UNSTUCKABLE
UNSTUCKABLE is a bi-weekly podcast about getting out of your own way. Coach Kirsty and her husband Anthony bring you conversations, stories and strategies to help you navigate change, quiet self-doubt, and keep moving forward.
UNSTUCKABLE
Episode 11: Resilience Without The Mask
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Resilience looks heroic from the outside and chaotic from the inside. In this episode, we unpack what resilience actually feels like: shaky hands before a career-defining pitch, spiralling thoughts after bad news, and the decision to take one small step forward anyway.
We challenge the myth that resilience is something you’re born with. It isn’t a fixed trait. It’s a trainable response. From early experiences that build balance and grit to the uncomfortable adult moments that stretch confidence, we explore how uneven ground prepares you for uneven seasons. We also break down the difference between proactive resilience (seeking stretch deliberately) and reactive resilience (responding when life blindsides you), and why both matter for long-term mental strength.
Drawing on practical psychology and Stoic thinking, we reframe obstacles not as detours but as part of the path. When you focus on what’s within your control, pressure becomes a training ground rather than a threat.
You’ll also learn our simple three-step RUN framework for building resilience in real time:
• R – Reality Check: Separate facts from the stories stress creates.
• U – Unstuck: Choose one small, useful action to regain momentum.
• N – Nail Consistency: Return to the basics after disruption. Progress over perfection.
We share honest stories from career pivots, business building, and health challenges, alongside a look at comparison culture, burnout myths, and why resilience isn’t toxic positivity. It’s emotional honesty paired with intentional action.
If you want practical tools for building mental resilience, confidence under pressure, and sustainable personal growth, this episode is for you.
Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and let us know your next small step.
And in this episode, we're going to be talking about resilience. Why resilience?
SPEAKER_02Because I think resilience is a very important topic. I think a lot of people can think of resilience as like some people are just resilient and other people aren't. And I don't think that's a case whatsoever. And I think it's a you know, there's so much change going on in the world in general. And I think it pays to be resilient to help you through a lot of the challenges that we are all facing in different extremes, right? So I think it's just something really important. And if you can learn how to build resilience and how to become really resilient, then I think that would be really helpful for a lot of people.
Nature, Nurture And Real-Life Tests
SPEAKER_01I agree. And this is a topic that's close to my heart for various reasons that we'll get into. And it's work that I've been doing on myself as well, which we'll also get into. But yeah, I'm looking forward to this one. Do you think people are just born resilient?
SPEAKER_02No. I think there will be an element of how resilient people are based on just general genetics and how people manage to fight, because there is that. But a lot of it is through your lived experience. That that is it, and it's about how you then deal with challenging situations when they come up, then for how resilient you then become to face into these challenges again and again and again. Because unfortunately, as much as we would all like life to be plain sailing, that's just not the case. We know that better than anyone else, right?
Rethinking “Strong”: The Hidden Struggle
SPEAKER_01Not better than anyone else, but we've got more story to tell. Yeah. I see where you're coming from, yes. So, what do you think we miss when we think about resilience? Because when you think about resilience, you tend to hear um language being used like strong, like standing firm, all that kind of stuff. What do you think gets lost when people use that kind of language?
SPEAKER_02People see resilience as like that, like somebody who's really strong, someone who can deal with any shit that's thrown their way, like nothing phases them, that sort of thing. But I think it's absolute bullshit because resilience is really difficult. When you are being resilient, it is really hard. You are going through a shit time, you're trying to work it out, you're trying to figure it out. Yes, that facade that people see sometimes is oh, they're just really strong, but they don't see the you know, crying into your pillow at night or really stressed and worried about the things that's going on. And I think we need to open the conversation to some of that to get people to realise that actually it is about going through some difficult stuff and difficult challenges, but facing into it and using it as fuel and using it as like learning from it. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Are you talking about it in terms of so if someone's had a particularly easy life and they've grown up with a very easy life where they've been waiting on hand and foot and you know they've had it really plain sailing and they've never been tested, that's sort of where you're coming from, where they're gonna be much less resilient when something crops up that isn't going their way versus someone who's had to deal with more.
