NYSC: Who Am I Outside of What I Do for Everyone Else?

In this solo episode, I'm sitting with a question that I think a lot of women carry quietly: Who am I outside of what I do for everyone else?

So much of life can become about roles, responsibilities, and being needed - as a mom, a partner, a friend, a worker, a caretaker. And while those roles can be meaningful, they can also make it easy to lose touch with the quieter parts of ourselves.

In this conversation, I reflect on identity, the subtle ways we drift from ourselves, the guilt that can come with choosing our own needs, and the small things that help us reconnect to who we are underneath all the doing.

This one is personal, honest, and for anyone who has ever loved their life deeply while still wondering where they are in the middle of it all.

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Transcript

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Welcome to Not Your Southern Chick. The podcast for no topic is off-limits. America, a Colombian woman raising a kid and raising hell in the South. Around here, we talk life, love, friendship, menopause, and everything in between. Laughter, honesty, and zero apologies. Let's get into it. Hello everybody, and welcome to a special episode 10 of Not Your Southern Chick. Um, it's actually just me today, uh, which I was super excited about. I actually um am super nervous uh because usually I have uh another person that I can bounce ideas off of and ask questions, or really it's it's just me this time. And I wanted to take this opportunity to kind of just talk to everybody. And number one, I wanted to just say thank you so much to those who continue to listen. Um I'm not growing this uh with any sort of purpose in mind. I don't intend uh for this to become this global thing or anything like that. This is just um a passion project that I've had for a long time. And I mentioned it on the first episode and a way for me to, you know, sort of just talk about the things that I want to talk about, things that I hope help. Um, and you know, if I've said it from the beginning, if there's one person out there that, you know, gets a little bit of relief or feels a little more seen or heard after all of the episodes that we've uh, you know, released up until this point with some of the amazing guests that I've had on and my beautiful friends that have joined me on this ride. Uh, if they get anything out of it, I'm just thrilled to hear that. So, you know, keep the comments coming, keep the positive and constructive feedback coming. I love to hear it. Um and yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the support. Today I wanted to talk about something that I think has been another topic that a lot of my girlfriends have have raised to me. And it's kind of like, who am I outside of what I do for everyone else? Right. And I, you know, I hope that that's a moment for y'all to pause and just kind of take a deep breath and go, yes, right. And I think it's really a fun topic to talk about on the back of, you know, the past couple months that I've had in my personal life with my family, uh, where we had spring break, and before that we had our beautiful trip to Mexico. And I started to think about all of the things that go into planning, you know, these uh these big sort of family vacations and um the the reliance on on each one of us to kind of do our part for the vacations to go well, but really, you know, how much I pour into these things. And I I want to put a big disclaimer on this uh episode because it's this is not me venting and this is not me being unhappy with my life. I am so happy with the life that we've built, you know, along with my husband and my beautiful baby. And for anyone who knows me, they know that I am obsessed with the man. Um, but it's really just a way to think through that, right? Because I don't know, I've been sitting with this question. I think a lot of women carry this question a lot, especially moms, especially women who are needed by a lot of people. Uh, and you know, that question is again, who am I outside of what I do for everyone else? Um, not as a mom, not as a partner, not as the reliable one, not as the one who keeps everything moving, but me, who am I? Right. And like I said, I don't I don't say this from a place of unhappiness. I say it from a place of curiosity, right? Because I think it is possible to love your life and still realize that parts of you have gotten quieter. And that's kind of where I am right now. And I, you know, we jump right in. I mean, I think it's a conversation I've been having with a lot of my close girlfriends. We've been talking about perimenopause, and we've covered it for a couple of episodes already. You know, it it puts such a big press, you know, just just a big whirlwind of emotions when it comes to perimenopause and the irritability and the fatigue and the brain fog and all of that stuff. Um, it's it's it's hard. It's super hard. And the world keeps spinning and everyone keeps uh, you know, needing you. And especially, you know, with my son being seven, he's going through this uh amazing developmental phase where he's curious about his body and he's feeling different things, and he's I think he's starting to, you know, gain a lot of interest in girls and and you know, he's you know, pointing that out a whole lot and and saying, you know, yeah, this person's pretty. And you know, I think it's all of these beautiful emotions that I'm trying