NYSC: The Quiet Side of Motherhood

Motherhood is often described as loud, joyful, busy, and full... but there's another side that doesn't get talked about as often.

In this episode, I sit down again with my friend Angie for an honest conversation about mom guilt and the quiet loneliness that can sometimes come with raising children. We talk about the pressure moms put on themselves, the identity shifts that happen along the way, and the moments when motherhood feels both deeply meaningful and unexpedtedly isolating.

This conversation is real, heartfelt, and full of the kind of honesty that reminds you you're not the only one navigating these feelings. Because loving your kids deeply and still needing space, support, and connection can exist at the same time.

If you've ever wondered whether other moms feel this way too... you're not alone.

New episodes drop weekly!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Not Your Southern Chick. The podcast for no topic is off limits. America, a Colombian woman raising a kid and raising hell in the South. Around here, we talk life, love, friendship, menopause, and everything in between. Laughter, honesty, and zero apologies. Let's get into it. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to episode 9 of Not Your Southern Chick. I am so excited. I'm always excited to get this going and to talk to everybody. And thank you so much for all of your support and for tuning in every week. I have some regulars now, which is so fun to hear from. They always come back with uh talking points and just the things that they loved and didn't love. So please keep that love coming. I love to hear it. I am here in the most fabulous company once again to a fan favorite, Angie. And I've told you this. People have said that you are just absolutely wonderful. Angie Bailey is back. Say hello, Angie.

SPEAKER_03 0:59

Thank you for having me again. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. Always, always.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Oh, I love it. I love it. Thank you so much. So I was thinking about, I got a couple people, actually a few people, who came to me with suggestions for the next episode. And one of the resounding things that they brought up was, hey, can you talk about like the mom experience? Right. And we've talked about in all of these episodes, we've talked about like paramenopause, being a good mom and raising good kids, and even like friendships and you know, making friends after 40, making friends with guys and girls, and like, you know, the friendship dilemma there, right? We've talked about all of these really beautiful things. We've talked about leading from a place of love and and you know, forgiving yourself for past uh mistakes that you've made in your life. Like we've just really dug into all these really amazing topics, and yet this mom guilt and this mom experience keeps coming up as something that folks want to hear about. And I love talking about stuff like that. And the first person I thought of of all of my beautiful friends, all of my beautiful mom friends that are just kicking ass at the at this job, um, was Angie. Because I feel like I just feel like you have such a beautiful perspective and such an honest perspective on this. So thank you again for joining me um on this amazing conversation.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Thank you. Yes. So we're gonna talk about the quiet side of motherhood, right? So there's so much to talk about, like the joy of motherhood, but not enough about the guilt and the loneliness that comes with it. And I think that's something that we should really, really dig into. So, Angie, my first question to you is Did you ever imagine motherhood would feel lonely?

SPEAKER_03 2:46

No, no, no, no, and that's the first reality, you know, like shocking thing that comes to you, right? When you have your baby, you're alone in your apartment, your husband went to work, and you are with a with a human being that depends 100% in you. I mean, his life, everything, everything, everything, and and and it's so overwhelming. And it gets to be like, oh my god, what have I done? No, no, no, yeah, yeah, for sure. And nobody says it, and everybody's like, Oh no, please, it's the most beautiful experience. Of course it is, but there's a mix of emotions, there's a cocktail, hormonal cocktail, again, everything, everything going on, and you have a new body, your your body doesn't belong to you anymore because, well, I was nursing, you know. I decided to nurse my baby, and that took another thing. I mean, like it was a hard, a hard um choice, maybe at the beginning, because I didn't know how to. I was very like, no, no, I need to do this, I need to do this, you know. I was so into that. Then um a doctor suggested me, you know, no, don't do that. Do formula, do this, you will sleep better. And I and I tried, and then I and then I felt guilty, and then I said, No, I'm going back to nursing, and I'm gonna do this because I want to, but I it was such a struggle with myself. And yes, nobody told nobody tells us about that. And we in the movies, we get to see this beautiful, you know, baby moments. Okay, yes, the mom is like uh in the in the um um when she's giving birth, you know, like like baby's coming, okay. She jails, blah blah, and then the next scene is she carrying the baby silently in a room of light, and everything is beautiful, and it no it romanticizes a lot. I mean, and it yes, of course, a part of it is true, but another part it's it's not, it's it comes a lot of darkness with that because it it it makes you go deeper in your soul, right? To to to talk to your own uh you know demons, let's put it in that way, and and and work with them if you haven't before. And that was a shocking reality for me. The first year of me being being a mom. Oh my god, yes, it was the hardest, it was the hardest for me.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

