Finding Confidence After Trauma: How Leadership Shapes Mindset

In this impactful episode of Media Rebel Unplugged, Janice Becker explores with Dr. Melanie Gray how rebuilding confidence after trauma is essential for effective leadership and fostering a healthy business mindset. They dive deep into the intersection of trauma and leadership, highlighting how unresolved trauma can influence communication, workplace culture, and personal growth for women entrepreneurs and leaders.

Listeners will gain insights into trauma-informed leadership practices that create emotionally safe workplaces where resilience and confidence can thrive. Janice and Dr. Gray also discuss the lasting impact of trauma on business mindset, leadership styles, and team dynamics, particularly in the evolving landscape shaped by COVID-19.

Through their honest conversation, you'll discover the importance of healing, self-reflection, mentorship, and positive self-talk in not just recovering from trauma but transforming it into strength. Whether you're a woman entrepreneur rebuilding confidence or a leader committed to nurturing a supportive work environment, this episode offers practical guidance and encouragement to reshape your leadership journey and mindset for success.

Topics covered include trauma in the workplace, trauma-informed leadership, healing and growth after trauma, workplace wellness, and the role of mentorship and forgiveness in personal and professional development.

Connect with Dr. Melanie Gray at drmelaniegray.com and share this episode with anyone looking to rebuild confidence and embrace trauma-informed leadership in their entrepreneurial journey.

