What If Healing Starts When You Stop Hiding Jason's story part 1

We sit with Jason to trace the path from masking pain and addiction to a grounded life shaped by service, spirituality, and neurodiversity-aware tools. The talk moves from childhood trauma and paranoia to honest boundaries, gratitude, and the hard choice to let go of the last secret.

• land acknowledgement and show mission
• early masking, introversion, addictions as avoidance
• childhood trauma, epilepsy, abandonment and trust
• street life, paranoia, unsafe circles
• first meetings, listening before speaking
• service in detoxes and jails, paying debts
• humour as coping, compassion and acceptance tattoos
• ADHD traits reframed as strengths with structure
• sweat lodges, prayer, gratitude and repetition
• moderation, relapse reflections and firm boundaries
• letting go of pornography, alcohol limits and growth
• calmer presence, relationships, and sustained change

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Transcript

Land Acknowledgement And Mission

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 0:01

Welcome to the Big Bears Podcast, co-hosted by Chad Grizzly Bear Bunker, and Keith Polar Bear Galhorn. We would like to acknowledge that we are in Mi'kmaq, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Mi'kmaq people. The people of the Mi'kmaq Nation have lived on this territory for millennia, and we acknowledge them as past, present, and future caretakers of this land. Our mission is to explore the intersection of neurodiversity through a two-wide sea lens, where we share stories of struggle, resilience, grit, and growth. We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast. Now on to today's episode.

Introducing Jason And The Theme

SPEAKER_05 0:55

My name is Chad, and I am the co-host of the Big Bears Podcast, a two-wide scene approach to neurodiversity, where we blend indigenous perspectives with Western perspectives so people can share their stories and relate around the world. Today, on this episode, we are interviewing Jason. He's a really good friend of mine. Got about 20 years friendship going on here. But he's here today to share to us his story of struggle, resilience, grit, and growth. How are you doing, Jason?

SPEAKER_02 1:32

I'm doing alright. Thank you for having me on.

SPEAKER_05 1:35

No problem, brother. So tell us a time in your life, when you were younger or anytime, that was really stru what was a big struggle for you. Having your disability, not really knowing about your disability, too.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

Well I I only really learned about a couple things that I have. I've been pretty in the dark. I think nowadays everything maybe more so accepted or looked upon in a different light. I think a lot of times when I grew up or maybe my upbringing was like we bury everything and just don't talk about it. And I think I

Masking Pain And Early Addictions

SPEAKER_02 2:35

got really good at surviving and dealing with my problems and my pain. Yeah, dealing with everything in a not constructive way.

SPEAKER_05 2:55

Yeah. I know about that. Yeah. Tell us what were some of the things that you should do to yourself when you're having those issues all those feelings and emotions.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

I think I would look I would look outward. And try and do things not to think about. It seemed that I was even now that I was a big introvert. But you wouldn't guess. You would think I'm extroverted because I would force myself and put myself out there and put on the the fake smile.

SPEAKER_05 3:54

Oh yeah, the mask.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Yeah. And but inside I was I was crumbling. Yeah. And you know, and using outward things to to mask.

SPEAKER_05 4:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

And it it only works so long until it just doesn't you switch, I would switch to something else.

SPEAKER_05 4:19

Yeah. So addictions.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Yes. And of of any sort, whether it be a substance, uh, a person, place, a thing, yeah. Anything not to look within and deal with the pain.

SPEAKER_05 4:36

To uh ignore yourself.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 4:39

Yeah. Been there, done that.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

Yeah.

unknown 4:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:44

The uh to thy own self be true and to know thyself. Yeah. Those are very old sayings.

SPEAKER_05 4:52

But I never understood it back then.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

I didn't understand it back then.

SPEAKER_05 4:55

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

It took a lot of inward inward looking to realize how I was wreaking havoc in my life everywhere I went by blaming it on all these other things. I was the common denominator. Yes. You were the one making the choices. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 5:27

What was your childhood look like? Did you live with your parents or your Yeah, I grew up with my parents.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

I didn't really I didn't really see it. Or or maybe I did see it, maybe I locked stuff out. But I don't I don't my

Childhood Trauma And Epilepsy

SPEAKER_02 6:00

childhood there's a lot of a block.