Forest School And Small-Scale Grit
SPEAKER_02But it's that simple thing, right? Look at Alfie. Our little boy goes to a forest school, right? The reason we chose a forest school, we're really lucky to have one quite close by. There are not a lot of them kicking about, but even the nursery school teachers and stuff will say, God, he's dead resilient, he's very confident, he's very like, you know, he falls down, he picks himself back up. You don't need a panda to him, he is just that, and he learns how to be resilient and face challenges. Like a challenge to him is not gonna be a challenge that we face, but you know what I mean? We've all had to go through that. However, as an example with children, that like if you panda to them all the time, and every time they fall over, you you're quickly picking them back up, and you don't allow them that space to develop and grow those skills themselves, then it is gonna be more difficult when they get older, and it's that it's that sort of thing, and that's the the way around how resilience is built through repetition, through learning, like anything else.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Um, the forestry school obviously it starts with something as simple as the fact that they spend a lot of time outdoors. Yeah, the the surface that they spend most of the time on outdoors is uneven, isn't it? It's like the hills and rocks and it's like all uneven. These kids are like developing like unbelievable balance from an early age because they're not just running around on a flat floor, like something as simple as that. It's like it's having benefits, noticeable benefits for him. He's very assured on his feet, isn't he? Spring along all over the shop. Nightmare when you got him out shopping, but uh yeah, he's uh he's very very assured on his feet. But yeah, that like I say, I take your point. Um I don't think people need to listen to that and think, so I've just got to go out there and I've just gotta put myself in difficult situations, anything like that. I think this is something that does come sort of organically through life. Life will test you.
Proactive Vs Reactive Resilience
SPEAKER_02Well, no, but I think there is an element of putting yourself into some challenging situations sometimes, right? Like, because I'll just shut up then. But if you want to grow and develop, you've gotta be uncomfortable, you've got to put yourself in uncomfortable situations, you have to do things that you don't necessarily want to do if you want to grow and develop. You are never gonna like if you course through school, you get a job, you course through that job, you never do anything out of the ordinary, you never push yourself and do anything that feels a little bit uncomfortable, right? Fine, but then like don't expect to then be the CEO, right? Yeah, that's the key thing. If you just want to stay in that job, like great. But if you want to develop and you want to progress in your career, then you are gonna have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations, you are gonna have to push yourself, you are gonna have to fail and learn from those mistakes and become more resilient so that you can do it again and fail again, and it's all right because I've done this before and it's okay. It's the same with grown confidence and stuff, right? Yeah, like you've got through experience, you've got to do it through experience, and some stuff you will get shit thrown at you that is completely unexpected, and you have to learn as you're going through it, and other times it will be stuff that you've situations you've put yourself in, right?
SPEAKER_01I get what you mean. Uh it's it's about sort of stretching yourself and putting yourself in those moments where it could go one of a number of ways, and if it doesn't go the way that you hope for, it's about picking yourself back up and learning from the experience, that kind of thing. Yeah, I think when I was thinking about resilience, the way that framed it in my mind there was less about sort of doing it from a developmental standpoint. So we're talking about resilience as something that you develop proactively through making those decisions and putting yourself out there and stretching yourself versus someone who won't and therefore will never develop the resilience to meet those challenges head on.
SPEAKER_02Well, there's a mixture, right? Because, like you say, everybody's gonna have to face difficult situations in their life, right? It is just life, unfortunately. And there's there's two sides to the coin, right? There's that stuff like we just talked about that is completely unexpected, like your cancer diagnosis, right? Completely unexpected, difficult situation. We have to just deal with this. Versus, I want to become more resilient, I want to be able to face challenges when they come and you know thrown in my face. Then how do you start building that now? What can you do proactively to help with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stoicism And The Obstacle Mindset
SPEAKER_01I get it. As I've said, I've done a bit of work on this myself, um, either through choices that have helped develop my career, um, my role as an instructional designer that came out of nothing. The the job that I had previously was uh a more generalist learning and development specialist, and uh I pitched that role. I basically put myself in front of uh a load of people higher ups, higher up my management, and I say, Look, we need an instructional designer, and by the way, I could do that job for you, and I had to do a big presentation. I was stood there shaking, shaking like a shame dog, and uh got it, got the role they made as an instructional designer, and I've carried that forward. Um, and that took a lot of guts, if you don't mind us saying, because uh it was it was a tricky one, it was something that I hadn't considered doing in the past uh before that, like everything before that had sort of felt more natural, more organic, and it was that one of those first moments where I was actually taught starting to take assertive action with regards to my career and my life further on from that. Yeah, but uh another thing I've been doing is reading. I don't know I'm talking about myself at this point, but we'll we'll stop that. Not you, but reading, um, and I've referenced this book previously, but it's so pertinent in this conversation, which is the obstacle is the way by Ryan Holiday. So Ryan Holliday, he um he basically shares and disseminates stoic philosophies. You got his 365 days, the stoic handbook or something, 365 Days where it's a stoic lesson every day of the month, uh every day of the year. Um, this is another one of his books, and he's got various other ones where I'm looking to catch up on. But this one positions obstacles as the way forward, and it's very in line with what you're saying right now. I think you should read it actually. So it talks about how anything worth doing is going to be difficult. Yeah, the I I can't think off the top of your head of anything that's worth doing that is just easy unless it was for pure enjoyment. Yeah, if it's something that you feel is worth doing that requires work and has an output that you desire, like a goal or something like that, it will come with those challenges. Yeah, and you have to make your peace with that and you have to work your way through them to get what you want.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because nothing is life as easy, like you can push yourself out of your comfort zone, you can go for that job, you can start the business, whatever. There's just no world where that is just an easy thing to do, and you just get the job and it's all fine, and you never have to worry again and you never have any stress, right? Excuse me, yeah, can I have a promotion, please?
