The Power of No

 Jen and Dagda dive deep into the power of no—setting boundaries, dealing with people who won't take no for an answer, and learning to say no for yourself. This is a raw, honest, and deeply personal conversation about consent, boundaries, mental health, and self-preservation.

#podcast #ThePowerOfNo #SettingBoundaries #ConsentMatters #MentalHealth #SelfPreservation #LoveYourselfFirst

Artwork:Mohamed_hassan

Always a good time to be had...After Dark.

We truly enjoyed our time working on the brick and mortar side of the adult industry. We spent A LOT of time trying to satisfy and satiate many a curious mind while educating the 1st timers on some adult fun ideas!

We had a great employer who was not only the 1st fully licensed adult store in Washington , Momma D was the 1st FEMALE adult store owned in our state!

**Music: Burning Night by _NeutralMatrix_**

Transcript

Welcome

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome to Everyday Life. This is our After Dark podcast. My name is Jen.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

And I'm Dagda.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Here is your explicit content warning. The following episode includes adult language, content, and situations that is intended for entertainment purposes and mature audiences only. So sit back, relax, and take a listen. Ready for the journey, Dagda?

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Alright, let's go.

Setting Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Yep, yep. Yep, yep. Does it sound okay?

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Right, right. Doesn't sound like you're gurgling on it, does it?

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Of course not.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Well, sometimes when you put it right on your face, I'm like, careful.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

We don't swallow.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Yeah. You definitely don't swallow. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Which you have so eloquently told many a man over the years, uh, I don't play that way. And that's okay. That's your, you know, that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

I have firm rules as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

I actually talked to a couple of my co-workers about that sort of thing the other day.

unknown 1:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

I told them where I used to work, and I'm like, yeah. This, that, and the other. Like, I learned really fast that you gotta handle those kind of situations because one of them was talking about how there was a dude in his neighborhood that was always hitting on him. And he was like super friendly to him, always coming up and trying to hug him and shit. And he's like, it makes me super uncomfortable. And yeah, it's like, dude, you gotta just straight up tell him not to fucking do it or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Yeah, yeah, you know, that's the thing, is like it's whatever your persuasion is, whichever way you flow, whatever way your cookie crumbles, that's that's you, but you can't force it onto other people, yeah. And I mean, I personally have bore witness to over the years how many heartbreaks you've created with the men in the gay community in Washington State, not interested, and and you know, and that was always really good the way you've did it very clearly, but it didn't stop some people from crying. Yeah, and I think that I think that it bugs you that anybody bore witness to that because I can spend the rest of eternity being like, Are you gonna make another gay man cry? You're so mean. Well, you know, that's the thing is I I never care. I don't care what your preference is. If you pay your own bill and in in and a baseball bat's your best friend, by all means.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Bella Donna Bitch fist.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Oh fuck. No, but yes, but but you know what I mean? It's just like, yeah, there's um, so there are a lot of at my work, there's a a few transgender people that are trying to figure out what everybody's flavor is, and it's just like you you don't shit where you eat. Yeah, you don't do that, and I'm sure that's I'm using it in a

You Can't Force It on Others

SPEAKER_01 3:01

very backward form, but um, that's that's appropriate. You know, I'm just like, I'm I'm like, first of all, they're definitely not into you if they've never said anything more than hi to you in all the times that you've worked together. Yeah, if they have never even held a conversation with you, or they've walked away when you've started working, uh talking to them, other than saying, Oh, hi, so-and-so, how you doing today? Hi, and then immediately passed. So, but people are humans are inherently stupid. Yeah, people don't like hearing no when it's that's not the outcome they want, so there's a little bit of of that going on, and so somebody's so we have a transgender at work, and like I said, I personally don't care, but it is bugging a couple people because um they're trying to press their belief systems, I think, on them.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Yeah, I think the average person doesn't care as long as it's not something interfering with their life. Yeah, um, I think the overwhelming majority are like that. Yeah, I think so too.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

I I think it's it's such a small percentage of people who even care anymore.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Yeah, I mean, if you're not trying to get me to believe what you believe, then I don't really care what you're doing. As long as you're not interfering or hurting anybody, yeah, I don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Like, yeah, I don't I don't care, but it's it's it's kind of interesting because it's like, how do you get somebody to clearly understand no? Can you can you say it as a reasonable adult and say, uh thank you, Jimmy Johns? I'm just not interested. Yeah, and that will be enough for the average person. That's not enough.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

And that's one of the things, like my experience with all those gay dudes because of where I worked, otherwise, I probably never would have interacted with those people, um, with those individuals, let's say.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

Um yeah, because you are not gay bashing or gay shaming or gay slamming, that's not it at all.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

I don't care about any of that.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Um because you have friends that are trans and you have friends that are gay, yeah, and you don't care. It is the people, and it wouldn't it wouldn't matter if they were gay or bi or try or whatever. It wouldn't matter. They just no does not mean no to them. It means try harder.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Yeah. And I get what I was saying is that I get why a lot of times women will become super fucking aggro.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

Um, and very they'll seem like they're super mean and they're just bitches or whatever. Um, because they get tired of fucking having the same conversation when the answer's no.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

And then watching them, the other person become an asshole because they were said no to. Yeah. So I get because that experience made me fucking have the same. It's like, seriously, motherfucker. Yeah, I told you no three times today.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Yeah, and that doesn't even include the last nine years I've been dealing with you.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Yeah, we have this conversation again.

