Officially Unofficially
Two guys. A microphone. No tangent left unturned.
Officially Unofficially
Should we SPLIT UP over this? 😳 Officially Unofficially #37
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
You Be the Judge - should this couple split up over whether or not to leave the doors and windows open?
Stumpy seems to think so and he's NEVER wrong.
We also mock Team USA AND read your comments of the week, so stick around for that <3
Rate 5* if you enjoy and leave a comment you sexy things.
Last week we ended our episode with You Be the Judge, and you guys loved it. So we thought this week, let's start with that bad boy. And it's one that we hinted at, Stumpy Goblin, and one that you said that you are gonna be personally attracted to.
SPEAKER_02That was annoying, as is the person in you mean a job, which is beautiful. How was that? Gonna be honest, I didn't know I was gonna do that until I started. So that's fun. You never do. That's what I respect. I could sense in your head the thought of what's he doing? What is he doing? We said we were gonna get into it. Well, leaving. The beauty is I'm the fucking editor, so no one's ever gonna see me. You edit out. For anybody wondering, any audio listeners, you heard it, fuck you. For any video people, you saw me sipping my mud water, my delicious mud water. So you be the judge, Colm. We be the judge. Should our partner stop leaving the windows and doors open? Uh the picture that the guardian, lefty lefty guardian, is attached, is a little fly looking very excitedly into a living room. I think that's a message.
SPEAKER_03I think that's a little cartoon mosquito.
SPEAKER_02Also, this segment is not sponsored by the Guardian, but it could be. Could be. Could be, but it could be. So the prosecution, Mark. My partner, Lucinda, these are not their real names. Uh my partner, Lucinda, was born in a barn, or so I joke. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a joke half the time. She leaves already. She leaves the doors and windows of our home open all the time. If I'm working in the living room, she will come in to speak to me, then just leave the door wide open behind her when she leaves. It drives me insane. First thought, if my door's shut, someone comes in and leaves it open, changes which way round it is, that is annoying. Crazy we shouldn't judge yet, but it's the living room. Like, that's a the living room is a door open room all the time. That's a fair objection, Your Honor. Yeah, objection sustained. Um we live in a basement flat in Madrid. Someone's bragging. And now it's almost summer, it's already hot and the mosquitoes are relentless. That was a mosquito. Lucinda will wander into our bedroom to do something, then leave the door open when she leaves. I'll go into the room later and find that not only has it heated up, but it's also full of bugs. And then we both face the consequences and get lots of bites. The same thing goes for the windows. She will open one to air the flat and leave it open for hours. We had a rule that once dust comes, we should close the windows to keep mosquitoes out. But Lucinda always forgets. I'm constantly going around and doing it myself. Brief hydration break. So what is happening so far is I feel like it's less an issue of like leaving windows and doors open. It's more the issues of bugs indoors, which is completely valid. Because bugs indoors is just awful. Horrendous. It's terrible. As you know, I'm I'm a hater of flies. Mosquitoes bother me less, but the noise isn't very nice, of course. And you know they go. But they at least bother. Yeah, they do, they actively do something. Um but yeah, no, I I it seems like it's a very clear-cut case of why would you possibly not shut these doors and windows? Yeah. So I'm I'm a person who loves a window and a door being open. But there's a very easy solution that I feel like if the issue is bugs, is do what I have done as a man who owns cat. We need to make sure she doesn't go outside, right? But we have the windows open for a little bit of breeze. I'll have a window open. We've got these like uh you like stick uh like a magnet smack around all edges of the windows, and then you then essentially make your own frame to then go on it that fits the window perfectly, and then she goes up to it, it's cat-proof. She could, if she wanted to, run and jump on it and it would get knocked down. And she has when she first saw them, she put like her claw behind it and sort of like lifted it, but because the magnet is strong, it sort of immediately flattens back down so she couldn't properly get through it. Um, and they completely keep bugs out. Neri a bug has entered our home, which is quite nice. Maybe that's something Lucinda will say, but I've seen those before, and I do respect those, but they have to be fitted perfectly, you know.
SPEAKER_01Maybe these guys are too lazy or not.
SPEAKER_02I would say it costs about £20, and we've done two windows. Bedroom window, because bedroom windows are always open, just all the time it's open, because I need to open. Uh, and then also the downstairs living room window, and it then allows Aircon to also breathe through it while keeping the window cat safe. I think we found the solution, and no one really needs to be to blame here, personally. We'll see. We will see because there's more there might be more to the story.
SPEAKER_01There might be more to the story.
SPEAKER_02This isn't about control, it's about comfort, practicality, and consideration. I don't get it. Closing a door or window doesn't take a huge amount of work. It literally takes seconds. It prevents heat and insects from getting in and makes our lives so much easier. It feels like the obvious thing to do. It's a valid point that also, if you're in Madrid and it's hot, you're just letting hot air into your house, which you don't need to do. Those houses stay cold with tile and like insulated walls and stuff. So they will stay cold. They're designed for the heat, unlike ours. Yeah. Lucinda says that keeping the windows open is an intentional choice to help cool the flat down, which doesn't work though. It can, but not always. Depends on the time of day. It won't do in the day in Madrid. Uh that still doesn't excuse her failure to close the doors. It's as though she's opposed to shutting any door ever. She even pees with the bathroom door open. That's fucked up. Yeah, I'm not a fan of that.
SPEAKER_03I I think that that's you know everyone does it and we've lived together for 50 years, I don't care. Just have a farting normal.
SPEAKER_02That's fine.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Are you against farting? It's not, I just like, you know, just Yeah, sort of. Just like clothes off.
SPEAKER_02Just self-exist. Put the plugs in. Self exists, yeah. Put the headphones on for 10 minutes. Do you not fart in front of Venea? No. Like an active choice? Do you hold it in? Would you leave the room?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's sort of like it's just it's just I'm just not, yeah, not it's just a self fulfilling thing. You're apathetic towards this, but that to me feels like such a conscious choice to not fart around your partner.
SPEAKER_01Well yeah, yeah, I guess it is a conscious choice. It's just uh it's just a a self-thing, I guess. All of it.
SPEAKER_02All of it's just one ones thing, I suppose, for me. So you're on the sofa, you need to fart. Uh-huh. You leave the room. No. But it's it's just you just sort of like, I don't know, don't perform. Just don't just don't perform with everything. I don't know, everything's so performative. Sounds and bodies. Perform the fart. Yeah. What if you just fart though? Well, it's never accidental, is it? Okay, I do. I'd say at least once a day I accidentally fart. Really? Yeah. You look disgusted. That just that just surprises me that it's an accidental thing. Yeah, like oh like I I might like cough or like I'll go to stand up and I'll fart. Or you'll fall over. Your patterns fall down and a trombone blow up. In my face clear. Um peeing with the bathroom door open. Awful. Just weird. Why would you do that when you could not? The simple phase is to not. That's a bad one. Like where when couples like, if there's someone in the bath and someone goes in for a poo. I'm like, that's mental. It's like, come on, at least use the toilet.
unknownOh, ah!
SPEAKER_02Split shit. Get out. Um, maybe there's a metaphor in here somewhere that she's more open than me, more relaxed. But I'm a cranky uptight dude. She likes things to be in order in our home. Besides, this isn't about control. It's about comfort, practicality, and consideration. If I'm working at home and I have to constantly get up and close the door, it's annoying. I'm often working or relaxing. I shouldn't have to interrupt what I'm doing just because Lucinda's forgotten. She needs to learn to shut the door behind her. Okay, so far, as normal, I am on the prosecution on the prosecution side.
