S1E9: New Placement Roadmap - Katie & JJ

Ever wondered what the first few hours, days, weeks or months look like when you welcome a new foster placement into your home? Katie and JJ have created a little roadmap for you to follow with tips on how to make those kiddos feel safe and welcomed into your family!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

And so feeding them every two hours, whether they're hungry or not, or offering food every two hours, or getting a little snack every two hours, is is truly firing and wiring new neurons in their brain and reprogramming them to expect to be taken care of. And that creates attachment and safety that then changes who they are, changes their personality, changes what they can expect and what love looks and feels like. And I think that is just so cool. Together, we explore what it means to fight to stay tender in a world that can often harden us. Here we hold space for stories where dark and light collide. Thanks for joining us. Hi everyone! Welcome to Keep Me in the Light. I'm Katie. And I'm JJ. Today we have a sequel episode to last week's conversation. Last time we talked about what you need to know before jumping headfirst into foster care. The real and the ugly and the wonderful and all of the things that we have experienced. And so today we're following that up with something just really practical. The last episode was kind of should we do this or not? And this one is more, okay, we said yes, now what? So we're giving you kind of a roadmap, is what we've been calling it for the first few weeks and months of fostering kind of what to expect, what things actually matter in the beginning from our perspective, and kind of some steps to make it feel manageable instead of totally overwhelming. So if you've said yes to foster care, here's what you should prep for. Um, number one, why does a road map matter? Well, okay, foster care, we always say this, it just feels overwhelming. There's a lot. Taking on extra kids in your home is a lot. So not really knowing what to expect can kind of add to that stress. So I think it's just helpful to hear what other people have done and found helpful. That's something that I kind of sought when we were getting licensed. And JJ, you've shared with me that that's something that you sought out too. Like when you and Seth were getting licensed, that you were kind of like searching for podcasts, you know, just like, give me information. What does this feel like? What is it like? What do I need to do to prep? So this is one of those. We just wanted to create kind of a little how-to when it comes to the first weeks, months, years of foster parenting.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

So, in point number two, we're gonna talk about your first call, right? You are now a licensed foster home and you are going to get calls from caseworkers likely with children that need to be placed. So, how do you prepare for that call and figure out if this is a child or children that you should say yes to? So I think it's helpful to start with a quick list of questions that you might want to save to a note in your phone. So you kind of always have them when you get that call. It's handy.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Because you're gonna be like uh Chipotle in line or at work or you know, just it's gonna be random.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

Yes, yes. So everything kind of stops, you know, in that moment. So being able to just have uh a clear list can be really helpful. So some questions that you can ask about a child that might potentially be placed with you are what are their age? Is it one child or is it a sibling group? Any medical needs that are known? What is their trauma history? And specifically what is the reason that they are being removed? Or are they being removed from another placement and why? Yes, yes. Any current behaviors, what's their school or daycare situation? Is there a visitation schedule with their parents that's been established? And are any services already in place for that child? It's important to adjust your expectations because children might be coming into care for the first time, being directly removed from their bioparent. And in that case, there's probably going to not be a whole lot of information known about that child. They might be able to tell you, we've got a two-year-old male who's being removed for X reason. And that might be literally all you have to go off of. You might not know anything about their medical history or behaviors or things like that because the just nobody really knows much about this child yet. Oftentimes you're going to have a lot more information if that child is being moved from another foster home. We've had two placements that have come to us like this that have moved from other foster homes. So we were able to know some background information and know a lot of this before they came to us, but we also have a newborn placement that came to us, you know, directly from the hospital that we didn't have a lot of information about. You are probably going to have to oftentimes make a decision based off of very little information, and things are going to come to light amidst the process. So again, we talked about this on the last episode. Something that you might really want to get comfortable with is ambiguity as a foster parent because you may know very little before you say yes. So, what are some things that also can kind of help prepare you for this call? So having this list of questions is first, but also talk ahead of time, especially if you're, you know, parenting with a spouse, talk ahead of time about your yeses and your no's. This is something that you will actually have to work through in your licensing process. You'll basically be handed a big worksheet that has all different types of behaviors and medical conditions and mental health diagnoses. And you basically check like how comfortable are you caring for a child that has X behavior or X diagnoses or this or that. So that's something that you'll work through in your licensing process. But I again, I think it's really important to sit down and have a conversation and really think through that because the next thing, it's an it's important to know your limits before you're in the emotional moment. It's important to know your nos and to not feel shame around that. You know, there were certain limitations Seth and I would have. You know, we we couldn't care for a child that was wheelchair bound because we have so many stairs in our house. It's important to be clear about that and not necessarily to feel shame around it because if you're not gonna feel comfortable or capable caring for that child, then it's not only not good for you, but even more importantly, that's not gonna be a good place for that child to be. They need to be somewhere where they can have adequate care. So again, knowing your limits before you get the phone call is super important and especially discussing those with your spouse. Saying no can also help prevent future disruption. I remember getting multiple calls for children that were in situations or navigating things that when Seth and I just got the call, we took a moment to pray about it, we were like, I don't think we're the best fit for them. Um, and again, it's it's hard to say no when you know that there's a child that needs a home. But oftentimes, again, being realistic, being honest can help again get that child to hopefully the most stable placement, which is always the best the best thing for them. Crazy enough in our situation, sometimes saying no protects the right yes later. So I remember probably for a week Seth and I got maybe two or three different calls about placements and said no to all of them and then got the call for the little boy that we are now in the process of of hopefully getting to make a permanent part of our family. And had we said yes when we felt a little hesitant, we wouldn't probably be in the position that we are now.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