SPEAKER_01Oh, of course you can, kid. Yeah, five grand pay wise, yes, mate.
SPEAKER_02Giaz, it's just not that thing, but it's it comes back to that comparison piece again, though, right? Because how many times do you see people online who are like, oh, I've been little business and I make X millions and stuff, but you don't see them like 10 years ago when they were sitting in that office, like stressed to hell about something stupid trying to run around looking after a kid and everything else at the same time. You see the successful person, but it takes a hell of a lot of resilience, a lot of failure, a lot of going again and again and again and again. And the key bit in with the whole thing is not fucking giving up. It's like the only way you fail is if you quit. That's it.
SPEAKER_01I'll bring something spicy up.
SPEAKER_02Oh, oh what?
Is Burnout Real?
SPEAKER_01Let's see if it makes the edit. There was a recent podcast, I'll not name names or anything like that, but there was a recent podcast that went out, a popular podcast, and the episode in question. There was a guest on who, shall we say, this person comes from money, lots of money, born into money, married into money, handed money, and has just bathing in money literally that much, and and this person um was talking about business, building business, um, being an entrepreneur, and they came out with this outrageous statement that burnout doesn't exist.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, which is just absolute shit. Yep, burnout doesn't exist when you've got billions of pounds and you can just be like, nah, that didn't work. Blue 10 million, it's fine, I'll just get another 10 million. Just try and do something else for your game.
SPEAKER_01It's not your life savings that are going down the swanny at that point or on.
SPEAKER_02Of course, you're not burnt out and you've got like 20,000 experts around you who you just throw money at, fix your problems. That is not the same as somebody sitting in their spare room trying to build a business from scratch. Like you just can't compare, you just can't compare the two, though. Like, they're just different worlds.
SPEAKER_01It's at the end of the day, it's like, and obviously, there's advice as been shared on this podcast from someone who uh lives in a completely removed world from what we the majority of people, yeah. The vast majority of people, and that's the thing, and it's like whether or not that advice is valuable because they don't have the perspective that the likes of we do say, um, or someone else, but like someone on our level. Um, I don't suppose for one second they had uh post-it notes stuck to the ceiling above the headline.
SPEAKER_02Shut up, leave me post-it notes alone.
SPEAKER_01Put one down just so people can see what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_02Go on, leave me notes.
SPEAKER_01They can't say it in the cannot say it in the shot. There, look at that. This is me little organizational master skills. You should do a master class on organisational skills, anyway, anyway.
SPEAKER_02Back in the podcast, we're talking about resilience. I don't know what the hell's going on.
SPEAKER_01No, but I mean, yeah, that was a spicy one for me because I I I do think there's something in that when people listen to advice online, there's so much advice being shared online now, so much, and it's like, where's that advice coming from? And does it even sound sensible? Just the idea that burnout doesn't exist is just a mad one to me. I just wanted to just wanted to touch on that because it is the complete opposite end of the spectrum of where this conversation is going, where it's like you need to know that it does exist as much as much as any other challenges, great or small, with regards to building something and developing yourself, and it's about dealing with them and not ignoring them, not pretending that they don't exist. I think just to final and make the sort of um just a final point around this. I think if you were to buy into that idea that these challenges didn't exist, that burnout doesn't exist in that that way of the thing. Either resilient or you're not resilient. Yeah, if you buy into that, I feel like that's detrimental to a person because if you start to feel those things, what are you gonna do? You're gonna feel like you're a failure. I shouldn't be feeling these things, yeah. Therefore, I'm doing something wrong, I'm making a mistake, and I think that's profoundly bad.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, 100%. You've got to be able to understand that it is all normal and it's fine, you just need to work your way through it.
When The Moment Hits
SPEAKER_01So let's start thinking about this in practical terms then. So let's imagine, first of all, that we're faced with a challenge, a big challenge, one that can cause you to stop in your traps. What's going on at that point?
SPEAKER_02Well, look, let's use a real example of when you got diagnosed with cancer, right? Both of our heads were just like, what on earth is going on? Absolute like stress, you then your prefrontal cortex of that really logical part of your brain shuts down, your mighty kicks off, worrying about a million things that you've got zero control over, just you're just going to complete meltdown ultimately when you're in that moment. Um, and that's when it's really important to notice the signs and notice what's going on and take a bit of a breath.