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Transcript

0:19

On this episode of Media Rebel Unplugged, how do you advise them to have these conversations? If you notice someone that's short or quiet, invite them for a brief one-to-one. Hey, I see you. I know you've been here in the organization. In your experience, how does that unresolved trauma tend to show up in the workplace? Our behaviors, our posture, our engagement. how we respond. You need mentors in different sectors. Do you have an advocate, someone who is going to uplift you and help you develop because they might understand some things that you don't? Welcome back to MediaRebel Unplugged. I'm Janice. Today we're talking about rebuilding confidence and overcoming trauma in the workplace, which is a conversation that doesn't happen nearly enough. Joining me today is Dr. Melanie Gray. Dr. Gray works with individuals and organizations to help people understand how trauma is showing up in the workplace, how to move forward in a way that's healthy, sustainable, and human. I am really looking forward to this conversation because it impacts leadership, teams, and people at every stage of their career, and it is something deeply personal to me. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much for having me. It's my great honor. Before we dive in, tell us a little bit about yourself and the work that you're doing. I have, I focus on helping organizations and leaders become trauma informed and create cultures of wellness and emotional safety. That is an important thing that you're doing because my experience personally, I have encountered instances that were like really unhealthy. A lot of women don't even realize the trauma. that they're experiencing at times as we're going through it, because we're just thrown into surviving the environment that we're in, because of course we need to work, that's our way of surviving. And at times we have to take this quote unquote abuse that happens, whether it be verbally, mentally or emotionally. Yeah, we normalize it. We've heard the stories from so many of our friends and colleagues that this is just what happens. No, it isn't. It isn't what should be expected. Right. Exactly. So what led you into the work that you're doing? Was there a moment in your career or was there somebody you knew close to you that started this? There were a number of things. Working with women. I heard stories, serving with women in the community that were from various professions outside of healthcare helped me see the consistency, unfortunately, of the trauma that women face in work. And then during COVID is what brought it to a head where I was actually asked to lead a trauma-informed cultural change around wellness for an organization. I began to feel the call to ring the bell of how important this issue is. Yeah. I could see where COVID would trigger that. That was such a time for everybody. Like so much pivoted in that timeframe that I've... as well, whether it was like a focus in their career, a whole new one at that. It's crazy how six years later is still impacting us. So much of life changed during COVID. They said that the world would never be the same. We work differently. Our perspective is about how important is work or what else do I want in addition to work. People have adopted a different voice, which I think is very healthy for being able to say I want something different or I need something different. And there are more options. I mean, the advances in technology, us sitting here today, how podcasting has really overwritten blogging. Where blogging was the way, now it's podcasting. We are still being impacted by the trauma of COVID. Many people are still recovering from the losses. People are not being able to say goodbye. The thought, will this happen again? And will I be ready? The economic impact of that. So much has changed and we are still trying to work through it. Yeah. In your experience, how does that unresolved trauma tend to show up in the workplace? Well, it tends to come up by our behaviors, our posture, our engagement, how we respond. I will, you are we snappy? Are we responding to emails in too much of a harsh way? Are we avoiding actual communication and choosing to send email for everything? Because email is not the best way to communicate everything. A trauma shows up in the workplace by our overall cultures, not setting boundaries for work. For example, as a leader, are you sending out emails? at four and five and six, seven and eight o'clock at night? Are you responding at night when you should be at home? Because what does that say to your team? Is that the expectation of me? Do I want to advance? Do I want to grow? Because is this is going to be expected? I have no boundaries for my family. Are you getting texts? Are you texting people all day and night on the weekend? At some point, you teach people on how you value them. and their life and you're teaching them what to expect of you. And if you find yourself burned out because you're working on your computer all night, part of that could be because you've adopted a self designated culture and identity that maybe you need to change. I've heard some people are throwing themselves into that type of work because they're running away from their trauma. That it's, it's kind of like this programming that we've done without us being that accountability part of it going, why am I really doing this for myself right now? Well, sometimes it's easier to stay busy than it is to feel be with ourselves. I think that one of the challenges we have is to learn to spend time and be comfortable with ourselves because we have by society and social media is whole. thought that if I'm not busy, if I'm not doing something, then something is wrong with me. Where in reality, we need to spend time listening to ourselves. I believe we have two ears and a mouth for a reason. One, so we can better listen and attend to people around us. Also, so we can settle, it's a reminder to settle within our own hearts, a peace and a place. for ourselves where we listen to our body and listen to what our hearts are saying. Give ourselves time to have an identity outside of work. What is said about you when you're not working? Are you just your title and your role? Those are deep questions to ask ourselves. And I feel like Now there's some avoidance that people are guilty of when we do that internal work and we really sit within our feelings and start doing that healing work. That's where, um, think sometimes you really have to be prepared for the answers that you're about to uncover. that's true. And healing is sometimes involves a painful process as well. It's like having a surgery. If you need to have an, a knee replaced, you fractured a hip or some or broke an arm. the pinning, the surgical process, the rehab, the healing is painful, but is outcome worth it? And I think we all have to ask ourselves