled a four. Okay, great. Yeah, you have no issue with uh unscrewing the vents. Uh what what are you doing with it? Are you just gonna set it up on the on the walkway? Are you gonna just put it inside the vent? Like, what's the plan?

SPEAKER_03 49:17

Uh kind of just like get in and then behind me just kind of place it back where it was.

SPEAKER_08 49:22

Okay, yep. Uh with your armor giving you feather fall, I feel like you don't have a huge issue getting into the vent from on top of the uh walkway. So you get into the vent and it's a little bit tight, but not bad. So you crawl the equivalent of 65 feet. So you're kind of like winded for a second after all that crawling, but um the heat has dissipated enough that you couldn't 100% uh not have those uh trinkets in your mouth anymore.

SPEAKER_03 49:46

Okay, so I I take them out and put them in my pocket. Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_08 49:50

You put them back in your pocket. Uh below you is a little drop-off and a vent at the ceiling of what you can only assume is the war room based on the schematics in the map you've seen.

SPEAKER_03 50:00

So below you is the war room. Okay. Uh can I look in can I inspect the war room to see if I can see anybody like walking around or anything in there?

SPEAKER_08 50:08

Uh you look down in there, there's like one light on that's barely kind of keeping the area lit, but most of the lights are off, so you can probably assume nobody's in there.

SPEAKER_03 50:15

Okay, so I do the same thing, unscrew the vent and uh jump my way in.

SPEAKER_08 50:20

Okay, go ahead and make a deck save to unscrew the vent from the top and not let the vent just fall in. Six. Okay, yeah, another success. So you unscrew the vent and you manage to not let it fall in. What are you doing with the vent after it's unscrewed?

SPEAKER_03 50:36

I guess just placing it next to me, like in the vent.

SPEAKER_08 50:38

Okay. You are gonna place it inside the vent. So you drop down, uh, and what you see is a square room that looks alarmingly like an average conference room of like an office building almost, but a little bit more medieval. It is within a tree, so it's everything is pretty much wood. There's an enormous uh rectangular table at the center. Along the right wall, there's a bunch of maps of the overall war. Uh, and on the table that you've landed on, there is a uh Helldivers 2 adjacent galaxy map uh that looks like like basically a war ver like just uh just showing the different fronts that the uh Kingdom of Appledale is fighting the forces of Morgoth on.

SPEAKER_03 51:20

Oh god. They got their hands full over here. Okay. Um so I hop down off the table and just kind of look around to see if I can find Fuck alright. What was I looking for in here again? The password?

SPEAKER_08 51:31

So in this room, yeah, you're looking for the passcode into the king's into the king's quarters. Yeah. I'm looking around for that. Go ahead and make a will say for me, please. With advantage, because I feel like you can take a little bit of your time to do this.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

Okay, I am so glad you said give me an advantage because I just rolled an 18. Holy shit. Damn. And a five.

SPEAKER_08 51:50

Oh, thank the dice gods. Okay, you notice that every chair at this table is the same size except one is really big and it's sitting at the head of the table towards the north side of the room. I could probably guess who this is.

SPEAKER_03 52:03

Okay. Uh so you you try and kind of check around like that area to see what it can find.

SPEAKER_08 52:09

So you see uh to controls for the map on the table showing the different fronts of the war. You also see a drawer in front of you. I would like to open the drawer. Okay. You open the drawer. Would you go ahead and give me a will save uh to investigate through the drawer and see if you can find this number?

SPEAKER_03 52:30

Oh, for fuck's sake, 17. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Can I use the can I use the roll that I the extra roll that I got from Jack's feast?

SPEAKER_00 52:39

You could also use a luck, maybe, right?

SPEAKER_08 52:42

So the way I'm doing luck right now is you can use a luck to succeed a roll instead of fail a roll. Okay, it's no longer just using a certain amount of points to be able to pay it. So if you'd like to just spend one luck to be able to pass this roll instead of fail it, you can 100% do that. Can we use Jeremy's? No, you cannot use Jeremy's. Yeah, damn it. I want to use him.

SPEAKER_03 53:04

Uh okay. Sure, I'll use a I'll use a luck roll to um to pass it so I can find this damn thing.

SPEAKER_08 53:09

Okay. Looking through this drawer, you find a code that is the number 3400. Are you gonna take it with you or are you gonna remember it? Because if you are gonna remember it, I'm not gonna tell you it again. Okay?

SPEAKER_03 53:22

I'm going to remember it. Write it down, D. Oh, uh, yeah, I got an idea. I'm gonna whisper to Stessica and Samuel in my pocket. Okay. Okay. Hey, I need you two to remember this number. 3400. 3400.

SPEAKER_01 53:35

Yeah, I'm gonna leave it to Stessica. She's got this one. I think I got it.

SPEAKER_03 53:38

I think you got it. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 53:39

What if he said 00340 though? Don't follow me on the stake on zero too.

SPEAKER_08 53:45

Okay. Up next, I would like to go back outside to the distraction team. So that's gonna be Roz, Jack, and Jeremy. And in the alleyway, uh, Jeremy is like, okay, what do we do, Roz? Like, do we go out there now? Do you think we should go out there and distract them?

SPEAKER_00 54:03

Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 54:04

I think Jack's doing a good job, right, right now. Yeah, but like he's not getting any guards from inside to come outside. Was that part of the plan, or is that not part of the plan?

