UNSTUCKABLE
UNSTUCKABLE is a bi-weekly podcast about getting out of your own way. Coach Kirsty and her husband Anthony bring you conversations, stories and strategies to help you navigate change, quiet self-doubt, and keep moving forward.
UNSTUCKABLE
Episode 10: Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish And How To Make It Work
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Feeling guilty for wanting time to yourself? We challenge the myth that self-care is selfish and show how prioritising your needs is the most reliable way to create a calmer home, clearer mind, and more resilient life. From the pressure many women feel to carry everything to the hidden cost of “being fine,” we explore the stories that keep people stuck in burnout and offer a clearer path out.
We get practical fast: redefining self-care as maintenance, not indulgence; swapping the “no time” script for honest priorities; and building tiny systems that make healthy choices easier than scrolling. You’ll hear how we map needs together—early quiet time, planned runs, simple routines—and why micro-changes beat all-or-nothing resolutions. We dig into journaling as awareness training, how to spot what truly nourishes you, and why consistency creates confidence. We also talk therapy without the stigma, using it proactively to unstick patterns like rejection sensitivity before they wreck momentum.
Enjoyed the conversation? Please like, share, and subscribe—and drop us a note with the one small habit you’re committing to this week. For more content, check out the YouTube channel at Expansions Coach.
And today's episode is largely going to be focused around things to do with control, self-prioritisation, that kind of stuff. When we think about putting yourself first, that's going to be sort of the central point around today's conversation. That doesn't tend to be received quite well when you talk about that, sort of saying, Oh, I'm going to put myself first for once, that kind of thing. Like, what where do you think that stems from?
SPEAKER_02I think it can be seen as being selfish, though, right? Like that's ultimately like if you're putting yourself first, people can perceive that as being really selfish, but that's just categorically not the case.
SPEAKER_01Do you think anyone has it worse when they talk like that?
SPEAKER_02I think women have it worse. Not give you a load of shit, but there's um I think there's a lot of pressure, and some of it's my own fault, some of it will put on myself, like the pressure that we put on myself. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself about doing everything and looking after everybody else and being that natural like caregiver, I suppose, role. Um, and that's where I think self-care and all that sort of stuff can slip, but then comes with that major issues.
Gendered Expectations And Caregiving Pressure
SPEAKER_01Strange one, isn't it? This whole connotation around putting yourself forward as a making yourself a priority carries these connotations.
SPEAKER_02Well, what do you do you think there's a difference between men and women with this?
SPEAKER_01Potentially. Yeah. What do you mean potentially it's uh I don't experience that first hand. I don't think I put on you, and I don't think you can expect a negative response from me if you were to say that to me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but that's a th that's a key though, right? It's not about your thoughts of course on it, it's the pressure we put on ourselves as women to do that stuff. And I think it's a funny one as well, because I think you hear a lot of stuff. So if you take an example of women um when they have kids and stuff, and I have seen loads of videos online of women like like I ask to go and have a shower, I have to ask to so have some time with myself, but like my husband doesn't care, doesn't ask, just goes and does what they want, when they want, and without a sort of thought and stuff. And I'm like, but then like with how much of that is is our own fault? Because like you don't do that, like I'll say, right, are you alright? I'm gonna go and have a shower, but then you'll also say that. Like, it's not like you're just like, I'm just gonna do what I want when I want, like, you still are conscious of that stuff.
SPEAKER_01Those are the standards that we've set for ourselves, isn't it? And we've not sort of spoken about and said it has to be this way, it's just it's more of a mutual respect thing, yeah. And maybe people don't have enough respect for themselves, and that's when they start to get a little bit pushed and pulled in these types of scenarios. Um, it's probably quite complicated when you think about it, but it doesn't change the fact that this whole idea of putting yourself first above others, or at least how it sounds when you say that, um that connotation, yeah, it doesn't it doesn't immediately invite a positive response in most cases. And I think, yeah, it's a good one to unpack because the the fact of the matter is sometimes you need to.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely, because I think that's a problem if you don't actually take care of yourself, and and when I say take care of yourself and put yourself first and all that sort of stuff, that looks different for everybody, like that looks absolutely different for everybody. So this is not saying like you have to go and do these five things, you have to go and do whatever it is for you. Like for some people it's just I just want 10 minutes on my own with a cup of tea in the morning, like for other people it's like I need to go and do three workouts a week, for other people it's like I need a friggin' weekend away with nobody wanting it, like it is completely different for everybody, and I think it it it changes and stuff as well. Um, but the point is if you don't do any of that and if you're just forever showing up for everybody else and you're not showing up for yourself and you're not prioritising yourself, then what happens? Like you end up like being completely burnt out or getting depression, or you know what I mean? Like, there's but then what happens off the back of that is like if I'm then really burnt out, how can I be the best man for Alfie? How can I be the best wife for you? Like, and that's the knock-on effect, and that's where it comes in because you can't if you don't look after yourself, then these things will happen.
