Why You Feel Smaller After Certain Conversations (And What It Means)

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling smaller than when you walked in? 

Not because someone yelled…
 but because something about the interaction felt off—and you couldn’t quite explain why. 

In this episode of Wellness Within Her, Jeri shares a vulnerable and relatable story about recognizing when a conversation or opportunity that once felt exciting slowly becomes uncomfortable, misaligned, or emotionally draining. 

You’ll learn how to:
 ✔ Recognize subtle power dynamics in conversations and relationships
 ✔ Understand the difference between curiosity and evaluation
 ✔ Stop over-explaining yourself and start trusting your voice
 ✔ Identify when something feels “off” — and what to do next
 ✔ Build discernment and confidence in midlife relationships 

If you’ve ever found yourself questioning your voice, explaining who you are, or leaving conversations feeling drained or smaller—this episode will help you trust your intuition and choose spaces that truly support you. 

Thanks for being here on Wellness Within Her. Remember, this chapter matters, your story matters, and the wellness God placed within you is enough. If you’d like to explore personal growth, healing, and purpose with me one on one, you can connect with me at lakeshorelifecoach.com.  Behind every smile is a woman carrying a weight she shouldn’t have to bear—let’s speak honestly, share vulnerably, and lift that weight together.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to Wellness Within Her, the place where we talk about emotional and physical and spiritual parts of our life that women in midlife are actually navigating. So it's not polished. My podcast is never a polished version, it's the real version. So I'm Jerry Molo, I'm a certified life coach, and today I want to talk about something that I think almost every woman has experienced at some point in her life. So it's that strange moment when you walk away from a conversation and think, why do I suddenly feel smaller than when I walked in? And sometimes I like to say, Why do I feel the ick? Like no one yelled at you, no one insulted you, no one called you a name or anything, and yet somehow your confidence just shrank a little during the interaction. And you find yourself like replaying the conversation in your head later, you know, the replay, like driving in the car, standing in the shower, brushing your teeth, and suddenly your brain goes, Wait a second, why was I explaining my entire personality to somebody? I barely know. Today we're gonna talk about that kind of moment and the moment someone tries, intentionally or unintentionally, to make you feel small, and more importantly, how to recognize it, how to discern it, and then how to move forward without shrinking who you are. So let me start by saying something pretty important. Situations like this usually don't start badly. In fact, they often start with someone that feels something that feels really exciting. Like maybe somebody tells you they see something really special in you. Maybe someone invites you like into an opportunity, or maybe someone compliments your work, your voice, your looks, your experience. And at first it feels wonderful because you know you can feel seen and you can feel honored and you feel like someone recognizes something about you that's special. And most women, especially women who care deeply about people, they receive that with openness. You know, we're gonna lean in, we're gonna assume good intentions, we show up with curiosity and goodwill. But sometimes as time goes on, little things begin to happen. Small moments that make you tilt your head kind of slightly, like the dogs do, right? And think, hmm, that was interesting. Like not bad, just interesting. Maybe a comment, a question, maybe it's a tone. And at first you're gonna brush it off because you know what, you're an adult and you assume people are upgrading from a good place, but then another moment happens, and then another, and eventually you find yourself thinking, why do I feel like I'm defending myself in a situation where I didn't do anything wrong? Like there's a specific moment when the dynamic changes changes, and it's usually subtle, it's the moment when a conversation stops feeling like curiosity, and it's gonna start feeling like an evaluation, like an interrogation. You know, the difference, like curiosity sounds like tell me more about that, but an evaluation sounds like why do you think that? Because curiosity invites you to share who you are, what you love, how you grow, how you feel. Evaluation invites you to prove yourself. Why are you asking that, thinking that, feeling that? It's and it's in judgment, not in gaining like more knowledge of you. That's it eliminates curiosity. And when that shift happens, something interesting begins to occur because you start explaining yourself more than usual, you start clarifying things that normally wouldn't need clarification, and you start defending values you've held your entire life. And suddenly a conversation that should feel natural starts feeling like a test. And here's one of the most important things I've learned about these moments. Healthy people are curious about you. Controlling people evaluate and interrogate you. That