Why Do I Feel Invisible After 40? (The Truth About Midlife Confidence & Menopause)

Today we are talking about how hormones and society can make us feel like we are invisible. But rather than settle for fading into the wallpaper, I'm inviting you to try some small shifts that can wake up your vibrancy. 

I mention House of Colour in this episode. Their website is: https://www.houseofcolour.com/

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Transcript

Welcome to the Unmute Your Midlife podcast, where we take you from foggy and
forgotten to focused and lit up. I'm Joyce, your nurse-turned-midlife-resurrection-strategist and the cheerleader in your pocket. I'm here to remind you, your next
season in life is your power era. Today's episode is "Why Do I Feel Invisible after
40? (The truth about midlife confidence and menopause). 

So picture this, you're out here, you're holding everything together, career, family, responsibilities, but somehow you've disappeared in your own story. So let's talk about it. I know for me, I had days where I just felt completely invisible to my family. I could be gone all day and no one would know. I could be at the checkout counter, At a store or restaurant, you know trying to call out my order And it's like, they would just look right over me or right past me and not even hear me. And I'm like, "am I invisible?" I don't get it!

Now I will say, one time I went to one of those comic cons-- it was a mini one in our local town -- and I wore a Deadpool costume. I was the female version of Deadpool. I was not invisible that day! (laughing) People remembered me, but you can't dress like that every day. Nor would I want to.

But I just want you to know that it's very common for us women to feel invisible in
this period of life, especially compared to how we felt before. Like, even if, whether you're the life of the party or a wallflower, it doesn't matter. You're going to have days where you feel like, "does anybody even know that I still exist here?" And you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing this. It happens to many of us. We start to feel insecure about the physical changes so we might fade back a little or we are as needed by our kids who are aging and our spouses who have their own issues. So the phone stops ringing every five minutes and then you start thinking, what's wrong? Why does no one need me? No one wants to talk to me and instead of being relieved and happy and excited about our new found freedom We start feeling like something's wrong. So we're going to talk about reframing how we look at these things. 

There is a role that hormone plays in this disappearing act that we feel that's happening to us and there's a role that society plays. Because society tends to make us feel like we're past our prime if we If we compare ourselves to what we're seeing on social media or what we see on magazine covers or TV ads. So you've got to be careful not to fall for that. Don't play the comparison game! Again, with social media you're looking at people's highlight reels. They're not showing you the good, the bad, and the ugly. They're just showing you the good! You can't compare your worst day to their best day. Another thing that happens is our identities, they tend to shift. You know, instead of feeling sad or insignificant that the kids are growing up and not needing you as much, we can rejoice in our newfound freedom because that means now we have time to do the
hobbies we've always wanted to do or pursue our own interests. You know that stack of books you've been buying to read later? You can start reading them! The hobbies that you always want to do, but you couldn't because it required having a babysitter? Well now you can go do them! 

There's also this confidence gap that sometimes hits you after age 40. You've got the hormones acting up, your identity roles are shifting, and there's the cultural expectations, and then you throw in the health challenges. Like, if you're not getting enough sleep, you're not gonna think straight. You're always gonna be a little foggy, a little tired, a little snappy. It's gonna contribute to your confidence declining. We can also look at our career and go, "Hmm, I thought I'd be further along than this." Or you get to a point in your career where you're responsible for so much and it's too much, you know? When you're having trouble remembering the name of your dog, then you have to go to work and be responsible for these 50 people in your team. It can be overwhelming. 

So some practical tips I have are to do a mindset reframe. Visibility is not about
looks. It's about your voice. Whether or not people see you, it's not about what
you look like. It's not about your appearance, you know, literally. It's about the
voice that you project, the message that you project. And so when you get up in
the in the morning and you're getting ready in the morning, I want you to get one
of those dry erase markers or the chalkboard markers and write yourself notes
on the mirror that you're going to repeat to yourself in the mirror in the morning.
That's something you can do to start your day. And if you feel goofy saying
affirmations, then find a Bible verse and personalize it. You can always take Psalms
and insert your name. Write your favorite Psalm up there or any kind of verse
that makes you feel empowered, and you're going to say that to yourself, and you're going to look yourself in the eye in the mirror, and you're going to say that. 

One thing that I did is I went and did a color analysis. I did... House of Color
was the one that I used. I can send you a link if you want one. Just send me
a message on Instagram @jjmccall. But I went to House of Color. I did a color
analysis, and they they give you a little swatch panel so that you know what colors
work with your skin tone, your hair color, your eye color, all that. And then I
came home and I cleaned out my closet. I got rid of everything that was not in my
palette. I got rid of everything that didn't fit or needed to be hemmed,
mended, anything like that. I either fixed it right then or I got rid of it. And then I keep my little color palette in my purse, so that if I am out shopping,
I only buy things that are in my color palette. That helped me stand out. Like, as
soon as I did that, people were like, "What are you doing different?" I'm like,
"Nothing." I just, literally nothing, I'm just wearing different colors than I was.
That helped me to stand out and increase my vibrancy, I guess you would say.
I don't wear fancy clothes. I wear t -shirts and workout pants a lot of times, but
I wear colors that go with my my palette.