SPEAKER_01Very well put. Uh yeah, no notes.
SPEAKER_02That's no notes, all done.
SPEAKER_01But that's that that that is uh it's really important. I mean, as we get into it, it's just worth recognising up front that it is a really important thing that people should be aware of and should be trying to practice as much as possible. That's self-care thing, that self-prioritisation thing, because a healthy you means a healthy environment. Yeah, it it rubs off on people. Like if you are like a bear with a bad head and you are um interacting with other people in that sort of frame of mind in that headspace, then they're gonna feel that, they're gonna sort of um experience that in their own ways, like that's just that's just normal, that's natural, and I'm sure a lot of people can identify with that. Um we've all been there. So at the same time, if you are under pressure, which is an even worse feeling, I think when you're under pressure and you're stressed and that kind of stuff, like nothing worse than knowing that like you're carrying that and you're sort of bringing that to the table wherever you go. Like so let's try and imagine what a person might look like or sound like or feel like um where this kind of thing shows up. Like what what springs to your mind?
Burnout Risks And Healthy Environments
SPEAKER_02If I think about it through a female lens, naturally, um, but I think it's around things like constantly making sure everybody else is okay, spending all the time like worrying about what other people think, um, or how you're coming across, or like all of that sort of stuff. Um not really probably looking after yourself as much as you should do, not or you would like to. Yeah. Um not eating properly, not exercising, not making sure you've got the time. And I know like time is such a difficult one, right? Because we're all say it, we haven't got enough time, like there's just not enough time to get stuff done, right? But if we're really, really honest, I don't think it's a time issue, I think it's a priorities issue. Because if you think back like before we had Alfie, I couldn't tell you what we used to do with our time. I literally couldn't tell you. I know, like we would just get up, go to work, come back. Like, what what did we actually do? I don't understand what we did with all that time. Whereas now, obviously, it does feel like we've got a hell of a lot less time. Like, I know there was like major controversy, wasn't there, when like Molly May had gone on Stephen Bartlett's podcast and she'd said um we've all got the same 24 hours in a day. And I'm like, Yeah, technically we've all got the same 24 hours in a day, but realistically, no, we don't. Like, us here do not have the same 24 hours as like her and her husband and the support and stuff they've got. But I think what she was probably trying to get at was like, it's how you choose to spend that time. Like, so I could sit and say, I haven't got enough time to do whatever, but then if I looked back and I was dead honest and I'm like, mmm, I managed to spend an hour on my phone doom scrolling yesterday, I managed to spend an hour watching an hour or two watching like whatever traitors or like whatever's binge watch some TV CVs and stuff. The only person you're kidding with that sort of stuff is yourself, unfortunately. And I know it might sound really brutal, but it is the reality, and I'm only saying it because this is like what I do with myself. Do you know what I mean? Like, if we're not honest with ourselves and we're not brutally honest with ourselves, then how are we expected to actually prioritize ourselves and put ourselves first and all the rest of it? And you might sit and say, like, yeah, but like doom scrolling on my phone or binge watching those TV series, that's my self-care. But I'm like, but is that self-care, is that really looking after yourself? Because it can be in a little bit, it can be because so in and it can be, that's what I mean. Like, it can be a little bit, um, because sometimes I'm like, oh, I just want to watch something that's like so brain numbing that I don't need to think about it, right? Fine. But if that's the only thing you've got and the only crutch you've got for self-care, it's not a healthy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And so you're talking about time spent doing other things like learning, um, exercise, all that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so if you look at like what the there's like so many things you need for a healthy brain, right? And it's like exercise, good nutrition, like social connection, um I can't even remember, there's like a list of them, but there's like things like that, and it's like for a healthy brain, you do not need to be scrolling on the internet, that does not give you a healthy brain. Like binge watching TV series does not give you a healthy brain.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's about understanding the the uh the definition where we say self-care, self-prioritization, like it's not it's not an act of I'm just gonna put myself first for once, and then that putt yourself first for once equates to I'm not gonna eat something healthy today, I'm gonna have a McDonald's, like yeah, like ending up doing something that's actually detrimental to your ultimate long goals and self-care. So, yeah, I suppose I suppose that sort of helps define further what we're actually talking about here because we really are talking about self-prioritisation and self-care in the service of living a better life, yeah, making progress towards the things that matter to you and all that kind of stuff.
