19. The Leadership Blind Spot

Have you ever thought of the perfect response... twenty minutes after the conversation ended?

In this solo episode, Angela Dodd shares an unexpected personal story that led her down a fascinating rabbit hole into neuroscience, leadership, and emotional regulation. After being pulled over and asked to complete a field sobriety test despite being completely sober, Angela realized the most frustrating part wasn't the traffic stop—it was that she couldn't access the confident, articulate version of herself she knew so well.

Why does this happen?

The answer lies in our nervous system.

Angela explores why high-achieving women often struggle to think clearly during stressful moments and shares five practical strategies you can begin using today to stay calm, communicate more effectively, and remain connected to your best thinking under pressure.

If you've ever left a meeting replaying everything you wish you'd said, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

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And maybe the next time you walk away from a difficult conversation, you won't judge yourself for what you didn't say. You'll recognize that your intelligence never left. You simply lost your access to that information in that moment. And that's something that you can train. It's something you can practice. It's something you can get better at. Welcome to Women Who Make It. Real conversations with women in the food and beverage industry who are building careers, leading teams, and figuring it all out. After years of building females on food, I've had conversations with some of the most brilliant women in the industry. And they shared the real stuff. The pivots, the boundaries, the burnouts, and the moments of is this even working before it finally clicked? So I hit record, and now you get to hear it too. We're women who make it. So let's dig in. Welcome back to Women Who Make It. I'm your host, Angela Dodd, and today's episode is a special one. I'm here solo with you. But before we jump into the why and what we're going to be talking about today, there's one thing that you can do that would really help us, and that's to connect with us on social, whether it be women who make it or females in food, follow both. It goes a long way in helping us reach even more people across this industry. And I also invite you to connect with me on LinkedIn. I love to hear from our listeners about what you're enjoying, what you want more of, or who we should interview next. So, with that, I'm going to jump into this episode because it is a good one. As I said, this was not planned. And in fact, if you would have told me a week ago that I'd be sitting here starting an episode telling you that I had taken a field sobriety test on a Sunday morning at 11 a.m., I certainly would have laughed at you. But here we are, because this episode is not about getting pulled over and about having a field sobriety exam. It's really about something that I think every high-achieving woman has experienced. And I think you're going to see potentially a bit of yourself, recognize a bit of yourself in my story. The how we got there though is kind of a funny and unfortunate story that I'm going to open up and share with you. And so to lay a little bit of context about how I ended up in this situation, it was 4th of July weekend, and I had taken the kids north to my parents' house and I was leaving their home on a Sunday morning. You know, they've been running around. We got them fed. Everybody was in the back seat, ready for snacks. They live on a county highway, so you'll have to like turn out and accelerate right away. Long story short, I hadn't even been driving for 90 seconds. And the road goes from like a 50 mile an hour zone to a 40 mile an hour zone. And I was still accelerating as I passed that 40 mile an hour mark right at the same time that an officer was coming the same direction at me. And so he flipped on his lights, you know, flipped around in the road and was pulling me over. And there's nothing to argue with there. I was accelerating, I'd cross the line, I was speeding, I own it. But it's what happened next that really stayed with me and has motivated me to create this episode because I think there's a lot of lessons in it. It's the interaction with officer. He did the normal spiel, give me your driver's license, proof of insurance. But then he started questioning me more. And my nervous system was already on edge getting pulled over. It's not a natural thing for me. I don't think it is for most people. I hadn't been pulled over in years. So I'm never really prepared on like how to interact with an officer in this type of situation. But I had also never been pulled over with my kids in the car with me. And they're small toddlers and super impressionable at this age. And so naturally my heart was racing a little bit. I had just like left my parents 90 seconds before this. So like I hadn't even settled into driving or what I potentially could have even been doing wrong, right? And he starts asking a few questions. And then out of nowhere, he's like, How much alcohol did you have to drink last night? I looked at him shocked. I was like, I didn't have anything to drink last night. And his line of questioning continues to get a bit more aggressive, which naturally puts me on edge even more because