Kindergarten Cop feat. Samurai Movie Jam

We begin cycle three with a new friend in the cuck chair - Nas from Astoria, Queens.

The Samurai Movie Jam boys, Brian and Dave, drop into the pitch room and propose some sequels to this classic film.

And of course we continue to seek the Gump within.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I thought you guys were always recording live. You do it over Discord and then sometimes we have guests.

SPEAKER_05 0:05

Yeah, yeah, if we have a guest, and sometimes if it's like last minute, like if I'm like Jordan, I have this crazy idea. Yeah. But that only happened like once.

SPEAKER_04 0:13

Sometimes it's really dark.

SPEAKER_05 0:15

Yeah, yeah, I'm like Jordan. Ever since you saw that puppet show at Catholic Education Summer Camp, when you were six years old, you knew what you wanted to do. You wanted to bring life to felt and glue. You were always going to be a puppeteer. Your father was a puppeteer. His father was a puppeteer. You would be a puppeteer. You studied hard at your local community theater and took design classes. And as soon as you could, you moved to Los Angeles to make it big in Hollywood. Your puppets would bring more joy to the world than all the fraggles that could fit onto a rock. Your fingers were so dexterous you could fold an origami swan in your pocket while driving a car. You started working some gigs. Small at first. One of your puppets was an extra on e.l.f. You audition for a show called Dinosaurs, they say, is gonna be the next big thing, but you don't get the part. But you can feel yourself moving up the ladder. You keep grinding, tweaking, sweating, you keep your hand deeply inserted inside the puppet that is your own ambition. Then you get the call. A movie is being shot in Oregon with Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger. The director's past work includes Ghostbusters and twins. It was written by the same guy that wrote Brewster's Millions. Only one catch. You need to operate a ferret. A ferret that will eventually bite the evil villain Cullen, leading to two shots in the abdomen by the Terminator himself. The only catch? You hate ferrets. You've always hated ferrets. You hate them like Indiana Jones hates snakes, but this opportunity is too huge. Life-changing. You're gonna have to try and forget that ferret that bit you at Catholic Education Summer Camp right after the puppet show that changed your life. You stay up all night making the perfect ferret puppet. It's easy for you, and it looks beautiful. Baby ferrets could suck the milk from this puppet's itchy fabric teets. However, when you put your hand inside and feel that itching pull of the interior puppet brush the back of your hand, just like you felt 10,000 times before, you can tell something is wrong. This puppet has no soul. Not like the treasure troll puppets you've made, not like Bucky the Bronco or Pooper Scooper the Dog. No, just by looking into its speedy little eyes, you can tell this ferret puppet is not alive. So what do you do? They say the best way to learn something is to teach it. So the first chance you get, you sign up to teach a ferret training class. Your first day is terrible. You're hyperventilating, the ferrets are out of control. The principal, an expert in ferret training, sees right through you. She wants you G-O-N-E gone, but you keep your eyes on the prize. This job opportunity is too huge to pass up. How can you connect with these ferrets? A few hours away from Astoria, your buddy is working on puppets for a show called Twin Peaks. You head over and tell him your dilemma. He introduces you to his buddy, director David Lynch, and he says, You're gonna have to be the ferret if you want to teach the ferrets. So you do. You bring your ferret puppet to class the next day and you meet them on their level. Soon you're playing games and teaching the ferrets the miracles of an organized society. During a fire drill, your ferrets make it out without a scratch. The principal calls you into the office. She's impressed with your progress. You fall in love with your fellow teacher in ferret school, but she has a dark secret. Her abusive ex-husband is coming to collect her ferrets, the same ferrets that are set to star in the movie, Matt, Slick, and Snoopy. He wants them to be a family again, but you know it's not for real. You can't force family, just like you can't force fun, friends, faith, fellatio, and forgiveness. To love is to give and to let go. Because as David Lynch told you, if you let something go and it comes back, then you're in love. One night, after a night of softly lit love making to the whimsical comedic scores of Randy Edelman, your lover's ex-husband initiates a brutal home invasion. He's here for the ferrets. You think quickly and use your puppet ferret to lead Matt, Slick, and Snoopy to safety. And those teeth you've installed on your ferret puppet, those are real. And they've just punctured the carotid artery of your new lover's ex-husband. You look your ferret puppet in the eyes. It's not so much a puppet as it is an extension of your arm, which is an extension of the souls of all those ferrets you've taught to burrow, suckle, and to love. It's not a tumor, but it is alive. You're ready for Arnold. You're ready for Hollywood.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

I remember I was sitting in my buddy's apartment. I was like couch surfing at the time, and his friend, who was giving him free boxing lessons in exchange for sandwiches, um had come over and he was getting his like first dose of DMT. And uh have either of you experienced DMT ever? No. I have. Psychedelics?

SPEAKER_03 6:08

No, not for me.

SPEAKER_04 6:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 6:10

I respect it.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

Um, you know, people will talk about mushroom trip being like four hours, six hours sometimes. DMT is about a five to six minute experience, um, but sometimes can stretch on to where it feels like, you know, an hour. And I watched this man put on a blindfold and sit back and and suck this sweet uh miracle smoke into his lungs. And then he just like opened up his hands in almost like a worshipful way. And I needed to taste that. I needed to know what that was about, because it also seemed like so pleasant. And when he came out of it, he was just like, Yeah, that was crazy. And I dipped in. And immediately when the chemical hit my brain, it was like all the sounds I was hearing from outside, you know, in New York they talk about the symphony, the streets. It was like all that fell into place. Like a jackhammer became like the percussion, and then the bird sounds became this little like marimba working along with it, and I was like, Oh, I'm I'm in it now. Yeah, you were like straight up in Sesame Street. Hell yeah. And then all of a sudden I was a thousand miles away from my own body, and I was like looking at all these like formless um essentially like humanoid figures, and one of them specifically was telling me that the human antenna the human antenna is located uh within your forehead, and that uh we are a um psychic connective collaborative species, but we have lost that um due to things, but that if we work together as individuals, um if we work towards that collective once again, we can uh achieve some sort of like transcendence. You ever had anything like that?

SPEAKER_03 8:18

Yeah, there's something there, I think.

SPEAKER_05 8:21

Yeah, the I feel like if that happened to me, they would be like if you switch to Wigovi, you can those same beings are just like you'll lose more weight 20% than than any other uh GLP one. Yeah. That's crazy. That's that's wild. Um I also did DMT one time. Um my story is so much less interesting than Jordan's. Uh I was doing a um like a touring show. It was like this really stupid show. It was called Old Jews Telling Jokes, and it was in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. And I went to a bar and I started singing uh this Sublime song at the bar. It was called Which one? April 25th, 1992. There was a ride on the streets telling me. You were sitting home watching your TV while I was participating in some anarchy. Uh anyway, so I was singing that, and then like I noticed from across the bar like this other guy was like singing it as well. And he's like, I saw your showman. Yeah, exactly. He's like, I saw your showman, and I was like, Oh fuck, really? And he's like, Yeah, it was so good. I fucking love it. Not the show, just you singing some body. It could have been, yeah. And he was like, Um, I own a bunch of tow trucks in college towns, and now I'm like retired at like my mid-40s, but I'm also a drug dealer. Uh come over to my house and we'll do some DMT. And uh I was like, Yeah, sure. Um so I went over like two nights later, basically, because I was like weighing it out in my head, and uh, it was him and his like girlfriend who was like 23 years old, and then like an ex uh member of the Hells Angels, like a biker, and he's like, DMT changed my life. Um, and he too he gave me like advice. He was like, Don't ever be in a room where like the back of the room there's no exit. Like he's like, I won't be in a room with no asshole, is like how he put it. Um and apparently, like he had done DMT with this guy before, and he had seen like a hand open and there were like sparkles, and Bronco, he saw Bronco, and he was like, If you see the Bronco, he's like, Tell him I say hi, so like whatever. So like we're doing it, and the guy's taking it super seriously. The guy met in the bar and he's like playing music, and he's like, Whatever comes on the playlist next, we're gonna listen to it. And it was like a Vietnamese children's choir. Um, it reminded me of what you posted on Instagram the other day. It was like the young Jewish choir from Miami. Oh yeah. It was like that. Um, so then I smoke the DMT. It's like you do it like you like rip it like a like a I guess like a what do you call where you smoke weed and it's like the carb and the a pipe? A pipe. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:05

There are people who I talked to about this show, and they're like, when Jude was trying to figure out groomsman or like best man, I lost it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:14

This is a new one for them. It was pipe. It was pipe. Anyway, I did it, and they were like, they're like, when you get to the door, they're like go through the door. They're like, you're gonna you're gonna see a door, they're like go through it. So I do it, and it's like you, it was like you explained, you just like go back, and it's like your head is like an egg that just like cracked open and like your like consciousness spreads out, and I get to the door and I hear all these like voices like and I'm like I'm not going through that door. I'm like, I'm not, I'm like, send me back. And I feel like the voices were like, no, no, go, go through the door, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, it felt like I was there for like a thousand years. I come back, the first thing I see is just like, you know, when you like do a psychedelic and it's like it's like the world's like dripping kind of. I see the Hells Angels guy, and he's like he's like, Did you see the Bronco?

SPEAKER_03 12:11

Yeah, brother.

SPEAKER_05 12:12

And I'm like, no, I'm like, no. And I never did another psychedelic in my life ever. Oh, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 12:18

Did he tell you what the Bronco, like what to expect of the Bronco, or what it might look like if you No, he just said it like saved his life, but like he didn't tell me why.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

So you didn't like it? I didn't like it. Okay, okay. Also, I ended up not liking that guy because we hung out later, and then he was like, do this ketamine. You know, oh my god, maybe we shouldn't put this on a podcast or whatever, because my dad wasn't doing it. But he's like, do the ketamine, I did it. Sorry, keep telling me.

SPEAKER_03 12:46

Maybe not in an unprofessional scenario.

SPEAKER_05 12:48

It's fine. Like, I'll get a job. I I just think that like and then I did the ketamine, and then like I guess I was telling the guy, I was like, maybe I should have like been more upfront and been like, I have more psychedelic experience before I did this because I just want to go home. I want to feel something, and he's like, You want to feel something? And he slapped me. And I was like, I want to go home. I don't like this guy. Yeah, so I added them on Snapchat, and um I will never hang out in a room without a K-hole. That's what I always say. Yeah, but like he's still on Snapchat. I don't have Snapchat, but like that was so many years ago.

SPEAKER_04 13:21

Um there's often uh descriptions of these characters that you will meet. Uh I've never heard of the Bronco. I'm gonna add this to the list. People often talk about like formless men or like little men. Yeah, the machinems. Um, and then there is, of course, the jester.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

So there is a common thread. I always assumed it was like hyper personalized, you know, like whatever's going on with you.

SPEAKER_04 13:45

Oh, you're touching another reality. Yeah, dude. Um let's let's like like let's conceptualize the Bronco here. I'm thinking maybe like a Sam Elliott type character who's like, Welcome to your trip.

SPEAKER_05 14:01

Welcome to the DMT trip party. Yeah, definitely. And he's giving a tour like it's like the ride at Disney World or something, and he gets like, you know, keep your arms and legs inside the tree. Do you think he's a centaur as well? Definitely.

SPEAKER_03 14:22

Sam Elliott Centaur.

