After the Fight: How to Calm Down, Stop Overthinking & Reconnect in Your Relationship

Conflict is a natural part of every relationship—but knowing how to come back from it is what creates strength, connection, and growth.

In this episode of Wellness Within Her, Jeri Mallow shares 7 practical and emotionally grounded ways to navigate the aftermath of a difficult argument with your spouse or a loved one.

Blending real-life experience, nervous system regulation techniques, and faith-based insight, Jeri walks you through how to calm your body, shift your mindset, and reconnect in a healthier way—without making decisions in a triggered state.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed after a fight, unsure what to say, or stuck in emotional cycles, this episode will give you simple, effective tools to come back to yourself and your relationships.

🎯 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why you shouldn’t make decisions after a heated argument
• How your nervous system impacts conflict and connection
• Simple techniques to calm your body and regulate your emotions
• The difference between healthy space and emotional distance
• How to reconnect with your partner after conflict
• Why conflict doesn’t define your relationship

Thanks for being here on Wellness Within Her. Remember, this chapter matters, your story matters, and the wellness God placed within you is enough. If you’d like to explore personal growth, healing, and purpose with me one on one, you can connect with me at lakeshorelifecoach.com.  Behind every smile is a woman carrying a weight she shouldn’t have to bear—let’s speak honestly, share vulnerably, and lift that weight together.

Transcript

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Have you ever had one of those fights where afterwards you just sit there and you think, What just happened? Like your heart is racing, and maybe your thoughts are spinning and you're replaying every single word. And part of you like wants to fix it, and part of you wants to just shut down completely, right? I've been there. If you've been there, this episode is for you. My name is Jerry Malo, and this is Wellness Within Her. And today we're going to talk about what happens after the fight. So we're not going to talk about how to avoid it. We're not going to talk about how to win it as much as I want to, but how to come back from it. Because conflict is part of every relationship, but staying stuck in it doesn't really have to be. So before we fix anything, we just really need to understand something. Our nervous system gets activated after a fight. So you're not calm, you're not clear, you're probably not rational, you're definitely feeling more triggered, more reactive, um, more overwhelmed. But you can't repair a relationship from a regulated place if your body is still in like a survival mode situation. So step one is really to stop fixing the relationship. It is. It's actually about calming your body. So the first part I want to talk about is after a fight, no decisions need to be made. And this one is absolutely huge because after a fight, your brain is saying things like, you know, this relationship isn't working and I'm done, right? I'm done. We we need to figure this out right now, and and I need you to do, you know, X, Y, Z. No, no, no, no, no, no. No big decisions in a triggered state. Because a triggered mind creates kind of permanent decisions for your temporary emotions. And our emotions, I always say our emotions are like the weather, and I'm from Wisconsin, so yeah. No joke, this week we had 84 degree weather, and today I think we're gonna be lucky if it hits 54. So just like the weather, everything can change, and our emotions are the same exact way. So say this to yourself: there's no decisions right now. This will pass. And then the second part of it is once you get to that point where you're semi-regulated and you're remembering that this is the only reason I'm feeling this way is because this is the moment that I'm in right now. The next part is regulating your body. And I've talked about this regulation so much, but I believe women, especially I'm 54, I believe that so many of the women that I talk to and that I deal with, our first goal is to regulate our body first. And so many times we're in survival mode where literally people have said to me, I don't have time for this. You have to take time for this. Honestly, this is literally the most important step is regulating your body. This is where your real life tools come in. So, yes, it is deep breathing, it is slowing down your breathing. Sometimes my husband will do cold water on his face. I've heard if you hold ice cubes in your hand, for me, it's stepping outside. I also have talked many times, I love listening to just sound bath on Spotify, just something to calm me down. Go for a walk, practice those different calming regulation tools, like whatever works for you. But it's so important that your body has to feel safe before your heart can reconnect. And sometimes we are just completely used to feeling unsafe. That sometimes feeling safe and calm actually is what makes us agitated. So the next part is creating a space, not distance. So there's a difference between space and disconnection. Space is gonna say, like, I need