SPEAKER_05 6:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

That maybe I've uh buried and I ended up being having epileptic seizures when I was a little kid.

SPEAKER_05 6:13

Wow, so you have epilepsy then.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

I guess but I kinda grew out of it. I guess when you have it when you're young and they medicate you and then they wean you off of it.

SPEAKER_05 6:24

Yeah. Yeah, my sister went through that only in her adult years.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

Yes, so same with my mom. My mom has it, but she she has it still to this day because she got it when she was older. And my I started going into epileptic seizures after some childhood trauma. Yeah. And then that that happened, and my father left. And uh I was you know after an incident happened, I went and I I seen them in I guess the third or fourth floor, whatever floor they put the people in that are not having mental clarity. Trying to choose my words carefully. Yeah. Rubber rooms and self-hugging jackets type places.

SPEAKER_05 7:16

Oh yeah, you can see whatever you want on this podcast. My stepmother was on earlier and she was swearing, so it's all good.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

Okay. Yeah, so I, you know, I I visited them in that place.

unknown 7:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

It's crazy because like 21 years later, I was in that exact same place.

SPEAKER_05 7:36

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:38

It's like deja vu.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

Yeah. Yeah, it was very weird. Um and then uh yeah, I didn't that was like when I was seven years old, and then I didn't see him till I was like 12. And then I would see him using all the time, partying. And like no one talked to me, and I didn't talk to people about how I was feeling. I was just like, in my head, I'm like, so you left your family to do these things. So after seeing that, I just I just picked up. Right. Started drinking, smoking marijuana, and then tried everything else from there.

SPEAKER_05 8:27

So that's all addiction does.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:29

One thing to the next thing.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

Yeah, exactly. And when one thing stops working, like, oh, try this, or you know, being open-minded and willing in a negative way. Yeah, exactly. To try new things, but the new things aren't good.

SPEAKER_05 8:44

It's a big deal for us neurodivergent people. We have no sensors to when it comes to negativity or red flags.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:52

We just go along with the flow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yeah. It it takes um it takes a lot of work and a strong mind to like break down your old thought patterns.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

And your old your old teachings. Because you're getting taught by people, and

Escalation, Paranoia, And Street Life

SPEAKER_02 9:15

they got taught by people. And those people and you don't know if the teachings are right.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 9:23

Yeah, and people are just teaching things, and it's not their fault. They were taught, and maybe, you know what I mean? And there's so much more information out now that the truth of things start coming out, and you're like, oh, maybe this way of thinking isn't good.

SPEAKER_05 9:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Because it was just, it used to be, you know, just bury, bury all your stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:46

And like, you know, drink yourself to death.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Well, this is it. You're just burying it. Yeah. And yeah, because I'm I'm not a person that wants to talk about anything. Like I don't, I don't wanna, I don't really want to be here talking. And it's okay. But it's it's something that I've learned that you know it's what if it helps someone, even one person, exactly, then it's worth my little uncomfort about talking.

SPEAKER_05 10:14

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

And being vulnerable.

SPEAKER_05 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

Being vulnerable. That's the thing. Because at a young age, you know what I mean? It starts with parents or people that are close to you. Yeah. When that trust is broken, yeah, and then it keeps happening throughout your life, it just gets harder to let people in.

SPEAKER_05 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

And it makes you closed off.

SPEAKER_05 10:33

Trauma and episodes. Yeah. Yeah, I know all about that.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

I mean, I used to go to therapy a long, like a long time ago, before now, and the therapist I had, his name was Jim Dolling, and he was an ADHD guy. And he was a clown before he was a psychologist. So he would sit there and he'd be like, Chad, why is your leg going crazy? Do you want to run? Are you do you really want to be here? And I was like, No. He's like, well, then explain that emotion to me. You know, like he's like, what you need right now is to explain this to me. And honestly, most of my life, I would just run from every situation I got into, similar to yours. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Yeah. The ADD or ADHD, or I I didn't, I didn't even really think about that like this past year. And then I'm noticing all the habits.

