E102 When the Body Stays Ready

In this episode of AfterNow, I share reflections from a year shaped by fear, survival, and moments that changed me in ways I’m still learning to understand. I speak honestly about what it feels like when your body learns to stay ready and your mind begins scanning for danger.

This is not a full retelling. It’s a reflection. A boundary. A truth spoken carefully.

Because sometimes healing isn’t about saying everything. It’s about honoring what is yours to say… and what isn’t.

Thank you for listening to AfterNow, a podcast by Congruent Learning.
These conversations are shared with care and offered as reflection, not resolution.

If something in this episode stayed with you, take the time you need.
 Carry only what’s yours.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

After Now is a podcast about what remains after hard things, the stories we carry, the lives we rebuild, and the alignment required to keep going. I'm Renee Washington. This is After Now. I would like to talk to you all today about how the seasons change and those with trauma or or post-traumatic stress disorders or whatever. Those of us who may struggle with certain things. And I hadn't really thought about this struggle of mine for a long time. But for some reason today, it has crossed my mind. And although I'm not, I guess, the typical struggle with this, I thought I would share this because it had crossed my mind. And I said, wow, it has been 10 years. 10 years has gone by. And I wanted to share 2016 was the worst year of my life. And I know, like on the TikTok and Facebook, and different things. But primarily I saw I've been seeing on TikTok those who are sitting under the table eating grapes or doing all the things with their luggage and the different things, right? For their different practice of their wish for the new year. And I remember in 2015, right? New Year's Eve. I decided, oh, I'm going to do all the things because my life needed to change. And I'm gonna try whatever I can. And I remember, I remember doing something, eating something. I don't remember what, I don't think it was grapes, but I was eating something. I was under a table, I was doing a lot of different things. And then I had my luggage because I said I wanted to be traveling the whole year. I had this whole goal. Like I wanted to put it all out into existence, right? So I had all these things ready. I was also on the phone talking, and it's you know, almost midnight, and I'm not like a big partier, I don't really do all those things. That's never really been me, although I will go out here and there, but that's not really my jam, right? So I was on the telephone talking and I'm doing all these things and we're laughing and just, you know, having a good old time, you know, catching up. And I remember I had this apartment where I lived upstairs, and I said, it's almost midnight. Well, it is midnight at this point. I have to go down the stairs with this luggage because I need to go around, you know, the area here because that's the thing. And I remember, you know, the person on the phone was like, Why are you doing that? And I said, because I need to try everything I can because this is, you know, the thing to do. And they thought it was crazy. But you know, I was doing it anyway, and it's no problem. But here it is midnight. This woman here decides to go down into her apartment community and you know, row her luggage. But I tell you what, the minute I got to the bottom of my steps, my steps led out to like a kind of a little grassy area that was covered with like I can't think of what it's called, but you know, like, you know, bushes or whatever. But it's not a patio area, but like a little area, whatever. And as soon as I got to the bottom of the step, I heard pop, pop, pop, pop. And I fell. I fell. I hurt myself really bad. And it was just a very shocking experience because when they say, Oh, your year is gonna start with a bang, my year literally started with a bang. And without going into any more of that, I mean there's not too much to tell on that. Yes, I know who decided they wanted to be out there shooting their gun. Yes, and who has a gun in that neighborhood? Apparently they did, right? But that's how my year started. It started with a literal bang, and it was two young men that decided to be in this grassy area. It just so happened to be right outside of my apartment. And I remember racing back upstairs. Now, follow me, we're going somewhere. That's how my January began. In close proximity to gunfire. In a neighborhood where, uh, gunfire, no, not really, but looks are deceiving. Huh. The following month in February, I was working, you know, you know, Super Bowl. That's like my thing. I love the Super Bowl, I love football. I'm that type of girl, right? I had worked for months assisting, you know, the the host committee and, you know, interviewing people for different roles for the events. And the night before, or a couple of days before, I was to attend the before the Super Bowl, which will be an amazing experience for myself. Without going into great detail, one of the most traumatic events happened. You would say, oh, the gun thing wasn't enough the month prior on New Year's Day. No, but February 2016, it was a Wednesday, I'll never forget it. That was the worst day of my life. And I won't go