E28: Your Libido Isn't Gone. It's Buried.

Your libido isn’t gone. It’s buried under stress, overload, and years of putting yourself last. In this episode, we break down the real reasons high-achieving women lose desire in midlife and how to reconnect with your body, energy, and authority.

Chapters

0:00 I Just Had It…Now Where Did I Put It?

0:25 Unmute Your Midlife | The Podcast

0:48 The Real Issue

1:44 Stress Kills Desire

2:24 The Invisible Load

2:56 Reconnection Is Possible

6:01 Been There, Done That

6:59 Your Own Recalibration

7:21 Until Next Time

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let's be real. If your libido feels like it disappeared in midlife, you're probably wondering what's wrong with you. But here's the truth: there's nothing wrong with you. Your libido isn't gone, it's just buried. Buried under stress, buried under responsibility, buried under years of putting yourself last. And today we're going to unpack what's really going on and how to bring it back online. Welcome to Unmute Your Midlife. I'm Joyce, a nurse-turned midlife strategist. This is where midlife gets explained and standards get raised. Think of every episode like your strategic briefing. You'll leave knowing exactly what to observe, what to adjust, and what to implement next. Midlife is not a decline, it's a leadership test. So let's begin. Studies show that 40 to 50% of women experience a drop in libido during midlife, especially during perimenopause and menopause. But what's interesting is that most conversations stop at hormones. And yes, hormones do matter, but they're not the whole story. Because I see high-achieving women all the time who are doing everything right, but they still feel disconnected from their body. This isn't just hormonal. This is operational. You have been running in go mode for years, and your body is done putting up with that. Plus, libido is not a solo system. It's relational. We don't talk enough about how real life impacts intimacy. Think about injuries, chronic pain, emotional disconnection, unresolved tension in the relationship. This isn't just about your body, it's about the whole dynamic that you're operating inside. So here's what I mean: your body has two modes survival or relaxation. Desire only exists in relaxation. But if your stress is high every single day, your body is not choosing pleasure, it's choosing protection. It's ironic how we automatically expect intimacy and desire to just work. I mean, it always works in the movies and on TV, right? But that doesn't make any sense because your libido is a system, not a switch. So when women say, I just don't feel desire anymore, what they're really saying is My system never shuts off. All right, let's take this even deeper and talk about the part nobody likes to say out loud. A lot of high-achieving women, they're carrying the mental load, the emotional load, the invisible responsibility. You're managing everything. And then you're wondering why your body doesn't want more input. Desire requires space, relaxation, a chance to brain dump, to bring the cortisol down. Most high-achieving women they don't have any of those things. So this is where we shift because this isn't about forcing your libido back. This is about removing what's suppressing it. I'm not gonna give you a 10 steps to feel good again, but I will say start here. First, reduce what you're carrying. Ask for help. Maybe you don't have to be involved in every little thing that happens. I'll give you an example. I like the dishes put away a certain way. I like my kitchen organized so that I know where to find the utensils that I want to cook with or the um storage dishes that I want to put away the leftovers with. But other people in my house have said they want to be responsible for doing the dishes. And so I let them and I play the game of where's the dish? Where's the spatula? Anytime I go to cook, and I'm okay with that. I wasn't at first, but I am now because I know that it's the best thing for all of us. Next thing regulate your nervous system. You've got to figure out a way. I have tools that can help you with this, but you've got to figure out how to regulate your nervous system. You cannot be on. Think about the fan, you know, the guy I am your father. Okay, remember that? So it's got low, medium, high. You can't be running on high all the time. You're gonna burn out. Third thing, create some space for yourself. Whether that is a walk by yourself or a walk with the dogs, or a walk with just your partner. Uh, maybe it's some time to just read a book or sit outside on the porch and drink your coffee or your tea. But you need some time to just, my husband always calls it fire watching because back in the caveman days, the caveman would come home and you would sit and stare at the fire. And that was his like decompression time, right? We need that too. We need our fire watching time so that we can let our nervous system kind of calm down. It allows us to create some space for ourselves, mental space, emotional space, physical space. I mean, if you're still in that mommy phase where you've got kids hanging on you all day long, you're probably gonna need at least 10 minutes where no one is touching you. That is normal. That is something that you have every right to ask for, that you have every right to plan into your schedule. The last thing, number four, reconnect with your body daily. I will say these four things, they kind of all go together. They kind of like interconnect. But you've got to reconnect. You've got to ask yourself, you know, how am I feeling? Have I met my needs a day? Did I go to the bathroom when I needed to? Did I drink any water? You've got to be in touch with how you're feeling physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. I mean, we are talking about improving the libido, improving the intimacy with our partner. So relationally counts too. It's good to know how are you feeling in your relationship? Have you taken time to communicate? You've got to reconnect with your body, how you're feeling, so that you can connect with another human being. And I promise you, I am not trying to get you to add more things to your list. I'm just trying to get you to maybe shift the way you're operating and operate a little bit differently in a way that's going to help you and serve you better. Now, I'll be honest, this isn't something that I only understand from a nursing perspective. My husband and I have had to navigate this too, and not just because of midlife initially, because of real life. A spinal injury, some emotional scars in our relationship, the moments where a connection just didn't come easily. What I realized is this rebuilding intimacy requires the same level of attention as training your body for something physical. My friend is a marathon runner. Say you're trying to train for a marathon. You can't just ignore your body and then show up on race day and expect it to perform like a chant. You have to train it, you have to support it, you have to stay engaged with it. You know, all this talk about libido and intimacy, this isn't just about sex. This is about your relationship with yourself, with your body, with your body's needs, with your energy. Midlife is that time when your body stops tolerating being ignored, being dismissed, being suppressed. It's not trying to punish you, it's trying to recalibrate you. Now, if today's topic hits some tender spots for you, that's a signal. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, but there may be something in your routine that needs to change. I would start with the energy pattern audit because once you see what's draining you, you can start reclaiming your energy, your capacity, and yes, even your desire. Now, if this episode raised your standard, good. Go implement it. If you're ready for structured implementation, unmute your midlife is where we do this kind of work. You can schedule a free unmute session to identify the best plan for you. And while you're here, click on whichever linked video pops up for more awesomeness. But I'll be back with more new stuff next week. Thanks for listening.