SPEAKER_01These things tend to be prosecution-based. There's specific reasons to shut uh doors and windows. He's already in a door shut place.
SPEAKER_03It would it would bug me still, I think, with the with the lounge, so there might be a reason. Do you know what I mean? Not every time, but it might be because of the dog, it might be because the sun's in my eyes, it could be because of anything.
SPEAKER_02So to by default not shut the door when it has been open, or vice versa, would would annoy me, even if it isn't a public space. Yeah, I think that's the thing. It it I was still leaning towards Mark, but I think because the living room is a public space and one to open the living room door and then not close it, I don't think is that egregious. But the the issue I don't think is with that necessarily. The issue is with windows open to let bugs in, which is horrible. Especially because they they they keep coming as well, they're not gonna stop and they'll be everywhere and batting at the whole thing. Well, say in your bed sheets and you're like, well, now I can't sleep. This is awful. Especially mosquitoes. Like that's that's like weak ruining for the sake of shutting a window. I'll say you can just get a fly screen though. Yeah, but with doors and stuff, you don't want to let the rats in as well. Do you know what I mean? Like the rats live in the corridor, and that's okay, or the kitchen, but you don't want them to come into the lounge when you're watching TV.
SPEAKER_03Leave it open when you're not watching TV, and they can sort of go on the sofa and some of that, and that's fine. But it's when they're in the same room as you. Well, it's alright if they're in the same room as you, but it's when they jump onto the same piece of furniture on your lap.
SPEAKER_02You live in squalor. For any audio listeners, Cole is currently streaming. Have you ever seen Stig in the Dump? Yeah, Stig of the Dump. I have seen Stig of the Dump.
SPEAKER_01That's what C BBC era 2001. What year? I think it's earlier.
SPEAKER_02I think it's 90s. I think like 98. Was it reruns when we watched it as a child?
SPEAKER_01Stick of the dump heads in chat right now.
SPEAKER_02Stig of the dump, oh my god, was published the book in 1963. What? It's a 60s thing. And then it was adapted for television in 1981. God. That's the earliest. That's the earliest reference, like me TV media reference we must have made. Uh, Doctor Who would probably be the oldest one. But Stick of the Dump is But that's still happening. Doctor Who's still cutting about C something that only exists back then. Okay, yeah, it's like Old Yeller has stayed in the public zeitgeist and Stick of the Dump. They're the two. Stick of the Dump was sick. I loved Stick of the Dump. I thought it was great. I don't know what it was about, really. It's just like a bloke who lived in the dump. Apparently it was also uh redone again in 2002 with Thomas Brody Sangster.
SPEAKER_04Oh, good thing.
SPEAKER_02Between that and Pig Heart boy, he was farming these C BBC checks. Yeah, maybe that's uh maybe that's uh you were always a big fan of the birth of the nation, 1915's very own, weren't you?
SPEAKER_01You always like watching that and bringing that one up.
SPEAKER_02No, you've just made an old and media reference. Full stick of the dumb. It got usurped so quickly. The birth of the nation, then the KKK propaganda that you're into is now the first thing relevant. That's the earliest one. Oh, like it's the trophy off stick. Yeah, exactly. Enjoy that, the birth of the nation. Good to keep it relevant. Oh, and this is the birth of episode 37 of officially the best podcast on the Stig of the Dump of the Internet. Stick of the dump-dum. I hope that one day people find like iPods in dumps with episodes of OU downloaded on them.
SPEAKER_01I thought you'd say with episodes of Sig of the Dump. And I was like, I don't think I had iPods in the 80s, but I don't know, my history isn't ideal.
SPEAKER_02Think of the dump. Should we see what Lucinda's got to say? Should we see what Lucinda's got to say for herself? Yes, I'd love to. What have you got for us, open door Lucinda? Lucy Cinder.
SPEAKER_03Her main thing is that keeping them open feels more relaxed and homie. Homey, there's the American.
SPEAKER_02You know the thing of that? That's that's like these guys are American. Like, you know, it's all scouts. Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're from Inglorious Bastards. Exactly. It's like if someone if someone tweets saying, like, um, oh man, the the offside was wrong there. Or the offside wouldn't be in the cool. Is it off size? Is it plural or something? Off size. Off size on the cool there, and then the response would be that. It's like America.
SPEAKER_03PK. PK.
SPEAKER_02Off s oh great.
SPEAKER_03Anyway, keep them open feels more relaxed and homely. Homely. Plus, it's better for the cat. There's a cat involved. Sometimes I do randomly leave doors open for no reason. I guess that's just how my brain works. But there can be a hidden intention behind my decisions, agreed. For example, if Mark's in the flow and I need his attention or help with something, I will come into the room and then leave the door open as I leave. It annoys him. This is not great comms, but it signals to him that it's time to get up. No, it always works. Talk to Mark! Why is she starting off with passive aggression?
SPEAKER_01That is passive aggression.
SPEAKER_03And that's planned passive aggression as well. It's like, no, no, guys, because I am being passive aggressive, so sorry guys, I'd I'd hate for you to get the wrong idea here.
SPEAKER_02So Mark, he's working. I like to annoy him so I get attention. Oh, that's bad then. That's not good.
SPEAKER_03We don't live in some drafty old house where every open door changes the temperature of the room. We live in a hot flat, so for most of the year, leaving a door open doesn't make a discernible difference to indoor temperatures, especially in summer. From my perspective, there's just no need to leave every single door closed all the time.
SPEAKER_02I understand that, because if so we've got basically every single door in the house open, I'm sure you do, at any given moment, aside from like the bathroom door, which will be closed, an airing cupboard, obviously. I'm trying to go through my mind, palace.
SPEAKER_01So our bathroom doors are shut to the extent that our downstairs bathroom door can shut. You've got to sort of wedge it. It's because when the builders came over, they didn't measure for them.
SPEAKER_02The rats, we tend to use a rat door. You're fucking kidding me. They go on shit. Yeah, we go. Stay, stay. Um, yeah, okay, bedroom door is open. Yeah, it's it's mostly open plan. Oh, our spare bedroom door remains shut because that's got some crap that they don't have the dog jumping into.
SPEAKER_01Do you know what I mean? Yeah, whatever. Yeah, that's fine.
SPEAKER_02Our bathroom is uh because the window's always open in the bathroom, we don't want the cat getting out, so we shut the door. Like the porch door stays closed because again, then it's like a little airlock for the pets. Yeah. Um, front door wide open, obviously. And then in your walls where it's been hit with a sledgehammer then not fixed over and it goes through to the elements.
SPEAKER_01Do you leave the curtain in front of that, the broken uh tattered one? Do you leave that in front of it or do you move that away during the summer?
SPEAKER_02Uh someone went in and grabbed our broken tattered curtain and stole it. So we just staple a piece of A4. Yeah, we just staple a piece of A4 to the wall. But we have to then, whenever we open it, we've never thought to just lift it. We always pull that off, so we have to restaple the same piece of A4 over the sledge hole.
SPEAKER_01What you can do is just sort of like put your hands through as if they're being born and separate the A4 paper to get some airing.
SPEAKER_02And then when you're gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, and then when you're done, sort of like scrunch it, and then it sort of works, and that's fine. That's nice, that's nice. Yeah. You do live in a hobble. It's getting better.
SPEAKER_01I also prefer having police sabboy somebody.