SPEAKER_05 11:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

And I'm like, do I ever have it? And the same with autism. I'm like, damn. I'm like, I I've just been I've just been dealing. Yeah. Because I didn't I didn't really look into it. Like I remember high school, like a friend in junior high having ADD and having pills and having Ridland and just selling them to us.

SPEAKER_05 11:50

Yeah. And we just go on into like help you study the test.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 11:57

It's a cheap man's cocaine. And that this is right. This is kitty coat. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah. Oh, frig. And I think uh looking back now, I could see just wanting to maybe fit in or be accepted. So I would choose, like my mom was right about a lot of things. Like telling me like those people aren't your friends, yeah. They were not.

SPEAKER_05 12:24

No. They'll steal your wallet and help you look for it. This is it, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:31

And then yeah, just being having that abandonment issues from a young age. It was like just trying to be accepted by people, even if you knew they weren't the best for you, right?

SPEAKER_05 12:44

Yeah, it was a survival thing. It's you know, w we can blend into any any culture, any situation. Yeah. And that's the best part about being ADHD when you start losing it in a positive way. Because we have the ability to adapt to all situations.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

That's right.

SPEAKER_05 13:00

Right? So That's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Yeah, I I didn't I knew that about myself. I didn't I didn't relate it to ADD. So you must have thought you were just a monster. I just I just thought I was highly adaptable.

SPEAKER_05 13:15

Yeah. I used to think I was a monster.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

Really?

SPEAKER_05 13:18

Yeah, because I couldn't figure out why it had all these issues. Yeah. I didn't know it was my disability.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Yeah, like like now, like I'm because I'm always doing a bunch of things in my head and outwardly I'll I'll be doing something that'll be like, oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do this. And then lately I've been like, stop and I'll say out loud, focus. What's the first thing? Let's complete this first thing. Don't have like three or four things on the go. Yeah. Because you're just making yourself crazy. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 13:55

I always say, Here comes the goldfish. Right.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Well, what was I doing? I

First Steps Into Recovery Meetings

SPEAKER_02 14:00

do that all the time. What was I doing? And luckily, I'm I I found a few people, well, you included, like I've known you. Yeah. Like we were saying, like close to 20 years. Oh, we've been to concerts together. I I I could tell with you when I was younger. I didn't I didn't because I didn't know all the symptoms of it. Yeah. But I just see it in myself. Yeah. You see it in other people. And yeah. And now that I look back, I'm like, oh damn, I got that shit too.

SPEAKER_05 14:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Like I just yours presented in a different way. Yep. Yeah.

unknown 14:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

And it's good, like having people around you.

SPEAKER_05 14:43

That's when I was on medication. I was on medication in my early 20s.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

That shit don't work.

SPEAKER_05 14:49

It don't work. It just made me crazier. I remember staff members at the recovery house I lived in. They'd be so worried about me walking behind them. They thought I was going to tap their booty or something. You know, like because I was always so odd and weird all the time. In a good way, I think. In a good way. It was never in a bad way. In a good way. Yeah. In a good way. I mean, we would be in uh NA meetings and I would be hosting the meeting, and Jason would be sitting in there watching me, because he was my sponsor at the time, making sure I do everything right. And I'm getting ready to announce, you know, welcome to what was it, neurotics anominous? I could not say narcotics anomalous. And he would sit there and laugh at me the whole time. In a loving way. In a loving way. In a loving way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

That's that's a that's a deflection technique.

SPEAKER_05 15:50

Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Yeah. As I've learned. Yeah. Humor. Yeah. Humor, big, big time humor to not, you know, deal with things, really. Because I do that.

SPEAKER_05 16:02

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Everything's a joke.

SPEAKER_05 16:04

Everything's a joke. I laugh about my own pain. Yeah. You know, it's just exactly. It's if you make it your medicine, then it no longer has control over you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

And joking with people or or or picking in a loving way. That's picking up. That means I like a person.

SPEAKER_05 16:22

Yeah, I really like you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

If I didn't like a person, I just won't. Recognize their existence, really.