All right, I wanted to talk a little bit about the first 24 hours, just kind of setting the stage for what this should look like, giving you some framework for um that first day. I think in my mind, the first day slash even week is really not about super deep bonding. It's really about proving to that child, like, hey, our house is safe. We eat every single day for every single meal. We sleep at night. It's a safe place. The adults in this house stay steady. Nothing is totally insane here. Um, you know, everything here is safe. Your body is safe, your heart and mind are safe. Kind of proving that to them and allowing space for that bonding, yes, but like knowing that that deeper bonding is gonna come later. So I think the biggest thing in the first 24 hours is creating a space where that kid feels safe. And that's really hard because you don't know what they've experienced, but food is a huge deal, allowing them to know that food is always available. There are snacks out, they're available 24-7. So if that feels uncomfortable to you, like, oh no, my kids aren't allowed to have snacks all the time, like that's something that may need to change. You can just put apples in a bowl and say, like, hey, there's apples and bananas in this bowl. The snacks in this bowl are available all the time. Stuff in here is gonna be more, you know, meal times, or hey, if you want one of these snacks, just ask me. But the ones in this bowl are free to take anytime. Just because these kiddos are often coming from food insecure environments, and so there are a lot of feelings around food, and that causes a lot of kids to feel triggered in a lot of different ways. I think one of the first things to do when a kid arrives at your house is just to kind of do a quick house tour showing them truly every inch of your home, like and explaining quickly what it's for. Like, hey, this is where me and Nick sleep. This is our bedroom, this is your bedroom, here's a bathroom, this is the toilet, here's the basement, this is where the dog sleeps here in his kennel, and we have storage down here. Walk all the way around here, and you can just see this is our basement. You know, again, you don't know what these kiddos are coming from, and they have likely been in some situations that aren't the safest, and you want to show them that your environment is safe and not let them wonder, like, I wonder what's behind that door. So, yeah, just showing them the whole house in their own space, like having pajamas and some comfort items, maybe a stuffy, depending on age, of course, having a new toothbrush for them, having toiletry items, and kind of showing them, hey, here's your bathroom space, here's some extra stuff under here, in a bedroom, like, hey, here's your drawer, or your drawers of all of your stuff, kind of giving them the freedom to kind of look through on their own time. We're keeping questions super light the first 24 hours. We're not asking, like, hey, what's your deepest trauma? What happened earlier today? Why did you get moved? What's your mom's name? We're we're asking, like, what's your favorite color? What's your favorite food you've ever eaten? Where do you like to go for fun? Do you watch TV? Do you have any favorite TV shows? That even in itself will help you to learn a little bit more about, yes, their personality, but even, you know, what their home situation might be like. Are they watching a ton of TV or do they not have a TV? Do they not have power? Do they not have lights? Do they, you know, what are they eating on a regular basis? That's going to give you information about them that you can kind of tuck away as well. And I think just some phrases that we're saying the first week, giving them the freedom to chat with you about anything, but like also giving them space for boundaries. Hey, you don't have to share anything that you don't feel comfortable sharing, but like I'm here to listen about, you know, whatever you want to talk about. Even saying, like, I'm really glad you're here with us. You're so fun. You have a great personality, encouraging them, you know, good qualities that you're seeing in them, letting them know that, just so that they can get a feel for your personality too, and how you're feeling about them being there. Sometimes kids from trauma do have a really good radar as far as kind of reading a person's facial expressions, but you're wanting to be very clear about how you're feeling with them, as far as like so grateful that you're here. Wow, you're doing a great job with this, or oh my gosh, you're funny, you know, encouraging them in ways that are gonna make them want to be around you. As far as requirements for the first 24 hours, at least in Missouri and Kansas, you do have to do a doctor's appointment in the first 24 hours. Oftentimes that can be done at children's mercy at the scan clinic, and you also will have a caseworker visit within the first 24 hours. And it's very different depending on who the caseworker is, etc. Like our first placement, the kids were dropped off with literally nothing, no clothes, no bags, no paperwork, nothing. I like wrote their names down on a sticky note and did not know their birthdays or last names or any information until the caseworker was able to come by the next day with a folder of information because it was after work hours when they came. Things that are extra helpful in the first 24 hours that are just kind of practical things. If it's a kid who's under five years old, it's helpful to call WIC in the first 24 hours and at least get an appointment because you can get formula and food through WIC. Very helpful for formula as far as infants go. If you are working and you're gonna need daycare, it's important to call the daycares to see if they have spots for that age. There is a list online of daycares that are covered by the state, but you can also just call the daycare and ask them.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