Time Vs Priorities And Real Self-Care
SPEAKER_02And and I think if anything, over the last couple of years, like starting a business and doing a lot of stuff together and stuff with this, I think a lot of it's helped us really look at like what do we actually need. So, and this is really important, and we've been we do talk quite well with each other, right? Like in terms of like what we need and all that sort of stuff. I'm still working on it in terms of like what help I need and what support I need and all that sort of stuff, but I'm definitely like better than I've ever been, I would say. I'm nodding because I feel like I have to. But you know what I mean, like um, but what I need for self-care versus what you need for self-care can be some similar things, but some different things, right? Of course. So for me, like we've sat down recently, haven't we said, like, right, what do I actually need from each other? Like, if we're gonna keep doing this, if we're gonna manage to fit everything in and make the time and do all the things and build a business, like what do we need from each other? So for me, it was like I just need a little bit of time in the morning before I have to like get into your routine. Get into a routine and and look after Alfie and be a mum, and or I just need some quiet time, like so I'm getting up earlier and you're getting up with Alfie so that I can just have that little bit of space, right? For you, like it's like right planning your runs in for the week because I can kind of plan them around Alfie while he's at nursery and stuff, which is fine. But for you, like it's like right, well, what days are you gonna go for a run then? Let's plan it, let's get it in the diary.
SPEAKER_01Um I've got other things like even work-focused things, like knowing what I'm working on at any given moment, because I'm very big on structure and I like to know what's coming. I don't like things sprung on us, um, which is uh wild to think considering I'm working LD, but there you go. Um Liam's sitting nodding nodding at this at this moment. Um, but even daft things like you talk about like binge watching um Netflix and stuff like that. Like I I've said like I do appreciate a little bit of recreation time where it's like maybe it's half an hour or an hour where I can actually sit and play a video game or something like that because I've played video games pretty much all my life and it's still a part of his.
SPEAKER_02And that's what you used to do with all your time before what I've done. With all my time almost, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's completely different now. I don't even have that much of a desire to play games as often, it's just and I do still have that desire to enjoy them. Um, but yeah, so recreation, running, um, a little bit of a way time where it gives us a chance to we're talking about like so going for a walk or doing something where it's just me. Yeah. Um but then I'm thinking about self-care and self-prioritisation, and I'm like doing things that I know are healthy for us, um, even if they don't um seem as appealing as just letting me brain rot for an hour while I play a video game, like reading, back in the reading, doing the meditation, making sure I take take time out to do meditation, all that kind of stuff. Um, I know it's the best thing for us, and so there's almost a commitment involved as well. Yeah, commitment to that self-prioritisation.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that's the thing, look, with all of this stuff, it is awareness because if I think back to like I don't know, five years ago, and you sat and told us that like I'd be getting up early in the morning and I'd be journaling and would be do both be doing meditations and stuff, I'd be like, What the fuck are you talking about? Like have aliens just snatched me and then taking over bodies, but like I I always used to be so skeptical about all of this stuff.
SPEAKER_01I think it comes back it comes back to that connotation thing again. I think when you talk about this kind of stuff, it's straight away, it's like woo-woo stuff, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Like all that sort of stuff, and I used to hear people like and see stuff online, people talking about your nervous system and all this sort of stuff, and I was like, what are people talking? Like, that's just weird. I don't understand it, that's just weird. And that was literally what I used to do. But actually, since I've actually done the research and looked into stuff and understand the logic behind it, I'm like, ah, okay, it's actually scientifically backed, like I think to just draw a line under this before we move on.
SPEAKER_01I think a key way of looking at it and the way we're approaching it is it's not indulgence, it's not just um fueling with desires, it's maintenance, it's it's taking care of yourself more than anything. Would you agree?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and I think a lot of it as well as like the stories that we tell ourselves and we talk about this a lot, but like getting up earlier in the morning, I was always I'm just too tired, I can't get up, I'm not a morning person, all of that sort of stuff. And don't get us wrong, have I nailed it down? Absolutely not. Like, I'm not a I'm getting up at five o'clock and I'm doing a workout sort of thing, but it's like I'm getting up half an hour earlier than I was before, um, but because I'm now telling myself I'm getting up in the morning at this time, I'm going to do this, I've got this routine in, I am the type of person that will get up and do this stuff because I understand the benefits of it. I don't want to get up earlier, of course. I don't I'd much rather lie in bed for another half an hour and be comfy and warm and all that sort of stuff. But I know that's more detrimental than what actually just getting my ass out of bed is.
Beating The Stigma
SPEAKER_01And you can get more value out of that time doing one thing over the other. Yeah. And it it it's the goes back to the idea of wasting time. And do you really want to be wasting your time? Yeah. No. Um so as we keep talking, I'm starting to build a picture in my mind as to where the real value is coming from in this conversation, and it's all about breaking down barriers. So I've used the word connotation a couple of times because there are connotations associated with this kind of stuff. Um and as we move forward and look at ways in which self-prioritisation happens, how it takes place, what people can do. We've touched on some examples, things like making better use of your time, reading things that serve you, and make sure that you are healthy and firing on all cylinders for when you need that energy. Um and to that point, you have been doing something yourself, which you uh surprised me with, which you was you started engaging in therapy, didn't you?
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah. So I yeah, it's not therapy. And then you were like, What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong with you?