SPEAKER_00 54:12

I don't I don't really know. We were just supposed to create a diversion.

SPEAKER_08 54:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 54:17

We definitely could. Jeremy, what spells do you know?

SPEAKER_08 54:19

I know spectral sword and smite. I'm pretty much a damage only build.

SPEAKER_00 54:23

Okay. That's good though. Um Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty much useless in terms of that. Um, you know what we could do? You know what we could do? What is um I mean Jack has these outside ones distracted, right? Okay. I say we go in. Oh. You do damage. Right. I have two spell tablets. I could probably do a little bit of damage. Yeah, we could fuck them up. Yeah, and I know counter spell, so I feel like I feel like we got that.

SPEAKER_08 54:51

Right. Okay. Okay. Let's do it, Rosh. Let's do it. All right. You and me, Jeremy. Let's like go back that way and then come around the side and see if we can maybe sneak in without being seen.

SPEAKER_00 55:00

Okay, sounds good.

SPEAKER_08 55:01

They all seem pretty caught up.

SPEAKER_00 55:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 55:03

Okay, so over by Jack, uh, you have this one guy, he's sobbing his eyes out.

SPEAKER_07 55:07

He's like, I can't remember. Tell me more about our friendship, Jack. Listen. What did I miss out on?

SPEAKER_04 55:15

Listen, man, you we we've had some great moments together. In fact. Oh god! Listen, listen, though, man, listen. You will always remain in my heart. And you are here still. It's me and you, man. It's just me and you.

SPEAKER_07 55:35

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You're right, you're right. You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not good. I'm not good.

SPEAKER_04 55:40

I'm not listening why don't why don't we all have a big old shindig? You introduce me to your new friends here at the here at this beautiful place.

SPEAKER_07 55:54

I don't know if I can leave my post, but you know You don't need a day off, man.

SPEAKER_04 55:58

I don't know, man. I don't know. You need to let loose. I'm telling you, man. I'm working right now, though. It's working right now. It's okay. It's okay. Listen, you need to let loose. From time to time, we need some chill time. So and but it's okay. We can we can we can party on the clock. On the clock?

SPEAKER_07 56:19

On the clock. We can't party on your clock.

SPEAKER_04 56:22

Not on my clock, obviously. Okay. I'm gonna be real with you.

SPEAKER_07 56:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 56:29

I just wanted to come and see y'all's beautiful faces today. Okay. You know my oops, I did it again. Standard greeting. That's that that's just me, man. No, that feels right. But don't be afraid, dude. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid, man. There's no need. And I know you got in that horrible accident. I did. And I I did. Yeah, but yeah, it's okay.

SPEAKER_07 56:55

It's okay though. You just hit her and you get it. Like the riot? I didn't think it was that bad. I just got a little bump. It's uh it's okay though, but I forgot my bum.

SPEAKER_04 57:06

No, you didn't. You didn't forget me, man. I was always in your heart.

SPEAKER_08 57:11

Okay. You always in your heart. In the background of this whole scene, uh Roz and Jeremy are are trying to sneak. Uh, and it would be an advantage, but it's not advantage for Jeremy because he is in armor. That makes it a disadvantage, so it's a straight roll. Go ahead and give an advantage roll. Dude. Shit.

SPEAKER_00 57:30

Oh my god. I got a 13-minute two.

SPEAKER_08 57:34

Okay, okay, so you guys manage to sneak past these three guards outside. The wooden goblins look at you, but Headard gives them the command to kind of leave you be. You guys move through that open door because the guard that was literally carrying them back and forth between is the one that was like not believing Jack. But then Jack talked him into it. Uh so you guys make it into this hall. Uh, but we're gonna cut back in time a little bit um to when Gail uh first made it through the uh entrance. So, Isaiah, are you back?

SPEAKER_06 58:05

Okay. So I know my objective is to get the fucking Kings first stuff. Right. So I need to make my way through that entrance, so I'm just gonna blast right through it.

SPEAKER_08 58:16

Uh, would you give me a um actually I'm gonna make them roll. They both fail to hear you as you pass through. Wonderful. So you are now in the ballroom. It's not quite as exciting as it would probably be during a party. It is a big open room. Uh at the center of the room there is a pillar, but the pillar is hollowed out, and within it is a currently closed bar. Up above that is a platform that has the king's party throne on it. Currently there are two locked doors, and the kitchen is currently open, uh, receiving receiving in the food for the deal. What would you like to do?

SPEAKER_06 58:54

And what's through directly through those guards? What room is that?

SPEAKER_08 58:57

So it is a locked door, but it's the entrance to the king's halls. Uh in the king's halls is the war room where Dan is currently at, the trapped hall, which you need the fur to pass through, and the king's room beyond that.

SPEAKER_06 59:09

Yeah, I'll radio in and back. Okay, guys, I've entered the ballroom. I'm looking at the path to the king's quarters, and I also have a clear access way to the furnace that I can jump down. What do you guys think is the best route?

SPEAKER_00 59:22

Shh, Dan knows more than me. Over.

SPEAKER_03 59:25

Alright, I don't have any fur over here in the war room, so you'll have to check uh check anywhere else unless you want to raw dog this shit and just fucking send it with the traps. Let me just investigate this ballroom real quick.