An important ball you need to get rolling is to actually apply for child care subsidy for that child if you're needing daycare, because that can take a little while to get approved.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Yes. Yeah, that's good. If they're school aged, going ahead and getting them enrolled in school, in your neighborhood school, or calling their current school and kind of figuring out transportation to them if that's something that you're wanting to do. Getting them set up for school as far as what materials they might need, clothing they might need, taking them, letting them pick out their own clothing, their own shoes, kind of giving them that freedom is helpful and builds trust. Something that one of my friends told me to do within the first 24 hours is take a picture of, you know, when you're doing something fun with them, you're playing a game or you guys are listening to music or something where you're seeing some joy, just snap a picture, a selfie with them and you, or maybe of them with your other kids, or of them with your spouse, some sort of picture of them, print it off within the first like two or three days, and just like stick it on the fridge. This really shows them like, hey, this person's happy that I'm here. I'm a part of this family unit. I belong here. Instead of, you know, being in this home with all these strangers and seeing that everyone else is posted on the wall, there's framed pictures of all these other people and not me. Again, I don't belong. Speaking to some of those lies they may be believing about themselves. Yes, seeing a picture of themselves on your wall is not gonna like fix everything or change everything, but it does give them this little piece of belonging or ownership in the space.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

I love that. That's such a good idea. I don't think I've heard that before.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

And I would just say like limit visitors at first, just because there's a lot, you know, anxiety is high, and you're trying to bond with them, especially. I mean, obviously, if it's a baby um and they're not like cognitively aware of what's happening around them, it's different. If they're older, I would say just leave some space just for family that's living in that home, unless it's just people popping by, dropping something on the porch and waving, but it's kind of a good time to cancel what's on your calendar and just like be in the house for a little bit to spend some time together. Another thing that someone told me that I thought was really helpful is just kind of narrating your home and environment for kiddos, they don't know what's going on, they may have never heard an ice maker before. Oh, you hear that sound? That's the ice in the freezer. It's making ice cubes for us. Do you like ice cubes? You know, just kind of making everything a conversation and giving them context for what they're experiencing. If they hear a super loud truck going by, say, oh my gosh, that truck is so loud. Did you hear that? Or oh, that's the neighbor's dog. The neighbor's dog barks every afternoon. So I think just naming for them what's happening so that you can learn more about their story, their experience by their facial expressions, you are really reading them and trying to figure out what triggers them, what excites them, what makes them feel safe and happy, what makes them feel scared, so that you can meet their needs in a way that that's gonna make them feel safe.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

So, next we want to talk about building routine and stability. And I think it's again helpful to kind of think of these things in a sequence, right? That first week is just about creating felt safety, like Katie talked about. And then once there is a little bit of that established, then we can work on some structure. So first ease into keeping wake and bed times consistent. Predictable sleep creates regulated nervous systems. And again, I feel like we could probably have a whole episode around sleep. Um, and you know, this isn't a guarantee that because you set up the structure that the child will follow, this could be a very long journey ahead of you to predictable sleep. But as much as possible to build the framework for that, especially if you have little ones in their room, maybe setting up a little corner in their room where they've got some books and some stuffies and some things that they can play with if they get up before you come to get them. Um I'm thinking about littles because Katie and I both have gotten pretty much all of our placements have been babies to like young adolescent kids. You know, we haven't necessarily been placed with teens from the start. So apologies if a lot of our examples are for younger kids, but that's a lot of our context. But even just yeah, coming into their room at the same time every morning and then having a simple connective bedtime routine, right? Like, you know, this is the same time that we take a bath, and this is then, you know, we sit down together as a family and we read a story, and then I tuck you in, and then I sing you a song or whatever that that looks like, just trying to slowly work your way to some sense of predictability.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