Another action step that you can take is try speaking up. Conversations where you
normally feel like you're invisible or people aren't noticing you that much try, to
make an extra effort to speak up. Politely! Don't interrupt people. Don't be rude
about it, but like, just say, "wait, wait, I had something to add." 

I'll tell you something hilarious that happened to me. When I started mountain biking, I think I was 42 when I started mountain biking. And there was this, like the first day of  the winter solstice, they would do this ride at this lake in the woods. So I got these lights for my tires, and I was very excited to go. It was a night ride. I
got helmet light. My husband ended up having to be out of town that weekend. And my other riding friend that I had was busy. So I was like, well, I'm still gonna
go. I'm gonna go 'cause I want to do this. I've been so excited about this night
ride. And I was very new to mountain biking. This was, I think I was on my second
bike, but I still didn't have tubeless tires. And I didn't really know how to change my own tire very well, especially not in the dark! So I go, and I didn't know anyone there. So I kind of just like went from group to group because before the ride started they were all kind of hanging out around these bonfires and they had, you know, they had a beer tent, and they had pretzels and cheese, they had food out there for afterwards and so there were people who were setting up the food tents. And then all the riders were like standing around in groups talking to each other and so I just kind of wandered from group to group trying to see if I could like get to know someone. They would all be talking and I would be thinking to myself, okay as soon as he stops talking I'm gonna say, "hey guys I'm new, my name's Joyce." And I never could get a word in! And I would try to like, they were standing in tight circles because it's chilly out, and I would edge my way into the circle, like to be part of the group, and like, they weren't having it. It was the weirdest thing! And it wasn't that people were trying to be unfriendly. They just didn't know me so they weren't making room for me. So then the ride was ready to start, and I was like, "oh I should go and grab my bike!" And it was still locked on my bike rack. So when I finally get back over there -- one lady had noticed me and she introduced herself and she's like, "well you can ride with us" and she's like, "you better go get get your bike we're getting ready to start!" 

So I get my bike and come back and they're already gone. So I asked somebody where the trail starts because I don't know. And they had hung like these big Christmas ornaments along one side. They said, "just keep the ornaments on your left and you'll find your way through the trail." So I hurry and I get in there and the next thing you know, I've got a flat tire. Mind you, I've never ridden this course and so I don't really know my way around this little forest. A couple of people stop and try to help me, but we can't get the tire to hold air. And so he says, "We'll just go that way and you'll get to the fire road." Which is like the road the fire trucks go up and down if there's an emergency, you know, for
them to get in and out of the woods. And that'll take you back to the parking
lot. And so I go that way and I don't know how I did it, but I proceeded to
take myself deeper and deeper into the forest, nowhere near the fire road. And I
watched my phone battery go from 75 % down to 30 % because I'm using the map trying to get myself out of there. And I'm gonna be honest, I started to freak out a
little bit. I actually called a couple people I'm like, do you think you could
figure out where I am if I drop a pin and tell me how to get out of this trail?

And then finally, this guy came up and he had started late 'cause he
had got off work late. He's like, I can't just leave you out here. Why don't you
ride my bike and I'll carry your bike? And I'm like, no, no, my bike is really
heavy. I said, just go finish your ride and then come back for me with a new
inner tube and I'll just keep walking. And he's like, no, I'm not doing that. And
so then this other couple comes up and they had gotten tired and were walking and they're like, "Well, we'll walk with you. We're too tired to ride." And so they
walked with me. We did the whole course walking while I was carrying my bike
(because I couldn't keep rolling it or I'd ruin my tire). And I ended up getting to
know these two people really, really well. Like, I still know this lady. I actually
bought a bike from her for my daughter-in-law. I don't really know what the moral
of the story is other than sometimes it's hard to speak up and get noticed, but
don't give up. I made a great friend that day. I also met a great, you know,
Good Samaritan who stopped and when I finally got through to the end I ate my hot dog with relish because I was starving. And then I made it a point to learn how to change my tire and always have the right emergency stuff, A, and then B, I went back there during the daylight and I wrote all of those trails until I was comfortable with that place. 

Again, that was kind of a long story, but I felt very invisible that night, and then I felt very frustrated, and then I felt redeemed at the end. So you never know what your interactions with other people are going to turn out to be. Don't give up on
people. Don't give up on yourself. That's the moral of that story! 

If you want to check the show notes, I'll put in there a link for House of Color if you want to check them out. There's other options, too, for color matching. But just to recap, I want you to work on reframing your mindset about what visibility actually is. It's not about your appearance, it's about your voice. It's about the message you're projecting. And then, the one action step I want you to take, you can pick.
You can start doing daily affirmations, write them on your mirror. You could try
speaking up in conversations where you're usually kind of mousy and quiet. Or you
can maybe get your colors done and start dressing in colors that make you feel
alive. 

All right, friends, that is today's dose of midlife truth. I want you to remember, you are not foggy, forgotten, or finished, you are just getting lit up for your next season. If today's episode, hit home. Don't keep it to yourself. Share it with a sister who needs some help unmuting her own midlife. If you're ready to go deeper from just listening to actually living out your own transformation, then send me a message on Instagram. My handle is @jjmccall and send me the word "reset".

Until next time, keep unmuting, keep rising, And remember, your midlife resurrection starts now.