SPEAKER_06 59:36

Over. And John, I will proceed to do that.

SPEAKER_08 59:38

The areas that the king would be is up on level two, which I will now activate. There's a big circular pillar that's hollowed out uh on the first floor as a bar, and on the second floor it is hollowed out as a guarded area for the king. You make it up under the second floor. There are four branching walkways all intersecting at this king's chair uh in the center of the room. That is where he sits when he is uh enjoying a party. You walk up to that. Would you go ahead and give me a will save if you'd like to check his chair for fur? Oh a three. So you find uh a little tuft of what looks like white colored hair.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:19

Guys, this seems like a really big security risk that like just picking up some guys fur will get you in somewhere. Over.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:27

Yeah, not a good infrastructure plan.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:29

Over. Unless they have some sort of mystical way to keep fur on his body, which would kind of fucking suck. Over.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:36

Yeah, I maybe he's got a barber or something. I don't know. I couldn't get a hold of anyone when I was checking initially. Over.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:43

He's got like some gorilla glue that he mats his whole hair down so that nothing can escape over.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:50

Bro is sleek as fuck, dude.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:53

It must be something like that. Over.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:56

Um, okay, I'll I'll go down and then make my way into the servants' quarters.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:01

Uh, so there's two guards off to your left side as you're moving towards the servants' quarters. I'm gonna go ahead and roll for both of them to see if they can roll a natural one and hear something. One of them is sleeping. They both rolled really bad. One of them's sleeping, one of them is playing on his uh Rocky Talkie as you move into the kitchen. Nothing crazy going on. There's one cook in the kitchen. Um, he's dicing some vegetables. It smells good in there. Uh the oven is burning off to your right. There's a couple of tables in the center of the room, like islands that are about uh like standing height. Uh along the back left-hand wall, there is a what you could consider like a magical refrigerator. Uh, and then uh at the north side of this room or the top side on the left wall is a door to the servants' quarters, if you would like to head in that way. Or if you would like to move through the uh oven to try to get into the war room, then that is also okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:56

Servants' quarters. Gail, over, grab us a snack. I will do my best. Over.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:01

Uh okay. So moving into the servants' quarters, you see there's a bunch of bunk beds, and there is a bunch of purple robes in like a big tub of water with some soap in it off to the right side of the room.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:14

Oh, let's search that first and foremost.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:16

So I'm gonna go ahead and roll uh a couple times to see if any of these people who are chilling out hear anything. And it doesn't look like they do. So they're kind of chilling on their beds, taking a break. Some of them are sleeping. They're not exactly expecting anybody to be wanting to break in here, so you make it over by the tub full full of what you could assume is the king's clothing. And uh what are you searching for? Searching for some fur. Why did you ask me that question? What are you doing? What are you searching for?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:44

Gil can sniff, can't she? She can the fox king.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:49

I'll be searching for some fur. Go ahead and give me a willsay, please. Two! Oh my! So you pull out a clump of uh just some orange fur.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:57

Alright, I'll tuck it away.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:59

Okay, so you tuck the wet, dripping fur into your pocket. Yay. What's it smell like? You're gonna smell it. Okay. Uh it smells like oats and lavender.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:12

Oats and lavender? Bro, showering? That's annoying.

unknown 1:03:16

That's annoying.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:18

I was hoping you'd smell like shit.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:20

That's high-end shit is what I'm just gonna say. Can I look for another tuft of hair? Sure.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:27

Yeah, go ahead and roll another, we'll say, please. A four? What the hell? You find another tuft of hair, yeah. What's that one like? This one's a mix of white and orange. This one also smells like oat and lavender because the giant uh thing of water is filled with oat and lavender soap to clean the clothes of the king.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:48

They use soap?

SPEAKER_08 1:03:50

Yeah. The rats. They use rat soap made of oats and lavender. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:58

Let me check on that white fur tuff that I got from the king's little area in the ballroom. Smell wise.

SPEAKER_08 1:04:06

Okay, yeah, this one smells that one smells different. First scent you get is roses. The second scent you get is rotten flesh.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:15

Oh boy. So girl's gonna like gag a little bit and be like, ugh. What the hell? That's disgusting. Is there like bits of flesh on this thing or is it just straight fur? No, it's just straight fur. Oh, I'll radio in and say, I found some fur, but uh I have no reason to believe that any of this belongs to the king. Uh I'll continue investigating and I'll use this when the time comes to see if I got lucky, but I'm not sure. Over.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:43

Roz is gonna go on the rocket line and be like, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_06 1:04:48

Over. I literally could not have been more descriptive. Over.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:54

What do you mean you have no reason to believe it belongs to the king? Over.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:58

I don't know anything about what the king smells like over.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:01

Why are you going based off of smell over?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:04

Aye, couldn't you just look at what it looks like and go off that? How many Have you seen my nose over? I don't give a shit about your nose. He's orange. What other orange critters have we seen around here?

SPEAKER_06 1:05:14

Do we actually know that he's orange? Because we know he's a fox, but is he an orange fox?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:18

Yes, we've seen him before.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:19

Yes, we've seen him. Over. You have seen him before and he was orange when you saw him.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:23

Well, you know, I got I got some I got some orange tufts of hair, but uh, you know.

unknown 1:05:28

Shh.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:29

Take it to the take it to disarm the alarms. Just see what happens. Over.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:34

Do you think that putting the wrong for an exploit will trigger the alarms though? Over?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:39

Shh Only one way to tell. Over.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:43

Real quick, can I go to the kitchen and see if I can find us some snacks?