Sometimes No Doesn;t Mean No To Them

SPEAKER_02 6:01

I might fucking punch you in the trachea.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Well, it's it's really interesting because I feel like, I mean, like how I I feel like we're kind of we have to resort to uh uh 8020. We have to resort to I just told you no. And I mean no.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

So accept no as the answer. Just no. And I got to the point over the years working at the shop where I would just look at somebody and they'd start, you know, trying to spit their game, and I would just be like, just no. Just no. I wouldn't even, I don't even explain, I don't, I do not legally have to explain it otherwise to you. If I say yes, I mean yes. If I say no, you need to respect that. If not, there's the fucking dough, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 6:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

And it and it be it becomes this really interesting thing where so obviously working back with the public again, it's I I I'm back to doing a lot of observation. I stay quiet, I don't go out of my way to seek conversations with people because I love our listeners, but otherwise I simply don't care. And I say that quietly because um if you respect me, I respect you. If you press your principles and if you press my boundaries in the wrong way, you don't exist in my life anymore. And so I I try trying to be very careful not get canceled. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but but the but the dynamic of it is so I I do it's I do have regulars now that are so excited when they see me, and it's really it's really funny because it's pissing one of my co-managers off. Like, how do you have all these people coming in being nice to you? Um, I don't know. It's called in general being a nice human.

SPEAKER_03 7:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

And um, like she that individual cannot understand it.

SPEAKER_03 7:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Cannot under while why are all these people in this department talking to you and laughing with you and joking with you? Why why are they being so nice to you? Because I'm respectful to them.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

You know, so it's it's kind of interesting. So now my cashiers have started noticing how I'm interacting with customers. Like they're really starting to pay attention because you know, there's certain missions to be had, and I'm like, you're not gonna be the first woman to live on Venus without an oxygen tank. Fuck off. Um, but but what's interesting is is one of my cashiers is just like, you're really good with people. I was like, I know, and I hate them. And it's not that I actually hate people, I just hate people. Does that make sense when I say it like that? Yeah, it's yeah, it's totally like like like dude, Joe Blow, it's not you. Judy Booty, it's not you. I just hate humans. I would rather the five closest people in my life my mom, my partner, you, six, my, my, my stepmom and my siblings and my nephew. So seven, seven people in my life. I I worry about what I worry about them. I care about them and their immediates. I care about that. Otherwise, it's just I can go from having a conversation with you and we're just honest as the day as long to so much maximum edit, it's not even funny. So one of my cashiers just like, you're

I Just Told You No

SPEAKER_01 9:30

so good at people. I know I hate them. How do you do that? And I and I remember telling her, I said, Listen, redacted. If you're a highly empathetic person, you can do customer service really, really well because you're gonna pick up uh they're called micro movements, micro signals of how somebody might be feeling. So you know which way you you might know which way the wind's gonna blow. And I was just like, but I'm not, I I said, if you notice, I'm different with every single person. So I happen to have a customer who I met prior to even working at this job. I met her on her first day working in a whole different job in my one of my old jobs. And it was so funny the first time she came in and saw me, it was three three months ago. She was just like, oh my God, I was wondering what happened. And I was just like, Yeah, I there was some situations and I quit. Did you quit before or after the company lost its contract? Hmm. I said, Oh, before, before. So, anyways, every time she comes in, she's looking for me. And it was funny. So the the cashier who had said to me, You're so good with people. We happened to be there when this gal walked in. And I literally happened to, I just talked to my cashier. Here's our game plan for the are you good? Do you need anything? Okay, this is where I'm gonna be. So give give me at least 30 seconds to call you if you need me to call, or at least give me 90 seconds to get up to you. Okay. I just I've got to finish this project for so and so. Okay, great. And I turned around and I hear as I'm getting ready to walk away, and I is there's my honey, there's my love. And I knew who it was. The minute I turn around, she's like, Oh my god, I haven't seen you for a few because where have you been? And I was like, Well, you know, kind of went into detail with about a few things. And it was funny because so my cashier's watching this interaction, she's just like, This is crazy. And I'm like, This is human connection. Okay. So the individual goes shopping, she comes to check out with me because my cashier needs another break. Not a problem. I got you. You need to go to the restroom, of course. Go to the bathroom, it's fine. Whatever. I got you. I'm here. And this, so this person I know from out met outside of my current job. She says to me, and she's got this beautiful smile on the face. She goes, It always makes me so happy to see you. I was like, it makes me happy to see you too, because you know, we're not in this struggle of life alone. Do not ask me what made me say that, other than micro movements, micro signals, my it's it's it's a certain word that I'm just not grasping in my head right now.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

Intuition.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

It's it's called it's called micro something. It's where you notice, um, like if somebody is trying to make sure they're smiling because they're on public face, but they're actually really sad about something. There's something that happens with just micro movements in your eyes, in your smile and everything, the way your eyes might start to glisten, the way your smile might go from being in a set position to either wider or start to fall, anyways. And I said, I said, you know, we're in this thing together. And she was just like, I'm not gonna cry, and you're gonna make me cry. I'm like, honey, what is going on? I'm like, I'm like, I'm happy to see you. What's what's going on? I was like, so her partner happens to be a US service member, and she is not going to move with him, and they're not going to do a long distance relationship for two years while he's in California. And she was just like, he kind of, I guess he kind of casually said to her, Well, you could move down there if you want. You could you could transfer in your job and move down there if you want. But it wasn't that invited feeling. And she's been so invested in this relationship. And um, she's just like, This person, my boo, my love, they're just gone. So they they they move out because they they're actually leaving today, which is by the way, in real time, it's June 1st, and we need to say happy birthday, bogey. Woo woo, big boy, having a birthday. Anyways, old, old, wrinkled, old grandpa.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Anyway, I mean, like, you know, I mean, at your age, I I I feel bad for your partner because apparently your nether regions are just as patchy as your beard. Bye!