When we got one of our placements the first morning they woke up at our house, they had used the restroom one and two in the bed, not in a diaper. And I realized like they were terrified to get out of their beds in the night. And that was a problem that we consistently had. And so, even just saying, like, hey, and remember the bathroom's right across the hall from your room, and I'm gonna leave the light on. So in the night, if you wake up and you have to go to the bathroom, you can just get out of bed and like run across the hall and go to the bathroom and then go right back to bed, no problem. Just telling them stuff like that that might seem really simple, like, of course, you know that, but like you don't know what's happened to them. So for some reason, this child is terrified to get out of bed to the point where they will urinate and poop on themselves in order to not have to do that. And that was just something that we kind of didn't tell them, like, hey, get up and go to the bath, you know, I just didn't even think about it. Yeah. And so really trying to like set framework for them that can make them feel as comfortable as possible to get their needs met on their own.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's such good thinking. Yeah, a lot of this is gonna be problem solving along the way as well. So you set up a structure and then you learn something new, and maybe you have to change it, and that's totally okay. So just prepare to be flexible, but at least get started in some direction of building routine around sleep. Next, you want to anchor your day around meals. So this is a basic need that builds a lot of trust, right? Meals are at the same time. Snack basket is visible and accessible, right? I think a really good rhythm is offering a meal or a snack every two hours. That's something that we got in a rhythm of, especially because, yeah, one of our placements was food insecure. And so that was something that we did and over time saw huge improvement with security and knowing that like food is coming. So I think a way that you get there is again that consistency and making sure food is being offered consistently. And like Katie said, you know, have those curr conversations early and often about what they're interested in eating. This isn't the time, especially early on, to like fret over nutrition. It's really a time to make sure that they're eating. Um, because some kids might be so food insecure that they want to eat a lot. Some kids might not eat a lot at mealtime or say that they're not hungry and maybe even sneak or hoard food under their beds. Like there's a lot of keep it in their mouth for hours. We had one that did that. Yes. So there can be a lot of different behaviors around food. So again, the something that you take for granted of just like knowing is gonna happen every day as a parent, or that your bio kids just like know as a part of your rhythm is it could be completely different for a child that that never knows when that's coming again.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

And the science behind the two hours thing, I when I learned this, I was like, oh my gosh, that's so incredible. You know, when when you have an a newborn, they eat every two hours. We were created to be fed every two hours as infants. And when you're an infant that has a parent who is engaged and watching for your needs, you cry and they feed you. Every two hours, they feed you. You cry, they feed you. You're hungry, you get fed over and over and over. And that is not happening for a lot of kiddos that are growing up in tough situations or in trauma. And so they had a need and it wasn't met. They were hungry and it's not met. They're crying and no one's coming. JJ has had a placement like this where we know for sure that this child was neglected for hours and hours and maybe days at a time as an infant. And so that is going to program that child's brain differently than what God intended, because he had needs that were not met. And so you are quite honestly helping reprogram this person's brain to say, I have a need and it will be met. I'm safe, I'm taken care of. I'm hungry, here's food. And so feeding them every two hours, whether they're hungry or not, or offering food every two hours, or getting a little snack every two hours, is truly firing and wiring new neurons in their brain and reprogramming them to expect to be taken care of. And that creates attachment and safety that then changes who they are, changes their personality, changes what they can expect and what love looks and feels like. And I think that is just so cool.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Yeah. The biggest win was when that child started to say, I'm all done.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Instead of just eating and eating and eating and eating.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Yeah, or obsessing over more, more, more, more, and just being able to like eat what was there, maybe ask for more, eat the more, and then actually acknowledge the full cues, you know, like, oh, I actually can think about the fact that my body is full now. I'm not in as much of survival mode as I have been. Yeah. Um, and that again that comes through that stability and predictability around meals. So good.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