SPEAKER_08 1:05:46

Okay, yeah. You walk in, there's that single lonely cook dicing vegetables, and he's kind of scooping them into a pan. Uh, you also see some shelves with like some packaged goods on them.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:58

Let me take a look at those packaged goods. What do we got here?

SPEAKER_08 1:06:00

We got hostess. See uh a few like breakfast Danishes, but criticized. You see a few different kinds of baked goods. You see some bagels, some fish meat, and you see some mystery uh red meat.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:13

Okay, relaying that list of foods to the to the group of like which I want. Hi, Samuel.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:19

Stessica, do you guys want anything for you? No!

SPEAKER_00 1:06:21

I'm hungry. I'm so nervous.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:22

Are you just you were the least hungry I've ever been? Okay, Samuel, do you want anything? Oh, I'm sorry. Connor, would you like anything?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:28

Don't trust the red meat.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:30

Over. I would trust the red meat before I trusted the tuna.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:34

That's fair.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:35

That's entirely fair, actually. Connor wanted the red stuff, whatever that is. I'll take a Danish, please.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:42

And maybe some pink stuff too. Oh god!

SPEAKER_00 1:06:49

If they've got calzones, grab as many as you can. I haven't had one of those in a in a critter minute.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:57

Over. I haven't had them in a rat minute.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:59

Okay, wait. Let me check. Over. John, is there any calzones? There's not a calzone in sight.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:05

God damn it.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:06

Is there a calzone in smell?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:08

The DM hates me.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:10

There's not a calzone in smell, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:12

Not one calzone. He's tra he's chopping stuff. He can make a calzone.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:19

It's breakfast time. I don't think we're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:21

Isaiah, would you give me an advantage stealth safe to try to fit stuff in your pocket with this depressed cook in the kitchen shopping vegetables? Ten. Okay, so this cook looks up and he's like, you just see him look up at you after you pick up these items, and he's just staring in your direction. He does not like know someone is there, but he has heard some wrinkling bags, and he's like, Oh god. Hello? Hello, is anyone there?

SPEAKER_06 1:07:46

Your fucking face, dude, like imitating that guy.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:50

So fucking mortified.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:53

Did you make him Mexican?

SPEAKER_08 1:07:54

No, sorry, it was an attempt at an Italian accent. Let me try to see. Mamma mia. It could be. Except he's gotta be a depressed Italian. Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:03

Mamma mia. Is that anyone there?

SPEAKER_08 1:08:06

Can I sneak behind him? Okay, go ahead and make a deck save with advantage. You're invisible. I'm gonna make this an opposed uh check with. Fuck you. Nine. Nine? Okay, well, you roll better than him. Uh he does not see you, you move behind him. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:24

I'm gonna s I'm gonna whisper to him and say, the only ones here are us. Oh god.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:31

Would you roll a will save with advantage, please?

unknown 1:08:35

Ten.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:36

Oh well, your will is currently six, so unfortunately that's a failure. Because you took that damage from the spell. For the way you step up. Well, I thought it was 12, and then I saw that it was currently six because of the I know. It's like, oh, I thought you were just being evil. Um he starts running uh out and he's like, God, God!

SPEAKER_06 1:08:55

No, he doesn't. I'm gonna grab him by the fucking mouth. The second he starts getting jumpy, I'm just gonna clasp him.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:02

Okay, great. Uh make a deck safe to grab his mouth before he can yell for help. Ah, a four. A four.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:08

Okay, you grab his mouth and he's like, Oh god, this is horrible. This is truly terrifying.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:17

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say to him, I wouldn't do that if I were you. In my scariest voice, I can do. You're telling me that his his absolute horror and being gripped by an invisible being. Well, the scary voice doesn't give me advantage, at least. Alright, give me another one. No, it's a 10. I can't get I can't do good. So, no.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:44

He's gonna try to roll strength. Uh, roll a strength save to see if you can hold on to him. He's gonna try to run away from you. You gotta beat a seven.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:52

Okay. Does the 17 beat a seven? No.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:57

He pulls away and he runs out. Uh he's gonna run out the door and yell, God's help!

SPEAKER_07 1:10:02

There's an invisible ghost man!

SPEAKER_08 1:10:04

Hang on, let me say that Italian.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:06

Oh, there's an invisible ghost man!

SPEAKER_06 1:10:09

Uh oh uh, can I burrow into like some dishes into like a cupboard or something?

SPEAKER_08 1:10:14

Uh there are cupboards. I would like to remind you also the oven is in the kitchen with you if you'd like to do that.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:20

Oh shit, I did forget about that actually.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:22

The oven is in the kitchen with you is harrowing.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:26

I'm gonna I'm gonna sprint towards the furnace and say, plan went wrong, I'm going into the furnace. Over and just dive.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:33

So basically, your movement is six. As soon as you land through the oven, it is immediately very fucking hot. And I'm assuming you're just gonna try to beeline through the vent, right? So here's how this is gonna go. The oven connects to the vent uh down below. So you slide down the vent down below, and you make six movement. One, two, three, four, five, six. Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and give you a d6 of fire damage from that, from the heat. Oh, god damn. Oh, damn. Okay, you got lucky. That's one damage from the first six movement, and then you're gonna make another six movement, and because you're getting further away, that's gonna be a d4 of fire damage from that. And another one somehow. So you take two damage from moving through there. You move up and you see an open vent in front of you, and it is the room that Dan is currently in waiting for uh the signal to be given. Can I sneak up behind Dan? Uh, Dan, go ahead and make a will save. I rolled a nine and my will is uh 12. Alright, cool. Okay, Isaiah, uh, you move behind Dan. What would you like to do back there? Whose god do you fear?

