We Fixed EVERY Sport 🤽 Officially Unofficially #29

Football, american football, cricket and basketball are SO old-fashioned. 

So we put our minds together and made some OBJECTIVELY CLEAR improvements for them all! 

We also discuss hide-and-seek, broken thumbs, and Stumpy's crazy stag-do where he had a sip of alcohol the mad lad.

Leave 5* and post a comment - we read them all <3 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

On OU number twenty-nine, we're gonna be fixing every sport, Stumpy Goblin. Starting with football. Because there's a lot to fix about this shit, isn't there? I think because we know every sport, it only comes it's uh it's only fair to come to us the council. So we are fixing football today. Uh yeah, there's a lot of bullshit to football. It's like, I love football. You love football now. You're a you're a newer football convert, but I would say that I've always loved football, but I've not always uh watched it. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah, I get what you mean. It's always been something in the background to you, whereas now. I've always enjoyed the concept of football, but I've never had anything to do with it, essentially. What I'd say is it is quite boring. It can be. It's a really fucking boring sport. Like every sport and its boring bit, the the bulk of every single sport is boring. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I was about to say? I thought immediately, okay, what's like a really quick, frantic sport? F1. That's fucking boring for most of it. So you basically, yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, I was about to disagree with F1, and that would have been the worst example. Because that is so boring for such a large chunk of that sport. It's them just sort of driving and not really doing much. Okay, so let's let's stick with football for now. Uh what's the most boring thing about football? It's when they pass it about for 15 minutes, right? With with no incision. I guess like my which is what Liverpool are doing this season. Can I just have a quick little rant? Uh-huh. Very quick, it'll be like brilliant 30 words or so. Fucking big sesco, sesco extra, sesco metro, from fucking shitty The Big Sesco. Big Sesco, yeah, yeah. From Manu, he scored a fucking hand ball, literally hit his hand, went in the net. I've been fuming like this in our Discord, and I feel so correct that since ultimate camera angles have come out, he ended up scoring it. Last time his hand, his hand bends backwards, still counted. United won. Fuming. It's tough at the top. Meanwhile, it's which got promoted, so in second, so good enough. Literally, yeah. Yeah, I didn't say it's an insult. I don't know why he took it as that. Seemed a bit insultingly. It seemed a little bit, you know, like there were barbs behind those pearly whites. Yeah, well, tell you what. It's like uh yeah. Uh Coventry are. Is it Coventry number one? Yeah. Okay, Coventry are officially unofficially the best team in the championship, and that is also the name of this podcast. That was very nice, that was very nice, that was very nice. I think that yeah. I think that like you shouldn't be able to pass the ball as much as you do. Maybe it should be like you have to score within ten passes, I think would improve the game. Ten? Well an unbelievably low number of passes. Did you ever do that when you were young, like uh when you played at school, where that was when you had to do at least three passes, right? I remember them like doing that in PE, and they're like basically to stop a really good kid from just like scrolling down the pitch and just scoring. I guess probably me in net. And I was just like, can we not? I'm I'm bored because I don't really want to be here. I think that uh it's American football, which we'll get to later, which we god we know how to play that, um, where they have a certain number of attempts to get like 20 yards, and then if they don't do it in that time, then they are then um uh the the the the position then turns over to then the other side. Maybe we like as you work up the pitch, so the pitch, instead of being in two halves, the pitch is now split into sixes, so it's three, so it's then thirded each half. You'd split football's pitch. Alright, I'd split the pitch. Okay. Once you enter a a sixth, a slice of your destroy-style pizza, you can't go back. You can't go back. You can't go back. Maybe that's one of them. Ooh, interesting. Unless you gotta like, it's got to touch an opponent, so you have to like bop it off them. And then that's fun. Or a header, which would be really funny, because then if the ball's in the floor, you can have Van Dyke do the little worm, try and nudge it backwards, like back across the line. Yeah, okay. That sounds good to me. It's six too many. Uh I mean, we're we're just the council. We we feed the ideas, and then it's the nerds, it's the statos, so the boffins. Split the pitch into X segments, okay, and you may not pass back Wentz. I'd like Wentz to be in there. Okay. I'd like I don't know if it makes sense, the Wentz. No, no, no, that's that's fine. The Wentz is good. Okay, thank you. No passing back. No passing back. This is really gonna be really fun to put into about eight words. No passing back whence whence a segment has been went. Wentzed. Okay. Usurped? Does that work? Let's let's find out. Yeah. Let's find out. Yeah, usurped. Alright, perfect, yeah. Okay, I I number two might be a bit more simple. Fix corners. Corners are shit. Yeah, that's fair. I don't think they always were, but they're they're broken. The fact that in in any football fan can attest that a corner is about 30 seconds of players like pulling each other's pants down and then going, Oh, sir, he pulled my pants down, my wheelie's out. My wheelie's out, my wheelie's out!

SPEAKER_02 5:19

No, don't, it doesn't matter that his wheelie's out too, my wheelie's out.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

It's unfair for every team. It annoys me with Ipswich, it annoys me with England, all of them. It all they also crowd the keeper so much, and then the keeper's shoving them, and then you just see the defenders like laughing or the attackers laughing. And then someone falls over. That one was too hard. Yeah, uh yeah, okay, fixed corners. So, any silly business, any funny business, um I reckon we then just we we opposite the corner. We don't just say, Oh now it's a goal kick. Everyone has to go down the other end of the pitch and then do the other team's corner. But then it would just be bouncing back and forth between corners, which is Arsenal's dream, am I right? Oi oi. Okay, that's true. I think for corners, three players from each team in the box. Genuinely. You know what a penalty everyone's crowded around box waiting to sprint in. I think three from each team, you nominate your champions, so Liverpool would have like, you know, Van Dyke. He'd be both sides, he'd be one of the three because he's gonna be able to do it. Van Dyke, Ekati K, and like Isak if he's not fucking injured again, if he's not torn his knob off or whatever he did in training. It's too many corners, they keep yanking it. So many corners. Everyone's there in training. Frimp the shrimp is on his knob, go pulling it off. Bloody Frimp the Shrimp. Okay, yeah, I like that. So three players per team, excluding keeper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So three plus keeper. Yeah. At corners, three players from each team, plus keeper. Plus keeper. Yeah. Allowed in the box.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Yeah, yeah. Is that is that implicit for the sake of the key?