a moment, so I don't say something super mean to you right now, right? In an argument, these are mostly the important spaces. The disconnection space says, I'm done with you. So during an argument, the healthy space is what's gonna protect the relationship, but distance is actually gonna punish it. It pushes it away. And I get it. So many of us, my hand is up right now, we're raised with conditional love. If you act like a good girl, then you will be good enough to receive my love. But if you do something wrong, love is gonna be withheld from you. And someone says, Do you think that was the goal of our parents? Absolutely not. I don't believe that was their goal. I believe it's what they were taught and they thought that's what worked. Kind of like that old saying where it's like if they would see a little boy crying, they'd want him to toughen up and not cry. Again, that healthy space protects relationship. But if you create distance, it's actually going to be punishing to the other person. The next part of making sure we're we're handling these fights differently is to stop replaying and to start grounding ourselves. Now, your brain is gonna want to replay it. What they said, what you said, what you should have said, right? I get this more than you understand. I tell myself and I tell my children and my husband all the time, I have a master's degree in this. I overthink it, I overanalyze it, and that's gonna solve my problem. That's why I say I have a master's degree in it. I have a master's degree in replaying and overthinking, overanalyzing, and all of it is the wrong answer. Instead, it's about getting present and grounding yourself. And so many times we feel safer in the future, replaying, reanalyzing, rethinking what we can say and keep going out into the distance of the what if, what if, when actually, if we get present and we ground ourselves by saying those things like, where am I feeling this in my body right now? I feel it in my chest, I feel it in my shoulders, I feel it in my throat, or wherever it wherever it is. And then I ask myself, like, name five things in the room that are blue, three things that are green, five things that are red, whatever it is. You know, sometimes it's what do I see right now? What do I hear? What do I touch? Those are the things that keep you present. Because if you're replaying thoughts in your head, where someone says they're on repeat, they just go and go and go and go, that actually keeps you in the fight. And you're just by yourself, and you're still in the fight. But grounding brings you out of it. Grounding keeps you present. The next part is about coming back to the experience, and coming back to the experience, it's not you come back, and I always say, sometimes I'll say to my husband, what did you come back with a laundry list of things of what to say? Coming back into the experience once you've grounded and and really made yourself feel safe and secure and and and uh definitely more present in your body. It's not if they come back with, well, you always and you never, then they didn't do their work and that's not under your control. So you need to make sure you're doing your work. So again, you're not coming back with saying, you always, you never, you're gonna come back and you're gonna be able to say, that hurt me. Like I felt overwhelmed. You're coming back to your own experience, your own part of the fight. Because connection happens when you're gonna actually stay in your own experience. You're not going to attack their experience. So I had a time when my husband, um, with my husband, and he said something, and it took me back to feeling unnurtured, uncared for, um forgotten, unthought of. That was a huge thing for me, or that maybe somebody didn't have my back, all the things, all the pain, all my broken heart. I had to come back to what was really going on. I had to come back to the experience. So instead of attacking what he said, like you always say that, and you never protect me, and you never, I had to share with him what I felt when he said that. Where I had heard that so many times before, and how that makes me feel now. I also shared, like, I know his heart was not in a place to hurt me so deeply, but it did hurt me. And that I know it wasn't intentional, but it also doesn't dismiss what I'm feeling. But I had to come back to my experience as a whole, and not that he's the only one that caused it. Because he didn't cause it, didn't start with him, it's not gonna end with him until I heal those other parts and can maturely express that to him. Seriously, even in a disagreement, bring it back. As I say, come back to my own experience and stop attacking him for his. So another part is remembering that this is not the whole relationship. So, in the middle of a conflict, right, my brain zooms in. It makes this moment feel like everything. But if I'm able to pause and remember, this is one moment, this is not the whole story, it's not gonna, it I don't let that one hard moment kind of rewrite the entire relationship. So it can go back to somewhat of that overthinking aspect a bit, because overthinking that this is the end of the relationship, and all the other times it ended up in this fight, right? Because that's what that cycle is. It can feel like this moment is