Episode 13: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Bad news is inevitable. The part we rarely get taught is how to stop it becoming a story that wrecks our confidence and drives panic-led choices. We’re talking about reframing: the skill of separating what happened from what you’re telling yourself it means, especially when life throws a proper spanner in the works.

We get personal about redundancy, the uncertainty of a consultation period, and that stomach-drop moment when the decision becomes real. We talk honestly about the pressure of income, mortgages and family life, and why even “it’s not a reflection on your performance” can still feel like a hit. From there we move into practical resilience tools that help us come back to centre: giving ourselves time to process, going for a walk, talking it through, journalling, and shifting attention to the circle of control so we can act instead of spiral.

Then we share the turning point: taking a proactive stance, exploring options, and stepping into freelancing even with the “can I actually do this?” doubts. To make it usable for you, we end with three questions we lean on when things go sideways, including how to challenge the first story your mind offers and how to look for what the situation might make possible. If you’re navigating redundancy, job loss, career change, mindset work or just a season of uncertainty, this one will give you language and structure to move forward. Subscribe, share it with someone who needs a reset, and leave us a review with the reframe you’re working on right now.

Transcript

Why Reframing Beats The News

SPEAKER_01 0:05

So today we're talking about reframing and about how the story you tell yourself is the most important thing rather than the actual news itself. So welcome to Unstuckable. This is our next episode, and by the end of this podcast, we're going to give you three questions that you're going to want to go away and check in with yourself around when life sort of blindsides you or throws a bit of a spanner in the works, I suppose.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Which you've got a bit of experience in.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Just a little bit. So do you want to tell a little bit about what's been happening the last few months?

Redundancy Rumours And Reality

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Sick of my life, man. Constant. It's always someone. I'm joking. So back in Feb I got made aware that there were redundancies happening at my place of work. At the time I thought, you know, come up, mate. You know, there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening. I've still got a job to do. So I carried on doing my job to the best of my ability. Albeit with that hanging over my head. But ultimately that was all I could really focus on, and that's what I did. So carried on. Redundancies. Sorry, the consultation period began in the last month, and then yeah, got the news that my team was being reduced, streamlined, synergies. All these kinds of uh words were getting thrown about, and uh yeah, me and uh some close colleagues of mine were affected.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

So I suppose thinking about it, right? Like you got the news. I think if we're honest, you were probably a bit naive at the beginning in terms of like when the so your organisation got taken over by another organisation, right? And I remember you saying, like, oh yeah, that'll be fine. I was like, no, you they're all gonna make redundancies with my obviously HR head on his. And um, you were like, No, no, like we've got a really good team, that's not gonna happen. I was like, no, that is, and I think there was probably that bit of naivety there around thinking of optimism about you know, you've got a really strong team, you're known for really delivering really high quality stuff, so then you know, why wouldn't they keep you on, right? Um, so what was that? And what was your initial jerk reaction when you kind of got the news that oh this is actually happening, yeah.

Handling Uncertainty With Control

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Yeah, obviously there are high stakes, aren't there? As far as someone in my position is concerned, our position, you know, I rely on an income. We've got mortgage uh mortgage payments to make. Um, we've got Alfie, we've got to keep you looking pretty. Yes. Well, I said yeah, we primar clothes. Um, I'm joking again. Um but obviously there was all that uncertainty around like, so what happens if this does go down the pan? Um, I've never been made redundant before, it's a journey I've never been on before. So it was it was a new experience, and yeah, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel quite uncertain and quite unsettled about the whole process and what it would mean for us if things were the went they did, yeah, went the way they did.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

So I think that probably the key thing is over that period of time between like getting told that there was potential there and then actually finding out, um would you say like where was your head at when it came to actually finding out? Were you thinking, oh you know, this is gonna happen, this is not gonna happen, or were you in a little bit of denial that it was happening, would you say?