I love I love that perspective, Angie. And I I have to tell you that that uh it's the first this is the first time I'm hearing you say that in that way, because we've talked about this topic, you and I, many, many times. And I I just you're absolutely right. Like I definitely in the birthing process, like literally, like in the labor and delivery room. I remember like as the baby's coming out, I remember looking at Mike and having like this split second of panic, you know, and you're just and I literally I remember looking at him and saying, Do you think I'm gonna be a good mom? Like it just hit me, like, holy shit, I'm about to become a mom. And he looked at me and he was like, of course. He said it's so like matter of fact, like, of course, yes, you know, and in my brain, like deep, deep, deep, I was like, I don't know. Like, I really don't, I don't think so. Because, you know, a little bit about me, I I didn't want children, you know, my whole life. I, you know, once I started thinking about like my future, child development and being a mom was not in my cards. I I was very honest about it, I was very open about it. I I had no intentions of it. I met Mike and we had that conversation and when we first started dating, we settled that we weren't gonna have children. I was totally set. And then I turned 30 and I changed my mind completely. Um, not by any pressure, not by any, you know, not that I can remember, maybe societal pressure, maybe a little bit. Maybe that does sort of in the back of your mind go, like, oh man, like am I really gonna not be a mom in my entire life? Like, but I do think that it was a decision that I made very consciously. And then we, you know, we did IVF and we went through all of that. And, you know, as this child is coming out of me, I just remember being like, oh my god, like I did I really want this, like for real, for real. And then they put him on me, you know, as soon as soon as the baby comes out, they put it they put him right on your boob, which, you know, I've heard different perspectives from different moms where they're like, no, we had a birthing plan and we were very clear from the beginning that we didn't want to, you know, nurse, and I was not vocal like that, and maybe that was my mistake. I didn't say it from the beginning, I don't want to nurse. They put him on my boob like immediately, and I just remember immediately thinking, Oh, I don't, I don't want to do this, but but because everybody was like latch them on, I was like, Oh, okay, maybe I have maybe I do have to do this. Okay, we'll try it. Angie, I tried it for seven days, seven whole days. I gave it my honest shot, and I would sob every day, every night, because in my heart I did not want to nurse, but I felt so much pressure and so guilty for feeling that way, because you're absolutely right. Every movie, every novella, every story from every person was the best bonding experience, the best moments of my life were when I nursed my baby, and I and I had my sister-in-laws that did it too, and I was like, okay, like I I'm gonna do this, even though every part of me was saying, Erica, hey, Erica, you're still in there, you're still a human, and you don't want to do this. But I was pushing that away and pushing it away and pushing it away until one day I I took him, he was he was crying, he was screaming because he was hungry, obviously. And my mom, she kept coming in the room and she was like, Erika tiene hambre, Erika niño tiene hambre, Erika niño tiene hambre, you know, and I was like, like he's hungry, he's hungry, and I was like, I know, but like I'm trying to do this. And then I take him off my boobanji and there's blood in his mouth. Oh, and I start screaming because I'm he my nipple was was bleeding, and so I was like, Oh, and then I remember I told my mom, I said, take him, take him, take him right now, because I think I went, I had a panic attack, you know, and I and I'm sitting there, and my mom's like, What is going on? And I was like, I don't want to do this. Yes, and Angie, the relief I felt when I said it out loud was incredible it was like a pressure cooker, you know, and it just like, you know, and I was like, I don't want to do this. And she was like, So why are you doing it? And I was like, I don't know, because everybody said I should do it. And she was like, I never said you should do it, and I'm your mother. And then I remember Mike walked in and he was like, I didn't tell you to do it either. And I was like, shit, like you're absolutely everybody's right. Like, but it's all of these pressures that came out of absolute nowhere. And and then I was just like, once I don't know, once I I felt like I got permission, which is crazy, right? Because you shouldn't need permission, right? We're talking about that too. Like, there should be no permission. You are your person, this is your body, but I still felt like I needed permission to to give to to be step away from that, you know, and and that's it. So I was not a nursing mom. You were a nursing mom, I was not a nursing mom. And look at even in those two examples, we both felt guilt in different ways.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

Oh, totally. And and I think that nursing it's a very, very personal decision. No one, no one should tell you, oh no, you need to breastfeed. No, no, no, you need to use formula. No, you need to know your options before you need to make a decision by yourself because you are the only one who are who who is gonna spend um a lot of hours of your day uh with your baby uh latched into your into your you know, latching. Onto you, yeah. Onto you and and that's that can be a very beautiful moment or a very moment, a moment that really turns you crazy and says say I don't, I I'm not ready for I don't want to do this. And and we should be aware of that before we should know our options, and yes, that it's a very personal decision, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Yes, and for me, like the reason why I knew is because I I don't like people touching me. Okay, so right, like I just I don't like to be touched a lot, like I I you know, to be like poked and like touched and be some somebody like on top of me all the time, like my husband, my my mom, my dad, like I everybody, my friends, like I I'm I feel like I'm a very affectionate person. I hug a lot, I kiss a lot. Yes, that's true, but I I don't linger and I don't like to be on like I don't cuddle. I'm not a cuddler, you know, in my whole life. I'm very sweaty and I don't like like I'm just I'm hot and I'm hot yes, thank you. I love you too, you know.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

Yeah, but um, yes, yes, over there, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