SPEAKER_01Because it's a connotation, it's like you've you've obviously that there's something serious that I need to be made aware of, and it it would as you'll explain that that wasn't the case.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely wasn't the case. I just knew that I was avoiding some things, like some things in the business and stuff. I was avoiding showing up in certain ways, and I and I just couldn't quite figure out what it was. And like I say, I'm a bit of a logical person, I like to understand like what's happening, all that sort of stuff. And I had the opportunity to get some um free therapy for like a month and stuff. So I thought, oh well, I'll give it a go and see what it's about and see if it helps and stuff. And what it helped is really understand more, which completely makes sense now when you actually say it out and you speak to somebody. But I've clearly got a massive fire of rejection, which comes from my upbringing and stuff, which is it is what it is. I can't do anything about it, right? Um, I can't do anything about what happened and stuff, but what I can do is then focus on how do I move forward with that, process it and move forward, exactly. So it's like, and that for me was a form of self-care going and getting some support to talk through that stuff because but it all comes back to awareness because if I haven't been doing the coaching and I haven't been doing the meditation and I haven't been reflecting on everything, and I haven't been really consciously trying to make an effort to be aware about like why am I the way I am, why do I do these things, why do I self-sabotage at times? I just feel like I'm subconsciously like putting the brakes on all of the time, and I needed to unpack why. So, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Of course, and I'm very proud of you for going ahead and doing it. It's um something that came up during my studies in psychology. It it was so mind uh mind open open, mind opening, mind expanding when I did that degree to learn about all these different facets of um psychology, human psychology, and you know what it means to have a healthy brain as much as anything else. And yeah, therapy came up, and it's isn't it funny that I knew how good therapy is for people and how it can be used effectively as a proactive measure rather than a reactive measure? And then I still went to that place in my mind with new tools, and I was like, What's the matter we're in? You're like because I just want to make sure you're all right. Like I went to sort of protective mode. I was like, oh my god, what's what's going on? What can we come to? Do you need to talk to me about something? And you were like, No, I just want to I just want to make sure I'm just looking after myself.
SPEAKER_02Like Yeah, I just want to figure it out, and I just want to be able to move on and sort it out. Like that was it for me. Um but yeah.
SPEAKER_01Good on you. Uh it might be worth bringing up the fact that, and this came up in the last podcast, the idea that We have a perception about the world, basically. Reality reality is subjective. And a lot of what we think about the world comes back to us and how we perceive ourselves and how we judge ourselves. And basically what I'm getting at is like it can lead to feelings of being self-conscious and worrying about what other people think and blowing up in their minds this idea that people really care about the way that you show up and what you do and all that kind of stuff. And they're judging you all the time. Yes, people can be judgmental, but the point is people don't care nearly as much as you think they do. No. And I think that realisation probably helps in this space when you are considering, you know, the things that you want to do, the time you want to dedicate towards your own self-care, but you're possibly thinking, Oh, well, what if people judge us for that? Nah, I don't think it's worth worrying about, would you say?
Being More Intentional
SPEAKER_02No, absolutely not. Because what what's right for one person is not right for another person. Like running, right? I go running now. If you'd told me again a few years ago that I'd be running all the time, I would have been like, What are you talking about, you lunatic? Because I used to always tell myself, I'll never be a runner, I'd love to be that type of person who's so fit and is out all the time and stuff. Um, but I'm not that type of person, and that was that was the problem. And as soon as I was like, no, I am, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna put my mind to it, I'm gonna be that person, I'm gonna go out running. Now, people might look at that and might look at me running and be like, Oh, ick, I couldn't think of anything worse. You might worry about things like your times and stuff like that, yeah, like how fast you're going, or um comparing yourself to other people with it. Um, and even like I see you see loads of I see loads of stupid stuff online now where it's always like um when you know millennials hit a midlife crisis, they start running and stuff. And I'm like, oh I've seen that. I mean, even look at us and all of our mates, right? Loads of our mates and that. I'm really mobility went and did like the lads all did like a Pierre Triathlon and stuff last year, and we were talking about runs and doing the Great North run together and all this sort of stuff.
SPEAKER_01So when we can help it, we'll go on long walks, hikes, and stuff like that when we have got the time, all that kind of stuff. And then yeah, it's another it's another perception thing, and it's funny that that's become a meme and there is some truth in it.
SPEAKER_02So the reality is, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, well actually we're all doing that, but you know what it is? All we're trying to do is make our lives as intentional and as healthy as possible. So it's not it's not a I mean for some people it might just be trend chasing, yeah. But for people like us, many people like us, it is about just making sure that you're healthy and intentional with your life, and it's about understanding like why you want to do it, like why do I want to go running?