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Nah, not denial. Not denial. My way of looking at it from the get-go was whatever happens, happens, basically. Um but this all comes from experience, and we'll get into a bit of this soon. But my thinking was whatever happens, happens, and you've just got to make the best of it. Not the best of a redundancy, like you don't want to uh sugarcoat what's actually happening, but what happens next is where my focus was, I suppose.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

And it's probably what we've talked a lot about, isn't it? Circle of control and and that sort of stuff, and focusing on you know, you you can't help the fact you've been put in this position, like it's not a great position to be in. There's a lot of uncertainty, there's a lot of questions. However, you can either choose to worry about it, stress about it, anxious, you know, all those sort of things, or you can choose to go, you know what, I'll do my best, I'll do what I can in order of the selection process, da da da, I'll channel my energy into that, and yeah, it it is out of your control. Like you you can't make that decision at the end of the day, you don't know what the other people who are running against you look like

The Moment The Decision Hits

SPEAKER_01 4:48

and stuff like that. So obviously, then a couple of weeks ago you got told that yeah, you were off, you are kicking you out the top. What was your initial reaction when you actually got that news that this is the reality now?

SPEAKER_02 5:02

And that's important to bring up because I'm saying that my focus was sort of okay, so what do I make sure that I can do to navigate this in the best possible way? But you're still hoping that you don't get made redundant, like anyone in my position, you're still sort of hoping that you've got that security, you've got that safety net. Um obviously when you get that news, no, it's not great, no, it's not nice, and they tell you like it's not um it's not a reflection on your performance, um, you know, it's not a reflection on you, you're a valued member of the team, or like generic shite, yeah, but at the same time, you know you were up against other people for that role, and someone got that role, and why did they get that role? Because they've been considered more valuable to keep. So it's a little bit of a dent, shall we say, in the confidence, and yes, obviously the safety net has now been removed, so all that future focus and all that kind of stuff, there is still that big question mark. It's like now this is real, now I've got to put those things into action. So there was that sort of jolt, I suppose.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

Yeah, yeah. So how have you what have you done to help yourself work through it?

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Um I mean, jolt aside, you know, negative thoughts aside, um, which were there, the thinking overall was still the same in terms of yeah, whatever happens, good or bad, whatever happens, I need to be prepared in some way. So I was looking for jobs, I was weighing up my options, I was considering my next steps ultimately. Um were we gonna was I gonna be able to sort of use that break, I suppose, in working to focus more on the business, which is still work, but it's like it's a one, it's it's a a type of work that carries more risk because then we need to really focus all energies on generating the income through the business as opposed to just having that security of a regular income already sorted out. So it's all those kinds of things, and actually being future focused still came with question marks. It was like as I've just mentioned, risk, there was all that involved, so it was like trying to get me your head around all those kinds of things, but as I suppose in amongst all that, a good thing that I was able to remind myself of is everything that we've talked about, everything we've experienced up until this point, yeah, which is about being in control and making decisions on my terms, yeah. So not thinking this is crap, this is reflection on me, this is a reflection on my work, um, oh my goodness, like what what do I even how am I gonna be able to support the family the way that I have been doing? Um rather than let that take hold, it was a case of making decisions that felt best for me and those weighing up of the options as part of that process, knowing or figuring out rather what could be done as a first step before then deciding what I am actually gonna do. Yeah. But I suppose it always comes back to that idea that you know I'm not just gonna accept the situation for what it is and think this is crap and then roll over, and that's the end of it. Like there's no use in that.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

And I think it's good to know that, like, you know, when we're talking about this, it's not like oh yeah, well, I've just been dead positive all the time. There's been moments, like especially the day that you got the news. I remember even I was like, oh fuck, this is actually happening. Like I was thinking I was probably in a bit of denial of being like, Oh yeah, it'll be fine, like and like you're really good at your job, you know. But then I was like, Oh, I know there's other people on your team who are also really good at their job. But I was like, no, it'll be fine, it'll be fine. And