And my and my blanket, I don't I don't share blankets with my husband. This is like a point of of contention with friends that I know where I tell them and they're like, What are you talking about? I was like, no, it's the most comfortable. I am so comfortable. Nobody's pulling my blankets. I'm not cold, I'm not hot. I sleep with what I want, I have my space, and it's wonderful. This is how I've been my whole life. So, interestingly enough, like that translated to motherhood. And I and I don't believe now he's almost eight. I don't believe that I have less of a bond with him. I don't believe that I have less of a connection with him. I feel like we have a beautiful relationship, my baby and I. And I don't, I personally don't feel like I missed out on anything. But I'll tell you, Angie, that I have friends who couldn't lack, like they couldn't nurse um because their milk, you know, their supply was low, they had an issue, one had implants, so she couldn't, you know, she just it didn't, it didn't happen. And to date, they feel so guilty about it. And I wish that I could like go into their brains and like help them forgive themselves, you know, there's is nothing wrong, but man, that guilt is like heavy, heavy.

SPEAKER_03 13:24

Yes, and and that's uh that's a point of forgive ourselves because oh my god, we need to work on that. I mean, nowadays if I can just go back, you know, and and say, Oh, this moment, if I can just change this moment when I did this or say this or whatever. Nowadays I said that's who I was, that's who I was with the resources I had at the moment, and uh I did my best, right? And at that time with what I had, with what I had that time. So nowadays I am able to say okay, I'm not repeating those mistakes because now I know a little bit more, a little bit, because I'm still learning, but I am able to forgive myself and to say I don't need to feel guilty about this anymore. Not anymore.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Yes, absolutely, and there's something to say about how lonely it feels to in that moment because like for you for me, I can tell you that I have never felt more physically violent in my life than when I was up at three, four, five in the morning, yeah, and everybody sleeping, even my child, even my baby infant, beautiful angel baby was sleeping, but I had to get up and pump. I was I was like, yeah, no, I get why people, I get why moms lose their shit. Like I get, I get it now. Like it, it's it was such a triggering, and you know what? I know people now that like will say, well, if I'm up, then he's up. And then like they'll wake their their spouse up. And like I get it, like I get it. Like I get that like feeling of like I hate you, and so you're up with me, you know. But then like at the same time, I'm like, well, that's shit, because now both of you are tired as hell the next day. And then that leads to irritability, it leads to you know, short patience, and it that too can, you know, set like like put a gap in between you and your spouse that's supposed to be there to help you, he's supposed to be your partner, and you you know, or or even not not a um heterosexual relationship, even like two two women, two men, like say like your partner's your partner, and they're supposed to be there to help you and like help you up, you know. But if both of you are exhausted, yeah, that's like a time bomb too. But I get it. All that to say, like I get why they feel so like enraged that they're like, fuck you, man. Now you're up with me. I don't care. Just stare at me, you know? I don't even want to like don't talk to me because I hate your voice, but like just stare at me, you know, like I get it. Like it's so I I just it's such a crazy feeling.

SPEAKER_03 16:19

And I have no answers, I have no solutions. No, me neither. In that case, I uh yeah, I guess there were moments in the middle of the night when I was when I was nursing and I was looking at him sleeping, and my husband right next to me. And uh, well, the thing is that he woke up because as soon as I put my baby back into his uh cradle, which it was uh something that we didn't end up ending up using at the at the end because as soon as we put him in the cradle, he woke up crying again. So I said, now is your turn. I just nurse nurse him. So now you go. And he older woke up in the middle of the night, and you know, he needed to like run jump around the cradle, at 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. in the morning. So that was the only way the baby could sleep, could hold it. I mean, yeah, and and and we did that a lot. I mean, and that was like a like a team thing, yeah. Like okay, that happened a lot, but when it didn't happen, okay, we went back to sleep. But most of the times it was like, you know, everything is perfect. He's he's okay, he's he's asleep, asleep, going, putting in the in the cradle, and oh my god, no. That's like the worst feeling. And that's that's how it how it was. But he he didn't need to be prompted. He he got it and he said, Okay, yeah, I'll do it. I love that. I didn't feel like it was like something like now you do it, because you know, I just did this, now you go, no. Well, he he he he he did it because he knew he needed to do it.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Uh no, Ulit is uh Ulit is a is a wonderful dad and a wonderful partner in that in that sense. Because I, you know, and I'll say that Mike was as well, uh 100%. Like he was he was there with me and for me. We I want to say uh, you know, I say luck, he says no. It was a very deliberate thing. You know, Mike is a very practical person, but I I think there was a little bit of luck in that that I was able to get my baby to to sleep through the night very early on. It's not a normal thing. Don't moms, don't put pressure on yourself if that's not your story, because that's it's just it just it's a every kid is different, you know, and and my kid just happened to fall in line, you know, relatively quickly. But that but again, the same thing happened, like it wasn't him, it was that I I had to pump. Your boobs just hurt, so you have to get up no matter what. And that's the part where you start to like almost turn on yourself, and that's how I felt as well. Where I was like turning on myself, and I was like feeling really angry at my body, and that I had to go through all of this. Like, my body is so different, it's so foreign to me. I don't recognize it, it hurts, and everyone around me just snaps back, you know. Like that was the feeling. Like, man, like nobody's life changed here. Like everybody is exactly where they were before this child came. And I am an alien, you know. That was the feeling. Yep. And that also leads to guilt, you know, because then you're like, wait, but you should love your body because your body just did something miraculous and it just, you know, brought brought life, you know, and and it you you wouldn't have your baby if it wasn't for your body that knew exactly what to do and how to do it and brought this baby to life. It but you're just like, ew, you know, like no, it's not my body anymore. It's something else. Like it just I just remember of all of this, I can summarize it as just physical and emotional and mental exhaustion. It that's it. Like you're just exhausted from all of these things on top of I need to get my body back. I need to, you know, I need to dedicate time to my husband. I I can't just neglect him. I can't just become a mom and I need to work out and I need to go back to work and I need to, you know, uh um make sure that my son is alive, right? Like I need to make sure he's got everything, you know, it's all of these things. Like, I just was that the first time that you experienced mom guilt, Angie? That the with the nursing and just like that moment?