SPEAKER_01Just before we continue down this track, we're obviously talking about me getting diagnosed with cancer, and obviously that's a serious thing, and all of this that we're talking about is perfectly natural, and I don't think any amount of rationalising is going to change how a person might respond initially. Because it can't, it simply can't. That that part of the brain will always trigger before the prefrontal cortex has a chance to also activate and start taking over. It's always the emotional part first, but that emotional response it is all about sort of it's almost like it's trying to safeguard by preparing you for all these potential different outcomes, and in this in the process, it just floods your brain with a load of unhelpful thoughts, yeah, which cause the feelings, yeah.
SPEAKER_02100%, and that is the thing. Like, it's this is not saying like, oh, you got diagnosed with cancer, and then we were like, right, okay, yeah, robot.
SPEAKER_01No, but we will go and sort this out.
The Truth: Resilience Is Messy
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like it was a complete mess, but that is a perfect example of resilience. It's not perfect, it is really difficult, requires awareness, messy. Resilience is seen as something that's really positive, it's a really positive trait to have. If you are resilient, you are strong, you are positive, all that sort of stuff. But when you're being resilient, it's literally like the opposite, it's really negative, it's really hard, it's really difficult. But it's how you choose and the choices you make to show up every day going through that. But that doesn't mean like every single day just being like, right, okay, everything's fine, put my big girl knickers on, nah, nah nah, crack on. That's not what it's about. It's about going, right, this is fucking shit. What can I do? Like some days it is like, you know what? Yeah, I'm gonna put my big girl knickers on a day and I'm gonna get on with it because I can, and other days it's like, uh, I'm gonna just sob into a pillow and watch a load of crap on TV, and then I might take myself out for a walk for half an hour and try and sort my head out. Like, it's not about being perfect every single day, it's about just keeping some momentum and keeping moving, even when it gets really, really tough.
SPEAKER_01I think a good way of looking at it is resilience doesn't equate to toxic positivity. No, because toxic positivity is a thing, it's like smiling through the tears and all that kind of stuff. That's not what's expected of you.
Rolling With The Punches
SPEAKER_02Resilience is a completely different thing, but it's about knowing what's what's good for you, I suppose, in a way. So if I even think of some examples, like the day you got diagnosed on the Monday, the Wednesday you were in having your first operation, right? Like that's how quick everything went. That Wednesday, obviously, we didn't have a clue how any of it worked. I come to the hospital with you at seven in the morning, being like, right, come in the hospital, like I'll be sitting with you all day and I'll wait with you until you go in for your operation and blah blah blah. And then we walked in at seven o'clock, and the nurse was like, right, get lost. Like, not quite literally, but she what she was like, right, you you can't stay in here. That's a male ward, he's got to stay on his own, we'll ring you when he's out. And I was like, What the fuck? Like, what? Like, I thought, at least if I can stay there, but then you were left on your own all day, twiddling your thumbs, waiting for your up. I was then sent home, and then I was in this place of like, right, well, what what's my options here? I can sit and rattle around in this house on my own and probably cry a lot and stress clean the houses on top bottom, because it's probably what I did start doing, and then I was like, screw this, I'm going to the gym because I know I need, and that wasn't me smiling through it, that was like, I know I just need to get, I've got all this pent-up energy, I've got all this stress and anger and all that sort of stuff going on, and like I know working out will help us. And I went to the gym and I was crying in the bloody gym and all that sort of stuff, and it wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But I tell you what, it was probably the best workout I've ever had in my life because I was like, all of that energy, that stress, that thing, and that's what I'm on about. Where it's like the small little decisions that you can make in the moment, because I knew sitting in the house and crying all day and waiting and waiting and waiting for the phone call was going to be a million times worse than getting out of the house and going to the gym for an hour.
SPEAKER_01I think there's two things that emerge as you were talking there, and they're very central to resilience. One is the element of choice, yeah. So knowing that you have a choice and your choices will dictate how you respond and how you navigate that challenging moment.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01One being you could just roll over and lick your wounds and accept it, and you know, just do just sort of wallow in it, which is perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. But if we're thinking more broadly and how this applies to like your career and things that you're trying to do if you sell like building a business or something like that, like things don't go to plan. One option is just to think, well, that was crap and I'm a failure, I'm useless, and all that kind of stuff. The other thing, the other route is to say, Well, what can I do to um learn from this experience and move the needle forward?
