UNSTUCKABLE
UNSTUCKABLE is a bi-weekly podcast about getting out of your own way. Coach Kirsty and her husband Anthony bring you conversations, stories and strategies to help you navigate change, quiet self-doubt, and keep moving forward.
UNSTUCKABLE
Episode 9: What If Confidence Is Just Evidence You Collect About Yourself?
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Ready to stop waiting for confidence to arrive and start building it for real? We kick off the year by unpacking what confidence truly is, why the loudest person in the room isn’t always the most self-assured, and how to grow unshakable belief through action, not affirmation. From first reels that took hours to record, to saying yes to speaking gigs, to jumping on the DJ decks, we share the honest steps that change how you see yourself.
We look at the hidden cost of comparison and the validation trap of social media. 'Likes' will spike and crash; identity shouldn’t. You’ll hear why aligning effort with a clear why stabilises nerves, how “evidence stacking” turns small wins into durable self-trust, and why authentic voice beats performance every time. Confidence becomes less about image and more about integrity: doing the thing you care about, even when your hands shake.
You’ll leave with practical steps you can use today: define your reason, choose tiny stretches that build tolerance, welcome feedback without tying it to your worth, and train kinder, more truthful self-talk. We also talk about scaling courage — how the skills you build in a room of 20 translate to a room of 1,000 — and why quiet confidence is often the strongest kind.
If you’re ready to move from “I’ll be confident when…” to “I’m building confidence now,” this one’s for you. Listen, take one small action, and tell us what evidence you’ll collect this week. If the show helps, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find it.
New Year Check-In And Goals
SPEAKER_00And we'll start this episode with a happy new year to anyone who's listening.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, 2026, time to get back to work. No more skyving.
SPEAKER_00Skyving. We should have time to skive. Um before we kick on, what are you taking forward this year? We'll not talk about it in terms of new year's resolutions, but what kind of things are you looking forward to do and all that kind of stuff?
SPEAKER_03Um, so for me, it obviously we sat down and had a conversation, right? About like what we wanted to achieve this year and then how we're gonna support each other to do that. Um so for me it's more I need I, you know, I talked to you about wanting a bit more time for myself, like especially first thing in the morning before Alfie needs us and I need to do stuff in the business, and you need us and all that sort of stuff. So I need you you to wipe your bum, yes.
SPEAKER_00I didn't honestly that was the first thing that popped in my head when you said that there. I didn't enjoy any connotation whatsoever. It's the burn wife job, it's the burn wife's my bum.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. Um, but yeah, that's probably the biggest shift for me at the minute, and then obviously just continuing all of the stuff that I've got set in place for the business for the rest of this year. What's happening?
SPEAKER_00For me, um, few things I'm revisiting, something new happening. So the things I'm revisiting or me meditation, I'm getting back into that. I'd allowed it to drop off a little bit uh last year, and since starting it again, I'm already feeling the benefits again. Makes us wonder why I let it slip. Um, back into reading. Um I finished uh Ryan Holliday's book, The Obstacle is the way, which is fantastic. Um, and aside from those things, um obviously we've got some new exciting stuff coming around the corner, so it's gonna be very soon that I'll activate my business account on Instagram and start promote myself as a coach, a working coach. Um, so yeah, that's all to come as well. Look forward to that, and then between the both, we've obviously got more training to do for the Great North Run this year because we signed up again.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, no, shoot that idea, but never mind.
SPEAKER_00That'll be good, be good. So staying fit, staying healthy. I think that's pretty much the gist of it, and obviously cracking on with all of this stuff as well. So today's topic.
Defining Confidence In Real Terms
SPEAKER_03So, yeah, with all that um rambling about what we're doing for the new year, let's get into the first episode of the new year. So, this episode is all about confidence. So it's about what do people perceive as confidence, what confidence actually is, and how to basically become more confident.
SPEAKER_00I think it's a topic rich for discussion because it gets talked about quite a bit, doesn't it? But I don't know if it's very well understood.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because people talk about wanting to be more confident all the time, right? But do people know how to become more confident? You just expect to wake up tomorrow and just be confident.
SPEAKER_00I've just had an out-of-body experience. You know, those moments I have where it's like a realisation of where I am and what I'm doing in that very precise moment, and it's like, whoa, what the what the if? And sometimes I talk about it when you know it comes to the burn every now and again. I'll look at them and I'll go, holy shit, I'm a dad. Like I just zap out my body and I look grown up, yeah. Literally, all that kind of stuff. Oh, I've got a mortgage. Shit, have I been paying it? I've just had that about this podcast and what we're doing with the business and stuff. I've literally just stepped outside my body and went, Whoa, what are you doing? Yeah, back in the room, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So you was paying. Yeah, so good example, I suppose. What do you think confidence is?
SPEAKER_00What is confidence? That's a that's a really good question. When you feel you have it, it helps you show up more in the places and the environments and the situations that you want to be in and feel comfortable in. So when you feel like you've got it, it's obviously your benefit. Um it's just that feeling that you know you're you're less bothered about things, external factors, like you can walk into a room and not feel embarrassed or or hope they're not looking at us or if you've got something to say or something to do, like you don't feel quite as judged. Um, all that sort of stuff just sort of fades away and you you sort of hold your space a bit better.