the entire relationship. So I'm gonna say that again. Just breathe, breathe, because this is not the entire relationship. So it can go back to overthinking that this is the end of the relationship, and that all the other times it ended up in this exact fight, it can feel like this moment is that entire relationship. So I'm sure you've heard it before. I call it black and white thinking. A lot of people do, but black and white thinking will get you into that same cycle as a fight. But now it's actually with yourself, you're actually in a fight with yourself because your brain has that zoomed-in effect where your brain took a sliver of wood and said, Oh no, oh no, this isn't a sliver, this is the whole sheet of plywood. But it's not, it's just a sliver, and that doesn't dismiss how much it hurts right now. I get it, but please focus, ground yourself, and remember, I'm just looking at a sliver, I'm not looking at the entire piece of plywood. I think one of the most important parts is being able to reconnect gently after a fight, not forcing it, not scripted, but honestly, to me, it's a part that I can really say it created a love for me because I'm feeling that I'm being respectful to someone else, and that creates like, you know what, I've got this. I love myself enough to treat someone else with love, even if I'm not being treated with love, but it's something simple like, oh, I don't like the way how that went, right? I I want us to be okay. Can we try that again? And again, only talk about your experience and how it made you feel, not attacking his. Because repair doesn't require some type of perfection, it's not gonna require some big hallmark movie moment where we all come back and everybody's happy. It requires willingness, just willingness, and honestly, sometimes it takes this statement. I have come back, said I need to remove myself from this argument. I come back and I literally look at my husband, I go, What the hell was that? We got off track so fast and furious, I don't want to do that ever again. Sometimes that's what it takes. What the hell was that? And I'm not saying that he did it. I'm saying, what the hell was that? What did we just do? Being willing to just hit the pause button and then know, you know what? This isn't us. We were not meant to destroy each other. We were meant to connect, and we're not doing that. So now that you can pause, you're gonna regulate your body, you're gonna create that space, and then you're gonna come back together with your own experience, which are super important pieces. There's one more piece that really matters. What do we do with what was said? Because let's be honest, sometimes words are said that are said in anger, they just don't disappear. They don't disappear from my mind, and I don't think I'm the only one. So in the middle of a fight, you know, words can come out that are you know sharper than they're meant, deeper than I think we realize, and more painful than I think we intended. And I'm just gonna be honest, they're shitty, right? They're just painful and shitty, and we can't just move forward by pretending this is fine, this is totally fine, because your body knows it. It knows it wasn't fine. Your heart tells you that, your faith in God tells you that because you don't heal a relationship by ignoring the impact, you actually heal it by gently acknowledging it. Right? I'm gonna say that again. You don't heal a relationship by ignoring the ignoring the impact, you heal it by gently acknowledging it. And this this is truly where a lot of my clients go wrong. My life coaching clients and myself, myself. They think, well, let's just move on. I don't need to bring it up again. I've talked it through with you, Jerry. I've talked it through with you. I don't need to talk it through with him or her again, like right. That that creates disconnection. That's not healing. And I get the power of, hey, you know what? I've learned how to just let something go. I get that. I don't use that in my life. Instead of letting it go, I say I'm giving it space because the space is safe. The space needs to heal. The space means I'm not dismissing my pain. And sometimes saying I'm not gonna bring it up to him again is maybe just because we're upset about the result that we can't control what he's going to say. But if you come back with your own experience, at least you got it off your chest. And sometimes if you're in a relationship where it doesn't feel safe to do that, you can do that in your journal. But it's still important to not create disconnection. Instead, we have to move towards each other. So, what does that sound like, right? Sometimes after an argument, when I need to come back and um, this is not rehashing. I'm I'm coming back and I'm saying, you know what? Like that conversation didn't feel good to me. I know it didn't feel good for you, right? Or something that was said really stuck with me. And, you know, I want us to be okay, but I need to talk through this part because you know what? Your words hurt me. Avoiding the hard parts doesn't protect the relationship, it actually slowly erodes it. And this is where maturity comes in. And I'm gonna tell you, there's very few people that are fighting dirty that are mature, right? The more we add maturity, the more the fight isn't