that question. You know, do I really want to be better in the long run? And if so, it's going to cost me some time, some work, and some periods of being uncomfortable. So what are the top three steps that you would tell somebody to take right now to start this journey for themselves? I would tell them to first take a weekend, take some time off. At least take the weekend off if you don't have any time, know, pay time off and take a couple of weekends actually and just be still. Journal, if you don't want to write, then talk it out in your talk text or something where you give yourself a chance to think about what are my top three priorities? How am I getting there? Now are my current practices taking me there? Or am I identifying some patterns? If I say I want to save $10,000, but I'm driving up my credit card, $10,000, why, why am I doing that? Yeah. You know, what is triggering that behavior? I think we have to look at ourselves. If you have a trusted friend and sometimes We shouldn't always talk to ourselves because we are not always our best wife's council. So do you have a safe place, a community, an honest friend? If not, is there an employee assistance program at your job that you can connect to? So I say number one, you have to be willing to have, do the uncomfortable potentially, which is to have some time with yourself, to be solid. Two. Set your goals to be honest on what those are and three, to be willing to prioritize those goals and yourself and take the steps to make at least one of them happen in the next 90 days. think that's great advice. It's easy for people to do on top of that. It's important that we do it and to have a good friend that you can turn to is so vital. And when I say that a good friend should also be able to be like you said, Very honest with you. Good friends aren't always like, yeah, yeah, that's great. When you're doing something wrong, they need to hold you accountable. Holding people accountable is love. I think sometimes people think it's not. And when in fact, that is the most loving thing that you can do is to call somebody out. I do it to my own mother. God bless her. She joked with me the other day. goes, when did you turn into my therapist? My mother says, you're not the boss to me. And I'm like, yes, I am. Yeah, we get to a certain point where we start becoming the parents to our parents. And that's a good thing. So for your listeners, maybe they don't feel that they have someone they can be vulnerable with, but that too could be a sign about their need to develop authentic relationships. Now I don't mean you have to go run and tell your whole life to someone you met yesterday, right? Because friendships, my, my person is my, I'm going be Ramona and I have been friends. introduced her to her husband. She introduced me to mine. I'm the godmother, whole thing. But she is going to be honest with me. And she sees things I don't every single time, every single time. So I don't make a decision without saying, girl, I think I did, missed something. And she's, you know, she'll be honest with me. That's what it takes too. Yeah, absolutely. Because no growth is coming from somebody lying to you and not holding you with that accountability. So yeah, I love that you have a friend from your youth to turn to. And for those who don't, if they don't have somebody, where do you suggest they go to start finding whether it is maybe a mentor or something along those lines? Well, I think that, you know, there are unique mentors in different sectors. work, is there in your workplace, do you have an advocate? someone who is going to uplift you and help you develop because they might understand some things around the culture that you don't. Then you might need someone in your social sector that can help you grow socially, culturally, help you connect to people and network in your general community. You might want a faith community. What about your neighborhood groups? So there are different avenues where you might want to consider interjecting yourself so that you learn and grow and meet new people. And social media has its place, but we were created for real community, right? Neighbor to neighbor, shoulder to shoulder. That has proven the test of time. Human relationships have proven the test of time. And I encourage people Even if you've been hurt before, everyone's not out to hurt you. It just means getting the help to find the right people to help you grow. Yeah. I mean, they did say it took, takes a village to raise a child, I also feel like that village needs to continue to be with you. And your, village grows. I mean, I'll be very transparent, Janice. I'm 67 years young and I'm still growing. And that's honestly how it should be. We should. always be growing throughout our life because at no point do we want to be stagnant. Otherwise you're not living. You're not living. And it is a risk. I mean, it is a risk, but I encourage people to take it. And if you don't have a work mentor, who do you admire in your organization? People, leaders are busy too. And they're not necessarily walking around saying, okay, who can I give my time to? But if you... say to someone, you know, I really admire your work. How do you have 10 minutes, 20 minutes to connect? And I'd like to know your advice on next steps for me as I consider where I might go in the organization. When people know what you want and you help them put their eyes on you, they will. And they might say, you know, I might not be the best person for you, but I know someone who is. I've done that a lot of times and I've had that done for me. I think when you have the right people around you too, it helps you to build your confidence because they should be speaking life into you. and, and helping you build yourself up as you have those good solid people around you. You, they are, but you also Janice have to speak good to yourself. Yeah. You have to wake up in the morning and you have to say, I'm a gift. I'm a gift. I thank God. I'm a gift. You know, you have to tell yourself that because you are the voice that you listen to the most. Your voice is the most recognized by you more than any other voice. So why not speak well of yourself to yourself? Because that helps you when you show up, people believe what you believe. And if you believe you're good, they're going to believe you. Yes, absolutely. Couldn't agree with you more. I say this all the time. We tell the most lies to ourselves and so we should be really careful how we speak to ourselves. I myself try to start every morning giving gratitude. Gratitude to God for every little sin. God, thank you so much that I have this warm coffee this morning and I'm not going to murder anybody today. Thank you God so much for the warmth that I have, whatever that is. And then... You know, for the path that he has led me on. So I think gratitude is a part of that. And then again, to yourself and to showing yourself love, I