Unpacking Kirsty's Story: Permission
SPEAKER_02What can I do different next time? Yeah, what is it taught is all that kind of stuff. If you start asking yourself those questions rather than the you're a fucking idiot, yeah, like that just beating yourself up, it's it's not helpful. It's not gonna help you though, isn't it? Like it's not.
SPEAKER_01But here's the second thing, and it's all about permission. Because I think sometimes, and if we talk about my health scare again, the bet about that is some people might have been in your shoes, let's say, they've been caught out of the hospital, sent home. Maybe the idea of going to the gym might feel a bit crass, a little bit insensitive to say, Well, he's getting operated on, I'll just go and have a workout. They might be thinking, I can no way can I do that. I need to be sitting in this feeling the way that he's sitting in it, and that's simply not the case. It's simply not the case. I think you need to be kinder to yourself in these moments, and that'll help.
SPEAKER_02And it's about knowing what what's right for you. Because like I went to the gym that day, and the owner of the gym took one look at us when I walked through the door and she was straight over and she was like, Are you alright? Like, what's the matter? And I was like, and probably had a meltdown on the floor. And then she was like, Well, what the hell are you doing here? And I was like, But but what else am I gonna do? What what is the options for me? Yes, I'm not in a great place right now, but the the option is to be in the house on my own.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Which isn't doing anyone any benefit, least of all you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, exactly. So I was like, Oh, I can be here and take all of this fucking anger out. On that kettlebell and on that set of weights. Like poor kettlebell. I know. It was the um straight out the window. The big, what are the the big balls, man, that's that you slam on the floor? What are they called?
SPEAKER_01Medicine balls.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like them ones, you know, the ones that you know I was like probably thrashing them off the floor and that, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Poor medicine bowl.
You Always Have A Choice
SPEAKER_02Dick. Anyway, but that is the thing, and we've spoken about this before. We can choose, and like with even you know, coming back to your diagnosis as well, it's like knowing that you've got a choice in that moment. At that time, I was going through all the crap with work, I was having a really difficult time. You obviously had to just roll on in and steal me thunder, get diagnosed with cancer, throw some more crap at work, and all that. And it was like, oh my god. And it was that thing where we'd probably felt like we had coasted for quite a while, hadn't really dealt with a lot of grief or a lot of difficulties in work and stuff like that, like everything would just seem to be going right. Yes, we'll have uh, you know, it took four temps to get married, but who didn't over that period of like COVID and stuff? And I was just like, right, fine. But we knew in that point, like we had a choice. We could either spend all of that time allowing it to consumer, or we could use that time to make amazing memories so that we knew when we looked back, would be like, Yes, it was hard, but we did this, we did this, we did this, we went here, like we spent all this time, we met these amazing people, like all of the stuff that we now remember, and that is because we're made a conscious choice at that point.
SPEAKER_01And that's the difference between looking back on 2024 and thinking, oh what a crap time, and looking back on it and thinking, what a great time. Because we did, what a great time, yeah, absolutely fine, and uh absolutely brilliant. And at the end, it was absolutely fine in terms of I had the surgery and yeah, been ticking on ever since.
It Helps To Have Support
SPEAKER_02And it doesn't mean that, like within that, so like you say, when you look back, we do remember a lot of the amazing stuff, hens and stags and weddings and times went away with alpha and all that sort of stuff, and that was amazing, but that doesn't take away from the fact that within that there was days where you didn't want to get out of bed, there was days I did the same thing. The good thing with us was that we just sort of bounced that backwards and between each other, didn't we? Like, you would have a really bad day, and I'd be like, Come on, we can do this, you're all right, like if that's what you want to do, crack on, but you know, and I would be able to encourage you, and vice versa. Like, you would then I'd be having a PM meltdown, and then you'd be like, Yeah, it's fine, man. What are you worrying about? Yeah, and all that sort of stuff. But it but what I'm trying to get at is like that period of time has made us really resilient, right? Um, and has grown on the resilience that we already had, but it wasn't easy, it was really hard. But because of the choices we're made, we look back now and we think of the positive stuff. Yeah, that's the point of it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it becomes part of the story, but it doesn't become the highlights, yeah. So as I was saying, we think back on all the positive stuff when we're asked about the year and how did it go and what did he get up to, we've got lots of things that we can refer to that are really positive, as opposed to having none of that, and then all you can think about is all the challenges and all the difficulties. We still have that, we've learned from that. Those lessons are now locked in and be have become part of us and part of our life story, yeah, and we've benefited from it, but it's not the stuff that we get hung up on anymore. We don't look back on that year and think, oh, how rubbish that was. I'd like to see us talk a bit less about my cancer because I feel like it's a it's a key feature of this conversation. Yeah, well, it seems like well, and I don't want people to think that, but it it's it is a key part of our story, and it's so prominent that you know it feels natural at times, but resilience obviously applies to loads of different contexts, and I'm just wondering how it shows up in what you've been doing over the last year and a half to two years, because you've obviously been everyone.