SPEAKER_02 13:41

Wow. Anyways, Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

Happy birthday, kiddo.

SPEAKER_02 13:46

Yeah, happy birthday, bro.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

We we totally appreciate you and thank you for the project you've been working on. We we appreciate it. It's coming out awesome.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Anyway, it's really cool.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

It is, it is, it is totally. He sent me a picture. If I didn't, did he send you a picture on Discord?

SPEAKER_02 14:00

I don't know. I haven't looked at Discord in a while.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

It's because you got you gotta put your big boy panties on just because your friends haven't been able to do your your your Saturday game night. You gotta put it on and not be not not isolate yourself from them. I don't want to talk to none of you, Kai. You're not playing my game. Anyways, so it was interesting because she'd said to me, she was just like, I didn't give him an answer, but he has to move out because he had to leave today. Like I said, in real life, it's June 1st. And and she was just like, she goes, in my heart, it breaks, but there's nothing I can do about it. I said, I said, Do you want to move? And she said, No. And I said, Did you tell him? And she said, No, I I just told him, you know, because they've apparently they've been living together for the last six months. Because they've I've known her for two and a half years and they've been dating for two. And uh, so they came and picked up his stuff, and she was just like, My house is so empty. And he's gone because he's staying at the barracks now because he's really uncomfortable. It sounds very much like that situation where um somebody maybe has a little bit harder time with emotions and knowing what phase of the relationship they're in, and the other one's just looking for a little bit more show me how much you love me, which is so fucking annoying. But, anyways. Um, and I was just like, I was like, she was just like, my heart is just absolutely breaking. She goes, and I came in here hoping I'd get to see you tonight because I knew you'd keep me from crying and you would say the right thing. I said, I don't have the right thing to say. She was like, Yes, you do. I said, listen to me. I said, I can tell you no 11 ways from Sunday. I can tell you yes, one way where you'll understand. I was just like, I don't know how you can tell him yes or no. That's up to you. That's up to you how you communicate it. I said, Did you tell him to ask you? And she said, No. And I said, You told me no. When he's asking you, why aren't you telling him no? Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings. There's your answer. It's somebody

Micro Movements / Signals

SPEAKER_01 16:00

you love. It's your first love affair in this country. It's it's your first, you know, romance in this country at your age, because she's not from this country. And I told her, I was just like, it breaks all our hearts in certain degrees because we don't, as humans, we want what we want when we want them.

SPEAKER_03 16:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

We don't want to hear no. We don't want to hear anything that is opposite of what we want to hear. And I and I told her, I said, I'm gonna tell you something you don't want to hear right now, but I want you to hear me. I want you to listen. And she goes, she goes, with you, I'm always listening. And I was like, because we respect each other that way. And I said, you are never going to get in this life more than you can ever handle. And she goes, What? And I said, you know, everybody says God will never give you more than you can handle. I was just like, no matter what you believe in, it can be this universe, it can be yourself, it can be God, it can be Buddha, it can be whoever. But in this life, you're never gonna get more than you can actually handle. When you honestly can't handle anymore, you're done. You clock out. And she goes, How do you know this? And I said, Okay, well, I said, I know I had a situation, I said not too long ago, where I was done. I said, and I'm gonna, and I said, when I tell you I was done, I was just like, I was punching walls and like literally finding joints to punch my walls. I was punching my own face, which when I have no other outlet, I will do that. And I told her, I was just like, I laid down in bed and I said, All right, universe, God, Buddha, devil, whoever it is, I'm done. Don't make me wake up tomorrow. And she goes, Did you wake up? Which that is not a joke. She actually said that. And I looked at her, I said, Yes, I woke up. She goes, How did that feel? I said, I woke up. I said, Do you know what I realized? And she goes, What? I said, I woke up and I went, I'm so glad I woke up because I haven't talked to my mommy in a couple days. Hi, mommy.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

Hi, mommy. You're not supposed to be listening.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

You're not supposed to be listening. Stop listening. Um, and I told her, I was just like, and then it like I said, I had this overwhelming rush. No matter how I felt in that moment, no matter how much I thought I couldn't take anymore, there's a reward behind it. I said, I said, if you had died in your sleep last night from sadness because you thought you were it was too much. I was like, you wouldn't have come seen me today and get the hug and the love and and get that you've got this. It's okay. And it's okay to be sad. I was like, it's not gonna get better overnight, it's gonna take some time.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

It but it but it was interesting because she was just like, I never realized people don't like hearing the word no. Yeah. I'm like, but we don't. I was just like, you know, I was just like, I come home from work sometimes, still drenched in sweat. It's happened several times, makeup smeared because at some point it is no longer waterproof. Because, you know, when you're when you're literally sweating so hard and the sweat falls in your mouth and it just tastes like fresh bottled water, you have nothing left in your system. So when you come walking in the house and you're bright red, sweat, all crazy and everything, and I say to my partner, Am I still pretty? And he looks at me and goes, You need a shower. That's not what I want to hear. But I accept that because I'm just like, okay, fair, fair, fair point. Yeah, I don't know. Anyways, how do we tell people no and get them to understand without them? I'm gonna go take my Lego somewhere else.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