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Keeper that's implied. Because that to me is it then, you know, like American football where they send off one team and then bring on another team to kick it or something. Okay, okay. So we've got no passing back when the segment has been usurped. We've got we've got at corners, three players from each team in box plus keeper. Now that's what I genuinely, right now, I would I would sign that off. Okay. Truly. That's second rule. Well, they're they're changing a couple of things, aren't they? I do like the introduction of uh when a uh goal kick is taking too long, it's like seven seconds or something. They then like count it down. I like that. As a side point, I'd like for it to be a bit more stringent. I'd like for it to be a little bit more like okay, I'm I'm literally starting a stopwatch. I'm going bang, looking, hits five, bang, right, you fucked it. Um I don't know. Big sesco. He's taking the goal kick. Not Pickford. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Pickford. Okay. Um so I like that. That's good. I like the no fucking about. An American rule that maybe they would like for us to introduce and for at least us to uh suggest. Americans during the World Cup when they think they can fix everything. The audacity, by the way, to think that just because you know of something that you can just fix it is ridiculous. I can't do that. Yeah, exactly. Like only people who are voted into the council by voting themselves deciding they're gonna do it on that day and who know every sport. Like we downloaded all of it. We definitely know the rules of your water polos, for example, have any right to wade in, pun not intended. See, we're making jokes now, uh, about about these issues. Yeah. Um so that's pathetic of them, first of all. But they would say when the ball goes out and there is a dead ball situation, pause the clock. And then extra time then is exactly to the minute. Four minutes added, cool, you now go to 90 plus four. It's been mooted. It's been mooted um 80-minute matches, or I believe, I think 40 minutes each way, with a stop clock, such as your rugby's. So that that conversation's been floated. Also, some rules that have been floated. Um orange cards, you heard of the call for orange cards? It's like a sinbin. Yes, for a and I hate them, tactical foul. I yes, I think that's fair. Earlier, again, in that match at Liverpool United, uh, somebody was like fucking running away. Curtis Jones just grabs his arm, just pulls him over. Oh, and it's like and then he just he just runs away and goes, yeah, that's a yellow. I don't hate that. I don't like that. I also agree. I think that is cheap. I think that cheapens the game. Yep. Uh offsides are always a contentious point about like, oh, his fingernail was off, his pulled cock from the corner was off because it was still yanked off him, dangling, you know. That's true. Tear Isat's cock off and throw it in front of him, then suddenly he's offside. He's offside, his knob's offside. Um, I yeah, I feel like offsides are like relatively fixed in terms of you can't be offside in your own half. That's good. I like that. That's a fun one because you can just fucking send it, right? That's good. Um yeah, I wouldn't hate the offside being changed. But then what what what are the suggestions to change an offside? Uh Wenger's rule, I believe, uh, as in Arsen Wenger, is that if any of you is onside, you're on side. You are onside. I believe is what he's saying. Much like the ball being over the line. Yes. It has to be fully offside for it to be fully offside. I think that it might be something slightly different, but he suggested something along those lines. That then just changes the tolerances, though. The issue is with how close the tolerances are. The tolerance is it doesn't matter if they are 0% of you can be offside or 99% of you can be offside. It's still the tolerances. Maybe can we just say higher definition VAR cameras? Can we just say because I thought they're on about 480p. They're fucking shit. And you see them zoom in on like a pixel of Asac. So HD VAR cameras, but then that would imply that we're keeping VAR. Do you know what I mean? Which is already controversial in its own right. I think we need something way out there though. All of this stuff has been discussed. Orange cards have been discussed, Venga's rule has been discussed. Bigger goals, are the goals too small nowadays? To be fair, do you remember the advert with added time multi-ball? No, I don't. It was for Budweiser. Basically, yeah. It was it was um uh we it was like over the American acts. It was like, we don't know much about soccer, but we heard that Middlesbrough Red and White Sox are facing off against the black and white magpies this weekend. And then it was like, we'd like to suggest some different rules, such as, and they had three funny ones. They basically fucking this. Turns out I've absolutely ripped this segment off the Budweiser advert from uh 1997. So cheers guys. Cheers, Budweiser. Uh but their third one was it your way. Their third one was uh added time multiball. Instead of a nil-nil draw, suddenly 15 balls would pop out and all that gold, the score's going up. And what one every like five minutes they add it in like a half an hour bit. It was like pinball when eight came out. And the balls are spying everywhere, and then it cut to like the scoreboard going one-nil, one nil, one, two, two, three, four, five, two, five. Fuck it. I'm in. Added time multiball. I would add cannons behind uh the goals, so then they are can they add on uh a ball cannon per corner? As soon as then you go into this added time, all four cannons go bang. Nah, and then a ball from each corner shoots up onto the pitch, and then they land in all the different areas. That'd be great. That'd be so good as well. Do you remember have you ever done the uh arcades, the Pac-Man um air hockey? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and it's got a little slidey thing on the side, and then it goes a lot of pucks come in, and you're just fucking dangerous, by the way, because they go everywhere. Every time I've ever done that, they have flown up, like hitting, like they fly away, they're hitting random strange little swords and mini puck back. Yeah, fuck them. So we need that with football. So we have got how to fix football. Uh, no passing back once a segment has been usurped. Yeah, watch the full episode to understand if you're watching this on a short. At corners, three players from each team in the box and the keeper. Yep. Lovely, perfect, perfect, perfect change. And thank you, Budweiser, added time multi-ball. Plus, cannons. Cannons to shoot the balls out. Football's fixed! People love this. I think we've made it better. I think we've made it much better. For a US audience, us putting four guns in a football pitch is gonna make them feel more at home this World Cup. That sounds good to me. Uh, what's the sport that you've got in mind that we can fix next? We've got some down, uh, but we can also sort of come up with some different ones. We've got cricket in here, we've got rugby, darts, basketball. I think let's just go straight on. Immediately international, American football. How do we fix American football? So, Cole, for anyone who doesn't know, um, just explain to me how American football works. Oh, I have watched it once and I quite enjoyed it. You've got a number of attempts. Now you're gonna be you're I know that's the thing I've got to want to be. No googles. I saw your hand move to your mouth! No googling, Google. No, uh No, I'm not, I'm not. I'm just I'm just going in the old memory palace. Go in the memory palace. No, you can't call your phone the memory palace. I do call it that, okay? And it is. Okay, so you've got a certain amount of attempts to get the ball a certain amount of things. Let's say three. Let's say three. Three feels good. It feels right, doesn't it? If we were to make American football, it'll be three. You got three attempts that get a hate. I'm so sorry to any American football. Oh, we're not even fucking around. Because nobody cares about your sport apart from you. So, yeah. You got three attempts to get the ball a certain amount forward. Let's say 25 yards. I think it's 20, but let's say 25. No, no, if you think it's 20, we'll go 20. We'll go 20. So it's not that confident. Three attempts to get it forward 20 yards. Okay. And if you don't do that, uh you go RGG's, you fail. Yeah. Yeah, and then the possession is then turned over to the other team who then have their own three attempts, then move it 20 yards. And as soon as as soon as the ball is like caught, or if it has been controlled by a team, naturally the game stops entirely, and then they fully reset again, which is good for momentum. I think that is hinting at what one of our fixes is gonna be. A little bit less stop starty, but we'll we'll we'll get to that. Um and then you can also kick it through the H for one. Yeah. Should we say Yeah, it's more of a Y, isn't it? Because an H is like rugby. Y to get the point. Very good. But as it's more of a Y letter. That's Bam, bam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it is. It is, yeah. It's like a square Y, a square. Yeah, something like that. Uh and but you can get it also, you touch it down, and that's suddenly four points. Five? Oh, that's rugby. Rugby's five and two. Shit. That's five and two. I was saying, but it's five for a try. A kick down, throw down, holdown, touchdown, touchdown! Jesus Christ. A touchdown, throw down, hoe down. Okay, so it's a game where you want to get the the ball over 20 yards for three attempts, and if you fuck it up, it gets turned over, and then they get a go. That's basically it. And then they switch teams entirely at some point to then have an attacking team and a defensive team? Yeah, so that's my first fix. I think get rid of that system. It should be the same as 15.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Is it 15?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Maybe. Let's say 15. Let's write that explicitly in our rules. You have to stick with the same 15 players. Same 15 players throughout plus subs. Let's let's be realistic. No, plus subs, yeah, yeah. Um, because it is fucking mental that you've got somebody, as the old famous ninja tweet goes, you know the ninja tweet? Oh yeah. Yeah, why don't they just simply kick it through? Which I agree with. Your one job is to kick it through the fucking why. That's your only thing of the entire game. Do that. You don't you you could be limbless but for legs, and you would be able to do that job. That's limb- Yeah, no, true. Okay, yeah, yeah, no, that's fair. That's fair. Until you get dump tackled by 58 uh 25 stone men. These come. Right after you kick it. That's true, haha, you can't get me on the green stuff deaf guy. I have read that American football is solvable if the first time a team just kicks it instead of even worrying about the throwing and the running and the quarterbacking. When a team just says, look, Gareth Bale, you're retired now from football, you're really good at kicking. Yeah, very good. We're gonna bring you in to our uh New York Giants or whatever, we just get get get get it Bale, get him to kick it through. And apparently, like American football could be solved and broken if someone just focused on that. Well, just because it's uh you just go one, one, one, one, one, one, one, and like how long, this is Googlable, how long is an American football field? I I'm Googling right now what is the average distance of an NFL field goal? So that's the kick. God, you worded that well. Is that how you worded it? That is precisely how I worded it, yeah. Let's get that. That's how you Google, motherfuckers. People are losing the ability to Google. Yeah, that's true. That's another complaint. Okay, so that's 40 yards. What is how far is it to the halfway line? That's that's a free kick into the the top corner. It's like 25 yards of the long free kick. 40 yard shots have happened. Okay, it is uh 50 to 65 yards is to the halfway line.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