'The Obstacle Is The Way' In Practice
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so it's like building a business, and like you say, I'm not talking about the cancer again, but sort of am. In terms of okay, in terms of what I'm trying to get at y'all though, is in that moment I was going through a difficult time with work, right? I was, you know, having conversations, leaving the business, all that sort of stuff. I could have so easily in that moment when you got your diagnosis, went shit, let I'll just go back to work. Yeah, like we didn't have we didn't have a clue what it was gonna look like financially for us, felt like that. Didn't know whether it was really risky. It was like I would just had a friggin' baby for God's sakes, like it was so risky, but it was knowing that I had a had a choice and having that belief of like I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna that determination, I'm gonna use this as fuel, right? Like, and that was the key of going. We all have different crap that gets thrown at work, and it can be one extreme or the other, and there'll be people who've dealt with a gazillion times worse stuff than we've ever dealt with, and there'll be people that have haven't dealt with anything, yeah, what we've dealt with in the last few years, but we should learn from people, and I think that's what it's about. We should learn from people, and your when crap happens, it shouldn't define you. That's the key thing, you shouldn't let like don't let it define you, use it as fuel to the fire.
SPEAKER_01So, by that are you saying sort of me getting that diagnosis? I could have just become a cancer a victim to cancer, I suppose.
Don't Play The Victim
When Decisions Start To Compound
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but is it it's that it's the victim mentality though, right? So, like me building the business over the last few years, I have tried and failed at so many things over the last few years, like so many things. I've pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone, it's not even funny so many times, right? And I could easily sit and be like, it's not fair, why is you know I'm looking at people online, why are they making all this money and I'm not making you know a million pounds a month now? Like other people are building a business, and within six months they're earning a hundred grand a month, like ridiculous. Um, but you could easily fall into that, or you can take a bit of accountability and look at it and go, right, what can I learn from this? What do I need to do? What is in my control? What are my options? That's it. I can't control what other people are doing, I can't control whether they're they have been really successful and have made that money. I can't control whether it's absolute bullshit and they haven't. I've got a clue. But what I can do is look at that and use that as fuel as well and go, well, if they can do it, why can't I do it? It proves it can be done. It's all of that sort of stuff. Yeah, it is all comes back to the decisions you make.
SPEAKER_01So are you saying when you're in that situation and you have shown yourself to be capable of good judgment, decisions that have led you through that situation, benefited from the situation, that almost stacks up compounds and that's where the growth of resilience comes from, I suppose. Yeah. So you keep taking those setbacks or what might have been seen as a mistake in the first instance, actually becomes a lesson which then strengthens you, strengthens you your resolve, makes you more knowledgeable. I'll not do that again. Yeah. And you become better and more resilient as a result.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you're able to deal with difficult situations over and over again. Like in and that's a thing. Like we've just we've just been to a networking event this morning, right?
SPEAKER_01And that guy who was talking at the end there, um There's a guy called Hassan, yeah, and he's the uh he's the founder of Burger Drop. Yeah, there's a couple of Newcastle. Well, there's one in Newcastle, there's a kitchen in the gate, but yeah, they're all over the shop now, aren't they?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so he's now franchising this business out and he's doing really well, and blah blah blah blah. But even him himself, he was talking about like the first one he opened, like the few weeks before, he wasn't eating, he was so stressed. The stupid mistakes he was making, he was trying to build this business, but he didn't have a clue left, right, and centre, what the hell he was doing. But now he knows what he's doing because he's made those mistakes and he's learned from them, and he's then made sure that he didn't make the mistakes again, and that and that is exactly what it's about. If he just went, you know, those two weeks before opening the first shop and went, Ah, this is too hard, I'm not doing it.
SPEAKER_01But even leading up to the shop, it might not have even getting opened if it weren't for the fact that you still have to be.
SPEAKER_02That's what I mean, he would have just if he just walked away at that point, then he wouldn't be where he is now, franchising it, making, you know, millions and all the rest of it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's about the choices you make in those really difficult decisions, whether you choose to keep going or you choose to give up.
SPEAKER_01It was it was amazing what he said, where he basically was 120 grand down initially to then make his first million in his first year because he stayed the course, didn't he?
SPEAKER_02Well, the sold a million in burger guys, but a million in sales, yes, made a million in sales make that much money, but not revenue, but still Yeah, no, but that's massive though, like in a first year, that's exactly the thing, right? And that just goes to show the power of this stuff. Now, it's easy to sit, I suppose, and listen to us banging on about this and being like, Well, yeah, but you're still not actually telling us how to do it. Like, how do you be more resilient? Like, when it is shit and everything's going on.