SPEAKER_03I think confidence is about like a feeling of fulfilment, a feeling of happiness, like you say, a feeling of like not worrying so much about what other people think, being comfortable with who you are as a person, and therefore being able to live a life that you're happy with, and that's it.
SPEAKER_00I think it's broad reaching, isn't it? It's like it shows up in the moment, the moment stuff, but then it's it sort of affects everything.
SPEAKER_03And I think there's a there's a sort of misconception around confidence where people think you're either confident you're either a confident person or you're just not a confident person, but that in itself, that's just a massive limit in belief. If you're sat there just being like, Well, I'm just not a confident person, you're never gonna be a confident person because you're telling yourself you're not, that's not what you're gonna be, that's not who you're meant to be. I think it's that perception of what people's perception of what confidence is. So I think to get clear, it's then what is confidence not?
What Confidence Is Not
SPEAKER_00Okay, yeah. Well, I will say just before we get onto that, like I can understand how people can hung up on the defin get get hung up on the definition and think, you know, oh I'm not a confident person. I just that's just not me versus someone who is naturally confident because you do get naturally confident people who just don't even have to think about it, they're just some people are almost shameless in a way, like they'll just say and do whatever they want and not feel any sort of burden with that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, see, I'm not fully convinced of that.
SPEAKER_00I know people like that.
SPEAKER_03No, I'm not saying, but what I think the thing is is we see confidence as like that person who's loud, that person who says what they want, that person who is like life and soul of the party, and all that sort of stuff. But I don't think that's what confidence is because you can have people who are like that, right? Who are life and soul of the party, who are um loud and talk about everything and all the rest of it, but are seriously, seriously self-conscious. I've seen it loads online. If you think about like loads of big celebs and stuff, like look at all the Geordie Shaw lasses, right, as an example of this, where they are, you know, they've gone on a short where it they are loud, they're putting themselves out there, they're doing all the things, they look super confident, like they're walking around, like especially when they were younger, like walking around in little dresses and out on the drink all the time and all that sort of stuff, right? But yet when you hear them talk, then like a lot of them went off and got like a load of plastic surgery in that because their confidence was actually on the floor because they were getting like a lot, they were obviously doing all the comparison thing, and they were getting obviously a lot of like comments and stuff online, which then actually resulted in really shit confidence, and like what they thought was confidence was not confidence whatsoever. You think it was more like overcompensating, yeah, and the confidence comes from actually like you're seeing it now. I've seen it with they're all like starting to like get the lip fillers taken out, get the BBLs they've had done taken away, like and stripping themselves back to like themselves, and that's where the confidence comes in because then they're feeling confident enough to do that.
SPEAKER_00They don't need that, yeah.
SPEAKER_03They don't need it's the external validation piece, and that's where I think people get confused with confidence because like you described there, like, oh you know, people who just show up and are loud and blah blah blah.
SPEAKER_00I was thinking more about the comparison bit, so actually I tapped into something that you're touching on now, which is that people see that and they think that equates to confidence, that isn't me, I am not confident. If that makes sense, it's almost like an equation. Um, but that everything you just said there, very astute, yeah. I think very valid. Yeah, yeah, definitely good insight.
Comparison, Social Media, And Validation
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so I think that's probably a key bit around comparison, and like stop looking at other people and thinking, oh, they're just confident and I'm not confident, or I'm never gonna be confident enough to do that thing, or whatever. That's the exact problem that's keeping you stuck from not actually being confident. You use the podcast as an example there where you were like, Oh my god, I'm doing a podcast, like in that accent. You did.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03But like you made that right, like if you went back two years ago, do you think you if I said to you, Oh, you're gonna do a podcast, would you think you had enough confidence to do a podcast like two years ago?
SPEAKER_00100% not like it still takes a bit of getting my head around, even to this day, and yeah, I will have moments that yeah, I was just joking about before. Um, but no, absolutely not. Like, there were no chance.
SPEAKER_03So, what changed? What made you more confident to the point where you sat down there and did the podcast?
SPEAKER_00Because you put a badger as a boot.
SPEAKER_03Because I told you, sit down and do it. Send help. Stop it.
SPEAKER_00Well, you did joke about white meos before, so that's one that's ones each.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00Um, what was the question?
SPEAKER_03So you were saying you weren't comfortable. What changed? What changed to get you to the point where you sat down then said, Oh yeah, let's go.
SPEAKER_00Oh, does it sound wanky that I feel like I've grown that I feel like I've grown as a person?
SPEAKER_03Are you a grown-up now?
SPEAKER_00I feel like I've grown as a person. I think I feel like I've matured and it's sort of happened through lived experience, and you've referenced this many a time because it's it's it's what you know inside out. It's all about that um evidence, evidence stacking, knowing that I've always I've always painted myself as a proper knacker, and I'd say that's still true in some ways, still true. Well, um, some people be listening to this and be going, aye. Um I've managed to sort of shed that a little bit, I think. Um I'll look at myself and how I sort of show up as a dad, as a husband, um the value that I bring. And I think I think I'm all I'm thinking I'm doing all right.