SPEAKER_05 16:33

Oh freak. Yeah. So we met when was this? I was 20 years old. So you would have been what what age when you met me? 25. 25. So you met me at 25 years old. I was in day detox or detox.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:48

So explain to us a little bit about what was going on in your life then, because you were in recovery at that time.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

So yeah, leading up to that, it was it was just running from myself the situations that I created, whether it be law with the law or or anything like that. I was just always running or running from places. And I'd gotten myself into places and got myself into like a paranoia from real situations of people trying to set me up, like record me, and a couple murder attempts on my life. Jeez. So I was I was really paranoid. And I put myself in these situations.

Service, Purpose, And Paying Debts

SPEAKER_02 17:45

When you're doing things, when you're doing drugs, nothing matters. And you're selling. If you're living, if you're living in a type of lifestyle, sometimes these things happen.

SPEAKER_05 17:55

And when you're on the drugs, it doesn't make any better. I was my best customer.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Yeah. I would always work a legit job and then sell. And when I'd be like, I got paid, and I'd be like, well, there goes my profit.

SPEAKER_05 18:09

There goes the profit. Right? As long as I make some money back to buy some more. Yeah. And the cheaper time. The cheaper you get it, the more you do. Exactly. The only way I could do my drug of choice was if I, you know, paid for a big amount of it. That's right. And then I could sell half of it mixed with some icing sugar. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Like why why go small?

SPEAKER_05 18:32

Like, like people would always eat the other half for myself.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

People would always look at me like that. Anything I'd get, I'd buy bulk and they'd be like, damn. They're like, I'm like, well, listen, you get it cheaper if you buy in bulk. Yeah. The problem is I don't stop. Yeah, exactly. Like, I remember getting getting stuff. Like, I went to make an order, and I was getting a bunch of stuff, and they they didn't have everything. They didn't have any anything except one thing. And they didn't tell me there's like I sent you what I have, and they sent me like half ounce of Yale.

SPEAKER_05 19:15

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Yeah. And I did I I was planning on selling some.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

But that was the plan. That was the plan. I I ended up doing it for like a month straight. Yeah. Nice. And I went to work all day.

SPEAKER_05 19:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

That's so so sad. And that's that's the last time I did Yay. Yeah. I was just like brutal. Oh, see? That's the ADHD thing. Exactly. I went way off track with the story.

SPEAKER_05 19:46

Oh, it's all good. It's all good. This is what it's all about. I was just supposed to say, you know, us ADHD guys are and ladies are really awesome entrepreneurs. The only thing is that we do it in a negative way.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

You gotta find the thing where, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:01

Yeah, you gotta find the thing that helps you do it in a positive way. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

If you're addicted to something and you're trying to sell this product, that might not be the thing.

SPEAKER_04 20:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Anyway, okay, yeah. So drugs. Oh. So I'm paranoid all the time. I don't trust no one. Yeah. And I I can pick up on things. I watch people. I still do it to this day.

SPEAKER_05 20:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

I watch people, I see if it's it's lining up to what they're saying. And I'm I'm hanging out with some CD people.

SPEAKER_05 20:33

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Right?

SPEAKER_05 20:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

You attract on the level that you're at.

SPEAKER_05 20:37

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

So you're you're attracting the same type you are or more negative. So I'm hanging out with people. I'm doing things. And I'm like outside getting high because I don't want to get high

ADHD, Adaptability, And Self-Insight

SPEAKER_02 21:00

with these people because I think they're CD. And they probably were. And I'm like, is this my life? Is this it?

SPEAKER_05 21:09

Yeah. Is there anything more?

SPEAKER_02 21:11

This this sucks. And then I was living with someone that was a part of the program, and they'd never asked me to, you know, come to meetings or do anything like that. They just they just went, and then yeah, that weekend happened, and it was depressing. It was sad. Like anyone that's just gotten drugs and they just sit in their house in a dark room.

SPEAKER_05 21:37

Yeah. I was always afraid of doing that, man. And then I did it for six months straight. Yeah, it's it's sad. It's really sad. It sucks. All of a sudden, you're gonna do another bump and another bump and another bump. And you're like, fuck this. I'd I would literally start inviting people over that I that I weren't my customers, yeah, and just to do it with them because I didn't want to do.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 22:02

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

Exactly. And so I started going to meetings and I would I do the same thing that I still do basically. I would listen and watch people. Because I ain't trust anyone. And I I still have a hard time trusting people.

