Fighting For Safety And Support nickies story part 4

Some stories grab your nervous system before your mind can catch up. This conversation charts a mother’s path from nightly fear and shattered doors to a hard-won version of safety for her autistic son, and it doesn’t flinch. We talk about what happens when adolescence brings strength without supports, why a threat to a cop moved the system when threats to mom did not, and how a single court moment opened the door to placements that actually matched behaviour rather than a file.

We walk through the maze: a short-term secure placement at Waterville, a “place of safety,” then the first staffed home that collapsed under rigid rules, and finally a private team that set clear boundaries and held the line. The result isn’t a fairy tale, but it’s real progress—high school graduation, part-time work in electronics recycling and a doggy daycare, and fewer crises. Along the way we name what families often carry alone: caregiver PTSD, the dread that lingers after the bruises fade, and the grief of loving someone who can still scare you.

Woven through is ADHD—meds like Vyvanse, hyperfocus on the wrong targets, interrupted concentration—and a two-eyed seeing approach that blends Indigenous wisdom with western tools. We get practical about sleep, routine, and nervous system regulation; sensory seeking versus sensory aversion; and how dogs, woods, cold plunges, and swim training can offer lawful dopamine and grounded calm. If you’re fighting for services, you’ll hear a playbook: document everything, escalate respectfully but relentlessly, and demand placements that fit the person, not the paperwork. If you’re a professional, you’ll hear where policies fail lived reality and how to meet families with dignity and usable help.

If this story resonates, share it with someone who needs proof that persistence changes outcomes. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us the one tactic you’ll try this week. Your voice helps other families find a path through.

Transcript

Welcome & Land Acknowledgement

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 0:01

Welcome to the Big Bears Podcast, co-hosted by Chad Grizzly Bear Bunker, and Keith Polar Bear Galhorn. We would like to acknowledge that we are in Mi'kmaq, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Mi'kmaq people. The people of the Mi'kmaq Nation have lived on this territory for millennia, and we acknowledge them as past, present, and future caretakers of this land. Our mission is to explore the intersection of neurodiversity through a two-wide sea lens, where we share stories of struggle, resilience, grit, and growth. We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast.

Setting The Topic: Autism At Home

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 0:50

Now on to today's episode.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

People who truly don't understand what really what mothers have to go through with an autistic child at all.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

No, and like and medication isn't the answer. And you know, like I feared for my life. And honestly, I still at times fear for my life because I'm a big kid now.

SPEAKER_03 1:20

He's what six foot one, six foot two.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Yeah, and he he's huge.

SPEAKER_03 1:24

Um 300 pounds, I'm guessing.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

So when he was 15, this was when I really, it's like

Violence Escalates And 911 Calls

SPEAKER_02 1:31

somebody needs to do something. So when he was 15, I came home. Mary was at the house watching him, and I came home, and the tension in the air was thick. Like Mary didn't even want to leave because she knew something was gonna have gonna happen. And so, you know, she she left and I went upstairs, and I came downstairs and he had hid and jumped out and you know, got me, he got me, he got me good. And so I I when I I when I finally got away, got when he finally got off me, I went for the phone to call 911 and he took off out the door. And so the police came and they went looking for him. He did it, hadn't gone far, picked him up, and they were just gonna bring him back home. And I'm like, I'm fearful for my life. Yeah, he's going to kill me. Either he's going to kill me, or I am going to have to kill him in order to keep him from killing me, right? Like, yeah, like he's going to kill me.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

I remember my dad messaged me during this time, and he had said that you attack he attacked you in your sleep.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

Yes. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

He's gone through bathroom doors, he's like, and it could just happen out of nowhere. Like literally out of nowhere. And I was scared. I was terrified. And the cops were like, Well, there's nothing we can do, really. So we're

