Episode 10 : We Hate What We Were Taught To Be

Gay men survived the world telling them who they were was wrong. And some of them turned around and said the same thing to their own community. In this episode, Dorian gets into femme shaming, masc culture, drag, and the internalized homophobia we still haven't fully confronted — even with each other.

Transcript

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I want to talk about something that happens inside our own community that we don't really like to say out loud. The way gay men treat other gay men who are more feminine. How mask for mask somehow became a preference, but also kind of a weapon. And what it says about us that we survived the world rejecting us and then turned around and built a smaller version of that same rejection inside our own space. Welcome to Unbuttoned. I am Dorian. This is where we talk about the stuff people usually avoid. Let's get into it. So I want to start with something real. Because when people talk about discrimination inside the gay community, it gets abstract real fast. So let's make it simple. You open an app, and in someone's bio, someone who's gay, someone who knows what rejection feels like, you see mask only, no fams, no drama. And that no fams part just sits there. Like femininity is a flaw. Like it's something to filter out. Or you're at the bar, a drag queen is on stage, everyone's cheering, standing ovation, and then those same guys walk past a feminine dude and make a face. That's the contradiction. And it's not small, and it's not just a preference, it's something deeper than that. Because if you really look at it, it didn't come out of nowhere. A lot of gay men, especially the ones who present more masculine, grew up in a world that equated being gay with being feminine, and being feminine with being weak or a target. So a lot of guys spent years distancing themselves from anything feminine. Not because they hate it, but because they were taught that's the part that gets you hurt. That's the part people punish. And when you survive something by cutting part of yourself, you don't always know how to stop doing that. So when someone writes no fams, it's not always just a preference. A lot of the time it's I am not that. Don't associate me with that. But the irony is in doing that, you're doing to someone else exactly what was done to you. You survived rejection and then passed it on. That's not me attacking anyone, that's just something a lot of us haven't really looked at. And I think this shows up really clearly when it comes to drag. Because we celebrate drag on stage, we cheer, we clap, we call it art, which it is, but then in real life, a feminine guy walks by and it's suddenly uncomfortable. And it's like, which one is real? Because a lot of the people who fought for the rights we have were feminine, and now we benefit from that, but still distance ourselves from it. So the question becomes, too much for who? For us, or for the world we're still trying to be accepted by? Because sometimes it feels like we've gotten so focused on being palatable that we started pushing parts of our own community away to get there. And you see this the most with the apps, mask for mask, straight acting only, no fams. We've all seen it, and yeah, people say it's just a preference. And sure, attraction is complex, nobody owes anyone their desire, but there's a difference between having a preference and publicly declaring that a type of person is not even worth consideration. Because when you write no fams, you're not just filtering, you're telling someone you're less than, and that lends. Whether you meant it or not, it lends, especially when it's coming from inside the house. And here's the uncomfortable part. Some of that hyper-masculinity is a performance. Not all of it, but some of it. And it's exhausting. Because when you're that focused on never being seen as feminine, you lose access to other parts of yourself too. Softness, vulnerability, real connection. You build something to protect yourself and then got stuck in it. Meanwhile, the feminine guy you're rejecting, he didn't get to hide. He's been visible his whole life. He had to stand in who he is every single day. That's not weakness. If anything, that's a different kind of strength. So where does that leave us? This isn't about telling people who to be attracted to. It's about how we treat each other and whether we're willing to question where our preferences actually come from. Because sometimes it's not just attraction, sometimes it's shame. Just dressed up differently. And the truth is, this community was strongest when it actually included everyone. We we lose that the second we start ranking each other. And right now we're doing that a lot. So maybe the shift isn't about forcing attraction. Maybe it's just about not rejecting people so loudly. Letting people exist without turning them into something you need to distance yourself from. That's unbuttoned for today. If this made you think about something, and I'm sure it did, or recognize something in yourself, I genuinely want to hear it. Find me on Instagram, send me a message. And if you know someone who would feel seen hearing this, send it to them. That's the whole point. I'll see you next time. Stay unbuttoned.