The next thing that we're gonna talk about is just kind of repeating a few phrases over and over again. This child that's new to your home and to your environment, they're constantly scanning for safety cues, you know. So being able to provide some like reassuring phrases can do a lot to kind of like calm their anxiety in moments where you start to see that well up. So reminding them, like, hey, you're safe here. Especially again, if there's like an unexpected noise, you explain what it is and be like, oh yeah, that's what it is. It's just the ice maker, yeah, you're safe here. I think another phrase will tell you before things change. You know, that simple phrase of like, yep, this is what we're gonna do today. If we're gonna do something different, I'll let you know. We're gonna wake up, we're gonna go to school, we're gonna come home, then we're gonna go to the park, and then we're gonna make dinner and then watch a show. And if something changes, I'll let you know when I know. The phrase that I think is so helpful is you are not in trouble, right? If they accidentally break something, if you have to have a hard conversation about this or that. Again, we talked about this in the previous episode. Kids might exhibit some challenging behavior, or again, just as they're adjusting to their environment, do something that warrants a hard conversation. And so being able to remind them, like, hey, you're not in trouble, but I just want to talk to you about this. You know, hey, you're not they wet the bed. Hey, you're not in trouble, but I'm gonna go ahead and just change these sheets. And here's some fresh jammies you can change into into so that way you're comfy. Like one of our placements who had a potty accident while we were in public and I didn't have a change of clothes, and so we had to go home. And this was really devastating to this child because they were having fun and they felt embarrassed. They were old enough to kind of feel embarrassed about that. And I was like, hey, you're totally not in trouble. Honestly, I should probably be better about keeping a change of clothes in the car for you, but it wouldn't be very loving for me to just let you stay in clothes that aren't dry, you know. So I want to take good care of you. So that's why we're gonna go home and we're gonna get changed. And then we'll talk about what we can do then. You know, what would you like to do when we get home? So again, trying to steer that conversation in a positive direction, but an accident in public, I mean, that's a very triggering and embarrassing situation for a child that's a little bit older. So again, trying to find ways to reassure them, hey, this isn't a matter of you being in trouble that we're leaving. That's not what this is about. It's just because I need to take good care of you.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

I think another normalizing phrase that we use constantly is just like, oh, that happens. Oh, you peed your pants. That happens sometimes. Like, yep, normal. Oh, you dropped that, you broke that, you spilled that, that happens. You ripped your jeans, that happens. No worries, that happens. Just being like, Yep, life, because it's true, it does happen. And maybe you got in trouble for that before, and maybe I am internally like, are you freaking kidding me? Annoyed, but like that happens. It's like I spill stuff on myself all the time. It's normal, it happens, you know. Why are you laughing? Because I do spill stuff on myself all the time. So I'm like that. Yeah, yeah, that does happen to you a lot, doesn't it? Like, oh, you broke that? I break everything. That happens. Anytime one of my kids is really clumsy, and so am I, and she's a kiddo that's in foster care, and she's always felt so embarrassed about being clumsy. And not too long ago, I was like, I think you got that from me. And she kind of looked at me with these bright eyes, like, I got something from you, like, because she's not from me, you know, but like the idea that she, you know, like she was like, Oh, yeah, and so now every time she does something clumsy, she's like, Me and you are both clumsy, I got that from you. I'm like, that's right, girl. Me and you, like, but she just like loves that maybe she got that from me, you know, like maybe she got something from me. She like fell out of the car the other day, like opens the door and just like like fell all the way out of the car. And she was and everyone started dying laughing. And I was like, girl, same, you know, just like mm-hmm, you know, I feel you.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