am always trying to advocate for children in particular. think it's really important because the world will beat them down and they need to learn a way to continue to love themselves and know how great that they are because that raises more confident adults. Well, it does. We have to speak. into our children when a baby is born, they are all the man or woman they're ever going to be in that little bitty cute package. And so speaking well into their lives is important. But if you are a listener and maybe you were not didn't have parents or people speaking well into you, that does not mean that you're not a gift. It means that you and we have to be forgiving as Janice said, or have thankfulness that you are here. forgive the people who didn't maybe treat you as they should and be willing to move forward, being thankful for that opportunity. You know, we were talking about, know, trauma is real and the experiences of our childhood don't necessarily leave us immediately. But we do have a choice to continue with a future and not lead with our past. And I always ask the question, do you want to give people who the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life, if you're 20, do you want to give the people that maybe might have been so kind during your youth, you know, the power over your life when you're 30, 40, 50 and 60, or do you want to move on? So we're not negating the negative things that may have happened, but there you have the power to choose. how you use it. Forgive so you can use your forgiveness and experience to help someone else and begin your new future because you can. And sometimes the best way to forget the past to begin a new present. Yes, forgiving is power in itself. think, you know, I've spoken to some people who've tried to say they find that as a point of weakness. I've never once found that to be something that makes you weaker, it makes you stronger. Forgiveness is for you. It's not always about the other person. It's always about you. It's always about you because you have, carry your own heart, right? You don't, you don't want to have bitterness eat your heart up because that's going to also affect you in the workplace because you carry your whole self. You know, if you're bitter and angry, you carry bitter and anger into the workplace. And that could be showing up in your, in your relationships, in your opportunities. What advice do you have for leaders who maybe identify some people on their team that are struggling with this trauma and confidence? How do you advise them to have these conversations with them? Well, you know, in the workplace, you have to be very careful about how you do it. But if you observe someone, talk to them. If you notice someone that's short or quiet, let's just say a bit very quiet, doesn't speak up, invite them for a brief one-to-one. Hey, I see you. I know you've been here in the organization for, you know, two years. I've noticed that you don't say a lot in meetings, but I see, I think you're thinking some great ideas. Can you help me understand? I think we have to. to understand and not judge. And that would be my guidance to leaders to first to understand why, you know, is there a path, is there a culture in your meetings where, you know, John always speaks up first and you just go with what John says. And sometimes we do things and that I don't know where, or maybe they're waiting for you to ask them because that's how they were raised that you're in a, where you're waiting for you to ask and see them. So I think the first thing is to seek to understand what is going on. And then you might have to, as a leader, bring in someone else to help you mentor or coach that person. Because if people want to do well, and then you can always advise them as to the other resources that might be available in the organization, like their employee assistance program. But the important thing is to seek to understand Because trauma and slum care as an overall thought is to consider what has happened to you, not what is wrong with you. And I think having that human component is what's missing in a lot of organizations. Unfortunately, I have seen where, you know, they're more concerned with the sales performance or the sales numbers or, you know, when are you getting this task done and why isn't this task done on time instead of asking these really in-depth questions and having these real conversations with, with our team to uncover those. I think that you bring up a very good point on just seeking to understand and not always listening to respond as many people tend to do. Active listening. We want to get it over with, just move on, you know, and we know that we have metrics and KIPs to meet and outcomes. We're not saying that, but I think as a leader telling your team, as a director, I've got a VP. that's expecting this of me. This is why I'm asking ABC of you, how can we do this together? So that they understand there's a bigger picture because people don't understand the whole organization like a leader might at a certain level. They only, they see what they see, but help them understand. they might, it helps them partner better with you so that there's humanity as well as keeping the eye on the organizational components that have to get done. Yes. I've had these conversations with team members of my own before I had launched out into my own business. And oftentimes you would find that they had no idea that I had six bosses above me harping on me for something. They think. It's a strickling effect, you know? There is. Yeah. There is a strickle down. But helping them understand helps them. buy in because people support what they help to create. So involving them in the conversation of what the organization needs versus a top down push, it yields an entirely different result. So tell me, who do you normally work with? What's your, your ideal? Is it a big corporation? Is it a smaller business? Is it just anybody and everybody that needs this help? Well, I'm more specialized in healthcare and higher education. That's where my, the bulk of my expertise is. But I do work with all corporations who might be looking to enhance their culture, enhance their sensitivity, become trauma informed, seek keys for trauma informed leadership, how to develop that culture and cultures of wellness. m And if they're looking to learn more about how they can connect with you and where they can find you. They can find me at drmelaniegray.com. Awesome. Thank you, Dr. Melanie for being here today. And thank you so much for the work that you're doing and for giving us such wonderful information today. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Most welcome. And thank you for listening to MediaRebel Unplugged. this episode has helped you, please feel free to share it with someone who could benefit from it. And don't forget to hit subscribe so you don't miss our next episode. And I'll see you next time.