E104: The Moment (In the After Pt2)

In this episode of AfterNow, I reflect on faith, transition, the quiet recognition of growth, and what it feels like to be in the middle of becoming and finally see it for what it is.

This is about trusting where you are, honoring what you feel, and recognizing when something within you has shifted… for real.

Because sometimes the moment isn’t about everything changing… it’s about you realizing that you already have.

Thank you for listening to AfterNow, a podcast by Congruent Learning.
These conversations are shared with care and offered as reflection, not resolution.

If something in this episode stayed with you, take the time you need.
 Carry only what’s yours.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

After Now is a podcast about what remains after hard things, the stories we carry, the lives we rebuild, and the alignment required to keep going. I'm Renee Washington. This is After Now. Lately I have been going through some serious transitions. And personally, professionally, and it's been a wild ride. There's been a lot of crying, there's been a lot of screaming sometimes, because of the crying, a lot of pushback, a lot of acceptance, a lot of receiving, and some more crying and yelling again, right? But this experience has been nothing short of beautiful. It has been a wonderful, wonderful experience. And I find myself with a bittersweet type of feeling. Like I'm happy because of the experience, but I'm also sad because I've learned so much, I've felt so much, I've grown so much, and because it was such a beautiful experience that I know it's coming to an end. And I'm sad about that. And I feel some type of way, and I don't know how to compartmentalize that. Maybe I don't need to. Maybe I need to feel all the things, right? A year ago, today, November 15, 2024, I prayed one of the biggest, boldest prayers that I could ever at that time. I don't think I ever had prayed in that way before. And I prayed, what I did was I wrote down this prayer because I wanted to remember it. And I had never done that before. But I wrote the prayer down. I then began walking around praying this prayer. And there's moments where like I was like complete call out to God. And when I was done, I took this prayer, I put it away, and I think I looked at it maybe one time over the next couple of months, and I hadn't opened it. About a week or two ago, I opened it and I reread it, and I realized everything that prayer was answered. One of them was answered figuratively, but it was not factually answered. It was removed from my life, and everything else on there was answered. And so the way things are going in my life right now, where I just surrendered and let go, and because I've done all I could do, I did the things, I cried, the tears, I screamed, I yelled, I was quiet, I was, I did everything I could. There's no doubt about it, I'm comfortable and confident, and I've done all that I could. And what was left to do, someone told me that I should pray about letting go. And at the time, I was like, yeah, I probably should do that. But I didn't think anything of it. And this was a couple months ago. And when I did that prayer, over the next couple of days, I mean, things began moving again. But back to this experience that I've been going through, it's like a you know, transformation or return to self as I call it, but nonetheless a transformation because uh where I was is not where I am now. Hallelujah. However, I know there's things that are that feel different. There are things that I am hearing, there are things I'm feeling. And when I say hearing, it's more of like a knowing, you're feeling your intuition, your discernment, right? But there was a moment where it's like, I don't even know if I should trust that. Because I had spent so much time sleep, motionless, right? But I now know that I've been ready for some time. And things have been in motion. God has been putting things in motion for the last four years. And when looking back, I have the data, like, because I've I written out, that's just like my personality. I wrote each piece out because I just couldn't believe now that I began to pay attention, I just could not believe that, oh yeah, all these things are connected, all these things are aligned, right? I remember when I first moved here, and I didn't know why I wanted to move here, but something kept pulling me to move here, and I didn't know why, but it was like, oh no, you're gonna move here, you're gonna do this, you're gonna do that, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And the minute I got here, it was just one thing after the next. There was so much pain, there was so much turmoil, there was, you know, a lot of sadness, a lot of uh continued sadness on top of that. But there was a lot of, there was a lot of just a mess. That's how I can sum it up, just a mess, a full-blown mess. And me who was exhausted, became inactive in my own life. And that's, you know, that's what happens, right? They say that's what the devil does, right? They want to exhaust you so you don't do anything. Right? So, I mean, when I say exhausted, exhausted may not even be the correct word. It was worse than that. But me, one thing about me, I've always been resilient. I have always like pushed through, power through, and kept moving and trying to find a way. And a lot of times I found a way out of nowhere. Like, I will research, strive, I will figure some mess out. And that was one of those situations. And I remember I started working here, and my career kind of did a complete change. I went in a different direction out of necessity. But I was pretty great at it, right? And it's still related to my background in a way, um, just in a different type of people. And that's one thing about myself. I'm, you know, pretty good with relationships with people, and that's definitely something you need in that particular role. Anywho, I ended up getting promoted and moved up again and promoted again and seeing things I hadn't seen, witnessing things I hadn't witnessed, or in myself and my growth and the change. And there was times where I wanted to quit because I was so exhausted. I was exhausted from my home life, my personal life. I was exhausted. There was people, people at my job, they had no idea. You thought, you know, you had no idea what I would have to do daily just to get to work or just to get home, or but you'd have no idea because my work was always great. So you, I never gave you reason to look at me. But in reality, I don't know how I did it. I do know how I did it. God. Because God was the only reason, God was the