SPEAKER_03 20:37

Um, yeah, that was one of the times. The second time, I guess, was was when I needed to go back to work. And I I I I didn't have like a schedule go five days a week and as covers. I did it um like once or twice a week because I was I was doing some programs, I mean some TV shows, and I needed to look for someone uh reliable to to for taking care of him, right? Because my husband also was working, and it was like, okay, what what should I do now? No, it's like um my mom wasn't able to take care of him because she was struggling with her own situation of the cancer and the thing, and it was very complicated for her. And my dad was working as well, I mean, from eight to eight, so it was like no one else, right? So fortunately, I had very, very beautiful neighbors around, and my neighbor from next door, she was uh uh she's her name is Garo, and we love her because she she was like a second mom for for for me and for my baby because she was taking care of him. She just uh took her uh his stuff, uh I mean right next door, you know? And she took care of him like for let's say five hours or six hours, six hours in a row, and I was rushing back.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

again when i when i finished my my thing i was just rushing i want to see my baby and also because my boobs were exploding yeah right so i was like i need to go back to my baby now so please let me let me go and as soon as i i got her uh i get there sorry my baby was happy he was okay and and i was like okay this is a the perfect perfect person i mean who i can trust with my baby and she has all my trust and we still talk you know we we still talk her birthday i mean uh christmas and we really we really cherish that uh friendship and support that she gave me really i love that i love that i had the i had the luck of my mother you know my mom came from new jersey she didn't live here at the time and she came down and the the go the joke in the family was that she was supposed to come down for the first like two months Joey said like those first two months are really hard I'm gonna be here for the first two months home girl stayed seven months and would refuse to go home again and my dad would call and be like hey hi are you coming home and every time it would be something different I know it's just the baby is starting to eat you know purees and I want to be here for that and then it was I know he's you know his little tooth is coming in he's gonna I'm sure he's not gonna feel well so you know nothing nothing happened by the way the baby like never everything was fine but she was like no his little tooth is coming in I got anything I know more can't you believe it he's crawling I'm not gonna miss crawling so like now we gotta stay for that and then I he's going to daycare that was the big one that was the one where I was finally like okay mommy like he's going to daycare I like you have to go home you know and she was like okay I mean she was with me when we took him on the first day she was with me you know crying with me when we left him and right I can't imagine I cannot imagine this that phase of becoming a mom without my mom. I I don't know and I I only wish that the people that the people that I love had that you know could have that same experience and for the ones that don't I always feel so hard like so heartbroken because it is something so special and um and not not something I ever take for granted you know I I will forever say man that was yeah and that takes me to remember one moment because okay even if my mom couldn't be with me most of the time she was there the the day my baby was born she was there she was there she made it and she was the happiest grandmother ever but uh there was a moment when I was changing diapers in the middle of the night that I said I need to call my mom the next morning and I did and I said mom thank you for everything thank you for everything you did for me and and this is emotional because it's just in that moment when you realize how much how everything that surrounds a parent but especially a mom right and you get to be grateful because you know all that they have done for you especially your mom so I said thank you mom thank you for every night for every night for everything yes yes and and thank you and thank you Angie thank you you made me cry too bitch no but seriously that's so important because and and and add on to that that our parents had even more limited means and more limited resources and education around raising a child and they still did a kick ass job with all of the limited means you know that's like some that's also something that to me is like man these people are these people are like super people you know like it's incredible that they did all of it you know in this way you know but that that first phase of motherhood yes I'll say was like the toughest I think you're right about that first year being like you're oof like it like almost tears you open it rips you open you know and and you're just you've never felt that much love ever ever ever in your life that is the purest love in the world you've never felt so much devotion in your life before you're 100% devoted to this little human you've never felt so much you know like affection and just like happiness at the fact that this little human is all yours right like there is no his little world is you that's it you know and that feels so like empowering and beautiful and you feel like wow and at that same exact time simultaneously you feel alone and lost and so scared every single day every hour your brain learns to multitask in ways you never thought possible you know ever and and you know for for us that we've worked our entire lives like we multitask it's part of our it's it's part of everybody's job description you know and you feel like you got it there is no comparison to the way you have to multitask when you become a mom you know the the the minutia of the day and how it how it has to flow in a in almost a perfect way for you to get through it um is just so overwhelming at the same time you know and and for any you know for for those that are listening I think that's one of the biggest lessons of this episode is those two things can exist at the same time right like you don't have to feel like you have it all together in order to love right and you don't feel like you have to love unconditionally when you're feeling all these other things you know and I I think that's what I think it's that's a way to to your point to forgive yourself and to just say I'm okay to exist in these two worlds at the same time it's fine right absolutely absolutely and there's always a friend who comes and says you're not alone you are doing it right what what what was is there something that a friend told you once that made you feel like you were doing it good I mean is was there a moment that you can remember you know what Angie I I don't have one and that makes me a little sad. I was very I we had moved from New Jersey so a lot of my friends back home were also going through motherhood at the same time so we'll we'll say that like we all became moms at around the same time um I hold I hold no no resentment uh towards what I'm about to say because that's not that's not what it is. I think all of us were just going through it at the same time, you know and there was you know people going through I remember like separations and divorce and like big big life stuff work stuff um you know leaving jobs starting jobs starting businesses and and uh moving from one place to another and and you know there were some postpartum in there I think in some of my friends and and you know there was like a lot everything it just life got really heavy right that's the 30s those those are the 30s of everybody right like just things get really serious like they stop being you stop feeling like you have latitude to make as many mistakes as when you were in your 20s and so life becomes really heavy um and so I went through pregnancy and IVF and I felt very like alone but almost like on purpose like it was very much a Mike me and Mike thing like we wanted it to be like right there just us. And and I don't remember really ever talking to anyone having that friend to say like hey I'm overwhelmed or I'm I'm not feeling this I'm feeling like a lot I it was I felt very much a pressure to make it look like I had it all together. Right.