SPEAKER_03I also prefer having all the doors open. To me, it feels more open and relaxed. Closing the doors feels more formal. Mark is definitely a more rules and routine sort of guy. That's why he's called Mark because of Peep Show.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's true. Lucinda's so loose and fun. She's Lucy Lucy. Yeah, exactly. Her name's Lucy and Mark off Peep Show. I can't believe they're actually giving these. They must be, they've given these characters. Mark and Big Sue's have written The Guardian.
SPEAKER_03He doesn't get why I don't close the door when I pee or shower, but I like to feel as if we're close to one another. Showering's alright. Showering is a good one. Showering's still weird. Do you think? I think showering can be alright, depending on like if you got a sort of it's like, oh, do you mind doing this for me while I'm showering or whatever? It's like and yeah, you know, they're not.
SPEAKER_02If I'm showering or having a bath, and then this literally happened yesterday, Anna came in to do her teeth, and I was like, oh, that's fine, whatever. I'm in the bath, I'm having a shower, cool, fine. But then I will shut the door by default since I'm showering. But then if the door is open during the shower, whatever. Not me come in, oh I'm just nipping out for this, fine.
SPEAKER_03That's the thing. I I I sort of also like don't look if Lanea is showering. I'll like Lanea. No, I'll sort of I don't not well, I don't, you know, if I need to go in, I will, but I'll like sort of open the door and be like, oh Linnea, do you know?
SPEAKER_02Prudish. I think I think you walk in and go like, oh mama. I'm like, I will be uh boisterous. Funny, isn't it? Every time. Every time. I'll walk in and knock, obviously, because just in case. I'll give a little knock, open the door, and I'll just like shout a wooger or something. Like a wooger. Yeah, like eyes popping out of head, pants like a dog. I'm just nipping up to take the bin out. I wonder if you can get a prop that is like some cartoon eyes that come out. So you press a little button and then you walk in next one and you go, oooger, like a big tongue, like jaw drops to the floor.
SPEAKER_01And like a guy on Twitter, the guy on Twitter that does all the panting that everyone hates. Have you seen him that makes everyone screamish? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I wonder if these props actually exist that you can be the mask.
SPEAKER_03Um besides we have a cat, Sammy, who doesn't like it when we close the doors on her. Leaving the Sammy's a girl, never saw that coming. Leaving the windows open is also good for her so she can get in and out of the apartment. Birds, mate. I know you're thinking it. You're thinking the birds, the wildlife in Spain.
SPEAKER_02Uh, I actually don't know much about like what cats are like in Spain. In the UK, they are particularly bad for local environments. I imagine they still purr and they still lick themselves and they still ask for treats and they still attack birds. Uh just in space. I would wonder uh what the situation is like, because there's also a lot more stray cats in places like Madrid, in cities and such. So one cat wouldn't necessarily be too much of an issue. Um I'm assuming, again, I've got no idea. Uh if they're an outdoor cat, I think that also makes sense. Still, my big issue though, is the fact that you've got a you've got bugs coming in. She's not addressed that yet. She's still got more, but she's not yet addressed that. I do agree that leaving doors open is better though. In a house, especially if there's a cat wandering around, as I've said on this podcast, cats will sit at doors and just scream. They will just sit at the door. And then they'll go through it anyway. You open it and then just look at you like, what have you done that for? There's a cat that sits outside of our um uh house, like the house directly opposite us, that sits at the front door when we've got our window open from about four in the morning every morning, and he goes, Mau! Mau.
SPEAKER_05Mau!
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he goes, is it Mao? Is it a Chinese cat? It's it's not, it's not, no, it's just chairman Mau! It's it's not it's I don't know, but it sits there for three hours, like, and you can hear it ring it throughout the entire street. That's so funny.
SPEAKER_01There's there's a dog near us whose woof is like and he does that.
SPEAKER_02It's quite endearing. I doubt it's endearing if you live with the dog, but it's sort of over yonder. It's like it's not our neighbour, but it's sort of opposite the way to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the echoes come through, you see, that's really funny.
SPEAKER_01And then ours, uh, our dog, my little rat of a creature dog, it's silent, it's calm, it's relaxing. And you're here.
SPEAKER_02It's like he's a quick yapper. If he built into it, I wouldn't b I wouldn't mind half as much. I've mentioned the monk jacks opposite my house to you, haven't I? Oh, they're awful quick. Screamy, screaming monk jacks. Yeah, we're lying in bed at night. We want the window open at night to bring this back on topic a bit because it's cool, right? And then we have it open, and then at about 3 a.m., if I'm sort of drifting out in sleep, I'll hear, not from Jasper, but from afar, I'll hear and then as soon as I hear that, I'm just going, Jasper, it's okay.
SPEAKER_03Jasper, it's okay.
SPEAKER_01Jasper, all right, window shut, and then we sat we sit there and our microphone. It's already hot. Yeah, boiling. Oh god. Horrible.
SPEAKER_03Um but it does seem that our our our character Lucinda is gonna address the teeny tiny elephants in the room because we've just moved into this flat. Before that, we were on the top floor, so we kept the windows closed to prevent Sammy from falling out. I get that we don't want mosquitoes, but I feel like I'm being practical when it comes to our cat. Or at least that's how I defend it when he asked me why the windows have been left open all day. I think Mark is still finding his feet in our new flat.
SPEAKER_02Just quickly. So she's not addressed the mosquito situation at all. No, she gets it. So I know we get mosquitoes. Anyway, Mark's finding his feet. Sorry, no, can we address the biggest issue here? Back to being passive aggressive. I know it's your point. However, mental. That like I get that we don't want mosquitoes, correct. But I feel like I'm being practical when it comes to our cat. But the mosquitoes are. Yeah, kind of irrelevant there, really. Even in the bedroom, leave the bedroom door completely shut and then put a fly screen on that window. Done. Easy. That would be sort of playing the cards that you're dealt.
SPEAKER_03Nobody wants to have to faff about with the stupid magnet things, right? But if you are being in I'm imagining these people are inundated. I imagine she smiles and they come pouring out of her mouth. Do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02Like in the twits or something.
SPEAKER_05Mosquito lucinda.
SPEAKER_01And then like they're just all over her. Do you know what I mean? It's like she probably has them on a lead, like 10,000 of them in a balloon.
SPEAKER_02That's what I imagine. You would not believe your eyes if 10 million mosquitoes stung you and gave you AIDS. What would they do? That would be. What do they do? Malaria. I see.
SPEAKER_01I think you meant the fireflies.
SPEAKER_02But yeah.
SPEAKER_01Now listen, why have you conflated AIDS and malaria out of the interest?
SPEAKER_04Maybe it was a white male.
SPEAKER_02Paul's collar. Anyway, Mark's money is feeting on you, he is, but leaving the doors open, it's more than closing it.
SPEAKER_03Life isn't that rigid, bro. I added the bro for audio listeners. Sometimes you're moving between rooms, carrying things, thinking about thinking about something else. I'm looking forward to the Real Madrid game on Saturday. It's gonna be really tough, but they're playing well at the moment.
SPEAKER_02Sure, if only this was open. Surely she was thinking like because she's admitted I I open the door to to piss Mark off. So then he stands up and does the thing. And then she comes in with sometimes you just forget. No, you can't play both sides of this. You bitch. Right, well, I feel like we've become the bad judge. I don't think judges say you bitch. Should they, but I don't think they tend to. You goddamn bitch. Objection, you're a bitch. You harlet.