SPEAKER_05 14:24

And then he guys you through, he shows you the Bronco. I'm so curious about the jester though, because I'm yet to see him. I think Is it the Balutro guy? I think it's, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

I think it's some sort of him.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it could be.

SPEAKER_04 14:39

Because it's always a gamble, you know. Um I think the Bronco is, yeah, he's like a great uh it's I mean, I I think back to the quote in the big Lebowski where he's like, Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you. And it's like sometimes you do the trip, sometimes the trip does you.

SPEAKER_05 15:02

Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I was like, I don't like giving up that level. You you give up so much control when you're on psychedelics. I love being in control all the time. I figured.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Yeah, I'm a little bit the same way.

SPEAKER_05 15:14

Good.

SPEAKER_04 15:14

Mushrooms for me, I think psychedelics, the more like long-form ones, I find that I gain like hyper focus sometimes within them. And then I like, I'm like, I'm gonna clean my entire house right now. Uh and then I and then I do that, I become very stimulated um to be productive on psychedelics.

SPEAKER_05 15:34

So you're you're you're like the amphetamines for you. It's like uh like inje uh like Hitler would have injected himself with mushrooms if he were you. Yeah. That's a scary thought. Jordan is Hitler.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

Let's let's conceptualize that for. I can imagine that.

SPEAKER_05 15:49

I know, me too. It's actually weirdly easy.

SPEAKER_04 15:51

Welcome to Squequels, a sequel and lifestyle podcast. We believe that every movie deserves a sequel. We believe the voice speaks freely, and we are blessed to hear it, and we believe that the power to gump up beyond our understood limitations exists within us all. Every week or every other week, we choose a movie, pitch three possible sequels, and the next week we perform that sequel for you, the listening audience. I'm Jordan. I'm Jude, I'm a level three gump. Yeah, you just reached that recently, right?

SPEAKER_05 16:20

Yes. Yeah, it took a lot of meetings and a lot of money. It costs like eight thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_04 16:26

Um, we are uh uh gonna make the kind of gumbo meters. We aren't sure exactly what to call them yet available. We can call them gum meters. Gump ometers. That's a great name. Yeah, through you can come in for a gump audit uh if needed. Um today with us we have a good friend, uh hometown local hero, Nas. Hey everyone. Um you might all be familiar with uh uh his album. You know Nas from Ilmatic. Yeah, Ilmatic. The first one was the only good one. Is that true? Some might say. Yeah, you're well, everybody's their own worst critic. Um Nas, uh not you know, famous in any regard in any right, sitting in our kind of producer's chair in our shrimp beef um the shrimp beef cuck chair.

SPEAKER_05 17:12

Shrimp zone? Yeah, the shrimp zone. Just put your hands on those metal bars and we can tell how many Lieutenant Dan Thetans you got in your soul.

SPEAKER_04 17:19

Um Nas uh were here in beautiful Astoria Queens. Uh you were born and raised here. Yeah, I was.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

I it's it's great.

SPEAKER_04 17:30

Did you take on the moniker Nas uh after Nas?

SPEAKER_03 17:36

No, actually, uh so my full name is Athanasios, which is kind of a mouthful, common Greek name though. Yeah. And so my family always had Nas as a nickname. Uh I didn't realize I liked it when I was younger, it's just everyone called me that. But at a certain point, like I don't get offended when people mispronounce my name, but at some point it's just like I'd rather not do the whole song and dance of like, oh uh uh. So just stuck with Nas, and it was always kind of people seem to enjoy it. And I also enjoyed it. It was a family thing, so kind of I I stuck with that for a while.

SPEAKER_05 18:11

I totally get that because like when I tell people my name is Jude, it's the same reaction every time. Yes, but they go, they go, hey Jude, ha bet you don't hear that all the time.

SPEAKER_03 18:23

Oh, like the rapper? That's I get that one a lot. But it it's a nice icebreaker I've found compared to like what uh can I call you something for short? And it's like I'd rather the Nassi.

SPEAKER_05 18:35

My response is always like, Well, there's worse Beatles songs to be named after, and I'm like, Bungalow Bill, number nine. Where were those guys? Dear Prudence.

SPEAKER_04 18:44

Dear Prudence. Um, what would another shortening for Athanasius be?

SPEAKER_03 18:50

Um just so just a little bit shorter would be Thanasi. Thanasi. But a lot of people, for some reason, believe it or not, I think that sounds like the Nazi. Yeah, she got a nice Vanazi. Nazi? Why? There's no Z in there? No. Um, but also uh a more regional nickname, this is like specifically from my dad's village in Greece, is Nacho. What? I like Greek nacho? That's a fun one. I like it. It's super mountain village nickname. Yeah, but it's fun. So my dad will often call me that.

SPEAKER_04 19:28

What's uh what are some Greek nachos? Some friggin' French fried potatoes, feta cheese on there, spread a little sakanaki.

SPEAKER_05 19:35

It's french fries with feta, yeah. Oh yeah, you're gonna make me cum. Shake that asanaki, baby. Let me just see a move. Oh my god. I saw I went I went to a Greek meeting. No, I wasn't there, but I was working, and they were having this Greek meeting. What is a Greek meeting? I don't fucking know, but I was there. But it was like a Greek parade meeting. And they had a forum. It was the forum. Yeah, yeah. It was a forum, and um this guy, John Castamedes, who is like he owns Gristetes, and he was in fucking Marty Supreme. He was like the owner of the shoe store or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

He spoke and he was like Can I say that he's a piece of shit on this show?

SPEAKER_05 20:15

Sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but he owns he also owns like media now. He owns like all like ABC uh syndicates now, apparently.

SPEAKER_03 20:24

He has like does he have a radio show?

SPEAKER_05 20:27

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

I wanna say he has a radio show that he was inviting Eric Adams on to like talk shit about. Yeah. You know, anyone trying to do anything good. Yeah, yeah. I wanna say that, but he was probably I wanna say it.

SPEAKER_05 20:41

You can say it. He does he listens to this, he's a big Yeah. He's he's really ugly. Like, and I mean that respectfully. Like, there are people that are just straight up hideous, and he is like not good looking. Like he's not easy to look at. Like a Rupert Murdoch kind of face. No, no, no, no, no, no. Dude, no, no, no. It's like he looks like Jabba the Hutt, like, but like kind of shrunk. Like he is gross looking, but like in awe of it. Like your daughter or something, like a kid would be like, you're ugly, you know? Yeah, and he'd be like, thank you. Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 21:17

Yeah. Um, so this week, um, speaking of ugly people, we're talking about kindergarten cup. Um, this was a challenge to us from uh Samurai Movie Jam, my friend Brian and Dave's podcast. Um if you haven't listened, it's great. They uh just kind of watch new movies. They've started doing mini jams where they watch uh old movies that are their favorites and they just kind of like goof on them, uh talk about them. Um they are much less pretentious than this podcast. Nas, you're probably one of my most um pretentious film friends. Hell yes.

SPEAKER_05 21:51

We need to add to the army.

SPEAKER_04 21:53

Uh just to just to get a scope of like who you are in the movie realm, what uh name Name like uh uh a couple of your favorite movies.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

Of all time. Yeah, of all time. Uh I like uh a a Twin Peaks firewalk with me. Oh that's around the I'm about to come. I'm about to come. A huge minions fan. Yeah. I've seen all of them many times. Um no, why would you say I'm pretentious? I love garbage too. This is not uh this is not a judgment call. Yeah, no, but um You just called him pretentious as judging. I actually, you know, just I hadn't seen Kindergarten Cop, but I actually had a really good time re-watching it. No, no, I in a very long time I hadn't seen it. But I I I just wanted to refresh my memory and like I kind of had a good time. So like oh I'll be honest, I like that era of like Arnold is the everyman, unbelievably so.

SPEAKER_04 22:53

Right off the bat, I just want to say about Kindergarten Cop, finally we're covering a good fucking movie on this. I agree, I agree. I I this is a movie that I love unabashedly. I watched it, it was like on a VHS that I just played on repeat when I was a kid over and over and over again, and then re-watching it uh for this pod, I was like, I fucking love this movie so much.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

I was shocked by how much I enjoyed, especially like the first hour. Yeah. Um, and I think I probably went to go see this in a movie theater with my dad at some point.

SPEAKER_04 23:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 23:30

Um, did you watch it when you were young? I didn't, to be honest. This is the first time I've watched it. And uh you know, it answered a lot of questions for me because my wife's dad uprooted their lives. Uh no, I'm not even kidding. He uprooted their lives, he moved them from Colorado back to Buffalo to be to become a kindergarten teacher.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 23:54

I'm like, he must have he fuck he fucking saw this movie and like was like you know, because like that's the only thing that would explain it.

SPEAKER_04 24:03

Um I just would you just mentioned it very quickly. Um it takes place in a storia, Oregon. How did that feel when you first heard that?

SPEAKER_05 24:12

Oh, I got excited. Yeah. Um I got excited, but then I was like, damn, like a lot of shit was being filmed in that area at that time. Like, what's going on? Like, were there tax incentives? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

I thought that was like your whole bit for inviting me to this one is that it took place in a story. No, I didn't remember that until I I actually that was when I saw when I rewatched, I was like, I completely forgot about that detail.

SPEAKER_04 24:37

Yeah. That's good. And and you're right. I think it's maybe. Do you think it's in the beginning of like, oh, they were actually shooting up in like maybe Vancouver, and so they just said, oh, we're in this like PNW area?

SPEAKER_05 24:51

I don't know what I thought. I can't be responsible for what I thought. Okay, good. No, but I was just like, oh, oh damn. Like, why? Why are we shooting so many things out here? Like, is the lighting nice? Does it look good on film? And I guess it does. It's a pretty little town. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:07

Super bip bucolic. And then they um the the house that the kid and the mom live in is just like this gorgeous house on the corner. Shut the fuck up. How are you driving something that loud that slow? That's what I um yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:23

The house is kind of spooky, I thought. I think it was like it did feel kind of Stephen King-ish.

SPEAKER_04 25:29

Yeah, it's just like mansion. Um, this was came out in 1990. That was when I came out. Smack dab in between Total Recall and Terminator 2.

SPEAKER_05 25:41

Okay, that's another thing. That's another note that I had. Like this movie, to me, you know, Arnold has the most wonderful arc from guy that can't stand kids, guys that's uncomfortable around kids, to like loving kindergarten teacher. I was like, damn, this is like this is the best emotional ride I've ever been on with Arnie.

SPEAKER_06 26:02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 26:04

I think he does it pretty decently. Like, I'm never at no point in this movie was I like, he's not capable of communicating the depth of emotion that I need here.

SPEAKER_03 26:15

I'm never convinced of him as the everyman, which is what he is in t almost every movie, but in this one, as like a semi-incapable father with an ex-wife, like it was the most believable. One of the most believable characters.

SPEAKER_05 26:31

Yeah, because like you kind of watch it and you're like, oh, this is like what Tommy Wazo was getting the accent from. You know, like you're like, oh, like this is this is bad, but like his response, he generally seemed pissed off at the kids at the beginning.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

And then by like a nightmare in the beginning.

SPEAKER_05 26:48

I know, but he he got through it, and it's like, oh damn, the kids probably sucked in real life, too. Kids fucking suck in general. So they're probably like, you know, Arnold, just do your thing.