SPEAKER_03 30:13

Wow so I don't I don't remember a friend that was ever like hey I I remember one um a mentor actually a a mentor that I have from work um that she she if she's listening her name is just Sarah and I do remember that she would send me a text message almost every day that first like month or so and she was like you're doing a great job you got this like almost almost every day you're doing a great job you got this um I remember that but I I don't really remember what about you oh well uh I think um when I when I started like uh trying to find a group of people who were nursing also and um we were into the same thing I found I found a very um a meeting somewhere close to my where I was living and uh there were a lot of friends actresses actually that they were in that group and they were moms and and some of some of us met each other you know like casually in an in commercials or whatever we were doing other projects and then we said okay we are moms we're nursing we are actress okay let's do a a chat uh what's up chat and start complaining there uh there about everything you know like we call it the salgometro which is like how do you say that in English like uh the salgometro where everybody like uh oh man like uh like a like honestly like a vent session like a vent event session exactly and and you know we something happened uh with our husband with the cat with the dog whatever and we were like okay I need to tell you this you know this morning blah blah blah and we were like no don't worry you got this you know we were supporting each other and we we uh met every month personally I mean in person and we brought our babies they they started to make some friendships what they were really that'd be two years old one year old I mean babies babies and um and nowadays uh I keep talking to them obviously with the chat and uh I mean we're still friends we are still a group of moms that that we've been growing together since we became moms and that to me that was so important because I I hardly get out of my house if if it wasn't for these meetings you know and it was like okay it's my Friday morning I'm going to my friends I'm going to with my baby in his um carito in uh you know stroller in his stroller and I walked a few blocks and I was there and I was there for like three hours and we were like oh my god this is feels so good you know because all the moms had to talk to chance about their experiences and and everything was like okay we are not alone that was so important to me ah that yeah no and I I can absolutely see that I didn't I developed I I was very like anti-making new friends too when I was when I had the baby um I felt overwhelmed you know I felt overwhelmed and over overstimulated with like everything and I was just like listen so like the idea of making friends right now is so foreign to me like I I don't want it and it was actually Mike it was Mike Mike was the one that said hey number one you should join the gym because I think you're gonna feel better you I think you're gonna you feel better about like moving your body and and and we said we had made a commitment that we were gonna not lose ourselves because that's what I said to I do remember having that very specific conversation with him as I was like exploding on the couch like two weeks before the baby came and I was like hey no matter what I say to you no matter how angry I get no matter how much I fight you please remind me that I was like a singer I was a professional an HR professional that I was that I loved the gym that I loved working out like remind me of that if I lose my way and so he was like militant about that of reminding me you know hey come back come back come back come back and so I went back to the gym and it was through like gym friends that I met my Sparkles and I met Maria and like this now group of friends that I have um that are you know some of my best friends and I I almost I talked about them every single episode because they they always they fit all of these like phases of my life so perfectly um and that's when I started to learn that I can like confide in these people and that their experiences can help me and my experiences can help them.