SPEAKER_05 22:24

Yeah. I do too.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

I'm like yay people and ooh people. I'm like on both sides of the fence.

SPEAKER_05 22:34

People can do some horrible things and some great things. And even if they're in recovery, they still do horrible things.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

Exactly. Exactly. And it's just so I'm just sitting there and I think I think it was a good three months before I talked.

SPEAKER_05 22:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

And the same thing with picking up tags. I d I don't think I picked up tags to like three months. And then I just picked up all of them. I didn't think it was real. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I wasn't I it took a while to be like, you know what? Things are kind of better. Yes. You know what I mean? I don't have everything I want, but the paranoia is lifting. That's good. Um some people seem genuine, and I would do the fish in line approach. I'd give someone a little bit and see what they would do with that information. And I would watch people and see it would get back to me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:39

And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

And then eventually I started getting more time in, and then I was I was taught. I was taught about doing service and speaking. That's that's not the only reason I'm here, basically. Because I was taught, you know, speaking and speaking if if someone, you know, can relate even even one person.

SPEAKER_05 24:07

Yeah, exactly. So it's the whole reason why I do what I do now.

SPEAKER_02 24:11

Yeah, exactly, right?

SPEAKER_05 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:13

It may not be for everyone, but even one person, right?

SPEAKER_05 24:16

Yeah, you can change one person, you've you've made it in life.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

Yeah, so I started taking on responsibilities like speaking at places like detoxes and jails. Yeah. Um, and then that's where I met you and other people, and I was, I think I got to a place where I started seeing positivity in my life because I I went back to school. I I paid all of my debt within a year because all I would do is like I would I would work six days a week and then go to meetings seven days a week and just pay all of my debt. I was just dedicated. And uh I got addicted to meetings. I've been there. I I got

Humour, Community, And Coping

SPEAKER_02 25:00

it.

SPEAKER_05 25:01

They say you can't get addicted, but I was too.

SPEAKER_02 25:05

It just translates to something else. Exactly. But it just might be more more constructive, I guess. So anything, any too much of anything.

SPEAKER_05 25:16

It is too much.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 25:18

Especially when you see the same Bob every week that talks about the same thing every time.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 25:24

You're like, oh, do I need to be sitting here?

SPEAKER_02 25:27

That's that that's that's actually why I I tattooed the side of my the sides of my hands. Oh, geez. I I I tattooed compassion and acceptance on my hands because sometimes when I would be hearing the same person with the same story, yeah, I would just cut my hands in a prayer thing and just and try to focus on what they're saying. Yeah. And you know, not be in my head judging, because it's easy to look outward and judge another. It is instead of just looking within. That's what that's why we all do it. Yeah. Right. So I would try to focus on what the message is and and you know, and that's why I tattoo. Because uh first you gotta you gotta have compassion and acceptance for yourself and then radiate that out.

SPEAKER_05 26:12

I don't know if you remember Miles back in the day.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

Sounds familiar, but it's like you you meet a lot of people.

SPEAKER_05 26:18

Oh, you do, you do, you do, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

And yeah, because I used to I have so many people that I know that I don't really know. Yeah. Like I people used to be like, oh, you're that guy, and I'd be like, oh I'm like, what did I do?

SPEAKER_05 26:35

Yeah, exactly. Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:38

It's just a good you're that guy or a bad you're that guy.

SPEAKER_05 26:41

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yeah, uh so yeah, that's that's and I think I was I was feeling good and seeing positivity. So when I talked, I must have had passion and conviction in what I was saying. Yeah, and I think that attracted people to me.

SPEAKER_05 27:04

Yeah, you attracted me to you because you had long hair.

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Yeah, and and we both liked heavy metal, and I I still don't know that many people that like heavy metal. We need we need to go to some shows or something.

SPEAKER_05 27:15

Yeah, we do, man. Yeah, yeah. I got one next week going to see Bad Religion. Oh, yeah, you were telling me that that's so awesome. Offspring.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Where's that at?

SPEAKER_05 27:27

Scotia Bank Center.

SPEAKER_02 27:28

Okay, crazy. That all sold out?

SPEAKER_05 27:31

Yeah, I think so. Maybe. Who knows? Might have to check.