SPEAKER_03So if you think of anybody listening, mate, what things did you do that moved you from I would never do a podcast? Because to be fair, even when we started the business and I mentioned doing a podcast, you were like, no. Um, so not even that long ago, what moved you? Like, what steps did you take that moved you from no not doing that? I haven't got the confidence, don't want to put myself out there to yeah, I'm doing it, I'm sure not doing it every couple of weeks, not bothered. Or are you still are you bothered?
SPEAKER_00No, I'm not bothered about it. I quite enjoy these conversations now. Actually, I think I've said it before that's it. I quite enjoy sitting here and having this face-to-face chat because it's it's not like we're putting anything on, like I actually genuinely enjoy these chats. Um step by step, hard to pin down, but I do think one of the uh reasons I was able to get to where I am now is because I understood what it meant and what it was part of the bigger picture. So this is obviously part of the business, and I was able to reconcile with this pretty easily when I understood that we have this uh business that we're trying to build, we have this life that we're trying to build, we are trying to build something for Alfie. So I had a really good reason, a really good why fueling all of this. Okay, um but that from that point onwards, I think it came naturally through the things that I was doing that I hadn't done before, taking myself out of my comfort zone in different ways. I mean, I trained to be a coach, I've practiced coaching, I've actually done it. Um, this the conversations that we have on this podcast certainly feel like an extension of that because it's all linked, yeah. Um, so it feels a bit more natural in that respect. Yeah, there's other examples which I'm I can't reel off right now, but it it is all about sort of taking those opportunities to take it to take yourself outside of your comfort zone here and there, and it doesn't have to be like a massive stretch or anything like that. It's just every now and again, just a little bit of a push, a little bit of a push, push, yeah, push the ends. It grows, doesn't it?
Action Before Confidence: The Podcast Example
SPEAKER_03But that's the thing. So think about it. What you've just said there, your why was solidified, you know why you're doing it, right? You've pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone and you've done things that make you feel uncomfortable. So before we did the podcast, you recorded a few videos for Maggie's. So, like, that was the first step of putting yourself out here. If you think about when you recorded those videos, like it took her quite a while to record the videos, like you were uncomfortable about it. It wasn't something that you particularly were like you want you wanted to do it, but you didn't want to do it. Do you know what I mean? Like, you didn't want to put yourself out there, but the bit the why was bigger than that. It was like, but I need to do this because I need to share my story, because I need to shout about Maggies, and I need to raise awareness because I don't want I want anybody else to go through what I've gone through, and I want somebody to, you know, be able to recognise the signs, and if I can help one person, then amazing, and like that's the point, right? So you've done stuff that you didn't particularly want to do because but you knew you had to do it, and you had to just push yourself to do it, and then what happens is your confidence grows because then you did those videos and then you put them out there, realize that oh nothing felt a bit okay. Let's do a pod, let's do the podcast, let's do like, and even the first episode of the podcast versus this episode of the podcast. Yeah, yeah, there's a difference, right? In in how you show up and how we do them and and all that sort of stuff.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_03That's confidence.
SPEAKER_00Is this what it's like to be one of your clients?
SPEAKER_03Er no, it's worse. Worse. No, it's worse when you want to be clients. I definitely don't let you off the hook. Um, but that's the point though, right? So you think if you th if you break it down like that, like you've become more confident and you've accepted that you're gonna have to do some uncomfortable stuff and you're gonna have to do more uncomfortable stuff. But the point is you've got to do it before you're ready, and that's the problem. People are like, Oh, I'm just gonna wait, like I'll wait until I've lost some weight, I'll wait until I've like rehearsed this thing 20 gazillion times, like whatever, but you're never gonna be ready, and that's a problem.
SPEAKER_00Tell you one thing that um you were just speaking about before, and I think it's worth bringing back. Yeah, you recognised that I was being driven by me why and stuff, and I think that's probably a factor that helps versus not having that, and when you're not having that, what are you actually looking for or looking towards when you're trying to build confidence? What does that stem from? Yeah, and it could be like again, you referenced it like external validation and stuff like that, yeah. And I think you're probably setting that yourself for a fall if that's the driving factor.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, absolutely. Because in in in you know, we'll we'll come back to social media quite a bit because it is such a massive part of people's lives now, right? But social media is a massive trap around this sort of stuff, around validation, because you can put videos out there and that you think are really good and you put loads of time and effort in it. Like, and this is a funny thing, and I talked to my coach about this, and so I was talking about about it today, is like you can do videos and you put loads of time and effort in, and you're making them all like absolutely immaculate, and then absolutely shit all happens with them, and nobody likes them, and whatever, and then you can do something that's just stupid and off the cuff and takes you two minutes to do, and then it gets like loads of views and loads of likes and loads of shares and all that sort of stuff, and that's a problem. Like, if you're clinging to that and uh you you're waiting for somebody else to do tell you that you're doing a good job.
SPEAKER_00It's like if you're waiting for that external validation, then it's gonna be hit and miss. Like, it's it's unreasonable to think that you're gonna get that external validation every single time. Yeah, um, there's a theme, and it appears throughout a load of different sort of principles and concepts, all to do with success, getting getting further in life and living a good life and all that kind of stuff, and it always comes back to whatever you're doing, it has to come from within. And it's something I'm gonna be talking about quite a bit when I start to launch my practice and explain to people what I do and uh reach out to people who might want to work with us and stuff. But it's all about coming from within. This being a case point, like you you need to build confidence from within. It's like what do you want to be confident about and and sort of uh give yourself the evidence that you are better than the version of yourself that you are currently.