SPEAKER_04 26:57

Well, let's just talk about the real beginning of the movie, which is such a tonal like slap in the face compared to what you expect when like you see clips from kindergarten cop like later in life, because it starts off um very smart, I thought. Yeah, and he is not an everyman, he is a badass shotgun-wielding super cop with a beard.

SPEAKER_03 27:21

Absolutely looks good with a beard. I forgot he can do that.

SPEAKER_04 27:24

He looks great with a beard, but in those close-up shops shots, you're like, that beard looks so trash. It does.

SPEAKER_05 27:30

It looks like shit. It looks like somebody just put sawdust on his face. But to your point though, he can convince people to do things at the beginning, but by force. And he's gonna learn that that's not gonna work. Oh, I'm going to be your best friend. I'm going to spend holidays, weekends, afternoons all with you. You can't do that. It doesn't work on kids.

SPEAKER_04 27:55

No. Imagine if a cop, I love the idea of the renegade cop, but like he's just trying to get a witness for this crime, and he goes in and he starts blowing people away with the shot.

SPEAKER_05 28:05

I mean, the hardware's insane. Can I can I point to something about that shotgun? It had like a laser. It had like a laser on the top. I'm like, why do you need a fucking laser shot like sight on a shotgun? Yeah. Like, are you like aiming?

SPEAKER_03 28:19

That's a good point. But you're like shooting a pot off of Terminator.

SPEAKER_05 28:25

Yeah, I was just imagining just shooting something from really far away, whatever.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

But I really but that's the thing though, as insane as that shotgun bust was, I feel like it was really good at channeling Terminator. Yeah. To then set you up for like, oh, and now the real nightmare begins, children. So I it as stupid as it was on the surface, I think very smartly done in terms of the comedic effect.

SPEAKER_05 28:50

Also, I want to make one more connection, too, that I thought of. I was like, who has ever fucking been to a bar with like a chain-length fence on it? Where you gotta talk to the guy through the chain length fence. Yeah, I've never seen that. And then I'm like thinking in my head, I'm like, actually, I have seen that. The only other place I've seen it is the fucking movie Animal House, when they're like performing and they're throwing, it's the same fucking director. Produced by Ivan Reitman, too. Yeah, so Ivan Ritman.

SPEAKER_04 29:15

Was it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:16

He must go in and be like, this bar doesn't look right, doesn't have a fucking chain like fence on it.

SPEAKER_04 29:21

I went to there was a bar in Milwaukee, oh fuck, I forget what it was called, but it was like a bar that didn't really have a sign. Um, and then the door was like had, you know, it wasn't just like a bar door, like it had a handle and you had to go in, and then it was like a metal bar, and um you had to like get through a metal like entranceway, and then the only other notable thing about it was that uh the patio was just filled with like baby doll heads that had nails driven at the mails.

SPEAKER_03 29:58

Yeah, what's weird about that? You ever been to my house? I I so I like watched all these movies when I was way too young, but I had such a an image in my head that I was like ready for adulthood. I was like, oh man, like dirtbag LA culture from movies was like, oh, this is how adults function every day. And then like real life happened.

SPEAKER_05 30:15

I was like, oh, there's no Yeah, they're not playing come out, feel the noise when you walk in everywhere. Uh and like the men all have beautiful blonde hair.

SPEAKER_04 30:26

Um the LA culture we get to see kind of in you know the beginning, because it the the opening part takes place in a like classic LA mall. Yeah, yeah. If you speak Spanish, you're a bad guy. Um, and he's like tailing the villain whose name is Colin.

SPEAKER_05 30:43

Colin or Colin Crisp. Colin Crisp. Dude, that guy looks like Magic Mike if like you inflated his head. It was great. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Oh, Shannon Tatum.

SPEAKER_03 30:52

He looked just like fucking Shannon Tatum. It was the first thing I thought to myself, and then the second thing I thought to myself, again, another classic LA dirtbag move. Low ponytail, yes, sharp shoulder blazer, complicated button down. The Vincent Vega, the Vincent Vega episode Yes.

SPEAKER_04 31:10

Um they introduced right away that uh he's got a kind of a mommy complex too, which I forgot about completely, and I think we can talk about a little bit more as as we get to the climax. And when you talked about like watching this movie and like getting into this era of movies, is one thing that really like really made me go like I fucking love this movie, is just like how everything works, but like nothing is perfect. Like so many things in this just feel like messy and they're just happening because like they happen in life, but they don't happen because a script was written so that it would slot into specific like moments, you know? Yeah, it's like oh this just happened because things are messy, and like does this make sense in the concept of like the themes of the movie? No, but it makes sense because it's in a kindergarten or whatever, and I like love that. Yeah, life is messy.

SPEAKER_05 32:09

Yeah, no, and you can't you can't force relationships, dude. Like you can't you can't just go into a group of kindergartners and say, I'm going to be with you every holiday.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

Well, you know, the his downfall really was sitting on the piano. They lost all respect for him, yeah. Yeah. Because he had the bigness. They all like looked up. Yeah, it was tenuous at best, and then he sat on the piano and then forget it. And then all of a sudden they came there.

SPEAKER_05 32:37

Boys have penis, girls have a vagina.

SPEAKER_04 32:40

Um that kid specifically is so fucking cute.

SPEAKER_03 32:45

I was considered a piece of shit, the problem child. He was the problem child. Was he? I believe he was the problem child.

SPEAKER_05 32:52

No, I think he was different. I think the the problem child had beady cute little eyes and like a bowl cut, and the problem child was like ugly as well.

SPEAKER_03 32:58

Just described that boy.

SPEAKER_05 32:59

Is it really? I don't know. I look, I was not paying attention to that kid, Nas. I wasn't looking at the kids that closely, Nas. How closely were not gonna fact check live. Who was your favorite kid, Nas?

SPEAKER_04 33:08

Yeah, who was your favorite kid?

SPEAKER_03 33:10

Oh, I can't so listen, I thought Emma was the cutest. She was the girl that was having trouble with the overalls.

SPEAKER_05 33:17

Yeah. Oh, yeah, she was cute.

SPEAKER_03 33:18

Um but the kid obsessed with death is also my favorite. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:23

See, everyone dies.

SPEAKER_04 33:25

Um, yeah, boys have penis, girls have vagina, um, gr classic kid, um, the boy who stranger dangers crisp at the end, uh, the little redhead boy. He apparently had a whole subplot that was written out where he didn't speak any words. He just said like one word, which was a nonsense word over and over and over again. And then when he points at Crisp and goes, Stranger, it's like a revelation of that's such good writing, dude.

SPEAKER_05 33:56

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 33:56

Yeah. And then the last thing he says is like, Are you gonna be okay, Mr. Kimball? Um, and he famously played Bach on Broadway. Wow. Um Dominic, the main kid, the blonde kid, he is twins. He is both Christian cousins and Joseph cousins, which is weird because they're brothers. Their last name is cousin.

SPEAKER_05 34:20

I thought that same thing in the credits. I was like, those kids are fucking related. They're not.

SPEAKER_03 34:24

Also, yeah, there were those creepy twins in the class as well. Yeah, the girls. The girls.

SPEAKER_05 34:28

My mommy's daddy's a sex machine.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

Here's the thing: they did look like ghouls. Yeah. But also, it was like coming off of the airplane where there was like three children of the corn sitting behind him, smashing the truck on his chair. Yeah. And then going to those girls. I was like, yeah, this they're really getting into they're again, they're tapping into something people probably have seen kind of recently about why kids are terrible.

SPEAKER_04 34:54

Yeah. Yeah. This is what I'm going to do to you.

SPEAKER_00 34:58

Snap.

unknown 34:59

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 35:00

Um, uh, just to go back. Oh, so um, it turns out that they cast the twins not just for like the law of like you you can only have a kid on set, you know, yeah, later on the time. But they actually use utilize them for their specific talents. So one of the cousins did the action scenes, and then one of them did the romantic scene.

SPEAKER_05 35:21

Yeah, I'm the romantic twin. I love to fuck. I'm the action twin. I love to do flips.

SPEAKER_04 35:28

Uh you made a lot of money off of that. This whole thing is set up because like they pair him up with this uh smaller woman played by Pamela Reed, who just I mean, she fucking kills it in this movie.

SPEAKER_03 35:39

Amazing Pratt fall.

SPEAKER_05 35:41

Yeah. Yeah, but like best food poisoning I think I've ever seen in the movie. It was so realistic.

SPEAKER_04 35:46

Yeah, they set it up and then they really just like abuse her and turn her into a ghoul. Uh she was like horrifying and just like they just yeah, the Pratt fall, she just like is she's he's like tossing her over his shoulder. They really they really torture this woman in the movie. Um but she's supposed to be the kindergarten teacher, and then he takes over because she's so sick from eating a sandwich from a vending machine.

SPEAKER_05 36:14

Yeah, yeah. But it couldn't have been the what did she say? She was like, it couldn't have been the clam salad or something. I don't know. I mean, she was so funny. Um what did I read about her? I read something that she was uh no, I forget. I'm not gonna go into it.

SPEAKER_04 36:30

I don't have to if I don't want to. But she's worked with some of the best. I looked her up. She was in like Cadillac Man with uh, you know, Robin Williams and Tim Robbins. Um I think she's in Twins, maybe. Probably. That was like a big Reitman verse. Yeah, she's in the Reitman verse. And then she also uh, you know, Hollywood's finest was in Bean. Bean, yeah, she was like the wife, right? She's got kind of a bean face.

SPEAKER_05 36:57

Dude, there's a bean, she does, she does have that bean that bean expression, that that like very like Saxon, I've fucked up look. The end of bean when they fuck up Whistler's mother. Oh man, that another that got me in theaters. I was crying for weeks.

SPEAKER_04 37:13

Um, I forgot that um Lieutenant Kimball or Mr. Kimball has a pet ferret. I forgot all about that.

SPEAKER_03 37:21

Yeah, they drop he first of all, he doesn't seem like a ferret guy.

SPEAKER_04 37:24

No at all.

SPEAKER_03 37:25

It definitely sticks out when you're watching the movie. I gotta say.

SPEAKER_04 37:37

Yeah. He's like the kids are going crazy, and then he just goes like, oh wait, no. It yeah, it's just as like the second act is starting, and it scares her. And he's like, This is my pet's ferret. This is the ferret.

SPEAKER_03 37:50

I don't remember the name of the ferret. Did he ever say that?

SPEAKER_04 37:53

I don't think they ever name the ferret.

SPEAKER_03 37:55

See, he's clearly not a ferret guy.

SPEAKER_04 37:57

No.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

How he can't he doesn't even name his own pet.

SPEAKER_04 38:00

This feels like kind of the dog in Marty Supreme, where like at one point they were like, We need a plot device, and it can't be another character.

SPEAKER_05 38:11

Yeah, but they're like, they took the notes and they were like, This can only be on screen for like less than a minute, and it did. The ferret did everything it had to do. I actually thought the ferret was like kind of low-key one of the best parts of the movie. Yeah, pacified the kids, yeah, and then pacified the villain at the end.