Police Response And Legal Turn

SPEAKER_02 3:20

gonna bring him home. Because like they called me and they had him in the back. And but he's in the back, so he's screaming that he's gonna kill the cop. Well, when you threaten a cop, well, oh my gosh, you can threaten your mother all you want, you can threaten to kill your mother all you want, you can pound the shit out of your mother all you want. But if you threaten a cop, it's an offense. It's an offense. It's okay to threaten your mother, it's okay to beat on your mother, it's okay, right? As long as she's not beating you back, or you know, then everything is okay. It's perfectly fine. But he threatened to kill the cop kill the cops. So the cop they took him to they took him to jail. So in the meantime, I'm like, now he's gonna be mad because he got had to go to jail.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

He's gonna take it out on you when he gets home.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

So, and I mean, throughout the years, just so we're clear, like I wrote so many letters, so many emails, caught called so many people. Um, it was like a full-time job. Like it what and it consumed me. Like it was like it was it was what what I did if I wasn't at work, and even sometimes when I was at work, and I mean, in every morning my coworkers would hear, you know, what Isaac did, you know? And I, you know, I had a concussion. I I was a wreck. I was a wreck and scared to death. And I would call your dad, and I mean he couldn't do nothing because he had work, you know, it's not like he could just drive home and you know, and and I just kept I'd call the cops, I'd call my boy Crisis, and I would just keep doing this circle over and over and over and over.

Waterville Placement & Advocacy

SPEAKER_02 5:02

So I went to while he was still in jail, I went to the prosecutor and knocked on his office door, literally. And I said, This kid can't come home with me. Like when we go to court in the morning, this kid cannot come home with me. He's going to kill me. He's going to be mad that he went to jail and he's God knows, like I'm terrified. And and I can't just give him up because that's not in his best interest. I mean, the emotional impact that it would have, like, that it would have on him, that his mother abandoned him. And it wasn't like he did it for a good time. He just did it because I don't even know. I don't even think he knows why. I still don't think he knows why. Like. So the prosecutor said, okay, well, I'm gonna recommend that he go to Waterville for right, and then that'll give you a time to figure out what you're gonna do. So he went to Waterville and immediately had problems with the other kids because they're bad, you know, they're in they're bad, they're brats, because you know, obviously they're in Waterville, they're brats, and Isaac is not like other kids, so they had him in like like a separate area away from the other kids, and they, you know, he was watched 24-7. And in the meantime, I'm on the phone calling like disability supports at community services, like you guys, somebody's gotta do something. Somebody has to do something. So, and I mean I called, I called everybody all day long. I just harassed the living hell out of them. And when I got a call and they said, okay, we're gonna put them in a house of safety. And what basically what a house of a place of safety, and basically what a place of safety is, is when if a kid's being abused or neglected or whatever and they need to temporarily place the kid somewhere, so we're gonna

Failed Group Home Attempt

SPEAKER_02 7:12

utilize that. But I'm not, but but I won't lose like custody or anything of him. Like I still, right? It's all voluntary. If I want to go get him, I can. Um, I still have you know, I'm still financially responsible for him, yada yada yada. So they put him in a place of safety, and it was a house with like staff, and I forget the organization, but he needed something more permanent, like permanent. So they got him an organization called, and I should know the names of these places. So there are companies that provide services to house and staff kids and adults with difficulties, and then and it's usually a temporary situation until they can get into like a small option home or a group home or whatever. By Isaac, I mean you can't put Isaac in a group home, right? You can't put Isaac in a small option home, right? He'd be he'd be threatening to kill the kid he shared a room with, he'd be stabbing him in his sleep, right? So this first I wish I knew the name. So they sat him up in this house with staff, and I'm like, you gotta realize the extent that this kid right, he's violent. I was very clear, and they're like, oh yeah, we know blah blah blah, we can handle it. And they were they were unionized and

Finding A Fit With Arban

SPEAKER_02 8:55

they were regulated by community services, so they couldn't touch him in any way, and they could not force him to do anything that he wanted to do.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Oh, geez.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

So he moved in there, it was a house in Dartmouth. I mean, they had a pregnant 20-year-old girl in there with heels, and I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Jeez.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

And there was like a group a house leader, and at the end of it, I mean, he was only there a few months. At the end of it, the house was destroyed. There was holes in the walls, the front window was smashed out. He was not wasn't going to school, he hadn't taken a shower in, I don't know, a month. The the house leader said, I think he's out to get me. And I'm like, Well, he is. He is he is out to get you.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

That's how he thinks and feels.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

Uh it's not because you're paranoid, it's because it's true.