SPEAKER_03That's what it's and that's the thing, it's about compete it what you need to start doing is stop competing with everybody else and start competing with yourself.
SPEAKER_00That's what I was trying to say.
Evidence Stacking And Small Wins
SPEAKER_03I watched a video the other I just seen this random clip on YouTube the other day, and it was this woman, and she was talking about like at age, so she was like, This year I'm like 45 or something. She was like, and this is version 4.5. She went and I look at it and I think, right, what does version 4 like what is version 4.5 of me? Let's have a look at version 4.4, and like what do I want to continue to do that 4.4 did, and what do I want to stop doing that 4.4 did, and start like just using yourself as the comparison. Uh-huh. Learn ins and growing, and it's not about like this is the thing with confidence, like you're not gonna change overnight, like it is gonna take time, it is like one step every day, little by little by little by little.
SPEAKER_00I think what sort of ties into this quite nicely, this whole internal versus external validation thing, is that I mentioned it, you it's unreasonable to think that you're gonna get those affirmations, those positive um validations, those that that feedback all the time, and so and so it's daft to rely on it to to strive for it, and because there's gonna be variance in that, and when you don't get what you're seeking from other people, it's gonna feel like you're gonna feel disappointed, it's gonna knock your confidence because have it's gonna have a negative impact on it.
SPEAKER_03But that's a perfect example of like I was using with the Georgia Show guys, like the because they obviously all were like so heavily in social media and so heavily like in the media and all of that sort of stuff. It's like getting all the likes and stuff on videos, but then having a video where people are griefing what they're wearing or talking about that look, because obviously that's just the the shit that blessed them all. They're like they got that like a gazillion fall to any normal person.
SPEAKER_00And this was before social media even looked like it does now. Probably before they like properly blew up stuff. Um but that but using them as an example, them influencers, people that really put themselves out there. Take them out the equation and let's think about people like you and me, entrepreneurs, small business owners, people just want to get ahead in their career. Unlike those influencers, you're not getting the attention that you think you do. I think that's important to recognise because the examples we're using they are inviting that attention, they they're looking for it and they they in a way thrive on it, they're built off of it, even though it does have a detrimental impact, which they've had they've come to learn. Yeah, um, but one of the things that knocks people's confidence before they even get out of the gate is. The idea that people are looking and judging at them, judging them, and it's like most of the kids they're not.
SPEAKER_03I think they are this is the realisation that nobody gives a shit as much as you give a shit about yourself, like and if you're bothered by that, then reassess what you're doing, yeah. But that's a reality, like you in it, it's so easy like to consume yourself in that because you think everybody else should care as much as you care, but the reality is it's it's just not the case, like everyone's got their own shit going on when they go home and shut the door, everyone's got their own stuff, they've got their own bills to pay, they've got their own motivations, they've got their own values, they've got their own beliefs on everything. Like, how do you expect somebody that sees you for like a few hours a day as an example, or sees a video of you online, to care about you as much as they care about themselves?
SPEAKER_00Like, especially when if you say you do pop up on social media and you are the clip that they see, you're gonna be followed by another clip in like 30 seconds, and then another one, and then another one, and then you're dust. Like, yeah, unless they're really, really invested in you for whatever reason, and if they are by the way, congratulations, yeah. But um, if then if they're not, if you're sort of starting out, if you're building yourself up, then you've got a lot of space and a lot of time to get to the point where people really start to take and notice. Um, and that's where the practice comes in, that's where the evidence stacking starts to come in because you've got that time and space to keep going and keep building your confidence.
SPEAKER_03And you see, I see there's loads with like people who've like properly like done, you know, like making millions, like multi-million pound companies and stuff, and they all say it like when it comes to social media and that like I post and I leave it, I don't use it, I don't I don't sit there like viewing the analytics, and I fell into that trap, especially like when I was starting out and stuff, constantly like reviewing analytics or you pin so much meaning on the checking uh checking all the time how many likes, how many likes, how many likes? Oh one, oh nobody's like that sort of thing.
SPEAKER_00But where we're coming from with social media, and again for any entrepreneurs, small business owners, um, that kind of stuff, like it's not even about the likes, it's about the um it's about the reach, isn't it? It's about it's you have something to say, you have something to offer, and you need to get that in front in front of as many eyes as possible. It's almost like marketing, it's like advertising in a way. Um and as long as I say it, that's a tick in that box. What you don't want to do is pin all your hopes on someone going, oh that was amazing, oh that's great. Like that's a bonus.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But it's just a bonus.
Perception, Authenticity, And Identity
SPEAKER_03People are lazy. I've even find myself doing it sometimes now. I'll see something that somebody's done, and I'm like, oh, that's really good. And then I'll scroll past it, and then I'm like, no, no, go back, like it, like and catch yourself. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm like, oh well, I would like that if somebody saw something that I did and they liked it, just to like it or comment on it or something. Um, but this is the point, like you just we are selfish creatures, we are all consumed with what we're doing, egotistical as well. Yeah, I think it's important to note here, like we all live in a perception of reality, right?