SPEAKER_02Like when it's freezing cold, it's miserable outside. Do I want to go for a run? No. But what I focus on is the end result of it is like I know once I've done it, I'll feel loads better, I'll be in a much better mood, I'll be much I'll be so much more productive at work when I'm um working on the business and stuff like that. I'll be be able to short better for Alfie, short better for you, all that sort of stuff. That's what I focus on. I don't focus on the running, it's about understanding why you want to do certain things to help you and to prioritize your self-care. So what like really notice her, but like notice like if you have to sit and even just sit now with a piece of pen and a paper and look back over the last week and be like, right, when was I in a good mood? When was I in a bad mood? What was actually happening? What happened that morning? What happened that night? What what are the things? And like, is it like I got up and went for a run on Tuesday? Tuesday was actually a really good day. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I snoozed the alarm, I slept in, I didn't um I was rushing around, or like I was late getting the kids out the door, blah blah blah blah blah. Then I had like a really stressful drive to school, and then I had the in there, did whatever. Like then notice that. Notice what happens when you have a really good day versus what happens when you have a really bad day, and then do something about it. As brutal as that sounds like do something about it, notice it and change it.
SPEAKER_01This is the part of the conversation where we get into sort of talking about control, taking control of things, and part of that process involves identifying the things that you need to take control of. What you just described there requires self-awareness, so people need to really uh think about how they're going to practice that. And I think it was a good example to use where you can actually make a note of the things that have um uh you've felt you've experienced, and then what impacts might have played a part in that, what things have actually impacted you.
SPEAKER_02Um but that's where journaling comes in, right? Like we're talking again about you know perceptions of things, and people journaling can be seen as being a bit woo-woo and weird and strange or whatever. But actually, like that's exactly what journaling is, just like reflecting on your day, understanding. Because once you've got an awareness of like what's going on, when are you best, when are you worse, you can then do something about it.
SPEAKER_01And these journals are actually designed that the pages are laid out to encourage you to think about it.
SPEAKER_02Mine's just a blank notebook, and I can get them, yeah. And you can, and you can get stuff that'll guide you through the process and stuff, or you can just get a blank notebook and start writing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. For me, obviously, I've said but in the past that journaling didn't work for me, but horses for courses.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so you just gotta find your own way though, you've got to do some of this stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, what I was gonna say is this is quite an interesting one that uh a little bit of tidbit that people might want to take away. It's the idea of what gives you energy and what gives you fuel. Now you described running, yeah. Like for one person that might sound draining because let's be honest, it does take energy, it requires energy, you burn energy, but it depends what kind of energy we're talking about. Yeah, um, if you're not physically fit, it is gonna cause that energy to um to drain quicker and all the rest of it, you're gonna feel more tired of it. But mentally, I find now that I've stuck with it, that I've been consistent with it, now when I go for a run, my brain is like all the pistons are firing, um, and it puts us in a much better space when I feel like I have to be productive or even just um if I'm trying to be relaxed, yeah. Which sounds paradoxical, but like if I've um gone for a run on a morning at a weekend, that rest of the day I'm I'm awake, I'm on fire.
SPEAKER_02Right, get out for a run now.
SPEAKER_01You've got as too busy, man. Can I? But on an evening, if I've gone for a run, it clears my mind, and that's what I'm getting out of it. So I'm getting value out of it, yeah um whichever way I need to. We're focusing on running, it doesn't have to be running, but it's something that gives you that uh, I suppose, nourishment. Yeah, that's what you're looking for, nourishment, nourishment leading to self-care.
SPEAKER_02And you talk there, like you said about like consistency, and that's where the problem is all the time, like a lot of the time, is that we're not consistent enough with stuff. So you have to do stuff to make things easier. Like we went through a system where you weren't going out, like you had weeks and weeks and weeks where you weren't go you you literally weren't leaving the house because you work from home. Whereas I I've got I have to take out nursery and stuff, and you can't do that because you're working, but um the consistency was dropping, so then right. Well, what systems do you put in place to make that easier? So we people might think it's weird. We have a weekly meeting, we've got a meeting with a spreadsheet that's yes, we're running the business, right? So it's got a lot of business stuff on there and stuff we need to do.
SPEAKER_01Yes, Cursey created the spreadsheet.
SPEAKER_02I would never yes, you would. You were jealous. Um, but then it's got like what goals and what we're both working towards, and then what we need to do to help each other, like what you need from me, what I need from you, and then we plan it in, right? So we'll sit with the calendar and go, right? What days next week works for you? Go out for your runs, get it booked in. What days does it work for me to go out for my runs, right? Booked in. Like, I need to do so this work on this night, I'm planning then, you're gonna put it out for your bed, whatever it be, like make it as easy as possible, so and then put some different systems into place. So, like, you want to start getting up journaling in the morning, right? Well, how do you do that? And how do you make that as easy as possible for yourself? You put your journal right next to your bed. You want to stop looking at your phone so much, plug your phone in in a different room. You want to um like go out for runs, but you've got like your partner and the kids and everything else to sort, like, have a conversation with your partner and say, like, look, this is what I need for me, this is why I need it. Like, can we sort something out? Can we put something in place? I want to go out and exercise first in the morning. Like, get your gym shit out on a night time, put it out, lay it all out ready so you get up and that's what you've got to put on. That's the first step. Like, don't think about like going for the run, think about I'm gonna put my gym stuff on. That's the first step.