SPEAKER_03 38:26

Don't pet him all at once. So about that scene, and this is maybe a little bit of a non-sequitur, but so he was like, pet, you know, pet him one at a time, be gentle, and then like eventually there's like 30 hands on the ferret. Yeah. But the ferret seems to really be enjoying it. I was kind of recently at Magic Castle, and there was a very similar situation where we were in like the close-up magic room, and the magician eventually there's like a rabbit trick, and it's a very cute rabbit, and he does the same thing where he's like he's just sitting by the standing by the door, and as we're all like kind of filtering out the show's design, he's like, Yeah, you can pet him just one at a time, and like six drunk adults just start petting the rabbit over the eyeballs. So I was really laughing hard at that because it was reminding me of this unhinged pet behavior at the Magic Castle. Can you explain what the Magic Castle is just for people that don't know? You don't know what it is? No. Oh, it's a wonderful place. It's uh it's like a huge old house, and it's like actually a magician society, and but they have shows all the time, and like it's kind of invite only. Uh, there's a lot of ways to get the invite, other than being a member, of course. And yeah, they just have these magic shows running throughout the evening. You can have dinner there. Uh, it's kind of set up like a haunted mansion. There's like all these little gags and trapdoors and whatever, but um, it's super fun. I genuinely love it so much. I I try to go every time I go to LA.

SPEAKER_04 39:59

Yeah, there's a dress code. Um up until like I think two years ago, women were still required to wear like skirts or dresses, and now they can't be able to do it.

SPEAKER_05 40:09

They were required to wear like leotards and like giant boas and and gesture. Sequins, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:15

I actually didn't realize they had that that recently. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 40:19

Um, woman that like wants to be a magician's assistant. Like, is that like a thing? I mean, it must be, right? Oh yeah, like I get to definitely. Yeah, I want to be sodd.

SPEAKER_04 40:28

Always a magician's assistant, never a magician. Never never the girl that gets split. Um the um Oh, do you think that the moment with the ferret where he's like pit him one at a time, and then all of a sudden it's like the ferret is like actually enjoying having multiple hands on him? Do you think that was a visual metaphor for Arnold in this situation? Is he like, I had a son, I had one son, I can't see him anymore, I can't handle any more children, and then it's like all of these little hands come at him, and he's like, Maybe this is the healing I needed.

SPEAKER_05 41:08

I I think the ferret represented like his soft side, you know, he's like, I only show my ferret to people who I love. Because like when he shows his ferret the first time, like he's in the car with the assistant, or not the assistant, the the co-detective, and then he like for some reason goes, I have a son. It's like whenever anyone sees this ferret, they like immediately just open up, you know, to or he opens up because he's like they've seen it.

SPEAKER_04 41:33

It's his biggest vulnerability, they know what uh he's like there's a cutscene where all the kids are petting the ferret, and he like looks up at the ceiling and he's like, I had a boy!

SPEAKER_00 41:45

Yeah and his name was Alex, and he was beautiful.

SPEAKER_05 41:50

Yeah, or he goes, There's a scene with the therapist from The Sopranos, and she's like, Okay, okay, uh, it's time for ferret time, so take out your ferret, and we're gonna talk about what you felt today when you were with the children. I felt open with the children today. They touched my ferret one by one, but then I let them all put their hands on him. Yeah, that's uh that was very tender. Ferret, people people with ferrets, first off. You guys have ferret kids in your high school? Because I know I did.

SPEAKER_03 42:21

Only one, but I only had one, actually no, I think it was like a a college friend from an out-of-town college. Um, they had a ferret, and I was just like, where have these stinky little animals been all?

SPEAKER_04 42:36

Yeah, ferrets exist within the within like the weasel family, which are you know very musk, they're like musk rats and uh beavers and stuff, and they all have this like secretion gland that creates skunks as well, creates like horrible scent. The one I met was not stinky, they might have had it like surgically removed. They sometimes do that, especially back in the room. Oh, they destink them? They destined them.

SPEAKER_05 42:59

They run around, they're so gross. When they're like in like I had a friend, they had ferrets, they put like a fucking inflatable pool, like like for kitty, like a kitty pool in their living room, and the ferrets would just like run around in it, and it was gross. Like they looked like uh furry roaches or something like that.

SPEAKER_03 43:15

But they they're a little war dance when they're happy. It's it's cute. You don't like it?

SPEAKER_05 43:20

I didn't like it when I was a kid, I don't like it now, but I guess maybe I don't know after this movie it might have changed. Maybe I'll do it.

SPEAKER_03 43:25

Do you think it was actually his son's ferret, and because of the divorce, he just took it as like a memento? Oh, that's how yeah.

SPEAKER_04 43:32

Maybe maybe the mom was like, I don't want this in the house.

SPEAKER_03 43:35

Take this stinky piece of shit out of the house, and that's why he bot didn't even bother to name it. It's just like an object.

SPEAKER_04 43:43

Yeah. The ferret, I think, unlocks a lot of the emotional uh bits of this movie. Um it this movie also posits as soon as Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to Astoria Oregon, every woman wants to.

SPEAKER_05 44:00

Fuck him so far. But you know what? Not for one second did I find that unbelievable.

SPEAKER_03 44:05

No. No, that was very believable. And then, but weirdly, that's kind of happening at the same time as the gay panic over a male kindergarten teacher who's single. Um, so they both are not trusting him, but also still want to fuck Arnie.

SPEAKER_05 44:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love that line where the lady's like, You're you're not, you're married. You can afford to look like shit, you know?

SPEAKER_04 44:33

There's uh speaking of gay panic, one of the first suspects in in in the situation is this kind of hot mom. Oh the mafia mom? Yeah, the mafia mom. And she has a one-on-one meeting with him. And he's like, it's very much every clue is leading to like she's crisp's wife. Absolutely. And then she says, My husband ran away with another guy. Um, and it's the like they mention it again later, but at no point, like, you don't get like the Arnie reaction of like and I was like, this is very mature speaking about gay issues for kindergarten cop in the 1990.

SPEAKER_05 45:17

Yeah, he's like, I'll watch him and monitor and make sure he doesn't play with the dolls. But the reason he's playing with them is because he's very horny. So that kind of excuses it.

SPEAKER_03 45:29

Yeah, I was like, hey, he's playing with dolls. I'm afraid he might be gay and it's like, don't worry, he's only looking at the little girls' underwear with the dolls. And then everyone's like, oh thank god, what a relief.

SPEAKER_04 45:41

What a relief. He's just a classic perm.

SPEAKER_05 45:44

He's only interested in pussy. Now, where's your husband? And then the the the but um ch is that he's ran away with another man, and then she's like, Welcome to Astoria, Oregon, single mother, capital of the world. Thank you for your time. What why why did she thank him for his time?

SPEAKER_04 46:04

I love that she knows that every other woman wants to fuck him, and she's like, I'm gonna get in on a one-on-one first. Yeah, yeah. She was pushes her way to the front of the yeah.

SPEAKER_05 46:16

Yeah, she's like, Oh my god, my kid has behavioral problems. I need to talk to you. My kid's gonna bring a gun to school. I wanna fuck you.

SPEAKER_04 46:22

Um I uh just speaking of mommies right now, there's a lot of like mom stuff in this movie.

SPEAKER_05 46:30

Say it respectfully, mm-hmmies.

SPEAKER_04 46:32

When I was speaking about the messiness of this movie and like how like things don't have to m have like a logical sense to them, is I think the motivation of Crisp is like weird, and like his whole presence in the movie is like just strange and interesting, but like it doesn't have like literal sense to it.

SPEAKER_03 46:57

No, he felt he felt like a like a real degenerate fuck up dad. Yeah, like it was so believable, like, oh, he's just gonna beat up another dad for this train set or whatever whatever it was, and like he's aimless, he does not have a master plan at all. He's like he's on the edge, and honestly, like probably very close to real life for someone you know who lost their son and who is also, let's say, a criminal.

SPEAKER_05 47:25

Yeah, and they kind of like overlaid like a psycho element to it almost. I felt like the the mother obsession, and they made him like slightly effeminate in the beginning because he's like, nah, well, I'm getting a manicure with witnesses, you know what I mean? So it's like they made him like effeminate, stunted by his mother, and also violent. So they like were creating like a serial killer type character. I felt like the writers were going for.

SPEAKER_04 47:49

Yeah. I I think it was super fun to watch, and he does he does such a great job of being just like slimy, sleazy.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

It's the low ponytail. That's the heat unlocking everything.

SPEAKER_04 48:01

Dude, that man works though. I looked at his IMDB and I was like, what else has he been in? And not a lot of stuff where I'm like, oh, I recognize him from that. But his last credit is like 2025.

SPEAKER_05 48:13

Yeah, I felt like what is her name? Like Pamela Reed, too, the lady that the blonde woman that he fought, she like still does a lot of shit. Like I was shocked. She was Nancy Reagan in the weird Reagan movie you were telling me about.

SPEAKER_04 48:24

Oh, yeah, that's that's what I was gonna say. No, so um Pamela Reed, you're is the cop. You're talking about the mom. I'm sorry, I'm talking about the mom. Yeah, the mom, fuck her. She was in Reagan uh with Dennis Quaid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 48:37

Um your hero, Ronald Reagan? Yeah. Jordan loves it. When Jordan Hitler becomes Hitler, he's gonna make Ronald Reagan all the street names. It's gonna become the new MLK Boulevard of uh cities. To speak about the mom of Dominic and the TV.

SPEAKER_04 48:53

They get so horny for each other so quickly in the middle of an elementary school.

SPEAKER_05 49:00

Like Oh yeah, yeah, you can cut that tension with a knife. And they stand so close to each other all the time. The kids are just looking at them with their like mouths wide open. She's like, you know, kindergarten's like the ocean, you don't want to turn your back to it.

SPEAKER_04 49:15

Wait, I have that written down because that doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_05 49:20

Yeah, yeah. I did I did write that one down too.

SPEAKER_03 49:22

I just have you have either of you ever turned around to look explicitly at someone you like ass after you've had a conversation with it.

SPEAKER_05 49:32

I thought you were gonna say turn specifically away from the ocean when you know it's right behind you. I was like, never. No. Because everybody always says Because it's coming from one side only.

SPEAKER_04 49:43

I have never turned my back on the ocean. Um, I'm mostly probably with strangers that I've like done a double take to look at their ass.

SPEAKER_03 49:51

Yeah, but like your co your co-worker.

SPEAKER_05 49:53

No. No, usually I only work at places with people where ass is you can't look at them. You or you wouldn't want to. That's like one of my requirements when I go into jobs.

SPEAKER_03 50:04

Yeah, smart. Don't get in trouble that way.

SPEAKER_04 50:07

Yeah, exactly. I railed against this on uh the last episode, but people are always like, you couldn't make that movie anymore. You couldn't make that movie anymore. And I do think there are elements of this movie where I would say, like, you couldn't make this movie anymore. Uh, one of them being uh Linda Hunt, the principal. Oh, the oh yes, Pixar character lady. Yes, yeah, she was great. Uh she's in so many movies. She's still alive. She's yeah, she's like one of the most prolific actors of all time. She was on uh uh like Boston Legal, she always plays like a judge on like poltergeist?

SPEAKER_03 50:41

Yes, I think she was in everything.

SPEAKER_04 50:43

She's in everything, and she's a strange little woman, incredible actor. Um, and like those actors, that's what I'm saying. It's like those actors don't exist anymore.