SPEAKER_00Oh, going off a deep end, alright.
SPEAKER_03No, but this is so when we think about confidence, like all of that, like what somebody looks like who is confident, right? The reality is whether you perceive somebody to be confident or not, you have not got a single clue whether that person is confident or not. Yeah, right? Yeah, and that's the point. We're all living in a perception. I'm perceiving the world from my eyes through my brain, and I am perceiving that you've got your own lens, yeah. Yeah, like we're all living in different realities, or no matter what you think, people are thinking about you, their perception of you is different to your reality, and it hangs a lot on things like your ego as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like I know what you're talking about, a perception of reality, and how other people see you and stuff like that, but when you internalize these fears and these anxieties, a lot of it does come back to ego, and it's like, how are people gonna perceive me if I say something that I get embarrassed by, or you know, all those kinds of things like behaving a certain way, like I've got to be a certain way, I've got to act a certain way, I've got to talk a certain way. Like those are the kinds of stresses that we create, and we add so much pressure on ourselves because we think that's what people want to see, want to hear, um, all that kind of stuff, and that doesn't help at all. No, a lot of um this a lot of these problems I think go away when you can put your ego to side to to one side and just try and be a bit more authentic.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that's what it comes back to. It's about being authentic, being true to who you are. That's it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because it it as long as you're not afraid to sort of be yourself. I think that's a tall ask. When I say it out loud, I think that maybe's a tall ask, and it's probably something that if someone was working on their confidence, it's something that maybe they can uh see as um a good place to be later on down the line, where they feel like they are showing up naturally. I feel like that now. I feel like with the work that I've done, again, it's all about evidence that and stuff. Yeah, I think the amount of time I've spent, the amount of years I've spent in LD, we've had to put myself in those situations, I've had to take myself out of my comfort zone. I have sort of evolved from being a certain way and talking in a certain way on all that kind of stuff to being a little bit more natural with with my approach. And what what has happened is people are alright with that. Yeah I don't get I don't have people saying well anything bad. Well, not let me face it, it's not just like this off, but I I don't get any negative feedback for carrying on the way that I do, talking the way I do and stuff. People tend to it tends to resonate with people, which is which also builds confidence when you get that when people you notice that if that makes sense. So when I know I'm making a good impression, and I didn't do anything to earn it, I just I was just myself. That's a feedback look right there where it can build confidence as well, I think. Yeah. So let's stop talking about me for a bit because I feel like we're done that. I and I shut up you brought it up. Um so let's talk about some of the pitfalls, some of the traps that people fall into when it comes to confidence and thinking they have to do something in order to achieve confidence or something that that that leads them holding themselves back when it comes back to the top of confidence. One thing that people are always making a mistake of, as far as I can see, is um they think they'll be able to do the thing they want to do when confidence has arrived. So they need the confidence first to do the thing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's just rubbish, isn't it? Let's face it. Like the age old I'll be confident when I've lost all of the weight. And then you see it time and time again, people will lose all the weight, and then they're like, Oh, I'm not confident. Because they're still seeing the bigger version of themselves when they look in the mirror.
SPEAKER_00Like, it's not about you've got a negative perception of yourself, yeah.
DJ Decks, Speaking Gigs, And Applied Courage
SPEAKER_03It's all about that your perception of yourself, it's got nothing to do with what you look like. Yes, it can help, right? Like being healthier, losing some weight, all that stuff definitely will help. Like, I've lost quite a bit of weight over the last couple of years, and yes, that's helped, but that's not the be all and end all. But if I'd sat there and said, Right, I'm not gonna launch this business until I've lost three stone, so I can feel confident enough to post online and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_03You've said yourself then I would just I would only be starting a frickin' now, and then imagine where we'd be like two years down the line.
SPEAKER_00Like you said this yourself, and I hope you don't mind us bringing this up bringing it up. What I love it when you say that. Oh, yeah, we'll go like something dreadful is about that. Well no, you said it yourself, you did exactly that, as you've just described. You started posting online and and starting to make um starting to try and make a name for yourself and the business, yeah, and you did it without having that confidence in place first. And you rightly pointed out that you've lost a load of weight, you look fantastic, but you always look fantastic, and you never held that and and you never held that opinion of yourself, and you possibly still don't think you look fantastic, do you? Would that be right to say? Yeah, even though you do. Um, but certainly a couple of years ago when you first started putting out those wheels, and we've still got them, um, that to look back on. I think you saw one other day, and you were like, Oh, look at the sizes, uh, I can't believe how I sound and all that kind of stuff. And it's like you look perfectly fine, and you sound perfectly fine, and the messages on point, but it you obviously weren't in that headspace when you did it, and you can still judge yourself for it, but you did it.