I feel you, we get it. Um, okay, okay. So another thing is, you know, giving one small, age-appropriate job to those kiddos because contributing to the home and the family, it builds trust and connection, you know, feed the dog, help stir dinner, carry napkins to the table, something small that builds some dignity and connection for them. The next is transition reminders. Anything surprising spikes stress. So before you need to transition, you know, maybe from watching a show to going to dinner or something like that, giving warnings. So in 10 minutes, we'll leave. After dinner, it's time to shower. Tomorrow, we'll meet your caseworker. So, again, kind of like Kitty talked about around food, just narrating things that are going on in your home, narrating your schedule can be again a great way to help lower anxiety for our kiddos. Next is limit new experiences. So keep their world small and expand slowly. First week is not big outings and extended family members and church or group spotlight moments. It's not parading them out in front of the neighborhood. It's really just keeping things small and predictable. Next, same morning and evening routines. We talked about wake up like time specifically, but even expanding that out to just the sequence of their routine. You know, morning they wake up, they eat breakfast and have connection, they get dressed, brush teeth, pack bag, tidy room. Night, you know, it's the same, right? They take a bath, PJs, little snack, read a story, prayer and tuck in, a little preview about tomorrow. Tomorrow when you wake up, we have yada yada yada. So yeah, just predictable beginning and endings to the day can put ease to their nervous system. Next, create spaces for them. You know, ownership builds dignity. So a basket or a drawer that is exclusively theirs. Like this is where your PJs go. This is where your backpack goes, right? This is their bed with their special pillow or stuffy, just finding ways to make sure that they know I have a place here. And expect regression, you know, plan for baby talk, food hoarding, testing, clinginess, or distance. None of this means that things aren't working. It just means that their bodies are decompressing and regulate yourself daily. Ooh, the way I need to be reminded of this right now. But yeah, a calm adult is truly the strongest rhythm in the house. So if you can plan to have quiet time, you know, for yourself before the kids get up, I'm terrible about this. But just in the moment, in the the days that I do make this a priority and I'm not waking up to my toddler screaming, Mama, where are you? Which he will do at the top of his lungs. That really makes me feel like I'm being chased by a lion. So making sure that I give myself the time and space to yeah, connect with God, to drink my coffee, and to, you know, if I'm in the position to be able to wake up slowly, to be able to do that can do measures to make sure that I'm preparing my heart and my mind for whatever may befall me, right? I'm giving this day to the Lord and saying it's yours. Please help our family every step of it. I have no idea what today is gonna hold. And please help me to just remain the calm, steady force for my family amidst this. So good.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

The next thing we are gonna talk about is just support systems and community. Before you get your first placement in your home, try to build a net, a safety net around your family, finding other foster families that live near you, that can kind of be a part of your community, but also your friends that you already have, the people that are already in your circle, um, as you're going through foster care classes, talking with them about it, talking about what you're learning. Inevitably, people are gonna say, Oh my gosh, let me know if you need anything. Immediately say, I absolutely will. What do you love helping with? Do you love helping with meals? A lot of times people will offer something. Hey, if you ever need any food, if you ever need therapist recommendations, let me know. I work in this field or whatever. Find out what they love helping with, what gives them life to do, and create a note on your phone that's like people that have offered to help and put their names down so that you don't forget throughout your training and in the first months of fostering, people will offer to help. Take them up on it. So make a list for yourself so that you know who's good for meals, who wants to start a meal train, who loves babysitting, who wants to come hang with the kids for a few hours, what school contacts or therapist contacts do people have? People will say, Hey, if you need any girl clothes, let me know. Lawn care, grocery runs. You will a hundred percent forget who offered what, so just keep your list. Creating those support systems and kind of having that in the chute before you get your placement will be so helpful because when you feel overwhelmed, you can kind of just open that note and say, Oh my gosh, actually, it would be so helpful to have someone deliver a meal this week and you can just text them like, hey, I hope this isn't weird. You had mentioned that you love bringing meals to people. We would really be blessed by that this week. Is there any time in the next couple weeks that you would have the capacity to do that? Thank you so much for offering kind of thing. Community is what's gonna hold you together in this season where things are feeling really chaotic. So tap into it.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

Yeah, so good. Okay, so next we're gonna talk about the emotional and spiritual side, right? You go through this major transition of stepping into foster care and everything that comes with that. And at some point it's gonna feel like too much, right? You have a moment where you feel like you can't do it. Foster care, it's it's a mirror, and first placements often reveal control issues and fear, pride, deep compassion, and unexpected tenderness. And so holding grief and joy at the same time, right? Like that is learning to do those things, learning to let both things be true. That this experience of caring for these children is grievous because it's hard and I'm growing to love them and I don't know what their future holds in my family. But also, this is beautiful and miraculous, and I'm watching healing happen under my roof and kids grow up and kids feel safe. That's beautiful. So make sure you're taking time to celebrate small wins. I feel like Katie and I are like kind of a broken record of just like if you need support in this area, navigating emotional and spiritual aspects to this, getting a trusted counselor who shares your faith, you know, that can help you to walk through this well. Um, I think is it's huge. But yeah, just be prepared. This is going to turn you upside down emotionally and spiritually in ways that are really difficult, but also in ways that are more beautiful than I think you could have ever imagined. So good.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