really hard to to sift through. And and and there's frustration that comes with that too, right? Because he's not my little boy anymore. And you know, the questions are are less and less about superheroes and um slime and Legos, and it's more about uh, you know, did I do something wrong? Or you know, I'm embarrassed about this, why, right? He's curious about the feelings that he has. Um and and so there you are again, you're you're jumping into this next phase of child development where you're you're being needed but in a different way. It's not anymore, you know, about cleaning uh dirty hands and dirty faces and and picking them up when they get hurt. It's now bigger feelings and and deeper feelings. Um, and I'm frustrated sometimes that I don't have the right words to help him, you know, navigate that. And I'm frustrated because sometimes there's a big realization that I'm not gonna be able to help him through that. And that is something I am uh I'm really struggling with, you guys. Uh, and I hope that I am not alone in that, and I know that I'm not. Um, and so that that's really heavy for me right now. But sometimes life gets so full and so heavy that you kind of stop checking in on yourself or checking in with yourself, right? And and I don't ever want to lose that. And I remember in one of the last episodes, I had said that I had a conversation with Mike before the baby came to be. And I said to him, like, don't let me lose myself, right? Like, remind me of all the things that I really loved that I used to do so that I don't lose myself. And I have personally been so fortunate that I've had the support system in my life to be able to lean on friends and family for that support so that I could carve out time for the festival and for my band and for this podcast and for all the things that I do in my life. But, you know, I know that there's a lot of women out there that are doing it completely on their own. Uh, some are, you know, devoted mothers, devoted partners, uh, and some are struggling. They're struggling through finding that balance. So I hope, I hope that you take this time and I hope that you take this little podcast moment uh as you're listening to the episode and you're, you know, taking that deep breath and uh and and checking in with yourself. I hope that you're doing this as we speak right now, as I'm checking in with myself right now. Gosh, I and I think that's what I've been noticing lately. Not some dramatic loss of self, but more of a quiet drifting. And gosh, even as I say that, it sounds so negative. And I'm gonna really do my best in this in this episode to to rip that open, right? And to say it is okay to see parts of yourself drifting away from you and and you just taking that pause and finding that time to reclaim that back, right? So, you know, it's important to not feel like that's wrong and to not feel like you've done something wrong by feeling that way. Um, because it's it's not, it's a natural progression of becoming a mom and a wife and a partner in different, you know, areas, and it's it's totally normal that life keeps coming at us um at a extraordinarily quick pace, and you still want to try to show up for everybody, and you want to, you know, fix, and you, especially me, right? I'm a fixer, so it's okay to feel like you you have to show up and then feel guilty that you're not showing up for yourself. Like that part is okay. What's what's not okay is seeing that drift, watching it, and allowing it, and not checking back in with yourself and saying, Hey, like what am I besides a mom, a wife, an employee, a daughter, a friend, a caretaker, an organizer, an emotional anchor, right? All of these things. It's not okay to not give yourself like who am I? Right. And I've had this conversation with friends in the past where I go, you know, from myself, one of the things that I was really nervous about when I became a mom was, was I going to turn into just a mom? Right. And and I was so deliberate about that when the baby was born. Um, and and I don't, I didn't read this anywhere, at least I not that I know of, and maybe it is written somewhere, but I just remember telling Mike, like, hey, remind me as the baby starts to communicate with words, remind me to uh not say things like, hey, mommy is sad, or mommy doesn't want to do that, or you hurt mommy's feelings. To me, when I was number one, I just wasn't raised that way. And I don't, I don't think in our culture that exists. Uh, maybe it does now, but it just it didn't exist when I was growing up. Um but also it just felt like it felt like it wasn't me. It felt like we were talking about someone else. Um, like that mom is this, this other person in the room. And I didn't want that. I wanted the baby to see me as a human, right? And yes, I am your mother, but I'm also a human being, right? So I from a very early age, I remember telling the baby, hey, you hurt me. Um, hey, I need I need this from you. Hey, I'm telling you to come here, you know, and do this, or uh, I need you to stop for this and this reason, and explaining the why, because explaining the why is really critical for kids, right? And I don't know if that made a difference. I don't know, you know, it's worked for us in our family. You know, I I've seen that recognition, especially as the baby gets older. I've seen that recognition in his eyes that, oh, you know, my mom is a human, is not she's not just for me, right? And and I just, you know, see that a lot in in parents who, and