when you know you're innocent, like you just, your natural, my natural reaction is to get defensive, like to prove I'm right. And especially in this situation. And so I won't go into like my feelings around, you know, where I think his questions may have been a bit far-reaching or unfounded, but he wanted to do his job and he felt like he could smell alcohol coming out of my car. And so I had not been drinking the night before. I had not been drinking the morning of. There was certainly zero alcohol in my car, and nobody in my car had been drinking. So I knew I had absolutely nothing to hide. And so I got out of the car, I did his field sobriety test, which I passed, and he still wanted me to do a breathalyzer, which I happily did because I had nothing to hide. I blew a zero. You know, I think he was a little frustrated because he thought he was going to catch somebody that morning. But um, he sent me on my merry way with a speeding ticket, and I went on, got home safely. End of story, right? That could be the end of story. But here's what bothered me for the rest of the day. It wasn't the ticket, it wasn't the sobriety test. It was why couldn't I think in the moment? Like, what was wrong with me? I I replayed back the interaction in my head a hundred times, and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't access the version of myself that I knew so well. Like I'm somebody who negotiates partnerships, interviews CEOs, facilitates executive conversations, I speak publicly, yet in that moment I was not articulate, which probably like exasperated the situation more into him thinking I was guiltier. But I wasn't quick, I wasn't clever. I was likely defensive. Um, and I couldn't come up with that calm, thoughtful response that suddenly appeared in my brain naturally 20 minutes after the interaction, you know, as I'm going down the highway. I came up with the best responses at that point. And I have to ask, like, has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been driving home from a meeting or in the shower or laying in bed at the end of the day? And suddenly you think of the very perfect thing that you wish you would have said. And that's ultimately what happened to me. And it made me realize something. As I'm replaying this whole conversation and I'm a bit frustrated with myself, it was that I was frustrated that I couldn't access that version of myself. And that distinction kind of changed my whole thought process and why I wanted to share this with you guys, because I think we spend so much of our careers focused on building our expertise. We take on bigger roles, we develop new skills, we become better leaders, we build confidence. But nobody teaches us how to access all of that when we're under pressure. It's not like we're going and getting an MBA while we're under dress, right? And practicing negotiation skills while actually feeling the pressure of the situation. And so naturally, I'm a scientist. If you've been following and getting to know me at all, you'll know that whenever there's something I want to learn more about, I typically go down some rabbit hole. So for your benefit in this episode, I did a little bit of research. And when our brains perceive a threat, whether that's physical, emotional, or even social, our nervous system shifts into that protection mode. I must be being chased by a tiger, right? Like your heart rate goes up, your breathing changes, your brain starts prioritizing survival over strategy. And it's the part of your brain that's responsible for clear thinking, creativity, decision making, and even communication that becomes really hard to access in that moment. It just like you become, you go into fight or flight mode. And so suddenly this was no longer about a traffic stop. It was about something that I think happens to us all of the time. You know, it happens when your boss asks you a question you weren't expecting in front of the executive team or during a performance review. I can't tell you how many women I talk to that go into a performance review thinking, you know, they know that they've performed all year, but you still get, you know, you still get nervous because you your body doesn't know what's about to happen. You don't know the feedback that you're gonna get. It could happen in front of a client when they challenge you, especially if they challenge you in front of your manager, um, or when somebody questions your judgment. Um, or perhaps it happens when you get interrupted in a meeting. Anytime when you don't feel psychologically safe, right? This feeling can happen. And how many times have you walked out of a meeting thinking, gosh, like, why didn't I just say that? And it wasn't because you weren't smart enough. And it wasn't because you weren't prepared, but because in that moment your nervous system got in there before your executive functioning did. And I honestly think this is one of the most overlooked leadership skills for high-achieving women. Me being one of them, right? And so I want to take this and share with you just five ways that you can start regulating your nervous system. And I did some research. I'm by no means a psychologist, I'm not a neuroscientist. I have heard this in other trainings, but I think the important message here is like we need to think about how we can practice this every day so that we're prepared to actually apply