dirty. So when maturity comes in, it's not, well, you said this and you said that. That's immaturity. But saying, I don't like how I showed up in that moment, that's not how I want to speak to you. That's ownership that's gonna soften the conversation faster than defensiveness ever will. And that doesn't mean you're bypassing what was said, you're able to again rejoin that experience of what you said hurt me. You know, maybe he said, I honestly think this is a swear word. I can't stand it when my husband goes, whatever, because my dad's favorite line was whatever. So it didn't matter if I said I don't really like dinner, whatever, but it could also be dad, you know, so and so broke up with me and broke my heart, and I'm so hurt. And he would say, Whatever, get over it. Words hurt, and being able to share that, hey, you know what, this used to hurt me when I was a kid, so when I hear you say that, all of those feelings come back. So ownership again is gonna soften a conversation so much faster than defensiveness ever will. And ownership sounds like I said this and boy, that was not okay. Right? I said the word whatever, and that's not okay. Repair is so when I said that, tell me how that made you feel. It makes me feel sad, and I get pissed, and I get disappointed. Not only at you, I get disappointed and hurt and pissed and sad at everyone who's ever told me that. And respond with ownership and repair is I'm so sorry my words did that to you. I really don't ever want you to feel those things. I want my words to make us better, not worse, right? How can I make this right? That is the most powerful thing you can do. And I know in the back of my head somebody's going, my husband would never talk to me like that. I'm not asking you to speak for him. Stay in your lane. I'm asking for you to do what you need to do. Because one of the most important things you can do is validate the impact of what your words have done. Even if you didn't intend it, and even if you don't receive validation in return. I didn't mean to hurt you like that, but I can see how that landed. Because here's the truth intent and impact are not the same, right? You can have good intentions and still cause real hurt. Because healing isn't one person fixing it, it's two people reconnecting. And I get that sometimes you might not feel the other person reconnecting yet. That's one of my new favorites, is the word yet. He's just not doing it yet. Focus on what you're doing. Healing. And what does that look like? When you're able to have a two person conversation where it's Where it's back and forth like that, you can say, How can we do this differently next time? And how can we do this differently next time isn't answered with, Well, if you just didn't talk to me that way, things would go better. Uh-uh. Again, you come from your own experience. How can we do this differently next time? Be able to say, I need to come with a clearer heart. I need to come with a calmer heart. I really jumped on you and I can see why that would hurt you, right? Or how about what do you need when we get into moments like this? Like when you see me get heated and kind of overwhelmed and really jumping on you for nothing. What do you need? And maybe his response is, I need you to just say, Oh my gosh, where did that come from? I didn't want to talk like that to you. I just, I'm gonna go take a couple of moments. Whatever it is that he needs, then do that next time. Do that next time because that's what's gonna big build the safety and the trust and the growth. Because a person's poor behavior isn't addressed by by them pointing out that your reaction to their poor behavior was the problem. Okay, do you get what I'm trying to like get with that? That's gonna bring the safety and the trust and the growth, is that just because a person's poor behavior isn't being addressed, like you're saying, well, I'm not, I want him to know what he's doing wrong. But when all that happens is he gets defensive and he points out that your reaction to their poor behavior is the only problem, it's not going to build the safety and the trust and the growth. Because healthy, healthy relationships aren't built on avoiding conflict, they're built on repairing it. And not everything is resolved in one conversation, and that's okay, right? Yet it's not resolving yet. Healing comes from rushing, or healing doesn't come from it like rushing past it, it comes from staying present in it. So if you're in a moment right now where words were said, hurtful words, and and feelings were deeply hurt, and things feel really, really tender in your relationship. You don't have to avoid it, you can actually move toward it. It has to be gentle, it has to be honest, and it has to be together. But you need to just do your part. Strong relationships aren't like the ones that avoid the hard moments, they're the ones that know how to repair and reconnect and come back stronger. And this is really where real life comes back into play because I've had these moments. I'm not preaching from the choir as if I don't know what I'm experiencing or you're experiencing. You know, when I've had moments where I'm beyond exhausted, I'm frustrated, and I'm done in my marriage. I've questioned every decision I've ever made sometimes in my marriage. And