Leading After Trauma

In this episode of Media Rebel Unplugged, Janice sits down with Sheryl Hauk to talk about what it really looks like to lead after trauma and reclaim your voice.

Sheryl spent more than four decades building a successful career as a choral director and leader while quietly carrying a story she wasn’t telling. At 50, she made the decision to break that silence and share her truth, not just for herself, but for others who may be living in that same space between success and silence.

This conversation explores how trauma can exist alongside achievement, how high-functioning women often learn to perform strength, and what happens when you finally decide to use your voice differently. They talk about leadership, identity, and the shift from surviving to living with intention and truth.

Sheryl also shares insights from her book, Piece by Piece: A Memoir of Survival, Resilience, and the Power of Creativity, and how creativity became a tool for healing and rebuilding.

This episode is especially relevant for women leaders and entrepreneurs who are navigating leadership while carrying personal experiences that have shaped who they are, and are ready to step into a more authentic version of themselves.

Guest:
 Sheryl Hauk
 Author, Speaker, Choral Director
 Book: Piece by Piece: A Memoir of Survival, Resilience, and the Power of Creativity
 Website: sherylhauk.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Coming up on this episode of Media Rebel Unplugged.

SPEAKER_01 0:05

My abuser was my father for 18 years. I'm 50 years old and I'm testifying. It was hard.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

The biggest question that I have for you is what gave you that courage after 50 years to speak out in such a powerful way and writing a memoir about this.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Life is not perfect. Parenting is never perfect, right? We're doing the best we can and we're changing the cycle that we had as children. Being better parents and being able to say, I need to walk away for a moment.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Welcome back to Media Rebel Unplugged. I'm Janice Becker. Today we're talking about what it's like to hold things inside, even when you're a high-achieving woman, and how success isn't defined by being healed. Today, joining me is my guest, Cheryl Halck, veteran choral director, author, and advocate. For more than 40 years, she built a powerful career on stage while carrying a story she wasn't sharing off stage. At 50, she chose to break that silence and tell her truth in her book, Peace by Peace: a memoir of survival, resilience, and the power of creativity. Welcome, Cheryl. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to have you here. Like I said before we even start recording, you and I are aligned in so many ways. And I think the the biggest question that I have for you that I would love to start with is what gave you that courage after 50 years to speak out in such a powerful way?

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Lived, grew up in Hawaii, and my brothers still lived there. And I lived in Michigan. And my brother is mentally ill. I talk about him being Papuli in the book. And we made kind of a reward. He could come to my house for Christmas if he was, you know, taking his meds and doing the things he needed. So he came to my house, but he really had a hard time. And he was awarded the state of Hawaii. And they said, You need to bring him back to Hawaii. So for the first time in 25 years, I got on a plane. I took my brother back to Hawaii. I'm sitting in the state mental hospital. His team comes out and they say to me, We know your story. And I'm like, What story? We know your story about your abuse. Your brother and your father has told us this story. And we think, by the way, that you could help change the laws in Hawaii, uh the Statue of Limitations. And I'm like, whoa, okay, I haven't told anybody my story. And I went back to Michigan. They gave me a little card, and for about four months, um, some things happened, and I decided, okay, I'm I'm gonna do this. So I called the lawyer, and the lawyer said the first thing you have to do is sue your abuser. And that was a seven-year journey. And in that journey, because it was about changing SOLs for other people and other survivors, I ended up testifying in front of committees in the state of Hawaii to change those laws. And so after that experience, I thought my community really doesn't know my story that I live, but I've I've got to tell the story because this is happening and people need to be accountable. So, you know, it was little by little. That's been 10 years of I'm 63, having enough courage to do that. Of course, I'm a Leo born a year of the tiger. I mean, nobody really um had a choice in the matter, I think. If you look at my horoscope.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Wow, that's uh so powerful. And I really want to kind of break down those pieces of that because for survivors, we can feel so much shame when it comes to telling our stories. And and so what I've tried to do with my own and encourage other survivors as well, is to just use your voice because it's for one, it's healing. You know, you're reclaiming something that was taken away from you in that traumatic event. And and really you're giving permission to other survivors who feel like they need to be silent and stay within this shame or guilt or whatever it is that they're living with. And so I can only imagine for you how healing it must have been just for yourself to be able to put your own voice to your your trauma and your experience.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