SPEAKER_01It's anything that just makes the process a bit easier, make it as easy as possible, remove as many obstructions as possible. Um, we're getting into sort of the next part of the conversation, which is thinking about it more practically. How can how can we uh actually take control and make these things work? But yeah, just to underline what you've been talking about there, it is all about just making sure that the things that you have in mind, the things that you have maybe said to yourself, Oh, I wish I could, oh I've always wanted to, um, all that kind of stuff, match that intention with the means to facilitate it.
SPEAKER_02There's nothing stopping you, like the only thing stopping you is yourself, right? All of this stuff. You want to make a change, the only thing getting in your way is you. What are you waiting for? Like, what are you waiting for? We're waiting for we can all come up with a million excuses, and I'm no exception to the rule, and you're no exception to the rule. I are or you are not. We're gonna all come up with a million excuses as to why we're not gonna do something, right? Like, I haven't got the time, um, I'm not ready yet, or I'll start running when I've lost a little bit more weight, or I'll start going to that gym class when I'm I don't feel so self-conscious and stuff. The problem is that's never gonna happen and you're never gonna do it. As brutal as that sounds, it's not gonna happen and you're not gonna do it. Because the when we talk like we talk last week about confidence, confidence comes from taking action. Confidence does not come from sitting on your ass waiting for it, and it's the same with this. Like, you can't just sit around and think, Oh, well, it'll be better, I'll be better, I'll be better. We're in January now. This podcast is gonna go out on the end of Jan. How many people have already given up on their New Year's resolutions?
SPEAKER_01Me for a start, normally you're joking. Uh yeah, well it's a it's a known thing, it's a it's a known phenomenon, it happens all the time. People join the gym first of the month, yeah. They get in about four weeks and they're sick of it, sick of the sight of it.
SPEAKER_02And in some of it's because you've gone too hard, right? You've like, I'm gonna completely change my diet, I'm gonna start running five days a week, I'm gonna make themselves sick, and you just absolutely overdo it and you pelt it and then you're knackered, right? This is not about changing everything, but if you want to make some change in your life, you've got to you've got to just start.
SPEAKER_01But just start small, like it's also it it comes back to the whole definitely sound like a broken record, yeah. But whole knowing your why as well, like why you're doing it. Why you actually why have you decided this is going to be your new year's resolution? Is it just because it it's that's what people do and you feel like you should, or because I've just ate too much crap at Christmas?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and you just feel guilty, yeah.
Personal Needs, Routines, And Boundaries
SPEAKER_01Like it's that's not a good motivator, it's not a good motivator. I love those things, it needs to mean something. Yeah, if it means something, that'll keep you going and help you uh stay the course. Really important. Um yeah, I think the the idea of matching your intention with what helps facilitate change and positive habits and self-care and all that kind of stuff is really important. But what it might also help unearth, and we've just been touching upon it there when we talk about having a good reason is to do these things, is that it's like it might help surface that actually I don't want to do this thing. Alright, well, what can you be doing then? Because if you decide you're gonna go to the gym and then that becomes laborious, you can't be bothered with it. Um, I'm gonna read, and then that becomes boring. Okay, so what is it that you actually want to do? What is gonna give you the nourishment, the opportunity to care for yourself a bit more? What do you need?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like it just do something that you actually enjoy. Not because you think you should, yeah, and like and I know sometimes when you say what you actually enjoy, like running, the actual run, I don't really enjoy. I enjoy the feeling after it. So that's how I mean. Like, it's not about doing something you hate, but if I like I don't hate running once I get, but you know, you go through a whole field of emotions when you're out running of like, what the fuck am I doing? Oh my god, I'm not gonna add. Oh, this is horrendous. Whose stupid idea was this? Oh my crystal too bad. Oh yeah, I feel loads better. Oh my god, have I not finished yet? You're literally like that the whole way. Not me. Yes, you are. And like speedy buns on the end. Whatever. Um, but understand like what do you like enjoy, and that's why I enjoy it. Like, even though it is hard, I've still find enjoyment from it. But like, you don't have to go running, you don't have to go to a gym and lift weights. Like, if what you enjoy is going out for a walk, or what you enjoy is you know, you really fancy doing a dance class, but you've never had the guts to do it, like that's a stuff. Yeah, if you're actually having fun and enjoying what you're doing and you're feeling the benefits off the back of it, then you'll keep it up.