Just to the halfway line. That's a that's a little dink for a goalkeeper.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

And a goalkeeper regularly clears it by about another 20 yards. They are 40 yards! And then they need to keep it somewhat elevated. Hang on. How high is a field goal? Oh my god, mate. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm getting goosebumps because I'm already seeing the short. I'm already seeing the short of you with all the little maths going around your head, like in the hangover. Oh my god. It's 10 feet. So a field guard is 10 foot high, so three metres. Yep. Um that is mental because bear in mind that then when players get the ball on their heads off the halfway line, the keepers already kicked it about 70 yards or so. Yeah, 60, 70 yards, and then the players are jumping to head it, so they're probably about eight feet in the air at that point. Yeah, okay. Ronaldo like 10. Why is the NFL not hiring retired goalkeepers just to do their field goals? Maybe that's fixed too. Maybe it's hire retired goalkeepers for field goals. That's fucking embarrassing. That's uh we're not here to shit on American sports, but fucking hell America. Okay, so like that. Okay, that's the fix. Hire retired keepers for field goals. It doesn't have end to end boy, one nil, one, two, one. You can do it. That's brilliant. That's absolutely fine. Because you okay, and then now the fucking, you know, uh black bears win because they hired Ben Foster. Not the Minnesotan black bears hire Ben Foster, who now has got the easiest fucking gig of his life. Getting paid about twice as much as he ever did. And then but he has to have to get half as far. He rocks up in full helmet as Ben Foster. He's making his YouTube videos going, hi guys, about to score a goal for the Minnesotan black bears. Or sorry in his helmet, and then he just does it. And he goes And just does it, and then goes, Ross 30 million. One nil. Mind to take, says says Joe Hart on the other side. Good fix. Ben Foster has Joe Hart in a kickoff. What a dream. Oh my god, the biggest American football uh showdown ever. Man. Okay, so the third fix. So what's that other gripe? There's a lot of advertising. There's a lot of advertising, then is um well let's go through them before we before we settle on all that just so they're in my mind. So there's a lot of um advertising. There's uh oh, I've lost it now.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

There's lots of breaks. Is that your thought? Like there's not much momentum? Uh that wasn't gonna be a lot of things. Too much padding? There's a lot of padding. Yeah, there is a lot of padding. I think what I was also saying is quite cool. Franchising. Franchising, that's what it was gonna be. Oh, go on. No relegation. Yeah, no relegation, no promotion. I think there's like you play in like America North and America South and West and the City. There's conferences, yeah. But you cannot, you cannot get relegated from a conference. Conferences are entirely geographically locked in. They're just locked forever. If you are in fucking New York or whatever, if you're the New York Blackbears, then you are not leaving the uh Pacific Northeast or the Atlantic Northeast Conference, because geographically that's where New York is. So maybe then uh we add uh just a big division with relegation. Or we mix it up, so like the New York lot, let's just shove them in the fucking in the Fort Worth League. America's really big. And it's a fair point that I do think that they say the amount of time it would take if LA had to play New York and then they then had to then come back and then play fucking uh San Diego's uh Black Bears or whatever, it makes sense that I get that I get that because you're not gonna necessarily have uh. Every single week on week of Champions League in in Europe, comparable sizes, you're not having Roma play Hull at various points. They will they tried. They will, and then they'll change it. You think the Super League? Yeah, they tried of the Super League. And that sort of got shot down. But that would have been infrastructure. Because of many reasons, but because of that reason as one of them. Okay, to me, and this this goes for all American sports, the the biggest negative of the size of America. This is a serious point. Making a lot of jokes today. We're sort of playing the idiots that don't know, but this is the serious thing that I think is lacking is away fan culture. Every American sport lacks 10% of the people in that stadium rooting against the home team and going, way down, going down, going down when the bloody home team leaves. But they can't, but they can't go down. That's another issue. Finishing bottom and still be there next season on the bottom. You can still buy them all. There's no room for the draft to balance it out over many seasons. Isn't there a team that Oh, the draft is insane? You don't like the draft. Oh, I like the draft. I like the draft. It's mental that they all just get the they just get to pick. What the fuck? No, the the the the teams, the franchises, they just like you say, if you finish bottom or whatever, you get to just sort of have like a top pick. It's sort of like a great equalizer. It is. But there's also it's a bit weird. It's a bit weird parading round men in their pants at an auction of sorts. I mean you can say about any sport. You can say it's a bit weird that all men in pants. I'm touching on uh uh historical Oh oh I see historical auctions for for human beings, yeah. Of which many of their uh ancestors may well be competing in the NFL. Yeah. It's a weird vibe. I I know that it's weird, it's weird. I think you read that one in Woke Weekly, mate. I mean, even in the UK, we've got like, oh, I was bought for seven million pounds because I'm a footballer. I mean, oh I was bought for 50 quid because I play water polo. It's more like the the NFL, what's it called, the combine. You know, the NFL Combine, like the technical. So it's like they do the NFL Combine every year, and they have my issue is not with men in pants. Okay, exactly. As I've always said, um, in my lavender marriage. Well, good. Uh uh for any audio listeners, go fuck yourselves. And also, Cole has his willy out in his pants. Yeah, um spoken through the little slit. Um uh they they then do all of the testing and they say, This guy ran 25 yards in this amount of time. He can then also bench this amount. He can his uh what's it vertical is this? Yeah, yeah, that's the combine, it's getting all their benchmarks.