So I didn't realize it because I was a choral director for all those years. I was helping young women find their voice for years. Right. In order to really sing well. And I I'm really proud I have some alumni who are in Hollywood and on Broadway and all over, just being really successful business people and entertainers, that to do that, find that voice, I was making a safe environment. And I didn't know that I was doing that. I just came because I was a survivor, I was trying trying to help others. And what I've learned is that's how we help survivors now that I know that is to give them that safe environment where they feel like, okay, someone's gonna listen to me because it's the only way that our abusers have accountability sometimes. And there has to be that accountability, or children, you know, we know one in five right now in the United States are sexually abused. We need to have that accountability to, you know, help the next generation of women come up and help even more voice in our communities.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

Yeah, it's it is funny how we are become natural protectors when we're going when we've gone through things like that. Myself, I'm diagnosed with PTSD. And what I have found, because my brother has PTSD, we're very different. Uh, and we both have childhood trauma. So I became the protector version of it, and he became the aggressor version of it. And I've at least seen where you're either at one one spectrum or the other, there's like no middle ground. I find that very interesting how you helped amplify voices of all these women and you know gave them the stage to do that in such a metaphorical way.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

I also have PTSD. I actually wasn't diagnosed until I went to court, and the court said, let let a forensic psychologist talk to you, talk to me for five minutes, and he said, It's the worst case I've ever seen. In my book, I I educate people about what it's like to silently live with PTSD, what a trigger looks like, and how hypervigilance is is really taking a toll on my body. My sister uh also went through what I did, and her her trauma looks totally different. So when our listeners are out there, your trauma's not gonna look like yours or mine, it's gonna be your own. And just acknowledging that, not as a victim, but as a survivor, I think that was a big shift for me is to understand I was a survivor. I wasn't a victim anymore. So yeah, it does look very different on people.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

It does. And I love that you're very outspoken about PTSD. I think PTSD awareness is so important because the public think the only thing they really know with PTSD is when it's veteran-based. Um, and then what does that look like? And I think especially in the workplace.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

I agree. So I I was a teacher in the educational situation. 50 years later, I know I have PTSD, and I know about first if our listeners don't know what they are, they're federal, federal protection for disabilities. So you have a silent disability, you have one people don't see, but you you certainly have a disability. So I insisted on a 504 in that educational situation. And even with educators who know what they're supposed to do and to help and do it for children all the time, they really struggled doing it with an adult. But it's it's something I'm actually, I wrote a chapter about it because I am really an advocate of making sure that the workplace gives people with trauma, and we know so many people, one in five, okay, people with trauma need that support, and then they can be a better community member, a better worker, a better, more productive to our community. So I know that I've been told that someone like me, I don't know you, but someone like me has 20 years less longevity. That's the average. And most of the time it's because the people um that go through what we go through, they do self-harm and they, you know, self-medicate. And so when you have that support like a 504, you have other survivors supporting you, you know, you live to at least 63. I've already surpassed that 20 years, and you can live it, and it can be much more uh joyful and much uh you're not just surviving day to day anymore.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Yeah. I mean, just the chronic stress alone of what it does to us. And for me, it's been five years now that I was diagnosed. Um and I probably had it before that because of all the trauma. So now what I'm trying to do is identify what are my stressors, and then what can I do to limit the way that my body and my mind especially are perceiving stress because I'm realizing there's things that aren't a stressor, but my mind immediately will try to do the worst case scenario. So trying to adjust that, and then how can I have a little more control over my cortisol levels?