SPEAKER_03 1:11:35

Jesus! Gail, you're lucky I don't punch the shit out of you right now. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:39

I dare you to try me.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:40

I'm invisible. And I'm like gonna be bobbing and weaving, even though I'm invisible. I'm not gonna try you. I'm gonna wait till you're invisible, and then I'm gonna punch you later. Did you get those did you get those snacks?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:49

Oh yeah, yeah, I did. I'll fish it out of my pockets real quick.

SPEAKER_08 1:11:59

I would like to cut back out to our distraction team.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:01

It's me! And Ken.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:05

So Jeremy and Roz are moving through. Uh, you guys are in the you are in the grand entrance. There are two guards literally standing across the hall just chilling. Grand entrance. You're both gonna have to do disadvantaged deck safes to see if you can make it through. Because it's pretty much out in the open.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:21

Alright. 14.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:25

Okay, well, it's not much better than Jeremy. Jeremy got a 17.

unknown 1:12:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:28

Immediately you guys start moving in, and uh the guards see you immediately and they go, you halt! One of them is running up immediately to try to restrain you, and the other is gonna is reaching for a Rocky talkie currently.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:40

Okay, I'm gonna use uh my spell tablet electric shock. Okay, shit. On the one that's used using the Rocky Talkie.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:46

Okay. Fire a lightning bolt at a creature within 30 inches. They must take a strength save. On a fail, they take dice damage and drop whatever is in their paws. Yes! On a success, they take dice damage and hold tightly to their items. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:00

Fuck.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:00

Would you go ahead and roll a d6?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:03

Huh. I got a two. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:06

Well, that's alright. Uh, he does, he's gonna take two damage. Okay. Um, he's gonna make a strength save now. He got a natural 20. Yeah! He freaking zaps and throws his Rocky Talkie across the room and it shatters on impact. And he takes two damage, and that is half of his health. So I'm going to give him another strength to see if he stays conscious. He does stay conscious. He's like, and throws it across the room.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:32

And he's like, You.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:35

Jeremy is gonna go ahead and use uh his new uh magic dagger. You see him pull out a tiny dagger, but he uh presses a button on it and it uh it becomes his magic sword in an instant and it ignites, and he's like, let him make some noise, I guess. We start drawing him out, right? Yeah. I mean the jig's up. The jig is up, Jeremy. And he's gonna yeah, he's gonna run up to this guy and uh make an attack. Damn. He is not trying to do lethal damage, I will say that, but in a single hit with his magical weapon, he absolutely knocks the shit out of this guard and just makes him fly against the uh into the wall. Nice. So this guard is unconscious.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:13

Yes, Jeremy, that's what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:15

This guard is freaking out over in the in the corner, having just been electrically shocked and lost his rocky talkie and saw his friend get absolutely proploned. I would like to go outside real quick and see how Jack is doing. Uh, Jack, your spell is still in effect. Um, everything's been kind of going on all at once. Uh, you hear some ruckus going on inside, and and you see these guards kind of turn. What's going on inside? And the one guy who thinks that he had lost all of his memory is like, what's going on in there, Bob?

SPEAKER_07 1:14:45

What's going on? I need to go check that out.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:47

Listen, guys, listen. Okay. You you haven't seen me in a minute, man. Okay. Let's. You want you wanna play a card game real quick?

SPEAKER_07 1:14:55

I don't know, man. I feel like I should do my job. Let me, I can't I can't get viring my wife. She's gonna lead me if I can fight in this job.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:04

I take all the pips out that I have and give them to him.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:08

I'm gonna tell you this, Jack. You don't have a single pip to your name right now after you spent it all shopping.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:14

Okay, I write, I write him an IOU.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:18

Okay, so I think an IOU from a homeless person.

SPEAKER_07 1:15:21

Bob, you're really, you're literally homeless, Bob. I don't know, I don't know what this is gonna do for my family.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:28

Listen, for my friends, I always come through. Bob, you're homeless.

SPEAKER_08 1:15:33

You make a will save with disadvantaged because you're homeless.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:38

So if I if I win this, can I slap him and go lock in?

SPEAKER_08 1:15:46

Four He's like, okay, okay, okay. And then you slap him.

SPEAKER_07 1:16:02

Lock in. Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. He hugs you.

SPEAKER_08 1:16:09

The other two are like, hey, listen, you're our best friend, Bob, but like there is noise going on in there. I feel like we should go check that out. No, listen, guys, how about we all indulge really quick?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:21

Feast.

SPEAKER_08 1:16:23

Bob, I didn't know you could do fucking magic, dude. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:26

Holy shit. I'm a man of many surprises. Is there any way possible that since I can make a feast, I can make it sleepy? Like I can make it so good. Like I can make it so good that they fall asleep.