SPEAKER_03 9:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

And so they said, no, we we can't keep him. So he obviously could not come back home. So they contacted another organization called Arban, and they are totally like a private organization, like a company, like right, like, and they're they're not unionized and they don't have all these regulations. And he moved in there and he's still there. So that would have been that would have been in grade 10.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

Jeez, he's been there since grade 10. Yes. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

So he was he was he would have been 16 when he moved in there, and he's 23 now. So that's how long they've had him. And Darren, who he's still there, the like the it's all the staff is all male. And Darren, the first time Isaac, I mean, Isaac wasn't even there a day, and he was trying to duke it out with Darren, and Darren just put him on the

Stability, Work, And Ongoing Risks

SPEAKER_02 10:45

ground.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

That was good. Right?

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Um, no, that's not to say it's all been roses, and it's still there still have issues.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

But he graduated from high school. He works at Lakeside Woody Woodworkers doing recycling electronics on a couple days, and then on a couple other, like, like, so like on, I think it's Tuesday and Thursday, he does the recycling, and on Wednesdays and Fridays, he works, they got a like a doggy daycare there for little dogs, and he works there.

SPEAKER_03 11:22

That's good for him.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Yeah, so it's not perfect. He's still really depressed. Some of the messages he sends me are way far out there. I've told him that if he ever decides that he really has to kill me, just don't torture me first, you know, just get it over with. Because it's still a real fear. But if he had stayed with me and I hadn't given up, he'd probably be, I don't know where he would be.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

He would probably be in jail by now.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

In prison or dead.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

Definitely.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

Yeah. And what would prison do for like what nothing.

SPEAKER_03 11:59

It would make him worse.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

I know. Like, and he wouldn't be able to handle it.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

Like, no, he can't even sit in a room by himself alone anymore for a long period of time unless he's playing a game.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Yeah. And he's not, um, like he's not self-sufficient at all. Like he had he he I mean, I hope that someday he will be, but like day-to-day, like paying bills and and keeping a household, like I just I mean, if he had had a proper, if he had had like a proper treatment center, then maybe he could do those things now. But the care and that's available is so minimal that I'm very lucky that

School Stories And Sensory Seeking

SPEAKER_02 12:40

he has what he has. And it it took him a long time, like like uh for years. Uh he just wanted to come back home. But now that he's matured a little bit, he's realizes that he is he is fortunate that he has what he has because well, yeah, it's a beautiful house.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

I've been there, really nice staff. Yeah. Two store was it, two-story house. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's really nice, good neighborhood. It's good for him.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Yeah, and they just don't put up with the scrap.

SPEAKER_03 13:14

No, and that's what we needed. We need someone that can just say no. This that's the final answer.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Yeah.

unknown 13:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

He wasn't getting that at home because obviously he has a big hate out for his mother.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah. And he, I mean, he he when it comes to physical violence, like, I mean, I can't hit him back, right? I mean, and then, you know, he got bigger than me.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

So what how do you feel when my dad started living there?

SPEAKER_02 13:44

At first, he was because he all because Isaac slept with me for like always. And then he your dad started sleeping over, and he didn't wasn't crazy about that. But I mean, it was about time he started sleeping in his own bedroom.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Yeah. He wasn't crazy about that. And then the George thing.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

But uh other than that, like, I don't I don't recall it being like a huge big deal.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

Oh, well, that's good. That's good for him.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

I know he was he was happy when we got married.