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Right. So, so our nervous system goes into survival mode. So I have at my age, I have five chronic neurological conditions that I take medication for 40 years. This is not mind, this is my body. Um, and without support of the medical uh medications, I would not be able to function. So why did that happen? That happened because as I was growing up and being abused for 18 years, that cortisol level went to my nervous system for survival. And it did damage on that nerve nervous system. And because my brain was growing, we know that survivors who were childhood trauma, while their brain grows, it's even more damaging physically to their body. And so, you know, if you understand those triggers, I call them triggers now, how do you how do you not go into natural nervous system producing that cortisol? And that's a lifelong journey. But with with being able to use your voice and identify those triggers, then you're you're bringing those cortisol levels back. And um, you know, you can go hike up a mountain literally and figuratively.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah, you're right. That is an important thing is identifying the triggers, putting our voice to them. I try to communicate with other people around me. Sometimes for me, it's like um I get overstimulated really easily. I have children, so it's hard sometimes to explain to them that you need to leave me alone, really leave me alone for a little bit. And when I'm I come out of it, I can come out of my room. And I can't. That's that's fair.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

I have four grown children, and it's fair because life is not perfect. Parenting is never perfect.

unknown 11:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

We're doing the best we can, and we're changing the cycle that we had as children, being better parents and being able to say, I need to walk away for a moment. Once my my daughter is uh, she's an architect, actually, but she was three years old, and I got in these brand new white couches, and she got her purple magic mark out while I was feeding her brother and made big smiley faces on every cushion and then squiggles on the back of it. Man, I was triggered. So, I mean, any parent would be, but I was overly triggered. I knew that I had to say, you need to go to your room for for a couple minutes so that mommy can just get over this. Yes. And that's fair, we can do that. But instead, my parents would have probably picked me up and thrown me against a ball, right? And punished me for a long time. So I've stopped that circle, and so are you. I, you know, I don't I've just met you, but I'm so proud of you. You're doing so well. You really are.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Thank you. Yeah, my so my oldest son is 25 and he did something very similar. I had a white couch and he took an ink pen to it, and he was he has autism too. So he was writing stuff like whatever he was into at the time. But yeah, it was a very triggering thing, and like you said, it's and being a parent of when you have PTSD, you're the triggers are different, they can be a little more severe. So I think for me, identifying what's normal parent stress and what's triggered stress.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yes. And of course, you know, I don't know about you, but I was I'm very hyper-vigilant. I still am. It's overly I I tell a very funny story in my book in chapter two about being hyper-vigilant and what's that like. But I was very hyper-vigilant with my children. I am the same way with my grandchildren, and it is more exhausting than a normal parent would be watching their parents. It's physically exhausting because we're watching every single minute to make sure that they're safe, both mentally and physically. So, you know, that's exhausting for us.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

It is. I'm glad that we have technology. I use a life three step to track my teenagers. Okay. So that's helped a little bit, but they have been conditioned to know like mom needs you to check in periodically. So they naturally will do that with me. And I think it's also very thoughtful, especially because our teenage boys, and a lot of times teenage boys aren't well, they're they're still, I mean, they're grown, they're 19 and 18, but they'll write me like, hey, I'm okay. I made it, you know, to the concert or whatever it might be. And then while they're at the concert, and so that's the thing for me, I can't sleep because the whole time I'm like, are they okay? What if this happened like all the worst case scenarios start spinning and the looping starts happening?

SPEAKER_01 14:42

And yeah, it's a it's a whole that's what employers have to know. You know, one of the big things that was on my 504 was you had to answer me in 24 hours. You didn't have to give me an answer, but you had to answer me and say, I've got your email, I know what your concern is, I can't answer this right now, but I have it, because that 24 hours is looping torture even worse than other regular employees. So for employers to understand what this is like really makes a more productive employee. And I think that our, you know, I advocate for SOLs, right? For advocacy of children, but I advocate that survivors, you know, get the support from their community employers that they need.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

That's very vital because, like you said, I think it's very misunderstood from an adult perspective. There's a lot of protections for children and education. Um, and even just looking like my child with autism when he came out of school, there really wasn't much in place for him, um, you know, in in adulthood. And I think it's the same thing too as we're saying with BTSD. I kind of want to circle back as we were talking about triggers and and as you were writing your memoir and and testifying, there's such a level of bravery in that. So as a traumatic survivor, uh assault um survivor, I had to testify in front of my assailant several times. And um, and just to share with you personally, but uh it was two, three days after um he assaulted me, and he basically broke a whole left side of my face, and I could barely speak because my jaw was broken and dislocated, and I'll and I had to sit there in front of him and testify. And so doing that several times over, I know how triggering that can be. What was that experience like for you?