From Panic To Practical Action

SPEAKER_01 8:33

then obviously, when the you got the news that day, I remember going a bit like, oh shit, oh shit, right, what do we do? And I kind of went into a bit of that panic sort of mode straight away. I think you had a couple of moments of like, I just need some time to process this, and it was that I think for both of us, we just needed a little bit of time, but because of like you say, everything we've done and got to this point, it was like we didn't sit in that, and I think that's a key bit to know, it's not about not feeling the emotions and not going through the process of the shock and the like shit and the panic and all that sort of stuff, but it's about what tools have you got to bring yourself out of it quicker, yeah, because ultimately we could have sat in that panic and stress and worry for weeks and weeks and weeks and still being stressed and worried now that you've left the business.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Panic applying to jobs and all that kind of stuff, like those emotions can fuel a lot of behaviours that don't really serve you, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Um so yeah, I think there was a few things we did in the moment that we've done before, you know, getting outside, going for a walk, giving ourselves a little bit of time to process it, talking about it, talking about it, journaling, yeah, all of that sort of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

It's also worth noting that um being positive about a situation like this isn't just about um putting on a brave face, yeah, putting on a smile, and thinking things will get better, things will turn out for the best, like just assuming that much or you know, people people when they try to be supportive, and I and I would probably do the same as well. It's like, oh, you'll be fine, man. You'd be fine, you land on your feet, oh you've got it all worked out, man, oh you've got your skills and all that, you'll be fine. And I like I say, I would probably do that for someone else as well. Yeah, if if I believed it, if they're useless. I'm joking. Um, but yeah, all those kinds of things were being said, and I love that encouragement, I love that sort of uh buy-in that I had from you from your friends and family. But it's not a given, no, it's not a given. Like you can you can assume or believe that all all all you want, but me the individual or us as a couple being faced with this reality, you had to be we had to be proactive, take a proactive stance. You can't just think, oh, it'll work out and just hope for the best.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Like you've actually got to work on it, you've actually got to take action towards it.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

So taking all that into account, do you want to update as to where we are at now?

SPEAKER_02 11:03

What prior skint houses getting taken off work? Shut up.

Freelancing Pivot And New Confidence

SPEAKER_02 11:10

So doing alright, actually. So I'm about to start freelancing. Um, so that's keeping work going, keeping going, like like we're on my bare ends.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

But it's actually really significant, yes, actually a way more significant pay than what you were on previously. Opportunities that you didn't even know were out there have come flooding in, right? Um, and is now gave her the opportunity to be way more flexible, to move up the timescales of you joining the business, of all that sort of stuff. There's so much positive come out of it. Um, and sometimes, you know, you can, you know, we've wanted this change for a long time, haven't we? Like, we've wanted you to be in the business, we've wanted to grow this and do all this sort of stuff, but it's always been like, we need that stable income from you to kind of keep things going while I'm building the business in the background. Yeah, so actually we've got what we wanted a lot quicker than we wanted, yeah. But obviously, there's then that panic, you know, that panic and stuff that can come in from it because we're not in control of it in that in that moment and stuff, but actually, what's come out of it has been really positive.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

Yeah. Um, have been helped, of course, like the whole freelance thing. I hadn't given it serious consideration until it was suggested, and I was put in contact with someone. And the thing in that moment is that I've seized it and it's I'm doing something that I'm not accustomed to, don't have experience in. It's it's a slightly different gravy in terms of working arrangements and you know uh the kind of conversations you have, how you enter the how you get involved in that type of work is slightly different. Um just that in itself, the difference from what I'm used to, sort of had is thinking, oh, can I do it? I'm up to it. But I just threw myself at it anyway. Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna have this conversation, I'm gonna have this meeting, I'm gonna get in in touch with the clients and I'm I'm gonna do this. If they want to listen to me and they want to work with me, I'm gonna do this.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

And it's paid off.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Yeah, it's absolutely paid off.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

And you haven't even had a week's break because you've had your graft and all week.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

That's the only thing, aye.