SPEAKER_02 24:55

This is cool.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

I think this is cool. I think all of that is fun as well, because I'm gonna translate that because I don't care about American football ultimately, but I'm gonna translate that into what I do care about, into into football. Do you know what I mean? And if I'm seeing this up-and-coming kid, he's 17, he's a wonder kid from Roma, and he's going to the Premier League, and it's a feeding frenzy, they all want him, right? Yeah. And we get to look at this kid, you know, he loves it. He's he's you know, no one gets to that point without being genuinely dedicated in their own mind. Yeah, yeah. You can force a kid to train, but they won't actually be that good unless they it's in them, right? Yeah. And my I I I believe that firmly. So he's there and he's benching and he's jumping and he's tall, and you get to really see that physic. It would make me feel like I'm a Roman in the crowd looking at these like slaves being chased by lions. Oh god. We would skirt around the S-word. But Roman ones. Roman wives. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So it was sort of more fun back then with with like lions and stuff like that. Like gladiator, Russell D. You've convinced me. More slaves in the NFL. You've convinced me. I think that was fine. No, why I would say I don't have an issue with that. I think it's quite interesting, and I think it'd be cool to see those benchmarks. I think that in conjunction with the auction at the end, is interesting. Because I don't think that they don't buy them off anyone, because they're also getting all these kids out of college, right? They're fired out of college, barely legal, coming out of college, and then being bought for like$15 million from the college? I've I've got no idea. It's like a signing bonus? I really don't think. I mean they they get played plenty in the colleges as well. Should we just get rid of collegiate? That could be our fix. Just just ditch the collegiate. Well, make collegiate the main thing. So it's all collegiate. That's all we're cool. Coin flip. We coin flip either it's only the NFL or it's only collegiate. That feels fair. Can I offer one more time for the the the away crowds thing? Because I would I would happily put this in all of these for America. Have teams have to fly over X number of thousand of their best fans to be in the away ultrasound. Non-stabby ultras. So they then they then sit in the stands going, I believe that we will win. I believe that we will win. Which is maybe the weakest and most pathetic uh uh chant and dedication to a chant error. It's like, I believe that we will win. It's not like I think we will win. It's like, well, you would think you're going to you know you just think that. You know, Bob the Builder, it's very much yes we can. You know, there's the little um like cement spinner that's like yeah, yeah, I think so. Oh and his whole thing is that he's a weedy little wet cement spinner. Yeah. That's what that chart is. If he couldn't, I believe that we will win. I think we can. And then Bob's there with a fucking flare, stabbing an opposition, you know, bad bear fan. Um okay, let's go with four fixes then for American football. It's that broken, we need four fixes. So basically a bonus. Okay, I'll do bonus 10% of all crowds must be away fans. Okay. And then I'm gonna coin flip whether all of those for away. Whether it's only collegiate and then that becomes the main sport. Okay. Or it's only the NFL and then that stays the main sport, and then there's no collegiate. So heads will give that to the NFL, because they're currently on top, they're the head, right? Okay. So heads, NFL. I haven't seen it. Ooh. What is it? Spig Ed. Okay, NFL stays, collegiate. NFL, then a collegiate football is dead. I'm sorry. Collegiate dies. So talk us through how to fix American football. Same, 15 players throughout the game. None of this switching nonsense, plus the subs. You've only got one team. Yeah. Uh hire retired goalkeepers for field goals. You because it would just be easy for them. It's a win con. Yeah, that's that's not so much from us how to fix the sport as how to win how to fix that. How to win the NFL is hire Ben Foster to kick your field goals. And Collegiate Football is dead. We flipped a coin, it died. It's only the NFL now. And then a bonus one because it was so broken. 10% of all crowds must be away fans. I think that's brilliant. I think we've bloody done it, mate. I think we've bloody done it. Let's go on to a very English one. Can we go into either cricket or rugby? I'd like to do cricket, because I'd like to hear your thoughts on cricket. Because I can talk you through it. I actually know cricket. And you actually want to talk me through it. I'd rather you didn't and I just flounder, if I'm being honest. Okay, that's like, yeah, no, I'm not when I say that, I'm not gonna sit you down and go, right, step one is this happening. So you need to get 30 overs and Monty Panason hit it for six. Good knowledge of Monte. Yeah, no, I'm not so knowledgeable about the other players anymore. There's one guy at the moment. It's probably there's it sounds like a cricketer, Ben White. There's one guy at the moment whose surname is Tongue. And I'm he's called like Jeremy Tongue or something. Oh, big Jezz a T Dog. That's correct. And I watched I'm glad I didn't see Cricket. Uh he does Tongue, I'm sure. He does good for him. Um and I hadn't seen cricket in in years, right? And then last time the Ashes was on, thanks. Last time the Ash was on, which is England v. Australia, uh, and I had Sky go, and I was like, oh, I'll have that on in the background while I'm doing some stuff, right? And I really enjoy it. I enjoy having cricket in the background a lot. Uh but England were getting no, it was England of India, sorry, not England. It wasn't the Ashes, it was like a warm-up for it. So England of India. And England was sort of doing alright, and then Big Tongue came on, and his first like five bowls, they were like wild, they were wide. So if you're aiming for between here and here, tongue he was he was like tongue in air over here. Like that's like a foot wide every time. A complete wild card, right? And everyone's going, oh my god. Then the next one, he absolutely nails the stumps, hundred million miles per hour, just a dream bowl. And I thought, tonguey, my man, big tongue makes it fun. That's the chant that they do. Big tongue makes it fun, and I believe that we will tongue. I believe that we will tongue. And then every in the crowd has to kiss. That's a fun one. That's the fun bit of cricket. That would be such a funny like chant if for whatever reason you're the away fan and you could get everybody to agree that when we chant, I believe that we will tongue, you all start loudly making out. Imagine how weird that would be for all of the home fans, like, what the fuck are they doing? What if you went to uh a sort of slightly less developed socially club like your Millwalls, your Chelsea's, your Chicago Brown Bears, do you know what I mean? And said did something like um Kit Kiss a man unless you're gay. They'd be like Kiss a man. Oh I'm not gay. I'm not gay, I'm gonna tongue my kid. They wouldn't know what to do. They would not know what to do, so tongue a man unless you're gay. Can that be a fix for cricket? Tugging a man. Tongue a man. No, no, I want I want an actual fix for cricket. Okay, an actual fix for cricket. Tell me. I said to you recorded, I don't know the win condition of cricket. I j as an idiot. What do you think it is? Yeah, I'm curious what you think it is. I've always disliked cricket because I find any sport that needs to be played in the in the in the time frame of days is bullshit. That's mental. Um I also dislike, was it baseball where they're like, well, this is the third time we've met, you know, we're playing each other two more times this week. Yeah. And it's like, what do it once, probably. That's the same thing. Well, that can be that that'll definitely be one of our fixes to baseball. Just play. Get it done in the world. Have a match. Yeah. Three points, one point for a troll. Perfect. Kick the ball around. Um a really funny way to have done this podcast is just to make everything football. True. Yeah, okay. So kick the ball. Of cricket. I think, and I'm not trolling here. Yeah, yeah. So there's something called overs. I don't know what that means. There's sixes and there are threes and there are runs. And there are threes and there's fours. You really don't. This is quite impressive. So I thought this was the level I thought the level of knowing fours and sixes was like, oh, I don't watch that. Never have, but I've heard of that. No. But okay. Okay. So yes, so four. So four and four. So four is when it uh Monks Panasar hits it and then it bounces within the boundaries, and then it then goes outside of the boundaries. Touches the rope technically. And there's little there's little like uh ramps for it to make it go, way, which I do quite like. That's fun. They are fun. So it used to be uh like a rope traditionally, but then they changed it to like a little advertised triangle. And that's fun. That's a cool part of it, because then the ball goes, okay, and you see it hop up. That's where they can out of it well. Okay, I'm with you. Yeah, I agree. Uh six is when Monty Panasar hits it completely out, but he gets a homer. He gets a homer, and he goes a home run. Six points. He there uh when they hit it, they also run, and there's also a second batsman. And I don't know why. Do they both hit on the same Would you like me to tell you? No. Okay, can I tell you anyway? What's his name? Freddie, you know, and Andrew who's a big guy? Flinthoff, Freddie Flinthoff, yeah. Yeah, Freddie, Freddie says it name because he's Andrew Flintoff, like Flint's own. Yeah, so Freddie Flintoff and the Monty Panasart are both up to bat. Okay. Um thousand and six. Tungers, bowls from the future, yeah. Bowls uh, what's it called? A wiggly?