this is mom and dads. Um, we're gonna focus on the mamas though today. I see a lot of that loss of identity and a uh just a total embrace of the mom at the expense of all of the other things. And they almost uh wear it like a like a badge, right? And it also to me feels like it's it becomes a quick excuse for why we are neglecting ourselves in all the other areas, right? I can't do X, Y, Z because I'm a mom, right? The mom thing comes first, and I and it's almost like you feel guilty if you don't prioritize the mom thing because that is what's expected of you. You're expected to be that mom, and you're expected to feed them all the great things and and do all the you know the the spirit week stuff at at school and you know dress them up in all the themes that they want and you know at the school and the the science projects, these they have to be the best of the best, right? And their little lunches have to be a perfect blend of protein and carbs and sugars, and you know, we're we're waking up at five in the morning to get it all gathered up because the baby has to come first, and that's okay. And and if you do that and you're able to do that, that is fucking fantastic. And I I admire that so much, but not at the expense of yourself. And and I've said that to a lot of my friends, you know, I I feel sad when I see how exhausted moms look and how exhausted they feel because they're not giving themselves an opportunity to prioritize themselves. And I want to stop there and say, I this is not a shame on moms who are doing that and that are, you know, choosing to prioritize their children and just this era of their lives. And I know people that are like full-on moms and they fucking love every second of it and they want that's what they want to be, and that's their identity for the next you know, five, 10 years that they have their two, three kids kind of back to back, and that's awesome, like cool, you know, and that isn't there's no shame in that. Um I'm simply talking about that other perspective and just asking the question, right? What if, right? What if you can do both things? What if you can find that balance, right? You know, it's it and and it starts with an introduction, right? It and I ask that everyone just sort of pause and and think about that, right? How do you introduce yourself? You know, I'm I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I work, I do this, I keep this together. All of that is real, you know, but I think sometimes the deeper question becomes who am I underneath all of that? Who am I when nobody needs anything from me? Um, does that make you uncomfortable? Right. And and it's that pause that I hope people are are taking the time, right? And as as your children get older and you have that opportunity to explore that, that you re, you know, you you can reconnect with that person, right? Because all of us were somebody before we became a mom and a wife, and you know, all of the things that are pulling us towards that right now. All of us were someone else. Um, you know, and I and I don't think that this always looks like a crisis either. Sometimes it just looks like realizing you haven't asked yourself what you want in a long time, you know, or noticing that most of your energy go goes towards being useful, responsive, available. And again, that doesn't mean that something's wrong. It just means that there may be parts of you asking for a little more room, right? So, you know, for me right now in this era, it was obviously addressing the the fatigue that I was feeling, the irritability that I was feeling, the brain fog. I wasn't sleeping. I was doing, it seemed like on paper I was doing all the right things. I was eating, you know, at all of the right things. I was drinking my gallon of water, I was working out six, seven times a week. I was, you know, doing all the things in a perfect blend of workouts, right? With the strength and cardio and, you know, lifting heavy because that's, you know, the thing, and and all, you know, working out those muscles. And I was doing all the things, and yet I was just completely unable to keep my head above water. And so for me, it was addressing that first. And then it was, okay, well, you know, we had the festival that took up, you know, four beautiful years of our lives, more than that, six years, but you know, we we don't count the two COVID years because that was crazy. Um, but we, you know, I had that and I had that, you know, creative bubble and that, you know, creative outlet that I, that I, you know, that I could tap into. And then there, you know, once we, once we stopped that, it was okay, well, what's next for me in terms of get getting that creativity out? And that's where this podcast was born. And so I am constantly looking for ways to reinvent myself and to not lose sight of the things that make me thrive. Um, because I do believe that doing that helps me to show up better for my family. Um, and that's really what this is about. This this small uh, you know, podcast episode is just a reminder for everybody that we don't have it all figured out. Nobody has the perfect answer. I hope that again, that you're just giving yourself that time and that space to breathe, and that you're giving yourself that space and that time to forgive yourself and to reconnect with yourself. You know, I think one of the hardest parts is that many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that that being a good mom means being available, right? Being