Three Questions That Change The Story

SPEAKER_01 13:15

So if I was to say to you, if you go back and you're at any of the moments in terms of when you first found out, when you found out you were getting made redundant, and you know, last week when it actually happened, if you were to give three questions, what were the three questions that you would ask yourself in that moment just to help you settle things down and think about things a little bit differently and help with that reframe?

SPEAKER_02 13:40

We've sort of floated around it as we've been talking there, but one is what story am I telling myself about this situation, and is it the only story so it comes back to that element of choice? Like, is my story in this moment or Ant got made redundant? Boohoo, like we're a load of crap, better get back on the job market and see what's out there and quick, you know. I talk about like panic applying and all that kind of stuff. Is that the story, or is the story anth got made redundant? You had long-term aspirations of why am I talking myself talking about myself in the third person? What a gimp. Or am I looking at it and thinking, you know, I had aspirations to go self-employed anyway? This has changed the time scale on that slightly. What can I do to navigate this to maybe help realise those aspirations a bit sooner? Why does it have to be a negative? Can it be a positive? And if it is a positive, what does that look like? Moving on from that, what does it look like if this situation is happening for me rather than to me, if that makes sense? Yeah. So I've talked about this in my coaching practice a little bit about how it's it's it's it's inaccurate to think that life just happens to you. Yeah, you know, we are we have agency in life, we can make decisions for ourselves, we have free will. Some people debate that, but I'm not gonna get into that. Um, so it's it's about that way of thinking. So, what would happen if this was happening for me rather than to me? And that sort of helps with the decision-making process as well, because if you can see the benefit, I think that gives you a bit more confidence, it makes you think about the situation more positively, and then yeah, you make better better decisions, I think.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Yeah, so the funny thing is I was literally reading a book, I've been reading a new book called The Parallel Universes of Self and there was a quote in it the other day, and I literally messaged it to myself because it was like nine o'clock, ten o'clock at night or something. Um you do not see the world as you do not see the world as it is, you see the world as you are. And it's that thing, like it it we've all got different realities and perceptions of what's happening around what it's it's in your choices to how you see it.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, done a lot of study on anatomy psychology, it all boils down to things like the use of language, like what what words are most used used commonly in your vocabulary? Do they tend to have a negative slant or a positive slant? All those kinds of things, and yes, obviously, we perceive reality through a lens, a filter built above our own biases, attitudes, and that's what we've been working on, and that brings us back to this thinking around sort of everything that we've done up until this point when we've been faced with challenges. That the the the thing that we um talk about most commonly when we think about coaching and that kind of stuff, you know, we're walking the talk and all that kind of stuff. It all comes from navigating those challenges through the decisions we've made, and those decisions have built up our confidence, they've compounded to the point where this situation came along and it was like time to do the problem, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 16:47

Time to do the dance again, time to divorce you because you're taking an absolute piss now. Bye ma'am, see you later. Good timing. And last question, what else could they ask themselves in that moment to just try and help?

SPEAKER_02 17:04

Uh last one is what's one thing this makes happen that might not have were the circumstances different. Um so again, it sort of ties in with what I've just been saying there, but weighing up your options, being more front-footed, looking at the potential positives out of this situation, what does that look like tangibly speaking? So entering the business quicker, which then leads to um uh more success for the business. Yeah, like it that there are definitely things on the horizon that we'd be working towards, and this could absolutely accelerate that.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

If I don't make that choice, if I don't invest my energy in that, that's never gonna happen.

SPEAKER_03 17:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

But if I do, there's a chance it'll happen. And if it doesn't happen the way that we want it to, we keep going until it does.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Yeah, there's more options, and that's the thing, it's known