SPEAKER_02 34:28

I know you're thinking of a googly, a googly.

SPEAKER_00 34:32

A googly, yeah. I don't know what a googly I can't I don't know what a googly is. I don't know what fine leg and first, I don't know all those things. That's not the level I understand. So uh Tungers, bowls a googly, and Monty Panasar. Monty Panasar hits it for six. I don't know why they run, because they've already got the points. I think they are adding points on top, and then whoever ends up at the batting end, they then are now hitting. So if they get an odd number essentially, if they get seven runs, blah blah blah blah bam, I don't know if that's good, then Tungers is now balling against Freddie Flint off. Okay, so yeah, there's there's there's elements of like most of what you say, there's elements of truth sprinkled throughout. I don't know where I don't know what an over is. I don't know what that means. Okay, okay. So an over? That's my knowledge. Okay, lock me in. So the first thing to say is there's different, and this might be the sort of thing you hate, right? There's different types of cricket. There's the class what you mentioned test cricket. Quick cricket. That's also a type, but that's a slightly different thing. But there's there's test cricket. That's five days. That's your classic big boy old school English. Because it's a test to watch it, yeah. I I don't know why it's called a test, but something like that. I think there's also test rugby. Um but yeah, that's a five-day slogathon where each team has to lose all ten of its wickets twice. I don't know what a wicket is. That's when they hit the stumps, you're out. Ten outs, basically. Okay. So Monty Planasar gets bowled out by Tungers. He's that's minus one, they're now down to nine. And that's why if you hear, oh, England are 76 for two, the score is 76, and the wickets is two. So they've lost, they've lost two out of their ten outs. And now they're down to eight. Yeah, they've got eight more to go through. Okay, alright. So that's that's that's and then a test, you have to do that to each team twice over five days. I know exactly. So it's a lot, it's a but it's think about like well, so that you're in luck because there's also one day cricket. You're in luck, there's a way better version of it. Arguably so. So test is for the purists, it's for the old-fashioned people. It's a slow game. I still reckon it's good. It's a slow game, you know. You you most of the batting, most of the bowling and batting is throw, block. Your average is block, block. Bullshit. How fucking boring. Okay, fair enough. That's totally fair. So now there's different flavours. So that's your vanilla, that's your flavourless. Nope, not of the things. Let's not do that. Next episode. You're trying to get me in here. You're trying to make me learn. Don't make, don't, don't. I'm grabbing the learning, the wheel of the learning mobile, and I'm ready to pull us into social reservation to get us out of this. Fair enough, fair enough. Okay, then that's your delicious vanilla bean pod flavour. Classic, right? Yeah, classic and flavourful. Too much so almost. No, no, I'm agreeing with you. Flavoury, flavoury vanilla. Um, but then you have, I don't know when this was added, you've got something called one day cricket, which is 50 overs, i.e., 300 bulls each. So an over is six bulls. So one bowler bowls an over, one, two, three, four, five, six, and then it goes to the next bowler from the opposite end. Does that make sense? No. So the opposite end. So wait, so Monty Panasar and Fred Explain it to me in Monty Panasar terms. Okay, so Monty do you want Monty Panasar to bowl or bat? Whatever he wants. Okay, do you know what? So it's tongue, it's tongue bowling. Okay, Tungas is the bowler, okay. So Tonguers gets his ball out, right? Yeah. He tongues his ball, wraps his mouth around it. Batang! Yeah. He does that six times. Against only Monty? No. Okay. So this is. Yeah, no, that's fair. So if Monty Okay, let's do let's do Tungers tongues his first one. Yeah. Monty hits it. Brilliant. Good job, Monty. But not very far. And then he and Freddie Flint off, they have time before the bowlers get it and get it back. Before it gets back, before it's dangerous, to run between the sticks, i.e. the stumps, once. And when you say between the stick, this is something else that I remember doing. Okay. You the bat, if it goes over the line, you're in. Exactly. So they go bang, run run, run, run, run, bang. Yeah, they have to touch each time if you get more than one run. Okay? Yeah. So Monty Panasar hits it off Tungers, it's all wet and sloppy, doesn't go very far. Yeah. And they swap once. Yep. Okay? So now Freddie Flinthoff is in back. He's up to hit. Meanwhile, Tungers, he's got five balls left of his over. Gotcha. Okay. I'm in. Yeah, yeah. So let's say the next five, they're just they're they're, you know, they they dodge them, they're nearly hitting the stumps, nothing happens, okay? Okay. Which, you know, does it have to be a few? So even if he fucks it, they still count. By the he fucks it, do you mean nothing is hit? Nothing is no points are scored. He like it goes a foot to the side five more times. Do they all count? So if it's a wide I if it's without outside of the bounds of what's an acceptable bowl, i.e. too high or too wide, you they get the opponents get a point, a run, and you do it again. So the what you want to do is keep it within the bounds, but have them not hit it far. That's a that's called a got ball, and that's a good thing, especially in cricket with less throwing, right? So tongue is, he slaps his tongue five more times, nothing of note happens. No points are scored, no wickets are hit or whatever, okay? Yeah. And Freddie Flint off is in bat during that. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I mean after that, it goes to the other bowler. So tongue and another bowler, they're sort of rotating overs. It's now the other bowler's turn on the opposite end. Tongue two. Tongue two. Tongue twister. Tongue twister. I like that. Yeah. The tongue twister then comes in from the other end. Yeah. Now he bowls six, his over. Yeah. Starting it aiming at Monty Panasar. Because Monty Panasar is at the other end. Because he was okay, and tongue and tongue twister are on the same team against Ponty Panason. Frody Flint off. Yes. Okay. Got so again. In in one day cricket, that situation would happen for 50 overs per team. So that's 300 bowls because it's 50 times six. So it's basically how many runs, how many points can you get from 300 balls? Okay. And then whoever has the most out of that wins. There's no like, oh, but you did it in this amount of uh bowls, and so therefore you win. It's just you deplete all of your bowls, and then you deplete all of your batsmen if if you do it in time, because ultimately I imagine you could have one Monty Panasar could fucking crush it. Yeah. Could he and hit him and Freddie Flint off, I suppose. Could they both hit all 300 if they aren't out? Can they just keep? Yeah, if Monty Pan uh you'd have to, so there's a bit of a tactic there. So say, so sometimes, you know, there's better batters and better bowlers, right? Yeah. At the start of your ten outs, you get your better batters at the beginning. And your shitters, your bowling specialists, they come in at the end to try and get a few bowlers. Oh, so it's all okay, so all the batters are also bowlers. Yes, so it's the same ten or a ten eleven, which is what we talked about earlier for American football. Exactly, exactly. That's odd. So that's tactical and interesting because say Freddie Flinthoff, who's your first batter, is still in from the start. So all his teammates have gone out one by one. Yeah. Like you might have had him rounders, but Freddy Flint's dealing. On the sixth ball, say it's him and then the worst batsman on the team. He's a great bowler, he's the worst batsman, right? Freddie Flinthoff wants to, what's called keep the strike. He wants the ball. He wants the ball to go. You don't want my teammate to get it, because he's gonna go out. He's shit. Yeah, he's gonna go out, he's gonna waste one of our fucking turns. Oh final one. Because we're third, we're for nine, so one more and we're we're gone, right? Yeah. So what Freddie Flinthoff would do on the so he might so the first five of a bowler's over. Yeah. He'll go six, hit it for six, he's smashing them all. Crunch, crunch, crunch, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the last one, the sixth throw, instead of going it for six, he wants to get one. Because that then takes him to the opposite end. That then does a little switcheroo. So then when the bowler is going from that at the other end, he's throwing it at Freddie still. Ah, okay, so basically you're just sort of chasing the bowler. So he's like, you're not you're not getting away from me, motherfucker. You're stuck in here with me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, true. Gotcha, okay, alright. Okay, so may I suggest my first six of cricket? And if anybody, I'd love to. If anybody is uh has enjoyed Cole's quite frankly, brilliant explanation of cricket, give it a like, give it a subscribe. We're a cricket podcast. Um please make sure that you bowl us for six. Does that work? I don't think bowling for six is a thing. But okay, I want to hear your fixes. Now you understand the rules of cricket. Like, subscribe, follow all those things. Um, and drop a comment as to what your fixes for any of these sports would be. Uh, my first fix of cricket is get rid of Tess cricket. Okay. Just that one seems pointless. That one seems too long. No, no more test. That's silly. You don't need five days. That that's greedy. Should we put that's that's greedy? Brackets, that's greedy. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah, that's greedy. It's it's a it's a greedy amount of sport to have, and they know that. They're aware of that. They must be, they must be. Okay. Done. Um have you got any fixed in mind for cricket? Um honestly, I I like cricket for what it is. You know, I like my boring sports. I like my snookers, I like my crickets, and I know they're boring. Uh, what would I change about cricket? Um, I'd put more value on getting more points in test cricket. There's a lot of test cricket doesn't exist now, mate. Unfortunately. That's true, that's a good point. Uh doesn't matter. Great suggestion. Honestly, the board were thinking it, the council were considering that. But then we then delete a test cricket. I've got one. You know when they hit a big one, it goes into the crowd? Yeah. I think if the crowd catch it, you're out. Yes! I love it. Yeah. Crowd catch the bowl then out. Because also a great thing about it is already. Wait, who the fuck are the fielders? Who are those random cho the fuck are they? Whose team are they on? During your explanation, it was just the bowlers and the batsmen. Yeah, I completely feel the field has existed. Who the fuck are they? That's so funny. They're on the team of the bowlers. So they're working with the bowlers. Are they in the rotage? Are they in the bowling rotation? Does Monty Panasar, once he's done bowling, fuck off to the field? Yes, yes, that's right. Occasionally there's like a substitute fielder like that comes on for an hour or whatever for injuries, but it's mostly it's the same 11 for each team. That's brilliant. I love that there's three jobs per player. But also imagine there's some people that are just I'm I'm main fielding. Yes. Like I don't bat. So so it is rare. The only reason I know about that is I remember seeing an interview with some England legend. Like I say, my knowledge is. So good at catch. Well, because when you're thinking of a cricket catch, you're imagining in the air like that, right? And that's that's the one that when you're walking by the game of cricket in the field, you're you're praying the ball comes to you, so you get that big boy catch, right? And playing rounders, every big lad who's like wants to go outfield and do the big one, right? That's what everyone has in mind. Uh in cricket, most of the catchers, and this is like, you know, I'm not trying to sell it on you here, but this is an interesting thing. Uh, what's called they're in the slip. And that means that, you know, have you ever seen it in cricket where the bowl is. It gets deflected, right? Is it a little bit?

