E33: Stop Over-Explaining Without Losing Your Relationships

Learn how to stop over-explaining while keeping strong, healthy relationships.

Do you feel like you have to explain everything just to be understood?

And if you don’t… you worry you’ll come off as rude, selfish, or difficult?

In this episode of Unmute Your Midlife, we answer a powerful listener question about how to stop over-explaining without damaging your relationships.

Because here’s the truth:
Instead of explaining more…
Start communicating differently.

In this episode, we break down:
 • The difference between over-explaining and clear communication
 • Why over-explaining is often rooted in people-pleasing and nervous system stress
 • How to express your needs without guilt or over-apologizing
 • Where common courtesy actually fits in
 • What to do when your needs conflict with someone else’s

If you’ve ever asked:
 “Am I being difficult if I don’t explain myself?”
 “How do I set boundaries without pushing people away?”

This episode will shift how you see communication completely.

This isn’t about saying less.
It’s about saying what’s true, but without shrinking it.

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Transcript

It's not just you

Speaker 0:00

Okay, today's episode came straight from one of you. And I'm telling you right now, when I read her email, I thought she can't be the only listener who has these questions because her questions were basically all related to this thought. If I stop over explaining what happens to all my relationships, do I become rude? Do I become selfish? Do I become hard to be around? And if you've had those same thoughts, you're not alone. Welcome to Unmute Your Midlife. I'm Joyce, a nurse-turned midlife strategist. This is where midlife gets explained and standards get raised. Think of every episode like your strategic briefing. You'll leave knowing exactly what to observe, what to adjust, and what to implement next. Midlife is not a decline. It's a leadership test. So let's begin. So here is what she shared. She said, I get the idea of not overexplaining. But how does this work in real life? What about my husband, my coworkers, my assistants? If I don't explain what I need, how will people know? And where does common courtesy fit into it all? And then the big one, if what I need clashes with someone else, do I just insist on my own way? Great questions. So let's dig into what she's really asking. She's not confused. She's being cautious. What she's really asking is if I stop over-explaining, will I become someone that I can't respect? Will I be rude and dismissive and disconnected? And that fear, it makes perfect sense. Because most of us were taught that explaining is being respectful, that over-communicating was being a good person, that managing other people's feelings is our job. So when you hear me say stop over-explaining, your brain immediately goes, Wait, am I supposed to stop caring? So let me clear this up right now. Not over-explaining does not mean not communicating. I don't want you to become an uncaring person. But the fact is, not overexplaining is actually going to require better communication from you. This is a very important distinction. So overexplaining is going to look like justifying yourself, trying to be understood precisely, managing how other people feel about your choice, repeating yourself to gain approval, softening your truth so that it lands better. On the flip side, we have clear communication. Clear communication looks like saying what you need, giving relevant context, being direct and respectful, letting people have their reaction. Can you see the difference? So one is performance, the other one is leadership. You're leading yourself, you're leading the situation, you're setting an example. In some cases, you might be setting a boundary, and this might be new, new behavior for you, a new way of thinking, a complete paradigm shift, and that's okay. Because I'll be honest, it was for me too. I was the queen of overexplaining, to the point that people didn't want to listen because they knew it was going to take me too long. So let's tie this all up and bring it back to your body. Because this isn't just a communication issue. It goes back to capacity. When your energy is low, you try to overexplain things because you want to avoid conflict. You just don't have the capacity to handle the conflict. You'll say too much because you want to prevent misunderstanding. But by saying too much, you muddy the waters, you confuse the issue. And then sometimes you'll shrink your message to make it safer, more palatable. And you do that because your nervous system is telling you we do not have the energy for tension today. So you overcompensate. It's not because you're weak, it's not because you've been taught the wrong way to communicate. It's just you are protecting your capacity. Okay, I want to get into her questions and answer them directly. Because, like I said, I'm sure there are others in this listening audience who have had these same questions as they listen to me say. Stop overexplaining. So relationships actually get better when you stop overexplaining because clarity is going to build connection. Overexplaining builds confusion. So her first question was if I don't explain, how will people know what I need? And honestly, you should tell people what you need, but you can do it without the apology, without a long backstory, without any kind of emotional buffering that you think they need. For example, I'm so sorry, I know you're busy and I hate asking, but just try, hey, I need some support with this. Can you help me? It's the same message, it's just a different energy. Okay, another question she had was what about teamwork? Well, that is a good sign of leadership. Your assistants don't need more explanation necessarily. They just need clarity, they need expectations, clear expectations, and they need consistency. That's one of those situations where overexplaining can tend to make things messier. And you can always end your instructions with, do you have questions? Does that make sense? Okay, her next point was what about common courtesy? Let's define this. Courtesy is respect. Over-explaining is self-abandonment. You can be kind and direct at the same time. You don't have to earn kindness by overexplaining. And again, by over-explaining, that includes softening your message so that it lands better, adding a lot of extra backstory because you're trying to sell them on the idea. She says, if needs clash, do I just insist on my own way? Well, of course not, because this isn't about trying to control the situation. This is about changing how you express your needs and collaborating with others. So you say, here's what I need. And then they say, here's what I need. And then together you figure it out. That's healthy relationship dynamics. So the truth is you don't stop explaining, but you stop performing. You stop over-justifying what you need. You stop shrinking your truth, and you stop managing everyone else's reaction to whatever it is you're asking for. Instead, you start saying what's real. You start speaking clearly. Don't beat around the bush. Don't him and haw. Just say it kindly, professionally, if you will, if you're talking to assistants, but clearly, with clarity, and say it respectfully. It's okay to disagree. It's okay for them to not be happy with what you're saying. And when it comes down to it, do we really need their approval? If your family gets mad at you because you send your food back when it's not cooked right, is that fair of them? Are you not allowed to have a personal preference on your meals? Are you not allowed to say, hey, this chicken is still pink in the middle. I don't want to get sick. My husband used to get onto me because I am a super taster. And we were at this restaurant, very popular restaurant here in town, and I got a taco salad, which I've never ordered before or since. And the lettuce tasted like, I kept saying it tasted like dirty dishwater.