SPEAKER_02 27:36

Go check out those scalpers.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

Yeah. So I get attracted to you because not only was you had long hair, you were very positive about what you're talking about. And you gotta remember, this is the first time I ever heard of some sort of meeting. Didn't know it existed. I didn't even know that date that detox was a thing.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Just rocking those detox rebots, trying to hang on.

SPEAKER_05 28:06

Yeah, just trying to hang on, taking the sleeping pills at night, having funky weird dreams, yeah, watching everybody else struggle a lot more than me, and I couldn't figure out why the hell I was there, you know. So, but there's always a reason for everything. And after I met you, I met Joe Gibson. A week later he came in to detox to pick up some guys to take them to the Freedom Foundation. Okay, and then I asked you to be my sponsor not long after that.

SPEAKER_03 28:34

So Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:35

And we had some great times, we really did. We we did concerts together, we went to pig roasts together, we we've done all kinds of cool shit to de together. And I did that, we did I did that all in my early twenties, you know, and now I'm an older man. Now I'm a practicing dad, kind of just like you.

SPEAKER_02 28:52

Yeah, it it was it was a really good time in my life because it it it brought

Spiritual Practices And Gratitude

SPEAKER_02 29:00

me to to spirituality.

SPEAKER_05 29:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

And which I'm really great for.

SPEAKER_05 29:06

Yeah, we shared a lot of time in sweat lodges together with a man named Emmett Peters.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

Yeah, and it it was it was so good because it was it was showing uh showing me that you could you could figure out all these answers, you know, by by looking within. Yes. And and really not listening to the ego voice. That's trying to build you up, tear you down, live in the past.

SPEAKER_05 29:34

Yeah, exactly. Did you know that Emmett had ADHD?

SPEAKER_02 29:39

I I did not.

SPEAKER_05 29:40

He did not. That's why he was so in her face.

SPEAKER_02 29:44

It's like it's like rampant. It's like ad or adh or if they're even both separate, I I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

Or if it should just be one thing. And autism, it's it's like they they co-mingle.

SPEAKER_05 30:02

Yeah. A U D H D is a new term these days.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

There's so many damn.

SPEAKER_05 30:07

I know. You got all kinds of freaking. It's hard to keep up. It really is hard to keep up. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:15

Yeah, because I I hang with uh people from all uh age brackets and all walks of life, which I think is important to be eclectic in every in everything uh you do, right? Have a w a wide range, and then you can learn more. I love learning. I love information.

SPEAKER_05 30:36

I'm fortunate to have learned everything I have my whole life. When I stopped taking a look at why I was beating myself up, I started taking a look at all the good things that were coming to me.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

Gratitude, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:48

Right? The gratitude. Emmet would always say to me, would say, You gotta change your attitude, man. Yeah. Find some gratitude.

SPEAKER_02 30:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:57

And you know how you do that? You pick up that book, you take a crowbar, and you open it up, and you lift that big heavy page. You're starting well, day a book, yeah, and you gotta read. And I'll know when you're reading because your eyes will be sore and they'll be red. And then he would go on and he would say, And if you want to really have a good life, learn the power of prayer. He would say that all the time to me, and I'd look at him like, What are you talking about? But I'm fortunate for it because if he didn't say that shit all the time, it wouldn't have stayed in my head.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:36

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 31:37

A lot of us with these words.

SPEAKER_05 31:43

It's like you could be sitting here and a song will come on, and all of a sudden you know all the words to it, but a moment ago you didn't. Yeah. So it's like it's like a memory that comes up pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:56

I know for me the door could be right there, and I'm like trying to get through the brick wall. So sometimes I need that.

SPEAKER_05 32:03

Yeah, you just need a little boost.

SPEAKER_02 32:05

Yeah. Repetition of things. Exactly. Yeah. They say it takes like 30 continuous days to um break or form a new habit.

SPEAKER_05 32:17

Yes. Takes about three weeks.

unknown 32:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:19

So repetition. Or learn moderation. A lot of people can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Yeah, that's that's what Buddha was talking about.

SPEAKER_05 32:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

Moderation.