SPEAKER_03 14:17

Oh, that's really good.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

And he calls he calls him dad.

SPEAKER_03 14:20

Well, that's good. He needed a dad in his life.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

He didn't have one from before, so he he does call him dad now. And and uh um uh Edward used to go in uh he was in the Isaac was in a bowling league with um Special Olympics.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:37

And he did really good in that. And Edward would, it was every they met every Sunday, and Edward would take him. And uh because like if he was less triggered than if I'd have been there, like if I'd have gone, it would have probably been like uh lose his mind. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:53

I always wondered why autistic kids always went after their mothers.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Say they feel safe.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

Oh, okay. Safe, but want to hurt you at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

Yeah, and he did, I mean, but he did go after anybody

Caregiver Trauma And ADHD

SPEAKER_02 15:10

in authority. I mean the whole thing. Well, the whole daycare and the school, it was always it wasn't other kids, it was always authority. I mean, he in grade 10, I think it was grade 10. He threw something, I forget what he threw, at a at a teacher, and the teacher ended up out on sick leave because they got a concussion. And on the last day of school, uh and it's funny because Isaac complained about school so much on the last day when he was leaving, like he was sad he had to, like he was sad. You and I got a video of it, like, and um they had like a little graduation for him and a couple other kids, um, so that they weren't in the big I mean, and they don't they wouldn't even got noticed in the big, you know, just the smart kids get noticed in the big graduations, you know what I mean? But yeah, he was he was pretty sad. And uh so on the way out, I got this video and he's talking, and he runs into this teacher and he's like, How's your head? Oh well, and the teacher just laughed and gave him a hug, right?

SPEAKER_03 16:13

Like, um, yeah, no empathy there.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

How's your head?

SPEAKER_03 16:21

But but now he's um, you know, he seems to be very emotionally connected with the past, like you said, because when I when I visit with him a while back, uh he just wanted to tell me how much he missed his cat.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Oh yes, the cat.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

You know, and uh he would just tell me the whole story about how it makes him upset.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Yeah, he talks about he talks about the cat a lot. The cat died of had stomach cancer. Yeah, yeah, he and I mean that was I mean, that was when me and your dad first moved in together down at Ocean Breeze there. Yeah, in the house.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

And so I that was a long time ago, and he still talks about the cat.

SPEAKER_03 17:03

Like Oh, yeah, he does.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

And he and he wants a cat, they want he, but I mean given the way he reacts, people would be a really bad idea. And he wouldn't take care of it. And like the people that run the show there, I mean, they don't want to be responsible for an animal, right?

SPEAKER_03 17:20

No, right? They can go he can come visit Bear.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Yeah, exactly. And he does love Bear and Apollo, he really does. Yeah, yeah, he does.

SPEAKER_03 17:29

But you can see how one child can affect your mental health over time. That's that's 20 years of you trying to not give up.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Yeah, and I'm and I still have what haven't given up.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

You know, I still and you're what now seeing a therapist on the daily? Just to recover from all that.

SPEAKER_02 17:49

I I definitely have a lot of like I'm in flight or flight a lot.

SPEAKER_03 17:54

You definitely have PTSD for sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

Yeah. And I mean, most of the time now we there's not too much drama. But like if he starts to bring up something that happened 20 years ago, or if I I immediately get anxious, immediately get anxious. And I would like to add, I did haven't smoked any weed in a year. It'll be a year February

Medicine, Two‑Eyed Seeing, And Balance

SPEAKER_02 18:20

20th.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Good for you.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Yeah, I got off the weed. So has my life, has it changed my life substantially? Not really, but but I'm hoping I'm hoping eventually it will.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

Gotta feel out everything on its own.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

I'm still very ADHD. I'm on meds. I'm take vibe ants.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

And so that's something new, you're going to run medication.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

Uh yeah. So I uh so I never had an official diagnosis. I mean, I had anxiety and stuff, but I started seeing a psychiatrist, or not a psychiatrist, a psychologist in 2017, I want to say. And she said, you know what? She said, You have ADHD. And I said, Yeah, think. Because I cut I knew. At that point, I knew, right? And and she said, You should you should really look into getting medicated and see if that helps your life. So I got went to a I got referred to a psychiatrist and I did get medicated. Has it changed my life substantially? Not really. It does help me focus, but it also helps me focus on things I shouldn't be focused on.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Like hyper focus on social media, hyper focus on Amazon, right?