SPEAKER_08 1:16:41

No, unfortunately, no, Canda. But you can make it a double cast if you'd like to roll two D6 and use Come on I'm Your Buddy. If you'd like to. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay, go ahead and roll two d6 and tell me which each one is. Two and four. Two and four. Okay, so one use on the create feast and no use on come on on your buddy. So you make them a feast. This guy is gonna go ahead and roll because the other two have already failed to this spell, they are still thinking you're their best friend. This guy fails his roll, he's now under your spell. So you they uh are convinced. Like they're like, okay, all right, you know what, you know what, I need this.

SPEAKER_07 1:17:21

I need Yes, you did. I had the longest week and it's just getting longer. I just I need this.

SPEAKER_08 1:17:28

Yes, you did. So these three guards are currently distracted outside. Roz, what would you like to do? I would say you're kinda up next. And also your uh electric shock spell. Oh wait, your electric shock did not get used because Oh wait, no, it did. Because you got it out of the discount bin. So you have no more electric shocks.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:47

Oh, I thought I had two casts in the street.

SPEAKER_08 1:17:48

No, it's only one. Okay, that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:50

Um, I would like to apprehend this man. This golem. I'm gonna bind him with the tweed in my backpack.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:00

Okay, so you do not have quite enough movement to get all the way over there.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:04

That's fine. I cast severe lactative then. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:07

Go ahead and roll a d6, please.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:11

I got a three.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:12

Okay, cool. So you uh you use the last of your cheap dollar bin uh spell slots, and uh they're gone. This man actually manages to pinch his butt cheeks and hold it up. No way! Uh but his tummy is hurting. Uh he's like, oh my, what the hell?

SPEAKER_07 1:18:31

What did you what didn't you do to me?

SPEAKER_08 1:18:33

And he's gonna start running away.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:35

Can I sink Jeremy on him?

SPEAKER_08 1:18:38

Like a dog. So he is running away into the ball. And I would say yes, Jeremy gets to go next after him.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:45

Don't let him get away, Jeremy.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:46

He can throw his sword, can it is within range, so he's gonna go ahead and throw his sword at this man and do uh d10 of damage to him.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:56

Nice, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_08 1:18:58

Okay, and it does two damage, and that's the rest of his HP, so he's gonna go ahead and make a strength save to see if he can stay conscious. Uh, he does match. So the frickin' uh thing bonks him on the back of the head and returns to Jeremy. And then Jeremy's gonna use the rest of his movement to try to get closer to this guy. He only has five movement because he's wearing heavy armor. Catherine, it's back to you again.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:19

Um, I guess the only thing I can do is run after him. Okay. I don't have any other spells that would work.

SPEAKER_08 1:19:24

Okay, so if you use your full movement and like you spend your action running, it'll be doubled, so you could move 12 spaces and catch up with him. So, do you want to be like in front of him to block off his path?

SPEAKER_00 1:19:34

That'd be great.

SPEAKER_08 1:19:34

Okay, so you move out in front of him. Currently, across the way in this room are two guards. One of them is sleeping, the other one is playing on his phone, and this guy is gonna use his whole turn to call to them for help.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:47

Fuck.

SPEAKER_08 1:19:48

He yells out, help, help me! Uh as loud as he can, those two guards are gonna go ahead and uh roll advantage saves to see if they can freaking one guy wakes up and he's like, What? Holy crap! And the other guy uh also wakes up. Fuck. So the the yelling causes these two guards standing over here to both get up and join initiative. Now they get a turn, those two guards. Uh one of them spends his whole action using his Rocky Talkie to call in and say, Intruders in the ballroom!

SPEAKER_09 1:20:20

No!

SPEAKER_08 1:20:21

Requesting all guards present to come to me.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:24

Guess that's kind of good though. We are here for diversion.

SPEAKER_08 1:20:28

So these guards are gonna start moving their way towards there. I'm gonna go ahead and cut back to Dan and Gail and uh Stessica and Samuel in the uh war room. So you guys hear all this commotion going on, all these guards are rushing out. What would you like to do? Uh well, first and foremost, are Samuel and Stessica still like in my pocket or yeah, they're fine until they do something that will turn them back into their normal forms. So Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:56

Stessica, Samuel, do you guys want to stay just in my pocket for now? Or you guys want to come out? What do you guys want to do? Because I don't want to like carry around all day in case you guys want to do some stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:04

I feel like it would be smarter to stay hidden until like needed.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:08

Okay, just thought I'd ask. I know I don't know it could be boring.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:11

I think it would be better to have us as like a uh element of surprise.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:15

Fairful. Alright, we'll hold on to your snacks till then, but uh yeah, no, I'm not gonna eat your red stuff, so I guess it's fine. So you won't have to worry about that. Gail, I would like my Danish though. Isangles, are you there? I'm pretty sure Isangles has fallen asleep on us.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:30

Damn.

SPEAKER_08 1:21:37

Audience, Isaiah fell asleep. Gail's on autopilot, I'm controlling her. Gail gives you the Danish.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:42

I now have control of Gail.

SPEAKER_08 1:21:44

I now have control of Dale. Gail. Gail. Okay, so uh up in the ballroom, uh Jeremy goes, uh, Raz, I think we should get out of here.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:53

Oh, yeah, smart. Tell him your name. Great. That's not gonna make everything harder. You can retreat, Jeremy.