giving, being selfless, being the one who can hold a lot. So when we try to reclaim even a little space for ourselves, it can bring up guilt, not because it's wrong, but because it's unfamiliar. Um, and the guilt thing we talked about a lot in the last episode, right? With with our beautiful Angie, where it's just like, you know, the moment that you choose yourself. And I and I do have a real story about this and something, you know, that will blend all of the cultural stuff that I've been trying to bring up in this uh with this podcast and just how people were raised and how I was raised. Um, I was raised by a mama, a super mama who raised four beautiful children. But, you know, I think I said it in the last episode, she her identity has always been and will forever be a mom. And, you know, here she is at, you know, almost 70 years old. And I I don't true, I truly don't believe that she understands herself and who she is because she became a mom so young and has always been a mom since then. But when my baby was born, you know, again, one of the things that I prioritized was my health. And so I wanted to get myself back aesthetically. Let's not lie, right? I wanted to make sure that I that my body looked good. Um, but I also just wanted to feel good. So I jumped right back into the gym and I found a gym at the time that had child care, and I would take him out of daycare and I would bring him to the gym, and he would stay another hour with someone that was that I could see right there as I was working out. I could see him, but he was there, and that hour was for me. And then we regrouped as a family, and then we did dinner together, bath, story time, and bed. Well, that was a very tough thing for my parents to understand. And so I had a very contentious conversation with my dad, actually, about four months, four, maybe six months after the baby was born, where he, you know, straight up told me, you know, you are you are neglecting him. And that hurt me so much. And obviously, I was very resentful for a very long time. And only after therapy did I learn to deal with that and to understand where he was coming from. Because again, his upbringing and what he saw in both his, I don't want to say his mama was a little sketch, but like from his wife for you know 47 years that they've been together, is devotion, you know, and and not making time for herself, but making full time for her kids. And so we always had three home-cooked meals. We always had everything that we needed for our development because my mom was there all the time. And he could not understand why I would choose something else. And it took a really long time for him to come to terms with the fact that how I was doing it and how I chose to raise my baby is not wrong. It's just different from what he knows. Uh, and that I will continue to prioritize my health and I will continue to prioritize that hour that I'm spending with myself. Uh, and and my baby will be okay. And he's gonna grow up and see that as a normal course of action. And he's going to grow up and say, yes, my mother dedicates time to herself, and she's fucking badass, right? For it. That's what I wanted because I want him to grow up and then find a partner that can flow with him and that won't be dependent on him, and that he won't be dependent on him or her, right? I have no idea where where he's gonna be, right? So I'm very open to all of that. It's all about these elections at such an early stage that you know, build who he's going to become. And it was very hard and it was a very, very contentious time. And I felt really guilty for a while. Like even though I was set in my ways and I knew that this is what I wanted to do, you guys, like the guilt didn't leave, right? The guilt was still there, but I I went, I got through it, you know, and that was the most important thing for me is I just I needed to reconnect with myself. Even if I took steps back and then, you know, a couple steps forward, I still needed that. That was, you know, that was really important for me. And and that's where I felt most like myself, right? That's where I was able to reconnect with who I was before this beautiful being came into my life. And before I became a mom, which is such an amazing thing, you know, these things brought me back to myself, you know, and and again, reconnecting to yourself, it's it doesn't have to be dramatic. It's sometimes it's very small. It's not just, you know, it's not joining a gym and going, you know, it's not joining CrossFit, you guys, right? It's not like, or what's that, what's that new thing? Hyrux, right? Like it's not going and beating the fuck out of yourself. It's not going and buying uh thousands of you know of dollars in in Peloton bikes or you know, $300 a month uh subscriptions or uh memberships to the the next trendy thing, right? Pilates and listen, if you do all that and that works for you, fucking awesome, go for it. But the the the reconnecting to yourself, what I'm trying to say is it doesn't have to be dramatic, doesn't have to be from one day to the next. Sometimes it's a walk, sometimes it's a conversation, sometimes it's a quiet room or a creative idea. Sometimes it's literally just sitting with yourself and going, oh shit, there I am, right? Because I think that matters. We're there, we're more than what we produce, we're more Than what we manage, we're more than what we can give. Um, and that's, you know, again, I hesitate with these sorts of uh monologues. And