SPEAKER_03 19:36

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Um it does help me focus on work when you know, but I'm easily distracted still. Like, like where I work from home now. If your dad comes in the room when I'm working, I just want to lose it because uh it takes so long. Like I it's instant, instantly cut, right? Like I can be focused, focus, getting all kinds of stuff done. And he comes in the room and just touches me and it's like boop, done, gone, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the same way with Kelsey. If she comes in the room when I'm doing something or playing my game, it's like, okay, leave me alone. Yeah, I'm focused.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

Yeah, like it makes it so irritating. And he doesn't understand, like he does not understand. He'll come up behind me. And it's not so bad now that I'm down in the basement. Um, but when I was in the office off the kitchen, he would come in behind me and oh, and and like put his arm around me, and I just like I'm in work mode.

SPEAKER_03 20:29

Yeah, like leave me be, let me let me make some money for our bills.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Yeah, it and it didn't. I said, no, they didn't change my life like substantially, but they did help with the focus. And uh sometimes I really want to get off them.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

Yeah, yeah, I haven't taken medication since I was 23. I'm 37 now. Yeah, I went through a lot, but I had to learn how to do it without the medication. Yeah, I didn't like who I was when I was on medication. No, I like who I am when I'm not taking anything to alternate who I am as a person. Yeah, I mean there are people that need it, but then there are people that can live and manage it through what we call the two-eyed scene lens, which is through indigenous perspectives, living a spiritual culture, like a spiritual way of life can actually help.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

A lot of things.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

A lot of things, and creating a positive mindset. As an ADHD guy, I always would create these assumptions and lies, negativity in my head that I would believe because I thought it was real. Yeah. It's not, it's the disability, so you have to like learn how to focus on it being a positive thing. So I start creating it to be my medicine when I start when I start praying.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

So now it's uh it's a lot easier. I can sit in here in the room by myself all day and I'll be perfectly fine. I'll make stupid videos of myself and laugh all day.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

That's one thing I don't have any problem being alone.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

I probably like it way too much. But but yeah, did the medication because like the medication did help in some regards, but did it change my life substantially? No,

Dopamine, Social Media, And Focus

SPEAKER_02 22:15

not really. And I did get through all sorts of education and jobs and life without it for many, many, many, many, many, many years. And also, like if I don't take it, I feel really tired. Like I don't wake up. Yeah, like I just want to sleep. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Lots of the time when I feel tired, it's it's got to do with how long I'm staying up at night. So when I realized I was too tired all the time the last couple weeks, I started going to bed right away when I come home from work. And on my days off, I try to go to bed at like a decent time, 10, 11 o'clock, instead of staying up to 3 o'clock. And then I find I get a better rest and I can get up early in the morning and I'm more productive. I can do something. But I was on a long streak there where I couldn't do nothing. I'd wake up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and be like, well, my whole day's done. Alright, what the hell am I gonna do now? Right? Like it's I wanted to be up early so I can do stuff, right? And and that's really a big part of the disability. It's learning how to find the balance. And then it's an all-the-time thing, though. It's like you can't you gotta learn not to beat yourself up for you know, because you laid all day in bed. Sometimes we need days to just lay all day in bed. It's good for you. But the lifestyle it came from was you gotta be always doing something because you're trying to avoid something, right? So now I'm just like, no, I'm gonna sit here and just do something.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

Yeah. Yeah. The ability to just sit in and do nothing.