First, I pull out a knife.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Yes, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

Yes,

Customers

SPEAKER_02 19:30

that's not legal advice.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

I am so sad. I I actually was talking to a security guard about not being able to have my carry conceal at work. Sad. And I no longer can carry my knife that I've been carrying for over a decade. And he's like, What? And I'm like, Yeah, we're not allowed to have knives on the property on the premises at all.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

Yeah, a lot of places have policies where you're not allowed to have basically anything to protect yourself.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Yeah. And he goes, What are you talking about? I was like, There's a sign right in the window, no weapons allowed, period. He was just like, Is it really a weapon? I was like, I'll tell you what. I said, Now listen, I said it up. My old job, when people were getting a little too fresh and weren't taking no for an answer, all I had to do was flick. I actually can do it right now because when I'm at home, I keep it within reaching distance. I was like, and they would hear they would stop messing with me. And it's not much of a sound, but it's enough that people go, Oh, wait, there's something wrong there. Yeah. You know, I've never, you know, and and Mama D didn't want us having our firearms at work, sad. Yeah. So I never I asked her, I asked her so many times. I'm like, please, I've got to carry conceal. I'm licensed. Can I please take it to work? Because especially when I had to work doubles. And it's just like, you know, like the creepy guy almost punched in his face when it was snowing, and he oh I did bring my firearm to work several times, but it was when I was there completely by myself.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

Yeah. Because it was when we were closing the shop, and it was kind of weird being there all day by myself.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

So I fucking Yeah, I I think at that point maybe she didn't care anymore.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

But you know, in the very beginning, I was just like, please. I even like showed her my license, showed her what I had and everything. Which now, granted, my one firearm, you know, carry concealer not because on a blessed day I'm five foot two and it is four and a half inch uh barrel, which you know makes the overall length like six and a half inches between the grip and the barrel. Um, you know, that's not so easy to to conceal on me uh because it's so heavy. It's like seven pounds when it's at full capacity. Because listen, I don't live in California and I ain't no bitch. I have I have good magazines on my firearms.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

Although now they're no longer allowed.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

No, no, you could you can have them. Just can't buy them. Yeah, yeah. If you've already bought them pre-to the law, can't get any more. And it's like, look, I'm nice. My first six rounds, they'll stop whatever they hit right there. Those are they're the they're the safety rounds. But if if you don't go down at six, because I'm not a terrible shot, I'm a decent, I'm not as good a shot as you.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

You're a you're a oh god, you are so you're like my ex-husband. You're such a good shot.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

It's been a while since I've actually I've never fired my pistol, which is a bad thing, but I just haven't had the time or the money or the inclination to go over to a place where I could actually shoot it.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

I can see it the day that you're carrying it and somebody's accosting you, you'd be like, motherfucker. Oh, target practice. Pew pew. Uh I so what was funny is the last time, I think the last time my partner and I went shooting uh together, we went to a uh indoor range? No.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

No. Um did we? Maybe. So the last three times, once was an indoor, the last time maybe it was an indoor range, but it was horrible. It was horrible. It's at a place that's constantly in the news around here. And there were guys doing rapid fires, and so it was just it was so smoky bad in the indoor range room. I had to leave because it shot me straight into an asthma attack.

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

And then we also did an outdoor range, which was just creepy because one of our customers from Redacted was trying to saddle up behind my partner and show him how to shoot that brand new shotgun right.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

And I was just like, oh no.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

And the yeah, and the outdoor range, you couldn't move the target. It was a set, it was a set 25 or 30. So it was very annoying. It was very annoying. But we had gone over to an acquaintance house and we were shooting out there, and three shotgun blasts, and my partner took down a tree. It was just like, what's wrong with you? And the person's house we're at, he was just like, Oh shit, my girlfriend's gonna be pissed. My partner's just like, well, my shotgun works, you know. So it's been a while for me too.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

But I did, I have all of my weapons have had at least 50 rounds go through them. By my own hands, one of my weapons has had probably 500 rounds. The other one is just at 50.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

But I don't think even I mean, I do have another, I have my 410, and that's had at least a thousand rounds through it.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah, I don't think even my 3030 has had 50 rounds from me. I mean, it's old, so it's probably had hundreds of rounds through it, but not from me. I think I might have shot 20 times. Uh-huh. Fired 20 rounds through it. Oh wow. Um, of course, I haven't used it since the last time I went hunting with it, which was when I was like 17 or something. Uh that was a day or two ago.

SPEAKER_01 25:05

Well, it's so it's super crazy. Um, because uh you know, it's always been nice to be able to have a way to to no means no and really reinforce that subtly. But any more people don't take no for an answer. Can you do an extra discount on this? No, I'm sorry, I can't. No, you can do it. You're you're the manager. No, I I really can't. I had a guy argue with me, and I don't mean argue like it was a one-side argument. He's just running his mouth, and I'm just going, I'm so sorry, sir, I can't do that for you. Yeah, it really pisses me off. Oh, but yeah, you can because of this reason. I'm so sorry, sir. I can't do that for you. And so in the five minutes he's sitting there telling me what a piece of shit I am because I'm not gonna, I can't do what he's asking, which is it's like, um, no, stranger danger. First of all, I'll tell you that much. It was a very much a stranger danger situation. He wanted me to take him into the employee bathroom, stand in the employee bathroom with him while he tried on stuff so I knew he wasn't stealing it. Uh no, thank you. Bitch, you think I was born yesterday? Yeah. Even if I had held him at gunpoint, it's too close a range. No.