SPEAKER_02 45:39

It gets the little nick.

SPEAKER_00 45:40

It hits the edge of their bat, and then goes to there's the the the wiki with the gloves, and then there's about four blokes next to him, all in different in a line. You have can you imagine that? Oh, yeah, I know this, yeah, yeah. They're hoping for that edge to then go to them. And you can get some sick catches, they they dive, they lad horizontally, there's some crazy. With the speed of the ball and how hard the ball is on your bare hand, oh, their hands must be like 88% callous. Yeah, has to be because they they just must shatter their hands. Remember my mate, um, you met him, uh Jacob at my Stagdo.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_00 46:11

Um, he he loves cricket, like played the cricket club, yeah, yeah. Really, really big into cricket. Um at one point he came in. I hate it. Um he at one point uh was playing cricket for the village, yeah. And uh he said that over the weekend when they were playing, it like the you know, the ball hits his finger like flat on and it bent it, and he like he like went over and I was like, oh, and he like didn't have the ball, and he looked up and his finger was sideways. Oh and his finger was like sideways off to like the side of his hand, and his sixth one apparently based on your sixth finger, and he then uh like uh I had to go to the hospital or whatever, and then had it like in a splint like with the two together. What is it with your mates and fingers? I remember that Zombie stag as well. The best man, shout out John. It all gone successfully, and we're all playing um like a murder in the dark sort of like um hide-and-seek thing in the dark. And then we're very drunk. So I'm on the second floor out of three, and then we all suddenly hear like uh oh fuck, uh oh shit, like that.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:17

And a few of us like, you know, you're in that mode of where are they all, and then you suddenly get alerted, and a few of us sort of like, look, was that serious? And then it carried on with the ah ha oh shit. And we I remember I can't remember who I turned to, but I turned to one of them, and we sort of did a big smile, like, oh, what's going on? We thought someone's being tickled or something. Uh-huh. So we went, like, oh, what's this? So then we went up, and then we, as we were going up, we were like, oh shit, though, it's real. But then it became clear the pain was real. But yeah, your mate, your mate got his fingers crushed in a door hinge. Which wasn't good. So at this point, um, I was I was on being hunted, I was in a cupboard under a duvet behind a shelf with the door shut. I heard muffled screaming, and I honest to God thought, same as you, Cole, it was about a minute later, and I thought, hmm, they're still making noise. And I thought, do I give up my really good hiding spot in this cupboard? That was getting really hot. And I thought, do I give it up? And then I shut your knuckle. I heard you walk past the that bedroom door that I was hiding in. Yeah. And I heard you say, okay, I've just googled it, but I need to keep the hand above the heart. Wasn't I good? And then I either at that point I thought, serious, okay. And I then had to like open the door, de-duvet myself, take the shelf off me, and then went upstairs. But yeah, everyone's very good. I've got a picture of you from a different hiding spot where you'll turn into the camera and go, yeah, I'll put it on this podcast and say, I'll have to fish it out. I'd send it to you now, but I've got to do it. Is that one else under the bed? I think it was the under the bed one. Yeah, I said. And you're there just go, that was very funny. It couldn't fit under the bed either.