SPEAKER_00 34:39

And you know Maria's a little bit older than me. So that gave me that perspective too of like you know she calls it the I think she called it the asshole years of the babies like between like four and seven or if I'm if I'm right I think it's like between four and seven. So when my baby started going into that phase and I would tell her like we know like this the bean is like really you know he's testing me she would remind me like oh I told you the asshole years but she also followed up with but here's a tip you know here's how I handled it and like that gave me that perspective right of like wow that's the support that helps right like that's the support or even just like it's okay it's it's fucked up like you know like it's okay like I get it you know and and no no follow up no solution I'm a fixer so I'm used to people trying to fix because I try to fix right and I I also learned in this phase that sometimes it's okay for people to just say hey that sucks you know that sucks feel it it's okay that sucks and that's it like it's so important to have that work that group of friends too and that everything and I mean nothing has to be perfect.

SPEAKER_03 35:50

I mean when you are looking for perfection or you are pursuing perfection you fail most of the times I mean yes and and you feel frustrated because of that but but you see no you I need to do this okay step A step two step B I no you what I've learned so far is that I need to go with the flow yes sometimes at the end of the day I'm tired mostly at the end of the day you know when we when we want our babies go to bed and as soon as he as they put the the the head in the pillow fall asleep no that one happens they want to talk you know they want to tell you how the day was at that moment and I say okay this is a moment I need to share cherish because he is opening his his heart and his mind to talk to me for the for the most important things that happen to him during the day so you know go with it talk to him listen to him that's that's the verb that I need to remind all the time listen before talking because when they talk it's because they want to talk and they want to communicate things to us and if we shut them down or questioning us you know with a lot of things or why did you do that? Oh how silly you know oh criticize them oh forget it you're gonna lose them yes the most important lesson now is listen to him connect with him with the eyes yes I mean get involved with the things he likes even if you don't like them I mean I I I didn't like soccer at all you know but now I'm a soccer mom I'm you know I go to the soccer and I yell at him in a well yell in a good way you know cheering and it's like yeah yeah you know go Changito you know and I've never been enthusiastic about soccer but now I am uh video games okay like I'm not that enthusiastic about that but I they spent like two hours three hours at most every week and that's their time and I quit asked him what how it was did you did you good have a good session with your dad oh yeah it was like this like that you know get involved with them yes and that's what we need to do even more importantly facing puberty ay Dios me because that's another episode Erica that's another episode I know no no no no no I'm not ready for that one we're not gonna talk about that one yet I and every time you do this to me I always get like so scary you know you she always says she's like yeah I know I know I know I know but you have to you know and that's that's why you know me and Angie are are the friends that we are we're we're valuable friends to each other because I'm I'm following you know you're you have an older son you have a uh a you're further along in this experience and I just latch on to you I just like whatever I'm just gonna learn as much as I can and I find you to be such a valuable friend to me for that reason because I literally I literally like you you know I I'll text you like I my goodness Aiden had this question or he did this or he did that like you know I I would be lost I would be lost you know I because again and my mother and I love my mother and she's she's a provider and she's a nurturer she and she likes to be um she likes to feel needed right and but in that same breath I always tell her now that we're able to have these like adult conversations with each other I always say you know you lost yourself though you know like she she had no other job in her life but to be a mom to her four children right and she spaced them out so much because we have so many years in between each one of us that she was a mom for her entire life.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