into detail about that because that involves other people, but it just shows how sometimes a change, I wanted to change, I wanted something new. Oh, I got it. Oh, I got it. Eventually I would transition away from my position. I resigned um a few months later because a lot of trauma happened in a short window. I ended up leaving my position with a government agency that I was with. At that point, I believe I was there maybe 10 plus years, 10 years. And I absolutely loved and I like honored that agency because that was like the beginning of my growth as a person. So I ended up resigning from that position and I had was just promoted maybe to a different department a few months before that, right? Now, at the same time, I'm also doing working, assisting with you know the Super Bowl activities with the host committee at this time as well. And, you know, just trying to get myself out there and try new things because I see where my life is changing and I want to try new things and do new things. But there's always something lingering in the background to try to get me to stop. Why, right? What is it? But going back, I end up resigning. I moved in with my stepmother for a short time and eventually move into another space in her area that seemed like a quiet, small little big town, right? Come to find out, oh no, oh no, oh you think you're gonna get some quiet, you're gonna get some peace, you're gonna oh no, we are going to we're gonna show you what time it is because we don't need you coming up with nothing. I don't know why I feel the need to say that, but that's what I felt at the time, and that's what I feel now. Like there's something that wants me to look the other way. Now, I'm gonna say this. On my birthday, my birthday is in December, so happy belated birthday to myself, right? Well, my birthday is in December, and on my birthday, some kids were having a party. Party wasn't supposed to be happening, but a party nonetheless in this small little big town. And the party became loud, there was fighting, and ultimately I ended up being a witness to a murder. And when I tell you, it's like, what else can it be? My year started with the bank, literally, and now my year is ending with the bank, and the young man is killed. I'm now thrown into a murder investigation. I'm now one of the main witnesses in this murder investigation, and I'm trying to get out of it because I don't want any parts of it. But the spirit in me is like, oh no, you know what you saw, you saw what you saw. It's weird that you saw it. I don't know how you saw it, but you saw what you saw, and it was lit up, and you saw what you saw. And this is the fact, and it is what it is. Now they do what they do with it, that's it. But get it off of you. And that was a time in my life where it's like, this is the worst year of my freaking life. What else? I mean, nothing else can happen this year. I mean, let's hope, because it's only at that point, there's only two weeks left. There's only two weeks left in December at that point. But the young man, of course, like what I'm saying, he was murdered and they weren't able to help him and to see him and watch him pass away there. I want to keep this limited as possible because the other part is I am a continued, what do you call, although this is what you call like a indirect trauma, a it is trauma, but it's indirect, it's like vicarious trauma, right? Because it's not direct happening to you, but it's happening to you because it's around you. And what I want to say is I'm being limited in what I'm saying because it's been 10 years. Do you know that we are they are still trying this case? I've testified already. I've been subpoenaed quite a few times, I've been followed quite a few times, right? I mean, not followed, but you know, because they want to give a subpoena. So this is what we're saying about a vicarious trauma. And it's not even directly my story, right? It's not even directly happening to me, but it is happening to me because they want what I know. But hey, so as this year began, and as this day, a couple of days have gone on, this has been a thought for me. It's like it's been 10 years, and you're still having to deal with something from 10 years ago that although you have, you know, done the work, you may have, you know, healed on your side or or healing, healing adjacent or however he wants to say it, because you know, healing is a process. But just think how much I just persevered regardless, and I pushed past regardless. And it's just like, wow, what else, right? But I say that this is just gonna be more of like a a bonus thought, I guess, because this was not meant to be an episode, and again, I'm in my car, so I guess this is gonna be a running thing where I have this thought or something speaks to me, and I felt you know compelled to to speak on it. So I'll add this as maybe like a bonus. But yeah, this is like the effects of vicarious trauma. Like, it's 10 years later. That was the worst year of my life, where thing after thing after thing just really went, really went bad. Some things I can't talk about, right? But God is amazing. I continue to thank him for everything in my life, good, bad, or indifferent. Things from the past, the present, and the things that have yet to happen that I don't even know. Thank you for listening. Uh take care of yourself in the after.