SPEAKER_02 48:50

But yeah, wasn't I good? Everyone else was crowding around and in a good way.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

Like the people were helping, and I thought, okay, I can't help if I do that. I will Google it. What's the thing to do? And it was hand above the heart, it was any rings, remove them, because if it expands, and I checked, he was like, no, no. So I was like, okay, that's good. And then I don't know, fucking rice, you know, right rest, elevation, all that bullets. Then he had my ibuprofen. Did he? Cheeky. My hangover ibuprofen that I left on my side day. Cheeky bastard. Right. Oh, yeah, okay. So the third fix, um, well, I mean, uh the things that I like about it, yeah. The shorter day, one day, great, brilliant. Even if it's a day, it's still a day of drinking, which is the main day on cricket. Yep, yeah. You still do the full day. I do, I I like a sport where you can drink a lot during it. Football at times is too short for that. Yeah. Where you're thinking, That's true. I'm getting into it. I'm really into it now. Oh, it's the 70th minute. We've only got like 25 minutes left. That's a real shame. I hope that we can see them the last minute in the FA Cup final so there's extra time. Um so I like that it's a full day. That's cool. Um that that that's that's enjoyable. I like that everybody does everything. That's also really good. None of this woke shit where you're just doing your one job. No, you're in with everything. You're in the month. I like that. That's cool. It's better than I thought. So that's fine. That's good. Um, and you're the cricket head, so have you got anything else that you would uh that you would introduce? Could get rid of woke helmets. That'd be good. Some would die, but you know, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to do. I like that they've not got the stupid fucking baseball bit round the side that then just covers up half of their head. They've got a cooler like baby. It's a full, like a medieval helmet and it's down. That's way why don't the baseballers do that? And so have this fucking bit that goes around their jaw. What about like one-handed catchers only? That'd be fun if the ball's really high in the air, you've got to catch it with one hand as opposed to two. Idea. You can catch it with two, and that just gets the one guy out. But if you catch it with one, you get both of them out. Because that then sows discord between the two batteries. Because then Freddie Flintoff is then really annoyed at you know, Joe Cricket, because he's just hit a shitter, you know. He's he's he's he's Wam the badger, uh, as they call it. He then catches it with one, and then Freddie Flinthoff's out as well. Okay. So I like that. That's I think it's SOW. I think it is SOW, okay. Yeah, go with it. Okay, so how to fix cricket, everybody. Uh, step one, no more test cricket, because that's greedy. You don't need five days for a sport, that's insane. If the crowd catch it, you're out. Brilliant. And also no gloves. Yeah, true. Uh and one hand catch equals two batsmen out to sew discord between them. It was like, oh, you got me out. Yeah, make them argue. I like that a lot. That's really good. Uh, could I can I suggest an addendum to the crowd catch it, you're out. Yeah, yeah. It depends what side they support. I was thinking that. There's a big advantage there. Like, England versus Australia. Yeah. So there has to be an advantage to both sides catching it, right? Okay. If uh Mont Panasar for England hits it and an Australian fan catches it, again, one hand, both are out. Yep. Right? Um, but then if that's the crowd forget two. I don't send it to the crowd. Yes, I would, yeah, yeah. Um and then I would then say that um if an Australi if an Australian, uh sorry, yeah, an Englishman catches it, and they're on Mont Panasar's side, they give them plus one life. Oh, so they then add a batsman back in. I don't know how you want to word that. Or add a yes, yeah. Or okay. So no more test grip, that's greedy. Crowd catch it you're out or add a life. And my lad catch it was two out to so discord between batsmen. Just to make them argue. These are good addendums, these are good rules to add. Okay, um I would like to then. I'd like to do this one if possible at some point. Okay, okay. Um it will probably be our last one, this next one. So we've got maybe people can help us out with them for whichever ones we don't do. Well, we can also do a sequel of this in like 10 episodes time as well, don't forget. I think we'll show you get to. Okay, so you you would like to do the bottom one, that is fine. How to fix basketball. So, how do we fix basketball? So, Cole Is this how you tell me you've never you don't know the rules of basketball? Are they trying to hit the backboard or get it in the hoop? I So I know that there is. There's 1.2.3 points. Yep. Dunks are worth one, which I think is mental. I'd like to change that. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. I'd like to change that because that's the coolest thing you can do in this otherwise quite uncool sport. Yeah, yeah. Um uh you can then get, yeah, one, two, three, three is then outside the D, outside the circle bit, the semicircle. Yeah. Um and then loads of points are scored, basically. Which is So that's that's the issue. That's my main beef. Like, so so football can be boring, right? Got it. But it's moments. It's like you watch for 87 minutes, and then the 89th minute, like, I don't know what I'm talking about. In the 89th minute, fucking there's Steven Gerrard, booms one in from 40, you're like, What the hell? Do you know what I mean? And it's like that's all you remember. You look back next in three seasons' time, you go, oh, that game was amazing. You watch it back, you go, that game was actually shit, but that moment. Yeah. Basketball has too many moments. So many. It's 106, 109, and it's like, yay, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. It's a war of attrition, which I think inherently, like, in any given war or any given game of a thing. Attrition or otherwise. A war of attrition is the most boring way to do it. Like holding on to your thought or with held on your hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like holding on, and they just pelt you, they're just chucking in like cabbages on fire and stuff. You're doing that, you're throwing in heads of your women and children that were out on the land, whatever. Once you've poured boiling oil over 1400 peasants, is there any joy of pouring it on the 1400 and first? I see. Exactly. There's there's there's no real point. Like, what you really want is a fucking battering ram. And then finally you then get through the door, that's your Gerard! You know? Yeah, for 40 yards. Yeah, exactly. 40 yards. Tongue screamer. So would we say so how would we make it less points? Pitch bigger? Bigger pitch is an option, smaller hoops is an option, bigger ball is an option. Um, like you have to throw with your own hand sometimes is an option. Oh, higher up hoop. Higher hoop's good, so you've really got a lighter dunking dunking and trampoline. Oh, there is this is already a sport. Yeah, trampoline basketball, but maybe trampoline basketball. No, I don't I don't think it's all trampolines. I think there's like one trampoline, and you have to like jockey for the trampoline. Oh, do you have like a trampoline guardsman? Yeah, so maybe that can be two fixes. So fix one is high much higher hoop, much higher hoops. How much high are we talking? Double? So 26 feet. Because I think they're 13 feet currently. Good knowledge, I wouldn't have known that. I think so. Let me Google. Okay. Let me Google. I I think double the height is uh is a good amount for it. To really make it nice trailer. Oh, okay. To make it 20. Yeah, cool. Yeah, double double hoop height. So double hoop height. I I will say it's probably considering everything that goes on in this sport and what it should be, it's frantic, it's hectic, it's everything. Yep. It uh does it fucking boring. Like in the general flow of it. You just get like, oh, my team have scored 30 times in this game. Yeah. How's that not exciting? That should be insane how 30 goals have gone in. That's mental. That should be one as in a lifetime. That should be, yeah, but like America the American brain truly cannot comprehend an exciting draw. Like an exciting nil-nil. Yeah, I remember when Ipswich went up, we got a point against Brighton. Uh we were away in in Fort Worth, I think, in uh Dickey's Arena in Texas for the RLCS. That's where we were back then when this happened. And Ipswich got our first point on the board in the Premier League after being promoted, which is a thing, by the way. And it was nil-nil against Brighton. And I was going around the group and going, guys, we got a point. And they were like, oh, really? What's the score? I was like, nil-nil. They were like, Oh, I'm sorry. I was like, no, it's great. Meanwhile, one of them is like, my team just scored 47 times. And we lost. But what? That's awful. That's so much worse. So are we adding the trampoline or are we just keeping it of double hoop height? Because that does get rid of dunks, which are the coolest way of scoring. It does. Maybe there's a right. So you know, in uh in uh rugby or American football, you can either take a drop kick and you'll then get less points, but you then don't need to get a try. Yeah, you then don't need to get all that way. You're thinking, we're about to lose possession of this, let's just lock in two points, right? Yep, yeah. I think can we have a lower down hoop that's less points? Oh do you want that as part of fix one or to make that fix two? I think I'd put that in fix one and say, so we got so basically we're adding a hoop that's 20 feet up, so way harder to get it in, but we retain the 10 feet hoop, but you only get one for that. No matter where you get it in from, you only get one for that, unless you dunk. So uh dunk needs to have like a multiplier on it or something. Okay. Can we have a dunk multiplier? Uh yeah, uh that that should be fixed too. Dunk multiplier. I think so. Yeah. Or like or like a passing multiplier or something. It should be like coolness points. There should be a voting system. So if you do an alley oop, yeah, with with so dunk multiplier with oh sorry. But we can have that. We could just have like a instead of dunk multiplier, it's just coolness multiplier. And then a dunk is part of that coolness. So if it's like a alley oop, alley oop, slam dung. Yeah, that adds up, that's like 1.3 times points. Okay. Because to be fair, I have seen a YouTube video, or at least I've seen the title of it, I must admit I didn't click on it, but I've seen a YouTube title that I know, I saw a bit. Because it was like basketball is is broken. Because Steph Curry, he comes along and it's like he gets the halfway, shoop, three points. And then once one person does it, other people do it, like climbing everything, you know what I mean? So now there's loads of Seth Curries out there. I imagine he's still the best, but I don't know, who are going about going, shoop, three points, shoop, three points. It's basically like uh Ben Foster and Joe Hart playing American football. Solved, which is our fix. But for basketball, it's like But for basketball. The council is infallible. How dare you point out our hypocrisy? But for basketball, that has ruined it slightly because there's there's less fight, you know, grappling, there's less jockeying, there's no dunking, there's no quick fire passes. It's oh that's three. Yeah so that's why the double hoop height would fix that. Yeah. The coolness multiplier would also fix that. Maybe then we don't need the lower scoring secondary hoop. Maybe of course bottle flyer is like, oh, I did it backwards. So we lose the other. I know, but we like the uh no, because I like the dunks. Dunks can go into the coolness multiplier though. Okay. What about the trampoline then? And then you can jump trampoline onto the double height. Platforms! Oh, platforms is fun. Like a ninja warrior thing. Oh yeah! Okay, so right in front of the twenty-foot hoop. I don't like the secondary hoop. Right in front of the 20-foot hoop, there's you know the you know the half pipe where you have to run up it.