SPEAKER_03 23:51

Yeah. It's a big achievement if you can really get to it.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:55

Especially as a person with ADHD.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like it's like you always need some sort of stimulation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:03

When when I'm at work, you'll see me. I I go side to side because I can't sit still. So I'll just I'll just rock. And people be talking to me and I'm still rocking.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Yeah. Isaac is um a real sensory seeker. Like like some kids with autism sent like they have sensory issues, like where they if things bother them, like noise bothers them.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

Yeah, well, and I Isaac the same way.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

Isaac is the total opposite. So like he listens to like this screaming and music about eating your children and corpse. Oh, it's even worse than that. Like it's so bad. And like he doesn't he he doesn't wear a jacket, like it can be minus 20, and he'll go out with shorts and teach it. And his skin will be red. Um, but it's like he likes it. It's like he and and I think I think sometimes too that maybe that's why he acted up so much because the drama was it's it's like a dopamine. Yeah, he got something out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

Like when I have like just conversations to people at work, I get right excited. And like 30 minutes in conversation, they end it and go inside, and I'm like, huh. You know, the dopamine rush was there. Come back here. You know, so yeah, I get it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

Yeah. I I I think that's why I I um social media is such a problem for me. Like getting sucked into that. Yeah. I'm really trying to give that up.

SPEAKER_03 25:43

But tell us about

Dogs, Nature, And Healing Routines

SPEAKER_03 25:45

your future goals.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

Future goals? Okay. Well, that's a good question. Um so I have currently I have two dogs, Bear and Apollo, that consume my life. I love taking them out hiking in the woods. And I love it. I mean, they love it, I love it. It's just like it's so nothing matters. Nothing matters. So I'm definitely always gonna be a dog owner moving forward. I intend to stay at my current job and till the end. I have a good pension, and I mean, there's no reason for me to leave. I get to work from home, although they are talking about it bringing us back to the office. But if that happens so well. Yeah, I I have a grandson now, and I hope to get to spend time with him in the future. And like I kind of I I have like I'm the type of person that always likes to be learning. So now that things have kind of our level and no, there's there's no drama with Isaac, and um, me and your dad get along, like we don't have any any, we don't really don't have any issues. Like uh I mean I just accept him now the way he is, and he accepts me, and that's just the way it is, you know. Yeah, does he irritate me, piss me off sometimes? Yeah, but but I don't let it ruin the day, right? Like right, like I I just get over it because life's just way too short. And you know, he's gonna be 60 this year, and I'm gonna, you know, he doesn't want some woman nagging at him to change.

SPEAKER_03 27:42

So exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

And I mean that there's really nothing about him I would change. I like him the way he is.

SPEAKER_03 27:50

Me too. Uh it took him a long time to realize that.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

You know, so I really like my father the way he is. He reminds me of my grandparents.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

And yeah, he's just like your dad. Or his his dad.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

He's just like Grampy.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

Yeah. He's just like him.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Not serious in any moment. Not in any moment.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

Even when you need him

Marriage, Family, And Support

SPEAKER_02 28:10

to be.

SPEAKER_03 28:10

Yeah, even when you need him to be, he just doesn't know how to not be serious. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

And I I think it's probably like his coping mechanism, you know.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

Yeah. You know, not that I want to diagnose your dad, but I, you know, I think he's probably ADHD.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Oh, he definitely has ADHD. There's a reason for why I have it. So and my mother is too, so it was bound to happen. Bound to happen. Also, about this love story. I mean, tw what was it, 25 years ago you guys were together in Digby. Yeah. He left. Twenty-five years later, they meet when Isaac was eight years old, and then they get married.

SPEAKER_02 28:49

Well, that's not true. We actually, so that's not true. When I moved to Dartmouth, back to Dartmouth from Moncton, he moved to Dart back to Dartmouth. From New Brunswick.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

From New Brunswick. Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

He had left. What's her face? I don't remember. Suzette. Yes. And he called my mom. He called my parents asking about me. And we we had there was like so I had written him a letter at one point and sent it to your grandmother, just apologizing for being such an asshole. And I talked to him on the phone then. And then at some point in Monk, when I was in Moncton, he called my mom and she gave him my number or my work number. I think she gave him my work number because he called me at work. And then so we talked a little bit and met at Tim Hortons for coffee because he lived in wherever it was.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Frederickton.