SPEAKER_05 50:54

Yeah, I mean, I feel like because I was I was kind of thinking about her in my head too, and I was thinking about like that track. It's like the actor that's in a movie that plays a certain part.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

And character actors, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 51:04

And when I was thinking about classic characters, and I was thinking about like Walton Goggins, he was always like the racist guy, like in everything. Like you would see you would watch a movie and you'd see like the racist guy in a movie, or like the white supremacist, or well, I said white supremacist and racist. Whatever. He's like in Justified, he's in like Django One Chain, and then all of a sudden he's like a star now. It's heavy. Yeah, but it's like he just maybe they just break out or something easier because people recognize that much.

SPEAKER_03 51:31

I think everyone's just too hot all the time, and then you know, they're they had this avenue for the you know, not traditionally attractive actors to be like, hey, you're really good, but we need you as this kind of like very specific oddball-ish type. It's it's exactly that.

SPEAKER_04 51:46

It's that everybody is too hot. So if you're doing a major role, you're either in the middle of your career, uh, or you've had the established career and you're like a Paul Giamatti, or you know, you're somebody like that, or you are um uh just a hot person who is now doing every movie ever. All movies have the same like fucking 20 actors in the hall right now. Um, and then if you're filling a smaller role, like what she would do, you're probably like a Robert De Niro doing a cameo or something. Yeah, somebody literally brought Walton Goggins up to me today, and they're like, Are you how do you feel about Walton Goggins? And I don't know why, because I was thinking just yesterday, I'm so fucking sick already of seeing Walton Goggins on like Walmart commercials. Yeah, there's just too many of the Walmart commercials.

SPEAKER_03 52:33

Doritos Golden Sriracha.

SPEAKER_04 52:38

I'm fucking sick of it. I used to love seeing him pop up, and now I'm just like, I don't need this much Walton Goggins in my life.

SPEAKER_05 52:45

The most pure commercial I've ever seen, I miss it every day. I probably think about it every fucking day, is the Chantix commercial with Ray Leota, where he's like, fucking Chantix fucking ch save my life, and he's just playing with his dog, and like you can tell he means it.

SPEAKER_00 52:59

Wait, what was this?

SPEAKER_05 53:00

It was like for a chantix, it's like those like patches, they're like anti-smoking patches. It's nicotine I think it's nicotine patch or whatever. It's one of those things that makes you go crazy. But he was like, I these things fucking save my life. I guess not sleepy. It was like he died like so shortly after. I like looked it up, it was one of his last roles was this Chantix commercial, and I've just always thought like that was so such a pure beautiful performance from him.

SPEAKER_03 53:27

Was it actually the Sopranos movie? Or was it it was like kind of right around there?

SPEAKER_05 53:31

It was it was around that era, yeah. But like, man, he was like, Oh fucking love my I fucking love my dog. And I there's no way that I would be able to play with my dog right now if it wasn't for fucking chantics. This shit changed changed, it saved my fucking life.

SPEAKER_04 53:45

Um True Detective Season 3. Who are the detectives in it?

SPEAKER_03 53:52

It's Mahershaw Lee and Maherschal and uh um What's his fucking name?

SPEAKER_04 53:58

I know you and McGregor? Yeah. No, it's um He was on Gemstones to Ethan Hawk. No, he's but he's like a fucking he's just kind of like one of those white guy actors, and I bring it up because he um he did like one of the first vape commercials ever for like blue cigarettes. Let's go. And it was similar to the chantics where he's just like on a beach with his like dog and he's like, I love smoking blue. And it's like, okay, honestly, if this is an actor doing a commercial, I don't see this guy ever, and he's doing it for something he must really do. He just loves it.

SPEAKER_05 54:38

Nick a team. He's like, I fucking love doing that. I do it on airplanes, I do it inside restaurants.

SPEAKER_04 54:43

I know I shouldn't, but if there's a sign telling me not to, I'll do it even more.

SPEAKER_05 54:49

I I do it, I do it at my mom's house when she's not looking. She doesn't even notice.

SPEAKER_04 54:54

Um, quickly back to Linda Hunt. Uh, love this woman. Um, there is a point where um Arnold Schwarzenegger is about to punch the abusive father of a kid in the face, and he stops as he notices like everybody's looking at him, and he's like, I need to be a role model in this moment. And then she brings him into his office and she starts like berating him. She's like, I looked you up on every database, and you've never been a teacher in any public school before in your life. Um, and she goes through all these things that he's done that are like against the grain of a regular kindergarten teacher, and then she says the line, I have no idea what kind of police officer you are, but you are a very good teacher.

SPEAKER_05 55:40

And I fucking cried what she said. He fucking did it.

SPEAKER_03 55:46

He did it. No, it was a great it was a great reading, and then the how did it feel? Oh yeah. How did it feel how did he slap that bitch?

SPEAKER_04 55:57

And then she she like practices her punches after he leaves. Oh, it's so good. Um just to kind of wrap up on some of these things. I talked about like it's not a like it's not a script wit written within an inch of its life. It leaves room for like messiness and weirdness and goofiness. Um and uh in the motivation of the villain, it's like, oh, he just wants the son because the mother, his weird mother, like wants them to be uh a family, you know, it's like this strange like Texas Chainsaw thing. Yeah, yeah. Um, and so when that's revealed, the the mom says, the the the kid's mom, Dominic's mom says, There is no money, he just wants Dominic. And I was thinking about that in a modern movie sense. If this was a modern movie, it would be because Dominic was like filled with diamonds or something like that.

SPEAKER_05 56:47

That's what I thought too, yeah. Or it was like Golden Child or something, he was like some kind of messiah. He's got power, yeah. Well, he also does this weird kind of like um schizophrenic kid break where he's like the power lines are where they're gonna shoot the lasers at the back. And I couldn't help like in my family, we had like I hope you're taking some notes by the way, you're gonna have to deal with all of this. No, no, I know, but like but there was like a case where like someone not directly related to our family, but in our family had like a kid that was all fucked up, and he was saying shit like that. And I was like, Oh, he's actually better now. Um, but he what like when he was like a little kid, he would say shit like the schools they're electrocuting me, like in my sleep. Like they can actually like send electric. Yeah, yeah. And it turns out he was on concerta. Um so they sick him off and he's fine now. But that's what made me think of it. Um Do you have any other notes on this, Juden? I have a few notes. Um so when Arnold um just keeps yelling shut up over and over, he's like, shut up, shut up, shut up. Have you ever done that in real life? In my head for sure, but no, never. I did it last week. I did it last week. Like I I just found at the Russian tea room. I found one of my coworkers so annoying that I just kept saying shut up over, and it was like it was I wasn't yelling, but I was just like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you know. Um, but I was like, that's a very powerful thing. Um oh. Who are you, man? I'm the party poopa. Very underrated because this book is, or this book, this movie is a fucking treasure trove.

SPEAKER_04 58:29

Yeah, it's filled with the quotable lines and lines that you've like known from movies forever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 58:36

Who is your daddy and what does he do? Who is your daddy and what does he do? We're going to play a game. Well, what's funny too is I knew that line, but I didn't know the context of it, and like actually watching the movie, I was like, oh, it that's like he's just tried to get information. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:50

I'm a cop, you idiot, is from this. Um Do you have other good ones? It looks like you've notes.

SPEAKER_03 58:57

Uh I was just thinking of the the lamentations of the women, but that's that was I don't think that was kindergarten cop. Alright, so I think with that, um, you know, there's still so much. Wait, just one can I just one quick hit? One quick hit. Right at the end when uh John Kimball's recovering in the hospital. Oh yeah. His partner comes to visit him. There was a kiss on the lips. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 59:21

It was like a little bit more than just friendly. And then immediately her bumbling fucking fiance walks in.

SPEAKER_03 59:28

So what's up there?

SPEAKER_05 59:30

I think it needs to be like Arnold needs to have sexual dominance over every woman.

SPEAKER_04 59:34

There was a moment where I was like, is this like every woman just cannot help themselves? But I also thought I was like, oh, this is really like nice how tender that kiss was, because it didn't feel romantic. And she was like, I'm gonna kiss you on your lips or whatever, right before she does it. I was like, it's nice that we can see this like tender affection between two people.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:01

It kind of was sweet, but it was like a more intense than you would expect. Like maybe her fiance's into that and she's working it.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:10

But it'll he also like her fiance fucks, because we see that. You see it happening.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:15

He was eating her out, I bet. I suspect. I have that in my notes.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:20

Um alright. So, um, there's so much more to mind from this movie. Um we're just I'm just gonna mention it. There is a kindergarten cop 2 starring Dolph Lundgren and uh Bill Bellamy. Uh it's trash. I watched it many years ago.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:37

Wow, I didn't even know about that.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:38

Um, it's straight to DVD, it's almost like incomprehensible. Yeah, you could probably know if you have a PS5 version, I think you bring that shit right out of here. Um it came out in 2016. Um Kindergarten Cap came out in 1990, which was the 75th anniversary of Universal Studios. Um Kindergarten Cop 2 came out in 2016, which is the 101st anniversary of Universal Studios. Dude, that's hot. Um, so uh we're gonna enter the pitch room. This is gonna be a little different than normal uh because we just have um a kind of pitch video from Samurai Movie Jam. So let's hear what they have to say.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:19

So this is gonna be our pitch for them, and we're gonna give them four options because it's a little different. It's just an audio pitch. We're just gonna brainstorm here on the fly instead of writing it down all eloquently like they would do because they say film. So we decided the other uh episode. So if you would listen to that one, that we're gonna do kindergarten cop as well. We pitched to them. And because we had the idea that what if kindergarten cop got melded with the movie Primate? And that's what we're gonna do here is we're gonna meld four movies that we have reviewed with the movie Kindergarten Cop to create a new universe, a new sequel. Yes, so this is gonna be called Kindergarten Class Pet. Yeah, and I know it'd be easy to make the ferret weasel ferret have rabies. Right. Let's switch it and make it a monkey. Yeah. So he goes to the school to teach this class, but how does the monkey get rabies?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:09

Well, they still have the ferret. Oh, they do, yeah. But the ferret turns out to have rabies, and the monkey goes to protect John Kimball because the monkey is actually the gym teacher or whatever they want to make it. But the ferret bites the uh the monkey and gives the monkey rabies, and then the kids, there has to be a scene where John Kimball is like, okay, line up and go to gym class or whatever. Put the cookie down, and then wrong movie. Whatever. And then uh That's not from Kindergarten Comics, that's from Jingle All the Way. Oh, okay, perfect. Then don't put that you put in this one too. You just have to have that line in there somehow. You still do put the cookie down. There needs to be a scene where he walks into the classroom and at least two to three kids have been killed by this monkey.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:54

Yes, yeah, and maybe another one has rabies, just bit enough that it got rabies, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:00

Or or they're turning into rabies rage 28 days later zombie kindergartners. And I think there should be a hundred of them and a monkey, and I think it should be that Richard Kimball. Is it Richard? Absolutely, yeah. Uh Dickie Kimball. Mr. Kimball needs to fight a hundred kindergartners and see how that goes. Oh shit for an actual person. Do we even need to give other options? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:27

Well, we're going to. That's option number one. Okay. I like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:30

That's that would make a great I would see that movie. Yeah. And I think that the rage virus in 28 Days Later starts is by a monkey. Yeah?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:38

Yeah. The next option that we're given for the squeakels. Sticking with kindergarten cop, we're gonna mix it with uh K-pop demon hunters. This movie will be called K Cop Demon Hunter. Oh, I love it.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:49