SPEAKER_01So I'm waiting for you to get to the point to be honest. So, yeah, come on.
Let's Get Practical: The RUN Framework
SPEAKER_02Oh, you're getting a smack after this. Um good job, I'm resilient. Um, yeah, so the I'll take them through the three-step framework that I've got, right? So I've created this three-step framework. So when it's something just to have in the back of your mind, when shit hits a fan and something goes wrong, and something you know, you need to start being a bit more resilient about it. Think of this. So think about run. So not proper outdoor running, but that'll be a little bit legging after this podcast when you come to smackers. Yeah. Um, this is a three-step framework to help you in those moments when things start going, just think, right, run. The first thing you're gonna do is a reality check what's actually going on right now, like what on earth is actually happening right now, what are the facts versus what are the stories? So if you have to literally get a piece of paper, I do this with my clients sometimes, draw a line down the middle. One side write facts, one side write stories. So if you think about I did a launch and nobody turned up, right? What are the facts? I did a launch, nobody turned up. What are the stories I'm telling myself? Everybody thinks I'm stupid, nobody thinks I know what I'm doing, people didn't turn up because um I'm not good enough, um, all that like noise that comes up in your head, the facts might be right, I did a launch, I did a webinar, nobody turned up. Okay. I did three posts about it on my social media, and I sent two emails to my email network. Okay, what can I learn from that? Yeah, like what can I that's the fact you've got, right? So next time, maybe try and do six posts and ten emails. Like, it's that sort of stuff. So try and uh ground yourself and get your logical brain to switch back on. So doing that bit of work around what are the facts versus what are the stories. So that's the first one.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'll just say no what you've got a psychology degree.
SPEAKER_02No, yeah, we'll go.
SPEAKER_01It's a common um technique used in CBT, cognitive behavioural behavioural therapy, which is to get you out of the way of thinking, uh get you out of that process of imagining things, yeah, yeah, and think about things from a logical, factual, evidence-based standpoint. It's just interesting that struck us there where you were saying that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so that's a first step run, like what's actually happening here, and then focus on that circle of control. What can I control? I I can't control why people haven't turned up and why they haven't bothered doing that thing and why people haven't signed up for it. But I can control these are the facts I've got about the situation. This is what I can do about it next time. That's it. Then we'll go on to the you, which is unstuck. This is about taking action. You're not going to change anything unless you actually take some action on something. That's it. But it's not about like when we think about the big picture, it becomes really overwhelming, right? And it can come become really scary, and then we don't do anything, we're going to procrastination mode and everything else. So at that point, think about like what is one thing that would just move us forward, what's one thing that would just help right now, and do that one action, just tiny little step. Um, and then N is about nail and consistency. So, this is what I've talked about before. Consistency is not like a hundred percent every single day. It's the same thing we talk about when you know people start January like New Year, New Me, and like I'm gonna walk 10,000 steps a day and I'm gonna go to the gym five times a week and I'm gonna eat nothing but like rabbit food. The reality is you're not gonna stick to it because you've gone from stuffing your face over Christmas to then trying to like overhaul your whole life. Like it's the that's not the reality of it. Like, for for me, at the minute, I'm trying to have a better morning routine, right? And this is something we spoke about, and I'm like, I want to get up. Is this me saying I'm gonna get up every morning and do I want an hour and I'm gonna meditate and I'm gonna do an exercise class and I'm gonna do go for a run and I'm gonna do all of this stuff. Like, no, because we've got a flipping two-year-old, right? Like, this is just not possible. Um so what it is is like 15 minutes. I just want 15 minutes to myself to just do my journal, do a quick meditation, that's it. And some consistency is not like right, I have to religiously do it every single day. Over the last couple of weeks, Alfie's not been well a couple of days. So, did it happen? No, it didn't happen because he's a priority. But the fact is, I got straight back onto it and did it again as soon as he was feeling better, and that's it, that's where consistency comes in. It's not about being a hundred percent every single day, but it's about just continuing to do the little bits where you can. And those days where he wasn't well, if I could grab five minutes to quickly put something in my journal, then I did. If I couldn't, fine, I'll do it tomorrow. But it's about then taking the action and going again. So that's just a three-step simple framework. So reality check, what's actually going on here, facts versus stories, what's in your control, unstuck, what's just one simple action that I can take just to keep moving myself forward and um nailing consistency, so keep going. And that's a thing, like like I used before, you know, unstuck for me when you weren't well was uh go to the gym because that one thing.