Speaker 1 6:39

He's like, Oh, you and your super taster.

Speaker 6:41

I was like, no, it's gross. Not that I've drank dirty dishwater, but I've smelled dirty dishwater. And things tend to taste like what they smell like, right? I had food poisoning that night. I was so sick. I was hugging the toilet and then sitting on the toilet and then hugging the toilet, and my husband said, I am so sorry.

Speaker 1 6:57

I will never doubt the super taster again.

Get ready to stretch

Speaker 6:59

Sometimes we let our family or our loved ones or our friends kind of bully us into not speaking up for ourselves. And if we want to have a calm, balanced nervous system, we have to learn how to push that bullying out of the way and speak up when we know we have something important to say. If you're one of those people that's been over-explaining things your whole life, this is gonna be a hard change for you. Or maybe not hard, maybe the better word is it will have to be intentional because this is a habit that you're gonna have to break, the tendency to want to soften the blow or give them the whole backstory. And sometimes it's hard for us to filter out and know details that they don't need to know. And so give yourself some grace as you learn how to do this, but just trust the process, trust that over time you're going to get better at communicating, you're gonna be clearer, more concise, and you'll get more needs met because people know that you're going to speak up when you need something and they'll understand what you're asking for when you do speak up. So if learning this new way to communicate feels uncomfortable at first, good. Remember that medicine they used to put on that would sting the cut, and then your mom would say, "Good, that means it's working." Same thing here. When we get stretched and we feel a little discomfort, that means you're doing something differently. And the goal is not to say less, it's to say what's true without shrinking it, without shrinking ourselves, without dismissing ourselves, gaslighting ourselves. I would love to hear if anyone else has any comments or feedback or questions from other episodes in the past, because my goal is not to stand here on a soapbox and preach it to anyone. My goal is to help you master your midlife, recalibrate your energy, and find your voice again. Now, if this episode raised your standard, good. Go implement it. If you're ready for structured implementation, unmute your midlife is where we do this kind of work. You can schedule a free unmute session credit by the best plan for you. And while you're here, click on whichever link to video pops up for more awesomeness. But I'll be back with more new stuff next week. Thanks for listening.