SPEAKER_08 1:21:58

Okay. So he's gonna use his uh he's gonna use a turn to throw his uh sword at the back of this guy who's kind of in between you two now. Uh, and that does a lot of damage, and this man knocks out finally the the the second guy, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:15

Like the first with the Rocky talkie.

SPEAKER_08 1:22:17

Mm-hmm. So you guys run out, uh, and all of the guards are gonna be chasing you. So you guys make it back out onto the street. Jack, you see uh Jeremy and Roz jump out and run outside, and you see a just a shit ton of guards in the distance running after them.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:33

Can I can I make a move?

SPEAKER_08 1:22:35

Uh yeah, I mean you guys are outside now. I figure, are you guys wanting to retreat? What are you guys trying to do?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:40

Yeah, I'm trying to lure the guards out of the building. Okay. I feel like the that's the best move. I'm gonna pick Jeremy up.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:48

I tell my I tell my new friends that that the guards are chasing after Peace Corps members and that the Pope is with them. Or that their equivalent of the Pope is with them. What is a Pope? What? It's it the guy who controls Yaz's religion, they're chasing them.

SPEAKER_07 1:23:10

Oh, Marcos? They're chasing Marcos?

SPEAKER_04 1:23:14

Yes, yes, they're chasing, they're chasing your god, Marcos.

SPEAKER_07 1:23:19

Dude, there is so much oppression. I know, I know, I know, dude.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:24

I know, dude. I know. Listen, man. We will break down the establishment. We will tear it all down.

SPEAKER_08 1:23:32

Could you roll an advantaged will save?

SPEAKER_04 1:23:36

19 to 19 couldn't roll better. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_08 1:23:40

Damn. Oh no, Jack, they don't look like Marcos. Marcos is a dub. I think we should try to to stop that.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:48

He can bec no, listen, he can become anything that he sets his mind to. Do you not believe in your god?

SPEAKER_08 1:23:56

So I would say you you do enough to distract them. Raz and and Jeremy have no trouble running around them, and then they're like, Jeremy's like, okay, I feel like the jig is up, man. We should probably run. I throw a bomb at him.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:08

You have to have like a bomb.

SPEAKER_07 1:24:10

No, you have no bombs.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:12

I'm just gonna go, well, I'm gonna save Marcos. Aren't you guys? Aren't you loyal servants of our god Marcos? And then I just start like chasing after Roz and the rest of them.

SPEAKER_08 1:24:25

Okay, so Roz, uh, you and Jeremy are running. Jack's currently following you. Roz, do you have a direction you're heading in, or are you just trying to kind of lead a chase to get all the guards uh kind of out of the castle?

SPEAKER_00 1:24:36

Yeah, I'm just leading a chase away from the castle, pretty much.

SPEAKER_08 1:24:39

Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:39

I feel like Jeremy's armor's gonna hold him down, so I will pick him up and get three flaps of distance away from the mob.

SPEAKER_08 1:24:47

Okay, if you're gonna pick up uh Jeremy, give me an advantage strength save, please.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:51

Nice. Nice. Nice.

SPEAKER_08 1:24:53

Uh so you gotta get below a four.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:55

Fuck, dude. Three!

SPEAKER_08 1:24:58

Okay, you pick up Jeremy and you you manage to flap three times and get a pretty good lead on the uh guards. Uh Jack, you guys are currently leading a chase. Two guards stand at the uh the entrance, the grand entrance, and they're like, we we better stay behind because like literally, like otherwise everybody is gone. Uh everybody else though is currently out chasing you uh and they're calling for help. Uh guards across the city are reasonably going to be chasing you in a little bit, but the hallways are currently empty. So you guys did a pretty good job on the diversion. Nice. Back in the war room, Dan, Samuel, you guys are in the war room with Gail. Gail's on autopilot, as I said. What are you two doing?

SPEAKER_03 1:25:39

Uh radio into to Roz. Roz, what the fuck's going on?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:42

Roz is gonna just somehow manage to get to her Rocky talkie. Flying Jeremy away. Okay, shit went south. All of the guards are chasing us out. I'm leading them away from the castle, so do whatever you guys gotta do. Over. Lovely.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:58

Um, I guess Gail, Stezica, and Samuel were heading over to the king's room. So let's let's get I mean, obviously, Samuel and Stezica, you can't you don't have much of a choice currently.

SPEAKER_08 1:26:09

Okay, yeah. And also Gail doesn't have a choice because I say it fell asleep. Okay. You step out of the war room, out in front of you is uh it the a hallway leads to a T. You can see on the right side, about halfway down the hallway, headed north, is the secret room. All the way down, you see the hallway turn left, and there's a few doors at the corner. But upon upon stepping out of the war room and closing the door behind you, you hear a big heavy door. Oh fuck. Uh you hear the sound of footsteps moving.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:42

Gail, qu cast the thing on me. I tell Gail to cast the uh the spell, the invisibility spell on me with the stone top of the thing.

SPEAKER_08 1:26:50

Uh Gail is on autopilot because Isaiah fell asleep. I'm gonna go to his character sheet, and I feel like that's uh a thing that makes sense to do. Holy shit. He rolled a six.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:02

So good.

SPEAKER_08 1:27:03

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:04

Okay, that's not good.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:06

What does that mean?