The last one, we just wanted to kind of give some encouragement for new foster parents. Something that, like, really early on in our foster care journey. I don't remember where Nick and I were, but they were like calling the foster parents up somewhere, and they were like, Okay, professional parents, come on up. And we were like, Ugh, no, no, no, no, no, you know, because that is not like it that just felt so scary because you are not going to feel like a perfect, amazing parent all the time, and you don't have to be, like, you should not put that pressure on yourself. You just have to be steady and you have to be willing to say that you're sorry and repair when you mess up and say sorry when you're not steady. And I think flexibility and humility are the biggest takeaways. Hey, it's not gonna go how you want, and you're gonna have to be flexible, and you're not gonna be as good as you think you're gonna be, and you're gonna have to like still get up and try again and like not be buried in shame about being an awful mom or something. The chaos that's happening around you doesn't mean that you're failing. It's it's gonna feel crazy, it's gonna feel like a lot, it's going to feel new and unknown, and that's okay. Everybody's nervous system is adjusting to all of the craziness, the kids, yours, the people that are already living in your home before the new kiddos come. So just be patient with yourself. I'm speaking to myself right now, too. Like, be patient with the kiddos, be patient with yourself. Yeah. JJ, if you like, could talk to a brand new foster parent that's like getting their first placement today and they're like, give me your best advice. Like, what would you say? You hear this little baby squeaking. He's like, he's been sleeping this whole time, and I just I'm getting to cuddle him. What would you say to someone who's like, give me your best advice for a brand new foster parent today? Yeah. Um my best advice. You're like, I haven't slept in weeks.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

I don't know anything. Like, I can't form a thought. No, I think of what I would tell them is I can only think of sarcastic comments right now, which is not helpful, nor the tone. I don't know, maybe. No, I would yeah, I would tell them. I think one of just the lifelines for Seth and I, of course, outside of even just our faith and our trust in God and having to constantly come back to that foundation has been literally our lifeline. But apart from that, I would say the thing that has just been the most helpful and life-giving amidst this is the community piece, is reaching out to people and taking help and you know, going to hang out with friends even when that feels like stressful, you know, how am I gonna get two kids out of the house? It's just it's leaning into the community, leaning into the relationships that you have. Um, because oftentimes when I'm starting to kind of get spirally about my situation, about how hard or stressful this feels, I think just spending time with people that I love, that love me, that love these kids really pulls me out of a challenging place. So yeah, that's good. Yeah, like lean into that community.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

It's so good.

SPEAKER_00 42:09

Um, Katie, how do you keep perspective when it feels chaotic? Because I'm sure it always feels really calm and like have the all your systems run smoothly all the time.

SPEAKER_01 42:23

I think it always feels chaotic. I think humor is like a thing that we use that Nick and I use a ton, just because it's like if you're not laughing about it, you're gonna be stressed because things are it's just like the world is on fire here most of the time. Um, so yeah, I think just like laughing about it is a big thing that helps me just like stay in perspective. Yeah, I don't know if that's a good one or not.

SPEAKER_00 42:49

Oh, I love that. Yeah, keep it light when you can. There's enough darkness to go around, so if when you can keep it light, keep it light.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Yeah, go outside, touch the grass, look at the sun, soak it in, eat a good food.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

But, Katie, what what happens whenever it's raining? Then everything sucks. Sorry, I have nothing for you. No hope. Hang on for dear life till the sun comes back.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

Um, do we want to do a little speed round of questions to end it a little lighter? Yes, I love this. Okay, JJ, what's one item that you have to have to survive the first five weeks of a life in your home?

SPEAKER_00 43:42

Copious amounts of caffeine in all forms. Yeah, yeah. I'm not really limiting my today's like the me and IV drip. Yes, yes, because I am not sleeping currently, and I would say that I'm kind of at the point today where I'm like finally limiting myself a little bit. I'm like, I do feel a little bit. It uh like on edge. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm shaking. I'm shaking. I I do need to slow it down a little bit. But hey, like getting that extra coffee through the drive-thru, give yourself a little treat. Yep. You're doing something hard. So love it. Uh Katie, what's your favorite easy go-to dinner?