Yeah, yeah, and what's that about, Dave? Well, because we're leaning more into the K-pop animated thing, I think it should be animated. And uh Mr. Kimball should be training the next group of demon hunters that are at this point kindergartners. So he's teaching them how to fight and everything. But it could be post-apocalyptic, yeah. This is how kids get trained now. This is how they get trained now.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

It's not normal school anymore.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:16

The K-pop demon hunters aren't in and of themselves able to hold back the demons anymore with their Hanmu or whatever that thing is called. Uh that big fart over the earth that holds the demons down. But so he's training the next group of them. And he's not only training them to bite and everything, but he's gotta train them to be pop stars. Yes, thank you. So he's gotta dance and gotta be golden. No, the song is called Yeah, put that cookie down.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:44

Oh, that's great. That's the name of the song they have to sing as a group. So then put that cookie down.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:56

And then the cookie monster is just like, get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:59

He's there's no cookie monster, take it out. We didn't both agree on that.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:03

Okay, all right, fine. No cookie monster. But it would be funny. So we put the cookie down, like, don't put cookie down.

unknown 1:05:09

The cookie up.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:12

Okay, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:13

I think that's good. Yeah, that's a good start. I would like it. That's a good pitch. Darn it. I don't know what I would choose out of those two. I don't know. That's tough. Okay, next one that we're gonna give. You'll be able to figure it out right away. This movie is called Kindergarten Colon, Fire Drill, and Ash. Let's get let's get rid of Kimball. Okay, let's move forward in the kindergarten cop story. Oh, all right. So let's say, what's the boy's name? I don't remember the boy's name. That says boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Oh, he's the teacher. The one that climbs the thing at the end of kindergarten cop. And then his dad comes for him at the end. Shoot! Well, though that little boy grows up. Okay. And he becomes a firefighter because he loves climbing tall things. Yeah. After that scene. Right. Kind of like.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:00

Leonardo DiCaprio and Gilbert Grape. And then there is a fire. A fire. I think it needs to be a tall bit like a towering in for inferno type thing where there's a fire coming, and this kindergarten teacher has to get all these kids out of the building, and I think that's the way you make that exciting.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:19

But he's all he's grown up, but Kimball maybe is still around. He ends up coming back halfway through.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:27

He's married to the mom still. And at the end he falls into a fire pit and just leaves. He just says one thumb up. This is mostly auto audio, so you need to say he puts up his thumb out of the fire like in Terminator 2 and sinks into the fire like in Terminator 2. Oh man.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:47

I don't know if a regular human could do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:49

Well, no, it would be faster.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:51

Oh or he would die.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:58

And then it would just fall in. It wouldn't be a slow You have to figure out how do we fit in, put down the cookie. Well, they're about to run, and the fat kid in the class is just sitting there like, hold on.

unknown 1:07:08

Put the cookie down!

SPEAKER_01 1:07:10

We gotta go.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:12

Or what if the really tall building is a bakery?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:15

Oh, and it smells so good.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:18

Yeah, either a bakery or like the corporate headquarters of toll house. Yeah. The crumble cookie testing station. Perfect. We did it. The last one that I had here, you sort of already melded it in with the first option, which is going to be 28 kindergarten classes later. Yeah. So I say we'll just kind of leave that off. We'll leave them with just three options. All right. We have pretty pretty good options there. I think those are pretty solid. I think the first two are probably the best.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:43

But well, you can work with it.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:45

Yeah. I'll clip this, I'll send it off to Jordan, and then we'll have to see if they use it for one of their episodes. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:53

Alright. So option one, we've got uh kindergarten or kindergarten class pet, um, which is there is uh the ferret gives a monkey rabies, and the monkey uh is trouble, and then also starts to infect the children in the classroom with rabies.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:12

That one spoke to me. I feel like that one sung. A lot of times, like the first idea will usually sing the most. I think it's tight, it's a tight premise.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:22

And also, I can just see familiar. It's a hard genre switch, but yeah, you kind of you kind of see what it is right up front.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:30

And you could do the opposite of kindergarten cop where it starts with the action, the hard action, and then it goes into more of your like feel-good family comedy, where in this one it starts in the kindergarten universe and then it becomes horrifically.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:47

Like the lighting changes, yeah, because I would say like in kindergarten cop it's very softly lit. The kids are never in any real danger. You never feel like they're never in any real danger. But I think for this one, we're gonna do like the lighting changes, and like they do that sinners thing where it like it does the opposite, where it's like it frames like even like more tight and like the zombies come in, and then like the kids like start vomiting, like like horrifying vomit, and because they're kids, it's like worse vomit, you know, they're like all over the place, and they like get the kids out of your dominic. Um, and like killing this monkey is gonna be like one of like the hardest things that Arnold's gonna have to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:28

Uh, why is the monkey there? Because he said, like, oh, it's like the gym teacher or something, but what what puts the monkey in the school?

SPEAKER_05 1:09:38

I gotta be honest with you, I think like school boards are the easiest thing to trick. So, like, if a charlatan came to a school and was like, We've programmed these apes using AI to teach gym class, so you can fire all your gym teachers and use monkeys, the school board would be like, Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:56

What was what was Dunstan's uh way in? Dunstan checked in. So he came along with um he filled out the form.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:06

Yeah, in the in the 70s he checked out.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:09

He came along with that very like tall, severe British man who was in all those movies, then who's like, I'm going to speak here for a little while with my monkey. Uh, and then Dungston checked out of his cage and started causing mayhem around the hotel, much to the chagrin of Jason Alexander. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:28

Okay. So what if like um, you know, to you know, as like a as like a fun school-wide activity, like they get one of those like animal handlers that you know would come on talk shows frequently, like a Steve Irwin type.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:44

Yeah, we talked about the this is also an archetype on this podcast. Animal handler? Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:51

Yeah, so like he's coming into like, oh hey, hey kids, here's what a chimpanzee is like, and you know, and calamity ensues.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:00

He's already been bitten, so like during that presentation, he's like sweaty.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:04

It's just like a shot of him just like slowly pulling up his wrist. It's like the shot in kindergarten cop where you're seeing all the bruises on the kid. Yes. You know, he's like, What is that bruise? I know someone's abusing you. And he's like, uh yeah, actually, um, my wife kicked me down the stairs. Um, but really he got bit by the rage virus.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:22

Yes, I actually I'm I'm really digging this right now. Um, does Kimball have a team up with anybody in the school? A kid or another teacher?

SPEAKER_03 1:11:35

It's the principal, and we get to see her get violent.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:39

She's kind of a little monkey lady.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:42

To kill an ape, you must give us a few. Also look like an ape.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:46

Yeah, yeah. And so she turns her back and he suspects something, but like she's like, I'm clean. She's like, I'm clean, and then she turns her back and she does one of those like scratches her armpit, kind of like that. Like, like she extends her elbow like 90 degrees and then scratches her arm bit a little bit and goes, and he's like, What was that sound?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:04

Um, just to give a quick shout-out, uh, she is the voice of Gaia in the God of War series. God, she's incredible. Wow, she's in God of War, too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's got one of the most iconic voices of all time. Um, all right, so they talked a little bit, they kind of like did a little bit of our job in in their pitches too. Um, so we'll put a pin in that kindergarten class pet. Next, they gave us um K-cop Demon Hunter. I I didn't hate this one. No. Um it sets it in the future. Um I like that we are like in a different kind of school. Um it's fun. It also like you you're putting Arnold in more of like an out of fish out of water by making him do like goofy K-pop dances and stuff.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:50

Yeah, I also like that like in K-pop Demon Hunters, they kind of have to like match the era with the music. So like I feel like if you know if it was SoundCloud rapper, like he'd have to give them face I'd have to give you a face tattoo and give you Xanax boss so you can laugh around feeling nothing.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:10

Just like really slow sludge beats and yeah. Okay, I'm into this. Um the dem the demonic threat, is it just already there and it's like a world besieged by demons, or is it is there a crack in reality and and now they are finally going to be called to action?

SPEAKER_05 1:13:30

I feel like the bad guys, if it was like the genre of the time, like the bad guys would be like whoever did the theme song for friends or something. Like the Rembrandts would be sent down from hell. No one told you life was gonna be this way, huh? Um, okay. Are you gonna put claps in there, like a clap effect? Syndrome tone. I went to the friends experience.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:56

This is a free show, by the way. He's not doing all that extra work.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:59

He'll do it. He loves the work. I went to the friends experience in New York City.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:04

The yeah, with my friend, yeah. Did you get to sit on the couch?

SPEAKER_05 1:14:07

I did, I did. My friend and I went, we d neither of us had watched Friends, so we were like kind of conf that sounds like so douchey to be like neither of us watched friends, so we didn't get the references. I got pivot, I knew what pivot was.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:19

Pivot! Pivot!

SPEAKER_05 1:14:21

And like whenever I see friends on the TV at a bar, I'm always like, Monica, you cannot do that to Joey! Um, but there was like a penguin thing, I didn't know what it was. But like everyone operating, there were like it was terrible. For don't go. Even if you love friends, it would be bad.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:36

No, I'm a big friends hater.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:38

Then you would like it. I mean, pretentious. Yeah, you're so pretentious. What do you like? Seinfeld? Yeah, I'm a Seinfeld. I'm not a Seinfeld guy. Um, yeah, I like pussy. Um, that's me, because I'm cool and I have a nasally voice. But um, every like photo station was run by like a prison guard. It felt like they're like, step up! Hands to your side, clutch the couch!

SPEAKER_03 1:15:04

I mean, can you imagine the animals in the friend pop-up friends pop-up, like just anti-social activity?

SPEAKER_05 1:15:12

I wasn't animal, but I was vaping heavily at that point, and I was vaping the whole thing. Case in point. Yeah, I was like vaping illegally. I was like, yeah, Joey. And then I went to work. Where were you working at the time? I don't want to say. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:29

Um I'm thinking about when that friend's pop-up was going on. I might, I probably know. Um most of things, for people who aren't in New York, most of those things, like the ice cream museum or like the rose experience and all this stuff, it's just it is like one or three steps above the um Willy Wonka thing that happened in Scotland or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:59

Oh, yeah, where they used AI and like the being was like the being or something like that. No, I like I like to hang out at the bathrooms with those things. You can get crazy shit happens in those.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:09

Um, but the it is just like it's m- it's all just Instagram like tablea. Nothing is truly, you know, an experience. It's all just can you take a picture in front of them?

SPEAKER_05 1:16:22

That kind of woke me up to it. It's just like, oh, it's just a very expensive, and it was so fucking expensive. I was like, Do you do you give do you give discounts for New Yorkers? And they're like, no. Like, absolutely not. I have my student ID. Can I see Ross's dick? I was I was a terror at this thing.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:46

Yeah, that's why they have those dead-eyed security guards. No vaping signs after I showed up. This guy's ripping clouds right in front of the sign.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:57

Didn't Joey tie like bologna around the end of his dick to give himself foreskin in an episode? Did he?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:04

There was a foreskin episode?