So now she's you know quote unquote alone with my with my dad but she almost feels like well what do I do I don't have a hobby I don't have anything that I like my happiness is fully dependent on my four children being okay being healthy being good and that makes me so sad you know and and I tell her all the time like well this is your opportunity to like learn about yourself but she has she doesn't have that sense of identity so she says I don't need to do I don't need that that's what she says I don't need that I feel totally fulfilled you know and and there's a part of me that's just like you only feel fulfilled because you don't know the other side right like you don't know that other piece um and that was something that was so important to me was I don't want to lose my sense of identity right and again I cannot stress enough I think I've said this in every episode too like I cannot stress enough the importance of finding the right partner that holds you down in these times where you feel like you're lost and confused and broken and they wait for you to come back and they and they are part of that reconstruction right of that reinvention. They're they're fully a part of it they fully support you they bring you back to your hobbies and they say look this is this is where you are this keep going right and that was Mike for me right that was Mike like I you know go back to the band go back you know go back to the band he was always said it like go back to the band the baby will be fine you know and and go back to reading and go back to the gym and go back let's make this festival right that was let's let's start this festival because you know and let's do all this stuff and let's just let's get back to you you know and that was so so helpful and I can't you know and even though we went through like our hard time in that first year of like getting almost like reconnecting I'm so happy that he I'm so glad that he stuck around you know and that he and that he didn't give up right because that's you see a lot of that right Angie you see a lot of like separations and divorce happen in that first like one or two years which I used to in full full honesty I used to criticize you know I but like they're so weak like they're so like then that marriage you know then that relationship wasn't strong enough right if it didn't make it it wasn't because you we like to run our mouths when we don't know right and then you're in it and then I was like oh you know what now is it well maybe yes yes yeah now I can see why you know and and like I you know and so you you hope that you have a partner that is there for you and that's like hey we're gonna go through this together you know yeah yeah absolutely and and for them maybe not that easy because they are not carrying the baby the nine months right in their in their womb they they they they start being parent deaths uh after the baby is born and and and and since the very moment you know you're pregnant you know you you know you're a mom you you feel it and then it's everything starts to change since that very first moment and for them it takes longer and that's why sometimes it's hard and that's what sometimes maybe some couples think you know let's let's let's break this together I don't want to be with you you are not helping but those are the hardest years I guess the two first or three first years yes most of the couples say I can't deal with this and also I think for me and I think this will resonate with some people is I I I personally became like obsessed with Mike during our pregnancy like I I would like it was crazy like it was I thought he was perfect and and I remember just like wrapping myself around him and he's also not somebody that likes to be touched a lot so I he was very kind he was very kind that he wasn't like can you sit over there because I was like I was on top of him and I would smell him it was just I remember do you remember this like before you call me that yeah I would sniff him and I was like oh my god he smells so good and he was like ah like it was crazy right and I all of my attention was on him and I just I loved him it it was the love was just like overpowering me. Wow wow and then the baby's born and then it was all of this resentment and I'm sure like all of This, like, you're not doing it right. Like, move over. I got this. Like, you're, you know, and these expectations, and no matter what he did, it wasn't enough. It wasn't good enough. And, you know, you're you're fighting over, like, but I told you to do this, and you didn't do this, and you're not helping because you never, and you know, the the generalizations come up, right? You never, and I always, right? And that's poison, right? That's poison for any argument. And I remember that we went for a walk one time, and he was like, you know, what really hurts me is that you you continue to post on social media that you love me. Because I would post like anniversaries and birthdays and stuff, and I would write all these beautiful things about him and saying, like, he's the love of my life, and blah blah blah. And he goes, but that's not how you're treating me in real life. So I feel like you're you're doing something on social media, but you're a different human. And I want I prefer it the other way. I prefer you to be quiet on social media because that doesn't mean shit to me. And I I would prefer that you show up for me here. And that was such a wake-up call for me because I was like, I'm being performative. It is, it's true. I'm I'm performing back to what I said earlier about like putting on a brave face and like I got this. I was doing it in every facet of my life, but I was neglecting the one person that was trying to help me, you know, that that person that's my partner. And I never recognized how hard it must have been for him to adjust to I'm gonna say, I'm gonna use air quotes and say losing me because he didn't lose me, but that change of not having me the 24 hour, seven days, and now having to share me with our son. Yeah, I never considered that transition and I never gave him the opportunity to adjust to that. I I just wanted it to be immediate, and that that I still am so sad about that, even though, again, to your point, I forgive myself and we've moved on from it. I still often look back at that and I go, that must have been so hard for him. You know? Oh, and all right. What's something you're proud of as a mom right now?

SPEAKER_03 46:11

Proud as a mom right now. Well, that I can that I can be silly most of the time and laugh about silly things. I mean, like make silly noises, silly voices. Have fun with my with my boy. He's growing, he's starting to be like, oh my mom, please, he's starting with that, and and it's okay, okay. I get it, I get it, but I but I kind of have fun, and he has he still had fun with that, so I'm enjoying that a lot. And something that I learned to be is is to be present, is to be here and now today. That's something I learned with motherhood, learned with motherhood, and something that my acting teachers told me all the time, and I've never, never, ever understood that till the very moment that I was with my baby, holding holding him in my arms and nursing him, and was like, oh my god, this is being present. This is right here, right now. This what this is what it means, nothing else, not the future, not the past. So that's that's for me. Well, be being silly now. If I if I answered your question and I answered another one, then you're gonna answer you. But I just wanted to say it, you know, it's for me. That's what matters today. To be funny and silly with my with my son and and just hear him laugh. That's my treasure today.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

That's the best. That is literally the best. You're absolutely right. Um, I'm I'm probably gonna say what I'm most proud of um as a mom right now is uh I have learned to be very authentic. So what I mean by that is I I am proud that I am able to teach him life lessons through example. So if I'm telling him, don't, you know, I this is the best decision for you, you should, you know, I think that you should be doing XYZ, that he can turn around and look at me and say, that's that's true because that's how my mom does it. You know what I mean? And not have to say, you know, the famous do as I say, not as I do, right? You know, that's it, that exists in English and Spanish, right? Uh, you know, it's uh that I say do as I do, right? Yeah, and I'm very proud of that. And it's so hard, you guys. And it's like it's so hard because you so badly want to just like, you know, like like not not say lie, but like say something that's you know that'll just get them to do the thing as quickly as possible. And and you know, but but I I feel so much better when I'm able to show him the example because that's what that's what matters, that's what counts.