only way. Because there was times I was on three hours of sleep driving six hours around a trip. Or I was on three, four hours of sleep walking through facilities, nursing facilities, and all these different things, and putting in cases, and and my home life was just in complete shambles because I'm exhausted. And or I was at the hospital, and I could just go on and on and on, right? And I'll cut that part short. But I'm gonna talk about in a different um different uh time. I'm gonna talk about is this compass. It's a compass, it's a paperweight that's a compass. And I want to tell you that story, but that'll be the next store. And you'll see how this is aligned. And we'll start from there and we'll go back. But I wanted to come in now and and say to start this off is that I'm sad and I need to get my feelings out there. I know what I'm about to step into is coming to an end. Um, and what's I'm stepping into now is coming to an end. And there was a moment where I thought there was more to what was happening around me. But I think what was happening is I was reflecting more like a mirror. Some say it's like a mirror. What I saw in others um is maybe who I am. And I was learning to fall in love with myself again, and of course, fall in love with God, but I was learning to fall in love with myself again, and because I didn't even realize that maybe I didn't wasn't loving myself like I should or like I used to. And what I saw in this other person, no doubt about it. Regardless, let's take me out the picture, is a beautiful human, and they deserve all the things, deserve everything, and I believe that. And um, we're not talking about anything else except for who you are. Some may say the the the fruits of them, right? Or their spirit, their just their being. A beautiful human, they deserve all the things. It deserves every great beautiful thing, and I hope they get that, and I want that for them truthfully, through and through. But I realized that during this time, what I was seeing was I was also recognizing myself. And maybe that's why I was like, oh my gosh, how wonderful, how beautiful, how this. And it's like, maybe. And people will say something similar. It's like, oh no, not really. And now it's like, no, maybe this is what they're feeling or seeing too. And I hadn't seen myself like that in so long. And then now that I started seeing myself like that again, it's like, how beautiful, right? And this person kind of was a segue to that. And I need to get this out. This person was like a segue to that, to me, opening my eyes. And they didn't do too much, you know, guiding or in the sense of like, I'm telling you what to do. No, it wasn't that. It was more of holding a mirror to my face, letting me work it out on my own, asking the right questions and letting me answer, and me figure it out for myself. My answer is my answer, my God is my thought, and that's it. And the fact that it was done that way, and there was never any, never any addition or additive to what they were, that maybe their thought or how they felt or what they were thinking. They kept that to themselves, which is great, amazing. Sometimes I thought they were intentionally doing that, but that's like just the intuitive part of that. But whatever the reason, it worked. And I'm feeling all the things because I know that this is going to come to an end. I do know all the feelings that have come up for me that not being connected in this way is going to affect me for some time. And I haven't said this out loud. And I'm glad I'm recording myself so I can hear this and play it back. I am in love with him, and he didn't even do anything. He never said anything, he never did anything, he never was nothing but, like I said, a beautiful human. And I've never developed feelings for a person in this manner. And it's okay if it's not, you know, reciprocal. That's you know, that's how life is, right? But I can't ignore the fact that that happened. Like that's real. Like, and maybe the whole thing is that I needed to fall in love with myself. I need it and desperately needed to get back to to God and my walk with God and falling in love with him again, and my eyes are more open, and I know what I want, and I see the things, and I see where I've fallen short, and and in the process, it's like this is what love is really supposed to feel like. It's not supposed to feel like what I felt before. It's supposed to feel like this. And what if it was reciprocal? What if it was this thing? And how much more amazing would that be under this situation, right? But then again, it doesn't have to be him, right? It's just the fact that it's an amazing feeling, a genuine, authentic feeling, and there was no BS in it. Like it was just like a pure development of love, right? And I'm happy to have learned in what that feels like, even if it's not on the other side, just for myself. Like, wow, this is what it's supposed to feel like. But imagine, like, this is where I'm at. This is where I'm at. Listen, imagine, imagine loving somebody like that, and they loving you the same way you love them in that way. Whoa. You know how powerful that is? I didn't, but I do know, and I want that, and I want that, and yeah, yeah, I gotta go get that. And like I said, it doesn't mean it's going to be him because he doesn't have to have those feelings, but you know, so of course, over time I would have to release that feeling. And he may never even know because I'm not saying a word, you understand? However, one, because he's like, girl, come on now, right? But two, it's like, girl. And number three, girl. What? I know, but and it's okay. That's it's it's life. That's where we're at, and this is where I'm at anyway. I'm gonna start my process, and I know what's out there, and I know that it is possible, and I know it's probably gonna be hard to find something again because that's a rare thing. Number one, most people don't keep my attention in that way. I'm gonna be honest, most people don't keep my attention that way because I I like, yeah, okay. Yeah, uh okay. And it's not to be disrespectful, but certain people call out certain things at you, and that's just one. So, and if this is what this is, and that is not even my guy, you understand what I'm saying? And that person can do that in that way. Imagine when it is your guy and you're his lady. You understand what I'm saying? I want that, and I'm gonna go get that. No matter how long it takes, I don't want any less because the bar has been risen, and I hey, I don't know what else to say. So listen for the next one. I'm out. Thank you for listening. Take care of yourself in the after.