SPEAKER_04 1:17:06

Yeah, because he's like going into an audition where he's supposed to be uh uncut, and so they like they like make a little bologna.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:14

He's Italian, he should be already.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:17

Everybody in America is circumcised.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:19

Yeah, dude. If you're if he's Italian American, Italian Americans are circumcised. Dude, I'm so circumcised. Um, so that's K Cop Demon Hunters. That was good. Um respect to Samurai movie jam guys, they were really good. The last one, they missed some opportunities there. There was no one in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:37

Oh, for fire and ash.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want your Jake Sully. Yeah, the kid should have fallen off the fire thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:45

Become and then he would have to like implant his avatar self into like an Arnold Schwarzenegger body. Yeah. We found we found the DNA of the most perfect kindergarten teacher to ever exist. And he was like, that was my teacher.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:01

Yeah. Mr. Kimball, I'm you. And they're like, the only person that can operate Mr. Kimball is Dominic. He has the experience.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:09

But what if they acknowledge that he was played by twins and then it's like Pacific Rim style where they have to do pilot him?

SPEAKER_05 1:18:19

I mean, we just breathe some life into that idea, I'll tell you that much. Oh my god. What is it? Kaiju? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:27

Kaiju and the um what are the robots called? Gundam? No. I cannot remember. Oh, George Grunger called stuff jacket off.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:38

Rim Jobbers.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:39

Yeah, rim jobbers, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:41

Um so I mean it's not specifically this idea, but I was like, now that you just mentioned the whole genetic thing, I mean, I had so many pitches that I was coming up with. I know it's not necessarily the structure of this, but I was like, okay. Twins, the movie two years prior. Yeah. Genetic experiment yielded Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger's character. Yes. So I was thinking like this genetics tie is like it's it's the Reitman verse. John Kimball is, and I'm blanking on his name from Twins. Danny DeVito? It's the no, it's Arnold from Twins is Arnold from Kindergarten Cop. Oh two years later. Oh, it's in the same universe. Yeah, the Reitman verse.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:27

Oh, fuck me.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:28

So this this genetic tie that is bestowing a like a powerful link is something I really like.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:35

Yeah. I do like it. Um his name is Julius Benedict. That's amazing. And every man.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:45

Yeah, yeah. Son, what's your name? Uh uh yes, officer, uh Julius Benedict. Why could they just never call him like Peter Kinsky?

SPEAKER_03 1:19:54

Like that's like JB. Yeah, you would believe that.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:58

I love John Marshall. Because we're we're talking about, you know, it's like, oh, in all these things, it's like, oh, he's a cop of you know, this, or he does this, and it's like, well, why is this huge? And in this one, the the whole description is like, oh, what like where are you from? And he just goes like, I'm Austrian. And that's the whole description for like why he is the way that he is.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:21

I have to ask you guys a question. Do you know how Arnold does those YouTube videos where he's like in his hot tub and he's like talks a little bit? Yeah, with his donkeys. Yeah, well, he did one and he's he talked about like his dad because it was like it was the it was before the second Trump election, and he's like in the hot tub and he talks about like his dad and his brother, and he's like, they got into uh my father was a cop. His father was a cop, apparently, in Austria, and he's like he got involved with like the SA, like the Nazi Party.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:49

And like I thought his grandfather was a Nazi. That was his thing. It's his dad. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:54

Yeah, it's crazy. So he's like talks about it, and he kind of opens up a little bit. Like I've never seen him like open up other than kindergarten cop, but he like talks about like why it's bad to be a Nazi. I was like, damn, that like I've never seen Arnold be so like open and you know, like kind of vulnerable in the hot tub. Usually in the hot tub, he's he's silly. That's where guys can cut loose in the top. Yeah, they'd be like, my father made some mistakes.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:18

He he was a sad. He made some mistakes.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:22

He made a couple little mistakes.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:25

Anyone could have just taken a wrong turn there. Don't don't try and make it light of this, Jordan Hitler. I know what you're into.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:31

Alright, so um, I feel like on the third pitch, we've got a ton of room to just kind of like play around within that because that was a little less formed. Uh, I feel, you know, Jude, I'm gonna say this is like because you've been kind of carrying the lion's share of writing on the last couple episodes that's true. Yeah. Okay. Uh you gump, you know, you I I expected so much out of you on that challengers one. Um dude, he got so mad at me.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:58

He was like, do it again. He the he Jordan made me go back and write the Challenger sequel again. And I'll never get those hours back. How bad was it? I w I thought it was pretty good.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:08

It was pretty good. Um, I just have high expectations, you know? It's okay. Honestly, it's better this way. And uh so I will say you choose the pitch and you challenge me to write the pitch. Yeah. So where where is your mind at on this one?

SPEAKER_05 1:22:22

Um for some reason I it's not that I don't like the Demon Hunters one. I just feel like it's like the easiest one to just fluff off and be like, I don't give a shit. Yeah. You know? Um I think there's a lot to work with with the first and the third. Yep. Um, but I feel like the first one, if I was a studio, I would go for that one because like of the genre shift, like people would there'd be so much action, you know? And like you could bring back Arnold and all that stuff. So I'm gonna go with the first one and I'll tweak it a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:55

Yeah, well, I mean, let's uh let's play within that space right now. Okay, okay. We've already kind of done some stuff, but what are some thoughts on your tweaks here?

SPEAKER_05 1:23:05

So I like the idea of bringing this monkey in.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:11

Um, can you explain So actually I just want a quick we're talking about a chimpanzee.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:18

Chimpanzee is an ape. Chimpanzee's an ape.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:22

That's all I want to say. We should refer to it as an ape. Did I say monkey? We've all been saying monkey. We've been switching, but we should be respectful of the money.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:29

And those Philistines, the samurai movie gem, probably said monkey too, because they It's an ape.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:34

Chimpanzee's dangerous for real.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:36

It's not a great ape. A gorilla is a great ape. Yeah, I think gorilla is a great ape, and orangutan is a great ape. Orangutan.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:43

That's how you pronounce it?

SPEAKER_05 1:23:44

Urangutan. It means man of the forest.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:46

Well I think it actually does. Um well, the thing about the monkey uh sorry, the ape idea, is that it you can kind of do the thing again with Arnold where it's like, okay, now you can channel uh Arnold from Predator. And so now that that's like the same that's the same movie. Yeah. And whatever children get mutated, like however they start to behave. You know.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:19

The other thing I like about Predator too is like you don't know what the existential threat is. You know what I mean? Like, like the the characters don't know that there's like actually a fucking alien invasion. I feel like the kindergarten cop thing, we keep it so that they don't know it's an actual like rage fire situation.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:35

Yeah. I so maybe we look at this as like the swan song of a Arnold. Like, we get to see Arnold like returning to one of his like glorious franchise, and one that people like didn't take too seriously when it came out. Obviously, like huge hit um at the time, but like after um total recall, you know, people are like, This guy's doing a fucking kid comedy now, and then he immediately switched back and did Terminator 2, one of his most successful, great greatest movies of all time. Yeah. We give the like defining performance of his late career by saying, Okay, it's kindergarten cop, but it's also we're getting the whispers, we're doing the fan service of all these other movies from that time in his career that you want to see. So we get to see some of the predator DNA. And we get Danny Boyle to direct it. And we get Danny DeVito to write it from the twisted mind of it.

SPEAKER_05 1:25:35

That will be fucking. I can I use this word, can I don't use this word lightly? That'll be fucking epic.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:42

I I I I don't want to listen, I had another idea though, where I you can jack off if you want to, Nuss, that's alright.

SPEAKER_05 1:25:49

Listen, that's a safe space.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:52

Listen, but Danny DeVito has to be in this because I really wanted to rope in the whole like Twins is a sci-fi movie. Don't forget that.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:01

Yeah, I don't never.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:03

You can dovetail that into this new incarnation, sci-fi horror, whatever.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:11

Gotta bring back Danny.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:13

Yeah. I think he could get into a relationship with Linda Hunt.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:17

Oh my god, dude, the eggs they would lay.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:25

Okay. Um, I I think this is that what we're gonna go with? We're gonna go with um Rage Virus. I think, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:31

But respectfully to Samurai Movie Jam, those were some really good pitches. Thank you guys, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:35

Thank you guys so much. Um uh you gotta have Jude on. He's a nightmare to I'm awful.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:42

I'm awful. But honestly, if I kept saying about the cookie line, Jordan would be so mad at me. How can you not get mad at him?

SPEAKER_04 1:26:48

They love each other and they've known each other since they were like, you know, much younger.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:53

Yeah, Jordan would be like That's not from that movie.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:55

That's from Jungle All the Way. Um I'm Jordan. So um before we wrap everything up completely, um, I just want to enter into uh a little kind of like thought experiment with the both of you. Um this is also going to kind of bounce off and play with Samurai Movie Jam. As you kind of heard them reference, they love this hypothetical question of you versus a hundred kindergartners. Okay. So this is what I want to say to both of you, and uh, we're just gonna go uh kind of like down a rabbit hole with this in something I like to call kindergarten combat. You are in the role of Mr. Kimball, rage virus, not withstanding, like don't think it gives them any extra powers, but realistically, how many kindergartners do you think you could physically combat before you know succumbing to exhaustion or wounds or that kind of thing? Uh we'll start with you, Nas.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:59

I'm not that Strong. I feel like if twenty of them were biting me simultaneously, like they're going to hurt me, right? Like, I can't. You are no, you are, you're you're fighting the kill, they're fighting the kill.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:13

Oh, I have to kill these. I can kill these kids. You can kill you can the severely Hey, we can say for woke that you're Can I ask a question on Nas's behalf?

SPEAKER_05 1:28:24

Are they like so they don't have more energy? Like, what are you doing? They are not affected by you're not gonna get infected by rainfires.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:31

You are fighting these are human children. These are human children.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:34

What about the end of weapons when they all get like jacked up and they like tear the lady's jaw off? Can they do that? They could if those witch powers.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:41

If ten of them get their hands into your mouth and pull, I'm sure. I kind of disagree.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:46

That's the thing.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:46

I disagree. You don't know how weak they are, they're so weak. You know what I love though? You know what I love about kids? When they put their hands in your mouth? Is if you go to like a bouldering gym, you can watch a kid climb things that like you as an adult need so much more strength for because they have no body mass to them whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. So you're like, look at that kid fucking go upside down on that boulder.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:11

There are like the other thing, like you would be shocked at like how high up you can drop a baby. Like, I I wouldn't like recommend it, but like I mean, I've heard the stories on the news. They like fall off of counters and shit, and they're like, they're like fine. You don't have to tell anybody. They cry, but it's all an act.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:31

Yeah, all minds. You don't have to listen to them. Yeah. Okay, so you would say 20. I would say plausibly, yeah. I would say probably 20 if they're all biting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:41

Scratching, clawing, jumping, climbing. Do you got tools? Dude. Uh I would say you're in the kindergarten. So you uh you can use anything that might be available flagpole, ruler, pencils, pens, desk, chair.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:53

Also, by the way, this is an episode of uh what was it? Like World's Deadliest Warrior.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:59

This is exactly this is slightly inspired by um yeah, shrimps brought up on one of our last episodes, the one where animals were fighting each other. I was like I didn't see an animal.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:12

Okay, 100 is a lot. I will start by that, and I can't even really like thematically. I'm trying to picture 100 kindergartners in one zone. So my imagination is going to imagine I'm talking in a microphone to like bleachers, and it's like one of those like you know, things where you're talking to like a hundred kids. Okay. That's intimidating, right? Because like you're seeing all of them. Like it's like a forum, and like you're you're talking imagining.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:37

I'm not just a gymnasium, so it's in a situation where it's like feasible that there would be conditions.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:43

I just need to picture a hundred kids at me. Like you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:45

In a gymnasium with bleachers, and you're giving a you brought in a pet monkey. I'm doing a puppet show.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:49

Yeah, or whatever. Or a puppet show. I'm doing a fucking puppet show with my with my pants are optional. Um I'm giving a presentation to the kids. I'm talking about drugs. I'm doing dare. Okay. Yes. Daring the kids to do not doing drugs. I'm talking I'm doing truth or dare. Doing drugs and talking about the I'm playing truth or dare with a hundred kids.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:10

Okay, so whittle it down to how many you think you could take in a physical fight.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:14

A lot. I think, honestly, I am a very uh aggressive person. I I really think I would start kicking them. I think like they would be annoying. I I have to say, I went through this phase in college where like I thought that it was cool, like when I went to a house party, I noticed that like if somebody was acting up, like, well, it happened the first time, justified, right? This guy was acting like a dick. He like touched a woman inappropriately, and I punched him. Immense respect from like the whole party. He left in in fear. And how did it feel too? Oh my god. Linda How did it feel? How did it feel? Felt good. So I was like, oh, if I it was like a reward system. I was like, so if I go to a party and punch someone, I'm gonna be the most popular guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the correct way to be.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:03

This is a Florida man.