SPEAKER_01But you made the point just before there, so let's not lose track of it. Um, you don't have to enjoy the thing if you know why you're doing it. Yeah, so running, you don't entirely enjoy the experience, but you keep doing it because it means something to you, it matters to you, and you will push through. And when you do, you get that sense of satisfaction off the back of it. But keep talking about running, it could literally be anything, and that's the point. You need to be able to identify what matters to you and what can help you um uh uh uh do something that aligns with that, yeah. And it yeah, it's it's all down to the the individual. Do you want to be more educated? Okay, read, reading's not for me, okay.
SPEAKER_02Sign up the work course, um listen to an audiobook, listen to podcasts, listen, listen to Belt and Podcast.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. Just rot your brain by listening to us, chat. Um, but there's so many, there's so many outlets, there's so much available out there, a lot of it online. Like, yeah, there's there's so much you can do, and it doesn't have to be one thing, doesn't have to be the be all and end all to give you um an opportunity to make a better version of yourself, basically. Yeah, but let's just take a moment to mourn the loss of the brake light on our car. Don't worry. So I'm glad we're being able to shoehorn this story in this podcast, but it does feel relevant when I think about it. So Kirsty, we don't need to get into the details. You can go suda wulda cudda about uh how it and why it happened, but ultimately um you reversed into a lampos and cracked the brake light and caused a bit of um damage to the bumper. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, look, it's not bad, we're gonna get it sorted. And I think this is a good one to focus on because it helps tell a story, a real lived story about how all this self-care thing works.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so I think um you might be sitting thinking, like, why the hell are you talking about your factory reversed in a lamp post? Because I want to do because I anthorn dislegs off. Um but ultimately this is about the impact that doing work on yourself, prioritising self-care and all of that stuff can have such a positive impact. So if we go back to a few years ago when you crashed the car, when you were like forgot to put the handbrake on and the car was like three days old and you loved it.
SPEAKER_01Let's just clarify. Did I crash the car if I wasn't in it?
SPEAKER_02Well, you left the handbrake off and it rolled down the street.
SPEAKER_01And I wasn't used to the handbrake system. We've just gotten rid of a car where it had an automated handbrake system, and this one's semi-automated.
SPEAKER_02It's a pain. Um and the car rolled down the street and smashed into someone's car, right?
SPEAKER_00It rolled, it like sort of slowly didn't hit the hell out of his car door whatever. I wouldn't call it fine though. I'm a car, the tank just they rolled out his head.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, um, but the point is it's the difference, right? So I remember like you'd gone to your mum and dad's, you'd that had happened, you rang us, you were telling us. At the time, my what I didn't understand was that like my nervous system was already shot to shit. Like, I'd not long had alf my emotions and stuff and my hormones were all over anyway. I was in the process of dealing with a difficult situation at work, I was stressed to hell, like all of that stuff was happening, so I was already up a height, yeah, but I didn't know about any of this stuff. I didn't know about meditations and journaling and stuff. I'd started teamming stuff about, but I hadn't done anything about it. And when you told me what had happened, I was like boom, just it it was like a nail in the coffin, and it was so stupid because nobody had been hurt, it wasn't a the a big deal, like it was gonna cost it was gonna cost a little bit of money to fix it, but whatever, like it wasn't even that much at the end of the day. But that's the point of like I wasn't in a great place at that time because I was so stressed out and I was dealing with a load of stuff and it was tough, and then the impact of one thing happening was like sent is over the edge. Whereas this time, I just laughed my head off and I rang it and I was like, you'll not even believe what I've just done. I've just reversed it in a freaking lamppost.
SPEAKER_00You were you were fixed to start with.
SPEAKER_02I was like, yeah, but I was like, yeah, I'm annoyed, but I've done this, but whatever, it is what it is. I'll send you some pictures, have a look, ring your dad, see if it's something you just can fix, or if it's something we're gonna have to send the garbage and stuff. I'm going for a run. And that's what I did. And I went for a run and I came back and I looked at it again and thought, for God's sakes, got in the car, came home, cracked on with me there. Because ultimately, I've I now focus on what I can control. Like back then, I was focusing on everything that was out of my control. The fact that, well, if ad came with you, would it the handbrake have been on? If I'd driven, would that have happened? If you just put the handbrake on, if you like, and it was like it was absolutely pointless, it literally wasn't gonna change a single thing. Like, it was done. Cycling, cycling through all these hypothetical, like if only, if only, if only, why, why, laying blame, all those kinds of I could have sucked the runoff, I could have come home, I could have been like, Oh, you're an idiot, you should have done this, you should have done that, you should have put the park and bloody sensors on the car. Yeah, well, yeah. But do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01I could have spent all that time beating myself up about it, but and to there's always two sides to every story. Remember, I was involved in both these scenarios, but in different ways. Yeah. So on the first on the first hand, I was your fault. I would it was my fault.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but you both need to learn how to use it, drive a car.