unknown 1:00:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:08

So there's a ramp up to the 20-foot hoop. Yeah, yeah. And if you can nail it, you then have to like springboard yourself off with the ball, which is crazy. Dunk it, and then slide back down. Yeah, okay, we can we can add a ramp and we can also add, you know, the left foot, right foot things in the room. Oh, yeah, where they then go higher and higher and higher. Yes, yes. So that could be fixed three. Okay, so obstacles essentially. Obstacles. Yeah, add obstacles. Because right now, also, like you say, these are all like massive men that can do stuff, and they can just like you say, they can just sort of shoot it. Like, I don't I don't quite understand how one can miss a hoop unless there's somebody in the way. Okay, how about this? So double hoop hype, coolness multiplier, and then obstacles for still dunks. Uh may I just add on like Ninja Warrior style obstacles. Okay. There we are. If you if you lowercase that AR cry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay. I'm gonna change that. Ninja Warrior style obstacles. Perfect, so there are still dunks. Uh I think those three things. I can't type. Such as half pipe to Hoop and those platform things. Nice. Okay. Perfect. I like that. I think that's good. Because then if you've then got imagine seeing the highlight reel of LeBron, he goes on the he goes on these diagonal platforms, he goes bang, bang, bang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One foot on the top of the half pipe. Dodging people, swiping up, trying to find it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then he then goes off the half pipe, dunks it, hangs on the hoop for a sec, looks sick as fuck, and then slides down and then fucking walks it off. Oh my, that would be so cool. Meanwhile, Steph Curry is there playing old school basketball for 17 fans left in the arena for the Chicago Bear Cubs, being like, oh I got three. Anyone want to see me do three? No. No, we're watching LeBron James with the ball on fire doing the big bouncy red balls. That honestly sounds so much better. Okay, yeah. So much better. Okay, everyone. So this is how you fix basketball. Uh you double the hoop height. 20-foot hoop. Coolness multiplier. If you do tricks and skills on the way to the hoop, you're in, and it gets better and better the more that you do. And Ninja Warrior and Ninja Warrior style obstacles such as half pipe to hoop, plus those platform things where you go left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. So there are still dunks. And then also that buys into the coolness multiplier if you do the DIAG platforms onto the slide down the half pipe post-dunk. That's sick. That's such a cool sport. There you go, everyone. We have fixed. So what have we fixed today? We've fixed basketball, we've fixed football, we've fixed cricket, and we fixed American football. Were they the four? They are the four, yeah. So next time, next time we should look to fix baseball. Yes. Perhaps. We've also got on here how to fix rugby, how to fix darts, and then I don't know why it's on there. How to fix water polo. I think water polo gets uh gets an easy run of things sometimes. You know what I mean? It needs the council to take a good close look at it. So if you guys want the council to return to fix quite frankly anything, uh let us know. Sports are currently on our radar because it's World Cup time. So we'll see how that ends up going. Otherwise, this was officially the best podcast on the internet. Make sure that you drop a like, you drop a subscribe, you drop a comment. How would you fix the sports that we have listed today? Very good fun. Let us know what you want the council to fix next, cool card. That was really good. I was gonna say as well, so we'll we'll link one of the other episodes. Do you think we should link one of the focused ones in the past? Maybe we fixed every language or N-A-V-E-U. We did decide uh which accent was the best. So make sure that you check out which accent was the best. We've also got a load of in-person uh videos as well. They will be recommended on our channel. We did a cereal milk replacement tier list. We replaced milk with red wine, with mouthwash, with gravy. It was good fun. And then we also did the spiciest band from YouTube challenge, which I personally vomited from. Yeah, yeah. You did it in the car on the way back, didn't you? I did in the endpoint toilets. Good times. That was good. But yeah, thanks everybody for listening, for watching. See you next time.