SPEAKER_01 16:43

I had to testify in court. My abuser was my father. It was really a horrific situation. And I'm 50 years old and I'm testifying. It was hard, but my whole life, everything's hard. And so I literally close my eyes and jump every day. And so I just closed them a little tighter and jumped. And that's just kind of the way I do it because there's no other way. You know, I have to jump into the day, and that goes from little tiny things to really big things. I'm not sure that's everybody else's way, but that is what gave me courage, is just to know if I just did it. Then, you know, it's hard to get on a plane, it's hard to perform. I I think music helps a lot too. That is my I hate to say savior, but music is is totally my savior.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

I was a classically trained pianist and I sing, so I understand that's been a therapeutic process for me, and scientifically it's been found that music is healing. So it makes complete sense that that ended up becoming your profession.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Yeah. Yeah. When I'm when I was teaching full time, the summers were the hardest because during teaching I'm actually making music with students or teaching music for eight hours a day. Right? Can you imagine that how how good that was? So in the summers I would get depressed because I I could make my own music, but not eight hours a day. So, you know, I I I think that the vibrations of the music now I understand that certain vibrations calm that nervous system, and people know it, but they don't know it.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

I've all had conversations with other trauma survivors where we end up becoming successful. And it's I love how you say it because I think this is very interesting. You said success doesn't have to be defined by being healed. And sometimes people say you're running away from it, but for me it defined more purpose, more so than the definition of running away from it. So, what's your thoughts behind that?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Uh I wish I could sit here and say I have this family that's really supportive of my book. They're not, they're not supportive of the book. Um, one thing is that I I know if my mind is idle, that I get to go in that loop. And I don't want to go in that loop, so I never keep my mind idle, whether it's decorating or it's making music or making a career. And when I when I made a career, I put a hundred percent, if not 125%, into that career. There was no one who could ever say that I didn't work hard enough. But part of that was not not going into the loop, right? You you stay busy, you you um do that, and then your mind is is on good things, not the loop. I think you use that term. I like it. I'm gonna use it. The loop it is, it does. Book is a big thing because my book, there is a couple situations. I have a chapter called bad behavior. And one of my triggers is not kids' bad behavior, but it's adults behaving bad that are causing children or other people with disabilities really a difficult time in living. And so I, you know, it's it's been again closing my eyes and jumping because not everybody's gonna be happy about hearing things like that. Um, so again, kudos to you for getting on the stage and being a speaker, and that just takes a lot of bravery. It takes a lot of just saying, I'm gonna change the world and not let other survivors just be alone in their pain.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, same to you.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

I've had people in the community I live say, I had one woman call a friend of mine and say, you need to tell her we don't talk about those things. And that's what's wrong with this. We have to talk about these things. We have to let one in five surviv, you know, of our population who are survivors know that it's okay to talk about those things. So, you know, I I I just can't say enough about having to have a voice.

SPEAKER_00 21:06

I completely agree. I would love to share with people more about your book and how you get it out there. So where's the first place that you send people to purchase your book?

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Yes, so they can go to Amazon, but it'd be easier if they went to CherylHauk.com. It's spelled S-H-E-R Y-L-H-A-U-K.com, and they'll find several resources on where they can find the book, purchase the book. They'll also find resources if they're a survivor in the book and on the webpage of where they might call or where they might go if they need support all over the world. And there's also places for those people who support survivors and live with them and want to donate money or donate time or just better understand how this affects our community. So that is again on CherylHelp.com. And I invite everyone to go there. I'd love them to read the book and laugh and and and feel tender at moments. It's not graphic. There's no graphic part. And there's a lot of light. I wrote it in four measures. Get it? Four musical measures. I love it. Yeah. So um I to your listeners, you're not alone. And we are here. And you don't have to be like like her or me, Janice or me. You can just tell a friend, and that's even enough for you. So when it's your time, we're we're here to listen.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

That's great advice to give everybody and to know that it's okay to speak about it. I really admire you, have so much respect for you and your bravery and the work that you're doing and continuing to do. And I hope that I can continue to be a resource for you.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Thank you so much. And I am inspired by you. So thank you for inviting me.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Thank you so much. Thank you to everybody listening today. If this resonated with you or would help somebody that you know, please share it with them. And we'll see you next time.