SPEAKER_03 26:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

Anyways, and um, you know, when it got all said and done, he's like, Well, obviously, you don't want business. And I said, No, obviously, I'm thinking about my safety first. I was like, I'm sure you're a very nice person. But right now, you're not being very polite to me. I'm telling you company policy. It is seven o'clock at night. I have nobody in corporate to ask, I have nobody in LP to escort you and do stuff. Uh I was like, no means no. Why don't we have fitting rooms here? Well, they close the fitting rooms down. Um, you know, vandalism, theft, it's a big problem. But I'm not gonna steal from you. And this is

You Never Get More Thank You Can Handle

SPEAKER_01 27:00

the same mother trucker who 15 minutes later walked out of the store with three pairs of pants because he wasn't gonna pay for them, he couldn't try them on. Then leave them, you don't need them. Yeah. So I don't know. I'm kind of at my wits and uh, you know, how do you not get to that borderline of violence when no means no?

SPEAKER_02 27:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I know I know I'm getting a little creative with it where I look at him, I go, you know, I know you want me to say yes or say maybe. But here's the thing, I thought about it, and the reality is I want to make you so happy and be able to do that. And and and they get really excited, and I'm like, but I just can't because I'm a dick.

SPEAKER_02 27:42

Yeah, I don't think because I immediately get super annoyed when people ask me to fucking charge them less for something.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

You you you go from Dagda to DagdaCon, like immediate.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

Like, this is so uncalled for. Also, like I know the place where you work, they have like weekly specials.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Right, yep.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

And basically, if you simply wait long enough, the product that you're looking at is gonna be on sale. Uh and so come buy it when it's on fucking sale, dickhead.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Well, right, there was a lady on Saturday, very end of the night, there was two of them, very end of the night. And the one lady, she's usually pretty nice. And she goes, When's this color gonna be on sale? And I said, It was just on sale last week. Okay, well then do it for the I I can't. I can't. When's it gonna go on sale again? I said, I can't remember if the cycle's every six or seven weeks. That's ridiculous. You're this is what I find funny. You're the nice manager. You call them up and tell them you do this uh next week or in or in three weeks for her when she has money from a payday. That's not the way this works, lady. I would love to do that for you, but I do not own this company. I don't even own stock in this company. I I I come in, beep bop, boop, bop, beep, clock in, bust my ass just as hard as our production workers, actually. Let's be honest here, harder than half of my production workers, and definitely harder than every one of my cashiers, especially the ones that like to smoke dope before work. But if you call it out Allegedly, allegedly, yeah. If you call it out and be like, um, you smell like weed, you can't say that. You have to go get another manager, and you have to walk around sniffing the person to make sure you're both smelling the same thing. And it's amazing anytime this one person comes to work, and let me tell you what, I am redacted years old. I know what it smells like, I know the difference between skunk and skunky. And it's always amazing to me the one time, the one manager, every time this individual comes in, and I'm like, hey, we got a problem. I can't smell anything. My allergies are happening. I don't smell anything. But the minute the individual goes on break, woo, I smell something. Okay, well, let's go talk to them. My allergies, I can't smell nothing. So I I gotta deal with that. Yeah. But yeah, I I I love how everybody seems to think that just because you're there and you're the PIC, the person in charge, you can make it happen. This is not my investment. This is not my money. This company is not even it's not publicly traded, so things are not what they appear to be. And when things are not what they appear to be, uh you you as an individual have no control.

SPEAKER_03 30:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

Like in my personal life, I mean, so long, long ago, we had this conversation about saying no to people. And your your way typically works for many people not interested. I like my way because if you're gonna be a dick and you're gonna keep asking me, I'm gonna go, ooh, ooh, no thanks. I'm going to be a dick back. And it's it's the only way I have to vent my frustration because when you're in the public realm, like I literally was walking in to go to work the other day, and this person around my age doesn't matter what they look like. Turn or go, hey, hey, let me talk to you for a minute, honey. Let me talk to you for just for a quick minute. Do you think that one that one person could not tell me if my eyes were blue or green that day? Would not have been able to tell you at all. Because I'm just like, I'm like, you know, I can't just walk away from him. But I turn around and I say yes. They tried to get right up in my business and I held my arm out. I said, hold on. I will do my best to answer your questions, but you need to respect my personal space. Oh, why are you getting like that, girl? You know you want this. No, I no. Seven ways from Sunday, no. He dropped the shit he was going to steal right there on the floor and walked out the door. I said seven ways from Sunday. Oh no. I I just I don't know. You know, hopefully our listeners will have some ideas on how to say no. One of my favorite ways to do it recently, and I don't think you've heard this one for a while. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have a cashier who loves it when I do that. Because I'll be like, no, no, no, no. And I just get louder and louder and louder, and she's just like, hee. I'm like, oh. I was like, do you think he got the hint? No. Oh, hell no. Uh, I did recently look at somebody when they said uh something that was not appropriate about my breast. I said, whoops, no, you didn't. Because all I thought was tag team back again. I'm gonna punch that fucker right in the chin. That's all I thought.

SPEAKER_02 33:06

So, anyways, I'm about two seconds from pummeling the shit out of you, bro.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

Yeah, and I and I like me. Trust me, I know the blind spot at work, and if I thought I could legally get away with it, I would just hard in the face.