SPEAKER_05 32:28

I learned moderation and still learning it. Yeah. It's a tough one. It is a tough one. The thing is, is the addiction doesn't allow me to control what I do anymore. I have found balance through power of prayer, which is what Emmett would talk about. You gotta find balance in your life, and the only way you can do that is through a spiritual with a spiritual way of life. Once that's balanced, then everything that you do every day creates a positive state of mind. So if you continue to pray in a positive way,

Moderation, Relapse, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_05 33:00

every day, that mindset grows and grows and grows. Eventually you start to believe you're not that person you used to be anymore. And then you have a positive out a positive outlook on your own life and everything else around you. So when I started growing, I start realizing that, oh, okay, well, my limits cannot have cocaine. Because it's not good for me. So, and then I look at alcohol and I'm like, well, alcohol isn't good for me either, but it's not saying that I couldn't have it or I can't have it. You know what I mean? It's not something good that I should have all the time because it does lead into other problems.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

I remember when I relapsed after like years of being clean, and I felt so bad. And I'm like, why?

SPEAKER_05 33:46

Why?

SPEAKER_02 33:47

Why the hell? It's just an item. Yeah, I'm like and I realized how it was kind of like washing of the brain, the programs. But it it's a good thing. It's a good thing. But yeah, I I noticed how that happened to make me feel so bad, and then I was like, you know what? Yeah, it it is the moderation thing. Yeah. And if you find things like that you can't have moderation in, like me and cocaine. Yeah. Well, what I'm stating is then it's like I can't buy it.

SPEAKER_05 34:25

Everybody is different, everybody uh lives a different journey of life, and not everybody can master they they react differently. Nobody can master those abilities either, so like with it.

SPEAKER_02 34:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:36

Because anytime I ever used to rush it, I rush it, and then 10 minutes down the road I'm beating myself up for why I rushed it.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:44

You know what I mean? Like, so it's all about learning to just be okay with letting it go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:51

And sometimes we might not notice it, but people around us notice it.

SPEAKER_05 34:55

Notice it, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

I've noticed how much you've changed. Like since we haven't talked.

SPEAKER_05 35:00

Oh, yeah, I'm completely different than I used to be.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

You're laid back one.

SPEAKER_05 35:03

Yeah, laid back. Not, you know, I don't need to go make a nuisance of myself. I can do that.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

That's what I mean by laid back.

SPEAKER_05 35:11

I can do that online when it has to do with my podcast or something. You know, like it's just easier. Like you find ways to attract positive attention that doesn't make people feel uncomfortable. You know, and I was professional in making people feel uncomfortable. You know, and one of those reasons I would made people uncomfortable is because I had an addiction that I could never let go of. Every time I got I got clean, every time I tried to change my life around, I couldn't let go of this one thing that caused all of it to continue to happen, and that was pornography. So this time around, I uh I've got about 14 months clean off pornography. That's good. 14 months clean off of steroids, 14 months clean off cocaine.

SPEAKER_02 35:58

I don't I don't even know how long it's been. I I haven't counted, but I did uh I did the same thing with the cocaine because that when when they sent me like 14 G's and I did it 28 days straight. Like I I took, I think I took maybe two nights off, but every day I would go like I'd be up all night doing it, and then I'd go to work and work like 10 hours, and I'd tell myself all day, all right, not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_05 36:31

Not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

I get home, I'm like, one line. Just one. Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_05 36:37

You know what? When I did that, it there was no spirituality involved in it. There was no nothing, there was just me doing what I wanted to do. Yeah. And I did it.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Yeah. And that that's a tough one too.

SPEAKER_05 36:50

Yeah, it's a really tough one.

SPEAKER_02 36:52

And I I've I've done that with yeah, drinking. Yo, we yeah. Because I closet drinkers. I was like going

Pornography, Alcohol, And Honest Change

SPEAKER_02 37:00

down to the garage where my car was. Yeah. Underground parking lot, and I'd be like hiding stuff in my car and drinking.

SPEAKER_05 37:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:09

And it it caused a relationship breakdown. Which isn't good, even though we weren't really compatible.

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 37:19

Thank you for listening to the Big Bears Podcast, a two eyes seeing approach to neurodiversity. We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast. Tune in every second Tuesday at 7 a.m. Atlantic time for a new episode.