one sentence alone can change how you understand so many different interactions in your life because curiosity expands connection. Evaluation creates a higher hierarchy. So I had this happen many times, but one time in particular just comes to my mind. And it started off with someone approaching me out of admiration and respect, and even started as what I thought was an opening to a possible friendship. We we did not know each other at all. Conversations were complimentary to both parties, it was fun, it was easy, it was caring. We didn't have a ton in common, but that doesn't always mean I'm not gonna have a friendship with them. My first sign of the ick was you know what? She doesn't want to know about my life because she acts like she already knows me. And she doesn't, she doesn't know me. So when things got real and I got curious, she started evaluating me. So things were said a few months in, like, you need to tone down your cure your Christianity, it makes me uncomfortable. Makes actually she said it makes other people uncomfortable. Didn't say it made her, you know, like she would say, say universe instead of God. And I know how you feel about subject X, Y, Z already. And I'm like, no, you don't. We've never even talked about this. And something that struck me really deeply was her need for me to go and get a degree. She would say, you need a degree because people don't respect you because of it. You're not going to get life coaching clients, or you're not going to have this business or that business because you don't have a degree. And on and on. And they were painful moments, and those things led to me at first defending myself and saying things like, That's not who I am. Here is who I am. This is who I love, and this is what I stand for. And then I said, like, I would never ask someone to say God instead of universe if they feel comfortable saying universe. So don't ask me to do the same. I'm not going to change how I say God. So all while, you know, unintentionally, it was tearing myself down, questioning if I was, you know, the sensitive one. Or maybe this needs to be one of those aha moments, you know, but all I felt was icky, like an oh no moment, not an aha moment. So one of the fascinating things about these types of experiences is that our bodies usually recognize the shift sometimes before our minds do. Because my body noticed tension, my stomach tightened, that's where I get the ick. My shoulders stiffened, my brain started scanning, like looking for the right answers if I was gonna say something wrong. And sometimes I even would leave conversations feeling slightly unsettled without being able to really explain why. And then sometimes later that night or the next day, your mind begins to replane that interaction. And that's often the moment when clarity really begins to emerge. Because the body is very good at recognizing misalignment, sometimes faster than logic, actually. And the longer we ignore those signals, the more we start shrinking ourselves to adapt to the environment. So, first, here's an important part of this. You know, why does this happen? Because when women experience this dynamic, they often assume that they did something wrong. But many times the dynamic has very little to do with you. Sometimes it has to do with someone who has control, or someone, sometimes it has to do with insecurity, or it has to do with someone wanting to maintain authority in a space because there are two very different kinds of leadership in the world, okay? There are leaders who want to be collaborators, and leaders who want followers. Now, collaborators are going to be asking the questions, followers just simply agree with the leader. Collaborators want to bring ideas to the team and to the leader, but followers bring affirmation to the leader. And when someone expects followers but encounters a collaborator, the dynamic can become very uncomfortable very quickly. The ick radar goes to like a 10. Because again, if leaders want followers, or if I say, like a leader who wants people to just drink the Kool-Aid, right? Here's the Kool-Aid, just drink it. Then a follower is just gonna drink the Kool-Aid. But a collaborator is gonna ask, How did you make the Kool-Aid? I'd love to know how Kool-Aid is made. You know, what about this flavor inspires you? And is the Kool-Aid in our budget, right? Again, because there are leaders who want collaborators, and there's leaders who want followers, the Kool-Aid drinkers. Collaborators get curious, they ask questions. Followers simply just agree. Again, the collaborators bring ideas, and the followers bring affirmation. So there's a very clear sign that something in the interaction has changed, and that's the moment you're gonna start trying to explain yourself. It's the moment when you realize you're explaining things about yourself that have never needed explanation before. Like you don't have to explain your values, you don't have to explain your experience or your voice. And then suddenly the connect or the conversation isn't about connection anymore, it's about justification. And here's one of the most powerful insights I really want to share with you today. If you find yourself explaining who you are more than expressing who you are, something in the room is off. I'm gonna say that again. If you