SPEAKER_02 33:23

You gotta start wearing flip-flops so you can beat people with them.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

You know, they're not flip-flops, they're called slippas.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

All all Pacific Island cultures they call them slippers because you have you have different ones you gotta wear. And these ones I bought from work, I told you I've worn Reebox, I've worn Adidas and Nike. These cheap no-name ones are so comfortable. They they are so comfortable. And but they'll hurt you because I flipped it on my hand to see the durability. I was like, ah, yeah. But that is a good idea. I'm going to ask one of my co-managers. Yeah, just if I can if I buy a pair, can I carry it around for protection in my back pocket?

SPEAKER_02 34:04

And when somebody gets to misbehave and just I mean, a lot of people, as soon as you pull them out, they'll realize what's happening. Actually, it's not most um, it's not most of the cultures in America, let's put it that way, that will understand what's happening. But certain cultures will be like, okay, you you I'm backing up. I'm back away.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

I just I just want to buy one of uh they come in a lot of different colors. I just want to buy one and take a thick black sharpie sharpie marker and on the bottom of it write no, and then just go flap the hell out of people. Like I honestly, I I am I am I am I I am looking for a new job, and I have been looking for a new job, and you know why. Yeah, and and it doesn't matter, uh, you know, I'm hoping, you know, I'm hoping something works out the right way because as good as I am with people, as

People Just Don't Like Hearing No

SPEAKER_01 35:00

good as I am when I with what I do, and I'm very good at it, there comes a point where you honestly have to say no for yourself. Yeah and that's the point I'm at because literally every one of my co-managers are like, well, this is why we have you do this and not learn that, because you're so good and you just take it on the chin. So the first one who said that to me, I said, Um, excuse me, I don't take it on the chin. I don't know what you've heard, but it does not go above my chin, it is neck, below my neck, and like it took her a second to get in. And I because I'm just it's the most disrespectful thing to me. Yeah, it's like I understand in some cultures that's a really big thing, and I understand with some couples it feeds some kind of weird. I I actually knew somebody who said if her man wouldn't finish in her face, she knew he wasn't interested in her because he wouldn't look in her eyes. And I'm like, So that's why you have so many pink eye infections. Okay. Literally, she had pink eye every single month. I'm like, for fuck's sake. Wow, anyways. Um, but there does come a point where you have to learn how to say no for yourself. And you know me, I'm an overthinker with a lot of things, and it takes me time to make my decisions and everything. I mean, I I just because I'm good at something doesn't mean you get to make me your scapegoat and your whipping boy.

SPEAKER_03 36:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:26

And that's and that's all it is. And you know, they don't realize the harm that does because blaming it on the new person only goes so far.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

But because at some point, I again reiterated to my boss in a conversation we had recently. I said, it feels like there's still a lack of accountability. I said, and not just by the employees, but by managers holding the employees to a standard. I'm the only one that I can tell. Me and this other individual are the two that are most consistent with it. Uh, I was like, because people are complaining about us the most. Ah, they're so mean. They made me actually work instead of standing around talking to my wife on the phone for 20 minutes. Direct quote. Direct quote. I actually fucking heard this individual say it to another individual. I get so tired of those two fucking telling me. Oh, I'm just trying to talk to my wife and my kid. So, yeah. Anyways, so I've had to learn how to say no. And, you know, even my partner, my partner's wonderful with the offer of stay home. Uh, their caveat for staying home, I'm like, no. But I think on a serious note, because my mental health is actually getting bad again. I'm not, I'm starting to get the sweats before I go to work. I'm starting to immediately want to punch people. And it's not, I'm not typically a violent person.

SPEAKER_03 37:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

I've done enough work on that and I've done my time in anger management.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

It hasn't been a real problem. But now I'm just like, I feel like, I feel like Grick Grimes and The Walking Dead. How many of you people do I have to fucking slap before there's some accountability? Anyways, are you finding it you're still having trouble with telling people no, or are you getting that same results? Now that we're outside of the, you know, sex industry, which is so hilarious to me that, you know, now that we're outside of it, are you still finding it challenging when you have to tell people no, or you find you're getting more respect when you just tell people uh no?

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Um, I mean, it's been a while since I've had to tell somebody no.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

I don't even mean on a personal level, I mean about no about anything.

SPEAKER_02 38:33

Yeah, I mean in general, yeah. Um I will definitely say that I'm much better at it than what I was when I was like even in my 30s. Uh, because even then I was still like double booking, like, I want to hang out with this friend because they're doing this thing, and then somebody else asked me to do something else.

SPEAKER_03 38:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

And maybe the timing could work out, but it's too close. Yeah. And so you end up fucking up one or the other. And so I would do that a lot uh back in the day.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

And then end up being I was the asshole because for obvious reasons, because I said yes to too many things.

SPEAKER_00 39:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:16

And the other people didn't really realize that what was going on. And so they thought I said yes to them to do the thing, but I had said yes to another thing, and I didn't tell them.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

So I was the asshole, literally.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

So you've had to learn how to say no to yourself. No. Dag does not gonna schedule seven, you know, I don't have a better way to say it, but it's kind of humorous. Dag does not gonna schedule seven play dates with seven different friends in the span of two hours. Not gonna happen. Unless they're all in a group together. And I don't think all your friends like all your other friends.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Yeah, no. And then also a lot of times it would be something that I wouldn't necessarily be interested in.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Well, usually I was, but there were the rare cases. Yeah, sometimes it was something that is like, I don't really care about this sort of thing. Yeah. But my friend wants me to do it, so I'd say yes anyway.