SPEAKER_03Uh it's not always top of my mind to close a door behind me every time. It's not about being careless or inconsiderate. It's just a different way of thinking. I'm thinking ahead. Mark stuck in the stuck in the moment. Break up.
SPEAKER_02Genuinely. You're doing the reddit, you're you're flying the Redd flag of breakup. Break up. This is insane. She's so passive aggressive. She has said, um, I leave the door open as I leave. It annoys him, but it signals to him that it's time to get up. It always works. And then she's heralding herself as like, I'm just a a free flowing loosey-goosey. I'm thinking of the cat, man. I'm thinking ahead. Poor, boring floundering Mark is stuck in the moment.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, exactly. Imagine, imagine being worried about malaria. They'll have a cure for AIDS one day, man. I'm thinking ahead, it's all good.
SPEAKER_02Stop being stuck at the moment of complaining about your rapidly atrophying muscles due to all the AIDS Laria. This is a bit of necrosis, Mark. I dislike her. She's really annoying. I agree with her on the points of doors open makes it homey. That's nice. Homey. Homely. I think that having windows open is nice as well. I like windows open. Okay. But if you've got no cooling, you're making the flat hotter and you're letting bugs in. So you need to therefore address those points. Of which Mark is trying to. Mark is also saying, fine, have the windows open during the day. Like, but let's make sure that we're closing them at night. He he he's putting forward solutions and she's just calling him a stubborn stick in the mud prick. Stick in the mud. A stick in the dump, stick in the mud. Oh, he is. He is a stick in the mud. He's a stick of the mud, is what he is.
SPEAKER_03Um, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm I'm very much team mark here. I think when things need to be shut, because I hate flies so much, I hate them so much.
SPEAKER_01I used to hate when whenever I'd go to like my or whenever I do go to my grandma's house, she always will, without fail, say, Oh, should we eat outside?
SPEAKER_03And I think, uh-huh. Yep, that sounds lovely. Oh, what a lovely day it is.
SPEAKER_02When I just know that on the table I'm gonna be spending the lunch on on duty. I am the cat bopping away. You're on edge.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, on edge, because it's like, you know, to be fair to my grandma now, she knows how much I hate it, and she'll put a bit of um like uh kitchen roll on the olives, things like that. And that goes a long way.
SPEAKER_01For a fly hater, that goes a long way. But, you know, there's no one that cares as much as me, and as soon as I go, there's gonna be flies in the olives. As soon as I need a wee or whatever, then I'm gonna be there's gonna be no one on waft shooter. You need somebody on waft shooter, you need a wafter.
SPEAKER_02You're giving yourself a job here that I think not that many other people would be that worried about. It's a job for me. But for the people that are worried about it, thankful that you exist. I hope so. Yeah, exactly. I hope so. The jury of Guardian Readers. Yeah. So we've got a few here. Uh Lucy33. I'm not surprised that Lucinda has resorted to passive aggressive door-based game playing in the face of Mark's self-confessed crankiness. So she's basically saying they're both bad. Everyone sucks here. Uh no, no, I don't think she is. I think I think she's saying that that Lucinda is justified. I think that she's also saying, because she said passive aggressive, that's not a compliment.
SPEAKER_03No, it's not a compliment, but I think it's saying, like, oh, I get why you're playing those games. I get why you're, you know, it's like the girl saying, like, oh yeah, you go, girl. That's how I read that. I read that as her saying she's on Lucinda's side.
SPEAKER_02No, I read that as she's basically saying, you both suck. Like, I'm not surprised that because Mark is cranky, you do this, but like, I still don't like that you're doing it because I've described it as passive aggressive.
SPEAKER_03I get your point. I get your point. There's an inherent negativity, but I read that as it's not the I'm not surprised of saying that I read that as saying I'll do the same.
SPEAKER_02I read that as empathy towards uh Lucinda from my fellow use. I read that as a as a critique on Lucinda. Like, I'm not surprised that she's doing this. Interesting, interesting.
SPEAKER_03All right, well, not Catherine Sunlight. She says, Imagine deliberately irritating a person to make them behave a certain way because you think you know what's best for them. That is just wrong. That's the tesis. You've got to stop doing that. All cat owners know the no doors closed rule, but it isn't cozy to have a flat full of mosquitoes. Learn to compromise.
SPEAKER_02That's very fair. I'm with you. That's the thesis, Kath. I like I think that makes complete sense, Catherine. And I agree with her. I completely agree with her. Uh Sarah 30. Uh, someone who has spent time living in a hot mosquito field country, Bragg, I agree that any windows open during the day should be shut at night to prevent them coming in unless you have effective screens. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03That's what that's what we said. That's what we said.
SPEAKER_02Uh as for the doors, this is less important, agreed. But I am against passive aggressive door opening to force someone to get up when working. Because he might be in the middle of something. If it's his office, which maybe we've we skipped past a little bit, if it's his office, then fair enough, you know, that like that that's his space. I would probably say maybe pick somewhere else that's not the living room. Wait, as he said where he works, is he working in the living room? I think he's saying he's working in the living room. Yeah, that's tough then. There's gonna be people bopping in on in the room. It's the communal room. You kind of need to A living room is a fully door open situation.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. No, I I agree with you there. I agree with you there. Um it can be. It's it's not one that you can dictate, I suppose, is what I'm saying. Like I said to you earlier, I'd be mildly annoyed if I if I had it there shut for a reason. It's worse when there's guests. When guests forget, and it's like because if I'm a guest in someone's house and a door's shut, I'd assume there's a reason. And I'll shut it myself or keep it open myself, you know?
SPEAKER_02Um but yeah, in the world, we we say that with the cat because the cat will say, look, it's shut for a reason. Hey, look, if the uh but we would say bathroom doors shut because the window's open, just make sure you shut the bathroom door behind you. Because a lot of people wouldn't. In like my old house, I wouldn't have done bathroom door was open all the time, really, because it didn't matter. Yeah, true. It's like also if if I don't like having our bathroom windows shut because if the slugs don't get in, what am I gonna use as soap? You are you're you're you're you live in hell.
SPEAKER_03Horrible says Sarah 42 needs to chill out, get bugged sorry, Mark needs to chill out, get bug nets for the windows and ask Lucinda to stay out of the room while he's working. Thank you. He has, that's he has. He has asked her. The whole point is Sarah's not working right now. Sarah fucking read, you bitch. Hey, he says it's not a big deal to close a door, but is also complaining about doing it. Maybe they could compromise on closing the bathroom door and let the others go.
SPEAKER_02To me, it feels like what is it, weaponized incompetence? Where like you don't do stuff well, so then you'll never ask yourself so no one bullies you. Ah, that's close, that's weaponized incontinence. Um Yeah, I think that Sarah's kind of missed the mark there. Wow, literally. Because Mark has absolutely said, can you stop opening the door? And she goes, just ask. Just ask, though. No, I won't.
SPEAKER_03Why can't we just communicate? You know, why can't we all get along?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we are. Sarah, you bitch. Imagine Sarah, uh Sarah's a juror.
SPEAKER_03Like, look, uh can't they just ask you not to murder 14 women? Can't we just not murder prostitutes? You know? Just ask.
SPEAKER_02We agree. Yeah, but they've done it. We agree.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Just ask.
SPEAKER_03Can't we do it again? Just ask not to murder any more prostitutes. It's insane, Sarah.
SPEAKER_02And Emmanuel 56 says, Mark is right. Lucinda should close the doors and windows to keep the bugs out. She should also stop resorting to passive aggression. Good stuff. Love that. Spell the beans, Emmanuel. Yeah, that's it. Spill the beans. I'm gonna make spell the beans a thing. No nachos were reheated. Shut up. Because I tried to annoy you by doing the boots.