these skills in the situation when we find ourselves in it. And so as I started getting curious, I, you know, started researching what are some very simple ways that can help us stay connected to our best thinking when we're under pressure. And so these are five very simple things. But I'm gonna also share like what I tried in the moment because I think that is also helpful in like what I've tried before. So, number one, it's about noticing and naming what's actually happening to you. Instead of telling yourself, I'm falling apart and you go down this massive spiral in your head. Try saying, I'm noticing my heart racing, I'm feeling activated. My body thinks I'm under a threat. It sounds really simple, I know. But the research has shown that by simply naming what we're experiencing, you can reduce that emotional reactivity. It becomes more manageable to wrap your head around what actually is happening so that you can start problem solving that internally. And it's not, oh, my heart is racing, but I'm not being attacked by a tiger right now. So sometimes awareness is just that very first step towards regulation. So that's number one. Number two, start slowing your breathing. Take yourself out of that fight or flight, like take a big breath. Even now, like when I get on to like do any sort of recordings, like my nervous system gets a little wired. And so I think even if you're not under a pressure situation, we all need just to breathe a little bit more. And that's actually why I did it with you. Maybe do one more. Like, do we ever stop when people do this? When I hear people like doing box breathing on other videos, I actually stop and do it with them. I hope you did that with me just now. But you can breathe in for four and breathe out for six and do that three or four times. Like the the box breathing technique, it really does help. And the the science around it is that the longer the exhale, it actually helps your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your body recovery after stress. Like it helps calm it down. So there is science behind it, and it's super simple. And I think we don't do it enough, but it's very simple to practice every single day, regardless of the situation. And I think with repetition, we can we can pull that out of our toolkit and apply it in a situation when we need it. Okay, so number three, buy yourself some time. And I think this one is especially important for women. Somewhere along the way, we've convinced ourselves that we have to have an answer immediately to everything. And I think that's also, you know, happened because of the instantaneous uh moments of like social media and every and how quickly we can get information from anywhere around us. But we we don't have to have an answer immediately. You can stop, pause, reply with, man, that's a great question. Like use the power of the pause. It becomes your greatest asset in these situations. And it's not even when you're under pressure, but using it strategically in communication leaves anticipation on the other end. It lets people stop, like and pausing when they're listening to you and anticipate what you're gonna say next and let you let them kind of absorb what you had just said before that. So whether you're just pausing for a moment or you're following up with a question, mirroring them or saying, that's a great question, or let me think about it for a second, or you know, I'd like to answer this thoughtfully. I'd I want to actually come back to you later after I have a chance to check some things. We don't have to respond immediately. And I think it's a great skill to pull out and use in these situations because it allows your brain to just calm down a little bit, your nervous system to relax a minute so that you can bring in that more calm and rational response versus saying something very quickly that you maybe not intend or regret later. And so whether it be in a pressure situation or even in strategic communication, the pause is so powerful. Give your brain time to reconnect with that part that's responsible for reasoning and communication, but also allow that other person to have anticipation on the other side. Number four, ground yourself in the present. And I found myself doing this as he was like asking me to walk one foot in front of the other, which is really difficult. Like, you know, keeping your hands at your side and putting one foot in front of the other. I remember standing there and it's like blazing heat. And I'm like, oh my God, like I'm gonna fail this test because I'm my nervous system, like, I'm so nervous. And this is not an easy thing to do. Like, I'm not a very balanced person to begin with, right? I don't practice standing on one leg every single day. I haven't done yoga in ages. And so for somebody who is asking you already in a nervous situation to have perfect balance, count your steps, keep your glaze down, and make one foot touch in front of the other nine steps, turn around, do it again. Like, I'm like, I'm gonna fail this if I don't, if I don't calm myself. And so I remember standing there and I'm like, how can I ground myself? And I'm like, I took a deep breath, but I also remember for a moment just saying, okay, the ground is under my feet. So find those things that you can ground yourself in in the present. Feel your feet on the floor, notice the chair underneath you supporting