SPEAKER_01 40:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Knowing that I wasn't really all that interested in it. Or a family member would ask me to do something. I'm like really not fucking interested in doing this, but okay.

SPEAKER_01 40:18

So so do you find that you are actually saying no when you want to say no? Or you're finding that more where it's like 90% of the time you'll say no, or every once in a while you'll make an exception just to Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Also, I started this a fairly long time ago. I've been doing it for at least a decade.

SPEAKER_01 40:36

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Where a lot of times, whenever somebody asks me something, my instant reaction is no.

SPEAKER_01 40:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

Whether or not I'm actually interested in it, my instant reaction is no.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

And that's just to keep yourself from being overbooked, overburdened.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

Yes. And then maybe I'll be like, okay, yeah, I'll do it for whatever if I actually feel like doing it. Or because I don't know, everybody has to do stuff that they don't aren't really interested in for family or friends, or even just for fucking it's called it's called that social obligation. Yeah. Um and so you're going to have things that you're not interested in that you have to do anyway. Or not necessarily have to do, but you should do for for the betterment of everybody involved.

SPEAKER_01 41:25

Yeah, it's when you look at that big picture of well, Julia said that you know, Julia's helped me all these times. I'm I'm gonna help. I hate, I hate being her bulldog at the grocery store, but I'll do it.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

Yeah. Yeah, like there was something that came up a few months ago, I don't remember what it was, but it was something that I was like, I am so fucking not interested in this at all. But then it was like, okay, well, this person's helped me here and here and here, and I really should fucking go and be a good friend and fucking help them with this. I don't remember what it was.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

I believe it was when your friend moved. You did not want anything to do with that because your shoulder which is doing much better.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

Yeah, it's doing way better. Although there hasn't been much improvement recently, but and that might be because your back's not hurting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

Welcome to the adult club. At some point, it just does a cycle of rotation of pain.

SPEAKER_02 42:19

Yeah. But yeah, so I I went and did that anyway. But yeah, the Yeah, between the me finally coming to the realization, and I think this is just a matter of maturity. Yeah. Sometimes you just need to say no.

SPEAKER_01 42:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

Um, the other thing is that you really don't have to go and do anything.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 42:43

I mean, there are some things that you absolutely have to do. You have to keep breathing.

SPEAKER_01 42:46

You have to eat to live, yeah, or at least get the proper nutrients. You gotta shit so that you don't become a bloated block of poop. So, yeah, yeah. There are some base things that you have to do for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

Yes. But um yeah, the the saying no sometimes is more valuable than saying yes.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 43:05

Especially if it's something that you're really uninterested in doing and there's no real you don't really have an obligation to do it. Right? If you have an obligation, that's a different fucking matter. But if it's just something that there's no real reason for you to do it if you don't want to do it, uh don't let your fucking FOMO or fucking uh sense of okay, everybody's gonna be there, so I need to be there.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

Don't let that fucking Yeah, there's a there's a difference between having a social obligation, a familial obligation, but contractual obligation. Yeah, those are all but you have an obligation to yourself. And I'm glad that you're learning how to say no more. There's been a couple times where. I've asked you something, you're like, no. And I'm just like, it, and I'm just like, okay. And it kind of hurt my feelings. But then I think about it and I go, you know what? That's just not really his thing. And and you know what? It's just like, you know, he's we've been doing all these other projects together. He really needs a date to himself. And when I recognize those moments, I'll be like, okay, this is where we're at with recording. So let's skip this week or let's, you know, I don't try to put you in any, like, if I'm not feeling well, I try to let you know. And I'm sure you would let me know. Because, well, for you knowing if you're actually not feeling well, it's a little harder to judge.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

Yeah, because sometimes it's like, oh, I'm feeling fine. And then, oh my God, what the fuck is going on?

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Well, you know, it's it's kind of an interesting thing because I'm really glad you've learned no. And I'm learning, and and maybe it is when you're a highly empathetic person, no is your enemy. But you have to start looking at it like your friend. And a lot of people do not realize the power of no. The power of no can put you in a position in your life where it's just like, I may sound like an asshole to A, B, C, D, but EFG, who's always got my backs, they're like, wow, that's impressive. You're actually taking space and time for yourself. You know, and it's just like, you know, I I try I used to use no in a joking way and then go and do anything. But you know, like at work, if I was just like, no, I'm not doing that. Like they take it seriously, even if I do the work. I had a recent incident where I said that to another manager. I'm like, oh my God, I'm not doing and it was while I was sick, and I'm on double antibiotics, so I'm not contagious, but I gotta work. I gotta, I gotta make money. And this, I never told this co-manager no at all without laughing behind it, be like, no, like that. But I was just so exhausted in that moment because yet again I had to work with a manager that does

Range Story

SPEAKER_01 46:00

nothing, and it was just compounding them like I could tell you some story though, but anyways, and it like literally, if it wasn't so it was the most far left thing I've heard, I didn't feel heard by you. And I so I said no several times in that conversation. I'm like, no, really, there is no way I ever want you to think that I don't know what you're saying, and I want you to know that I did hear you. And um, you know, I don't know if you know, but our boss, they can verify that I did everything without you knowing. So as many times as I could throw that fucking word in there, I did. And and and that for me was the icing on the cake of I oh I was already had one foot pretty much out the door, anyways, probably two weeks prior to that, just because of this manager that does literally does nothing. I mean, you've been into the shop, you've observed they do nothing. Well, they stand at the front rail thinking they're hot shit. They're not. They complain about their back and why I don't I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that. Okay, uh, I I I get paid too much money to do this. Anyways, the power no is amazing because now that I'm going, I am I'm I'm still struggling with my mental health about it, but I'm just like, there is no way in hell I'm gonna continue to be your whipping boy when I'm doing everything. And my favorite things to say is watch the camera. I literally said that, and we had a big meeting, all five managements, which is I'm one too many if you ask my opinion about it, because you know, but because you know somebody else was always getting overtime without me there. Now they're not.