SPEAKER_03 48:55

They they do what they see you do every day, not what you see, not what you tell them to do. And yes, that that's what totally matters. I mean, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:04

So I'm proud of that. Um, okay, so I'm gonna have just a few fun questions to end the session because I think this is like a fun way to do it. This would be quick answers, okay. Oh my god, okay.

SPEAKER_02 49:15

I'll try.

SPEAKER_00 49:16

I'll try my best. Okay, okay. A good mom is someone who listens. I I love that.

SPEAKER_03 49:24

Absolutely, and I've learned that the hard way, you know, because I I used to be the perfect moment. No, no, no, it used to be like no no no no no no no no no guys, listen to your boy.

SPEAKER_00 49:36

I love that, love that. A hard day of motherhood usually ends with oh yeah, uh I'm gonna be positive about this.

SPEAKER_03 49:51

Usually ends up with my my boy telling me something important in his day. I mean, that's the way I like to end it up with him on bed, with the lights off, and me uh joining by his side, and he telling me something important and saying, Okay, good. I'm gonna shut my mouth and I'm gonna listen. I love that I'm in that trail, you know, listening and enjoying.

SPEAKER_00 50:16

I love that. A hard day of motherhood for me usually ends with ice cream. Yeah, in my bed, ice cream, that was hard. That was a hard day.

SPEAKER_03 50:29

Yes, well, to me, okay, with a good with a good movie in uh Netflix or oh yes in the street services with with yes, yes, any good chapter of anything I'd like to see, watch.

SPEAKER_00 50:39

Yeah, love that. Something only moms understand. Do you do it, Derek, for me, please? Do it and then I'll yeah, oh my god, because something only moms understand. I think is I I want to say, I want to say exhaustion. I I think we have a way of of just understanding and working through exhaustion and still being and still showing up, and exhaustion, exhaustion, sorry, and functionality at the same time.

SPEAKER_03 51:07

I mean, they go together, you know. It's like even if you're exhausted, you are you're still going on. Yes, I don't know how we do it. We have superpowers for sure.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

Super women, super women.

SPEAKER_03 51:20

Last one, the best part of motherhood is laughing about silly things, and really, it's what I'm enjoying the most. Yes, yes, I agree, I agree.

SPEAKER_00 51:31

Learning every day, also yes, yes, and about our babies, and just like oh, it's so it's so hard. So hard.

SPEAKER_03 51:41

There's something my baby, I'm I'm you know, I use words, bad words, let's say. I mean, most of the time I'm like, I you know this, but I'm not gonna say it here, but okay, you know, you know how I am. Well, sometimes I just say and my son is like mouth or words. I don't know how what he says to me, but it's like mouth, your word mommy. He's like, Oh my god, yes, baby, I'm sorry. You know, that he's not following my example in that way. He knows that it's okay, and he's telling me, please, language, he tells me language, mom, and I was like, Yes, sorry, baby.

SPEAKER_00 52:18

I love that. My our baby does that, our baby does that too. Mommy, you can't say that. Mommy, you can't say that. But you see, I mean, old.

SPEAKER_01 52:31

I know I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 52:33

I am so bad. I literally, I like I'll literally be sitting there and he'll say, like, mommy, can you help me with this? This like this Lego, Legos is, you know, it doesn't fit here. And I go, okay, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, and I can't do it. I'm like, I mean, what is that mierda no sirbe? Mommy, you can't say that sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. And you know, but like it's it's it's it's beautiful that you're right that he's not following in that example, because that's the most important thing. So back to what I said about oh, I live by my example. I suck at that one. Yeah, that's the part I suck at that one really bad. Um, but to any of my friends who would ever meet me, you know, who would ever see me again and have a conversation with me, and I start saying, like, oh, shucks, or oh darn, or oh brother, 100% my friends are gonna be like, uh, we need a 72-hour hold on her, please. We uh psychiatry, thank you. There's not a chance.

SPEAKER_03 53:27

Yeah, exactly. And I guess, yeah, yeah, they know, and our little ones know. That's why they don't replicate that, but they know and they're having fun too. And it's like, mommy, I know, yeah, yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

So, bottom line, maybe the goal isn't to be a perfect mom. Absolutely, maybe it's just to be a real one. Oh, yeah, I love that. I think that's the I think that's the message for today. Angie, thank you so, so, so much. This was a beautiful conversation, as always. To all the mamas out there, I hope this gives you just a little bit of peace. I hope that y'all forgive yourselves. Forgive, forgive, forgive. That's the main, the main goal there. You're doing a beautiful job. I'll I'll follow my mentor's advice on that one. You guys got this, you're doing a beautiful job. Thank you for coming onto this podcast and listening to us blabber on about all the things. Um, please like, share, subscribe, do all the things, and we'll be back next week. Thank you, Angie. I love you. Thank you. I love you too. Bye bye. Bye. Hey, thanks for hanging out with me on Not Your Southern Chick. If you love this conversation, hit follow, share it with a friend, and let's keep breaking the mold together. Until next time, stay loud, stay real, stay fuerte como el cafecito.