I've had these same conversations with friends, and I go on and on and on about the same stuff because there is a misconception that when you talk the way that I talk about this subject, that I'm shaming the moms that are currently not working out or they're not, you know, dedicating time to themselves, they're not reading, or they're not walking, or this or that. Like it's not shaming, it's just bringing that awareness and asking that y'all just take a breath, take a breath, take a pause and reconnect with yourself, with who it is, right? You don't need to go back, quote unquote, to an old version of yourself. It's almost like coming home to a fuller version of yourself, right? Because we can't go back. Going back means erasing all of the things that you have now. And you have a family and you have a life and you have a little life that's looking up to you and and and that needs you. So, so no, it's not about going back, but it's about again, just coming home, coming home to a different or a fuller version of yourself and just saying, how can I exist in this moment? Right. And I think what I'm learning is that I don't need to become a completely different person. I just need to stay in a relationship with myself. And isn't that the most beautiful thing? Right. Like we have a relationship with all these people, all these things, all this stuff. But what about us, right? Do we check in with ourselves? Do we listen to ourselves? Do we notice when we're disappearing into our responsibilities? I'm a person in my own life. I'm not a person in everybody else's only, right? And that is the perfect blend of everything. So anyway, this is gonna be short. It's gonna be sweet this time. I just wanted to take some time to uh just just tap into my beautiful community uh of friends and family and mamas or soon-to-be mamas, right? Because I I do, you know, have a couple of folks there who have um some beautiful babies on the way. And I know that sometimes, look, I when I was pregnant, I wished that someone would have given me like the truth, right? And not just the bubbly, like everything's gonna be beautiful and you're just gonna fall in love at first sight, and everything's, you know, you're just gonna flow and you're gonna find a routine and it's gonna be beautiful. It's fucking ugly, you know? And I I do wish that sometimes we would be more honest with one another about that, especially, you know, woman to woman, uh, without feeling like you're envious of the person, right? Because like I feel like that I've I've felt that way when I've given some advice, you know, that it feels like the person's looking at me like, do you hate me? Or like, do you want me to not be happy in this space of life? And the answer is absolutely not. I want you to be thrilled about it, but also aware, right? Information is is power. And it's, you know, to me, it helped me to know things before they were happening. And I wish that I had more of a community around me at that time to give me the good, the bad, and the ugly. And this that was my goal with this episode is just to, you know, to open your eyes and to, and again, to just take a breath, take a breath, take a moment, take that quiet time, you know, before everybody's up, or take that quiet time when everybody goes to bed, or, you know, if y'all work from home and babies are in school and daycare, like take that time, take it, you know, really like take it and do something with it, whatever it is, you know, and again, it's not a okay, I'm gonna join the gym and I'm gonna go do this, I'm gonna do that. It could be just as simple as I'm gonna listen to not your southern chick and go for a walk. Or anything. I'm gonna listen to true crime and go for a walk, or I'm gonna, you know, for people upstairs, right? Like I don't want to go outside right now. It's cold as fuck for my people up north, right? It's cold, it's raining, it's snowing, whatever. So I'm just gonna go up and down these fucking stairs for the next, you know, 30 minutes and listen to something that I enjoy, right? Um, anything, anything. I'm gonna go do some sit-ups or or or some uh squats or anything and forget about that at the beginning. Even if it's I'm gonna start this book that I've been leaving, you know, collecting dust on on the mantle or on my night table for two years, right? Let me go, let me just grab that and let me take a second. Anything, anything that gets you to reconnect with yourself and again to come home to yourself as this new beautiful version of yourself, I think that's the key, you know, and and I don't have this perfectly figured out, you know. I I think I'm in it like a lot of us are, but maybe that's the point of conversations like this, not to arrive at some polished answer, but to name what feels true. So if you've been asking yourself who you are outside of what you do for everyone else, I hope that this reminds you that you're still in there. Maybe not lost, maybe just waiting for a little more space. Thank you for sitting with me, you guys. Thank you so much for your love again. Please don't forget to like, subscribe, share with your friends. And I will be back next week with another guest and another amazing episode. So thank you. Have a wonderful day. Bye bye. Hey, thanks for hanging out with me on Not Your Southern Chick. If you love this conversation, hit follow, share it with a friend, and let's keep breaking the mold together. Until next time, stay loud, stay real, stay fuerte como el cafecito.