SPEAKER_01I really tried to annoy you by doing it wrong there, and you've just come straight at the top over me for another real one, and I'm annoyed again.
SPEAKER_02You've you've you've you've called my bluff, and I was thinking that I'd be able to barge my way through and you win. Sarah is reheating Lucinda's nachos. And that is gay terminology, I'll have you know. Should we find out what the people thought? What percentage of people uh do you think were on the side?
SPEAKER_03Okay, so last week's results. We asked whether Lucinda should Ooh, they missed a shock, not the guardian of a typo. We asked whether Lucinda stopped leaving the windows and doors open. Apparently is what it says. And uh 80% said that. Yes, Lucinda is guilty. 80% think that she should just shut the bloody windows. Just shut the clouds.
SPEAKER_02I think that there's there is compromise to be made though, and the compromise is fly screens. And it's such an easy compromise. Just easy. Easy being. Get some fly screens. If the cat needs to go out, then what you can do is get a catflap or something, or just open it up, shove the cat out, close it. Mm-hmm. Catflaps are doable. Wish there were human catflaps. You know, that's what a door is, you idiot.
SPEAKER_03No, but you know, but you know, I mean, you like you know when you go into like um you go into a greengrocer's and they've got like the flappy plastic.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, not not the beady ones that are the hippies, but the plastic ones. There's something cool about going into that. I feel like I'm being born again. Maybe that's their solution. They need to have like beads on the doors, like on uh in their doorways instead of doors, yeah, so that then they can't be closed and they can't be opened. It's Schrdinger's doorway. So then when Lucinda walks in, she then can't leave it open because it's only beads that she's walking through. That'd be she'd somehow find a way to leave the beads open. She'd get every strand of bead and like hang it onto a nearby hook nearby, spend about four hours, and might be like, oh sorry, would you mind shutting the beads? She'd be like, uh, I was trying to get your attention. I there you go! Fly screens replace all doors with beads. Okay. That's that's brilliant. I think that's absolutely brilliant. That's a genuine suggestion.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so what what's the downside then? Because you got the cooling effect of the I imagine that if beads have become a thing for doors, it's not just for hippies. I imagine when they are invented, it's because the inventors said, oh, it reduces 24% of heat while allowing a breach. No, I mean, I bet there's some science. What should we find out the science behind beads?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, why would one replace all of their doors with beads? What do you reckon? Someone uh someone who was one of my friends when I was younger, they I never liked it, but their parents never let them have doors on their rooms, which I always find weird in any house.
SPEAKER_04What not at all on their bedrooms?
SPEAKER_02They removed their doors, right? And then they replaced them. They replaced them with beads, so they had beads on there instead of doors. Were they a hippie family? Uh no. It was weird. I never liked it. I never liked it. Yeah, it's like it's better than no it's better than nothing. It's not as good as a door. Okay, well, the science behind beads. The science behind this is called an AI overview, so this is um Oh personal. Yeah, correct, yeah. Uh Grog. It's grog. For all purposes, AI is grog. Alright, grog. Why do they put beads in a door?
SPEAKER_03The science behind beads in a doorway combines physics, psychology, and aerodynamics. Christ, they've really sold it. They function as a passive pest barrier. Okay. And the cat can go through it nice and easy. Yep, yep, yep. And an energy efficient space divider that uses fluid dynamics to maintain airflow while limiting visual clutter and deterring insects.
SPEAKER_02It sounds a little bit like you know that thing that went around Twitter that was like, um, uh, turn this sentence into LinkedIn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'd you'd say, like, oh, I I wore a hat to a festival, and it would say, I managed to combine free-flowing uh UV blockage technology. It sounds a little bit like one of those.
SPEAKER_03Um, but apparently, uh beaded curtains exploit the visual and physical limitations of flying insects. Bugs are generally drawn to continuous airflow and light sources. The physical movement of the hanging beads, the Saurient's pests, while the gaps between the beads break up light and airflow patterns, acting as a natural deterrent against common flies. Okay. So there you go.
SPEAKER_02You want to get beads, mate.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they need to bead it up.
SPEAKER_02You want to get beads. I do want to get beads. I do want to get, yeah, no, I I I've got to be able to be able to be. Bead it up. Don't ask. Just do it. Just do it, just bead everything. What if it's all in beads?
SPEAKER_03Would you live in a home full of beads? But like from every surface, there's bead.
SPEAKER_02So from the ceiling, bead. You open up the cupboards, beads, you've got to bead your way, you gotta bead your way through the top. It's gonna be really hard to maneuver through. Especially imagine you're carrying food to the living room, and it's all just being trailed, beads are going over the top of the food.
SPEAKER_01They're all over the top, but then what happens is you you you've you've got your burger, you've ordered it from McDonald's, right? Um Beader King. You've ordered it from Beader King. No, sorry again. And then you bring it into your lounge, it's like beads everygo. Oh, fuck, get out of the beads. You finally look at this beautiful bread, you see a little bit of a bit of sauce right into it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Tooth cracks, Jimmy. It's not, is it? Because it was poorly made from Burger King. No, because of the beads. I shouldn't have got the Beader King. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't read the sign, I thought it was Burger King, as many would. No, no, no. Yeah, God, fair enough. Okay, well, Lucinda, bad guy. Absolutely. If you guys also agree or disagree, let us know in the comments. Yes, Lucinda, bad, no, Lucinda, good. Let us know. Thank you very much. Uh subscribe, comment, all those kind of things. Very helpful, it's very good. Uh we had a bit of a uh uh we had one of our um uh Reddit y things pop off on social media, so make sure that you follow us on social media uh because then you can get involved with the conversation with a nice little bit more editing, a little bit of pizzazz over some of these clips. Yeah, that's true. I was not expecting that to take 36 minutes, by the way.
SPEAKER_01That was that was good fun. That was Christ. Yeah, that was 40 minutes of discussing Mark versus Lucinda.
SPEAKER_02Imagine though that in the edit this c comes out to like 12 minutes, and we're like, you spoke about this for three times longer than we heard, and we were bored of it. Like No, no, I I'm lazy this week. I'm not doing any chopping this week. So you can say still, aren't you?
SPEAKER_01I am going to a festival. Yeah, festivals are great because it's like you know normally when you wake up hungover, and you can sort of wake up in your bed and you can go down and get some water, some food down.
SPEAKER_02Put some pants on if you want, you don't have to. Yeah, some air.
SPEAKER_03There's shade and it blocks the sun, it blocks the EV rays the next day.
SPEAKER_02And you've got loads of beads in your house, so that feels nice on the skin. What's great about festivals is that you get fucking none of that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. So it's like, you know, you need a wee at night, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice and easy. Just the quick wee. But it's not, it's not like 3 a.m., but it's more like you know, 11 p.m. and there's other people sort of like your neighbours and stuff like that. You know how normally you just gotta sort of get to your toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the toilets in the house, yeah. Options. Not like that at a festival, you gotta you gotta sort of hop over lots of lots of tents. Yes, but crocs on.
SPEAKER_01You have to put your crocs on, yep, yep, you do.