SPEAKER_01I'll teach you. Um, but that first. Instance, I went through all the emotions and the thoughts that you had as well because when I contacted you to just inform you of what had happened, I was apoplectic. I was like, I was so embarrassed, so ashamed, annoyed with myself. Yeah, um, annoyed with the fact that um the handbrake doesn't work the same as the previous car, which I had only just learned through this accident happening. Um, but this time round, you rang us, and rightly so, just viably so you were like, Oh, I can't believe this has happened, like oh, that's not ideal and stuff like that. Not at the levels that we've experienced previously, but it's allowing yourself to kind of go to be annoyed. You have to have that initial reaction, of course, you're only human. Yeah, but my if you remember my response, what was my response at that point on the other end of the phone?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, don't worry about it, it doesn't matter.
Summarising And Key Takeaways
SPEAKER_01Like, we'll fix it because we're both in a better space, or because of all this self-care stuff, yeah. I would say exactly. So, with all said, let's summarize because we've it's another one where we've just sort of touched on a lot of different stuff, and uh it's been sort of a free-flowing conversation. Let's try and unpack some of the stuff we've been talking about, um, and that's something that people can maybe take away and and consider for themselves, reflect on. So, from the top, what are we saying? What are the key takeaways that we think are important in in this on this topic?
SPEAKER_02I think the first thing is self-awareness. So reflect, reflect on like what is it that you actually need? What how like what is it you need to prioritize yourself in in certain and why and why, but think about it like you don't need to overhaul everything and try and do everything at once, and you might try some stuff and it might not work, and that's fine, but then do the reflection piece again and go again. So you might be like, right, you know what, I've listened to what you're saying, and I'm just gonna get up 10 minutes early and journal, and then you do it for a few weeks, and then you go, Oh, actually, I've uh not about this. Don't then just give up, reflect on it, think about right, what else could I try? What else might be my thing? What else might work for me? So I think like the awareness and reflection piece is definitely the first step in this.
SPEAKER_01And having and having that why understood up front is key to making that work. Because if you don't understand why you're trying to make these positive changes, it all falls apart because then you're just chasing, you're just yeah, oh, I feel like I should do this thing, oh that didn't work, or I'll try this thing. Oh, that's not working either. Yeah, what are you trying to achieve? Why are you doing why are you why are you trying to commit to these things in the first place? Yeah, and then that'll make that'll unlock what it is that you're trying to do, like what you should be doing. Sorry.
SPEAKER_02So awareness and why and why, and then you want to communication, I think is a big one that we spoke about, like you need to communicate what you actually need. If you are with someone, you have a family, you're becoming just communicating with anybody about it, like so. Whether it's your partner and you're having to go at them and say, Look, this is what I need for me, or whether it's friends, because you're going right. I need to like this is what I want to do. Can will you come with us? I want to go and do a dance class, I want to go for a walk, I wanna whatever. Can you help us? Can you check in with us? Anything like that, just communicate if you need some support, communicate that you need some support.
SPEAKER_01Could be, yeah, yeah. I I've identified this thing, I think it would really work for me, it'd be really beneficial for me. Could you just remind us as to why I'm doing it or yeah, keep us accountable, that kind of stuff?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and just change one thing, like just do one step at a time, one little thing at a time. It doesn't have to be everything, you're not gonna overhaul your life and be some sort of like yoga guru tomorrow.
SPEAKER_01Like next week, I'm just gonna join the gym, buy a book, like do everything all in one go.
SPEAKER_02No, no, just try one thing at a time, one step at a time, and just just keep it going. But consistency is key with all of this, make it easy for yourself, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And to to elaborate on that, which we haven't sort of repeated yet, is giving yourself the tools to facilitate the thing you're trying to do. So make life easier, just put systems in place, remove obstacles. Does it mean just yeah, laying out your gym stuff on the bed so you know that's what you're gonna put up put on in the morning if you are gonna go train in the morning, or all those little bits and bobs you can do to make life just a little bit easier?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but that's it.
SPEAKER_01Good stuff, good conversation yet again. Do you uh have anything else you'd like to add before we knock this one on the head?
SPEAKER_02No, nothing. Just remember that um you know, that self-care and really putting yourself first and stuff is really important. Really important. Yeah, because if you don't, then this is where burnout and overwhelm and all that sort of stuff comes in. Yeah. So it's not selfish at all.
SPEAKER_01Definitely not selfish. It's not like you're wasting time, it's not like you're trying to deprive other people of something, it's just you are trying to be a healthier, better version of yourself, and who can blame you for that? Yeah, awesome. Right. Well, with that, thanks for listening. And um we will catch you in the next one. Go on, say the line.
SPEAKER_02Please like, share, and subscribe.
SPEAKER_01And if you haven't already, check out the YouTube channel as well at Expansions Coach. There's gonna be more content going up on there very soon, if not already.
SPEAKER_02Yes, already.
SPEAKER_01Already, it's already. I'll not explain why I got confused there, but yeah, okay, go check it out. There's some stuff on there you might like.
SPEAKER_02Bye.
SPEAKER_01Bye.