SPEAKER_02 47:56

Isn't there supposed to be an additional person too?

SPEAKER_01 47:59

There's supposed to be a minimum of four at a store my size. There's supposed to be four up to five. There are stores half our size that have six. And the store manager, yeah, the actual manager. So they have but they have six people in the same position as me.

SPEAKER_02 48:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:16

So literally three, three, three, three, three quarters of their people are in a manager position. Pretty much.

SPEAKER_03 48:24

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

If you if you think about this store is small enough, they they have well, they have 23 workers. So 30% of their 35% of their force because including their man, there's 23 people, including their manager, six, you know, assistants, and one actual manager. Yeah. That's that's seven. That's that's like 33, 35%. Okay. Yeah. And what's funny about it is this particular manager, four of them are his besties.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

I mean, I can kind of see that because that way you have that way you can have a minimum of two management people on shift at all times.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

But they don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 49:03

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 49:04

Yeah, they don't. All of them work the same amount of hours a week I do. So they they but they have the manager never works alone. They have a open mid-end every shift. So you have overlaps, but you don't have complete like the way we do it at my shop. But the but the important thing is is that I am now learning the power of no. It feels really crappy to say, no, I'm not going to make that commitment to you, not without knowing what your end game is. So I don't bother saying no to them directly. I just say, Oh, okay, well, I'm gonna do my best. Use the power of no in your head and be like, fuck you.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

I mean, it can be extremely freeing. It really is because it it prevents you from having obligations that you're really not interested in.

SPEAKER_03 49:59

Right.

SPEAKER_02 50:00

Um, so you don't find yourself, okay, when can I fucking leave this whatever's going on? Well, you and my partner be home fucking right now, rather be at somebody else's doing hanging out with somebody else. You can eliminate that sort of thing. Not entirely, obviously, like I was saying, there's other stuff. Um but then also it then allows you to do more of the stuff that you actually legitimately do want to do with the people you actually legitimately want to be doing stuff.

SPEAKER_01 50:31

100%.

SPEAKER_02 50:32

Um then it kind of also it reduces the level of stress. I thought it one of the reasons I was saying yes to a bunch of stuff that I didn't want to be involved in was because I was then stressing about well, if I say no, then blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_01 50:53

It's gonna cause conflict and this weird thing within my group of friends.

SPEAKER_02 50:57

And sometimes it does, but a lot of times that gets resolved way more quickly than the okay, now I have anxiety over going to this thing that I don't want to be involved in and being there and being like, when can I fucking leave? So then you have the like then you get a little built-up anger, yeah, and resentment and stuff. I should have been I didn't need to fucking do this, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

It's amazing. Well, I mean, I'm listening to my partner and you. I'm learning the power. No. Now it's funny, my partner doesn't want me saying no to him. Yeah, but uh he wants me to say no to everybody else. Oh, you guys are gonna record today? Just just say no. Just just I have the day off, just say no. Why? So we can sit around on our own computers playing video games? No. Anyways, I hope everybody has a great day. I hope everybody learns the power of no. Embrace it in a positive way. Don't run around doing the no no no no no song. Please don't do that. Yeah, because it's it's very childish and not appropriate.

SPEAKER_02 51:51

It's for your fun sometimes, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:53

Just do it in your own head. Do it. We've done it in the car. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We've done it like

The Wrap Up

SPEAKER_01 52:00

idiot drivers. No, no, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:03

Welcome to the power of no. Anyways, I hope everybody has a great day. Think about that. The power of no, learn what it can do for you and if it can benefit you. Because I learned from you, it definitely does. And and they don't get to see it, but I do get to see you talking about it. And I can actually see the relief on your face where it's like, yeah, I'm learning. I wouldn't say you've learned your balance, you have learned it's uh better for you to do it. Yeah, but I think you are like at that 95% cusp where you really are going, like I'm good saying no.

SPEAKER_02 52:32

Yeah. And it's fine if they think you're an asshole. That's whatever, that's their problem.

SPEAKER_01 52:37

Like in our personal lives, you know, whatever, at work, I don't care if they think I'm an asshole.

SPEAKER_02 52:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:41

I'm the first one to go, no.

SPEAKER_02 52:44

Nope, not interested.

SPEAKER_01 52:46

Oh, but like I said, I don't actually say no anymore. I'm just like, and in my head, I'm going, fuck you, ain't no way I'm doing your job. I'll try my best. Anyways, you guys have a fantastic day.

SPEAKER_02 52:58

Later.

SPEAKER_01 52:59

Bye. Thank you for joining us on our After Dark journey today. Please follow, like, subscribe, and share. Until next time.

SPEAKER_02 53:22

Later.

SPEAKER_01 53:23

Bye.