SPEAKER_02 29:57

Fredericton. And so not even a couple two days later, his wife at the time called me at work, wanting to know what I was doing at Tim Hortons with network.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

Um so yeah, so then uh so then we we connected and we were friends, and he wanted at that time in 2003 when Isaac was an infant, he he wanted to start something then, yeah. Um, but I was in no state. Like I was I was broken. And I wouldn't, I just wouldn't have been any good to him. So that's fine. So we did see that so in the meantime, he gets with with his girlfriend that Donna, and they were together, I think, like six years or something.

SPEAKER_03 30:45

And he wouldn't move.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

Yeah. And so one day I was and we kept in contact through text. Like every couple weeks, we'd shoot a couple texts back and forth, and and he would come and bring me coffee like once every it wasn't often. It wasn't very often. And then one day we were texting and I was thinking about him, and he came over, and a week later he dumped Donna and the rest of his history. I remember

Cold Plunges And Swimming Goals

SPEAKER_02 31:20

that. The rest is history.

SPEAKER_03 31:21

He embarrassed her in front of everybody. Uh I remember it because he made my aunt break up their relationship. What? In front of my in front of his parents. So that's why she didn't like him too too much after that, and they never they never be stayed friends.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

He didn't tell me that.

SPEAKER_03 31:40

Yeah. Julie told me it.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

With Donna?

SPEAKER_03 31:42

Yeah. He didn't know how to break up with her, so he asked my my aunt if he would if she would help help him break up with Donna.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Which aunt? Julie.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

Julie, yeah. In front of my grandparents.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

So the parent, like they were on.

SPEAKER_03 31:59

They were having a good get together, and then that's when dad decided to do it. Yeah. Donna also mentioned it to me too. I used to talk to Donna all the time. I think I still do once in a while.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

I didn't know that. No, he never told me that.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

Yeah, he probably wouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

Because he told me that he hasn't seen her since so we were messing, we were messing around before they broke up.

SPEAKER_03 32:26

Yeah, guaranteed.

SPEAKER_02 32:27

And he he went to her house to trade vehicles because he put a set a stereo in her car for Christmas. Oh, nice. And he actually picked me up the store in her car.

SPEAKER_03 32:41

Jeez. So this is where I get it from.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

He told he told me that that was the last time he saw her.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

Yeah. He painted a good picture.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

Yeah. Oh well. Yeah, I'll I'll forgive him.

SPEAKER_03 33:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

But yeah. Oh, and I was vicious. Like they were still, they were still texting a little bit after after we got together. And one day I called her and I was so vicious. Like the stuff I said to her.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

I was vicious.

SPEAKER_03 33:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

But that's past. It is what it is. It is what it is. My father got to have his true love again. And I'm happy for it. It was a good wedding when I went.

SPEAKER_02 33:35

She was a crazy bitch. I probably still am a crazy bitch, but then I've yeah. Like I was, you you stopped texting my Edward. She's like, he asked me. And I'm like, nope, no, he does not. He does not.

SPEAKER_03 33:51

Yeah. My good old dad.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

Yeah. And uh people have said to me, Well, you cheated on her. Don't you think she's gonna cheat on you? No.

SPEAKER_03 34:01

No.

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Not you'd be stupid too. Not even for a second. Not even for the second. Not even for a second. So anyway. So yeah. So that's oh, and like future, I

Advice For Parents And Boundaries

SPEAKER_02 34:15

oh, I want to start cold plunging and I want to like break a hole in the ice and dump in the jump in the water.