SPEAKER_03But and I know you're saying that, you're saying it's fine, but you look, you've looked at videos and you're like, oh my god, look at the difference. Not in what I know you you're not looking at it in a di in like oh, you look Lord Slimmer, because I know even though I do, you won't say that because you don't want to be like whatever. But minefield exactly, but like you see it from a session of like look at how you're coming across, look at how more comfortable you are, look at the journey, yeah. And that's a point, mate. Like, when you look back, if I think about that, either first video we posted, awful, like it took how many hours did it take to do that fucking 60 second reel. Like, I swear to god, that took about three hours. Got a babysitter, and I was flipping, stressing about what wear, and I had a full face and makeup on, and I was like, How do I sit? What do I look like? Uh do it, do it, do it, do it, do it again, do it again, do it. We must have recorded that about 20,000 times.
SPEAKER_00And it was completely new to you as well, wasn't it? Yeah, like you had that nice dress on and never anything.
SPEAKER_03I felt so unconfident. I'd not long had a baby, I'd put a lot of weight on. I have never like I've used social media, but it's only I've only ever used it in a way of like a couple of selfies on a night out, a couple of selfies on holiday, and posting that, right? Like that's all if you look back through me social media. I mean, I haven't even posted on my personal social media and god knows how long.
SPEAKER_00Um and it would always be stories of the gone shortly after, anyway.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but now, like the other day I was in mid-run and I just stopped and started recording and talked to the camera and posted. Bit lazy, like mid-run, a bit lazy, shut up. But that's a point though, like if you told me that I would be confident enough to do a video like that, sweaty, not a scrap of makeup on, like looking like a I'd been ragged through a hedge backwards, like when in fact you'd only done half a run. But but my confidence has massively grown over the last couple of years, and I know you can see that 100%. Um but none of that come from waiting. Like, I I wouldn't be this confident right now if I'd waited to lose weight, if I'd waited until I knew exactly what I was doing with social media, if I'd waited until I was making X amount of money in the business, if I'd waited, do you know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't have lost the weight if I'd wait I I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd waited. The point was I took action and I started doing the thing that I didn't want to do, that I felt uncomfortable with, and I fucking did it anyway. And that's a thing. So even like we've got quite a bit coming up this year in terms of like so I've got four speaking gigs booked in in the next couple of months. You've got one booked in that I've booked us in for that you yeah, and like am I ready? Do I feel You're more ready than me? Well, yeah, but do I feel like super confident that I'm gonna go in and know exactly what I'm doing and I'm gonna completely smash it? Do I hell? Like, I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable than I did two years ago. Yeah, I've done a couple, and I'm a lot more confident about doing it than I was when the first one I did, the second one I did, and then that's the point is like I'll do the one that I've got next week, and I'll learn from it, and I'll get a little bit more confident, and I'll do the one that I've got a couple of weeks later, and then I'll learn from it, and I'll get a little bit more confident, and then I'll do another one, and then before you know it, you're just doing it off the cuff, and you are feeling more confident about it. You think that's true? What do you mean?
SPEAKER_00Do you think that's true that you'll actually get to a point where actually you are just doing it off the cuff? I think you'll always have that element of performance anxiety.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, definitely. So I think you'll but I think I'll you can manage it better. Yes, you can manage it better because it'll be scalable. It's that thing, right? Like if you see speakers as an example, if somebody you can't expect your first speaking gig if you're feeling nervous and you're doing it to 20 people, right? And think, oh well, I'll be super confident once I've done 20 speaking gigs talking to 20 people, but then you stood on a stage with like a thousand people in front of you, of course that's gonna be way of course that's gonna be more nerve-wracking because it's it's a different scale, it's a bigger thing, da da da da da. But what you've done by doing those 20 speaking gigs to 20 people is give yourself a shit ton of evidence that you can do it, yeah, that you've learnt from it, that your confidence has built, and then you can tell yourself, like what I'm telling myself is do I feel already? No, am I gonna do it anyway? Yes, am I gonna face my fears and go for it? Absolutely, and then I'll get a bit more confident at the end of it, and then I'll do it again, and then I'll do it again.
SPEAKER_00I think as well with the practice, you can start to as long as you you think about these things properly, you can start to um rationalise what's going on in your mind when you start to get nervous as that scale increases, as you put it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because you know it's coming you know it's coming, you know, you learn how to deal with you know how to carry yourself, how to talk, you've proven to yourself that you can do these things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, whether it's a rumour of 20 and a rumour of a thousand, what do you think that increase in numbers of people in the room is going to change? You are just doing what you've done all the time up until that point, having an extra 980 people in the room. What does that change as far as you turning up, doing your piece, showing your expertise, you know, letting your personality shine? Things that you've been doing week in, week out, or month in, month out, up until that stage, what does it matter? It's like a boxer going into the ring and thinking, Oh, I've only four people with 20 people in the in the room before. Now I'm fighting in an arena. Like you're still you're still there as the person there to do a job. Like that's one tier. There's other ways of looking at it, but it's just like it's it's all about that rationalizing thing, yeah. So just before we get into the the practical aspects of building confidence and that kind of stuff, I think it'd be nice to summarise what we've been talking about there because we covered a bit of ground. I think it's good to understand that confidence doesn't come first, which is what we led with, what it does come from is your sense of identity and your relationship with yourself, who you are as a person, it comes from within and it doesn't stand up very well when it stems from comparing to others and and worrying about what other people think, and exactly that, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So if I give you a good example here we enjoy well, uh more now because of you, enjoy playing music on your decks and that right. Don't start with a smug little grin.