SPEAKER_03And also what's fun as well is that when you are stepping over all the tents and all the sort of uh tent um lines, a lot of those tent lines are black. Oh, that's good. Which is helpful. Because everybody blend in.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, they do have the technology to make them sort of green or yellow, because many are green or yellow, but some of them are black. That's good. So you just like you're walking and you trip. You got a lot of trip wires. I I could not. I I'm too I know for a fact, I know a fact about myself, I know two facts. One of them is that I will not enjoy oysters. That's fact number one. Fact number two is that I know I couldn't do a festival because I'm too much of a princess. I I need an actual shower every day, otherwise I'll feel awful. Does does does uh the cued showers not count? The sort of festival-y type showers? Not from what I've seen. They might be better than uh other stuff that I've seen in the past. Yeah. But like, even like you know, um, if you go camping, like toilet block showers, even then, I'm like, and I know that's me being a princess, and I'm completely admitting that. I get it. I need to feel clean and to enjoy my day. I went and had a haircut earlier today, and I didn't realize I had a haircut, so we um I had I had a um a notification on my phone. I was sitting there in my pants eating a croissant, and it said haircut in half an hour, and I thought, fuck. How far away is your haircut, please? Uh 25-minute drive, something like that. You've got a five-minute window to get ready and and I did literally. So I just thought I literally whacked a top on, got in the car, left. Um, but I thought the whole time I was sitting there, I thought, I feel greasy, I feel horrible. I don't like, I don't like leaving the house if I've not showered.
SPEAKER_01Really?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So once a month when I'm there and I can go to the local swimming pool to have a shower, I do tend to feel nicer after that.
SPEAKER_02Um you peel the scars. Yeah, because I I do use our dust shower. Um it's sort of like coughs, dust shower. Like, oh, like like a like a chinchilla having a dust bath. Well what like it rolls around in the dust, and that's how it cleans itself. That's how I imagine you do in your in your wet room, but it sounds like it's more of a dust room. Everything is a dust room, mate. Just a dry room. Everything is a good old dust battery. It's a room, normally. Exactly. It's a room. There's beads everywhere, it's it's crazy. It's crazy. You have a bead bath. You get in the you get in the bead ball and you roll around and hopefully scratches all of the scus off you.
SPEAKER_01We were sold it by a hippie builder from the pub. He said, Look, guys, the the future. The future is bead baths. You don't need water in a bath anymore. I was just one more bloke.
SPEAKER_02One more bloke from the pub, bro. One more bloke from the pub.
SPEAKER_04One more bloke in the pub and so. That's what we do, that's all we need.
SPEAKER_03Um, but yeah, no, I'm doing this festival, I do it every year. I've been doing it since 2018 now. This is the eighth year. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_02I was 24, 25 the first year I went. You've been going 10 years. That is actually insane. And now it's 2026, and I'm 32. So I've been going for eight years.
SPEAKER_03And it's it's a wild thought. The first time I went to this festival was the day after England went out. I was about to say it switched, England went out to Croatia. Do you remember that one? Oh my god, yes.
SPEAKER_02Trippia scored the famous free kick, and then they I don't know, they got their zimmer frames out and somehow beat us. We just forgot to play football, really. I mean, that was the main thing. Yeah. Was that Southgate? Was that early Southgate? That was early Southgate, I believe.
SPEAKER_01Well, I guess we that works quite well because it is the late Sven Goran Ericsson. Um, you found a football thing that you want to share with me. Did I?
SPEAKER_02Oh, I did. Did you still?
SPEAKER_01What a world.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um, okay, so uh it is uh this tweet that I have have you got it in the chat? Yes. So for the record, Sumpy specifically said, don't look at this now. We'll look at this. So I've got no idea what this is. So we're recording this the day after the USA got battered by Belgium.
SPEAKER_01Ready, ready for 12 seconds scheduled laughter? Three, two, one.
SPEAKER_04Okay, but awful.
SPEAKER_02So they ended up losing 4-1 after their game-changing striker um uh Balogun came uh came on. Trump completely reversed the decision for the suspension. And the world was absolutely rooting against the US. Exactly. Even even non-football fans, I've had them asking me like, oh, what happened in the with the the red card thing? I told my pal and the mayor about that. She and she's got like she's very intensely into sort of justice and right and wrong, right? So when I said, Oh, this American player got a red card, and then Trump called up the owner of FIFA. Now I'd never say anything bad about FIFA, please keep parameters, Fifi. Um, I'd never say anything bad about them. But yeah, Trump gave him a bell, as admitted by Donald. And then magically magically he's not being bad. She was horrified. She was she was like, there was like a look of disgust and disdain in her hours. Because um uh that was then doubled down on by Ted Cruz, who then said to Trump during a uh like a meeting thing that they had, like where he's in where Ted Cruz is in front of a podium and Trump was there, and he said, Thank you, Mr. President, for getting the red card removed. Which he didn't do, but he got the resp the suspension removed. But it's in their feeble American minds, it's the same thing. So it was admitted out loud that he had it removed thanks to Trump. So I found this on Twitter that says the US Spirit card, which I believe has been was put on the chairs. I'm assuming this is the at I think this was put on the seats during the USA Belgium match last night that the US lost 4-1, right? Uh it says US spirit card. Leader builds it, crowd echoes louder each loop. Louder each loop. I believe that we will win. I believe that we will win. Yeah, and they go louder and louder. So this is like a like a hymn sheet, essentially. Yep, yeah. Which I've spurred with the ideas of.
SPEAKER_01We have. We've tried this before when trying to get chance going in our Rocket League world. Rocket League is a physics-based car game. Um, it's a football game, basically, is it? Like imagine, Sompy, if your car, if you were controlling Messi's boot, it's very similar to controlling a Balogun's right foot going into the leg of an opposition player.
SPEAKER_03Imagine controlling Akenfenwa's left nipple. Not the whole of it, there's not a button to nipple, not a button to lactate. You just press, you just press the physics-based lactation. That's the dream.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Uh they've then got uh little uh teaching on different things that happen in the game. Okay. So firstly, they've labelled something corner kicks. Okay. So corner kicks, it then says quote, shots by LMFAO. They then sing shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, everybody. And they do that throughout the corner, I suppose. So sorry, okay. So my team has just got a corner kick.
SPEAKER_03And uh what do you you want me to go? So the corner kick's being taken by the home team, and you want me to go shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shit, shit, shit.
SPEAKER_02The one thing in that moment they're not. Doing.
SPEAKER_04Headers, heteros, headers, headerers.
SPEAKER_02It's like the only thing they're not doing at that point is the person on the corner shooting.
SPEAKER_03Approximately not print eight percent of all coroners lead to goals. Approximately 0.8% of all coroners lead to goals. Shots, shots, shots.
SPEAKER_02And then also teaching me. When we score to the tune of born in the USA, ball by the USA. Is that before or after I cheer? Because I want to celebrate the goal going in. We will be singing. Okay, so okay, and the leader builds it and the crowd echoes. Okay, so tell me when the ball talk me through it. So the shot comes in. Christian Pulistic takes the ball. Yep. Evades getting the PK. Yep. Yep.
SPEAKER_04Takes the shot. Okay. It's not off sides. Okay. We've scored. GOAL for the USSA. Yeah. Goal for the USA.