Planning With Risk In Mind

SPEAKER_01 17:55

as options, right? Yeah, so like some people might go, but hang on a minute, are you not contradicting yourself? Yeah, because you're saying you want to be in the business, but then you've just took some agency work on. It's like, yeah, but actually there's a balance. We've still got a mortgage, we've got a child, we've got bills to pay, we've got shit going on, right? So it's the balance between yes, that we want that to happen, yes, we want it to happen now, but actually the agency work you've got is only three months. We've already this week put loads of plans in place and loads of things in motion that our can then carry on with over the next three months to get us set up ready for the end of that three months, so then we can go all in. And if we'll get to that point and we'll reassess and we'll review and we'll go, actually, hang on a minute, it might be worth you picking up a little bit more agency work for another three months or another month or whatever that looks like, then we'll reassess at that point. Yeah, but it's just known that it's not a kind of all eggs in one basket approach. Yes, we could have easily just went, right, that's it, fuck it, we'll just both go in all in on the business and we'll do it all now. But you've got to weigh up your level of risk, and like right now for us, that level of risk's probably a just tiny little bit too high, yeah. But the next three months I'll reduce that risk for her to help her to push towards it.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

That's it, that's it.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

We're not with that positivity and more with that proactiveness, still comes with an element of being sensible about what yeah, it's just logic and bringing that in, and that's the point of like the work you need to do to bring that logical part back into it and not focus so much on the emotional side of it, which is easily done when you're put into this situation.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

I could have gone the complete other direction and being like fully excited by the whole thing, and again, that's an emotional response, is like, right, let's just let's just knuckle it down for the next two months or whatever, and just absolutely blast it, promote the shit out of the business and really grafted it. Fine, fine, absolutely fine. And you know what is that might work, but on balance, it wasn't the decision I wanted to make this time round. The way I visualize it, it's almost like with every fork in the road leads to another fork in the road, yeah. But you're always heading forward, yeah, never backwards. So it's just making sure that whatever direction you take at that point, yes, this is going to be the longer route to what we want to achieve, but we never said that we wanted this to happen overnight anyway.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

It's a shorter route than what we were previously. So exactly right, and it's good to run my hand yourself at that as well.

Closing Reframe And Community Invite

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Yeah. So I think to close on, I think what we need to just remember is when we talk about reframing, it's not burying your head in the sand, it's not pretending it didn't happen, it's not not feeling all the feelings and all that sort of stuff. It's going through the motions, but it's then how do you reframe it and how do you use it as fuel? How do you get back on track? How do you decide which fork in the road to take and move forward from there?

SPEAKER_02 20:49

I think a good way that I look at it is it's not a question of being negative and being overly optimistic. It's somewhere in the middle, it's like experience the negativity, but with a view to keep moving forward in a way that's logical and makes sense. So don't get too bogged down, but don't get too hyper, or don't or don't get too um sort of focused on, oh you know, I just need to put a brave face on, I c I need to hide my emotions, like that's also a bad thing to do. It's just about right, let's be proactive, let's put a plan in place and let's execute.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Yeah. So have a little bit of think about is there one thing in your life right now that you may be framing wrong that you could frame slightly different that would give you a more positive outcome.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

Yeah, that's it. That's it in a nutshell, really.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

So, off the back of that, keep watching because, like I say, we've got so many exciting things done. This week we've launched our very first in person co working networking days, which I'm so excited about. Crack on club. The crack on club, yeah. If you are in the Northeast and you want to come along, it's a full day, it's co working, it's networking, it's collaboration. It's time to get your head down and graft. It's drinks, it's food, it's everything you need.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

If I get my own way, it's gonna be the bongles bingo of networking events. Well, we'll see how feasible that is.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. But yeah, that's first one's on the 14th of May. So get along, come and meet one person. Um, tickets are on Eventbrite.

SPEAKER_02 22:22

Lovely stuff. Yeah. Shorter one this week, and moving forward, they're all gonna be a bit shorter as well. Um, just to keep them rolling. We've been a little bit inconsistent lately, but we want to get back to that consistency, and we think that's gonna be the best method moving forward.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

So thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Yeah, thank you very much. Till the next one.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Make sure you like, share blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 22:41

Try again.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Make sure you like, share, and subscribe. Please really helps. Help us grow, get ourselves out there a bit more.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

Yeah, thank you very much. Till the next one. Bye. Cheers. Bye.