SPEAKER_01 44:21

Okay, probably sheet pan nachos. Ooh. Because I just like I get the like precooked carnitas from Costco or Sam's or whatever. And or like the pre-cooked like barbecue pulled pork is also really good for that. Um, whatever I have to like meat that I don't have to cook. And then you just spread out the chips. You can just do like canned corn, canned black beans, the meat, shredded cheese, or put all that in with no cheese and then use like white cheese dip to put on the top. Some queso. After yeah, queso after it comes out. Shoot. Um, I also put like tomatoes and jalapenos. My kids some of my kids love spicy. So just like whatever random veggies that I have in the fridge or canned, just throw on there and all the kids love it. I feel like if you're gonna do easy go-to dinner, it needs to be less than 20 minutes and it needs to be zero complaining from the kids. Yeah. Like I don't have if I don't have capacity to make dinner, I also don't have capacity to listen to them whining about whatever I spent time making and then being like, little grouse. You're like, Yeah. Did you mean to say thank you for dinner? So nachos are hit all around. Get out that sour cream, it's all good. Wow, that sounds so good. Delicious. Oh, sorry, what I no, you're just staring at your baby. Okay, what's the most comforting thing that someone's done for you, like since you became a foster parent?

SPEAKER_00 45:58

Oh my gosh. I could just sit here forever and count the ways that people have taken care of us. But this is something that Katie did for us. Um it's kind of it was kind of like a group effort, but our first placement, we had a school-aged kiddo, and he had a brother that was a toddler. And so Seth and I went from zero to two just overnight, the same day we got our license, and so we're just overwhelmed. And in those first few days, when I'm trying to figure everything out, trying to get our kiddo enrolled in school, I texted Katie just amidst that to update her that we had gotten a placement, and she just gave me so much helpful information. But I remember I like didn't even think about the fact that I was going to need to get him like school supplies. And I remember Katie just texted me, hey, left some stuff on your porch. And I go out there and there's just boxed mac and cheese and uh awesome backpacks for the boys and school supplies and treats for Seth and I. And I just like literally cried because, like, not five minutes before one of the kids had thrown up. So I'm like cleaning up throw up and just like feeling so overwhelmed. And then I get this text and go outside and have this like beautiful care package. And not only that, but one of Katie's kiddos heard about our new placement and heard about um this little boy getting ready to go to school. And one of our kiddos was like, does he have shoes? Like school shoes? Like, he's gonna need some good school shoes, and spent his own money buying one of our kids nice, like sick, cool new shoes. And so our kiddo got to walk into school with so much dignity because he had an outfit on that just made him feel so good. And yeah, Katie's family just loved on us so much that week. But I I that like is just again a testament to man, when you get into this, your bio kids will have a understanding of what what it looks like to maybe just show up and not have nice shoes. And and he was thinking about that, and he was like, no, I'm I want to make sure that he feels good when he's walking into his brand new school. So that makes me weepy to think about that piece.

SPEAKER_01 48:29

Also, I feel like Danielle, like one of our board members, like took her to JJ's two babies on Valentine's Day, so you and Seth could go out. And I was like, that is the most comforting thing anyone for me that anyone's done for you. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

What have I loved watching people do for you? No, that also a more recent example, yes, was truly the biggest gift when people that you love who get foster care take care of your kids, that you don't have to put all this disclaimers around all right, and they're probably gonna do this, and they're probably gonna even have to ask.

SPEAKER_01 49:10

She was just like, Hey, bring them. Yeah, a brand new infant, too. Like a lot of people are scared to take baby, and she was just like, Give me that baby. Yes, and just cuddled him.

SPEAKER_00 49:21

Okay, Katie. What's a phrase that diffuses the tension the fastest? That makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 49:32

I feel like I say that 80 times a day. Oh, that makes sense. Like they're coming at me screaming, tattling at someone else. Oh my gosh, that makes sense why you'd be upset about that. That would hurt my feelings too. That makes sense. So much validation. Yeah. Just wow, why are you acting like that though? Um, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Thanks for spending time with us today on Keep Me in the Light. I hope you leave encouraged and reminded that light can be found even in the darkest places. If you'd like to hear more conversations like this, be sure to subscribe and consider sharing it with a friend. Until next time, stay tender, take the next right step, and fight for the light. Hello! Look at this baby. Look at this little baby.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

Wait, he's not faster. He is. Yeah. Yeah. In his little sleep sack, he really does look like a big thing. Put your backpack down. You can hold it. Is that okay? Caterpillar.

SPEAKER_01 50:38

Yeah. She's a pro. Yeah. Um, you hold him, and me and JJ are gonna finish out this podcast real quick. Um my gosh, look at you. Thank you so much for joining us today on Keep Me in the Light. Until next time, stay tender. Take the next right step and fight for the light.

SPEAKER_00 51:06

Yeah.