yes, many, many fights had me in moments where I decided to look into how I can live on my own. And I've also learned nothing good comes from trying to fix it when I'm in that state of mind. Nothing good. A huge fight-ending situation for me is personal awareness. So if my husband is, you know, off to the races, so to speak, in this argument, and I I've always tried to slow the race down and remind him of all the things we've learned and how far we've come and what we can overcome. I stop and I disengage now. Not to only stop the cycle, but I have to stop my part of the cycle, which is the fixer, the negotiator, the reminder, the voice of reason, right? And then I realized I'm trying to calm the situation down to provide peace to me by him being at peace. And that just sounds like horse hockey, right? If I disengage and create my own safe space, my own peace, and bring my own level of awareness and my own experience of what is mine to control and what is not, the cycle breaks. But if I'm staying in the cycle trying to get him to calm down and trying to have him have peace and trying to have him be logical and rational, I'm literally taking my part of the cycle. I'm in it. So a huge visual for me is to picture two columns, like almost two columns of a spreadsheet. And I truly do this when we're talking and I'm starting to feel it heated. I look at each column, and each column starts with parent, child, and adult. Just those three words in each column. So if someone in the argument says, you hurt my feelings, and I respond with, well, you hurt my feelings, I'm acting like a child. And if I say, well, your feelings are hurt, then you need to do XYZ, and we need to fix it, then I'm acting like a parent. But if I say, oh man, that that had to hurt. And I never want to hurt your feelings, but I did. And for that, I'm sorry. I am going to be more well aware of how I speak and be more self-aware of how what I say has a hurtful impact on you. Now I'm talking like an adult. So I can take those three words in the two columns, and I can take me as the first column and my husband as the second, and be able to visualize where am I coming from and where is he coming from? Because if I'm an adult talking to a child, I'm still going to disengage. If I am a parent talking to the second column, which is the child, that's still not going to work either. I have to make sure that we're both talking like adults before I engage in more conversations. So I also like the visual, like, if I see that I'm in child mode, maybe my husband's in paired mode again, we're both communicating, but we're in a destructive cycle. And again, only when we're both talking like adults can we be truly accountable and create repairs. Only then can we connect instead of fight. And I need to be transparent with you because I always am. I feel like when you're vulnerable, you make someone else feel like maybe you're not alone. Our fights have gotten so in the past have gotten so consistent and destructive in this part of the cycle where we are children talking to each other or a parent talking to a child, whatever it is. And I need you to know that we were such in a destructive cycle that my nervous system was like in survival mode 24-7. And I really didn't know how sick I was becoming, I'm talking physically sick, until I had no choice but to see it for myself. And a nervous system reset was imperative to heal my part of the cycle. And when I got that right in my body and in my heart and in my peaceful mind, not my overthinking mind, that's when I could stop my part of the cycle. So what I did again is no decisions right now. Walk outside, cold on my wrists or my face, do some type of a cold compress, deep breathing, quiet time, listen to quiet music, not engaging any further, literally disengaging. So I kind of truly picture myself as a pilot hitting that eject button. Sometimes it was three minutes into an uncomfortable conversation, and I had to eject. Keeping myself safe and emotionally secure is my number one goal. Entering these fights and leaving them. Don't calm, like you don't calm the conflict by thinking you're controlling the other person. You calm the conflict by regulating yourself emotionally and physically. That doesn't mean dismissing your feelings. It literally means engaging in your feelings. So if you're in the middle of a really hard moment right now and you don't like, I want you to know you don't need to fix everything today. You also don't need all the answers today. You just need to pause to breathe. Come back to your own experience. Because the strongest relationships aren't the ones that avoid the conflict. They're the ones that know how to come back from it. So if this episode helped you, I'm really asking that you share it with someone. Someone that you think might need it. And remember, you're not stuck. You're not stuck. This is just a moment. You're just in a moment, and moments pass, just like that cloud above you. It's gonna pass. And you are not alone. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate when I get to see all the different people from all the different parts of the world that are listening to this podcast. And I just ask you to keep your heart open and to keep yourself safe and to know you're not alone. Thank you so much.