SPEAKER_08 1:27:07

That means he's fucking dead. Who? When you cast a spell and you get a six on a d on a spell casting rule, you take a d6 of damage. Oh thank god. Okay. Gail takes one damage.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:17

Oh thank god.

SPEAKER_08 1:27:18

Okay, so Gail is currently at five will but you are now invisible. You hear very loud, heavy footsteps moving towards the exit of the king's hall up at the T of the hallway directly in front of you. Uh to the right, you know that it will loop around. Somebody is currently moving towards the exit from the direction of the king's room.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:39

I mean, I'm sure I can make the assumption that that was probably the king. Unless the king's got a mistress, but I mean I don't know.

SPEAKER_08 1:27:45

You don't know that, but I mean you hear heavy footsteps moving from the direction of the king's quarters, you know, it's kinda up to you what you would like to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:52

She's a hefty woman.

SPEAKER_08 1:27:54

The king likes them thick.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:58

Meet you, King, hell yeah. Um so I'd say uh Samuel Samuel likes him slim thick. Uh sorry I'd say I'd say go up and past the sacred room, head that way. Okay. And head towards the the king's the the king's quarters.

SPEAKER_08 1:28:20

Basically, for our audience at home, there is a hallway that kind of goes in a square. So you could theoretically go in circles in this hallway forever. The king is moving one way towards the exit. Our heroes are moving north. Uh so Dan, as you are moving up, you feel your entire body begin to freeze up. Also, Samuel, you feel this. Stessica starts having a seizure. Stessica and you collapse on the ground. I'm going to ask you to make a straight deck safe for your fall. Whether or not you succeed or fail, the king will get a check to see if he hears you.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:01

Oh, I hate my life.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:03

Oh, roll again and pretend.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:05

What did you get? I rolled a 13. Do I get that special roll from Jack's feast?

SPEAKER_08 1:29:09

You can add a D4. You can also use luck if you would like. I'm gonna use the D4. Okay, go ahead. I rolled, oh fuck me, a one. Okay, and what was your original roll? Uh my original roll was a 13. 13 in your decks is Oh wait, my dex is 13. Yeah, so you're below, dude. Oh shit. You're good. Oh. Okay, so you managed to collapse quietly. I knew you could do it. Just fancy- I knew you could eat the concrete sign.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:36

I got hollow bones, dude. I fall gracefully. My armor saved me.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:40

It's like a piece of paper.

SPEAKER_08 1:29:44

Gail witnesses you, I mean, just hears you fall. I'm gonna see if Gail stops in time or if she's gonna bump into you seizing on the ground as you were also invisible. Gail manages not to uh run into you, but you lay in the middle of enemy territory seizing up on the ground. And we will get to what that means next episode. Uh bye. Angelo Last Name is Dan, Candon Johnson is Jack, Catherine Bivens is Ross, Isaiah Nyman is Gail, and me, Jonathan Ransom, as your DM and audio editor. This podcast would not exist without the inspiration of real play podcasts that came before, such as Dungeons and Daddies, Critical Role, Adventure Zone, and Dungeons and Daddies again, because I'm the biggest D and Dads glazer you will find. It shows so good. Thank you guys so much for listening, and we will see you guys in the next episode. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_06 1:31:28

My farts have been stinking bad. They're very silent, but they reach.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:33

And this episode is, but is is leaking gas.

SPEAKER_06 1:31:38

I had a piece of cake, I had two brownies, I had a salad bar, I had sausage, eggs, and toast.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:45

I had like is a combo or just like one thing.

SPEAKER_06 1:31:51

I had so much caffeine. I had a protein drink with milk in it. Okay. Um I'm lactose intolerant. I had.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:58

Okay, that's probably it then. Plus the eggs, plus the meat.

SPEAKER_06 1:32:02

Most of it, yeah. Plus like everything else. Peanut butter, cubs. It just kept having more sugar. And then when I got here, I had another snack. Oh, and then I had spaghettios with meatballs in it, which I'll never do again. That shit's spongy and disgusting. Yeah. Valid. Um and I had a cup of riceroni. Like the like super cheap. Stinky fart recipe.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:32

But what could I put all together to make my fart smell?

SPEAKER_06 1:32:35

I had a bunch of durians. That's not true, but I heard that those make you really stinky.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:40

Wait, what do we what are we doing, what do we discuss in this form?

SPEAKER_08 1:32:44

There's no reason. In this episode, Isaiah's farts smell like ass. As they I guess they were. They smell worse than ass. They smell like ass too. No! I would never have sex with him. Look at how Lucy is.

unknown 1:33:03

What?

SPEAKER_08 1:33:04

By the way, I'm gonna rank on that.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:05

That is I'm gonna run that back as a. It's also her grinning kid. No, no! It's also her grinning. No.

SPEAKER_06 1:33:15

Whoa, the DM notes. Did you see that? Yeah, the power of God just flashed before my eyes.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:23

How does it let you see it? I thought it was only sharing the blender screen. I saw my old John and I memorized it too. I'm glad it wasn't the uh I have a uh Please one more time, just for science. I have uh a sheet that is literally called Caverns and Critters Twists, so I'm really glad that one wasn't open.

SPEAKER_06 1:33:44

It's genuinely so funny how it just like popped up for a second.

SPEAKER_08 1:33:52

Let me see them hips gyrange. Let me see them hips gyrange.