you, look around the room and name three things that you can see. It's this grounding that brings your attention back to what's actually happening inside what's actually happening instead of your nervous system wondering and fearing what might happen. So by saying and feeling and realizing the things that are real and grounded around you, you're naturally gonna allow your nervous system to relax a little bit and perform differently. So that's what I did. And it worked. Like I was able to calm myself enough to, you know, execute beautifully on this sobriety exam. Um, but it was, you know, I think if I would not have calmed myself, I would have definitely been stumbling because like trying to keep your balance when your nervous system is is already at a very intense place is is one of the hardest skills, it's one of the hardest tasks to do, in my opinion. Give it a try, let me know your thoughts. Anyways, number five in uh in what else you can practice. So practice regulation before you need it. And this is something that be you know, it was a great reminder to me uh this past weekend, and that I have not practiced these skills enough in my most recent months or weeks. These are things that we can be doing every single day. And I think about in the workplace, you know, if you're in a commercial-facing role, you might you might learn some of this during negotiation training, which I think is the only place where we really get a sense of like being able to practice responding in a pressure situation. But we don't learn public speaking while standing on a stage, yet somehow we expect our nervous system to perform for the very first time when we haven't practiced it. So I really encourage you to start practicing some of these things. The repetition is really the key to allowing yourself to bring these skills into a pressured situation. The truth is, regulation is something that we can build every single day. We can do it through sleep, movement, breathing, mindfulness, prayer, if that's your thing, journaling, connection, whatever helps you return to your baseline. Because when you practice returning to calm in everyday life, it's much easier to find your way back when life throws you into an unexpected situation. So I just want to leave you with this. We spend thousands of dollars every year learning executive presence. It's a multi-billion dollar industry, communication, leadership, influence, negotiation. But none of those skills matter if your nervous system won't let you access them when you need them most. And I used to think executive presence was about saying the right thing, which words are important, don't get me wrong. But now I think executive presence and how you say something, it starts so much earlier. It needs to start so much earlier. It's your ability to stay connected to the smartest version of yourself, even when your body is convinced you're under threat. And maybe the next time you walk away from a difficult conversation, you won't judge yourself for what you didn't say. You'll recognize that your intelligence never left. You simply lost your access to that information in that moment. And that's something that you can train. It's something you can practice, it's something you can get better at. And these tips and these tools, like I said, I lost it this past weekend. Um, like I didn't have those skills in the moment. I, you know, at the very end of that situation, I tried to apply a little bit of what I knew, but I I didn't I didn't have a way to access it because my body was in flight or fight, and I was in a defensive mode, right? So I hope this story, you know, I hope this story and these few little tips help you remember, you know, that you can slow down, practice some of this every single day to regulate yourself so that you can apply it in the next time that you find yourself in a pressured situation because it happens for all of us, right? These are natural situations that happen in our everyday workplace or with clients. And so I think we can all get a little bit better at it. I'm speaking certainly for myself, I think it's one of the most under-leveraged and undertrained skills for us women in the industry. Um, I think we practice so many of these other things, but we don't practice it under pressure. And how we're able to respond under pressure is everything. So if this episode resonated with you, I would really love for you to share it with another woman who needs to hear it or share it with your network. You never know who's going through something and who may need that extra bit of support this week. So if you're not following, please do so. Hit that follow button, reach out to us, because at the end of the day, we're not just making food, we're making moves, we're women who make it. I'll see you back next time. Thank you for listening to Women Who Make It. If today's episode inspired you, please follow the podcast so you never miss one of these powerful conversations. And we would also love your help in growing this community by sharing the show with friends and colleagues, because together our stories can create change. For even more connection and inspiration, follow us on Instagram and LinkedIn at femalesandfood.community. Or join our global community of women by visiting the website femalesandfood.community. We're not just making food, we're making moves. We're women who make it.