SPEAKER_02They might be the cringiest country ever to exist. Genuinely. Stop insulting me and keep teaching me. I want to learn more. I love this one. Okay. This is prefaced with when we win. Okay, we've won the game against Belgium. Because we're going to. We're gonna win the game versus Belgium. Yeah, exactly. Because we can't win the Big Bang. Yeah. And we're the best country in the world. Well, because our GDP is worth about 12 of theirs. Uh-huh. We're 14 times bigger than Belgium. Our small estate is bigger than their biggest fucking county. Yeah. So then we sing, take me all country roads to the place. I'm at the L. Christian Buller said. Scored against Belgium. Kick his legs. So they they did that for When We Win, reminder combated for one lol. This one I tried to sing in my head and it made no sense. So to the tune of if you're happy and you know it. Okay, so bear with me. If the US wins the game, we call it soccer. If the US wins the game, we call it soccer. If the US wins the game, then we'll change the frickin' name. If the US wins the game, we'll call it soccer. I okay. Real. Oh, you like that one. I do quite like it. You like it. I like that they've got the internal rhyme. I like that they've matched the rhyming scheme. Frickin' soccer. Self-aware. Yeah, the frickin' makes me laugh.
SPEAKER_01We'll change the frickin' name.
SPEAKER_02Do you think it's indoor endearing? I do think it's a little bit endearing again. Yeah, this is this is um we love it all over again. I'm sort of I'm sort of being won over by the tweenies of football soccer fandom here. It is atrocious. Um I don't know the tune of Yankee Doodle. Do you know it?
SPEAKER_03Uh Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni. Call it macaroni.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so whatever the fuck that means. Come on, US score a goal. It's really very simple. Put the ball into the net and we'll go frickin' mental.
SPEAKER_03That's good, man. I love them. Come on, US score a goal, it's really very simple. Put the ball into the net and we'll go frickin' mental.
SPEAKER_04That's so funny. They're so like upbeat.
SPEAKER_02So happy and like such a high register.
SPEAKER_03It's it's like they're so propaganded by big capitalism that they're convinced they're so perfect that even though even though most of them can't afford to get their broken arm checked, they're like, yeah, this is great. Oh, I've lifted up my leg, I'm gonna, it's gonna fall off again. But we were.
SPEAKER_02Thank God Jordan Henderson is not American.
SPEAKER_03I can afford it.
SPEAKER_02Not in my bag. That is, come on, you score a goal. It's really very simple. Put the ball into the net and we'll go freaking momentum toll. Beautiful. Genuinely beautiful. So funny. And then, okay, bonus verse, because we've not had enough. Same tune. Ballagandi changes flag, left the queen behind him, scoring goals for Uncle Sam, and good luck if you find him. Same tune. So he could have played for England and then probably realized he's not good enough?
SPEAKER_03No, because we don't have a queen. So maybe they mean like Denmark? Where has it? Well, I guess we do have a queen, but not the queen. Do you know what I mean? Because we have a queen queen. I read queen and assumed it was us, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Queen. It's easier to Google who could Balogun have played for.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but I want to know uh there are currently no queen. You want to know every country that has a queen. There are currently no countries with a ruling sovereign queen regnant. A queen who reigns in her own or reignant maybe, a queen who reigns in her own right. Following the abdication of Queen Margaret II of Denmark, or Margareth II of Denmark in January 2024. However, several nations have a Queen Consort, i.e., what we have, the wife of the king. Yeah, okay. So it makes no sense, unfortunately.
SPEAKER_02So he could have played for uh the he was qualified to play for the US, Nigeria, and the UK. So it says, Oh my god, this is from men'sjournal.com. Due to Balogun's rich background, he was uniquely qualified to play for the US, Nigeria, and the UK for this year's World Cup. I love the UK and the World Cup. Oh, oh, how I love to support the UK and the World Cup. How Scotland and Wales and England all come together to really unite the kingdom to support us throughout the footballing World Cup, through the soccer world cup. Well, because our favourite chant in football is like goal, Britain, yeah. You gotta score a goal. You put it in the net, and other teams frickin' are on a roll away from my home because they're such a. No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, you wrestled it. You wrestled it. You stuck the landing, then you did another forward roll, but you twisted your ankle at the end. That's the T. That's the T, sis. Do not reheat those nachos. Lady Gargar's boots. Um, yeah, so that is obviously dreadful. And then it just then says more chance, where it's just twist and shout the Beatles. So it's just sing twist and shout. Twist and shout.
SPEAKER_03Twist and shout. Come on, come on, come on, now baby. Is it that?
SPEAKER_02Come on, baby. I guess it's but why is that their charm? I I don't know. Well, I mean, you know, I do get the idea that you don't have to sing football puns in a song for it to be good. Yeah, but why but why that? Why have they got the B channel? I don't know. I don't think that's a that's good that's a good because they're Britain's very own. Surely. Um they saved our asses in World War II. And then everywhere we go, people wanna know. And then uh right at the bottom, if you're not loud and we lose, it's on you. That's weird. This is the most insane, psychotic, cringe little sheet I've ever seen. I love that they're trying. I should get out there. I love that they're trying. And make it. However, it's so funny what their what their trying leads to. I I yeah. I wonder what they chanted when they lost to Belgium. That's what I want to see. I need to have a look at the post-game considerations. In like the 80th minute. Well, fuck these guys, I'm out of here. Fuck them. Because I prefer baseball. They were like, oh, I imagine they did do that. Like, I prefer baseball. I saw a tweet.
SPEAKER_01I saw a tweet that was like, um, one reason that Americans don't care about soccer and why our sports are better is that there are guaranteed like I saw this of plays.
SPEAKER_03Something will happen. Yeah, there's checkpoints. And I was like, oh, that's so wrong. That's so wrong. The beauty of football, the beauty of football, everybody, is that it's shit for 88 minutes, and you're like, why have I signed up to this? This is outrageous. And then out of nowhere, the ball falls to your left back. You're old, he's he's 38, he's been in out of the squad, he's probably a bit racist, but he takes one sweet strike of his left boot, his right footed, from outside the box, and you're thinking, Why have you fucking shot? Oh, and the wheeled it's in. And then you go, Oh my god!
SPEAKER_02I found the tweet. The reason why soccer's not a thing in America is because it's entertainment payoff distribution has a mode near zero. You can sit through 90 minutes and the modal outcome is nothing fucking happens. American sports solved this with guaranteed event frequency. E.g., baseball gives you a discrete resolution every 30 seconds. So basically nothing fucking matters. And American football every play. The floor is high even when the ceiling is low. While soccer is a lottery ticket, you occasionally get Mexico, England. Otherwise, you get the snooze fest that was Portugal versus Spain. And I think is I think their final think-hole summarizes the issue. While soccer is a lottery ticket, you occasionally get Mexico England, right? So but people don't fantasize about them getting their yearly paycheck. Their monthly paycheck is American sports, right? That is a payoff every month that you get money and you know it's coming, and you know there's gonna be a resolution every 30 days you're going to get paid. Okay. People don't fantasize about that. They fantasize about winning the lottery. Which is what they have said soccer is. Which, therefore, in their own metaphor, means that soccer is better. It's the thing that people fantasize about.
SPEAKER_03Soccer is better, it's the thing we fantasize about. Yeah, it's it's it's it's sad, but then this person probably loves basketball and likes the glitz and the glamour, and and good for person, you know?
SPEAKER_02Good for person. Can't we all just get along? It's a sad little like mindset, I think, of an American, not all American hashtag not all Americans.
SPEAKER_01Hashtag not all Americans.
SPEAKER_02This American fan of being like, I can't possibly care about something unless somebody wins in some way every 30 seconds by a number changing somewhere. Because there are mini micro wins in amongst a game of football. There are uh your free kicks, there are uh brilliant uh dribbles, there are fantastic talent. There are things that are happening all the time. There are shit football matches. Like Portugal, Spain was dire and that was awful.