SPEAKER_00What do you honor about? Everyone that listens to you DJs is you're better than me.
SPEAKER_03So well, not hard, but anyway. Um but like I remember a party at my friend's house in the garden, and um I got up DJing, and I remember feeling so self-conscious and so uncomfortable, and I kind of wanted to I wanted to be the person the kind of person that did that stuff and enjoyed it, but also felt so horrifically uncomfortable, but I did it, and so it was appealing and did it really feeling really uncomfortable, and I can guarantee I'll be able to find videos now, and I look uncomfortable as fuck, and I'm like, get the camera out my face, so it's like there were moments when you looked like you were enjoying it as a low, yeah, but that's a point, right? But I was so worried about what other people were thinking about is about my weight, about all that sort of stuff, and the problem wasn't everybody else, the problem was me, the problem was how I felt about myself rather than anybody else, like anybody else whatsoever, because like you say, people that always like oh KSD go on, get on the desk, but I'm just like, oh no, can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. But then if you think back to like last year, well say last year it was like just before last year, for your 40th, and I got up the decks and did a full hour set. Best set of the night, just sane, according to my mum as well. So and then obviously my friend had a party the other week, the uh a couple of months ago, and I got up and did an hour there, and I was just like, Yeah, not bothered, blah blah blah. But what's changed in that is not my ability to do it a little bit better, it's got a little bit better, but I'm still not very fucking good, but whatever. But what's changed is my mindset about me. I'm don't care as much about what other people think of us anymore.
SPEAKER_00You're embracing it more and enjoying it more.
SPEAKER_03I want I wanted to do that stuff because I'm like, that looks really fun, that looks like a frisk, that looks like a right laugh, but I was stopping myself from doing it because I didn't feel confident enough. But the point was I needed to just start doing it in order to enjoy it, yeah. To be able to actually just have fun flipping. Do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Good example.
Quiet Confidence And Practical Steps
SPEAKER_03Okay, so let's stop yapping and let's start talking about actual practical takeaway steps for people to do.
SPEAKER_00Uh the risk of sounding like a broken record. Think about what it is you're wanting to do and then do it. Like obviously, not maybe you have like a big goal in mind, and maybe so like we're talking about speaking, right?
SPEAKER_03Don't be like, I want to speak at flipping a toma con in front of 2,000 people. I'm just gonna do that tomorrow and absolutely pat me pants. Or you can be like, right, I'm gonna go and do a speaking gig in front of 10 people, I'm gonna do an online masterclass in front, like that's the small steps to start doing. So, like, if you were like, we use a toma con because we went last year, last year didn't we? And it's obviously massive in Newcastle. But if I'm a small business owner and I'm thinking I want to be speaking at big events like that, I'm not just gonna go and pitch to a Tomicon tomorrow. I'm gonna start doing master classes um and speak to people. I'm gonna go networking events and speak to people. I'm gonna go and do small speaking gigs, I'm gonna start doing workshops, I'm gonna start doing in-person stuff, I'm gonna do all these little things to get me to the point where I'm talking on stage like that in a year or two or whatever that looks like. And that's point so yeah, break it down into small steps, think about what it is that you want to do, and then start doing things to get you to that point.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's all I was gonna say.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but I said it better.
SPEAKER_00Tell you what's another thing. It's understand your reason for doing it. So um as part of this business, we are doing these things, podcasts, speaking gigs, upcoming, um, showing up online, that kind of stuff. Stuff that is and has taken you out of her comfort zone. But the reason we're doing it isn't just for the sake of it. We're not thinking my goal in life is to do a speaking gig. What we're thinking is we have a business, and this is all part and parcel of helping that business grow. Yeah. And that's a motivating factor. So what it does is if you've got a solid why that motivates you, then it helps to dampen any potential crises of confidence. Imagine you put yourself in a situation where you don't quite understand why it is you're actually doing it. How easy is it to think, What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing here? And then back out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so not backing out, but there's still you still even if you're wise strong enough, you still get that. Like you just had that with the podcaster, like you were just like, Oh, what the hell am I doing?
SPEAKER_00Oh no, I wasn't questioning it though. It was like more like just a whoa, like this is actually happening type thing. Yeah, yeah. Um, but someone could experience that, but without understanding why they're even there or what they're even doing in the first place, the reason for what they're doing in the first place, and then so when that sort of moment hits, it's not a case of whoa, this is mad. It's more like Jesus, what like it's like I've just jumped over a plane without power shoes, what's going on? Yeah, like it's that kind of thing. So, yeah, I think you just need to remember why it is you're doing it, have a solid, have a good reason for doing it, a reason that fits with you and sits well with you uh internally. I think that's that's key.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so the steps clarify your why, what is it that you actually want, and why are you doing it? Um stack evidence along the way, use the small steps, use that as evidence, have a wins journal, write it down, remind yourself because it is so easy. The way our brains are wired is like you'll do 10 things to get you towards that, being more confident, doing the things that you want to be doing, and then one thing will go bad, and you'll go right back to zero. Yeah, and the key point here is not go back to zero, use those other ten things as evidence of like this is just a blip, I'm gonna go again, I'm gonna keep going, all of that sort of stuff. So, small steps first, clarify your why, evidence stacking, making sure that you you build that evidence up and letting your brain know that it's all alright.