SPEAKER_01If I don't do anything else today, if I spend the rest of the day crying on the sofa watching Netflix, if I've done that one thing, I know I'll feel better about it tomorrow, and then consistency in that context isn't necessarily saying right now I need to go to the gym every day, but it's more about I need to make a proactive choice every day or as many days as I can where I can feel up to it, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you've dealt with a lot of shit over the last few years, um, and you've definitely become a lot more resilient off the back of it. What if what would you say as somebody who's in the pits of it right now, who's going through that really difficult time? Um, what do you think is one or two things you think they need to hear?
SPEAKER_01Um this one's gonna sound less kind than the next bit. So the first thing is life isn't easy, and what I've come to learn is that it's better to make your peace with that as soon as possible. That simply put, it isn't easy and it's not supposed to be easy. You know, we talk about like life, life is so unfair and stuff like that. Life is unfair, yeah. That is something that you can absolutely put all your money on that you're going to be faced with situations that are just crap, some worse than others. Um so that's something worth making your peace with. I think by doing that it can be a little bit freeing. You can sort of think you can think less as a victim or as a target of something, that it is literally just fate, almost not that whether you believe in fate or not, it's it's just that the the die the dice will get cast one way or another, and wherever it lands, it's you're gonna be faced with the result of that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
Takeaways And Final Summary
SPEAKER_01So that's one thing. The other thing is to and I've said it before, but just think about what you can control in those moments, those choices that you can make. That's where it all stems from. I use this term and it's gonna sound a bit cringe, but when you think about wins and losses, W's and L's, I think wins and lessons. Wins and lessons, no losses, just lessons. Um there's no point thinking about situations that could be interpreted as a failing, as anything other than as an opportunity to grow, because if you focus on the failure aspect of it, that's gonna hold you back. Do you really want to hold yourself back? I don't want to hold myself back. I would much rather take those opportunities and try to grow from them. Will you be able to grow from every single one of them? No, sometimes it is just a massive cut-up, and sometimes it's just really, really unfair circumstances that you're faced with. That that again goes back to the whole thing that life isn't fair. But you've got to take them where they come, where the the opportunity presents itself. I think that's yeah, I think I've spoken long enough there, but those are my takeaways, I think.
SPEAKER_02So I think the the key thing with all of this that we've talked about is that focus on what you can control, think about it in terms of that what lessons can you learn from this situation, what can you do to help that future version of you so you're gonna look back on this period and be proud of how you handled it, yeah, um, and of you know, be able to look back and think of good memories versus hard memories when you look back at difficult situations, whatever it is that you're facing.
SPEAKER_01All these decisions compound and grow your resilience. Yeah. If you can think along those terms and think, well, if I do make a choice now, that memories feels quite tough. But actually, you know, if these people are to be trusted, then by making that decision, that's going to make the next one a little bit more natural, it'll come to you a bit more naturally, it'll make it easier, and that's where your resilience grows. Does that make sense? No. No, it goes back to that thing about decisions compounding on themselves. So you make a decision that takes you forward rather than dwelling in it. Yeah. Um do that the once. The next time you get faced with a situation, you'll feel more inclined to make that more proactive step as opposed to again sitting.
SPEAKER_02And it'll get easier and easier and easier.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_02But that is the thing, like just to remember that resilience is hard, it is difficult when you're in it and you're doing it and you're being resilient. It's hard, but it's normal and it's fine. It's not, you know, just put a smile on and just pretend all's okay. That's not saying that. It's about just acknowledging where you're at, being aware of it, and and just keep moving.
SPEAKER_01And recognising that challenges are the way, obstacles are the way. That is the that is the whole point. You're not supposed to find life easy when you are working towards something, when something feels when something matters. Yeah, when something matters, exactly. That's what I was trying to get at. When something matters, it's not supposed to be easy. The only things in life that are really easy are just the things that you enjoy, the things that you take for granted and can have fun with. But the the things that you work on where work is supposed to be challenging. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01With all that said, shall we wrap it up?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, just remember you're not on your own, just keep going.
SPEAKER_01And if you want to reach out, you can do. Remember, this goes out on YouTube as well as the typical podcast channels. Obviously, with YouTube, you're gonna leave comments. Obviously, you're posting on social media. I'm now posting on social media, I've now activated my account. Yeah, yeah. So we can both be reached in my DMs and on the comments below a post, so keep an eye out for those. Um at anth underscore expansions coaching for me. Yours are still at expansions coaching, you're gonna change it at some point, aren't you?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, planning a bonus podcast soon, which will give me a chance to sort of talk about my practice because it's slightly different, even though it is adjacent to Kirsty's, so look out for that. Otherwise, thank you for listening and we'll catch you on the next one.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.
SPEAKER_01Like, share, and subscribe.
SPEAKER_02Thanks, bye.
SPEAKER_01Say bye,