SPEAKER_03And yet, if you're Spanish, when you look back at it in five years' time, what are you gonna be thinking about? Are you gonna be thinking, aren't that game is off, or are you gonna be thinking, oh my god, the 92nd minute winner we got from our sub that hasn't scored a goal in six months.
SPEAKER_02First time, beat the damn Iberians in Portuguese or whatever. That's what you remember.
SPEAKER_03That is what you remember.
SPEAKER_02The Iberian derby.
SPEAKER_03Yep, yep.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so that person uh is an idiot. Which is good. Uh we got a few comments, cool, Carl. That's what I'm saying. I'm sure people have told us or told us that we're idiots.
SPEAKER_03Let's go through the uh comments of the week and then we'll bugger off, I think. Okay. Uh I sent you this. So uh thank you everybody. You've been leaving us comments on um on everywhere, really, on TikTok and on Instagram, which has been big, and on YouTube as well. Uh and some of our favourites for this week, I'm just trying to make it full screen, doop-doo-doo, is uh Oh My Hesnes on YouTube in response to us moaning about Noah Khan, said, I hate gig prices. It hits small bands the most because you used to be able to hear a new up-and-coming band, buy a ticket for a tenor based on that one song you like, and if you didn't like the rest of their stuff, it was no biggie. Now it's 30 quid minimum, and I just can't throw that away on a gig I might not like.
SPEAKER_02Very, very fair. Again, completely fair. I think for me, if you're doing like a gig that costs like 120 quid, genuinely do what the Food Fighters did, which was the best gig of my life, where they were on for three hours. They did 27 songs, and there were two warmer packs. If I wanted to, I could have been there for seven hours listening to live music. That's how that's a 120 pound ticket. A festival is like 200 and whatever quid for two days or something, I'm assuming roughly that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's about 250 quid for about I think because I've got the early ticket, and that's like Wednesday, which has fewer bands, but still one or two, and Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday, then you leave Sunday morning, and you can get your own food and all your own drink, just no class, and then you've also got stands and stuff. It's really good.
SPEAKER_02That makes sense, and that's like you're getting so much more for your money. You're spending more, but you're getting a lot more. I completely agree about the gig thing. I think something that's good about smaller gigs, at least from now up in Liverpool and Manchester, you can get tickets to see, like we saw Mumford and Sons, intimate gig, 25 quid for a ticket, and you get a CD. That's amazing. Yeah, I think they do it for CD sales because they're gonna claim it on paths. Yeah, yeah. No, then no, then they can say we got the number one album in the UK this week for CD sales, but it's because they toured that week and every ticket came with a CD.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's like us saying that, oh, we got 400,000 views last month.
SPEAKER_01It's because you put 400.
SPEAKER_02Shorts.
SPEAKER_04400 shorts in shorts.
SPEAKER_02Uh do you want to read um Mashe 1140's comment or do one each? Not really. It says, I have a friend who would eat peanuts with the shell. There you go. Was your friend a chimpanzee? Long arms did he have. There's a little monkey fella. Yeah, that's outrageous. What so in the little peanut cocoon, you just eat the whole thing. I guess so, yeah. Because is it a monkey nut when it's like in the shell? Oh, it becomes a peanut. And then the peanut is inside the monkey nut. I don't know if they're like different species of peanut butter.
SPEAKER_01So technically, a peanut doesn't have a shell. A monkey nut is a shell. But a peanut doesn't have a.
SPEAKER_02I wouldn't like to do a well actually here, because I don't know. I don't want a well actually the work. Actually, a peanut doesn't have a shell.
SPEAKER_03Uh Juho Lay says, some say that you're supposed to eat the kiwi fruit with the hairy skin on. I'm not sure if you're allowed to shave it at least if you're not allowed to peel it.
SPEAKER_02I want my kiwi to have full bush. Mate, next week we should do a few. An 80s kiwi. We should do a kiwi test. Which level of kiwi is best? Full bush, shaven, or maybe we add hair to it. Maybe we like it. We roll it in glue and then like shave our pubes onto it and then eat it. Only each others, only each other's. DRL, arz guacamole is shit.
SPEAKER_01So that was on our guacamole shot of me saying that it's nature's flavour suppressor.
SPEAKER_03Well, I mean, uh DRL, RCK, and indeed myself weren't speaking for the people because Lanea Hawkins on Instagram said, makes you want to go get guacamole to prove you wrong.
SPEAKER_01I literally came home and told you how it jazzed up my otherwise bland lunch just the other day. And then a few emojis of Limes and uh chilies, thank you, Lana Hawkings, and then I'll just do the second one, you can because it's doing this one. Uh this is Evan B, said something similar.
SPEAKER_02This might be the single most upsetting thing I've ever heard in my life. So I've not on the people over with my guacalogy. You've not at all, no, because it's bad and a stupid opinion. Just the press of the flavor, unfortunately. You've got the thing is you don't describe food well, nor do you describe it very eating stuff normal. I do eat stuff, no true, chocolate bars. Yeah, I'll give you a big one. You eat stuff repulsively.
SPEAKER_01I ate uh the other day I came up from the shops and I got a king-sized Twix, and not only did I not care if I got right or left Twix first, I I basically eat it like a burrito, uh like a s not like a burrito, because you eat any of those.
SPEAKER_03You don't choose sideways caramel. I like it.
SPEAKER_02Rip by bit. Eat that bit by bit, and then turn the short bread vertical, and then eat the shortbread. That's genuinely horrible. Okay, I'll bring remind me. I'll bring that to a challenge.
SPEAKER_01Comments, remind me to bring a chocolate bar. Snickers are the same, you eat the nougaro off first, and then you eat the bottom bit. Double deckers are the same. You eat it in less.
SPEAKER_02They're all the pieces that are there to be eaten together. I agree. I agree, and yet. But you don't. I'm gonna have to drop No, I know, I agree objectively, and yet. I'm gonna have to drop a big fat and yet. Uh Riley Sylvester, it's so weird seeing them outside of a Rocket League broadcast. I was low-key expecting it to be a Rocket League song too over the C Bat.
SPEAKER_03That was the Sea Bat, which thank you so much, anyone who's seen that on Instagram, got. I'm just checking now how many views it got in the end, because it was shooting up like my dad. Uh, is currently as live on 84,000 views.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_03So we are close to our first ever 10 follows. Okay. And we've got 10 follows from that, yeah, exactly. So if you uh if you aren't following us on Instagram, make sure you go do that and go drop that a watch, watch it thrice and uh do some interactivity with that.
SPEAKER_02Uh but apparently the rest of the CBAT playlist is even funnier from Tree Fish. There's a song in there that has a spring boinging and some guy coughing in the background every few seconds after the drop. The issue is we got that entire video got claimed and restricted on YouTube because YouTube are pussies. So even though we're not monetized, it still got claimed and restricted. So that that podcast went out to nobody, basically, uh, which is tough. So we can't really listen to any more of them. Oh, which I'm so sad about.
SPEAKER_01I'd love to go through those. Maybe we can for a short at some point, a standalone short without comment. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, everybody, that is all we've got time for on today's episode of officially.
SPEAKER_02Unofficially.
SPEAKER_03Uh the best podcast on the internet. Uh, make sure you drop a like, make sure you drop a subscribe, all those things, leave some comments, and just keep us wanting to keep this thing alive because we really enjoy making them, and hopefully you guys are enjoying them too.
SPEAKER_02Thanks, team. Bye, pricks.