find yourself explaining who you are, more than just expressing who you are, something in the room is off. And that sentence alone has helped so many women recognize misalignment in relationships, workplaces, friendships, and even family dynamics. Because healthy spaces don't require you to constantly explain yourself, healthy spaces allow you to be understood through conversation. That's the shrinking effect, right? One of the most subtle dangers of these interactions is what I call that the shrinking effect. At first, it's small. Maybe you speak a little less, you soften your opinions, you choose your words more carefully, or you begin editing yourself. And eventually you might even start wondering if you should tone down parts of who you are, that you should tone down your experience, you should tone down your voice, you should tone down your confidence. But here's the truth that midlife I think teaches us so beautifully. The right spaces in your life will never require you to become smaller in order to belong. I'm gonna repeat that one again, too. The right spaces in your life will never require you to become smaller in order to belong. The right spaces in your life expand you. They welcome your voice. They are curious about your experience and your life. They don't ask you to shrink your light so that someone else become become can become brighter or feel brighter. They don't question your feelings or your truths, they literally embrace them with curiosity and just true connection. That's the turning point. Because eventually there comes that moment of clarity, and that moment usually arrives quietly. I wish it was dramatically, but it's not. It's not dramatically, it's not angrily, it's just a quiet realization, like this isn't a line for me. Or as I like to say, I'm feeling the yuck, I'm feeling the ick and the yuck and everything around it. And that's the realization that's just so incredibly powerful because once you see it, you can't unsee it. You can recognize the pattern, you can recognize the dynamic, and suddenly the opportunity that once felt exciting can start looking very different, and that's the beautiful part. Because you're able to walk to like step away from something that isn't aligned. Guess what? You don't feel regret, you feel relief. And relief is one of the clearest emotional indicators that your intuition was correct. When the ick presents itself again, it's so incredible that your body and mind can say, Oh, hell no, been there, done that, right? That's when your body and your mind feel discernment. And one of the gifts of midlife is discernment. Can I get an amen from all the 50s and 60s, something's out there? It is, it's discernment. When you're younger, we sometimes stay in spaces because we want to be chosen. We want approval, we want opportunity. Who doesn't? But as we grow, something shifts. We begin trusting our inner voice more than the external validation. We begin recognizing patterns faster. I think my inkmeter has gotten better, and we become much more willing to say, uh no, this isn't for me, and that it's not failure, that it's wisdom. That discernment is so important. So, how do I start living this out? Right? The one thing I like to help women with is naming it, but don't override it, right? Because one of the simplest things you can start doing is this. When you start, when you feel that shift in your body, like don't override that. Just quietly name it for yourself. Like, just say to yourself, something feels off right now. You don't have to solve it, you don't have to explain it, just acknowledge it because you're you're trusting your body instead of dismissing it. So when you're in those situations, kind of like the one I explained, and something hits you wrong with what somebody said, I don't come back and go, what the hell did you mean by that? I just listen to my body and go, huh. Yeah, that didn't feel very good in my body. Something feels off right now. I'm not gonna solve it, I'm not gonna talk back to it. I just want to acknowledge that if this becomes a pattern, I'm going to trust my body and not dismiss this. The next part is pausing the performance. So, what I mean by that is if you notice yourself starting to explain who you are. Pause. You don't need to perform your worth in real time. You can take a breath, you can slow down, and simply say less. Remember explaining versus expressing, it is such a powerful tool. So if you start noticing that you start explaining who you are and you're able to pause, I can't tell you the security and the safety it builds within myself. So in that moment when someone said, You should tone down your Christianity, and I started explaining, well, this is what I really believe, and this is what I, you know, I really believe that God is navigating every part of my life, and I want to have him join in every conversation because I give him all the praise and glory. If I have to say all that, I don't think that person really knows me. I think I'm performing. I don't have to explain that to them. God already knows it. Explaining versus expressing. So, one of the other things I like to do is returning to neutral instead of defending. So you don't have to defend yourself in every conversation. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just return to neutral, and that does sound like a pause, but something simple, if you just want if you feel like, oh, I still have to say something, a simple that's an interesting perspective, and then stop talking. This is gold because it actually gives you a respectful response. Oh, that's an interesting perspective, and say it with a smile. Going to neutral instead of defending can help you gain that security and safety within your own body again. Checking the energy like after and not just the words. So after a conversation, instead of saying, you know, asking yourself, well, what did they mean by that, right? You think in your head, like, okay, let me do an autopsy on what they have to say over and over and over again. You can ask yourself, how did I feel in that interaction? So, not what did they mean? Because then you're gonna go down the assumption train track, and I'm telling you, there's just gonna be a big collision with that. But if you just focus on your body and say, how did I feel in that interaction? So, why is that important? Because your body is gonna tell you the truth faster than your thoughts will. Checking our energy, it's gonna reinforce that body awareness. So, when I say like your body tells you the truth faster than your thoughts will, I can tell you when you're standing in line and you're late for something, and you just, you know, you're tapping your foot and it's hurry, hurry, hurry, your whole entire body is tense. Even before your thoughts go, come on, will somebody freaking move? Right? Your body's already reacted. So again, your body's gonna tell you the truth faster than your thoughts will. The need for immediate clarity is something I thought was super important, but you actually don't need immediate clarity, and that gives you so much more safety. Sometimes you won't have clarity in the moment, and that's okay. Discernment often happens later. That discernment happens in the quiet, in the replay, in the reflection, in your prayers. Discernment happens when you quiet yourself, not in the moment. So give yourself permission to process instead of deciding immediately. And I want you to know when you do this, when you implement this into your life, it relieves pressure. And isn't that sound like a beautiful one week vacation somewhere else? Relieves the pressure that you don't have to decide right now. Discernment can happen later. And then if something feels off and you don't, you know, you don't need a big confrontation, I kind of like to call them micro boundaries in the moment. Because a micro boundary can sound like I'm still figuring out how I feel about that. Or your response can be that doesn't quite resonate with me, and this is huge, right? It's the practical, it's the doable. That's the stuff that really is important for us to have in those moments, those micro boundaries. The next part is tracking relief, not just logic. So you can say when you step away from something, you know, and you feel relief, just pay attention to that. Just say that to yourself. I'm just gonna pay attention to that. Relief is often your body saying, That that was the right move. Oh, that felt much better. Kind of almost for me, it makes me feel like, oh, now I'm centered. Now my heart feels a little bit more rested. So when you step away from something and you feel that relief, pay attention to that. Tell yourself, oh, I'm gonna pay attention to that. So we talked in the beginning. If you ever walked away from a conversation feeling smaller than when you walked in. That was the beginning line. And I want you to know something about those moments. That feeling matters. That you walked away from a conversation feeling smaller than when you walked in. Your intuition matters because your voice matters, you matter. And you're never required to shrink who you are in order to stay in the room. I don't care who's in the room. Sometimes the most powerful moment in a woman's life isn't when she's chosen, it's when she realizes she is free to choose for herself. And sometimes that choice is to simply walk away. I'm giving you that permission. I just want to thank you for spending time with me today and listening to this podcast. And if this something in here resonated with you, or if you know someone else who would love to hear this episode of our pod of my podcast, please share this with them. It would really mean the world to me. And if you ever want to dive in further into this, this is a tough, tough subject. And I'm telling you, it can be so freeing to walk through this and be able to implement this into your life because integration is the only way that we can actually have change, is to integrate it. All the knowledge in the world isn't going to do anything until you integrate it. So go to lakeshore lifecoach.com. I offer a free clarity session. Totally free. It's the way that we start integrating your heart into your life, and I would love that opportunity just to sit and talk with you and be able to see if we'd even want to work together. So again, thank you so much. Remember that powerful moment when you realize you can choose to be free and you can choose to simply walk away because no one should make you feel small. You're not small. Never in God's eyes, and to the people that truly want to be with you and love you. Take care and we'll see you soon.