SPEAKER_05 1:32:04

I'm not like this. I'm not like this. I was also like 19, right? I'm older now. So I went to another party and this kid showed up. He was like 16, 17. And he had obviously was a native of the town, went to a college party, whatever. Shows up and he was like, Yo, you gonna kick me out? You're gonna kick me out. I'm like, Yeah, I'm gonna kick you out. I was like, if you don't leave, I'm gonna punch you. He says, You're not gonna punch me, whatever. I punch him, punch him, runs out, whatever. Where did you punch him? The face. Okay. The face. Uh he runs out. He comes back with like a pickup truck with like six 17-year-olds.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:39

This is why you don't do this.

SPEAKER_05 1:32:41

Right. They jump on me and then start punching me. It like wasn't that bad. I have to say, like, like string bean ass. They didn't have guns or anything, weapons. They were just like, I'm like just like doing like a little ham-fisted like noodle arm thing on top. I had to drink insure for like three days because I couldn't open my mouth. Like, really that much. Um, but like they they didn't feel like they were gonna kill me, you know what I mean? Yeah. So now transfer that to a kindergarten. Yeah, what's the conversion formula on the dude's seven? It was like seven.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:16

Okay. And like I held them off like pretty well because I was like, you know, was there a moment where they were all piled on top of you just wailing, and then you just went and they all flew off.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:26

Like kind of like his vape, and then he got the power of a thousand teenagers. I might be exposing my age, but vapes were not invented back then. But if I had a vape in high school, I would have been unstoppable. Mrs. Garvin wouldn't have had a fucking chance. I took a shit under a portable of Mrs. Garvin when I was a senior. And imagine if I could vape in that class. Jordan, it would have been over. I think I could take Were you going to high school in Philadelphia? No, Florida.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:56

Okay. Philly?

SPEAKER_03 1:33:59

Oh, you weren't joking about the Florida man thing. No, he's a fucking thing. That was a real vibe. Yeah. This all makes sense now.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:04

Yeah, okay. So now I'm gonna need you guys to this is your truth. This is let's let's let's do this conversion. So seven teenagers, seventeen-year-olds, how many kindergartners does that equal? Six. Probably. What? Yeah. No. I would say you're both probably sitting around like in your 20 to 30 range.

SPEAKER_05 1:34:28

But like a s a kindergartner like throws their full force at you and tries to hate you, like when your niece or something tries to beat you up and they're like actually mad, like that's the force, and it's nothing.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:39

I've thought about this with like raccoons where people are like, raccoons are actually like really vicious. I was like, if I kick a raccoon in the head once, it's over. Even a cheetah.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:47

Yeah, but the thing about a raccoon is that if they just get their thumbs into your eye sockets, like they could just sp pop them like little grapes.

SPEAKER_05 1:34:55

It's gonna have to get close to me though.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:57

Fast.

SPEAKER_05 1:34:58

Also, a kindergartner's not gonna like know how to do that instinctually.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:01

That's what I'm saying. Okay, so this is your truth. This is where you guys are locked in. We're gonna replace you right now with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You are now Arnold Schwarzenegger. How many kindergartners could Arnold Schwarzenegger take on?

SPEAKER_05 1:35:12

I don't think he would I don't think there's a limit. I think it would be thousands.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:16

He would stand there like an old tree and unfazed.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:21

Yeah. They would have to learn how to bite while they're fighting him, you know?

SPEAKER_03 1:35:29

Their teeth would break upon his body. I know.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:32

Do you think even in some sort of area like his stamina would would break down or like he would become too tired or something?

SPEAKER_05 1:35:41

I mean, he would have to. He'd have to go to sleep at a certain point.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:45

He will always be Conan the Barbarian to me, so basically he's God.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:50

Alright, so then to match this, we're gonna replace the kindergartners with wolves. Okay. How many wolves could Arnold Schwarzenegger take on? What, like the wolves from the gray? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:04

Hungry. Were those dire wolves? They were not dire yet. Yeah, but they're gonna be. They're making them.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:12

I think a bunch of wolves actually could phase him.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:16

Yeah, because if one gets in, bites the leg, he's like and then the other one gets his arm, he's like you know, and the other one could grab his penis. So how many wolves could he take on? I think seven. He's unarmed too.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:29

Yeah, he's unarmed, right? In the wolf situation.

SPEAKER_04 1:36:33

I mean, there's all the things that are in a kindergarten classroom. Oh, the wolves are in the world. Oh, they're in the kindergarten. They're not in the woods. So they're not in their turn.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:39

Oh, he has implements. Uh yeah, he could probably take quite a few. I you know, they might chip away at him for a while. Kindergarten combat guys with the 2Ks.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:49

Yes. Uh oh, he would have access to chocolate. He could like make tools.

SPEAKER_06 1:36:54

He would.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:55

He can kill them. Yeah, he could probably do like 15th of 2020. I would go to the janitor's closet and get that shit that they put on vomit, like that that powder, whatever that is. That's probably like sulfuric acid or something.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:37:06

So you say fifteenth of twenty wolves?

SPEAKER_03 1:37:08

Fifteenth of twenty wolves.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:09

Alright. You agree? You're in an agreement?

SPEAKER_05 1:37:11

Yeah, yeah, because he goes to the chemistry department and gets all the shit.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:14

Okay. We're now gonna replace Arnold Schwarzenegger with chimpanzees. How many chimpanzees would it take to take on 20 wolves? They're built for this. Oh man.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:25

Oh, a chimpanzee could just rip all their heads off. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's a very scary army.

SPEAKER_05 1:37:33

How many wolves? I'm gonna say three. Also, I don't think they're like as vulnerable to like bleeding. I bet they have like very like hard skin and tight pussies.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:43

Okay, so we're gonna say like three to five chimpanzees to take on twenty wolves. Uh we're now gonna replace the wolves with gorillas. How many gorillas would it take to take on uh three chimpanzees?

SPEAKER_05 1:37:58

Gorillas are built like a fucking tank. They're like impossible. Yeah, I think one gorilla could just like bat these. I watched the video of one taking like a like a shovel and just like turning it. Like, you know, making it like his mind? Yeah, yeah, he like held it up. One gorilla with his hands. Psychic gorillas. Now we're cooking, boys. Okay, so one gorilla versus three chimps. I think one easily.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:22

Uh now we're gonna replace the chimps with grizzly bears. So uh either we're reducing the we're we're probably gonna have to increase the amount of gorillas to find the girls. I think the gorillas beat the bears.

SPEAKER_05 1:38:33

I think the gorillas beat the bears.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:34

One on one? One on one? So it would be three gorillas versus three grizzly bears?

SPEAKER_03 1:38:38

Yes, actually, this is very interesting. How is a gorilla stronger than a bear?

SPEAKER_04 1:38:43

I think so. I think mentally they are. Well, because of psychic powers. They have psychic powers, as gorilla grad has taught us.

SPEAKER_05 1:38:54

It's not the sp shovel that bends. It is you. Yeah, that's very good.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:00

I think the bear, I think one-on-one the bear has the advantage just because it's has it's a larger body, and so I just feel like the gorilla would have a harder time ripping it apart. Yeah, and also there's mandibles.

SPEAKER_04 1:39:14

Is there anything to this Yuri gorilla?

SPEAKER_05 1:39:17

Oh, there's a lot to it. Yeah, when does this get to uh hippos?

SPEAKER_04 1:39:21

Those those uh really in the next two steps. Okay. So we don't need to go through the rest of it. But the the natural progression I had was grizzly bear to rhinoceros, uh rhinoceros to elephant, elephant to hippo, hippo to tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosaurus rex to American military tank. Oh that was kindergarten combat. That was really good. Uh and then at the end when the last T-Rex is blowed up, friggin' the tank thing opens up and it's Arnold Forcenegro. I'm not American, I'm Austrian. Um, amazing. Any final thoughts about kindergarten cop your experience today? I loved it. I love talking about it, and I love living it. Hell yes. And I would say that one of the things that's added to Jude and I's enjoyment of living and and just taking on these projects is our commitment to uh gumping. And Jude, you brought up something on the last episode we did about um our collective commitment to gumping, is that gump is not going to be one singular individual or messiah, um, but it is perhaps the gump within all of us that will, you know, ascend. And I was thinking about that quite a bit. There's a quote from uh Tik Nathan, uh who said the next Buddha will be a Sangha, which essentially means that um, you know, when we are looking for this like next stage of enlightenment or that kind of thing, um, it is not going to be a singular individual, but it is perhaps a community-driven effort. Um, and so in this kind of segment of gumping up, um, I did want to kind of talk to you, Jude, and talk to our listening audience, isn't that I do think that we've been thinking about gump all wrong in when we center it on ourselves. The goal isn't to find the gump, some singular blessed idiot savant who stumbles into greatness. The goal is collective gump. You gump a little, I gump a little, and together we approximate something unstoppable. The next gump is a community. We have to achieve collective consciousness. That was beautiful. Thank you so much. Um, with that being said, uh, if you have any thoughts about gumping, any thoughts about kindergarten cop, any ideas for future movies we take on, you can reach out to us at squeak pod on all social media at squeakpodcast at gmail.com. Um yeah, leave us a five-star review. It really helps us out. Say something nice, share us with your friends. Um, this has been Squeak Wools. I've been Jordan. Thanks so much. Bye. I've been Jude, thank you so much. Goodbye. Thank you so much, Nas, for joining us.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:29

Thank you for having me. I had so much fun, and goodbye, everyone.

SPEAKER_05 1:42:33

Go on um Spotify right now and leave a five-star review. It's a good example.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:38

I'll do it later.

SPEAKER_05 1:42:39

Yeah, good. That's what they all say.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:41

Always remember, heed the voice, gump up. Let's go.

SPEAKER_05 1:42:47

Alright, we did it. Dude, I thought that the last episode with Ana was the best episode. Guess it was.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:53

Hey, you're a great guest.