SPEAKER_00Um I think the important one is accept the feedback, and that feedback can come from within as well. You mentioned um that you might experience something where it doesn't go perfectly or doesn't go particularly well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you it's use feed, use feedback as evidence. Yeah, yeah. So like whether it's good or bad, use it as evidence.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, don't get hung up on it, don't think it's a criticism, and this can come from within, it comes from another person. Wherever it comes from, it needs to happen. You need to have that. There's no point in going through all these steps and doing all these things, thinking that every little milestone or whatever it is that you're working towards, it's going to land perfectly. It simply cannot. And understanding that it can it will make you a little bit more thick skinned as you go through this process as well. Yeah, and then you've got more um about you where you can take that feedback and learn from it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, exactly. And then I would think the last thing is about how are you talking to yourself? What are the what are the limiting beliefs you've got about yourself and how do you change that? What do you need to do to change that? Like, do you need to have do daily affirmations? Do you need to do meditations around self-love and all that sort of stuff?
SPEAKER_00Do you need to um just clear your mind, go for a run or a walk or something like that?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, um, do you need to literally talk to yourself in the mirror and like say there's loads of there's loads of different stuff, and some of it you'll be like, absolutely not, and some of it'll be like I'll give it a go.
SPEAKER_00But speak for friends if you've got family, like interact with your family and remind yourself how loved you are and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_03No, but I think it's the I think it's more about you personally. Okay, I don't think it's about ask it's that external validation piece again, yeah. Like it's not about clinging on to external validation, it's about you being able to validate yourself, how you feel. That's where true confidence comes from, of you really being like, actually, this is who I am, and I actually quite like who I am, and not everybody's gonna like that.
SPEAKER_00I get it, I get it. What I will say is the the family example is slightly different because if your family hated you, but you felt better about yourself, it's like narcissist. But if your family love you, that's a positive reflection of you and who you are, and you can take that.
SPEAKER_03But I don't think it's that black and white because I think you can be in families that you are doing something really good and you are being a good person, but dependent on your family, like they could then not like you, they could then be jealous of what you're doing, they could then because not everybody because what you've got to remember is not everybody has the families that we have, yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the that's the point with this. Like, not everybody has that same support system. So, what I'm trying to get at here is actually stop worrying and thinking about what everybody else is saying and just be true to you and figure out what who that is, and it will take a little bit of work around how you talk yourself. This is where proper true confidence comes in, not just being the loudest person in the room, not just being the person who posts on social media, that's not confidence. Confidence is having the confidence to do what you want to do when you want to do it, and make sure it matters to you as well. Yeah, all right.
SPEAKER_00I'll stand corrected. Go on.
SPEAKER_04Yes, you will.
SPEAKER_00But it's a that was a really good insight that you shared there about like we don't have like people don't have the same families, like one family's different than the next, and all that kind of stuff. I had a vision in that moment where I was like, I was just comfortable see you in the Ben in the living room or something and just give me as a hug and just remind me seller, um, and then I read like and and that's a nice little reminder, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And you can do it from that possession, but at the same time, like it yeah, yeah, it's different, different for people, horses for courses, all that kind of stuff. Definitely. I think to close, just we've gave you those five different things to do and try. Um like the five things you need to start doing to build more confidence. Um and what I would just say is just remember that confidence isn't something it's it's not about being proper loud, it's and all that sort of stuff. It's the things you do yourself quietly, quietly coaching yourself and supporting yourself and giving yourself what you need, that's where confidence comes from.
Closing Notes And Check Out Our YouTube Channel!
SPEAKER_00Quietly is a good word. I think it's starting to get overused, but I won't stop using it because it because it articulates precisely what it's supposed to. I think in this sort of um in this sort of arena that we're talking in where confidence matters and resilience matters and all that kind of stuff, it's it's it's important to be able to do these things without the need to show off about it for other people to recognise it. You need to recognise it in yourself, and that's where the quiet part comes in. I think that's really important. Yeah, lots to think about there. I think that was a really good conversation. Hopefully, anyone that was listening agrees and got some value out of it. Um anything else before we dug out?
SPEAKER_04No, that's it for me.
SPEAKER_00That's it for me as well. So thanks for listening, those that did. Liam, cheers.
SPEAKER_03Make sure you like, share, and subscribe, please. It will mean absolutely everything to me and help grow the business.
SPEAKER_00And if you are listening to this and you're interested in more content outside of these podcasts, we've got a YouTube channel.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, go and check out some of my new videos.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you just gotta look up expansions coaching. Um, you can also look up Unstuckable the podcast. So if you listen to this on Spotify or at the music or anything like that, you're wondering what one mugs look like. Yeah, you can watch well, yeah. It's it's a vodcast as well as a podcast, so you can go and watch the videos of these podcasts, but also Kirsty's doing uh a series of call educational videos about some of the topics we explore, some of the topics that come up in these conversations.
SPEAKER_03Um, you've just started a new series, yeah, which is all about own who the hell you are, which is obviously linked a lot to confidence, so go watch it and it might help.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. With that, let's say to Lou. Bye. Bye.