SPEAKER_03 34:20

It's good for your nervous system.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

Yeah, I got I got like neoprene gloves and feet so they don't burn my feet. Because your hands and your feet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just need to wait for a day that your dad isn't working because I don't want to do it alone. Yeah. In case I have a heart attack or something.

SPEAKER_03 34:35

Yeah. I I've done them. I've gone to the night spa over in Chester. Oh, yeah. And you I sat in the coldest tub they had. It was like minus one.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

It was cold.

SPEAKER_02 34:45

Cold, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:46

I didn't stay in there too long.

SPEAKER_02 34:48

Yeah. That's the temperature of the ocean right now. Like out at Rainbow Haven.

SPEAKER_03 34:52

Oh, geez, minus one. I mean, I would do it with you sometime in the future. I normally go to the gym now and I do like steam room and then I'll go in a cold shower and then I'll go back to the steam room and just do that back and forth.

SPEAKER_02 35:07

Something else I'm doing now is I've I've always been able to swim, but like not correct, you know? Like I float and move my arms and legs and I move, you know, and I lay on my back and you know, I can swim underwater. But I want to I want to like do open water swimming where like you swim distance.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

And you need to know how to swim properly to do that. So I've I've been doing laying swimming at the Canada Games Center.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

Oh nice.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

And like the next uh session, I'm gonna take adult swimming lessons and like learn how to do like uh actual proper strokes.

SPEAKER_03 35:45

Jeez, yeah, she let me know if I'm not doing anything, I'll come with you and I'll sit in the hot tub.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

Oh, yeah, the hot tub is there is nice. And that um I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's not chlorine, it's salt water. Like yeah, like the pool at the commons, and it's so much better.

SPEAKER_03 36:00

That is so much better. It's so much chlorine in your eyes.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

Oh, it's just so much better. Yeah, and I like Ebert is like, why don't you just go to the sportsplex through the coal harbor center? It's closer. And it's cheaper. It's chlorine, that's why.

SPEAKER_03 36:15

Yeah, exactly. And there's no cool water slides like at the Canada game.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 36:24

I can't do the steep, the steep one, but I can do the one that goes outside and comes into the building. It's all dark inside of it.

SPEAKER_02 36:33

I love the water slides at Magic Mountain.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

So, what two words would or what would be some good advice you would have for other mother mothers out there in the world that could be going through the same thing that you've already gone through? What would be some good advice to give them?

SPEAKER_02 36:51

Don't give, like, don't if if people say they can't, like if you need a service or need assistance or don't give up until they give it to you. And don't saddle. Like, don't date men that abuse you and your children. Like I know that sometimes when you're in it, it feels like the world is ending, but the world is not ending, and nobody nobody deserves it. Even if you might think you do. And get an education.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:31

Get educated. Even even if it's even if it's to just to learn a skill or to learn how to knit or or whatever, play the piano, or like you know, using your brain and getting knowledge, it just makes life way more fulfilling.

SPEAKER_03 37:53

Yeah. Make it a little bit easier.

SPEAKER_02 37:55

Yeah. And when it comes to kids with special needs that are beyond what you can provide, don't let the system jerk you around.

SPEAKER_03 38:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

And just demand your ground. Sand your ground. And don't just be like, oh, nobody's nobody will help, and blah blah blah. Just just don't give up because they can do something. It might not be ideal, it might not be exactly what the child needs, but they can do something.

SPEAKER_03 38:24

Definitely.

SPEAKER_02 38:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:26

Well, I really appreciate you coming on to the podcast and sharing your story

Closing And Publishing Details

SPEAKER_03 38:32

and your story about your autistic son and and where your future goals are going. So I hope you have a great day. Thanks for being on our the Big Bears podcast.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

Thank you for having me, Chad.

SPEAKER_03 38:46

You're welcome.

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 38:52

Thank you for listening to the Big Bears Podcast, a two eyed seeing approach to neurodiversity. We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast. Tune in every second Tuesday at 7 a.m. Atlantic time for a new episode.